A Tangled Web

by Vicki Christian

I watched Pa ride off into town, my temper still high. Would he never consider me a man? Would I always be a boy to him? I went back to the corral and began tying in new rails with angry movements. But as I concentrated on my work my temper cooled. As always, working eased my mood into one of contemplation. Pa’s words echoed in my head. If you think wearing a gun makes you more of a man, then you’ve more to learn than I thought. Was he right? Did I consider that the pistol was all I needed to make me a man? What if I had been wearing a pistol out at Holstrom’s? What would I have done? Gone out and faced that Mexican? Yeah, I smiled to myself, gone out and got myself shot more like. Wouldn’t have been much good to Little Joe, dead, would I? But that wasn’t the point.

I thought we had this settled. Pa’s words again. Yes, we’d had it settled, settled to Pa’s satisfaction that is, but not to mine. Was it really a year ago that I had been so foolish? But that was a year ago, things have changed since then, I have changed. Ma’s gone and we have a ranch to run and I’m doing a man’s job. Maybe if I think through what went wrong last year, I can come up with an argument that will sway Pa.

*****

The cold beer sure felt good slipping down my throat. It was more than hot outside, it was an inferno and working in the store all day had taken every ounce of my energy. I drained the glass and tossed a coin to Jack Roberts. "See you tomorrow at the willows?" I called as I left.

Jack nodded. "I’ll be there, might have a surprise for you too." He grinned at me and wagged a finger, telling me that I’d learn no more until tomorrow.

I hurried down the street, my eyes darting from one side to the other. I was supposed to be collecting a bridle that Pa had taken to Big Dan for repair. If I could make it another fifty yards without being seen no one would know I’ve been to the saloon. Pa doesn’t approve of the saloon, or Jack Roberts. In my opinion the only thing Pa approves of right now is work and more work.

I’d sure hear it if he found out what I’d been doing after work and on Saturday afternoons. Despite all his warnings I had gravitated to Jack Roberts, and I wasn’t the only one. Jack had a group of followers, all about my age and all anxious to learn about life. Jack had traveled all over the country and seen things I wanted to see. He talked about his life and made mine seem tame by comparison. I also liked Shelby - she teased me, told me I was handsome. Oh sure, Ma said it too, but then she was biased. I’d always considered myself too thin to be handsome but when Shelby said it I felt real good about myself. Pride Pa would call it and about something over which I had no control.

Just lately Pa and I had been butting heads a bit too often. All of us living in one room made for problems and I always seemed to be at odds with him. Ma said I was too quick to offer my opinion and Pa called it my smart mouth. I didn’t see why I always had to agree with him. I was old enough to think for myself. Leastwise that’s what he had taught us to do, now he got mad when I did it. We were all working hard toward buying our own piece of land. At first I had wanted it as much as Pa but lately I had begun to wonder if we would ever have enough money. I'd made a couple of friends in Eagle Station. They drank at the saloon, spent time with Jack and they always seemed to have more money than me. I gave most of my earnings to Ma and Pa, keeping only enough for personal things. Pa didn’t know that recently personal things included the odd beer at Shelby’s. I’d learned that the saloon belonged to Shelby and that Jack was not financially involved; he made his money at Poker and Monte and any other game of chance he could persuade customers to play. But it was obvious to even a blind man that the two shared something more than friendship.

Pa was a bit less antagonistic toward Shelby but he and Ma didn’t like the way she treated her bonded servant, Hop Sing. The Chinaman often cooked for us when Ma was teaching school. Ma would pay him of course, but the money went to Shelby. Hop Sing explained that he had to work for Shelby until he had paid off his bond but the amount he owed never seemed to go down very much and she treated him badly. Although he was older than me by a good few years, I had become friends with him too but he no more approved of my other friends than Pa did.

I picked up the bridle without incident and headed for home. My middle brother Erik was gathering up firewood from the pile in the yard as I approached. "What’s left for me to do?" I asked.

Erik shook his head and straightened with an armful of logs. "Nuthin’. Joe took the water up and we’ve got enough wood for tonight. You owe us."

I scowled. My brothers never let me get away with much even though I was the only one putting in a full day’s work.

"Where you been, anyhow? Talkin’ to Big Dan, I bet."

"No," I spoke without thinking, then had to cover my tracks. "I had to wait a while for the bridle."

Erik shrugged. "Pa was askin’"

Damn, now I’d either have to lie to Pa, or let my brother know that I’d been somewhere other than the livery. Admitting to Pa that I’d been in the saloon was not an option. "Look, I stopped up at Shelby’s for a beer. I’d rather keep it quiet."

Erik grinned. "Guessed as much. Better you than me when Pa finds out."

"He won’t." I said with confidence I didn’t feel. Pa always seemed to find out everything, at least, everything I didn’t want him to find out.

"An’ you’d better be calling her Miss Sterrett when he does." He moved ahead of me up the stairs chuckling to himself.

Erik was right, Pa had told me in no uncertain terms that I was to be respectful. No matter what Jack and Shelby said, they were to be Mr Roberts and Miss Sterrett to all of us.

I followed Erik upstairs and leaned against the window frame while he and Joe argued over whose turn it was to clear the dishes after supper. Pa ended the argument as always by stating firmly that all three of us could do it.

Ma called us to the table and Pa said a prayer before we attacked a delicious chicken pot-pie that Hop Sing had made for us. This was a real treat as our old stove could only produce stews. Pa was the first to break the silence with his usual questions about what we had been doing and what we planned to do on Saturday after chores.

Erik was meeting Tess, so I’d give them a wide berth. She was nice enough but she tended to ignore Erik when we were all together and then I’d get it in the neck from him later. We’d had more than one argument about her attention to me. Erik said I flirted with her, but if I did, then I wasn’t aware of it. Joe was secretive about his plans and Pa probed more than my little brother wanted. Eventually Joe admitted that he and two friends were heading for Lake Washoe to fish.

Pa frowned then nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."

All three sons looked up in shock, then I realised what was coming next and smirked. Joe wasn’t going to like it, but then neither was I. Yep, I was right, Pa’s next words confirmed it.

"Your Ma can pack a picnic and we’ll make it a family outing."

"Pa I was meeting Tess." Erik beat me to the objections.

"Tess can come along." Pa replied.

Erik looked at me and scowled.

I was more concerned about my own plans. "I’m meeting a friend too, Pa."

Pa turned his attention to me. "Who?"

Now what did I do; lie or subject myself to a long lecture and no chance of meeting Jack. I foolishly chose what I saw as the easy option.

"Well - I was planning to see Lucy." I hoped that by mentioning a girlfriend, in fact, the girl Pa thought I was interested in, he would back off. I should have known better. Pa never backed off. I chose Lucy because Pa and Ma liked her and her parents. The girl I was really interested in, Ellen, didn’t meet with their approval at all. Her father was always down on his luck and borrowing money and some said stealing it too and her mother had a reputation that wasn’t discussed in polite circles. No, I wasn’t about to mention Ellen. Only Erik knew of my interest in her.

"Perhaps Lucy and her parents would like to picnic with us. You weren’t planning to be alone with her, were you?"

Now I had really dug myself in too deep. If I said we were going to be alone, Pa would lecture and if I said her parents would be there, then he’d likely as not ask Mr and Mrs Winters to a picnic himself. I thought quickly and came up with a plan full of holes but I hoped Pa wouldn’t see through it.

"We were only thinking of sitting on their front porch, Pa." I gave what I hoped was a critical glance at my brothers. "It’s not exactly alone but it is away from little brothers."

For once my luck was in. Pa smiled. "I guess they can be a might trying at times. All right but you make sure that Lucy’s parents are in the house and you mind your manners."

I managed to stop myself sighing with relief and simply grinned at Erik. That was a mistake. It fired him into questioning Pa.

"How come Adam can visit with Lucy but I ain’t allowed to visit with Tess?" He waved a fork at Pa as he spoke.

Pa’s eyes narrowed. "You mind your manners. Adam is older than you. When you are his age then you can visit with a young lady, until then you spend time with the family." He fixed Erik with a firm look. "You’ve been spending far too much time out at the Greene Ranch with Tess."

"Yeah, but Joe is always along and -" Erik’s protest was cut short.

"I’m glad to hear it. You are coming with us and that’s final. You may ask Tess and her mother to join us, but you are not going anywhere else."

Erik settled back in his chair in a sulk but after a few minutes he glared at me and then gave me a look, which I knew well. He was planning something and it wouldn’t be good for me. He had been threatening to get back at me for all the times Tess had deserted him when I was around and now I figured he’d come up with a plan. I’d have to be on my guard tomorrow. What was that saying, ‘Oh what a tangled web we weave -’. Well I sure had woven a web and one wrong word or move and it would unravel right before Pa’s eyes.

My web became even more entangled the next day. I felt obliged to call at Lucy’s house and at least make a pretence of visiting with her. I managed to slip away after an hour saying the family was going fishing. I knew Lucy hated fishing so there was no chance she’d want to accompany me. What I hadn’t reckoned with was being accosted by Ellen as I turned the corner from Lucy’s house.

"Huh, Mr High and Mighty Cartwright doesn’t want to be seen with me then, she accused.

"Now Ellen, that isn’t true." I crossed my fingers as I spoke. I might like her company when we were alone, but to be seen in public too often wasn’t good for my health.

"You told me you were busy today. I can see how busy with Miss Prissy Winters." She almost screamed.

I caught her arm, which was raised in my direction and pulled her into the gap between two houses. She looked up at me in surprise and I kissed her swiftly on the cheek. "Now why would I be interested in Lucy?"

She blushed prettily and her brown eyes twinkled. "Well Erik said you were."

Ahhh - now it became clear, my brother’s revenge. "Well he’s wrong. It’s you I’m interested in, very interested. I pulled her gently into my arms. "I really do have someone to meet -" at her protest I kissed her again this time on the lips. "Mark Caudle and your brother Sam. Is that all right with you?"

She giggled. "So Jack’s teaching you to shoot too, is he? Bet your Pa ain’t too pleased about that either." She adjusted her skirt and patted her dark hair into place as though I had somehow mussed it with my light touch. "I’ll come with you. I was going with Sam anyway but I wanted to -"

"To catch me red-handed." I finished for her, laughing.

"And I did." She pouted.

She was so pretty that I felt the desire to kiss her again, but that was the problem with Ellen, I always wanted more. Not that it seemed to bother Ellen. I, on the other hand, was more mindful of my parents’ teaching and my conscience. I took her hand instead and we walked along in companionable silence until we reached the willows that bordered the river. Jack was already there with Mark and Sam. They had cans set up along an old log and Jack was showing Sam how to re-load real fast. Ellen and I stayed well back and found a soft mossy bank to act as a perfect seat.

Pa just about approved of Mark Caudle as a friend but Sam and Ellen Hartman were from the wrong part of town, if there was such a thing. Their father was lazy and shiftless according to Pa and the Hartman children likewise and undisciplined to boot.

After maybe five minutes Jack turned around and slid his gun back into its holster. "Hey, thought you'd changed your mind. So’d I if I’d found a pretty girl like this." He smiled at Ellen who blushed at the compliment.

I got to my feet. "Sorry I’m a bit late."

Sam eyed me up and down and grinned at his sister. "You keeping him from a man’s work."

Now it was my turn to blush. There it was gain that assumption that carrying a gun and knowing how to use it made you a man. Sam was twirling an old pistol of his father’s in his hand and he had a well-worn holster, which he slipped it into when the display was over.

Jack called me over. "Your turn now. Remember what I told you before about keeping your hand steady. Don’t fuss about speed you want to hit what you aim at first."

I moved up alongside Jack and he handed me a walnut handled gun, not the one he was using but another, slightly smaller. He nodded at me, "It’s a Patterson 36, it’s lighter, thought you might find the balance better."

He was right; the pistol nestled in my hand as though it had been made for me. I remembered Jack’s teaching and checked it first, then loaded it and waited.

Jack stood beside me and nodded. "Go ahead, there are five cans, see if you can hit them."

"Yeah," Mark laughed. "I only managed two but Sam got all five."

Five shots later, my friends were laughing and I was mortified. My nearest shot had entered the log at least two inches below the can, two more were still further off and two had flown into the trees beyond the log. I checked the pistol and turned to hand it back to a smiling Jack.

"Keep it, boy." He grinned at me. "Looks like you could use the practice."

First the ‘boy’ remark made in front of my girl and then the implied insult that I wasn’t as good as my friends made me fume. "I can’t take it," I blurted out unthinking.

"Why not? Your Pa won’t let ya." Sam chuckled.

Again I didn’t think, or rather I thought too fast. "It’s not that." I turned to Jack. "I can’t take an expensive gun and not pay for it."

Jack shrugged. "Okay, so you can owe me, it’s worth maybe ten dollars, let’s say eight and you pay me when you can."

Oh, the temptation! It proved too great. I wanted a pistol and here I was being handed one. I could easily pay for it within a few weeks if I saved my money from the store. It also made me look good to Ellen and my friends and right now that was important. To say my Pa wouldn’t let me have a pistol would have condemned me in their eyes as forever a boy. I nodded and smiled. "It’s a deal, I’ll pay you every Friday until it’s paid off, I promise."

I almost caressed the gun as I carefully put it into my jacket pocket. A holster could come later. "Thanks Jack."

It was only after I had said goodbye to Ellen and my friends that Jack came up to me and slipped a small white box into my hand.

"Ammunition," he confided. "Despite what you said I don’t guess you’ll be walking into Orowitz’s store and buying it."

"Thanks Jack. I’ll pay you for it." I blushed - Jack had seen through my bravado and suddenly the enormity of what I had done hit me. In my pocket I had a pistol and ammunition and I had to go home and explain it to Pa. It was not going to be an easy task.

At the corner of the saloon Jack stopped. "Come in for a beer."

I shook my head. "No, I’d better not. The family will be back from the picnic soon."

Jack gave me a knowing smile and nodded. "Sure, see you tomorrow, maybe."

I watched him enter the building and then turned my thoughts to more important matters - how to come out of the next few hours unscathed or at least still alive.

Luckily there was no one home when I arrived. I sat at the table and considered my position. The more I thought about it the more concerned I became. My stomach had more than light butterflies; these butterflies were wearing boots. I decided that having the pistol on display when Pa came home was a bad idea. Who could tell what mischief my two brothers had gotten into while on a picnic and their behaviour might have put him in a bad mood. No I’d wait for him to be in a good mood then I’d tell him. The word ‘tell’ made me shiver, You didn’t ‘tell’ Pa things, or, at least, if you were a son who valued your life, you didn’t.

If I wasn’t going to present it to him as soon as he arrived I had to find a secure place to hide it until I was ready. Since we had moved into the room we had made a few alterations. I now had a bed built into the side wall with a cupboard underneath where I kept my clothes. It wasn’t totally secure but at least it was unlikely that Ma or Pa would go there. I took a work shirt from the cupboard and wrapped it around the pistol and the ammunition and was about to slip it back on to a shelf when I heard excited voices on the stairs and moments later my youngest brother burst into the room. I hastily dropped the package into the cupboard with no time to cover it further.

"Adam, we -" My little brother stood open mouthed as he caught sight of my guilty expression.

"Do you have to rush everywhere?" I snapped.

"Soorreee -" Joe exaggerated the syllables "Whatcha hidin’"

"Nothing."

Joe shrugged and gave me a grin, which did nothing to make me feel happier.

I heard more footsteps and then Pa’s voice answered by Erik’s. I slid quickly into a chair and by the time Pa, Ma and Erik came into the room I was seated at the table. Apart from a rapidly beating heart and what I’m sure came over as a too innocent expression, no one would have guessed there was anything wrong.

"How was the fishing?" I tried a casual voice but my words sounded hollow to me.

"Good." Pa answered. "We caught enough for our picnic and brought some home." He held up a large string of fish.

"You missed a real good picnic, Adam" Erik had obviously gotten over his snit at being made to go along. "Me and Tess caught most of those."

"You did not, my younger brother protested. "Me and Pa did as good as you and ours were bigger, weren’t they Pa?"

I could see the usual argument was about to take place. Ma put an end to it though.

"It does not matter who caught the most, it matters who cooks them. Erik you will empty the buckboard and put up the horses and Joseph you can fetch more water." She didn’t wait for answers. She started gathering ingredients. After a quick glance at the stove she rounded on me. "And you have been here this afternoon, you could have tended the stove. Fetch me some more wood, please."

Pa just raised an eyebrow in our direction and allowed Ma to issue the orders.

I was only too glad to escape but my younger brothers dawdled. Once outside the room they voiced their objections.

"You bin here all afternoon, you could’ve done the chores." Joe moaned.

"Nah, he ain’t," Erik said. "He’s been sparkin’ Lucy Winters, or did Ellen show up." He smirked.

"You know damn well she did, because you sent her!" I yelled at him.

"Serves you right for tryin’ to spark two girls or is it three, or maybe more," Erik shot back at me. "You’re always flirtin’ with Tess."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Joe sit down on the steps, the water bucket between his knees.

"I do not flirt with Tess, she’s a kid." My emotions had been running high since I had taken the gun from Jack and I was spoiling for a fight. "You’re both just silly kids."

Erik launched himself at me and we fell back against the wall of the storeroom with a thump. I pushed him back and then landed a heavy punch to his middle, not that it affected him much. It had been a few years since I could win in a straight fair fight against my ‘little’ brother. I only came out on top if I used strategy and a few boxing skills, wrestling him was simply not an option. He had a longer reach and outweighed me by more than I cared to consider. The only thing driving me on was my temper. If I’d stopped to think about it I would have never started this. I ducked a wicked right aimed at my stomach and tried to move in closer. We traded a few blows before a voice bellowed from above us.

"Break it up."

It took a second for either of us to register that Pa was standing on the steps above us. Joe had jumped to his feet and headed for the well at Pa’s first footfall and was now well out of the danger area.

"I said, break it up." Pa spoke again, his voice lower and angrier this time as he moved down the steps to the alley.

Erik and I moved apart both wiping at our injuries with grubby hands. Erik had a red mark, which would surely become a black eye and I had blood in my mouth where my lip had been split against my teeth.

"What in heaven’s name is this about." Pa’s voice sounded more normal but he was still as angry. Neither one of us wanted to admit that it wasn’t really about anything important. Erik shifted from one foot to the other and I tried to hide behind my hand and my handkerchief as I mopped ineffectively at my bleeding mouth.

"Well?"

It was clear Pa wasn’t going to wait much longer.

"He started it," I said sharply. Even to myself I sounded like a peeved six- year-old.

"I didn’t, you punched me first."

"You pushed me into the wall."

Pa was having no more of this. "Be quiet both of you. There is no excuse for brothers fighting and you know it. Settle your differences in a civilized manner or I’ll settle them for you."

Pa sure was wound up and Erik and I both figured it was best to listen to the lecture, maintain eye contact as far as we could and say nothing.

"Erik the horses are waiting, see to them now."

My brother was gone with a hasty, "Yes, sir" leaving me to face Pa alone.

"Now, what were you fighting about?" Pa demanded.

I could tell he wasn’t going to let this go lightly, so I decided to admit liability. It was easier than trying to explain why we fought. "I guess I was teasing him too much about Tess. It got out of hand."

Pa nodded and his voice was more reasonable. "You know how sensitive he is about Tess, in fact about any girl. I would have thought you’d have more sense."

I decide in view of my secret I’d better make amends fast. "Yes, sir. I’m sorry. I’ll apologise to him."

Pa grunted. I think my rapid apology took the wind out of his sails and whatever he had been about to say was forgotten. "See that you do and let’s have no more of this nonsense. You’ve got plenty of chores to do."

I moved quickly to the woodpile and began gathering up logs, which I’d split earlier in the day. Pa waited until I had an armful then walked slowly up the stairs ahead of me. I was going to have to tread very carefully for the next few days before I sprung the Paterson on him.

Knowing that the gun was there for me to use made me realise how little time I had to myself. I did morning chores and went to work with Ma and Pa. I ate lunch in the back of the store - again usually with one or other of my parents - and I went home perhaps half an hour before they did to do more chores. I had less freedom than my younger brothers who were let out of school almost two hours before I finished work. They were supposed to be doing homework and chores, but even Pa knew that they slipped away to play more often than not for at least an hour. I did try to get back and sneak the gun out for half an hour’s practice but one of my brothers would be home or by the time I got far enough away for the shots not to cause attention it was time to get back and hide the gun again.

Knowing the gun was there under my bed also gave me sleepless nights. I wasn’t used to keeping things from Pa, especially something this important and it played havoc with my conscience. I let it go on too long and the longer I waited the harder it became. First I waited because Pa was watching me after the fight with Erik. Then I waited because Pa was tired after a couple of particularly trying days at the store. Then I waited because Pa was mad with Joe. In fact he was more than mad at him.

Joe had disappeared after school one day with some friends and they had forgotten the passing of time until the light began to fade. By the time they made it back from the mountains it was dark and Pa had gone looking for him. My little brother didn’t sit comfortably that night and that made me even more aware of Pa’s temper when one of us disobeyed him.

Two weeks passed without me saying a word. The Paterson remained, for the most part, hidden under my bed. I knew things couldn’t go on this way but I didn’t know how to end it. In the end I didn’t need to confess. Pa always says your sins will come back at you and in this case mine were about to find me out in the worst way possible.

It had been a hard day at the store and we were all tired. Pa, Ma and I walked home together for once and I half joked that I hoped my brothers had done the chores. Erik was indeed in the yard splitting kindling but Joe was nowhere to be seen.

"Where’s your brother?" Pa asked as he put a foot on the bottom step.

Erik stopped what he was doing and leaned on the axe. "Upstairs, said he was gonna set the table."

Pa raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment.

"Adam bring some water, please." Ma’s request came as she started up the stairs behind Pa.

I nodded and turned away to the well behind the storeroom. I filled the water bucket quickly and was not that far behind Ma and Pa when I heard Pa gasp.

"Put that down on the table, son." Pa’s voice was calm but urgent.

What had my little brother gotten hold of now! I reached the top step. Ma’s face was as white as a sheet. I peered over her shoulder and what I saw made me quake. My little brother was just laying my pistol down on the table, his face almost as white as Ma’s. I had a sick feeling deep in my stomach and I wanted to turn and run, but Erik was right behind me and I heard him give a low whistle.

Pa moved into the room and he got real close to Joe. "What on earth do you think you are doing?" he rumbled.

Joe appeared terrified and couldn’t answer. His eyes flicked to Ma and then to me. I could only see Pa’s back but I knew he couldn’t have missed Joe’s obvious appeal to me.

"Do I have to repeat myself?" Pa was getting angrier by the minute.

"Nooo - sir," Joe stammered. "I was just lookin’ at it."

"Where did you find it?"

Pa’s voice got lower and I prayed. We’d try to cover for each other but I knew Joe had no way of covering this unless he lied and much as we might love each other that was something we’d never do even for a brother.

"Under - there." Joe pointed at my bed and I knew I was dead.

Pa’s back was rigid but I saw him nod. "How many times have you been told not to touch other peoples things? You could have been killed or have killed one of us."

For a moment I felt sorry for my little brother, Pa was sure angry.

He spun around and glared at me. "What in heaven’s name were you thinking of? Putting something so dangerous where your brother could find it."

"He shouldn’t have been in my things," I defended.

Pa drew in a breath and I could see that his anger was now barely under control. "No, he shouldn’t and we’ll get to that. But his actions don’t excuse you."

Now that Pa’s anger was directed full force at me, protecting Joe didn’t seem as important as protecting my own skin.

My voice came out as a croak. "It isn’t loaded."

Pa pointed a finger menacingly. "And that is supposed to make it all right is it?"

I swallowed several lumps that had come into my throat before answering, "N . . . no, sir."

Pa seemed suddenly to become aware of Ma and Erik behind him and his manner changed a little. "Marie would you take Erik and Joseph over to the Orowitz’s and visit for a while. I’ll talk to Joseph later, right now I have a few things to discuss with our eldest son."

Ma looked from Pa to me and it wasn’t a flattering look she gave me. Erik did the same but his glance to me was sympathetic. Joe edged past me nervously and avoided looking at me at all.

The silence after they left was oppressive. Pa stood beside the table and he lifted the pistol with his right hand and studied it, then put it back on the table. I backed up against the wall by the door and waited. I suppose I was breathing but it sure didn’t feel like it.

He looked up slowly and nailed me to the wall with his eyes. "Where did you get it?"

I opened my mouth but no sound came out at first. "Uh - I - I bought it." I finally croaked.

"You bought it? You bought a Paterson Colt out of your wages?"

Even in my state of mind I was a little surprised that Pa could identify the pistol so easily. "Uh, no, not exactly -" I tried to think how to explain my arrangement with Jack.

"Not exactly. Just how do you ‘not exactly’ buy something?" Pa interrupted my thought process with a sharp question.

Things were going downhill rapidly and I could tell from Pa’s expression I’d better make the story good and fast.

"I’m paying for it, so much a week. It’ll be paid for in about a month."

Pa nodded and pursed his lips. "And just how long were you planning to keep this," he pointed at the pistol, "from me."

Uh oh. "I was waiting for a good moment." I offered, hoping the truth would assuage some of his anger.

"You were waiting for a good moment. And when did you think there would be a good time to tell me that you had disobeyed me and brought a pistol into the house and hidden it where your little brother could get his hands on it? Next week, next month or after he had shot himself or someone else?"

Pa’s temper could be formidable and it was in full flow now. I could only wait and hope he would cool off. I couldn’t avoid a lecture and I had to admit I probably deserved it but he wouldn’t do more, would he? I was almost twenty years old and too old for a tanning or at least that’s what I thought. Right about now I was beginning to wonder if Pa held the same opinion. I’d better tread carefully. Unfortunately, my caution didn’t last long. I started to feel the injustice of being blamed for Joe’s transgressions as well as my own, not that mine were transgressions to my way of thinking. Before I could foolishly give a smart response Pa was off again.

"And just where did you buy this pistol? Certainly not from Eli or Frenchy for that matter. Both of them know how I feel about carrying a handgun."

Then Pa’s eyes narrowed and he fixed me with a glare that I couldn’t take. I tried to look him in the eye but I couldn’t.

"You got this from Jack Roberts, didn't you?" It wasn’t really a question. He knew from the flush that rose up my neck to turn my cheeks bright red that he had found the right answer. "You’ve been spending time with him against my express instructions and he's been teaching you to use this." He flung out a hand that almost sent the pistol spinning from the table to the floor.

Caution went, common sense went and all my self-preservation instincts deserted me as my temper flared as hot as Pa’s. "Yes, I've been spending time with Jack!" I yelled at him. "He treats me like a man."

Pa moved toward me, his right hand outstretched, and I was sure he was about to strike me. I tried to move back but I was already pressed against the wall.

The thought had obviously crossed his mind too. "I ought to take a strap to you," he thundered.

I had nowhere to go but I tried to shrink into the wall.

When he was about six inches from me, he stopped and his right index finger jabbed my shoulder.

"If you were a man, I’d treat you like one. A man doesn't hide things or lie and try to dodge the consequences of his actions. A man is responsible for what he does. A man wouldn’t put a child in danger to save his own skin."

Each sentence was punctuated with another jab at my shoulder. I was beginning to get up the courage for another attempt at a defence when he turned away abruptly and walked back to the table. He picked up the pistol and held it out butt first to me. "You are going to return this to Jack."

I opened my mouth to protest. "No - I paid -" I got no further.

"Be quiet!" The words came out in a bark. "You will listen and you will obey me. Did you also ‘sort of buy’ ammunition for it?"

I nodded, no longer trusting my voice. He handed me the pistol and I balanced it lightly in my hand. Pa noticed the easy action and his lips thinned and his eyes blazed again.

"Fetch it." he ordered.

Years of obedience to that tone of his voice made me do as he asked without hesitation. In the past, ignoring that tone had always led to a tanning. I nervously bent down to the cupboard and sought out the box. Standing in front of him with pistol in one hand and the ammunition box in the other my attempt at being a man in his eyes finally failed. I was fourteen again.

He pointed at the door. "We will return them now."

I’m not sure what expression was on my face but I do know my jaw dropped open in shock. He couldn’t mean it. He couldn’t intend that he would accompany me to Jack. The humiliation of returning it at all was bad enough but to have my father watch over me while I followed his orders was too much. I half turned, torn between obeying and wanting to argue.

"I can return it by myself," I said quietly, all fight gone from me.

Pa nodded. "I’m sure you can and you will, if you know what’s good for you, but I want a few words with Mr Roberts."

I closed my eyes and wished the earth would swallow me up. Nothing could be worse, nothing.

We found Jack in the saloon and Pa quietly asked him if he would come outside to talk. Jack raised an eyebrow at me then swallowed his whisky in one gulp and complied.

"Problem, Ben?" he asked when we were on the sidewalk.

Pa nodded. It was obvious that he was only barely in control.

"Adam has something of yours to return to you."

Jack turned to me and waited.

I held out the gun and the ammunition. "I can’t keep them, Jack -" I felt Pa stiffen beside me and I corrected myself, "- er - Mr Roberts. I’d be obliged if you would take them back and I thank you."

"And I’d be obliged if you would stay away from my son," Pa added.

Jack glanced at Pa and then took the pistol and ammunition box. "I figured Adam was old enough to make his own decisions. Guess you think different, huh, Ben?"

"I do not want my son being shown how to kill, Jack and that -" he pointed at the pistol, " - is what those are made to do."

Jack reached into his pocket and drew out a wad of bills. He counted off several and handed them to me. "Here’s your money, Adam. Sorry it didn’t work out, but I wouldn’t want you to go against your Pa."

I took the notes with my eyes downcast and muttered a thank you. I had never felt so humiliated in my life. How could Pa do this to me.?

Neither of us spoke as we walked back to the rooms. When we reached the store Pa stuck his head around the door and let Ma know that we were going home for supper. Erik and Joe both tried to catch my eye to find out what had happened but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Supper was almost silent. The occasional remark such as ‘pass the bread, please’ was all that was uttered. When the meal was finished, Pa asked Erik and me to do the dishes and he took Joe for a walk to talk to him. Ma sat down in her rocker to sew and we were left to the chores.

"So what did Pa say?" Erik whispered almost as soon as Ma was out of earshot.

"Nothing you need to hear." I muttered under my breath. "It’s not your concern."

"I figure if you and Pa ain’t talkin’ and I gotta suffer then it is my concern," Erik whispered back.

"If little brothers would stay out of my business then there wouldn’t be a problem." I rinsed the last plate and wiped my hands on a towel. "Leave me alone."

Erik shrugged and carried on drying dishes. "Guess you are better left alone at that."

I picked up my jacket. I considered just leaving without speaking but Ma looked up from her sewing and I knew I’d have to say something.

"I’m going for a walk." I said, quietly. It was a statement, not a question.

"I think you should wait until your father returns." She jabbed her needle into the fabric and then looked up again. "He may have other things for you to do."

"I’ve done all my chores." My patience was in limited supply. All I wanted to do was get out of this room and away from prying eyes.

"I know you have, but you will wait." Her tone suggested she would not put up with any argument so in the interests of peace and my hide I sat down to wait.

Pa and Joe came back maybe five minutes later and my little brother was almost as subdued as I was. Pa gave him a nudge in my direction and Joe glanced up at him, before coming to stand in front of me.

"I’m sorry I touched your things, Adam. I won’t do it again."

My little brother was as embarrassed as I was and I gave him a hurried nod as I answered. "Apology accepted, Joe."

I got up and moved toward the door only to be stopped by Pa’s voice.

"Where do you think you’re going?"

I didn’t turn which with hindsight was probably a mistake. "For a walk." My answer was abrupt and even to my ears sounded disrespectful.

Pa was beside me in an instant. "If you think you are going anywhere near that saloon, you can forget it."

I turned and my expression was just short of insolent as I questioned him. "Are you forbidding me from going out?"

"If you want to put it that way, yes, I am. I don’t think that you can be trusted to stay away from certain people and places."

Pa spoke calmly but I could see he meant what he said. If he had set out to hurt me he couldn’t’ have found a better way. To be told that he didn’t trust me was the harshest thing he could have said. Trust between us was something we had built over the years and certainly in recent years Pa had never had reason to doubt me or I him. I slumped down into a chair and silently admitted defeat.

For the rest of the evening I sat staring at the walls or the tabletop. If I caught anyone’s eye I looked away. I wasn’t about to concede it yet, but I was ashamed. I had let Pa down and I knew it. As soon as Joe and Erik headed for bed, I did the same and opened my book. I didn’t read a word. I watched as Pa went over and sat on Joe’s bed to say goodnight. They talked for a few minutes before Pa stood up and tucked the blanket around my little brother. I waited. Never had I gone to sleep with out at least a ‘goodnight’ from Pa. No matter how bad I had been as a child he had always made sure that things were right between us before I slept. But I wasn’t a child anymore and the gulf between us tonight was wider than any I could remember.

Ma had gone behind the curtain that separated our parents’ bed from ours and Pa moved over to the table and poured himself a final cup of coffee. Soon I could hear Erik’s snores and I guessed Joe was asleep too. The tension in the room was visible. I didn’t want to put down my book and turn out the lamp. I wanted Pa to come and tell me I was forgiven. I held my breath as he finally got to his feet again. He doused the lamp on the table leaving the room lit only by the glow from my small light. He walked over to me and stood looking down at me.

"Could you put the book down for a moment. I’d like to talk."

I almost sighed with relief as I set the book aside. He perched himself on the edge of my bed and I instinctively moved over to give him room.

"Do you understand why I was so angry with you today?" he asked.

"Because Joe could’ve been hurt." I answered quickly.

He shook his head. "That is only part of it. Yes Joe could have been hurt but he shouldn’t have been in amongst your things. I was angry because you had betrayed my trust in you."

He stopped talking for a minute and surveyed me with those all-seeing eyes. I couldn’t meet his gaze and looked down at the quilt, moving my hand restlessly across it.

"I thought the time had passed when you would disobey me and then hide the evidence. I thought there was nothing we couldn’t discuss reasonably as adults."

I looked up again and began to protest. "But, Pa. I knew we would disagree. You don’t understand how -"

He held up a hand to stop me. "Adam, believe me, I do understand. You want to be like your friends. You want to stand on your own feet. But rejecting advice from those who are older is no way to do it."

"Jack’s older," I countered.

"Yes, Jack is older."

I noted that he no longer referred to Jack as Mr Roberts and I relaxed a little.

"Jack is older. But do you really want to be like Jack. He has no roots, no real trade and he makes a living out of others misery."

I couldn’t see that Jack was miserable or that he was making others miserable. Everyone at the saloon seemed to have a great time.

Pa must have noted my disbelief as he continued. "Yes, in the long run many of his customers will be miserable. They will spend the money they have for food on whisky or cards. Their families will go hungry because of it." He must have read my mind because he anticipated my next objection. "Yes, they have a choice, but after a few drinks they will no longer see it as a choice. The gambling and the drink become addictive, they get into your blood. I don’t want that for you."

"It isn’t like that," I protested again. "I only have a couple of beers and maybe a quick game of poker with Jack and Sam and some others."

He raised his eyebrows and I realised I had just confessed to something he had not known for sure. Pa has a way of doing that to me. I’ve been telling him for years, by accident, about things I’ve done against his wishes.

"If you mix with people like the Hartmans and Mark Caudle it will become a habit and habits like that are hard to break, son."

"You don’t want me to have any friends. You just expect me to work all the time," I retorted, angrily.

Pa slowly shook his head. "You know that’s not true. There are plenty of young people who work hard and have a good social life too. You used to be friends with Andy Weston and Paul King and what about Lucy?"

I pouted. "They’re boring -"

"Boring? Or is it that they are safe friends that your mother and I approve? Is it that the element of risk associated with Sam is exciting." He fixed me with another look. "And is Ellen more exciting than Lucy."

I felt myself blush and I looked away.

"Girls like that are trouble, son."

"It’s not like that, Pa. We just take walks and talk." I defended myself.

Pa nodded. "But you do it alone."

There was no answer to that and in my heart of hearts I knew Pa was right. Ellen was more exciting she promised more than a quiet chat on a porch seat with her parents in the background.

"Adam, growing up isn’t easy. You will make mistakes and my job is to guide you so that those mistakes aren’t ones that will ruin your life. I can’t be at your shoulder every minute of every day and it is right that you make decisions and take the steps to manhood on your own. But for both our sakes make those steps small ones and listen to those who are older and wiser. We have been through the same process and sometimes we learned the hard way. We do understand."

I nodded. "I’ll try, Pa." I knew he was right and I wanted his approval. "Am I still forbidden to go out?" My voice shook a little.

"Do I need to do that, or can I trust you?"

I took a deep breath. "Yes, sir, you can trust me."

He got up from the bed and he was smiling now. "That’s all I ask, son. Goodnight, sleep well.

"Night, Pa." I turned over and carefully extinguished the lamp, but I lay awake for a long time thinking about what he had said. I finally vowed to myself that I would try to avoid Mark and Sam for a while but giving up Ellen was going to be more difficult. I wouldn’t miss the poker games but a cold beer on a hot day was a reward for working hard and I couldn’t see the harm in just one. Having met Pa halfway, I felt I had justified my future actions and I turned over and promptly fell asleep.

At first I was real good and I only went into the saloon about once a week and I avoided Sam and Mark altogether. I still saw Ellen but only when I was sure neither Pa nor Ma would know. Somehow to my twisted way of thinking this was all right I was still keeping my word to Pa. Mark ignored me but Sam would tease whenever he saw me and slowly the taunting got through to me. I began to resent Pa's edict. There was nothing I could do about the pistol but I did increase my visits to the saloon and spent my free time with Ellen and Sam a great deal more than I should have.

It was on one hot Saturday afternoon that my web began to unravel for the second time. Once again it was my youngest brother who proved to be the catalyst. Sam, Ellen and I had gone down to Sand Cove to swim. This I knew was against all my parents teaching and there was no way I could make excuses for myself. We had stripped down to our underwear and, despite Ellen’s laughing comment that Sam and I should turn our backs while she undressed, it didn’t alter the fact that once in the water she was revealing far more than was decent. We dried off in the sunshine and Ellen did cover herself with her brother’s shirt once we were out of the water. She still looked very desirable to me and after watching our covert glances for a while, Sam took the hint and wandered off. We did no more than kiss and cuddle up to keep warm once the sun began to fade but that didn’t change the fact that I should not have been there with her at all.

I arrived home to do my chores in plenty of time but there was no sign of my brothers. I checked upstairs and there was a note from Pa to say that he and Ma had gone visiting with Mr and Mrs Orowitz but would be back for supper. I chopped wood, split kindling, carried water upstairs and set the table and still there was no sign of my brothers. I started down the stairs only to meet Erik coming up.

"Where’ve you been? It’s way past time for chores. I’ve done all of them." I stormed at him.

He shrugged, unconcerned. "Makes up for all the times we’ve done yours."

I didn’t want to get into an argument so I ignored his jibe and let him pass me on the stairs. "And where’s Joe?"

"Gone fishin’ with his buddies," Erik offered as he took the steps two at a time, no doubt anxious to see what was for supper.

"I’ll go find him." I yelled back. "Ma and Pa are out."

I continued down the stairs and across the yard and then headed for the stream. What I saw when I arrived made me gasp. Four small boys soaked to the skin were dragging a ramshackle canoe from the water.

I grabbed my little brother by the collar and hauled him around to face me. "What on earth have you been doing?"

Joe grinned, his face alight with excitement. "We ran the white water down to the lake."

I followed him as he helped drag the canoe well clear of the water and hide it in the brush. "You what?" The rapids between the mountains and the lake were wild and Pa had told us all more than once to stay clear of them for swimming or fishing.

"We ran the rapids," he repeated with a self-satisfied grin on his face. It was obvious he was immensely proud of the fact.

"Pa will have your hide." I had my own smug smile.

"No he won’t. He won’t know." Joe’s grin grew wider.

By now we had started walking back toward the town. I frowned at him. "Joe it’s dangerous and I can’t hide it from Pa."

"Yes you can," he assured me, still smiling.

Something was going on here that I hadn’t yet caught on to. If I told Pa what my little brother had been doing, then Joe was in for a tanning without a doubt. So why was he so cheerful and so sure he was safe.

"Oh, and what makes you think I’m gonna cover for you?"

"’Cos if you don’t then I ain’t coverin’ for you." He giggled. "After we got to the lake we paddled the canoe along by Sand Cove."

I stopped walking and for a minute my heart stopped beating. He couldn’t have seen us; we’d have heard them. "Nothing to cover for." I bluffed.

Joe giggled again. "Oh, you reckon Pa and Mr Hartman won’t mind you and Ellen skinny dipping on your own then."

I moved toward him threateningly but he backed away laughing.

"We were not skinny dipping. We had clothes on. And Sam was there so we weren’t alone."

"Okay, so you were in your underneath things and so was Ellen. An’ all that kissy stuff too. Sam wasn’t there then. I saw you."

I considered whether to continue my bluff but it was clear that my little brother had seen far more than was comfortable. My only hope was to go along with his little blackmail scheme. "You say nothing." I fixed him with my best big brother stare.

Joe shrugged. "I won’t if you don’t."

Somehow I knew this was only the start of his demands, but I couldn’t help myself. If Pa found out about Ellen, Joe wouldn’t be the only one worrying about a strap.

My prophecy came true a few days later. Erik had come home talking about a poster he had seen in town.

"It said there was a fair of some kind, Pa. And a horse sale and stalls and everything." Erik was excited by the prospect of any kind of event. We all were. Little happened in Eagle Station to amuse us.

"And just where is this fair?" Pa asked.

"A town called Dayton on Saturday. Frenchy said - I mean Mr. Devereaux - " Erik corrected himself quickly at Pa’s frown. "He said it ain’t far, just up the valley a piece."

"Can we go, Pa?" This was Joe asking. Erik’s excitement was infectious.

Pa shook his head. "I have to work and it’s too far for you to go on your own. And even if it weren’t, horse fairs attract all sorts of undesirable characters."

"Oh, Pa, puhleese?" Joe tried again and looked hopefully at Ma too.

If he had hoped for support there he was unlucky.

"Your Papa has said no, little one. It is too dangerous for you to go all that way." Ma rested her hand on Joe’s but he snatched it away earning himself a frown from Pa.

"I said no and I meant it, Joseph." Pa was firm and even Joe knew better than to argue.

For the rest of the meal, Erik and Joe sulked and I avoided looking at them, knowing that an appeal to me was going to be made once we were out of earshot of Ma and Pa. I was right, no sooner had we done the dishes than Erik suggested we go out into the yard for a game. We had several crazy games we had devised which required little or no equipment, had no rules and required maximum energy.

Once outside we played for maybe half an hour before Erik sank down on the steps maintaining he was tired. Joe and I gratefully gave in and joined him.

"Aaadaaam!" My middle brother drew out my name into the longest of syllables and I knew what was coming.

"If'n you was to come with us to the horse fair maybe Pa would say yes."

Joe immediately revived and sat up straighter. "Yeah, you could ask him. He’d let you go and we could go too."

"If I ask and Pa says yes, you gotta promise to do as I say," I challenged.

"Sure." They both answered far too quickly. I should have known then to be on my guard.

Getting Pa to agree took a bit of persuasive power but finally he said yes. His conditions for giving permission would have filled a book. His lecture before we left was equally long but the three of us listened, albeit with growing irritation. Finally, we were on our way.

Joe rode double with me to begin with but when we met up with my friends about two miles from town I suggested he swap over and rode with Erik. He gave me a smug grin and agreed just a little too readily.

Joe’s first demand was for candy. As usual he had no money, so I treated him hoping it would be his only request of the day. I was wrong. We stayed together for an hour or so while we looked at stalls and then at the horses for sale. Joe and Erik wanted to stay and watch the sale but Ellen wanted to go back and look at some more of the stalls and sideshows. I was torn between the two.

"Go on, Adam. We’ll be fine," Erik urged.

Joe sidled up to me with a smug grin on his face. "Yeah, we’ll be fine." Then as an after thought, which I knew it wasn’t, he added, "Course we’ll need some money for lunch and maybe a few sideshows and stuff."

"You’re not getting any more money out of me. You should save your own - " I said firmly. Joe just smiled up at me and then slid his eyes across to Ellen. I knew I had just lost again.

"Oh, alright." I fished into my pocket and slapped a few coins into his outstretched hand. He didn’t retract it. I sighed and pulled a note from my wallet. "That’s it."

"Gee thanks, Adam." Erik grinned in gratitude.

Joe just looked up at me with a knowing smile and I could have killed him there and then. He knew I had no choice. If he demanded more I’d probably have to pay up or risk the consequences and he knew it, but for now he was satisfied.

"Don’t get in any trouble," I called after them more in hope than expectation. Ellen and I wandered around the fair for several hours. We held hands and talked and I know I was showing off. I won a rag doll for her on a ‘try your strength’ machine and a bag of candy on a ring toss game. Then we met up with Sam and Mark again. I could tell that they had been drinking and was relieved that I hadn’t been with them. Sam was drunk but Mark didn’t seem so badly affected. We went to see a magic show and Sam dozed through most of it and woke up belligerent.

"C’mon buddy, let’s get you some coffee," Mark suggested.

We found a stall and Mark bought coffee for all of us. We stood drinking it and I drifted off in thoughts of my brothers. I wondered where they were and if they had seen the magician. Joe would be fascinated by all the tricks. I was drawn from my thoughts by a tug on my sleeve.

"You could win another prize for me, couldn’t you, Adam," Ellen was saying.

Not really aware of what they had been discussing, I simply agreed. "I can try. What at this time?"

"Over there." She pointed and to my horror I saw that the object of her attention was a shooting gallery. "Bet you can out shoot Mark with a rifle." She challenged me.

What could I say. To refuse would be to admit that I wasn’t as good a shot as Mark and he had been flirting with her all day. My pride was at stake. I hesitated for a second but any reservations I may have had were pushed away by the sight of my two brothers approaching and Mark’s smug expression.

"What’s’a matter, Adam, not up to it?" Sam sneered.

I almost snatched at the rifle and took aim. I had no trouble hitting the three targets and then handed the rifle to Mark. He grinned and took his turn, and took out all three targets.

"Guess, you were up to it." He grinned at me.

Erik and Joe also congratulated me. For once they didn’t seem to have gotten into any trouble. It had cost me a few dollars but it had been a good day. Suddenly I felt myself elbowed aside.

"My turn now." Sam clumsily picked up the rifle.

Mark glanced at me and then moved closer to Sam and spoke quietly to him. "Leave it, Sam. You’re too drunk to hit a barn door."

Sam shrugged him off and waved the gun wildly. "I can out shoot you any day and him," he said, jabbing the rifle butt in my direction.

He took aim and fired. His hand was shaking so much that the bullet went wide of its mark and buried itself in the backboard. The second and third shots went the same way.

Mark grinned. "C’mon buddy, its time we were heading home, " he said as he took the bag of candy and offered it to Joe.

The stallholder was handing me a bag of candy, which I immediately gave to Ellen much to Erik’s disgust. "Yeah, we ought to be going too." I heard Joe groan but my attention was drawn away from him by a commotion behind me.

"It’s fixed," I heard Sam say. "That rifle ain’t the same one you two used."

Mark raised an eyebrow at me then moved closer to Sam. "He’s got lots of rifles, it’s just chance which one you use."

"I say that barrel was bent. He don’t wanna hand out no more prizes." Sam reached across the bench and grabbed the stallholder’s sleeve. "You give me my money back or you’ll be sorry."

Mark was nearer than I and he tried to pull Sam away. "C’mon, we don’t want no trouble."

Sam let go of the stallholder and swung around, almost falling over in the process. "You two got your prize." He sneered. "Neither of you can shoot as good as me." He pointed at my hip, "He don’t even wear a gun. Ain’t no man if you don’t carry a pistol. Let go of my sister, don’t want no milksop touching her. She wants a real man."

My temper was rising and I was about to enter the argument when Mark shook his head. "Leave it, Adam. He’s too drunk to know what he’s saying."

Ellen gripped my arm tightly and nodded in agreement. "Let’s go home."

"I ain’t too drunk to know you’re both yaller." He pulled out of Mark’s grasp and stepped back a little. "He ain’t got a gun but you have, Caudle. Let’s see how fast you are with it?"

Things happened so fast that I was never sure exactly what occurred. I saw Sam reach for his pistol and heard two shots, a scream and a groan. Sam slumped to the ground with blood pouring from a chest wound. It was as if everything went into slow motion for a time and then frantic activity.

Ellen ran to her brother and as she let go of me, I half turned to see Mark standing there clutching his left arm with his right hand which also held his pistol. Blood was seeping between his fingers. Joe had his face buried in Erik’s shirtfront and my middle brother’s face was as white as a sheet, his jaw slack and his eyes unbelieving.

I don’t know how long I stood there, it seemed like hours but in reality could only have been seconds. When I came out of my trance I knelt beside Ellen. She had tried to staunch the bleeding and her pale lemon dress was now red. I saw blood coming from Sam’s mouth and I leaned closer. There was a strange sound from him then silence. I had seen dead people before and somehow I knew Sam was no longer with us. I tried to tell Ellen but as she looked at me I saw that she already knew. Her eyes filled with tears and she fell against me. I hugged her close and looked up at Mark. The stallholder had come out from behind his bench and had taken the pistol from Mark’s nerveless fingers. My friend’s face showed horror and remorse.

"He’s gone, Mark," I said softly.

"Oh, God, I didn’t mean to kill him. I had no choice. You see that don’t you. He left me no choice." Mark cried, tears slipping down his cheeks.

I didn’t know what to think. I was in shock. One friend was dead, another needed medical attention and what - sympathy and support, or condemnation?

A woman from the crowd which had gathered dressed Mark’s arm. Dayton had no lawman, but the town’s mayor spoke to the stallholder and Mark and I and agreed that Mark had fired in self-defence. We were free to go home. Two of the local men helped me wrap Sam’s body in his saddle blanket and tie it to his horse. I could never have done it alone. Erik took care of Joe and Ellen but I’ll never know how we made it through those hours.

The journey home was slow and silent. Ellen rode close to me and Joe refused to ride anywhere but behind my saddle no matter how much Erik coaxed. Mark brought up the rear as if trying to distance himself from us. He was unsure of his reception, even though Ellen had not once blamed him.

As we rode I tried to get my head around what had happened and the nearer we got to home the more confused I felt. The others had allowed me to take the lead. Mark and Ellen were too shocked to function properly and my brothers far too young. Someone would have to tell Sam’s parents, please don’t let it be me. I longed to hand it all over to someone else - to Pa.

It was almost dark when we rode into the main street of Eagle Station and my first thought was for how worried Ma and Pa would be. There were only a few people about but as soon as the blanket-draped body was spotted a crowd began to gather and followed us to the livery, where I dismounted. I heard whispers of "who is it?" and "what happened?" but I ignored them.

Ellen clung to me until she saw her father in the crowd and then she ran to him screaming Sam’s name.

Mr Hartman approached the horse and lifted the blanket. In the dim light it was hard to tell what he was thinking. He hugged Ellen and turned to me. "What happened, boy?"

I could see Mark out of the corner of my eye. He was searching for his own father in the crowd and trying to keep out of Hartman’s sight. There was no one to help me.

"I - It was - I mean he was -" the words wouldn’t come. I wanted Pa.

Then he was there. He hugged Erik and Joe and looked at me with questioning eyes. "Are you alright, son?" He said softly.

I nodded. "It’s Sam. He’s dead. Shot." I managed to get out.

Hours later when the Hartman’s had gone home to grieve and the crowd had dispersed, I sat on our steps staring into the darkness. My brothers were in bed, but I doubted they would sleep much. Ma was still sitting by Joe’s side, singing softly and stroking his hair to reassure him. I certainly couldn’t sleep. I kept going over the events in my mind - could I have done something - should I have done something?

I felt a hand on my shoulder and Pa came to sit beside me on the steps.

"Would it help to talk?" he said, quietly. There was no anger there only compassion and comfort.

I looked at him briefly and then dropped my gaze to the dirt of the yard. "I don’t know," I answered, honestly. "I’m not even really sure I know what happened. One minute we were laughing and joking and the next Sam was drawing a gun on Mark."

"They didn’t argue?" Pa asked.

I shook my head. "Not really. Sam was drunk and he started an argument with the fella running the shooting gallery - "

I stopped as I felt Pa’s eyes on me. He now knew we had been drinking and using guns, neither likely to meet with his approval. He nodded for me to continue but his earlier benign expression had hardened into something I couldn’t read.

"Mark tried to stop him and then he turned on us. He said we were cowards and then something about how fast Mark was with a gun. Then everything is a blur. I think Sam fired first but -"

"But he was too drunk to aim straight," Pa finished for me.

"Mark didn’t mean to kill him. He had no choice, he had to fire back or Sam would have killed him." Somehow I had become an advocate for Mark. It was important that no blame attached to my friend. "You understand that, don’t you, Pa. There was nothing we could have done."

Pa nodded, but I had a feeling he wasn’t really agreeing with me. "Maybe there was nothing you could have done once Sam pulled the gun, but how about before that?"

I looked at him blankly. What did he mean?

"Once we start down a road we commit ourselves to certain things, leave ourselves open to certain actions, make events more likely to develop in a certain way. The further you travel down that road the harder it gets to take a side road or to turn around. You all went too far down the road until there were no more turnings."

I swear Pa talks in riddles sometime. I couldn’t see what he was saying or maybe I just didn’t want to. "What do you mean, Pa? What could we have done?"

He raised an eyebrow. "How far back along the road did you first make a decision that you knew was wrong?"

"Uh!" I grunted, still not willing to follow his line of thought.

He shifted on the step until he was facing me. "Was it when you had your first drink in the saloon? Or took that pistol from Jack, or maybe when you decided to spend time with Sam against my wishes?"

I avoided his eyes and stared at the ground once more.

"Or perhaps it was when you let Sam get drunk."

"We couldn’t stop him," I protested. "I wasn’t drunk and neither was Mark."

"Why do you think Mark killed Sam?"

Again I was at a loss to understand what he was getting at. "Because Sam drew on him."

"No, Mark killed Sam because they were wearing pistols. And it happened the way it did because Sam was the one who got drunk and not Mark. If you had been drunk and wearing a pistol, it might be you lying dead, or maybe facing a murder charge."

He caught me by the shoulder and made me turn toward him. "Think, Adam. Think what could have happened. Now do you understand why I don’t want you to wear a side arm?"

I’m not sure whether I truly didn’t believe him or didn’t want to, but I couldn’t accept that the odd beer and wearing a pistol had caused Sam’s death.

Pa could see I wasn’t buying it. "Adam, wearing a gun is a serious responsibility. I don’t think you are mature enough to handle it and until you are you will simply have to abide by my rules. Wearing a pistol doesn’t make you a man. You have to become a man first then the decision will be yours."

"But I don’t -" I started.

Pa got to his feet and I followed suit. "No you don’t, you’re right there. You will obey me in this. Is that clear?"

I wanted to argue but the events of the day had taken the fight out of me and I simply nodded. "Yes, sir."

*****

We had settled it as Pa put it, but only because I hadn’t fought him. Here I was a year older and still no nearer to convincing Pa that I was man enough to own a pistol. My thoughts had not progressed much further when Carlos rode up with a wounded man slung across a horse and all thoughts of guns and birthdays were forgotten.

Our wounded guest turned out to be as mysterious and exciting as Jack had seemed a year ago and I found myself going down that same road. First spending time with him - then his offer to show me how to shoot. His pistol was much finer than the Paterson but my aim had not improved. Pa’s reaction was no different either. He made his displeasure quite clear in front of Carlos and my brothers and then took me to task privately. Our talk was interrupted by the arrival of some of our neighbors who had formed a vigilante group. Not that it stopped Pa. He simply resumed the lecture once they had gone.

It took a few more days and the violent death of a neighbor for me to comprehend what Pa had meant. A pistol could kill, I had seen that, but what I had failed to understand was that the weapon was the instrument. It was the man that owned it that determined how it was used.

A man needed to learn how to control his anger before he could learn how to control a gun. It would be several months - and a tragic incident where I was forced to take a life - before I would fully come to terms with what owning a gun really meant.

Then I would become a man.

The End