(Heathrow Airport – England)
Prime Minister: (voice over) Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport. General opinion makes out that we live in a world of hatred and greed I don't see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.'
(Billy Mack, an old rock star, is recording a new song. His manager, Joe, watches from the booth with the other technicians.)
Billy: (singing) I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
Backup Singers: (singing) Feel it in my toes, yeah
Billy: (singing) Love is all around me And so the...
Joe: (cutting in) I'm afraid you did it again, Bill.
Billy: It's just I know the old version so well, you know.
Joe: Well, we all do. That's why we're making the new version.
Billy: Right, OK, let's go. (singing) I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
Backup Singers: (singing) Feel it in my toes, yeah
Billy: (singing) Love is all ar... (stops) Oh, fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arsehead and hole. Start again. (singing) I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around me, and so the feeling grows.
It's written in the wind, it's everywhere I go. So if you really love Christmas, come on and let it snow. (stops singing) This is shit, isn't it?
Joe: Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
(Billy chuckles and gets back to work.)
(Jamie is getting ready to leave his apartment.)
Jamie: God, I'm so late.
Girlfriend: It's just round the corner, you'll make it.
Jamie: You sure you don't mind me going without you?
Girlfriend: No, really. I'm just feeling so rotten.
Jamie: I love you.
Girlfriend: I know.
Jamie: I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.
Girlfriend: I know. Now, go or you will actually miss it.
Jamie: Right. (leaves the room, then comes right back) Did I mention that I love you?
Girlfriend: Yes, you did. Get out, loser.
(Daniel picks up the phone and calls someone.)
Daniel: Karen, it's me again. I'm sorry, I literally don't have anybody else to talk to.
Karen: (into phone) Absolutely. Horrible moment, though. Can I call you back?
Daniel: (into phone) Of course.
Karen: (into phone) Doesn't mean I'm not terribly concerned that your wife just died.
Daniel: (into phone) Understood. Er, bugger off, call me later. (hangs up)
(She hangs up the phone and turns to her daughter.)
Karen: So what's this big news?
Daisy: We've been given our parts in the nativity play and I'm the lobster.
Karen: (confused) The lobster?
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: Yeah. First Lobster.
Karen: (unsure) There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
(A young man is delivering foodstuffs around the office.)
Colin: Best sandwiches in Britain. Try my lovely nuts? (hands a woman some nuts) Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady. (hands a woman a muffin, then turns to Mia) Morning, my future wife.
(Mia ignores him and gets up and goes into her boss’s office. Colin smiles and turns to leave.)
(A man and a woman are standing in the middle of a film location. It appears to be a nice hotel room. They are fully dressed but acting out a love scene when someone tells them to stop.)
Tony: OK, you can stop there. Thanks. I need a couple of orange gels.
Jack: By the way, he introduced me as John but everyone calls me Jack.
Judy: Oh, fine. Nice to meet you, Jack. He got me right, though. I'm just Judy.
Jack: Great, Just Judy!
(Two men are standing at the front of a church. It’s clear that one of them is here to get married.)
Peter: No surprises?
Mark: No surprises.
Peter: Not like the stag night?
Mark: Unlike the stag night.
Peter: You admit the prostitutes were a mistake?
Mark: I do.
Peter: And it would've been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?
Mark: That is true. (The doors open and the bride walks in.) Good luck, kiddo.
(Prime Minister’s Residence)
(The Prime Minister’s car pulls up. There is a crowd of people gathered outside the gates to welcome him home. He gets out of his car and waves.)
Crowd: Prime Minister, over here!
Prime Minster: Thank you.
Annie: Welcome, Prime Minister.
Prime Minster: Woah! I must work on my wave.
Annie: How are you? How are you feeling?
Prime Minster: Erm...Cool. Powerful.
Annie: Would you like to meet your household staff?
Prime Minster: Yes, I would like that very much indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.
Annie: This is Terence. He's in charge.
Terence: Morning, sir.
Prime Minster: Good morning. I had an uncle called Terence. Hated him, I think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you.
Annie: This is Pat.
Prime Minster: Hello, Pat.
Pat: Good morning, sir. I'm the housekeeper.
Prime Minster: Oh, right. I should be easier than the last lot. No nappies, no teenagers, no scary wife.
Annie: And this is Natalie. She's new, like you.
Prime Minster: Hello, Natalie.
Natalie: Hello, David. I mean, sir. Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. (The Prime Minister laughs.) And now I've gone and said "shit". Twice. I'm so sorry, sir.
Prime Minster: It’s all right. You could've said "fuck" and we'd have been in real trouble.
Natalie: Thank you, sir. I had a premonition I was gonna fuck up on my first day. Oh, piss it!
Annie: Right, I'll get my things and then let's fix the country, shall we?
(He walks away and then turns to look back at Natalie.)
Prime Minister: Yeah, I can't see why not.
Pat: It's all right.
Natalie: Did you see what I did?
Pat: Yes, I did.
Natalie: I just went "blurh".
Priest: In the presence of God, Peter and Juliet have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They've declared their marriage by the giving of rings. I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.
Peter: (to Mark) And you resisted the temptation for surprises.
Mark: Yeah, I'm mature now.
(As Juliet and Peter turn to leave the church a curtain is drawn back from the balcony and the choir begins to sing.)
Choir: Love, love, love. Love, love, love. Love, love, love.
Juliet: (to Peter) Did you do this?
Peter: Er, no.
(They both turn and look at Mark.)
Choir: Love, love, love, love
Lead Singer: There's nothing you can do that can't be done. There's nothing you can sing that can't be sung. There's nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game. It's easy.
Choir: All you need is love.
(As the choir sings people scattered throughout the church stand up and begin to play their instruments. It’s quite a surprise to everyone, especially the bride and groom.)
(Jamie comes in and drops his keys on the table. A younger man comes from the back of the house, surprised to see him. It’s Jamie’s younger brother.)
Jamie: Hello! What the hell are you doing here?
Brother: Oh, I just popped over to borrow some old CDs.
Jamie: The lady of the house let you in, did she?
Jamie: Lovely, obliging girl.
Jamie: I thought I'd pop back and see if she's better. (holds up a CD) This is good.
Jamie: Listen, erm, I've been thinking. I think we ought to take Mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think? I just feel we've been bad sons this year.
Brother: Sounds fine. A bit boring but fine.
Girlfriend: (calling from the bedroom) Hurry up, big boy! I'm naked and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home.
(Jamie and his brother just look at each other as the realization dawns on Jamie that his girlfriend was having an affair with his brother.)
(Juliet and Peter are greeting everyone at their reception. Colin is working the reception as a waiter.)
Colin: Delicious delicacy?
Mark: Er, no, thanks.
Colin: (to Sarah who’s on the phone) Taste explosion? (She shakes her head no, and he moves to another woman.) Food?
Woman: No, thanks.
Colin: Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it? Looks like a dead baby's finger. Oooh. (tries one) Oh. Tastes like it, too. I'm Colin, by the way.
Nancy: I'm Nancy.
Colin: Wicked. What do you do, Nancy?
Nancy: I'm a cook.
Colin: Ever do weddings?
Nancy: Yes, I do.
Colin: They should've asked you to do this one.
Nancy: They did.
Colin: God, I wish you hadn't have turned it down.
Nancy: I didn't.
(Colin realizes she’s the caterer and that he’s just insulted her food.)
(Colin comes in and sits down next to Tony at a table.)
Colin: I've worked out why I can't find true love.
Tony: Why is that?
Colin: English girls. They're stuck up, you see. And I am primarily attractive to girls who are cooler, game for a laugh. Like American girls. So I should just go to America! I'd get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?
Tony: I think it's crap, Colin.
Colin: That's where you're wrong. American girls would dig me with my cute British accent.
Tony: You don't have a cute British accent.
Colin: Yes, I do! I'm going to America.
Tony: Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arsehole. Accept it.
Colin: Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.
(Jack and Judy are still working as stand-ins. They are still in the middle of a love scene, and are still wearing all their clothes.)
Director: Bit of quiet while we finish the lighting, guys!
Jack: The traffic today was just...
Tony: Judy, could you take the top off this time? Lighting need to know when we're gonna see the, erm, nipples and when we're not.
Judy: Yes, OK. Right. At least it's nice and warm in here.
Jack: Not always the case, is it? I was standing in for Brad Pitt once on Seven Years In Tibet...
Judy: Yes, yeah.
Jack: Bloody freezing...
Tony: Guys, time's tight and we have to get the actors in.
Jack: I promise I won't look.
Tony: Right, let's have another look at that, please. Can you just put your hands on her breasts?
Jack: OK, yeah. Is that all right?
Jack: I'll warm them up! (Blows on his hands to warm them up.)
Tony: And massage them, please.
Jack: Right. (pause) It's junction 13 that's just murder, isn't it?
Judy: Total gridlock this morning.
(There is a funeral going on. Daniel is up at the podium speaking to everyone.)
Daniel: Jo and I had a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her requests, for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral, I was confident she expected me to ignore. But others she was pretty damn clear about. When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine." And as usual, my darling girl...and Sam's darling mum was right. So she's going to say her final farewell to you not through me but, inevitably, ever so coolly, through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.
(“Bye bye baby” begins to play as Daniel and the other pall bearers lift the casket and walk towards the doors. Sam watches from his spot and says nothing.)
(Sarah sits down next to Mark. Mark is oblivious to everything but Peter and Juliet.)
Sarah: Do you love him?
Mark: Er, er, what?
Sarah: No, l-I just thought I'd ask bluntly in case it was the right question and you needed someone to talk to about it and no one had ever asked you.
Mark: No. No. No is the answer. Absolutely not.
Sarah: So that's a no, then?
Mark: Yes. Erm...This DJ, what do you reckon?
Sarah: The worst in history?
Mark: Probably. I think it all hangs on the next song.
DJ: Now here's one for the lovers. That's quite a few of you, I shouldn't be surprised and a half.
(“Puppy Love” begins to play.)
Mark: He's done it, it's official.
Sarah: Worst DJ in the world.
(Mia, Harry’s assistant, walks into his office.)
Mia: (to Harry) Sarah's waiting for you.
Harry: Oh, yes, of course, erm...Great, er, good, good. How are you doing, Mia? Settling in fine? Learning who to avoid?
(Mia leaves as Sarah walks in. Harry shuts the door behind her.)
Harry: Sarah, switch off your phone and tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.
Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?
Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
Sarah: Um... Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.
Harry: Thought as much.
Sarah: Do you think everybody knows?
Sarah: Do you think Karl knows?
Sarah: Oh, that is... that is bad news.
Harry: I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.
Sarah: Like what?
Harry: Invite him out for a drink then casually mention you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
Sarah: You know that?
Sarah: And so does Karl.
Harry: Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas.
Sarah: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.
(She leaves Harry’s office and runs into Karl.)
Karl: Hi, Sarah.
Sarah: Hi, Karl. (her phone rings and she answers it) Babe. Absolutely, fire away. (She motions to Mia who’s music is a little loud.) Mia, Mia, would you turn that down? What is that?
DJ: That was the Christmas effort from the once great Billy Mack. Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen. I can safely say that is the worst record I've heard this century... Oh, and coincidentally, I believe Billy will be a guest on my friend Mike's show in a few minutes' time. Welcome back, Bill.
(Billy is sitting down for a radio interview with DJ Mike.)
DJ Mike: Billy, welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single, cover of Love Is All Around.
Billy: Except we've changed the word "love" to "Christmas".
DJ Mike: Yes, is that an important message to you, Bill?
Billy: Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.
DJ Mike: And that's not you?
Billy: That's not me, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish and now I'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone.
DJ Mike: Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy: For what?
DJ Mike: For actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn't often happen here at Radio Watford, I can tell you.
Billy: Ask me anything, I'll tell you the truth.
DJ Mike: Best shag you ever had?
Billy: Britney Spears.
DJ Mike: Wow.
Billy: No, only kidding! She was rubbish.
DJ Mike: OK, here's one. How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Billy: Come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap. But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters come Christmas will be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
DJ Mike: I think you're referring to…
(He hits a button and the song starts playing over the speakers.)
"If you really love Christmas..."
"Come on and let it snow."
DJ Mike: So, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year's Christmas number one, Christmas Is All Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already?
"I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes"
(Prime Ministers Conference Room)
Prime Minister: OK. What's next?
Aide: The President's visit.
Prime Minister: Ah, yes, yes. I fear this is going to be a difficult one to play. Alex.
Aide: There's a strong feeling in the party we mustn't allow ourselves to be bullied like the last government.
Aide: Here, here.
Aide: This is our first really important test, let's take a stand.
Prime Minister: Right. Right. I understand that but I have decided...not to. Not this time.Let's not forget that America is the most powerful country in the world. I'm not going to act like a petulant child. Who do you have to screw round here to get a cup of tea and a biscuit? (Natalie comes in with a full tray of tea and biscuits.) Right.
(Prime Minister’s Office – Later)
(There is a knock at the door.)
Prime Minister: Yeah, come in.
Natalie: (sets down some papers) These are from the Treasury.
Prime Minister: Uh-huh....
Natalie: (sets down a tray of biscuits) And these are for you.
Prime Minister: Excellent. Thanks a lot.
Natalie: I was hoping you'd win, not that I wouldn't have been nice to the other bloke, just always given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate.
Prime Minister: Thanks very much. Thanks... Natalie. (She leaves, and he sighs.) God, come on, get a grip. You're the Prime Minister, for God's sake.
(Jack and Judy are in the middle of another love scene. Neither one is wearing clothes and they’re laying down on the bed. She’s laying on top of him and rocking up and down.)
Jack: So what do you reckon to our new prime minister?
Judy: Oh, I like him. I can't understand why he's not married, though.
Jack: You know the type, he's married to his job. Either that or gay as a picnic basket.
Tony: Excuse me, Judy, if you could just lower the nipples and cheat them a bit to the left?
Jack: I have to say, Judy, this is a real pleasure, it's lovely to find someone I can actually chat to.
Judy: Thank you!
Jack: Oh, well, you know.
Judy: And ditto.
Jack: Thank you.
Tony: Then move again, please, Judy.
(She starts to rock again and they bump heads.)
Judy: Ooh, sorry.
Jack: Oh, God, sorry. You all right?
(Tony and Colin are driving.)
Colin: Exciting news!
Colin: I've bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks.
Colin: Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.
Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin!
Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're going out with rich, attractive guys.
Colin: Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.
Tony: That is total bollocks. You're mad.
Colin: No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.
Tony: No, Colin, no!
Colin: Ja, darling!
(Harry and Mia are in his office. She’s taking notes.)
Harry: Right, the Christmas party, not my favorite night of the year and your unhappy job to organize.
Mia: Tell me.
Harry: It's basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.
Mia: Wives and family and stuff?
Harry: Yeah. I mean, not children. But their wives and girlfriends, et cetera. Oh, Christ, you haven't got some horrible six-foot, tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend?
Mia: No. I'll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
Harry: Really? Right.
(Mia smiles and leaves his office and he watches her with curiosity.)
(He and Karen walk in and take off their coats. They move into the kitchen to talk.)
Daniel: He now spends all the time in his room. I mean, he'll be up there now.
Karen: That's not unusual. My horrid son...
Karen: Bernard. Stays in his room all the time. Thank goodness.
Daniel: Yeah, but Karen, this is all the time. I'm afraid that there's something really wrong, you know? I mean, clearly it's about his mum but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.
Karen: At the age of 11?
Daniel: Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins. The problem is his mum always used to talk to him, you know, and...I don't know, this whole stepfather thing seems suddenly to somehow matter like it never did before.
Karen: Listen, it was always going to be a totally shit time. Just be patient. And maybe check the room for needles.
Daniel: And then when he sometimes does come out, it's obvious he's been crying. It's just such a ridiculous waste. And now if it's going to ruin Sam's life as well...I just don't know.
Karen: Get a grip. People hate sissies. No one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.
Daniel: Yeah. Absolutely. Helpful.
(Daniel and Sam are sitting side by side on a bench looking out at the water.)
Daniel: So, what's the problem, Samuel? Is it just Mum or is it something else, huh? Maybe school? Are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: OK. Well... truth is, actually...I'm in love.
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum and I am but I'm in love. I was before she died and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Daniel: Ah, well. OK, well... I'm a little relieved.
Daniel: Because I... thought it'd be something worse.
Sam: Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Er...No, you're right. Total agony.
(Everyone has gone for the day except for Sarah and Karl. Their desks are on opposite sides of the floor and Sarah secretly touches up her make-up while waiting for Karl to leave. He gets up from his desk and turns out his light and she pretends to work as he walks past her desk.)
Karl: Night, Sarah.
Sarah: Night, Karl. (her phone rings and she answers it) Yeah, absolutely. Free as a bird. Fire away.
(Prime Minister’s Office)
(Annie brings in some papers.)
Annie: I'll deal with it.
Prime Minister: Mm. (Natalie brings in his tea and biscuits.) Ah. Natalie.
Prime Minister: Thanks. Natalie. Erm, I'm starting to feel...uncomfortable about us working so closely every day and me knowing so little about you, it seems elitist and wrong.
Natalie: Well, there's not much to know.
Prime Minister: Well, erm, where do you live, for instance?
Natalie: Wandsworth. The dodgy end.
Prime Minister: Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth.
Prime Minister: So which exactly is the dodgy end?
Natalie: At the end of the high street, Harris Street, near the Queen's End.
Prime Minister: Oh, yeah, yeah, that is dodgy. Erm, and you live with your husband? Boyfriend? Three illegitimate but charming children?
Natalie: No. I've just split up with my boyfriend, so I'm back with my mum and dad for a while.
Prime Minister: Ah. Sorry.
Natalie: No, it's fine. I'm well shot of him. He said I was getting fat.
Prime Minister: I beg your pardon?
Natalie: He said no one'd fancy a girl with thighs the size of tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
Prime Minister: No. You know, erm...being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.
Natalie: Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.
Prime Minister: Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away. (She leaves and shuts the door. He turns to the picture of the Queen hanging on the wall.) Oh, God. Did you have this kind of problem? Yeah, course you did, you saucy minx.
(Sam is sitting on the couch in the living room while Daniel paces in front of him.)
Daniel: So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So, come on, it's someone at school. Right?
Daniel: Uh-huh. Good, good. And what does she, he, feel about you?
Sam: SHE doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school. Daniel: And everyone worships her because she's heaven.
Daniel: Good. Good. Well, basically you're fucked, aren't you?
(TV Music Show)
(Billy is standing next to the 2 hosts of the show. There is an audience in the background. There is also a large CD cover for the group BLUE next to Billy.)
Host: Hi there and welcome back. So, three weeks till Christmas, looks like the real competition is gonna be Blue.
Billy: I saw them on the show last week. They weren't very nice about my record.
Host: No. Little scamps.
Billy: But very, very talented musicians.
Host: Yeah. I understand you've got a prize for our competition winners.
Billy: Yes, I have. It's a personalised felt-tip pen.
Host: Oh, great.
Billy: It's brilliant. It even writes on glass, so if you've got a framed picture, like, for instance, this one of Blue, you can just write on it.
(He writes over the heads of BLUE, “We have little pricks!”)
Host: Er, a lot of kids watching, Billy.
Billy: Oh, yeah. (serious) Hiya, kids. Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill, don't buy drugs. (laughs and smiles) Become a pop star and they give you them for free.
(The audience laughs and claps.)
Host: And I do believe it's a commercial break. We'll see you soon. Bye-bye.
(Mark is on the phone with Peter while some school girls giggle about the art hanging on the walls. The art is half naked people covered strategically with Santa hats.)
Mark: (into phone) Just a minute. (to girls) Actually, they're not funny. They're art. (to Peter on phone) OK, let's say, er, Thursday, my place.
(The phone conversation goes back and forth from Mark at the gallery to Peter at his office, and then to Juliet at her house.)
Peter: (on phone) Great. I've got Juliet on the other line, she wants to ask you a favor.
Mark: OK, fine.
Peter: Thanks and, er, be nice.
Mark: I'm always nice.
Peter: You know what I mean, Marky, be friendly.
Mark: I'm always...
Mark: Hi. How was the honeymoon?
Juliet: It was great. Thanks for the gorgeous sendoff.
Mark: So, what can I do for you?
Juliet: It's only a tiny favor. I've just tried the wedding video and it's a disaster. It's come out all blue and wibbly.
Mark: I'm sorry.
Juliet: I remember you filming a lot and I wondered if I could look at it.
Mark: To be honest, I didn't really...
Juliet: Please. All I want is one shot of me in a wedding dress that isn't turquoise.
Mark: I'll have a look but I'm pretty sure I wiped it, so don't get any hopes up. Must go.
(He hangs up and Juliet looks unsure.)
Harry: Any progress with our matchmaking plans?
Sarah: No. I've done fuck-all and never will because he's too good for me.
Harry: How true.
(Her phone starts ringing.)
Harry: And of course, your mobile goes.
Sarah: (into phone) Hello. Hi. How you doing?
Harry: So, how's the Christmas party going?
Mia: Good. Think I've found a venue.
Harry: What's it like?
Mia: Good. Good. It's an art gallery. Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.
Harry: Oh. Right. Good. Well, I suppose I should take a look at it or something.
Mia: (smiles) You should.
(France – Cottage)
(Jamie arrives and begins opening windows and doors to air out his rental cottage. There is a knock at the door and he answers it to find an older woman there.)
Jamie: Ah, bonjour, Eleonore.
Eleonore: Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett. Welcome back. And this year you bring a lady guest?
Jamie: No. There's a change of situation. Just me.
Eleonore: Oh. Am I sad or not sad?
Jamie: I think you're not surprised.
Eleonore: And you stay here till Christmas?
Jamie: Yeah, yeah.
Eleonore: Good. Well, I find you a perfect lady to clean the house. This is Aurelia.
Jamie: Ah. Er, bonjour, Aurelia.
Jamie: Er, je suis, er, tres heureux de vous avoir ici.
(Aurelia looks at Eleonore, unsure of what Jamie is saying.)
Eleonore: Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you. She's Portuguese.
Jamie: Ah, ah, buongiorno. Eusebio, er, er...Er, molto bueno...
Eleonore: I think she's ten years too young to remember a footballer called Eusebio. And "molto bueno" is Spanish.
Jamie: Right. Anyway, it's nice to meet you and...
Eleonore: Can you drive her home after her work?
Jamie: Oh, absolutely, yes. Con-Con grande, er, pl-plesura.
Eleonore: Which is what? Turkish?
(He’s driving Aurelia home. He’s trying to figure out her language, and talking to himself while he does it. She sits beside him and smiles at his trying.)
Jamie: Bello. Er, bella. Er, mon-montagno, arvarez... No, right. Silence is golden. As the Tremeloes said.
Clever guys, although I think the original version was by Frankie Valli And The Four Seasons. Gr-great band. Oh, shut up.
(Prime Minister’s House)
(The President of the United States arrives.)
Press: Mr President! Over here, sir! What will you be talking about?
Prime Minister: Mr. President, welcome.
President: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Prime Minister: Come through. I'm sorry your wife couldn't make it.
President: So is she. Although she would have been kind of lonely.
Prime Minister: Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? Just never been able to tie a girl down. Not sure that politics and dating go together.
President: Really? I've never found that.
Prime Minister: Yeah, you're still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look like my Aunt Mildred. Very jealous of your plane, by the way. Thank you. We love that thing. Ah, Natalie.
President: Morning, ma'am. How's your day so far? (Natalie smiles and continues on her way.) Excellent. My goodness, that's a pretty little son of a bitch. Did you see those pipes?
Prime Minister: Yeah, she's terrific. At her job.
(The President and his aides are talking with the Prime Minister and his aides.)
Aide: No, absolutely not. We cannot and will not consult on that either.
Aide2: That is unexpected.
President: Well, it shouldn't be. The last administration made it perfectly clear. We're being consistent with their policies.
Aide: With all respect, they were bad policies.
Prime Minister: Thanks, Alex. I don't think we're making progress here. Let's, erm... move on, shall we?
(Prime Minister’s Office)
Prime Minister: Well, now, that was an interesting day.
President: Sorry if our line was firm but there's no point in tiptoeing around today, then just disappointing you for four years. I have plans and I plan to see them through.
Prime Minister: Absolutely. There is one final thing to look at. It's very close to my heart. Just give me a second.
President: I'll give you anything you ask for. As long as it's not something I don't wanna give.
(He leaves his office and in the hallway Natalie walks past him to put some papers in his office.)
Prime Minister: (to himself) Pathetic.
(He finds what he’s looking for and goes back to his office. He finds Natalie and the President standing very close together and the President is touching her hair. Natalie looks very uncomfortable and the Prime Minster looks shocked.)
President: It's great Scotch.
Natalie: I'II, erm... I'll be going, then.
President: Er, Natalie, I hope to see much more of you as our countries work toward a better future.
Natalie: Thank you, sir.
Prime Minister: Er, yes, Peter.
Peter: Mr President, has it been a good visit?
President: Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for and our special relationship is still very special.
Peter: Prime Minister?
Prime Minister: I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.
Press: Mr President!
Annie: It's your sister on line four.
Prime Minister: All right. (answers phone) Er, yes, I'm very busy and important, how can I help you?
(The scene switches from the Prime Minister in his office to Karen at her house.)
Karen: (into phone) Have you gone completely insane?
Prime Minister: You can't always be sensible.
Karen: (into phone) You can if you're Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: It's the Chancellor on the other line.
Karen: (into phone) It isn't!
Prime Minister: I'll call you back.
Karen: (into phone) No, you won't! (hangs up the phone) The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is it puts your life into perspective. What did my brother do today? He fought for his country. What did I do? I made a papier-mache lobster head.
Harry: What is this we're listening to?
Karen: Joni Mitchell.
Harry: I can't believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell.
Karen: I love her and true love lasts a lifetime. Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel.
Harry: Did she? Oh, well, that's good, I must write to her and say thanks.
Karen: Which doll for Daisy's friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?
(Holds up the dolls and that’s indeed how they look.)
(Prime Minister’s House)
(He’s in his bedroom listening to the radio.)
Radio: It's almost enough to make you feel patriotic, so here's one for our arse-kicking prime minister. A golden oldie for a golden oldie.
(“Jump, For My Love” by the Pointer Sisters comes on the radio and the Prime Minister begins dancing around the house to the song. He makes it downstairs before he’s noticed by an aide.)
Prime Minister: Yeah, erm, Mary, can we move the Japanese ambassador to four o'clock tomorrow?
Mary: Certainly, sir.
Prime Minister: Terrific. Thanks so much.
(He turns and walks back to his room. She smiles at him walking away.)
(France – Jamie’s Cottage)
(Aurelia is cleaning around Jamie as he types on his typewriter. As she speaks we see the subtitles below. She’s speaking in Portuguese so he has no idea what she’s saying.)
Jamie: (holds up a plate of biscuits) Erm. Would you like the last, er...?
Aurelia: (shakes her head no) (in subtitles) Thank you very much but no. If you saw my sister, you'd understand why.
Jamie: That's all right, more for me.
Aurelia: (subtitled) Just don't go eating it all yourself, you're getting chubbier every day.
Jamie: I'm very lucky I've got a constitution where I never put on weight. (The phone begins to ring. They finally find the phone under some papers.) Hello. (He bumps into Aurelia.) Oop. Sorry. Hello? Thank you.
(Jamie is sitting on the pier near the pond typing. Aurelia is cleaning around him. She lifts his coffee mug and papers go flying everywhere into the pond. She goes running after them.)
Aurelia: Nao! Eu peco imensa desculpa.
Jamie: Oh, no. Hold on. God, it's half the book. Oh, no.
Aurelia: Que desastre.
(She gets down to the end of the pier and begins to take off her shoes and dress. Jamie is enamored of her.)
Jamie: Just leave them, please! They're not important. They're not worth it! Stop! Stop. (He climbs over the wall onto the pier.) Aa-ahh. It's all just rubbish. Just leave it. (Aurelia jumps into the pond.) Oh, God, she's in. And now she'll think I'm a total spaz if I don't go in too.
Aurelia: (subtitled) Fuck - it's cold!
Jamie: (falls into the water) Fuck - it's freezing! Fuck!
Aurelia: (subtitled) This stuff better be good.
Jamie: It's not worth it, this isn't bloody Shakespeare.
Aurelia: (subtitled) I don't want to drown saving some shit my grandmother could have written.
Jamie: Just stop. Stop.
Aurelia: (subtitled) What kind of idiot doesn't make copies?
Jamie: I really must do copies. There'd better not be eels in here.
Aurelia: (subtitled) Try not to disturb the eels.
(Something brushes against Jamie’s leg.)
Jamie: Oh, what the hell is that?
(Aurelia is now wearing a blanket around her shoulders and Jamie brings her a mug of coffee.)
Jamie: Thank you. Thank you so much. I know. I'll name one of the characters after you.
Aurelia: (subtitled) Maybe you could name one of the characters after me. Or give me 50% of the profits.
Jamie: Or I could give you 5% of the profits.
Aurelia: (subtitled) (points to the papers) What kind of book is it? (in broken English) Romance?
Jamie: Yes. It's, erm... (motions like he’s trying to stab something)
Aurelia: (broken English) Ah, er... Thriller... crime...
Jamie: Si. Crime. Crime, murder.
Jamie: Er, scary? Yes, sometimes scary.And, er, sometimes not. Mainly scary how bad the writing is.
Aurelia: Mm. (subtitled) I'd better get back to work.
Aurelia: (subtitled) Later you'll drive me home?
Jamie: Sure. It's my favorite time of day... driving you.
Aurelia: (subtitled) It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
(He’s watching the news as they talk about Billy Mack.)
TV: And coming up later this morning, it's this guy... (shot of Billy’s Christmas video) ... the bad grandad of rock'n'roll, here at 10:30. Do not switch off.
(There is a knock at the door and he goes to answer it. It’s Juliet She holds up a box with a pastry in it.)
Juliet: Banoffee pie?
Mark: No, thanks.
Juliet: Thank God. You would've broken my heart if you'd said yes.
Mark: (forced smile) Right, well, lucky you.
Juliet: Can I come in?
Mark: Er, yeah, well, I'm a bit busy...
Juliet: I was just passing and I thought we might check that video thing out. I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie or maybe Munchies? (holds up a candy bar)
Mark: Actually, I was serious - I don't know where it is. I'll have a look tonight.
Juliet: Mark, can I say something?
Juliet: I know you're Peter's best friend and I know you've never particularly warmed to me. Look, don't, don't argue. We've never got friendly. But I wanted to say, I hope that can change. I'm nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and...It would be great if we could be friends.
Mark: (forced) Absolutely. Absolutely.
Juliet: (unsure) Great.
Mark: Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called and couldn't find it so...
Juliet: (looks around at his videos) This one says "Peter and Juliet's Wedding". Do you think we might be on the right track?
Mark: Er, yeah, well... Wow. That-that could be it.
Juliet: Do you mind if I...
Mark: I've probably taped over it. Almost everything's episodes of West Wing.
(The video plays and it’s perfect.)
Juliet: Oh. Oh, bingo. That's lovely. Well done, you. Oh, that's gorgeous. Thank you so much, Mark, this is exactly what I was hoping for. (All the shots are of Juliet, both up close and far away.) I look quite pretty. (She glances at Mark.) You've stayed rather close. (As the video continues she realizes something.) They're all of me.
Mark: Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Juliet: But...you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don't like me.
(Mark is completely flustered.)
Mark: I hope it's useful. Don't show it around too much. Needs a bit of editing. Look, I've got to get to a... lunch. Early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can't you? It's a... self-preservation thing, you see.
(He leaves in a hurry.)
(As Mark walks the city, the a Dido song plays in the background. He can’t seem to walk far enough or fast enough to get away from Juliet’s discovery that he loves her.)
(Prime Minister’s Office)
(Annie comes in.)
Prime Minister: Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat. Ah...Need you to do a favor for me.
Annie: Of course. Anything for the hero of the hour.
Prime Minister: Don't ask me why, and don't read stuff into this, it's just a weird personality thing. But, erm, you know Natalie who works here?
Annie: The chubby girl?
Prime Minister: Ooh, would we call her chubby?
Annie: I think there's a pretty sizeable arse there, yes, sir. Huge thighs.
Prime Minister: Yeah. Well, whatever, erm...I'm sure she's a lovely girl but I wonder if you could, erm...redistribute her?
Annie: It's done.
Daniel: Hey, Sammo. Can't sleep?
Sam: I got some terrible news today.
Daniel: Let's have it.
Sam: Joanna's going back to America.
Daniel: Your girl's American?
Sam: Yes, she's American. And she's not my girl. And she's going back to America. That's the end of my life as I know it.
Daniel: That is bad news. Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now. Come on.
(They are watching ‘Titanic’ in their living room. The boat scene is playing and Jack asks Rose if she trusts him. Daniel and Sam are acting out the scene as well.)
Daniel: Do you trust me?
Sam: I trust you.
(He pulls Sam back and they both fall onto the couch.)
Sam: Get off, you big bully.
Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary but general wisdom is that in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam: There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. And there is for me. She's the one.
Daniel: Fair enough. And her name's Joanna?
Sam: Yeah, I know. Same as Mum.
(Prime Minister’s Office)
(He’s working at the coffee table. His new aide, Natalie’s replacement, comes in and sets down a tray of tea and biscuits.)
Aide: Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: Thank you very much.
(France – Jamie’s Cottage)
(He’s loading up his car with gifts for his family. Aurelia is watching.)
Jamie: Oh. Appolo... Erm, appologia. Grande, er... grande familio, grande tradizione de Christmas presents.
(Jamie is dropping off Aurelia for the last time. They both get out of the car and stand in front of each other.)
Jamie: Well, goodbye. Thank you. Erm, it was, erm...
Aurelia: (subtitled) I will miss you. And your very slow typing... and your very bad driving.
(She kisses him, and begins to quickly walk away. Jamie watches her for a moment before getting back in his car. He pulls out into traffic without really looking and gets hit lightly from behind. He rolls his eyes in frustration.)
(Sam is watching Billy Mack’s Christmas video through a shopping mall window. He sees all the attractive girls in the video and finally decides something.)
Sam: Daniel! I have a plan.
Daniel: Thank the Lord. Tell me.
Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they?
Sam: Even the weird ones get girlfriends.
Daniel: That's right. Meat Loaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.
Sam: Whatever. There's this big concert at the end of term and Joanna's in it. I thought if I was in the band and played superbly, she might fall in love with me. What do you think?
Daniel: I think it's brilliant, I think it's stellar. Apart from the one obvious tiny little baby little hiccup.
Sam: I don't play a musical instrument?
Daniel: Yes, sir.
Sam: A tiny, insignificant detail.
(Everyone at Harry’s office is at the Art Gallery and seems to be enjoying themselves.)
Harry: I suppose I'd better do the duty round.
Karen: You're a saint.
(Harry begins to work his way around, talking to all his employees. Mia approaches him. She’s dressed very sexy and is wearing devil horns on her head.)
Mia: Any chance of a dance with the boss?
Harry: Yeah, sure, sure. As long as your boyfriend doesn't mind.
(They look over at Mark, who is dancing.)
Mia: Not my boyfriend.
(They begin to dance.)
Harry: You're looking very pretty tonight.
Mia: It's for you.
Mia: (leans in and whispers in his ear) It's all for you, sir.
(Prime Minister’s Office)
(He is working, but has the TV on. There is a Billy Mack interview on.)
Interviewer: This must be very exciting for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How's it looking so far?
Billy: Very bad indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one but I'm hoping for a late surge. And, if I reach number one, I promise to sing a song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.
Interviewer: Do you mean that?
Billy: Of course I do, Michael. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.
(Billy drops part of his pants as he stands in front of the Interviewer. The Interviewer looks to the audience.)
Interviewer: That'll never make number one.
(The Prime Minister laughs.)
(Sarah and Karen are standing together. Sarah notices Harry dancing with Mia.)
Sarah: I suppose it's his job to dance with everyone, isn't it?
Karen: Some more than others.
(Karl walks up.)
Karl: (to Sarah) Just one dance? Before we run out of chances.
Sarah: Who, me?
Karl: Unless you just...
Sarah: No! No! Good. (Karen takes her drink and they go to dance.) Yes. Thanks.
(The fast song ends almost as soon as they get on the dance floor and a slow song comes on in stead. So she and Karl dances slowly together. Clearly enjoying it.)
(Karl is dropping her off at her door.)
Karl: Well, then. I'd better go.
Karl: Good night.
Sarah: Good night.
(They share a passionate kiss.)
Karl: Actually... I don't have to go.
Sarah: Right. Good.
Karl: I mean...
Sarah: No, that's good. Just, erm, would you excuse me for one second?
Sarah: Just one second. (She goes out of his line of sight and silently screams her happiness. She then comes back.) Um, OK, that's done. Um...Why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds?
Karl: Ten seconds.
Sarah: Ten seconds.
(Sarah runs upstairs and picks up the bedroom a little. She takes off her coat and lays it over a chair. Karl comes up the stairs and slowly removes his coat. He lays it down and they look at each other. They then they fly across the room and meet in the middle, kissing quite passionately. She helps him take off his jacket and shirt and he tries to get her dress over her head.)
Sarah: Just tug it.
(He does so, and she’s there in only her slip. They continue kissing and they move to the bed.)
Karl: You're beautiful.
(Sarah’s phone begins to ring.)
Sarah: I-I'd better answer that. (answers phone) Hello. Hi. Hello, darling. No, no, I'm not busy. No, fire away. Right. Yes, I... I'm not quite sure it's gonna be possible to get the Pope on the phone tonight but...
Yes. Yes, I'm sure he's very good at exorcism but... Well, I'm sure... Jon Bon Jovi is as well and I'll definitely look into it. OK? OK, I'll talk to you later. All right, bye-bye. (hangs up.) Sorry about that.
Karl: No, it's fine.
Sarah: It's my brother, he's not well, he calls a lot.
Karl: I'm sorry.
Sarah: No, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it's not really fine, it is what it is, and there being no parents now and us being over here, it's my job to keep an eye on him. Not my job, obviously, I'm glad to do it...
Karl: That's OK. Life is full of interruptions and complications.
(They go back to kissing and her phone rings again.)
Karl: Will it make him better?
Karl: Then maybe...don't answer.
(Sarah looks at him for a moment, torn with indecision. Then she answers her phone.)
Sarah: (into phone) Hey. How you doing? Right, right. Oh, no, please. Oh, please, please don't, little darling. Between the two of us we'll find the answer and it won't hurt any more. (Karl picks up his things, and leaves. Sarah looks ready to cry.) No, no. I'm-I'm not busy. I... Of course, if you want me to come over I will. Mm-hm. OK.
(Karen and Harry are getting ready for bed.)
Harry: That was a good night.
Karen: Except I felt fat.
Harry: Don't be ridiculous.
Karen: It's true. Nowadays the only clothes I can get into were once owned by Pavarotti.
Harry: I always think Pavarotti dresses very well.
Karen: Mia's very pretty.
Harry: Is she?
Karen: You know she is, darling. Be careful there.
(Sarah is in the psych ward visiting her brother.)
Sarah: Have you been watching stuff on TV?
Brother: Yeah. Every night.
Brother: And every day. The nurses are trying to kill me.
Sarah: Nobody's trying to kill you, babe. (He tries to hit her but is stopped by an orderly.) Thank you. Don't do that, my darling. Thank you. Don't do that.
(Harry is getting ready to go out.)
Harry: Right. Back at three. Christmas shopping, never easy or pleasant.
Mia: Are you gonna get me something?
Harry: Er... I don't know, I hadn't thought. Where's Sarah, by the way?
Mia: She couldn't make it in. Family thing.
Harry: There's a word for hangover I've never heard before. See you later.
Mia: Yes. Looking forward to it. A lot.
(Mall – Outside)
(Harry dials Mia on his cell phone.)
Harry: Are you gonna give me something?
Mia: (on phone) I thought I made it clear last night. When it comes to me, you can have everything.
Harry: So, erm, what do you need? Something along the stationery line? Are you short of staplers?
Mia: (on phone) No. I don't want something I need. I want something I want. Something pretty.
Harry: Right. Right.
(Karen spots him and comes over as he hangs up the phone.)
Karen: Sorry I'm late, I had to drop off Bernie at rehearsal.
Karen: Right, listen, you keep yourself occupied while I do the boring stuff for our mothers.
Harry: Thank you. Thank you.
(Harry goes over to the jewelry counter and looks at some necklaces. He spots a lovely heart shaped gold necklace.)
Salesman: Looking for anything in particular, sir?
Harry: Yes. That necklace there, how much is it?
Salesman: It's £270.
Harry: Erm, all right. Er, I'll have it.
Salesman: Lovely. Would you like it... gift wrapped?
Harry: Yes, all right.
Salesman: Lovely. Let me just pop it in the box. There.
Harry: Look, could we be quite quick?
Salesman: Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes. There.
Harry: That's great.
Salesman: Not quite finished.
Harry: I don't need a bag, I'll put it in my pocket.
Salesman: Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.
Salesman: This is so much more than a bag.
Harry: Ooh! Could we be quite quick, please?
Harry: What's that?
Salesman: A cinnamon stick, sir.
Harry: Actually, I really can't wait.
Salesman: You won't regret it, sir.
Harry: Want to bet?
Salesman: 'Tis but the work of a moment. There we go. Almost finished.
Harry: Are you gonna dip it in yogurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons?
Salesman: No, sir, we're going to pop it in the Christmas box.
Harry: I don't want a Christmas box.
Salesman: But you wanted it gift wrapped.
Harry: I did but...
Salesman: The final flourish.
Harry: Can I pay?
Salesman: All we need now...
Harry: Oh, God.
Salesman: ...is a sprig of holly.
Harry: No, no, no, no. No bloody holly.
Salesman: But sir...
Harry: Leave it. (Karen walks up.) Ooh!
Salesman: Loitering around the jewelry section?
Harry: No. I was just looking around.
Salesman: Don't worry. My expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves. Actually, I do love this one.
(He answers the door and Colin comes in with a large backpack.)
Tony: What are you doing here?
Colin: Had to rent out my flat to pay for my ticket.
Tony: You're not actually going ahead with this stupid plan?
Colin: I bloody am. (motions to his pack) You think this is full of clothes? Like hell it is. It is chock-a-block full of condoms.
(Jack and Judy are in the middle of filming another love scene. Jack is standing and Judy is on her knees in front of him. Her head going back and forth. It looks like she’s doing a certain something, but when we get closer we see that they are just faking. Making the motions without actually doing anything.)
Tony: Excellent. Excellent. Perfect, keep that going.
Jack: Look, erm... sorry to be a bit forward and all that but...you don't fancy going for a Christmas drink, do you? I mean, nothing implied. Just maybe go and see something Christmassy or something. Obviously, if you don't want to, you don't have to. I...I'm rambling now, sorry.
Judy: (smiles) No. That would be lovely.
Jack: Oh, great. Yay!
(Another Film Location)
(Another love scene is being filmed. Jack is laying on the bed on his back with Judy on top of him. His head is between her knees.)
Jack: You know, that is really great. Normally, I'm really shy, takes me ages to get the courage up, so thank you.
(Harry comes in and takes of his coat.)
Karen: Explain again why you're so late.
Harry: Can't a man have any secrets?
Karen: We've been waiting for hours, it's the first ever preview. (As she walks away she hangs up his coat and feels something in the pocket. She looks and it’s the gold necklace. She smiles in surprise and puts it back in his coat pocket.)
(Nativity Play Preview)
(Daisy is dressed as a lobster and there is a Barney doll in the manger.)
Karen: (reading) It was a starry night in ancient Jerusalem and the baby Jesus was in his manger.
(London School of Language)
(Jamie is in class learning to speak Portuguese.)
Class: Sherlock Holmes is not a real detective. Is this the way to the train station? I would like half-pint of churly. I would like a one-day Travelcard. Oh, my God, I've got a terrible stomachache. It must have been the prawns. Milton Keynes has many roundabouts. My goodness, this is a very big fish! It tastes delicious!
(Tony is dropping Colin off at the airport.)
Tony: You'll come back a broken man.
Colin: Yeah, back broken from too much sex.
Tony: You are on the road to disaster.
Colin: No, I am on shag highway, heading west. Farewell, failure. America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell. And he's got a big knob!
(Colin exits the airport and gets into a cab.)
Colin: Take me to a bar.
Cabbie: What kind of bar?
Colin: Just any bar. Just your average American bar.
(Average American Bar)
(Colin comes in and sits down at the bar.)
Bartender: Can I help you?
Colin: Yes. I'd like a Budweiser, please. King of beers.
Bartender: Bud coming up.
(An attractive woman is sitting further down the bar. She stops drinking her beer and turns to look at him.)
Woman: Oh, my God. Are you from England?
Woman: Oh...that is so cute. Hi, I'm Stacey. Jeannie?
Stacey: This is... Colin.
Jeannie: Cute name. (holds out her hand to shake) Jeannie.
Stacey: He's from England.
Colin: Yep. Basildon.
(The girls gasp in pleasure.)
Stacey: Wait till Carol-Anne gets here. She's crazy about English guys.
Carol-Anne: Hey, girls.
Jeannie: Carol-Anne, come meet Colin. He's from England.
Carol-Anne: Well, step aside, ladies. This one's on me. Hey, gorgeous.
(The three attractive woman are sitting around a table with Colin. They’re drinking and having a good time.)
Stacey: That is so funny! What do you call that?
Colin: Er, bottle.
(The girls try to mimic his English accent.)
Jeannie: What about this?
Colin: Er, straw.
Carol-Anne: What about this?
Girls: Table. The same. Oh, it's the same.
Jeannie: Where are you staying?
Colin: I don't actually know. I'll just check into a motel like in the movies.
Stacey: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is so cute.
Carol-Anne: No, no, no, listen. This may be a bit pushy cos we just met you but... why don't you come back and sleep at our place?
Girls: Yeah. Yeah.
Colin: Well, if it's not too much of an inconvenience.
Girls; Hell no!
Carol-Anne: But there's one problem.
Carol-Anne: Well, we're not the richest of girls, you know.
Stacey: So we just have a little bed and no couch. So you'd have to share with all three of us.
Carol-Anne: And on this cold, cold night it's gonna be crowded and sweaty and stuff.
Stacey: And we can't even afford pajamas.
Jeannie: Which means... we would be naked.
Colin: No, no, I think it'd be fine.
Carol-Anne: The thing that's gonna make it more crowded...
Carol-Anne: You haven't met Harriet.
Colin: There's a fourth?
Stacey: Don't worry, you're totally gonna like her cause she is "the sexy one".
Colin: Really? Wow.
Colin: Praise the Lord!
Jeannie: Oh, and he's a Christian.
(As the music plays in the background we can see the silhouette of the girls and Colin through the upstairs window. They pull off his clothes and fall into the bed. Harriet is seen from the back walking up to the apartment building.)
(They are gathered around the tree in the living room.)
Karen: One present only each tonight. Who's got one for Dad?
Bernie: I have.
Harry: Let Mummy go first.
Bernie: I'll get it.
Karen: No, no, no. I want to choose mine. I think I want... (holds up a box that looks like the one the necklace was in.) ...this one.
Harry: I have bought the traditional scarf as well but this is my other, slightly special, personal one.
Karen: Thank you. That's a real first.
Kids: Rip it!
Daisy: What is it?
Karen: I'm going to... All right, I'll rip it. (opens it and it’s a CD set) God, that's a surprise.
Kids: What is it?
Karen: It's a CD. Joni Mitchell, wow.
(Karen is clearly upset and trying not to show it.)
Harry: (smiles) To continue your emotional education.
Karen: Yes. Goodness. That's great.
Harry: My brilliant wife. - Ah, yes.
Karen: Actually, do you mind if I just absent myself for a second? All that ice cream. Er... Darling, could you make sure the kids are ready to go? Back in a minute.
(She gets up and leaves the room.)
Harry: (os to the kids) All right, take it easy. Mine first. Mine.
(Up in the bedroom Karen wanders around the room as Joni Mitchell plays in the background. She is very upset that the necklace wasn’t meant for her and is crying.)
(She comes back downstairs after composing herself. The kids and Harry are all ready to go.)
Karen: Oh, my God. It's a miracle. You're all dressed. Come on, come on, come on, we're horribly late. Come on, then. In the car. In the car.
Daniel: Has she noticed you yet?
Daniel: But the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.
Sam: Of course. By the way, I feel bad. I never ask you how your love life is going.
Daniel: Er-huh! No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of here straightaway, you wee motherless mongrel.
Daniel: No, no. We'll want to have sex in every room, including yours.
(Billy, his manager Joe, and about 50 other people are all gathered together for a party. The radio is on in the background.)
Radio DJ: It's a rainy Christmas Eve all over the UK and the question is who is number one on the Radio One chart show tonight? Is it Blue or the unexpected Christmas sensation from Billy Mack? You might have guessed it although you may not believe it. It's Billy Mack.
Joe: You are the champion!
(Billy is on the phone with the radio station.)
Radio DJ: (on phone) Hi, Billy.
Billy: (into phone) Hello.
Radio DJ: We're live across the nation and you're number one. How will you be celebrating?
Billy: I don't know. Er, either I could behave like a real rock'n'roll loser and get drunk with my fat manager... (Joe loses a bit of his smile.) or, when I hang up, I'll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.
Radio DJ: (on phone) Let's hope it's the latter. Here it is. Number one, from Billy Mack, it's Christmas Is All Around.
Billy: (into phone) Oh, Jesus, not that crap again.
Woman: (snaps her fingers and hands the phone to Billy) Bill, it's for you, babe.
Billy: (into phone) Hello. Elton. O-Of course. Of course. Send an embarrassingly big car and I'll be there. It's gonna be a very good Christmas.
(Jack has walked Judy to her door, and they are standing outside.)
Judy: I'd better be getting inside, actually. My mum and... you know.
Jack: Of course, yeah. It's getting a bit cold.
Judy: Well, good night.
(They fidget for a minute and then finally Judy leans in and they kiss.)
Judy: All I want for Christmas... is you.
Jack: Right. Thank you. Good.
Judy: Good night.
(Judy goes inside and Jack grins from ear to ear. He jumps down the stairs and cheers.)
Jack: Ha ha ha!
(Jamie’s Family House)
(Jamie comes to the door loaded down with presents for everyone.)
Woman: Oh, look, everyone, it's Uncle Jamie.
Kids: Hi, Uncle Jamie!
Jamie: Yes, oh, splendid. It's lovely to see you all. And, er...I'm off, actually.
Mother: But Jamie, darling.
Jamie: Sorry. Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
(He sets the presents down and walks off.)
Kids: I hate Uncle Jamie!
(Jamie climbs into a cab.)
Jamie: (to cabbie) Gatwick airport, please. Fast as you can.
(Sarah is still working and so is Karl. They are a little awkward with each other now.)
Karl: Night, Sarah.
Sarah: Night, Karl. (Karl leaves and she looks utterly lost. Very sad. Her phone rings again.) Hi, babe, how's it going? Yeah. Is it all party, party, party down there?
(Daniel is talking to Sam through his bedroom door.)
Daniel: Sam, time for dinner.
Sam: (os) I'm not hungry.
Daniel: Sam, I've done chicken kebabs.
Sam: (os) Look at the sign on the door.
Daniel: (looks at the sign) Right.
(The sign on the door says “I Said I’m Not Hungry.”)
(Peter & Juliet’s Flat)
(The doorbell rings and Juliet goes down the stairs to answer it.)
Juliet; I'll get it. (she opens the door and it’s Mark) Oh, hi.
Peter: (from upstairs) Who is it?
(Mark holds up a sign and it says “Say it’s Carol Singers”.)
Juliet: (to Peter) It's carol singers.
Peter: (upstairs) Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.
(Peter turns on the TV. Downstairs Mark turns on a boom box and it plays a Christmas carol. He shows Juliet several hand made signs that basically tell her that it’s Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth. To him she is perfect and he loves her. He finishes with the signs, gives her a thumbs up, and turns to leave. He walks a little ways away when Juliet runs out of the house. She kisses him quickly, smiles and runs back inside to Peter. Mark sighs and realizes he’s ready to move on.)
Mark: Enough. Enough now.
(Joe’s Flat – Downstairs)
(Joe goes downstairs to answer the door and it’s Billy.)
Joe: What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be at Elton John's.
Billy: Well, I was there for a minute or two and then I had an epiphany.
Joe: Come on. Just come up.
Joe: So what was this epiphany?
Billy: Erm, it... it was about Christmas.
Joe: You realized it was all around.
Billy: No. I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love.
Billy: And I realized that, as dire chance and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-fifties, and without knowing it, I've spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And, much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact...you.
Joe: Well, this is a surprise.
Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're gay?
Billy: No, look. I'm serious here. I left Elton's and a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open in order to hang out with you at Christmas.
Joe: Well, Bill...
Billy: It's a terrible, terrible mistake, chubs...but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining...we have had a wonderful life.
Joe: Well...thank you. I mean, come on, it's been an honor. I feel very proud.
Billy: Oh, look, don't be a moron. Come on, let's get pissed and watch porn.
(Prime Minister’s Office)
(He’s going through some Christmas cards that were sent to him. He comes across one from Natalie.)
Natalie: (voice over) Dear sir, Dear David, Merry Christmas and I hope you have a very happy New Year. I'm very sorry about the thing that happened. It was a very odd moment and I feel like a prize idiot. Particularly because - if you can't say it at Christmas, when can you, eh? I'm actually yours. With love, your Natalie.
(He sets down the card and picks up the phone.)
Prime Minister: Jack, yeah, I need a car. Right now. Thank you.
Prime Minister: (as he leaves) Oh, don't wait up. (to Driver) I'd like to go to Wandsworth, the dodgy end.
Driver: Very good, sir.
Driver: Harris Street. What number, sir?
Prime Minister: Oh, God, it's the longest street in the world and I have absolutely no idea.
(They all get out of the car.)
(Harris Street #1)
(An old woman answers the door.)
Prime Minister: Hello, does Natalie live here?
Old Woman: No.
Prime Minister: Right, fine, thank you. Sorry to disturb.
Old Woman: Here, aren't...Aren't you the Prime Minister?
Prime Minister: Er, yes. In fact, I am. Merry Christmas.
Old Woman: (smiles) Oh.
Prime Minister: Part of the service now. Trying to get round everyone by New Year's Eve.
(Harris Street #2)
(The door opens and it’s three little girls.)
Prime Minister: Ah. Hello. Does Natalie live here?
Little Girl: No, she doesn't.
Prime Minister: Oh dear. OK.
Little Girl: Are you singing carols?
Prime Minister: Er, no. No, I'm not.
Little Girl: Please, sir, please.
Little Girls: Please.
Prime Minister: Well, I suppose I could.
Little Girls: Please.
Prime Minister: All right. (beings singing) Good King Wenceslas looked out, On the feast of Stephen. (motions for his guard to join him, and the guard has an amazing voice) When the snow lay round about, Deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night.
(Harris Street, #?)
(The Prime Minister looks very worn out. It’s clear he’s been trying for a while to find Natalie. There’s no telling how many doors he’s knocked on. Mia answers the door, she’s wearing the gold necklace Harry bought her.)
Prime Minister: Hello. Sorry to disturb. Does Natalie live here?
Mia: No. (She pauses as the Prime Minister looks dejected.) She lives next door.
Prime Minister: (smiles and glances next door) Ah. Brilliant.
Mia: You're not who I think you are, are you?
Prime Minister: Yes and I'm sorry about all the cockups. My cabinet are absolute crap. We hope to do better next year. Merry Christmas to you.
(Harris Street – Natalie’s House)
(Just as the Prime Minister knocks on the door it opens and it appears that Natalie’s whole family is there. They all are wearing coats and are about to leave. They looked surprised to see him on their doorstep.)
Prime Minister: Ah. Hello. Is, er, Natalie in?
Natalie: (coming down the stairs) Oh, where the fuck is my fucking coat? (sees the PM) Oh. Hello.
Prime Minister: Hello.
Natalie: Erm, this is my mum and my dad and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.
Mum: Hello. Very nice to meet you.
Natalie: And, erm... this is the Prime Minister.
Dad: Yes, we can see that, darling. And erm, unfortunately, we're very late.
Mum: It's the school Christmas concert, you see, David. All the local schools have joined together, even St Basil's...
Natalie: Too much detail, Mum.
Dad: Anyway, how can we help, sir?
Prime Minister: Well, I... just needed Natalie...on some state business.
Mum: Right, yes. Of course. Right, er...Well, perhaps you should come on later, Plumpy.
Prime Minister: Er, Natalie. I don't want to make you late for the concert.
Natalie: No, it's nothing, really.
Mum: Keith'll be very disappointed.
Natalie: No, really, it doesn't matter.
Mum: The octopus costume's taken me months. Eight is a lot of legs, David.
Prime Minister: Listen, why don't I give you a lift and then we can talk about this state business in the car.
Mum: Lovely, yes. Thank you.
(Prime Minister’s Car)
(He, Natalie, and Keith, (who is dressed in his octopus costume) are in the back of the car.)
Prime Minister: Hold tight, everybody. How far is this place?
Natalie: Just round the corner.
Prime Minister: Ah, right. Well, er... I just wanted to say... thank you for the Christmas card.
Natalie: You're welcome. Look, I'm so sorry about that day. I came in and he slinked towards me and there was a fire and he's the President of the United States and nothing happened, I promise. I just felt like such a fool because... I think about you all the time, actually. And I think you're the man that I really...
Keith: We're here.
Prime Minister: Oh, wow. That really was just round the corner. Er... (Keith climbs over the PM as he gets out of the car in his octopus costume.) Ow! Well, look, I... I think I'd better not come in, you know? Nobody wants some politician stealing the kids' thunder.
Natalie: No, please come. It'll be great.
Prime Minister: No, I'd... I'd better not. But I will be very sorry to drive away from you.
(Natalie smiles as she gets out of the car.)
Natalie: Just give me one second.
(She runs towards the school.)
(Jack and Judy are walking into the school with Judy’s parents.)
Judy’s Dad: Judy's been very mysterious. Where did you two meet?
(Jack and Judy make some mumbling sounds but don’t answer the question.)
(Prime Ministers Car)
(Natalie runs back out.)
Natalie: Come on in. We can watch from backstage.
Prime Minister: OK. Terry, I won't be long.
(He gets out of the car and follows Natalie into the school.)
Prime Minister: Look, this has to be a very secret visit, OK?
Natalie: Don't worry. This was my school. I know my way around. Come on.
(Karen is leading Daisy and Bernie towards the stage when she bumps into the PM.)
Karen: Look, the sheep are ready already and you're not even... Oh, David.
Prime Minister: Ah!
Karen: Oh, how are you?
Prime Minister: Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey. You all right?
Karen: What the hell are you doing here?
Prime Minister: Well, you know...
Karen: We always tell your secretary that these things are going on but it never occurred to me you'd actually turn up.
Prime Minister: I thought it was time I did. I didn't want anyone to see, so I'm gonna hide somewhere. Good luck, Daisy, good luck, Bernie.
Karen: I've never been gladder to see my stupid big brother.
(She hugs him again.)
Prime Minister: Thank you. All right.
(Karen notices Natalie and the PM’s security man.)
Karen: Oh, now. We haven't been introduced.
Prime Minister: Right. Well, this is Gavin.
Karen: Hello, Gavin.
Prime Minister: My copper. And this is Natalie, who's my, erm... who's my, erm, catering manager.
Karen: Catering manager. Watch he keeps his hands off you. 20 years ago, you'd have been his type.
Natalie: I'll be very careful. Don't try something, sir, just because it's Christmas.
Prime Minister: No, seriously.
Karen: Come on. Showtime. Quickly. Look, see you after, yeah?
Prime Minister: Probably.
(Karen and the kids run off towards the stage.)
Natalie: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: It's all right.
Natalie: Come on.
Prime Minister: Right.
(Natalie leads him to the backstage area.)
(The younger children are in the middle of the Nativity Play. They are singing and many of them are dressed up in unusual Nativity costumes.)
Children: (singing) "Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
"Save it for a rainy day
"Catch a falling star And put it in your pocket
"Never let it fade away
"Never let it fade away
"Never let it fade away"
(The older group is now about to give their holiday presentation. One of the teachers is on stage talking to the audience.)
Teacher: Hillier School would now like to present their Christmas number. Lead vocals by ten-year-old Joanna Anderson, backing vocals coordinated by her mother, the great Mrs Jean Anderson. Erm, some of the staff have decided to help out and for this, we ask you to forgive us. Thank you.
(The lights dim and suddenly there is a spotlight on Joanna. She’s a pretty young girl and it’s clear to see why Sam is in love with her. She begins singing “All I Want for Christmas”. She’s quite good. Sam is in the background playing the drums. There are teachers singing background vocals and other kids playing instruments and dancing as Joanna sings the song.)
Joanna: (singing the last verse) All I want for Christmas is you (at this she turns and points at Sam)
(He smiles until she turns and starts pointing at others in the audience.) And you, and you, and you. All I want for Christmas.
(The audience goes wild and she gets a standing ovation. As the curtain drops in the middle of the stage we see the Prime Minister kissing Natalie. They finally look up as the clapping dies down and the audience stares at them.)
Prime Minister: Right. So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.
Natalie: What do we do now?
Prime Minister: Smile. (They both smile.) Little bow. (They give a little wave.) And a wave.
(The audience laughs and smiles. They both head offstage.)
(Karen is talking to some other mothers as Harry waits nearby.)
Karen: Absolutely no idea. I mean, can you imagine? I'll see you later, all right? (waves to them) I'll speak to you. Bye. (walks up to Harry) Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and, come Christmas, gave it to somebody else.
Harry: (realizes that she knows) Oh, Karen...
Karen: Would you wait around to find out... (to other mother) Good night.
Other Mother: Night, darling. Happy Christmas.
Karen: (to Harry) Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace or if it's sex and a necklace or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay? Knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. A classic fool.
Karen: Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me. You've made the life I lead foolish, too. (Notices the children coming and she leaves Harry standing there and goes over to them.) Darling. Ooh, darlings! Oh, you were wonderful. My little lobster, you were so... What is that word? Orange. Come on, I've got treats at home. Dad's coming.
(Daniel comes up to Sam who is waiting for him.)
Daniel: Sammy! Fantastic show! Classic drumming, son.
Sam: Thanks. Plan didn't work, though.
Daniel: Tell her, then.
Sam: Tell her what?
Daniel: That you love her.
Sam: No way. Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better. Sam, you've got nothing to lose and you'll always regret it if you don't. I never told your mum enough. I should have told her every day because she was perfect every day. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over till it's over.
Sam: OK, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
Sam: Just give me one sec.
(Sam runs off.)
Daniel: Yeah. (He turns as he stands up and bumps into a woman who looks just like Claudia Schiffer.) Oh, I'm sorry.
Daniel: That's OK. My fault.
Woman: No, no, really, it wasn't. You're Sam's dad, aren't you?
Daniel: Yeah. Stepdad, actually. Daniel.
Woman: I'm Carol.
(Sam walks back up with his coat on his arm.)
Sam: OK, I'm back. Let's go.
Daniel: Yeah. Well...I hope we'll meet again, Karen.
Carol: Carol. I'll make sure we do.
Daniel: (smiles) Yeah? Good.
(He and Sam turn and walk off.)
Sam: Tell her.
Sam: You know... (makes kissing noises)
Daniel: Don't be such an arse.
Sam: Look, there she is.
Sam: Over there. Oh, no.
(He sees Joanna and her parents driving away.)
Daniel: It's OK, we'll go to the airport. I know a short cut.
(Jamie has arrived at Aurelia’s home. Her father answers the door and Jamie speaks in broken Portuguese. The father and everyone else speaks perfect Portuguese.)
Jamie: (in subtitles) Good evening. Senhor Barros?
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) Sim.
Jamie: (in subtitles) I am here to ask your daughter for her hands in marriage.
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) You want to marry my daughter?
Jamie: (in subtitles) Yes.
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) (to someone in the back of the house) Come here, there is a man at the door. He wants to marry you.
(A rather plump woman comes out of the back and looks at Jamie.)
Aurelia’s Sister: (in subtitles) But I've never seen him before.
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) Who cares?
Aurelia’s Sister: (in subtitles) You're going to sell me to a complete stranger?
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) Sell? Who said sell? I'll pay him.
Jamie: Pardon me. (in subtitles) I'm meaning your other daughter - Aurelia.
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) She's not here - she's at work. I'll take you. You! Stay here.
Aurelia’s Sister: (in subtitles) As if I would. Stupid!
(Aurelia’s father is leading Jamie to where Aurelia works. Her sister and mother are following them. They pass an outdoor café where several people are having dinner.)
Aurelia’s Sister: (in subtitles) Father is about to sell Aurelia as a slave to this Englishman.
(The whole café gets up and follows them.)
Aurelia’s Sister: (in subtitles) You better not say yes, Father.
Aurelia’s Father: (in subtitles) Shut up, Miss Dunkin' Donut 2003.
(London – Airport)
(Daniel and Sam are at a security checkpoint. They run up but the ticket agent stops them.)
Daniel: Look, we're not actually flying.
Ticket Agent: You can't come through.
Daniel: Not even to let the boy say goodbye to the love of his life?
Ticket Agent: No.
Daniel: I'm sorry, Sam.
(The jeweler that Harry was dealing with earlier in the movie walks up.)
Ticket Agent: Boarding pass, sir?
Jeweler: Just a moment, I know I've got it. (Hands the agent his coat.) Would you hang on to that?
(Daniel notices that the jeweler is blocking the agents view of the gate.)
Daniel: Do you want to make a run for it?
Jeweler: (hands the agent his gloves) Hold on to that.
Sam: You think I should?
(Sam sneaks past the agent.)
Jeweler: I must have left them where I was having a cup of coffee.
(He turns and gives Daniel a look and a slight smile.)
(France – Streets)
(The crowd has gotten huge as Jamie heads towards Aurelia’s work.)
Girl: (subtitled) Apparently he is going to kill Aurelia.
Boy: (subtitled) Cool!
(London – Airport)
(Sam has made through another security checkpoint, but this time he set off the alarm and airport security is chasing him. He finally loses them in a crowd and manages to get to Joanna’s gate. There is a security guard talking to the ticket agents but they all get distracted by the TV’s. Billy Mack is on TV playing his song naked, just as he said he would, except for a strategic guitar placement. As soon as the adults turn and look away same makes his move and runs up to the gate.)
(Joanna and her parents turn to look at him.)
Sam: I thought you didn't know my name.
Joanna: (smiles) Course I do.
(The rest of security shows up.)
Sam: Oh, Jesus. Here, I've gotta run.
(Sam is escorted back through security where Daniel is waiting. He gives Daniel a smile. Daniel notices Joanna behind him and nods to Sam. Sam turns as Joanna taps his shoulder. She smiles and gives Sam a quick kiss before running back through the gate. Sam smiles hugely and runs to hug Daniel.)
(France – Aurelia’s Work)
(Everyone speaks in Portuguese unless otherwise noted. The crowd piles into the restaurant.)
Aurelia’s Father: Where is Aurelia?
Bartender: Why should I tell you?
Aurelia’s Father: This man wants to marry her.
Bartender: He can't do that - she's our best waitress.
(Jamie notices Aurelia up on the 2nd level. She notices him as well and comes to the stairs.)
Jamie: Boa noite, Aurelia.
Aurelia: Boa noite, Jamie.
Jamie: Beautiful Aurelia...I've come here with a view to asking you...to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person because I hardly knows you but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.
Aurelia’s Sister: Definitely go for England, girl. You'll meet Prince William - then you can marry him instead.
Daniel: Of course I don't expecting you to be as foolish as me, and of course I prediction you say no... but it's Christmas and I just wanted to... check.
Aurelia’s Sister: Oh, God - say yes, you skinny moron.
Aurelia: (in English) Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question.
Aurelia’s Father: What did you say?
Aurelia: Yes, of course.
(Aurelia comes down the stairs and she and Jamie kiss.)
Jamie: (in English) You learned English?
Aurelia: (in English) Just in cases.
(London – Airport)
(One Month Later)
(Billy arrives and Joe is waiting for him. There is a very attractive woman pushing Billy’s luggage for him.)
Joe: (to woman) Hello, Daisy.
Billy: This one's Greta.
Joe: (smiles) Hello, Greta.
(Jamie and Aurelia arrive and Peter, Juliet, and Mark are there to greet them.)
Jamie: Here she is. This is Aurelia. This is Juliet. This is Peter. Mark, didn't see you there.
Mark: Just thought I'd tag along.
Aurelia: Jamie's friends are so good-Iooking. He never tells me this. I think maybe now I have made the wrong choice, picked wrong Englishman.
Jamie: She can't speak English properly.
(Harry arrives and Karen and the kids are waiting for him.)
Daisy: Dad! Dad!
Harry: Oh, God.
Bernie: Did you get us any presents?
Harry: Matter of fact, I did.
Kids: Thanks, Dad.
Harry: How are you?
Karen: (forcing a smile) I'm fine. I'm fine. Good to have you back. Come on. Home.
(Sam, Daniel, Carol, and her son are waiting for Joanna and her parents to arrive.)
Sam: There she is. (he runs over to the gate to greet her)
(They smiles at each other.)
Daniel: Aw, he should have kissed her.
Carol: No, that's cool.
(Jack and Judy bump into Tony as they are heading to their gate.)
Tony: All right? Hey. What are you two doing here?
(Judy holds up her engagement ring and grins.)
Jack: I might get a shag at last.
Jack: Got to go.
Colin: Yahoo! (Tony looks and Colin comes out of the gate. They hug and Colin gestures behind him.) Now, this is Harriet.
(An extremely attractive woman walks up.)
Harriet: Hi. Really pleased to meet you.
(Tony can’t believe that Colin actually did it.)
Tony: Hello, Harriet.
Harriet: I hope you don't mind, I sort of brought my sister to stay. This is Carla. She's real friendly.
(Carla, who looks just like Denise Richards, walks right up to Tony and hugs him.)
Carla: Hello, you must be Tony. I heard you were gorgeous.
(She kisses him while he’s in shock.)
(The Prime Minister arrives and before he can blink Natalie throws herself into his arms. He catches her and they kiss.)
Prime Minister: God, you weigh a lot.
Natalie: Oh, shut your face.
(They walk off hand in hand, both smiling.)
"God only knows what I'd be without you "God only knows
"God only knows what I'd be without you
"God only knows what I'd be without you "God only knows