Rich Cashem sat in the boiler room thinking just how much his life had changed in the last 48 hours. Just 2 days prior, he had been the world renowned Fencing Butler, Rich Cashem. The kids loved him, the parents respected him. Mayor Mc'Bay had even had a sculpture of Rich placed in the center of Spoon Park, to commemorate his great deeds. None of that mattered anymore...
He had been framed for robbing The Bank. As he again watched footage from the robbery, he cursed Shuma Gorath. It was a great disguise....fake mustache and a fencing sword. Had Rich actually had a mustache, one couldn't have told the 2 apart. Disgusted, Rich crammed another heaping spoonful of quivering mashed potatoes down his gullet. As the tape neared it's end, Shuma leaving the bank....bag full of money in hand, Shuma shouted, "I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It is because of this, I will rob all the banks of the world to enslave those whom I once protected."
That was all it had took...cops were after him, the kids hated him, and parents didn't want him fucking their 11 year old daughters anymore. At least he still had food. No one could take that away from him. As Rich finished off his 3rd mushroom soup burger, he slithered over to finish off the last bit of hormel chili. DAMNIT, why hadn't he made the connection earlier? Shuma Gorath couldn't have came up w/this plan on his own. He was simply an octopus from Dimension X who enjoyed robbing banks....not exactly an improvisor of brilliant plans.
Amanda Cochran...Who else could have hated Rich Cashem enuff to help his arch nemesis Shuma Gorath ruin his reputation?
Ah, Amanda Cochran....that name still haunted his dreams. They had once shared a special kinda love. The special kinda love between a man and a woman where the man gently inserts a crazy straw into his woman's flea infested love hole and sux for all he's worth. The kind of love where you lay back on the couch and place your finger ever so gently into her asshole, while she farts, all the while pining over the Olsen twins on the 1st season of Full House. But, Rich Cashem made a mistake....hoping to spice up their sex life one nite, he entered the bedroom dressed inna Grimace costume. As he rolled around on top of her grunting, he failed to notice the blank expression of horror upon her face. Rich fell asleep, and upon waking, felt a sharp pain in his rectal area. Bending over in front of a mirror, his jaw dropped in mock terror as where once was a pulsating starfish, an uncooked chunk of salsbury steak had been sewn. How could Amanda? What had he done? He found a note lying beside the bed which read....
"You sick BASTARD!!! How could you?? You know my dad used to rape me dressed inna Grimace costume. You're no different than daddy."
The next day while cring over a mound of soft shelled tacos at Taco Bell, a man inna suit aproached Rich. His name was Edgar Mc'Lonny. He needed a butler and felt Rich to be the man for the job. "What's your name kid?", he asked. "R...R...Rich Cashem", Rich replied. "A child's name. From now on you shall be known as Rich Cashem, The Fencing Butler", retorted Edgar.
Rich woke up inna cold sweat. He reached over to grab a piece of bread with which to sop up his wet mattress and noticed the bread gone. In fact, all his food was gone. Laughter erupted behind him. He turned jus in time to see a slumped over figure exit the boiler room. It was then that the blaring sound of Repo Man's theme starting bouncing off the walls of the boiler room. He would have to hunt down Repo Man and get his food back....along w/Virgil's Million Dollar belt. But 1st, he needed to sleep.
Rich awoke quickly strapping on his fencing sword and left the boiler room. He hopped in Jason's car and sped away. A quick pit stop at the Mc'Donald's drive-thru and then off to clear his name. After ordering and pulling up to the window he noticed Clarrissa and some unknown female violating each other behind a dumpster. No need to interupt them he thought. As the lady handed him his food, something ran into his passenger side door. It was that fucking alcoholic Thor. Ever since the Hulk died after falling out of an already landed helicopter, Thor had turned to alcohol...blaming himself for the Hulk's death. It was sad indeed, but Rich had more presing matters. He turned to leave and noticed his Happy Meal gone. There was Repo Man running off w/his food...again.
Rich floored it and hit Repo Man full stride. Getting out of Jason's car, he stepped over top the fallen Repo Man, pressing his fencing sword against his throat. "who sent you?", he asked. Repo Man just laughed. Rich snapped his sword back unloosing Repo Man's mask to then unveil a Scott Neel mask. "You son of a bitch!!!!", screamed Rich. He ripped off the Scott Neel mask to reveal Kane. Kane sits up just as someone whacks Rich in the back of the head w/a 2X4.
Rich awakes strapped above a giant vat of Hormel chili. he looks down to see Hacksaw Jim Duggan smiling up at him. "Why Jim?", asks Rich. "Because you made fun of my cancer and didn't cry and cheer at my triumphant return."< exclaims Duggan. It is then that Shuma Gorath and Amanda enter the room. "My dear Rich Cashem, you once revered the stench of my chili, now it shall devour you. Mwahahahahaha.", screams Amanda.
Just then, "Highway to the Danger Zone" pipes in and 3 cloaked figures appear. "Who the fuck are you guys?", screams Amanda. All 3 uncloak to reveal their identities. "Ah, Farmer Eli, 2001 Dude, and um...who the fuck are you?", again screams Amanda. "My name's Jason." "Uh, again, who the fuck are you....Jason?" "Um, I let Rich borrow my car and sorta need it back now.", proclaims Jason.
During all this, Rich had again fallen asleep, but wakes suddenly and starts to devour his shackles. He falls into the vat of chili and in one fell swoop, engulfs it all. Farmer quickly tosses Rich his famed fencing sword and Rich circles Amanda and starts his deadly circular dance of death. He finds an opening and pokes her in the belly which makes her giggle. Shuma reaches into his pocket and grabs the fake mustache, places it above his beak, and grabs another fencing sword.
Shuma and Rich start a deadly duel, while Farmer Eli, 2001 Dude, and Jason stand back watching. What can they do? If they attack, they might hurt the real Rich Cashem....and better yet, which one is the real Rich Cashem? There's nothing they can do but watch now. After about 20 minutes, one of the Rich's falls asleep and hts the floor. The other Rich walks up, his fencing sword raised and exclaims, "It's over Rich!" "NEVER!!!", screams the other Rich who launches a double fisted attack which launches the um...other Rich into the air, knocking off the fake mustache. Shuma hits the ground w/a thud and starts to glow...
"Shit, he's charging his level 3 octopi ball attack super.", exclaims Jason. "We're fucked." 2001 Dude pulls out a Holy Bible and commands by the power vested in he who is called I am, go back to, from whence you came." He tosses the Bible behind Shuma, which opens up a portal to Dimension X. "Now Rich!", yells Jason. Rich slithers full speed ahead to knock Shuma into the portal. Just 2 feet before he gets there, he once again falls asleep and drops to the floor. "She-it, yo Rich be cappin'. I goss my bling-bling up in dis.", yells Eli, as he launches his mighty pitch fork towards Shuma, hitting him square in the um....chest(?), knocking him into the portal.
I've gotten lazy and decided to leave out the rest of the ending. spose yo'll just have to pick up the special edition dvd of Rich Cashem Rocks the Boat to see it. But, in closing Rich got back his good name, won the girl, had a parade in his honor, and closed with kick ass cover of the tango and cash theme during the closing credits. So if ever you run into Rich the Fencing Butler on the streets, stop, say hi, and poke him in the belly...
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