A Time to Weep

By Hope

This is a sequel to Demons of the Past and A Hero's Burden. I referred to an incident from The Ponderosa episode The Promise in this story. I'd like to thank the writer of that episode and I hope he doesn't mind me borrowing on his theme.

I'd like to thank Becky and Nancy who really went out of their way to help me with this story. (And Kierin for posting it on the Tales of the Ponderosa site.) A thank you also goes out to David Dortort for creating those wonderful Cartwrights and letting me borrow them. As always thanks to Matt, Danny, Drew and Jared for their terrific portrayals of the Cartwrights which I try to capture in my tales. The usual disclaimers apply.

PLEASE BE ADVISED THIS STORY IS RATED PG-17 FOR VIOLENT CONTENT AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE WITH WEAK STOMACHS. (OK, I WARNED YA.) Hope

Adam’s journal:

Dec. 2^nd

I took a life last night. It was self-defense but a man is dead whatever the reason. I found out Jack Wolf had been the one threatening our family and, when I called him on it, he drew his gun fully intending to kill me. So I shot him. I meant to take him to face justice but he forced my hand. Thus another grave to dig; another face to remember. Mr. Covington was the first last year, killed by my hand with a bullet from my rifle when he was robbing and threatening some men including Pa. Now I’ve killed Jack. Pa said I had no choice but that doesn’t seem to ease the pain I feel or lessen the guilt that haunts me.

The reader turned the page, then another. He skimmed through many other pages and finally settled on yesterday's entry:

May 5th

I've thought about …

"Joe!"

Little Joe instantly dropped the journal and jumped up from Adam's bunk bed. "Uh, Adam - uh, I was jus'..."

Adam marched over, snatched the journal off the floor, and glared at his youngest brother. "Just what?"

"Uh, ..."

"You were told never to touch my things!"

"I know - I'm sorry - I didn't mean ..."

"You didn't mean to read my journal?" Adam countered angrily.

"Yes! I mean, no - I mean ..."

"But you did, didn't you!"

Little Joe hung his head.

"Get outta here! And don't ever touch my stuff again!"

Joe was hurt. He knew he'd done wrong but Adam had never raged at him like this before. He walked to the door while muttering, "I'm goin'."

Adam watched him go, anger marring his face. He looked at the journal in his hand and, disgusted, threw it hard against the far wall. He hadn't noticed his father standing in the doorway and only now realized he had company.

"Adam ..."

Adam turned away from him. "I don't want to hear it, Pa."

Ben came into the room and stood in front of him. "Don't use that tone with me, Son."

Adam looked away but remained in that spot.

"Tell me what happened."

Adam was still seething and it took a few moments before he answered. "Joe was into my things again! He read my journal!"

"I'm sorry. I'll have a talk with him."

"Lotta good that does!"

"Adam," Ben again warned.

"I don't have any privacy around here!"

His father eyed him sternly. "I don't know what's gotten into you, but this attitude of yours had better change."

Adam just glared at him.

"You're not too old for a talk in the barn, Son."

"I'm too old for a lot of things, but you won't see that."

"Adam, for months now you've been snapping at your brothers and at me and Hop Sing. I won't tolerate it any longer."

Adam faced him down. "You won't?"

"No, I won't."

"Fine!" Adam moved around him and retrieved the journal. He glanced over his shoulder and announced, "I'm leaving!"

Ben reached the door before Adam could get there and pushed it closed, leaving his palm against it. "You've tried that before. Remember?"

Adam couldn't believe his father would throw that in his face. The hurt was evident in his eyes.

Ben at once felt guilty but was resolute to get through to his son. "Running away doesn't solve anything, Adam. You know that."

Adam turned away.

Ben shook his head then laid a hand on Adam's shoulder. "Adam, I know you're upset about the journal, but there's more to it, isn't there?"

His son didn't respond.

"Why are you so unhappy?"

Adam turned around to challenge that statement. He found that the sternness which had been in his father's eyes a moment earlier had been replaced by a look of concern. But Adam didn't want to, or for that matter couldn't, answer the question.

Ben waited for a response but when he realized none was forthcoming stated simply, "Finish your chores," and left the room.

Adam watched him go then glanced down at the book in his hand. He stood there considering whether or not to burn it. The choice finally made, he left to go find a match.

************

"Has Adam cooled down yet?" Hoss had ridden up to the corral where his father was working.

Ben nodded his head and glanced around behind Hoss. "Where's Little Joe?"

"He's comin'. He's over there," Hoss indicated the pasture with his head, "waitin' for me to give him a sign."

Ben snorted slightly, "A sign?"

"Yeah, that Adam's not gonna kill him."

Ben chuckled. "He's safe for now. Get him over here."

Hoss grinned and waved his arm up and down. After a moment, Hoss and his father saw Little Joe galloping across the pasture toward them.

Hoss looked around. "Where's Adam?"

"He went to town to pick up his newspaper."

Hoss dismounted. He stood there considering whether or not he should bring something up. The decision finally reached, he ventured, "Pa, why is he always so mad at us?"

Ben took off his hat and swiped at his sweaty brow with his shirtsleeve, considering his answer. "I don't know, Hoss."

"He's always jumping down my throat or yellin' at Little Joe."

Joe rode up as the words had gotten out of Hoss's mouth. "Yeah. He's always yellin' at me, Pa!"

"Well, Little Joe, he had good reason to today, didn't he?"

Joe slid out of the saddle. "Aw, I was jus' lookin' at his stupid journal."

"Did you ask him first?"

"'Course not. He never would'a let me."

"Then why did you do it, Son?"

Little Joe kicked at some dirt. "Aw, I don't know. Jus' wanted to see what he's always writin' in there."

"You shouldn't have touched it. You know you weren't supposed to."

Little Joe mumbled, "Yeah."

"You owe him an apology."

"He owes me one for yellin' at me!"

Hoss cringed at Little Joe's sass.

"Joseph, you're to apologize to your brother when he gets home."

"Aw, Pa, he'll jus' yell at me again."

"I'll make sure he doesn't. But you're to apologize and promise not to ever do it again, understand?"

Little Joe kicked at some more dirt.

"I asked you a question, Son. Do you understand?"

Little Joe looked hesitantly at his father. He mumbled, "Yeah."

"Good. Now you boys get your horses put up. Then tend to the barn."

"Sure, Pa." Hoss led his horse into the barn while a morose Little Joe followed.

Ben's gaze followed them till they were out of sight then he returned to his work.

************

Adam rode down the trail leading well out of town. He had picked up the newest edition of the Alta California and had also found a little extra spending money to get some candy for his brothers.

As he rode along, he thought back to his confrontation with Pa. He realized he had been taking things out on his family even though they weren't the source of his discontent. He didn't know what was bothering him; he only knew he had been moody and a bit hateful lately. Maybe he just was restless. Perhaps in a few months he could begin searching for a way to go back East to college. It was time he started planning for his future. Perhaps if he started focusing on that and not dwelling on the past he could be at peace and also be more tolerant of his family, especially his brothers. Heaven knew the family had tolerated him these last several months. He chuckled to himself marveling that he hadn't been on the receiving end of one of Pa's barn discussions after some of his behavior. Of course Adam was too old for a whipping or any such thing but Pa's yelling alone could bring the whole place down around Adam's ears if Pa set his mind to it. And Adam was also amazed that Hoss hadn't tried to clobber him after some of their confrontations, which if Adam was completely honest with himself he had to admit were mostly his fault.

Little Joe was another matter entirely - always into Adam's things, always rubbing Adam the wrong way, always being the pest that little brothers are supposed to be, but even more so. Unfortunately for Joe, Adam's patience level was practically nil these days so tolerance wasn't something Little Joe would be getting anytime soon. Adam resolved to try and restrain himself and laughed aloud thinking maybe that way Joe might live a little longer.

Adam patted Beauty's neck absently as she kept up a steady walk down the road.

A mile or so farther on, Adam spotted a carriage stopped and leaning on an angle. An older gentleman was struggling with a wheel that had come off. Adam slapped the reins and Beauty began to gallop.

Adam reined in as he got near the carriage. "Whoa."

The older man was breathing heavily and leaned the wheel against the carriage as he realized he had company.

Adam dismounted, saying, "Need some help?"

The man straightened up and pulled a handkerchief out to wipe his brow. "I sure could, Young Man."

Adam had never seen the man before. The man was dressed in decent city clothes and his face was clean-shaven. Adam walked over to help lift the carriage. "Get ready to shove the wheel in place."

The man nodded, then leaned the wheel into an upright position and rolled it into line with the carriage. Adam strained and clenched his face as he hefted the side of the heavy carriage just enough. "Hurry!"

The man pushed the wheel into place. Adam set the carriage down and took a moment to recover before going over to put the pins in place. He muttered, "Where's Hoss when I need him?"

The man looked at him curiously.

Adam tightened the pins then checked to make sure the wheel was secure. "There."

The man extended his hand. "Thank you, Son."

Adam returned the handshake. "Sure."

Adam started over toward Beauty but the man halted him saying, "Wait. My employer would like to thank you, too," and indicated the carriage.

Adam looked at him, unaware there was anyone else around. That's why the carriage had been so heavy, he thought. The man directed Adam toward the front. Adam easily complied and came around to see who the man was referring to.

Just as Adam was in a position to see who was inside the carriage, he heard a gun being cocked and felt his heart freeze as he suddenly found himself face to face with David Mandible.

************

Ben closed the front door of the house and glanced over toward the dinner table. Hoss, Little Joe and Hop Sing looked at him expectantly. Ben shook his head and wandered over toward them.

"Wonder where he could be, Pa?" That Hoss wasn't already scooping big portions of food onto his plate clearly indicated his concern.

"I don't know. Maybe Beauty threw a shoe." Ben took his place at the head of the table.

Little Joe held a bowl out toward him but Ben was oblivious, lost in thought.

Joe finally prodded, "Pa?"

"Oh." Ben took the bowl and was about to take hold of the spoon when they all heard a horse whinny.

Ben and the others sprang up and headed for the door.

It was dark outside and Hop Sing had the foresight to grab a lantern. Ben was the first one out the door, followed quickly by Little Joe, Hoss, and with Hop Sing bringing up the rear. They hurried off the porch and, when they heard the horse whinny again, headed over in that direction by the corral.

"Adam?" Ben called out.

There was no answer.

The family reached the horse and the lantern light revealed Beauty but no sign of her master.

"Pa?" Little Joe's eyes reflected his concern.

Ben and Hoss examined Beauty as best they could as Hop Sing held the lantern closer. With one hand on the left side of Beauty's neck and one hand up around the saddle horn, Hoss felt something sticky in Beauty's mane. Looking closer, his heart felt like it had dropped. "Pa. Blood."

Ben quickly came around to that side and saw the darkened stain on Beauty's mane, running down her shoulder, and on a part of the saddle. He felt sick inside. As the other three watched in silence, Ben examined Beauty's entire neck and mane, after which he announced what they all had already somehow known. "It's not hers."

So many thoughts raced through Ben's mind at once - where was Adam? What happened to him? Was it an accident or was someone responsible? How fast could Ben get to him? Could he find him at night? And the one nagging fear he couldn't shut out - was Adam dead?

He felt three pairs of eyes on him. Ben cleared his throat as he took a moment to push panic aside and took control of the situation.

"Hoss, get my horse saddled. And yours."

"Right, Pa." Hoss hurried off into the barn.

Little Joe put in anxiously, "Mine too, Pa?"

"No, Joseph. You're to stay here."

"But ..."

"You can help us look in the morning. Hoss and I need to ride out in the dark and I don't want to take a chance of getting separated from you."

"Aw, Pa. I'll be careful."

"Little Joe, we don’t have time for this. Please do as I say so we can find your brother."

Ben turned to Hop Sing. "Look after him."

Hop Sing nodded.

Ben was obviously distracted but he couldn't help taking notice of Little Joe's disappointment and concern. He thought quickly. "Joe, it would be a big help if you can get some torches ready for us."

Joe nodded half-heartedly and went over to get some wood.

Ben took Hop Sing aside and said in a low voice, "Please do something about the blood."

"Yes. Of course." Hop Sing took Beauty's reins and led her into the barn.

Ben thought to himself, 'My son's blood.' He ran to help Hoss saddle the horses.

************

Ben and Hoss took Adam's usual route toward town. They each held a torch aloft and checked their side of the road carefully as they guided their horses toward Eagle Station. There was no moon out so the use of the torches was the only way to slice a path through the darkness.

Each man searched desperately while keeping their thoughts to themselves. It was as if neither Ben nor his middle son were anxious to voice their innermost fear of what they thought they'd probably find.

At last they reached town, no closer to finding Adam then when Beauty had first shown up. As they galloped down the lantern-lit main street of town, Hoss looked over at his father and asked, "What should we do?"

Ben's face already bore the years of heartache and struggle he had faced, but a few more creases had been added to his brow this night. "Let's go to Eli's."

Hoss nodded and the two directed their horses over in front of Eli and Ruth Orowitz's place. Dismounting, they hurried to the door and knocked. It was dark inside and it took several moments until the Cartwrights could see the flicker of a lantern moving toward them. Eli Orowitz appeared looking out through the window and, upon recognizing the callers, immediately went to open the door.

Eli noted the stricken looks on their faces. "Ben. Hoss. What is it?"

"Adam's missing, Eli," Ben informed him.

"No."

"Mr. Orowitz, did he come to your store today for his newspaper?"

Eli thought for a moment, still groggy from having been awakened from a sound sleep. "Why yes, Hoss. I gave it to him. He also purchased some candy for you and Little Joe."

This surprised both Hoss and Ben and made them each feel a little worse, realizing Adam must've bought the candy to surprise his brothers.

Ben took a hesitant breath then told his friend, "Adam's horse came back without him tonight. There was blood on it, Eli."

"Oh no. The horse - it was bleeding?" he asked hoping it wasn't the other way.

Hoss shook his head sadly. "No. We think it was Adam's blood."

There was silence. Eli finally answered, "I'll get dressed and help you look."

Ben put a hand on Eli's arm for a moment. "Thank you, Eli. We'll meet you over at Shelby's."

"I'll see you there." Eli went back inside and closed the door as Ben and Hoss re-mounted and galloped to the saloon.

There were still a number of patrons at Shelby's, and Ben and Hoss looked around until they spotted the saloon's owner.

Hoss jerked his head toward the far wall. "There she is, Pa."

They hurried over as Shelby was pouring whiskey into two glasses at a table where a couple of drifters were sitting. She glanced up, and her face registered surprise at seeing the two Cartwrights. "Ben? What are you and Hoss doin' here this time of night?"

"Shelby, I need to talk to you." Ben moved away from the table with Hoss alongside him.

Curious, Shelby followed. It was then she noticed the looks on their faces. "Somethin' wrong, Ben?"

"Have you seen Adam, Shelby?"

"Don't tell me ya lost one of yer boys, Ben?" she joked. Ben and Hoss tensed and Shelby realized this wasn't a laughing matter. "What happened?"

Ben relayed to her what was going on. Instantly, Shelby took control of the situation. She announced to everyone, "Bar's closed!"

"Hey! I ain't through yet!" grumbled one glassy-eyed cowboy.

Several others also chorused their disapproval, and the men deeply involved in a card game glared Shelby's way.

But she wasn't one to be ignored. "Adam Cartwright's missin' and maybe hurt!" She yanked the cowboy's chair out, tossing him on the floor as she hollered, "Y'all can jus' get yer behinds up and go help us look or go cry in yer drinks somewheres else 'cause I'm closin' up till we find him! Now git out!" She stomped over toward some others with fire in her eyes but before she could get there, they saw her coming and bolted toward the door.

The drunken cowboy made several attempts to rise, falling back each time. Hoss yanked him up then gave him a hard push toward the exit. The man caught hold of a table to steady himself as he fumbled his way outside.

Eli came to the door with Big Dan just as the other people were leaving hurriedly.

Big Dan went up to Ben and Hoss as he watched some of the stragglers stumbling their way out. "Eli caught me as I was comin' back to the saloon. I'll help ya find Adam."

Both Cartwrights nodded their gratitude.

Shelby finished pushing the last customer out then turned to Ben, Hoss, Eli and Big Dan. "Well, what are we waitin' fer?"

They went out and joined several of the saloon's still sober customers who were helping with the search. Many were already mounting up and getting torches lit. Hoss and Ben felt immense gratitude for their help.

Shelby said, "I'll git mah horse and catch up. Y'all git started."

Ben nodded as she left and he called out to everyone, "We think Adam's missing between here and the Ponderosa. His horse came home with blood on it."

There were some murmurs and talking at that news.

Ben continued. "Hoss and I checked the road coming into town and didn't see him, but if he's hurt, he could be lying somewhere close by." Ben purposely didn't mention the other possibility.

Big Dan spoke up. "Search in groups of three. If ya find somethin' fire two shots in the air."

The members of the group concurred with that.

Daniel added, "We'll meet back up at the Ponderosa in five hours. Let's git goin'!"

Hoss and Ben mounted up, with torches in hand, and rode out with the rest of the party. As much as Ben was desperate to find Adam, a part of him dreaded the outcome.

************

They found no sign of Adam that night.

The search party regrouped at the Ponderosa the next morning. Horses and riders were exhausted. Hop Sing hastily prepared breakfast for all of the searchers, and Little Joe, Hoss and Ben took care of the stock. After an hour's rest, the search resumed. This time Little Joe wouldn't be held back. Ben insisted he ride with Hoss at all times and Little Joe agreed; anything to be included.

Daniel had been able to backtrack Beauty's trail but the tracks had ended at the river. The search party combed both sides of the riverbank for miles but without any sign of Adam. Finally, Ben had to suspend the search for the day. He thanked everyone and they went their separate ways, exhausted, hungry and discouraged.

************

That evening, after the family had picked at their dinner and he had sent his two sons to bed, Ben stood on the porch looking out over the darkened meadow. He was unaware that Hop Sing had joined him until he heard a board on the porch creak lightly. He didn't turn around as he said despairingly, "He's out there somewhere, Hop Sing."

Hop Sing followed his gaze and answered softly, "Yes."

"I've got to find him. Maybe there's a chance he's still alive."

Hop Sing didn't know how to respond.

Ben turned toward him. "You think he's gone?"

"I do not know."

Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Some of the others do. I could see it in their faces."

"It matters only what you believe. I will help with search tomorrow."

Ben took another breath and let his gaze wander back out over the meadow. "I've got to find him. No matter what's happened."

Hop Sing nodded slowly in response.

************

At dusk the next day, Ben stood by the riverbank with the remaining members of the search party. Many of the original group had given up the previous day or that morning so that now only Ben, Hoss, Little Joe, Hop Sing, Big Dan, Shelby and Eli remained. Ben studied the black hat in his hand, caressing it as the only remaining link to his oldest son. Big Dan had found it several miles downriver floating near the bank. Little Joe and Hoss looked on, silently; Hoss with his arm around Little Joe's shoulders. The others didn't know what to say. At last, Eli spoke up. "Ben, you're exhausted. Why don't you take the boys home?"

Shelby echoed that as she gently advised, "Eli's right, Ben. Nothing you can do tonight. Go on home."

Big Dan agreed.

Ben found he no longer had the strength to make a decision. Exhausted and on the verge of collapse, he remained upright only by a desperate and now seemingly futile determination to find his boy.

Little Joe looked up at him. "Pa?"

Ben didn't hear him, so lost in his thoughts he was.

Hoss realized someone had to intervene and the responsibility for the family now seemed to fall on his shoulders. He said hesitantly, "Pa, we need to git home."

Hop Sing stood off to the side, not wanting to interfere. Shelby, Eli and Big Dan also were reluctant to intrude.

Hoss tried again, gently grasping his father's arm. "Come on, Pa. We're goin' home."

Ben felt as if he were in a fog, yet somehow Hoss's words eventually got through to him. Clutching Adam's hat tightly in his hand, and with his words barely audible, he responded, "All right."

With one hand on Pa's arm and an arm around Little Joe's shoulder, Hoss led his family to their horses as their friends sadly followed.

************

Ben sat at the table well after midnight staring absently at the articles in front of him. He was alone.

The flames in the fireplace had long ago flickered out so that only the single lantern placed nearby on the table cast any light on the face of the grieving father.

In front of Ben was the last edition of the Alta California his eldest son might ever buy. Next to that were the pieces of candy Adam had wanted to surprise his brothers with. And next to those were the saddlebags Ben had given to Adam on his twenty-first birthday. Ben reached out to pull the saddlebags closer. He thought back to that birthday and remembered the disappointment that had shadowed Adam's eyes upon opening the gift. Adam had wanted and had hoped for a pistol, but Ben wouldn't hear of it and had given him the saddlebags instead. Adam's last birthday? Ben held the saddlebags against his face and wept.

************

During the next week, Ben and Daniel searched for miles along the riverbank. Ben had left Hoss and Little Joe to tend to the ranch with Hop Sing and urged Shelby and Eli to return to their businesses. Ben was determined to give his eldest son a decent burial and wouldn't give up the search but he couldn't impose on his friends any longer. Daniel volunteered to help continue the search and Ben was deeply grateful.

Hoss and Little Joe went about their days more numb than anything. They didn't mention Adam's name for fear of breaking down and grew more concerned about their father's health as he steadfastly refused to abandon the search and wore himself out looking each day.

Hop Sing worried for the entire family. He kept quietly nearby, ready to offer support and comfort whenever it was needed.

Friends of the family stopped by at different times with baked goods, a friendly word, an offer of help with chores, etc. They meant well but their efforts to ease the family's grief were to no avail.

************

Ten days after Adam's disappearance, Ben and Daniel stopped to rest their horses and dismounted. Daniel passed the canteen over to Ben, and, as he held it, Ben looked to his friend and said, "He's gone, isn't he?"

Daniel took a long breath and blew it out slowly. He nodded once. "Probably so."

Ben thought for a moment then capped the canteen and passed it back without taking a drink. "Yes."

Daniel eyed his friend. "Ya know, I was thinkin' and wonderin' if ya got any money, Ben?"

The question was puzzling but after being taken aback Ben responded, "A little. Why?"

Big Dan drew his brows together as he suggested, "Ya jus' might consider postin' a reward fer any information about Adam. Maybe somebody knows what happened to him. Leastways you'll rest easier knowin'."

Rest easier. Ben knew that would never happen, but he did see Daniel's point. "Maybe you're right. And if I find whoever is responsible ..."

"I know. I'll join ya. I thought a lot of yer boy, too."

Ben half-smiled at Daniel's words. He put his foot in the stirrup and got ready to mount. "I'm goin' home." He swung his other leg over the saddle then reached out his hand toward Big Dan. "Thanks for everything, Daniel."

Big Dan had mounted also and he returned the handshake. "Sher thing, Ben. Ya let me know if ya hear anything."

Ben nodded then turned his horse toward the Ponderosa.

************

That night Ben gathered his family in front of the fireplace. Hop Sing was included of course. They all suspected what Ben was about to say.

Ben looked to his sons as he talked. "I think Adam's gone."

"No!" It was Little Joe who spoke up immediately. "He's comin' back!"

"Joe ..." Ben tried to pull him into his arms but Little Joe pulled away.

"No! Yer givin' up but I ain't!"

Hop Sing watched with sadness.

"Son, I'm not giving up. But there's just no sign of him."

"I'll find him! I ain't givin' up!" Little Joe ran to his room and slammed the door. That kind of behavior was not tolerated in Ben Cartwright's home but these were extreme circumstances. He let it go.

Ben put his hand on Hoss's shoulder. "Hoss?"

Hoss looked down and echoed Joe's thoughts. "I ain't givin' up neither, Pa."

Hop Sing could feel Ben's pain. He so wished he could help his friend reach his sons.

Ben said firmly yet gently, "Hoss, we have to face facts."

"No, Pa."

"Your brother's been missing for almost two weeks. You saw the blood. We found his hat in the river. And there was no sign of him. We have to be realistic."

"No."

"Hoss, I need your help with Little Joe."

"No, Pa. I'm with Joe. We're not givin' up!" Hoss moved out of Ben's reach and walked to the door. "I'm sorry, Pa. I cain't help ya." He went outside.

Ben stared at the closed door then looked to Hop Sing.

"Boys will understand. Give them time," Hop Sing counseled.

Ben sank to the settee. "How can they understand what their own father doesn't understand?"

Hop Sing's brow furrowed as he considered the question. With no comforting words to offer, he left Ben to his thoughts.

************

Ben was not a wealthy man by any means, but somehow he was able to scrape up $200. A number of his friends kicked in another $300. A reward was then offered around the territory in the amount of $500 for information about the disappearance of Adam Cartwright.

The offer found its way to David Mandible, and he chuckled to himself, "Five hundred dollars is all your son's life was worth to you, Cartwright? A pity." He laughed aloud.

************

Little Joe took to sleeping in Adam's bed, and he and Hoss would ride off together daily to look for their brother. Ben tried to discourage them, not wanting them to keep their hopes up, but eventually he gave up and let them continue their searches. He was at a loss to help them realize their brother was probably gone and at a loss to face the reality of the situation himself.

Whenever he would see a rider approaching in the distance, Ben anxiously awaited their arrival thinking that possibly the reward had brought some results. Each time though he faced disappointment as no word came.

Ben attended the first Town Council Meeting held since Adam disappeared though his heart wasn't in it. The discussions ranged from filling Jack's Council seat, to talk of a future schoolteacher, to talk about the condition of some of the buildings in town, and topics for the next meeting's agenda. The other members realized Ben's thought were distracted and the meeting finally adjourned.

Ben left for home shortly thereafter as Shelby and Eli stood on the porch of the Town Hall. Shelby drew out a stogie and struck a match as she watched Ben ride off. "This thing's eatin' him up," she remarked.

"Yes." Eli too watched Ben as he headed out of town.

"Cain't figger how Adam could jus' disappear like that."

"I know. We should have found some trace."

"Yeah," Shelby said as she took one long drag. "Well, best be gittin' back to work. See ya 'round, Eli."

"Goodbye, Shelby."

Shelby walked off down the road. Eli's attention remained focused on Ben as he was nearly out of sight. Eli shook his head and walked over to his store.

************

Ben reread the letter from Middle Gate:

Regret news of your son's disappearance. Have contacted authorities in Boston and they confirm Mandible is currently in Boston. Let me know if I can be of further service. Regards. Marshal Peters.

Ben crumpled the letter and tossed it aside. Of course Mandible was the first person Ben had suspected. The man had threatened Adam's life and Ben's the previous year, having harbored a grudge for twenty years against Ben for Mandible's father's death - a death that, in actuality, Ben Cartwright had had no part of. Mandible had almost succeeded last year in carrying out his plan for vengeance. Fortunately his efforts had been thwarted at the last minute. However, instead of the prison sentence the man had so richly deserved, the judge in Middle Gate had released Mandible on a technicality but with the stipulation that he stay out of the territory and immediately return to Boston. Ben knew a judge's order would never stop a determined man like Mandible. But with this letter it seemed that Adam's disappearance couldn't be tied to him.

So what could've happened to his son?

************

Hoss brushed Beauty down while Little Joe gave her fresh hay. Since Adam had disappeared, they had devoted extra time each day to caring for his horse and today was no different. They went quietly about the work, each intent on thoughts of their older brother.

Ben rode up to the barn, dismounted, and led his horse inside. His sons weren't aware of his presence as they were so lost in their own thoughts. Ben halted just inside the barn door and watched his two sons. The strain of the past four weeks was evident on their faces. Setting his jaw, Ben led his horse further inside. "Hello, boys."

The two looked up from their work solemnly. Hoss continued brushing Beauty. "Hi, Pa."

Little Joe walked out of the stall with the pitchfork, leaned it against a wall, and responded sullenly, "Hi, Pa."

After leading his horse into a stall, Ben began stripping the saddle off. "Hop Sing's got a pie baking. I smelled it as I rode up," he mentioned.

Hoss merely shrugged.

Little Joe mumbled, "Uh huh."

"Your favorite, Hoss - apple pie."

Hoss laid the brush aside and pulled a carrot from his pocket to offer Beauty. She bit a piece off as Hoss held it out and the horse crunched on it noisily. Hoss muttered, "I ain't hungry, Pa."

Ben pulled the saddle off and laid it on the stall railing. He removed the bridle and as he walked out of the stall, closing the gate behind him, he called his sons over.

They were both hesitant but joined their father as he was hanging the bridle on a peg.

Little Joe shoved his hands in his pockets. "What do ya want, Pa?"

Ben put a hand on each son's shoulder. "Boys, Adam wouldn't want you to be so unhappy."

They frowned, anticipating a lecture.

Their father continued. "You're not helping Adam or anyone if you make yourselves sick over this."

Little Joe started to say, "But ..."

His father cut him off. "Adam wouldn't want that, Little Joe. You know he wouldn't."

Hoss looked down at his feet. "Pa, we ain't jus' gonna ferget him."

"I wouldn't expect you to, Hoss. Nobody's forgetting him. We all love Adam. But there's nothing we can do."

Little Joe's eyes grew moist. "We can find him."

Ben squeezed Joe's shoulder. "We've tried, Son. We have to face the fact that we may never find him."

A tear ran down Little Joe's face as he struggled to keep up a brave front.

Hoss set his jaw as he faced his father. "I don't wanna give up on him."

How to break through to them, Ben asked himself. "Hoss, neither do I. But we can't stop living."

Joe looked into his father's eyes and said through his tears, "You don't love him, Pa."

A knife through the heart would've hurt less. Ben shook his head, turned away, and broke down. Little Joe's mouth dropped open. Hoss reeled at the sight of his father weeping. The boys wrapped their arms around their father and the three clung to each other fiercely as dusk settled over the land.

************

Three days later, Ben, Hoss, Little Joe and Hop Sing gathered with friends on a small hillside overlooking Lake Tahoe. Carved in wood on a marker set firmly in the ground was Adam's name. Ben decided to leave the dates off. He knew Adam's date of birth of course but the date of his death was still in question. So Ben decided his son's name was all that would be written, along with the simple words - Beloved Son and Brother.

There was no grave to dig as there was no body to place in a casket. Just the marker to show Adam Cartwright had walked the land.

Shelby and Ruth laid flowers in front of the marker. Hoss laid the neckerchief he had gotten Adam for his twenty-first birthday alongside the flowers, and Ben leaned Adam's favorite book of poetry next to that. Little Joe had Adam's hat clutched in his hands and stood by as the others said their goodbyes to his brother. When his turn came around, he was supposed to lay Adam's hat down. The others waited patiently. Little Joe looked up at his father, and Ben smiled at him and gave a slight nod. Joe looked to Hoss, and he also nodded, encouraging Little Joe on. A slight breeze blew gently, moving the petals of the flowers. Little Joe bent down and started to reach the hat out to set it by the marker. Grimacing as he tried to be brave, he hesitated then suddenly pulled the hat back and clung to it. "No! I want it!"

Hoss looked down, fighting back the tears of desolation. Big Dan laid a hand on Hoss's shoulder in support, all the while trying to hold himself together. Hop Sing stood nearby with head bowed. Eli put a strong arm around his weeping wife, Ruth, and Shelby shook her head as the floodgates fought to bust open. Others in attendance weren't faring any better.

Ben bent down, pulled Little Joe into a tight embrace, then whispered, "You can keep the hat, Son." Joe's deep, racking sobs shook his father to his very soul. No longer able to hold back his own tears, Ben clung to Little Joe and once more whispered, "You can keep his hat."

************

It was dark inside the small room, the only light coming from a small slit under the door. There were no windows. There was also no furniture, just a wooden floor. The lone occupant tensed at the sound of the padlock on the outside being fiddled with and removed. The solid wooden door swung outward and two men appeared in the doorway - one armed with a rifle and one carrying a tin cup and tin plate in his hands. The prisoner shaded his eyes from light that rushed in from outside the door. The man delivering the food set the plate and cup down near the door and retrieved a cup and plate that was on the floor nearby. The old plate still had some food on it, withered from having sat on the plate since the previous day. The man kept a cautious eye on the prisoner as he removed the dishes from the cell. The man with the rifle continued to point the weapon as the prisoner remained seated and wary on the bare floor over in the far corner.

Another man appeared in the doorway, dressed in expensive clothes and with a slight grin on his face. He watched as the old dishes were removed from the cell and remarked to the prisoner, "Still not happy with the cuisine I see."

The prisoner didn't respond but eyed his captors as if a hawk in a cage.

The man added in mock concern, "You should start eating. Put some weight back on. Wouldn't want your family not to be able to recognize you."

There was a moment before the prisoner responded. Then, with voice gravelly from lack of water and from a vicious round of coughing the previous day, the prisoner retorted, "Rancid water and boiled rat aren't my usual fare."

"Well, take heart then, Cartwright," Mandible sneered. "You won't be subjected to the menu much longer."

Adam fought deep within himself not to react to that statement. He knew release was not a possibility, so Mandible could only mean one thing...

Mandible smiled then turned to go. The man with the rifle waited until he was completely out then smirked at Adam, "Enjoy your meal." He backed out and re-padlocked the door.

Adam relaxed slightly, though his attention stayed focused in the direction of the door. The cell was dark again but by now he knew every inch of it by heart. He knew where the door was and how many steps it took to get there. He knew how many boards were in the floor and in which spots they creaked the most. And he knew how many boards made up each of the walls - and the location of the board which had been smashed in several days ago when Adam's fist had slammed against it in a fit of delirium and frustration.

The throbbing in his hand was now a constant reminder that he was still alive. He realized his hand was probably broken but that was the least of his problems. And he figured a broken hand was well worth it as he vaguely recalled picturing Mandible's face at the time of impact.

His meal awaited him, and he couldn't bear the thought of it. He'd lost count of how many times he'd gotten sick just from drinking the foul water. And he was sure he wasn't far off when he'd guessed the food was rat meat or something just as disgusting and hazardous to ingest. His insides had rebelled almost since the beginning of his captivity. He had refused both food and water at first but by the third day had realized he needed to try and survive any way possible until he could escape or be rescued.

Escape. He had tried that once but the pain of the beating he'd taken was still fresh in his mind. And now his captors took no chances, making sure a rifle was cocked and aimed at him whenever someone came to give him his meal or when Mandible came by to taunt him.

David Mandible. How Adam loathed that man. Taking him from his family and leading them to believe he was dead. Oh yes, Mandible had kept him informed of how well his plan was progressing. First he had told Adam about sending Beauty home with blood dripping from her mane - the blood of an animal Mandible's driver had shot. Next Adam had to hear of the family's desperate attempts to locate him, and how Mandible had conveniently left Adam's hat floating in the river for his family to find. Mandible joked at the pitiful reward for information Ben Cartwright and friends had put together, while Adam's insides twisted in knots as he realized how badly the family needed the money for other things. Mandible also relished in detailing how he had bribed officials in Boston to inform anyone checking up on his whereabouts that he was still there. And just yesterday Mandible had laughed as he told a stricken Adam of the pathetic little funeral the family had held and how his little brother had cried his eyes out, refusing to relinquish his hat. At the moment the words left Mandible's mouth, Adam had defied the rifle aimed his way and charged at Mandible. Apparently the guard had orders not to shoot, for instead he used the rifle to beat Adam senseless. Adam didn't regain consciousness until this morning, in agonizing pain from the beating yet in more pain from the horrific heartache he knew he was causing his family.

His head hurt incessantly, though to varying degrees. Between the beatings he had received and the conditions he was being subjected to, it was no wonder. He was running a fever and having intestinal problems also, due, he suspected, to the food and water he was being given. He was just thankful that Mandible saw to it that the cell was kept reasonably sanitary. Adam suspected it was more because of the fact Mandible loved to come by and taunt him and wouldn't want to be exposed to disease than a concern for Adam's welfare.

Adam's days passed by slowly. In the darkness, he didn't know if it was daytime or nighttime and at some point finally realized he just didn't care.

He was growing accustomed to the daily bouts of nausea and vomiting and to other unpleasant moments. Adam grimaced just thinking about them.

He had lucid periods and many that were not so lucid. And lately he was having a hard time determining what was real or what his fevered mind was conjuring up.

He started to get up to stretch his legs but winced and reconsidered. Yesterday's beating had taken a toll on his ribs and stomach, too. Adam sank back to a sitting position and closed his eyes. He wasn't going anywhere.

A few hours passed by - slowly as all the others. He'd had lots of time to think as he remained caged in the darkness day after day, with the seconds tick, tick, ticking ever so slowly by. Adam's thoughts often turned to his family. He had so many regrets and hoped he lived so he could make amends with his brothers and with his father.

He'd also had plenty of time to wonder why God was punishing him so. The stench of Adam's cell permeated every breath he took. His once-a-day meals consisted of rodent remains and filthy, rank water. And perhaps the most unbearable part, besides the unending boredom, was the waiting. Adam knew he was a condemned man just waiting for the executioner to have his day. But he could only speculate on what method Mandible would choose. The man had waited over twenty long years to see Adam Cartwright die. Would it be how Mandible had first planned his death so many years ago - to have Adam's throat slit as Mandible's father had died? Or would that be all too easy? Mandible was obviously insane. What depraved end did he have in mind for Ben Cartwright's son? Was this it? Was Adam destined to die from starvation and disease, all alone in this dark, gruesome pit, and with the knowledge that his family had suffered, too? Or could there be something even worse that Mandible had in mind? In the early days of Adam's captivity, just thinking about the possibilities had sent shivers down his spine. But now he was to a point where he was just too numb to worry about it any longer.

Why was this happening? Adam clutched his hand, wincing, and again wondered what crimes he had committed that had so angered God to the point Adam found himself subjected to such inhumane treatment? Could it be a way of atonement for the two lives he had taken defending his family and himself? Adam pondered that question over and over as the days dragged by and his mind grew weaker, his thoughts more incoherent. At times he even saw Mandible, gavel in hand, screaming out Adam's sentence in front of a packed courtroom as the crowd hollered its agreement. Even his family, sitting in the front row, angrily shouted for Adam's end. At one point, Pa shook hands with Mandible, his bitter enemy, as they laughed and congratulated each other, and as Adam was led off in shackles. Adam screamed "No!" and the image gradually faded into the darkness, but Mandible's evil laughter remained behind. Adam's hands tore through his own hair, begging for the laughter to end, but even covering his ears couldn't stop the relentless torment. Finally his screams had brought the guards rushing in, flooding the room with a horrific brightness that was cut short as the guard's rifle butt ended Adam's nightmare for hours. Only the not-so-gentle kick by one of the guards roused him sometime later and he awoke, jaw throbbing and mouth bloody, to survive yet another day in his own private hell.

Damn him! Adam Cartwright was not a man of violence, but the more his insides twisted from starvation and disease and the more his parched throat swelled, desperate for liquids, the more he hated Mandible. Adam half-stood, half-crawled over in the direction he knew he'd find the tin cup and plate. He'd put it off long enough. They couldn't be any worse than when they had been first delivered several hours ago. Bad water and heaven only knew what was on the plate awaited him. But Adam knew he had to try and survive. He found the cup in the darkness and held it to his lips, hesitant to drink. His thirst could hold out no longer. Shutting his eyes, he swallowed half of the contents. Yes, just as horrible as always. He would've wept in desperation but didn't have the strength. Setting the cup down, he next felt around for the plate. No utensils - he'd have to use his fingers but was getting used to that. He grabbed a bit of the food with his left hand. The meal, whatever it was, felt slimy to the touch. Holding his breath, Adam swallowed the portion and almost immediately retched. He hadn't thought it possible but the food was more putrid than ever before. He vomited again, this time until his throat burned from stomach acid being forced to the surface. Finally, weak and totally spent, Adam inched over a little to get away from the mess and collapsed, weeping.

************

From out of a fog, Adam heard, "Adam. Pa's waitin' for ya." It was Little Joe's voice, muffled in the distance.

Adam mouthed, "What?" but the words wouldn't come.

"Adam! Git up!" Hoss's voice now - more insistent and his brother was pulling on Adam's wrists, causing Adam to grimace as his broken hand was moved.

"Go away," Adam mumbled and tried to turn over. But Hoss held on firmly and said more crossly, "I said git up!"

Why is he so angry, Adam thought while trying to pull away. Intense, shooting pain in his hand brought him back to a semi-conscious state. Adam groaned, "Hoss, let go." But the torment only increased.

Someone was picking him up, lifting him under his arms.

"Pa?" Adam strained to see but the blinding light assaulted him.

"Stand up!" A man's voice. Not Hoss. Not Pa. Adam heard roaring in his ears as he struggled to stand while on the verge of passing out. He almost fell back but someone had his wrists and was yanking on them. Feeling as if a knife was going through his broken hand, Adam cried out. The fog was lifting and he became aware that he was in his cell surrounded by his guards and Mandible. They had his wrists tied securely in front of him with heavy rope and the cell door was open.

"You're going on a trip, Adam. I'm taking you home now."

Adam tried to fathom those words coming out of Mandible's mouth. He muttered feebly, "What?"

The other two men each grabbed one of his arms and roughly led him out of the cell, supporting him just enough so he half-stumbled and was half-dragged out of the cell. Adam almost passed out as his hand was jostled. Mandible followed behind them with a satisfied look on his face.

Adam was dragged down to a small lake he didn't recognize or at least didn't think he did. Everything was hazy to him still. The two guards pulled him out to the middle of the lake and took turns laughing and dunking his head under while taunting him with statements like "Ya ain't clean yet!" and "Ya smell worse than a barroom floor!" Adam coughed and sputtered each time he was yanked to the surface. The men relished in forcing him under for longer periods of time. Mandible watched with sadistic pleasure and he at last called out, "That's enough!"

By this time, Adam was dead weight as the men hauled him out. They dropped him unceremoniously on the bank and towered above him laughing as he fought gut-wrenching coughs and gasped for air. His wrists were still bound tightly in front of him and were rubbed raw from the rope cutting into them. His broken right hand was swollen and this added to the increasing pressure against the ropes.

"Ya ready fer yer trip, Boy?" one of the men laughed as he and the other guard changed into some dry clothes and boots nearby. Adam was soaking wet and continued to cough up lake water. The guard went over and kicked him. When Adam moaned, the man joked to the other guard, "Guess that's a yes."

The two men then grabbed Adam by his arms, dragged him over to a horse, and tied him facedown across the saddle. Adam was only barely aware of what was going on now and too weak to struggle. Mandible observed as his men completed their task then he mounted his horse. The two guards mounted up also, with one taking the reins of Adam's horse and the other man leading a pack horse that was loaded down.

The group headed off.

************

They made camp for the night. Mandible's men pulled Adam off his horse then tied him to a tree. He was unconscious and hadn't stirred since the lake. Mandible came over and grabbed him by the hair to lift his face up. Adam still couldn't be roused.

Mandible released him and told one of the guards, "Get him some water." The man strolled leisurely over to retrieve a canteen then held it out to the other guard, the one who had brought Adam's food to his cell. He knelt down, uncapped the canteen, then tilted Adam's head back and held the canteen to his lips. Choking on the water brought Adam back to some realm of consciousness. The guard stood up and he and the others looked down on their captive.

"Like these accommodations better?" teased Mandible.

Adam tried focusing on the world around him. He didn't respond which only served to anger the second guard. The man grabbed him by the neck and forced his head up to look at Mandible. "Mr. Mandible asked you a question, Boy!"

By this time, Adam was too far gone to care what was going to happen. He snorted a little and didn't speak.

"Leave him alone," Mandible ordered. He looked at his two men. "See to the horses."

The guard with his hand on Adam's neck released him roughly and got up to go off with the other guard.

No explanation was necessary but Mandible enjoyed toying with his prey. "They're animals, Cartwright, but they suit my needs."

Adam closed his eyes. There was no longer any pain. How strange, he thought wearily.

Mandible's voice came to him from a distance. "You and your father spoiled my plans once, Adam. That won't happen again."

With his last ounce of strength, Adam whispered, "Finish it."

Mandible smiled down on him. "No. Not just yet. I want your father to be there to see you die."

Adam slowly looked up at him with glazed eyes.

Mandible savored his next words. "And after he's devastated from losing you a second time, I'll kill him - or I may let him live to remember what I did to you.

Those last words went unheard as Adam's head slumped forward and he embraced the world of oblivion.

************

Ben didn't recognize the visitor who had ridden up to the Ponderosa. The man had told Hop Sing he had information about Adam, and the cook had hurriedly gone off to find Ben. Ben was working in the barn with Little Joe and Hoss. Hop Sing was cautious with the boys present and merely informed Ben he had a visitor. Hop Sing offered to stay and help the boys, in hopes of keeping them away from the man until Ben had spoken with him. Hop Sing didn't want Little Joe or Hoss upset if it wasn't necessary.

Ben headed out of the barn and over to the man who was in the process of dismounting. "I'm Ben Cartwright. You wanted to see me?"

"Yes Sir, Mr. Cartwright. Name's Barnes. I hear there's a $500 reward for information about what happened to your son."

Ben's heart started pounding at possible word of Adam, but he forced himself to remain calm. "That's right. If your information leads me to concrete information about my son, Mr. Barnes."

Barnes took off his hat and scratched his head then set the hat back on. "Appears to me I may have somethin'."

Ben scrutinized the man. Barnes was about Ben's size and weight, wore trail clothes, and was unshaven. "Go on."

The man scratched at the stubble on his face. "Well, Mr. Cartwright, I'll need ta show it to ya."

Ben was wary. "Show me what?"

Barnes spread his hands as if in sincerity. "Sorry I cain't be more specific, Mr. Cartwright. I'm jus' tryin' ta help ya." When Ben didn't say anything, Barnes added, "'Course if ya don't want my help, well ..." He started to re-mount.

"Wait!" Desperate for answers, Ben had to trust him. "Wait here. I'll get my horse."

The man nodded. Ben cast one more wary look his way, then hurried to the barn to tell his family.

************

As Hoss and Little Joe watched their father ride off with the stranger, Hoss had a questioning look on his face.

Little Joe glanced up at him. "Hoss?"

Hoss kept watching his father ride off as he answered, "Yeah?"

"I wanna go with Pa."

"Ya heard him. He said to stay here."

"I know. But I ain't."

Hoss looked down at him. Little Joe had defiance in his eyes. Hoss saw that and considered the situation. After a few moments, he said in a low voice, "I ain't neither! Let's git the horses!"

Little Joe's eyes lit up and he hurried to the barn. Hoss glanced over at the house to make sure Hop Sing had gone inside then he followed after his brother.

************

Ben wore a sidearm. He had started wearing one when he had finally relented and allowed Adam to carry one last year when Jack Wolf had hired men to threaten the family. It became second nature for both Ben and Adam to carry a pistol from then on and now Ben rested a little easier knowing he had one as he rode alongside the stranger. Something about Barnes caused Ben to be uneasy but he couldn't pin it down. "Where are we going?"

The other man galloped along easily and remarked, "You'll see."

Should he trust him? Ben really had no choice. He was desperate to find out what had happened to Adam well over six weeks ago.

Little Joe and Hoss followed at a distance and well out of sight.

Hoss moaned, "Pa's gonna kill us when he finds out."

Little Joe shrugged as he rode along. "I don't care. I wanna know where they're goin'."

"Me, too." Hoss added morosely, "But Pa's gonna kill us."

************

Barnes pulled his horse up and dismounted as they reached the riverbank, and Ben did likewise. Ben glanced around, remembering the spot well. This was where Daniel had said he pulled Adam's hat from the murky water. "What now?"

The other man walked over to some reeds by the river, bent down and felt around the area as if looking for something.

Ben joined him. "What are you looking for?"

"Seems it was right around here."

"What?"

A gunshot suddenly rang out and a bullet cut into the dirt at Ben's feet. He twisted around as he began reaching for his gun.

"Hold it!" a man aiming a rifle warned.

Ben slowly raised his hands as Barnes relieved him of his gun. "Ya won't be needin' this no longer," he laughed.

Meanwhile, Little Joe and Hoss had ridden up out of view and were horrified to see what was happening. They exchanged fearful glances.

Barnes cocked Ben's pistol and indicated for him to head over by the man with the rifle. Ben hesitantly complied with hands still raised. "What do you want?"

"We wanna help ya find out what happened to yer son," Barnes grinned. He led Ben up to the other man, then struck Ben alongside the head with the pistol, momentarily stunning Ben and knocking him to the ground.

Little Joe and Hoss had dismounted and Hoss had to clamp his hand over Little Joe's mouth to keep him from shouting to his father. "Shhhhh! We gotta help Pa."

Little Joe squirmed out of Hoss' grasp and whispered, "How?"

"I don't know. Should'a brung my rifle but Hop Sing would'a known we was leavin'."

"Well, what can we do?"

Hoss tried to think quickly. "Let's see if they got rifles on their horses!"

"Yeah!"

"C'mon!"

Little Joe nodded and they headed off.

Ben struggled to clear his head and heard Barnes call out, "I brung Cartwright!"

A man's voice answered from close by, "I see."

Ben struggled to stand and was suddenly horrified to see David Mandible strolling out from the other side of the trees. "You!"

Mandible smiled. "Yes, Cartwright. It was me all along."

Ben started to rush forward but Barnes fired the pistol in the air, stopping him in his tracks.

Mandible cautioned, "Wouldn't want to orphan your other sons now would you?"

Off in the trees, Little Joe and Hoss had heard the shot and hurried while still out of sight to make sure their father was all right. Relieved at seeing him still standing they resumed their search for the horses.

Ben watched as Mandible came closer. Loathing filled Ben's soul as he asked, "What did you do to my son?"

"Ah, let's see. Which son would that be?"

Ben raged, "Tell me!"

Mandible just chuckled. "Oh, you want to hear about Adam? I see. Well, if I tell you, I suppose I'm entitled to that pitiful reward?"

Ben wanted to strangle the man. Only his desperate need to remain alive for his two youngest sons prevented him from trying. "Is he alive?"

"That's a good question."

"You're a sick man, Mandible."

"I'm not the only one," Mandible laughed. Glancing over at the man with the rifle, he cocked his head in the direction of the wooded area. The man returned the nod, lowered the rifle, and hurried off that way.

Ben watched him go. Dread filled his heart as he waited to see what Mandible was up to. After a few moments the man returned leading a horse with a man's body draped over it. Ben's breath caught upon seeing the jet black hair which hid the face. "Adam?" He rushed over to the horse and Mandible's men didn't try to stop him. Ben pushed the hair aside. The face was bruised and pale, the eyes had a sunken look, and the black beard made him almost unrecognizable. But Ben would know his eldest son under any circumstances. "Adam!"

Ben gently lifted his son off the horse and to the ground and cradled him in his arms. Adam's hands were tightly bound in front of him; his clothes were filthy and torn. "Oh, Adam!" Ben desperately felt for a pulse. At first he was unable to find one, but after a few tense seconds Ben located the faintest hint of one in Adam's neck. Tears fell as Ben clung to his unconscious and half-dead son. "Adam! Oh, Adam!"

Mandible looked on in amusement. His two men stood by waiting for orders.

"How touching," Mandible chided.

Ben ignored him and hurriedly untied the thick rope which was slicing into Adam's wrists. He agonized at seeing his son's swollen and battered hand.

"He's dying, you know," Mandible grinned. "I'm amazed he's survived this long."

Working Adam's wrists and arms to try to get circulation back, Ben looked up at Mandible and spat, "What have you done to him?"

Mandible casually flicked some dust from his lapel. "He paid the family debt." He added menacingly, "Or most of it."

"You animal!"

"You've got him back. I thought you'd be pleased."

Ben knew he had to try and get Adam help fast. He glared up at Mandible. "It's over. You've had your revenge, Mandible. Now leave!"

"Not entirely true." Mandible drew his gun. "I still have a little unfinished business with you."

Ben saw the gun pointed his way and felt no fear, only tremendous contempt. "Shooting an unarmed man while he's holding his dying son. You're despicable!"

Mandible sneered, "Get up, Cartwright."

"No!"

"I said get up!" Mandible signaled for his men. Parks pulled Adam out of Ben's grasp while the other man restrained Ben.

"No!"

Tremendous fury seized Ben. He fought back hard and smashed into Barnes' jaw. The man collapsed to the ground, out cold. Mandible's other man rushed to contain Ben while Mandible waited impatiently, keeping his gun aimed.

A gunshot boomed through the air and a man's voice hollered, "Don't move!" Mandible whirled around to fire into the trees at the unknown assailant. Anger raged on his face as his gun blasted away in response, though the bullets missed their mark and sped harmlessly past Little Joe and Hoss. Hoss returned fire and he had always been a good shot. Mandible's body jerked slightly as the bullet blasted a gaping hole in his stomach and tore through his spine. Stunned and almost as if in slow motion, Mandible looked down at the blood spurting all over his expensive suit. He struggled to see who had bested him and was stupefied at seeing the two youngest Cartwright boys coming toward him. With one last gasp, Mandible spat, "Damn you!" and crumpled to the dirt. His body twitched violently several times and then went still. The blood poured from his mouth just as hate had for so long poured from his heart.

And Mandible was gone.

Ben seized the extra seconds of confusion to finish off the other man. The man was no match for an enraged, grieving father and was out cold not long after Mandible had hit the ground. Ben took a moment to catch his breath as Hoss came hurrying toward him with a rifle in his hands and Little Joe ran past him to get to Adam. "Adam!"

Hoss gasped at seeing his older brother's condition and rushed to him. Ben quickly thought to retrieve the weapons laying nearby and threw them far into the bushes then joined his sons by Adam's side.

Little Joe was distraught as he asked, "Is he dead, Pa?"

Ben once again cradled Adam in his arms and searched for a pulse. "He's still alive, but we've gotta get him home!" He glanced at Hoss. "Get these men tied up quickly before they come to. But first get Adam some water!"

Hoss nodded and hurried off.

"Little Joe."

"Yeah, Pa?"

"Town is closer than the Ponderosa. Go get help! Tell Eli and Big Dan what happened. And Shelby. Ask them to get out here - quickly!"

"All right, Pa!" Little Joe went running off to get Paint, his pinto.

Ben looked down at Adam and brushed the hair from his face. He whispered, "I love you, Son. Hang on." Then he closed his eyes and prayed, "After all this, please don't take my son." He repeated the prayer over and over as he and Hoss waited an eternity for help to arrive.

************

Adam was almost gone by the time they got him back to the Ponderosa. Big Dan had brought a wagon from town and Adam was transported back to the ranch as quickly but as gently as possible. Ben never left his side, resting Adam's head in his lap and begging his son to hang on. For Hoss and Little Joe it was one of the longest trips of their lives as they rode alongside the wagon and winced at every bump in the road the wagon encountered.

Once Adam was home, Eli and Big Dan took the wagon back to retrieve Mandible's body and pick up the two bound criminals to transport them to town. There was talk of leaving Mandible for the vultures, but Ben just wanted the body off the Ponderosa as quickly as possible. Shelby stayed at the ranch to help Ben and Hop Sing get Adam settled. Little Joe and Hoss silently tended to the stock as they anxiously waited for some word of their brother's condition.

Later that night, the two boys sat at the table absently pushing food around on their plates but without the slightest intention of eating.

Shelby watched as she sat across from them with arms folded. "I know mah cookin' ain't much but ya could at least try it."

Brought out of his fretting, Hoss looked up and asked, "Huh?"

Little Joe kept his head down and picked a little at his food.

Shelby shook her head, unfolded her arms and leaned a little forward. "Hey, Adam's gonna be all right. Don't 'cha worry, none."

Little Joe just shrugged.

Shelby continued, "Hop Sing and yer pa are takin' good care of him."

Hoss desperately wanted to believe her. "But he looks so bad."

"I know. But he's held on fer this long. Ya gotta believe he's gonna make it."

Little Joe looked up hopefully. "Ya really think so, Shelby?"

Shelby laid a hand on his shoulder. "Sher. Yer brother's gonna get better. Why he'll be up teasin' ya again in no time."

Little Joe cracked the faintest hint of a smile. Hoss wasn't ready to believe it yet but he did want to ease his little brother's concern. "Shelby's right, Joe. Ol' Adam'll be fine. We jus' gotta wait."

Shelby knew what he was up to. She winked at him and announced, "Well, ah better be goin'. Let me go check in on Adam one more time. You boys clean up so Hop Sing can stay and help yer pa, all right?

Hoss and smiled up at her. "Sher, Shelby. We'll clean up. Right, Little Joe?"

Little Joe nodded slightly, though still troubled about Adam.

Shelby added gently to Joe before turning toward the bedroom, "He'll be jus' fine."

************

The family wasn't about to lose Adam again. From the very first night and every day and night after that they stayed by his side and refused to let Mandible win. They fought back with love, with cold compresses and fluids, and with all of Hop Sing's strange medicinal concoctions, too. They fought as a family and they fought with the help of friends, and they steadfastly refused to give up.

Adam was unconscious or delirious for days on end. At times in his delirium Adam would cry out for help. Other times he would call out for members of his family or rant on about Mandible. It was tortuous to hear him and not be able to calm his troubled mind and heart, but his family stayed by his side through it all.

His sunken frame could barely keep down more than sips of water, but the family forced medicines and broth down every chance they could. Adam seemed to fight them, though he had little strength left, whenever they tried to get liquids down his throat. Ben could see how it tore at his other sons to see their brother struggling so hard to resist the life-giving fluids, but the family persisted in their efforts because there was just no other way. Ben had a hard time comprehending what was going through his son's fevered mind as he struggled against every drop of water they tried to get into him. Ben could only imagine what Mandible had done to him, and he cursed the man as Adam's battle for survival wore on.

Worry etched on Little Joe's face as he stood next to his father's chair in the bedroom one day and watched Ben and Hop Sing try and force Adam to swallow some medicine. Adam was lost in another world and kept trying to twist his head away.

Little Joe was growing more anxious. "Pa?"

Ben's concentration remained on Adam. "Easy, Son."

Adam was having muscle spasms and Hop Sing's medicine would help calm them.

Hoss stood in the doorway and chewed his lip in consternation as he looked on.

At last, Hop Sing and Ben were successful. Adam choked as the medicine went down his throat. The muscle spasms continued.

"Medicine work soon," Hop Sing advised.

Ben let out a slow breath. "Thank you, Hop Sing."

Hop Sing bowed slightly and looked over at the two boys. "Little Joe, please come. Hop Sing needs more wood."

Ben knew he was trying to distract Joe, and for that Ben was grateful. "Go on, Son."

Little Joe watched his brother grimace as the spasms continued. Joe looked to his father. "Pa?"

Ben put his hand on Joe's shoulder. "It's all right. Adam will feel better as soon as the medicine starts working."

Joe nodded hesitantly and followed Hop Sing out.

Hoss came over to the other side of the bed and watched as Adam's face finally relaxed a little and he settled down.

Ben glanced over at Hoss. "He'll rest easier now."

"Yeah."

Ben leaned back in his chair, figuring on another long night. "You better get some rest, Hoss."

Hoss sat in a nearby chair and reached over to adjust the quilt on Adam's shoulder. "Nah, I ain't tired yet."

All of Ben's energies had been focused on his eldest son for days, and he just now realized the enormous strain his other sons had been under. "Are you all right, Hoss?"

Hoss cocked his eyebrows. "Me?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I haven't been able to think of much of anything lately but helping Adam."

"No. You shouldn't apologize, Pa. Adam's all that matters right now."

Always the generous soul Ben thought with a smile. "Hoss, you know we haven't had much of a chance to talk about what happened that day."

It took a moment for Hoss to understand what his father was referring to. "Oh, that's all right, Pa."

"How do you feel - about shooting Mandible?"

Hoss shrugged.

"You saved our lives, Hoss."

"Yeah, I reckon."

"You did. There's nothing to feel guilty about."

Hoss got up and walked over to the window. He turned back to ask, "What's wrong with me, Pa?"

Ben frowned. "What do you mean, Son?"

"I mean I don't feel nuthin'. I shot him - and I don't feel nuthin'"

"How do you think you should feel?"

"If it was Adam, he'd feel turrible and guilty and all that."

"But you're two different people, Hoss."

"But I don't understand. Why don't I feel anything?"

Ben got up and walked over to him. "Hoss, after what that man did to your family and what he was about to do, you had every reason to shoot him. You saved our lives."

"But ..."

Ben continued. "Mandible gave you no choice, Son."

"But the same thing happened with Jack Wolf. And with Mr. Covington. And it tore Adam up about killin' 'em."

Ben laid his hand on Hoss's shoulder. "You're two different people, Hoss, with different feelings and thoughts. And you've both led different lives." Ben paused as he tried to understand it, too. "I don't know, maybe because Adam has seen more death in his lifetime. Maybe that's why those two men dying affected him the way they did. I don't know. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - or with him. You both just did what you had to do. Understand?"

Hoss again just shrugged.

Ben squeezed his shoulder. "We've had a rough year with all that Mandible did and with what Jack Wolf put us through. And most of my energies have been focused on helping Adam get through it. But, Hoss, I hope I haven't overlooked you or Little Joe in the process."

Hoss instantly spoke up. "No. It's all right, Pa. Adam needed ya more."

Ben smiled at his middle son, realizing once again what a special person he had grown into. "I'm proud of you, Son. I know I don't say it nearly as much as I should, but I'm so very proud of you."

Hoss was a little overcome and couldn't reply. Ben drew him into a strong embrace and repeated, "So very proud."

************

A few days and nights crawled by. Finally, one night Adam took a turn for the worst. Little Joe refused to leave his side and slept in a bedroll on the floor while Hoss held onto Adam's heavily bandaged right hand for hours as if desperately trying to impart his strength to his dying brother.

Ben held Adam's left hand throughout the long night as Adam's fever raged out of control. At one point the family even immersed Adam in a tub of water to try and cool his fevered body.

All of the prayers Ben had prayed up to this night culminated in one final impassioned plea to ease his son's suffering - in whatever way the Lord so chose. A single tear ran from the corner of Ben's eye as he clutched his eldest son's hand.

The hours wore on. Ben at last convinced Hoss to try and get a few hours of sleep and encouraged Hop Sing to do the same. The two were totally exhausted and reluctantly agreed but cast one final look Adam's way before leaving.

Ben glanced over at his youngest son who slept soundly nearby. The lantern-light flickered and Ben rubbed his eyes, refusing to give in to sleep. He suddenly heard Adam take a deep, tortuous breath, then let out a soft, hesitant moan. Ben instantly moved closer. "Adam?"

His son groaned. Ben felt Adam's cheeks then wrung a cloth out in a nearby basin. He gently patted Adam's face with the cool cloth. "Adam?"

Adam's breathing eased a little.

"Adam? It's Pa. Can you hear me?"

Adam's eyelids fluttered but didn't open. Ben poured some water into a nearby glass. He held it to Adam's lips and gently lifted his head. As the rim of the glass touched his lower lip, Adam parted his lips slightly and Ben was able to get a few drops of water into him. "Adam?"

Adam could only faintly be heard. "Pa?"

Still holding his son's head he almost wept as he heard his son ask for him for the first time in almost two months. "Yes, Son. It's Pa."

Adam's eyelids again fluttered and this time they slit open but his eyes were unfocused. He muttered softly, "Thirsty."

It was the most beautiful sound Ben had ever heard. He again held the glass to Adam's lips and this time let him swallow more. "Here, Son. Take it slowly."

Adam felt the cool water going down his throat and smiled ever slightly before the glass was pulled away. He gave a deep weary sigh.

The tears that fell unabashedly were Ben's tears of joy this time. "You're gonna be all right, Adam."

Adam mumbled, "Tired."

"I know, Son. Just rest."

Ben was about to give Adam some more water but saw his son's face suddenly grow tense. Adam's breath caught as he groaned, "Pa, Mandible ...!"

Ben clutched his arm. "Adam, listen to me. Mandible's dead."

Adam's head tossed back and forth. "No, he's coming!" Adam tried to rise but he was too weak. "Help me!"

Ben gathered his son in his arms. "Shhhhh. You're all right. It's all over, Son. Mandible's gone."

Trembling, Adam groaned again. "No, the carriage...!"

Ben wiped Adam's brow with the wet cloth as he held him. "Easy, Son. He's dead. You're safe now."

Adam was breathing rapidly, but Ben's words started filtering through to him. He whispered, "Dead?"

His face was damp with sweat. Ben brushed the matted hair back off his brow a little. "Yes, Son. Dead. You're safe."

Adam mumbled, "Safe?" His breathing eased and he asked one more time faintly, "Safe?"

"Yes."

Adam's eyelids grew heavy and after a time he drifted off to sleep.

Ben whispered, "Yes, Adam, you're safe, now." With those words, Ben reassured himself as well as his son. He closed his eyes and mouthed a heartfelt, "Thank you."

The exhausted and relieved father held onto his sleeping son through the rest of the night.

************

Hours later, Ben took a break, leaving Adam in his ecstatic brothers' care. Adam was still asleep, but Little Joe and Hoss were determined to be there when he woke up so they could welcome their older brother back. Adam's sleep was more restful and Hop Sing felt he had a good chance if the fever that had at last broken didn't flare up again, and if Adam could start keeping something more substantial than water down.

Hop Sing had been up most of the night and was already preparing the family's next meal. He looked up from his work as he heard the bedroom door close. "He rests easier?"

Ben smiled the first smile he remembered attempting in a very long time. "Yes. He rests easier, Hop Sing."

Hop Sing too felt an unaccustomed smile brighten his face. "Is good."

"Yes," Ben grinned while reaching for his cup. "Is very good." He poured some coffee and commented before heading back to the bedroom. "Better have plenty of food, Hop Sing. I know two boys who will be very hungry."

Hop Sing's grin widened and he nodded.

Ben had begun walking to the bedroom but turned back momentarily. "Thank you, Hop Sing. For everything."

Hop Sing bowed slightly and modestly, then turned back to his work.

Ben went to rejoin his sons.

************

Adam heard someone calling to him in the distance. "Pa?" he barely croaked out.

Ben said softly, "Yes, Adam. It's Pa."

Adam struggled to open his eyes. Things were drastically out of focus and he strained to see his father clearly.

"Easy, Son."

Adam groaned slightly. He felt so weak he could hardly move. He again attempted to bring his father's face into focus and at last succeeded. He relaxed a little as he realized it wasn't a dream.

Ben took his hand, squeezed it, and said, "Welcome back, Son."

Adam glanced around carefully as the room seemed to be swaying. His eyes came to rest on two happy faces.

Grinning from ear to ear, Little Joe remarked, "Hey, Adam. We sher missed ya!"

Standing next to Joe, Hoss added exuberantly, "Yeah, we sher did!"

Adam let out a deep, weary breath and tried to manage a smile. He wasn't sure he succeeded.

Ben wanted to take full advantage of Adam's time awake. "Little Joe, please have Hop Sing bring your brother some broth."

His youngest son answered, "Sher, Pa," and hurried out.

Hoss came over closer to the bed. "How ya feel, Adam?"

That was a good question. Adam hadn't any idea how he felt. He could barely move and was only partially aware of the world around him. He mumbled, "Don't know."

Ben smiled and laid a hand on his arm. "It's all right, Son. You're doing fine."

Hoss echoed that sentiment. "Yeah, Adam. Yer doin' jus' fine."

Little Joe hurried back in the room, anxious to keep an eye on his eldest brother. "Hop Sing's gettin' Adam somethin' to eat."

Images of the ghastly food he had been given in captivity raced through Adam's head. Confused, he tensed, and Ben sensed it.

Ben tightened his grip on Adam's arm. "Easy, Son. It's all right."

Adam looked at his father's reassuring face and was soon able to relax.

Little Joe eyed his brother. "Boy, Adam. You sher got some beard!"

Hoss and Ben both chuckled at that. Adam attempted to reach up to feel it but he was too tired to even lift his arm.

"No, don't worry about it," Ben grinned. "You'll have plenty of time to shave when you get better."

"Yeah, Adam," Hoss teased. "And it don't look too bad."

Adam snorted slightly and whispered, "Thanks a lot."

Little Joe giggled.

Adam started to nod off but Ben again gripped his arm. "Don't go to sleep yet, Son. Hop Sing's bringing you some food."

Adam mumbled, "Too tired."

"I know, but you need to eat something. Stay awake just a little longer."

Adam struggled to keep his eyes open.

Little Joe wanted to help keep him awake and had a sudden thought. He grinned as he said, "Oh, Adam. Thanks for the candy!"

Ben's eyes danced as he glanced over at his youngest son. Hoss chuckled.

It took a few moments for Adam to try and comprehend what in the world his little brother was talking about. His eyebrows came together as he strained to see Joe. He whispered, "What?"

"The candy," Joe repeated. "It sher was good!"

Struggling to spread the cobwebs aside in his mind, Adam at last recalled the candy in the saddlebags. The corners of his mouth curved slightly upward as he hoarsely explained, "That was for Hoss, Joe."

"Aw..." Joe knew he was being teased and this one time he didn't mind.

Ben chuckled. Hoss laughed. And Adam fell back to sleep.

************

Three weeks later, Adam sat out on the porch watching Hoss and Little Joe ride off on their horses and Hop Sing riding next to them in the wagon.

Ben came outside with two cups and offered Adam one.

"Thanks, Pa." Adam grabbed the cup with his left hand then sipped carefully at the coffee.

"Adam, Hop Sing left you some cake whenever you're ready."

Adam half-grinned. "He's trying to make me fat."

Ben smiled. "He has been overdoing it a little - but let him. It makes him feel good."

"All right. You know, I think Hoss wanted to take the cake with him."

"Oh, that's what that look of despair was when they left."

Adam grinned, "Yeah."

Ben took the chair next to him. He glanced over at his son. Adam was still pale and weak, and his face even now displayed the harsh treatment he had endured. He hadn't been able to shave yet due to the bruises, but Adam was too tired to care. His right hand and wrist were wrapped in a splint and bandaged, and his arm rested in a sling.

"How do you feel, Son?"

Adam took a long, deep breath then looked over at his father. "Exhausted."

"I'm sure you do." Ben sipped at his coffee. Setting the cup aside he considered his son. "Adam, you know if you ever want to talk about what happened ..."

Adam sighed. A number of times in the past few weeks he had wanted to do just that, but every time he was ready, horrible memories had flooded his thoughts and he found he just couldn't do it. "I can't, Pa."

Ben gripped his shoulder for a moment. "It's all right."

Adam set his cup aside also. He ran a hand through his hair. How he wanted to tell his father everything.

Ben scrutinized him. "Talking about it might help."

No, Adam thought. Nothing would help. He shook his head.

"Adam, please try."

Adam stood up and looked out over the meadow. He had to grip the post on the porch with his left hand to support himself. After hesitating for a few moments, he finally turned to his father and said, "Pa, I murdered two men."

Ben's eyes narrowed in concern. "What men?"

"Mr. Covington and Jack Wolf."

Ben relaxed slightly. "Oh. What does that have to do with ...?"

"I deserved what happened."

"No, Adam." Ben got up immediately and went over to his son. "This wasn't your fault. Mandible was a sick, evil man."

Adam closed his eyes, reliving the hell. "It was so horrible. I felt that it was God's way of punishing me."

Ben's heart twisted. He placed his hand on Adam's back. "Adam, you were very ill - and very confused. Surely you can see now it was all Mandible's doing?"

"But ..."

"And you weren't to blame for those two men. They were threatening members of your family and threatening you. You had no choice. Just as Hoss had to kill Mandible."

Adam again raked his hand through his hair. "You don't understand."

Ben said gently, "Adam, Mandible's gone now. It's all over."

His son stood there so wanting to believe those words but remembering he had believed them before.

"Please don't let him hurt you anymore, Son."

Adam looked away.

Ben prodded Adam back to face him. "You have to forgive yourself for whatever you think you've done. You've suffered enough - no, more than enough."

Adam searched his father's eyes, desperately hoping for absolution. After a few moments, he nodded half-heartedly. "I'll try."

Ben pulled him into a strong embrace. As he clung to his son, Ben whispered, "I love you."

Adam didn't feel he was worthy of love. His father could sense it and held him tighter. "God loves you, too, Son."

Hoping for a response, Ben pulled back slightly. He studied Adam's face as his son considered that statement. "Adam?"

Not yet ready to let it go, Adam couldn't easily accept his father's words. But his mind did ponder over them. He was still alive - against all odds. Could his father possibly be right?

What's easy for most people, now took monumental effort on Adam's part. He actually cracked a smile. "Hey, where's that cake, Pa?"

Ben squeezed his arms before releasing him and answered, "I'm with you, Son. Let's get it before Hoss gets back."

Adam nodded. With his arm around his father and his father's arm around him, Adam took his first steps toward a new beginning and attempted to leave his demons where they belonged - in the past.

THE END.