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Worst Witch

Transcribed by: Sonja


**Note: This transcription was taken entirely from memory.**

(Cackle Academy of Witchcraft)
(Ms. Hardbroom is wide awake in her room. She snaps her fingers and a closet opens. Inside is her broom. It hops out into her hand. She smiles.)

(Hallway)
(Ms. Hardbroom passes by Ms. Cackle the Headwoman of the school.)
Ms. Hardbroom: Good morning, Ms. Cackle.
Ms. Cackle: Good morning, Ms. Hardbroom. Lovely morning.

(Bell Tower)
(Ms. Hardbroom gets on her broom and flies up to the bell tower. She checks her watch and then proceeds to hit the bell with her wand.)

(Theme Song)
(This song plays over the following scenes.)
Growing up isn't easy
The classroom is a frightening place
(Unsure of this line)
Every day's an uphill climb.
No one grows over night.
Twenty seems light years away
The girl in you grows
But the freckles stay
Growing up isn't easy
Wish the time would hurry by
Will I ever learn to fly?
Growing up isn't easy
Doesn't anyone know why?

(Dormitory)
(Girls climb out of bed and prepare to start their day. All except for one, Mildred Hubble. She finally hears the bell after a few minutes and quickly gets up.)

(Hallway)
(Mildred heads quickly for the Wash Room, but stumbles and grabs a hold of the bell rope, causing it to stop ringing.)

(Bell Tower)
(Ms. Hardbroom realizes what’s happened.)

(Hallway)
Mildred: Oops.
Ms. Hardbroom: (os) Mildred Hubble!!
(Mildred hurries on her way.)

(Ms. Cackle’s Office)
(Ms. Cackle is pouring herself some tea when she hears Ms. Hardbroom. She sighs.)

(Wash Room)
(The other girls are finishing as Mildred enters.)
Maude: Mildred, you’ll be late!

(Hallway)
(The other girls are lined up and ready to head to class, but are waiting on Mildred. She comes down some stairs, dropping her bag along the way. She hurries to the end of the line, but bumps into the last girl causing her to push forward into the girl in front of her. This starts a chain reaction and all the girls fall forward.)
Ms. Hardbroom: Mildred Hubble.

(End Theme Song)

(Hallway)
Maude: Are you nervous about the potion test, Milly?
Mildred: Petrified.
Maude: But you've learned all the spells?
Mildred: I thought so last night. Oh, HB's gonna yell at me, I just know she is!
(Maude holds up a book)
Maude: Better sneak this in with us then.
Mildred: But that's cheating.
Maude: (grins) Right!

(Classroom)
(Ms. Hardbroom is ushering the girls into the room)
Hardbroom: Come along, girls. Come along.
(The girls all come in and sit in their seats.)
Hardbroom: No textbooks, Maude. Either you know it or you don't. You can't fake a potion.
(Maude hands over the book.)
Maude: (to Mildred) She's got three eyes.
Hardbroom: The potion for today is…the laughter potion.
(The girls squeal with delight)
Hardbroom: Work quietly and only with your partner. Two to a cauldron. You have exactly three minutes…you may begin.
Mildred: I never dreamed she'd give us the laughter potion.
Maude: I've never seen her laugh.
Mildred: We're not gonna pass! I just know it.
Maude: No, I know we need toad bolts and lizard eyes.
(They pour some into the cauldron and then Milly takes a look)
Mildred: It's turning pink.
Maude: Good.
Mildred: What color's the others?
Maude: Can't see.
Mildred: I think we need pond weed.
Maude: (excited) That's right! Pond weed gathered at midnight. (picks up a beaker with pond weed in it.) Oh, how much?
Mildred: Just throw in a handful. (Maude does) Oh, two handfuls. (Maude looks unsure but she does) Oh, throw in the lot. (Maude empties the container into the cauldron.)
Hardbroom: You should be finished by now girls. A laughter potion should be made quickly in case it's needed in an emergency. You make take a small sip of the potion to test it. Not too much, we don't want hysterics.
(All the girls take a sip of their potion except for Mildred and Maude)
Mildred: Ethel's is pink! (she looks in the cauldron) Ours is green.
Maude: Well, we can't chicken out now.
(They each take a spoonful out of the cauldron.)
Mildred: Bottoms up.
(The take a sip and grimace at the taste.)
(The other girls are laughing hysterically while Milly and Maude just sit there.)
Maude: I feel really weird.
Mildred: So do I.
Maude: It's like I'm not even there. (she disappears)
Mildred: Me too. (she disappears)
Hardbroom: Cauldron number 2. (she walks over to where M & M have disappeared. ) You seem to have made the wrong spell. (one of the other girls is laughing very loudly) Control yourself, Dawn. (to M & M) Have you any idea what you did wrong, Mildred?
Maude: It was my fault, Ms. Hardbroom.
Mildred: No, it was my fault.
Hardbroom: Don't care who's fault it was. Sit still until you re-appear!
Both: Yes, Ms. Hardbroom.
Hardbroom: Now you Mildred Hubble will go straight to Ms. Cackle's office and explain exactly why you have failed your potion test so miserably. (claps hands) Class dismissed. (leaves)
(All the other girls are still laughing as they file out of the room. Maude kicks Ethel in the butt as she leaves but Ethel can't see her. Maude goes back over to her seat and sits down. After a minute Maude and Mildred's heads appear in mid-air.)
Mildred: I'm sorry Maude.
Maude: Oh, it wasn't your fault anyway.
Mildred: Yes it was. It was the pond weed that messed everything up. I didn't gather it at midnight. It was sort of after midnight.
Maude: Oh Mildred…
Mildred: Sorry.
(A pair of boots with the laces undone wanders over to them and sits below Maude. Another pair of boots comes over with the laces done and sits below Mildred.)
Maude: Your boots or mine?
Mildred: Must be mine, laces are undone. Lets' swap. My boots come over here.
(The boots trade places and the rest of their bodies become visible.)
Mildred: That is a remarkable spell.
Maude: If only we knew how we did it. It would be one of those stories. You know, the one's we'd tell our grandchildren.
Mildred: If I live to have any. (laughs)
(Maude joins in and they giggle together)

(Ms. Cackle's office)
(The phone rings just as Mildred arrives.)
Ms. Cackle: (into phone) Hello? (sees Mildred) Oh, come in, come in. (into phone) No, no, not you Donna. (laughs) Hello! (to Mildred) Ah, sit where you like Mildred. (points) There! (into phone) What? (to Mildred) She's just got a phone installed on her broom and she showing off of it. (into phone) What? Yes, I'll expect you any moment. Good bye, Donna. (hangs up) (to Mildred) That was my niece, Donna. Now, Mildred, what can I do for you?
Mildred: Ms. Hardbroom sent me.
Ms. Cackle: Oh, dear. What happened this time?
Mildred: I made the wrong potion.
Ms. Cackle: And?
Mildred: Instead of laughing…I disappeared.
Ms. Cackle: Oh dear, Mildred. Oh, dear, dear, dear. You must be the worst witch in the entire school. My words seem to go in one ear and out the other.
Mildred: I do try, Ms. Cackle. It's just that everything always goes wrong.
Ms. Cackle: I understand, dear, but you've got to apply yourself better. If you don't pass your first term exams you'll never get your witches junior certificate.
Mildred: I'll try harder.
Ms. Cackle: Please do. I don't want to see you in here again.
Mildred: You won't.
Ms. Cackle: Good. (gets up and walks over to Mildred) Now, was I nasty enough for you?
Mildred: Yes.
Ms. Cackle: Now run along Mildred, and do remember what I said.
(A loud crash)
Ms. Cackle: Oh! Donna's arrived. She'll be 136 next month, and she still acts like a teenager. Oh, dear, dear.

(Hallway)
(Donna is talking on a phone that’s attached to her broom.) Donna: (on phone) I had a little accident, but I'm okay. Bye. (hangs up) Hey auntie, sorry about the window.
Girl: Who is it?
Girl 2: It's Donna, Ms. Cackle's niece.
Ms. Cackle: All right girls, back to your studies. Mildred, run along. My Donna.

(Dorm Room – Night)
(All the girls except Mildred and Maude are asleep. There is one candle burning.)
Mildred: Maude?
Maude: Yes?
Mildred: Can I talk to you?
Maude: Yes.
Mildred: I've got a problem.
Maude: What problem? Specifically.
Mildred: I just think I'll never make it as a witch.
Maude: Oh, Mil, don't worry. It's only your first year here.
Mildred: Ms. Hardbroom hates me.
Maude: Ms. Hardbroom hates everyone.
Mildred: I heard that she was once madly in love with the chief wizard.
Maude: Yeah, but a prettier witch cast a spell over him, and every time he looked at HB he thought she was a slimy frog.
Mildred: Imagine kissing that.
Maude: Imagine kissing HB.
(Hardbroom appears suddenly)
Hardbroom: Is that so?
Mildred & Maude: Ahh!
Hardbroom: I should think after your disastrous performances today, you should hardly be spreading disgusting gossip about matters which do not concern you.
Mildred: Yes, Ms. Hardbroom.
Hardbroom: And you had both better pay much more attention to your studies, if you ever hope to graduate from this institution. The finest witches academy in the world.
Both: Yes, Ms. Hardbroom.
Hardbroom: Now get back to bed.
(They both hop into their respective beds and get under the covers. Hardbroom walks over to the candle.)
Hardbroom: Pleasant nightmares. (She blows out the candle and leaves.)
Mildred: Maude?
Maude: Go to sleep.
Mildred: I can't.
Maude: Why not?
Mildred: I'm afraid of the dark.

(Great Hall – Morning)
(All the girls are gathered for an assembly)
Ms. Cackle: Good morning girls.
Girls: Good morning, Ms. Cackle.
Ms. Cackle: Begin Ms. Bat.
(Ms. Bat begins playing the school song on the organ and the girls and teachers sing along.)

(Outside)
Agatha: Do you hear that? (bangs on the wall) How dare they! They've changed my school song.
Delilah: Don't worry mistress Agatha, soon it will all be yours, all of it. (laughs)
Agatha: It was mine, by birth mine, before my sister stole it. I was always mom's favorite, always jealous of me. What do I care, I hate her. Oooh. Come on.
Girl: Come on, Mil!
(They turn to leave and run into Mildred and 2 other girls. Mildred and the other girls are late for assembly, they quickly get up and rush to the doors to get into the great hall.)
Mildred: Oh! I'm so sorry! We're late for assembly.

(Great Hall)
(The girls manage to sneak into their spots without much ado. Only Ms. Hardbroom notices them.)
Ms. Cackle: That was terrific singing girls. And now I have a wonderful surprise for you. The special guest for our Halloween celebration this year is to be…are you ready? The Grand Wizard.
Girls: (Yell with excitement)
Ms. Cackle: Yes, yes, 'tis very exciting. But we've got a lot to do before then. (to Ms. Hardbroom) Ah, exactly what is it we have to do?
Hardbroom: Announcements.
Ms. Cackle: Oh yes, announcements.

(Outside)
Agatha: Oh! We got here just in nick of time. I mean, did you seem them? They're barely witches at all. Wait 'til I get my hands on 'em. (laughs)
(Delilah joins in and they both laugh.)

(Great Hall)
Ms. Cackle: Ms. Hardbroom would like me to remind you that there is absolutely no flying in the corridor. Now, we have…(she drops her handkerchief over the balcony but apparates down into the hall to catch it before it hits the ground. All the girls are surprised.) According to tradition we present to each of the first year girls, her very own kitten. There was a time, when I was a girl, when witches were persecuted, reviled, and burned at the stake. (turns to look at a portrait on the wall) It was Madlevana Cackle, my mother, who had the courage to fight for the formal education of witches. She was the first witches liber…
Hardbroom: (apparates behind her) Ahem!
Ms. Cackle: Oh, must get to the point. The kittens…the kittens. (She walks over to the basket and notices that Ms. Hardbroom once again apparates behind her.) Hmmm. I'm pleased to present the very first kitten to the girl who has received the greatest number of merit points and achieved the highest grades on all her subjects so far, Ethel Hallow.
Mildred: Pity the kitty.
Maude: Lecherous witch kisser.
(Ethel collects her kitten and goes back to her spot.)
Ms. Cackle: And now, for the rest of the first years…Dawn…

(Wooded Glade)
Agatha: Now's the time to execute the plan.
Delilah: What plan, mistress?
Agatha: We only got one plan dingbat.
Delilah: Oh! The take over the school plan?
Agatha: Yes, that plan. (rolls her eyes.) By the end of the week they'll be preparing for their Halloween celebration and that's when we attack!
Delilah: Attack! Mmmm, how exciting.
Agatha: Attack. We'll trap Cackle and Hardbroom like rats. We'll turn all those cute little girls into mean, horrible, cruel little witches. (laughs) And I'll bring back my school song. (laughs more) Beat on it Delilah!
(Agatha begins to sing.)
(Song – My little School)
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf
Dropped it to the bottomless gulf.
Venomous viper come to us.
Covered with evil, ooze, and pus.
We just love the wicked and worst
Of all nature's things
They come first!
So if you're filthy
(filthy)
Smelly!
(smelly)
Evil, Wicked, and Cruel
(evil, wicked, and cruel)
You'll be right at home
(you'll be right at home)
In my little school
(Queen Aggie's School)
My little school.
(Queen Aggie's School)
We had fun when other worked
(Others worked)
Especially where bad things lurk
(Bad things lurk)
All day long we frolicked and played
Turning people into clay
Anyone that we still hate
(Ooooh Ahhhh)
We pickle and serve 'em on a plate
(We serve them on a plate)
So if you're filthy
(filthy)
Smelly
(smelly)
Evil Wicked and Cruel
(evil, wicked, and cruel)
You'll be right at home
(you'll be right at home)
In my little school
Come on everybody sing!
Filthy
(filthy)
Smelly
(smelly)
Evil Wicked and Cruel
(evil, wicked, and cruel)
You'll be right at home
(you'll be right at home)
In my little school
(queen Aggie's school)
My little school
(Queen Aggie's school)
Mine.
(School)
Mine.
(School)
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
Yeah.

(Great Hall)
Ms. Cackle: Natalie…Maude…Mildred…oh, I'm so sorry dear, we've run out of black ones. (the cat she gives Mildred is gray and white) We could paint him…her.
Mildred: Oh, no…she's so sweet.
Ms. Cackle: Now it's time for the first years to take their kittens and train them to balance on their broomsticks.

(Courtyard)
Maude: I'm calling mine 'Midnight', what are you going to call yours?
Mildred: Blacky.
Maude: How can you call it Blacky?
Mildred: Because it isn't.
Maude: Awww…it might get a complex.
Mildred: Yeah. Oh well, I'll call it Tabby then.
Girl: Look at Pixie isn't she cute.
Girl 2: Have you seen Ms. Spellbinder?
Girl 3: Not yet.
Dawn: Ethel you are good.
Maude: Doesn't Ethel Hallow make you sick?
Mildred: Yeah. Just like her to be the first one to get her kitten to ride. There. Here we go Tabby.
Dawn: Look Ethel, Mildred's got her kitten in her satchel.
Girl 3: Oh look, here she comes. (meaning Ms. Spellbinder)
(Mildred lands and Ethel walks over to her)
Ethel: You cheated! I'll tell on you. (walks over to Ms. Spellbinder)
Ms. Spellbinder: All right girls, that's enough.
Ethel: Please, Ms. Spellbinder, Mildred Hubble was cheating. Her kitten was riding in her satchel.
Ms. Spellbinder: Mildred, come over here. Mildred, the kittens are supposed to ride on the brooms.
Mildred: I know, Ms. Spellbinder, it's just that Tabby finds it so difficult.
Ms. Spellbinder: Of course it's difficult. That's why we're here, to learn. However, for the time being your kitten is aloud to ride in your satchel.
(Ethel looks PO'd while Mildred looks smug.)
Ms. Spellbinder: (to everyone) Watch me, please. Today we are going to finish our flying lessons. Give her a tap, and off we go.
(All the girls oooh and ahhh while Ms. Spellbinder does some nifty flying. Soon enough she lands.)
Ms. Spellbinder: All right, all right, all right. Now let's see what you can do. Prepare to mount. Heads high, eyes bright, and off you go.
Maude: You made it, Mil, you're up.
Mildred: Amazing isn't it. I feel right at home.
Ms. Spellbinder: (on ground) Excellent work, girls. You've all improved. Well done.
(Tabby sneezes)
Mildred: Are you all right, Tabby….whoa! (the broom goes out of control) Don't panic, Tabby. Witchy broom what is the matter?
Maude: Look out!
(Mildred crashes into the bell tower. As she struggles her foot kicks the bell.)
Ms. Spellbinder: Ah, there's the bell. Class dismissed.
Mildred: Whoa!
(She finally ends up crashing into a tree, and her broom gets broken in half.)
Mildred: Don't worry, witchy broom, we'll soon get you mended.

(Ms. Cackle's office)
(Ms. Hardbroom has been looking out the window and has seen everything.)
Hardbroom: I think we're going to have problems with that one.
Ms. Cackle: Ah, which one?
Hardbroom: Mildred Hubble. She's a basket case.
Ms. Cackle: Hmmmm. What about the rest of the first years?
Hardbroom: The usual mixture. The Hallow family seems to have come up with another winner.
Ms. Cackle: Oh? Which one this time?
Hardbroom: Ethel. She's obviously going to be top in everything, just like her sisters.
Ms. Cackle: (looking at a ledger) Broomsticks up again? (to Hardbroom) There's a funny thing about that Hallow family. I never cared for them much. That Mrs. Hallow…such a pushy witch.
Hardbroom: At least she has something to push. Ethel Hallow shows promise. Mildred Hubble…anything but.
Ms. Cackle: Oh give the girl a chance, Hardbroom. It's only her first term.
Hardbroom: I have a nose for trouble, Cackle. Mark my words, Mildred Hubble will never graduate as a witch from this academy. (leaves)

(Lunchroom)
(Mildred and Maude are looking at a portrait of the Grand Wizard.)
Maude: Oh, I think I'm in love.
Mildred: He makes me feel all squishy inside. (they giggle) Don't you ever worry that you're just not cut out to be a witch?
Maude: Oh, no. My family were all witches. I never doubted for a moment that I'd be one too. Stop worrying, it only makes things worse.
Mildred: I don't worry, I question. My mother always wanted to be a witch. But she didn't have the gift. It's not that I want to be the best. I'm just so tired of being the worst.
Maude: Don't look so gloomy. You're doing fine, really you are.
(They sit at a table with Ethel and her friends.)
Ethel: Oh look out girls, it's Mildred, the disaster area.
Maude: (to Mildred) Don't listen to her. (to Ethel) You shut up Ethel Hallow.
(Ethel and her friends laugh, then while Maude isn't looking Ethel throws a piece of bread into her water.)
Maude: Who threw that?
Ethel: Mildred Hubble, you messy little witch. I've got a three year old brother who's neater than you.
Maude: Oh, shut up Ethel. (to Mildred) Do you want some more blood juice, Mil?
Mildred: Yes, please.
(Maude goes over to another table gets a pitcher of water and comes back. As she does Mildred gets up suddenly and bumps into her, knocking another girl off the bench and spilling water everywhere. Mildred looks down at the girl on the floor and the girl holds up a hand that looks like it's covered in blood.)
Mildred: Oh my goodness! She's bleeding! Oh my goodness! She's bleeding, she's bleeding!
(Maude reaches for the end of the table and holds up an open container of ketchup. Mildred looks sheepish.)
Ethel: Mildred Hubble, the disaster area. (laughs)
(Pretty soon the entire lunchroom is laughing.)

(Library)
(The girls are picking teams to play Terror Tag.)
Ethel: Natalie.
Blue Team Leader: Gloria.
Ethel: Ferity.
Blue Team Leader: Misty.
Ethel: Spinner.
Blue Team Leader: Maude.
(Ethel goes over to the only two remaining girls, Mildred and Bubbles.)
Ethel: You're sure you know how to play Terror Tag?
Mildred: Everyone knows how to play Terror Tag.
Ethel: You're not everyone.
Blue Team Leader: Hurry up, Ethel.
Prefect: Hurry up, Ethel. Choose. We haven't got all day.
Ethel: All right, I choose…Bubbles.
Blue Team Leader: Mildred.
Prefect: Your rules to the game is to try and scare the other girls.
All: We know, we know.
Prefect: I shall keep the score. Every girl you make scream counts as one point for your team. Right? Red's off you go, Blue's start counting.
(The Red Team goes off to hide while the Blue Team counts to 20.)
Blue Team Leader: Okay Blues, spread out, and good luck.

(Stairway)
(Mildred and Maude are going up the stairs. Maude makes a face and when Mildred looks at her she yells.)
Mildred: Ahh!

(Library)
Prefect: That was Mildred Hubble. A point to the Red's.

(Stairway)
Mildred: Why did you do that?
Maude: I was only practicing, dumb dumb.
(The laugh)
(As they climb the stairs again the both look up and Mildred yells again.)

(Library)
Prefect: Mildred Hubble again.
(The game goes on for a while as the girls scare each other. After a bit one of the red team wanders into the library to check out the score)
Girl: What's the score? 6-6. Great!
(A blue team member comes out from behind some books and scares her, and she yells.)
Prefect: A point to the blue's.
Girl: Oooh! (goes to leave) Sorry.

(Bathroom)
(Mildred sneaks up on a red team member who appears to be washing her hair.)
Mildred: Boo!
(The girls gets up and removes the towel and she's wearing a mask.)
Girl: Rrraaaw!!!
(Mildred screams continually until the red team has won all possible points. The girl in the mask removes it and its Ethel. She hides the mask under a towel in the bathroom and follows Mildred out into the hallway.)
Mildred: You cheated! You cheated! You cheated!

(Library)
Prefect: (blows whistle) Final score, Red's 14, Blue's 7.

(Hallway)
Mildred: You cheated!
(All the other girls come out of hiding. The reds are excited that they won.)
Maude: Mil, what's the matter?
Mildred: She cheated, she wore a mask.
Ethel: What mask? (goes to stand with the other girls) Oh, you're such a bad loser.
Mildred: You better watch out, Ethel.
Ethel: Watch out? Is that a threat?
Mildred: You better shut up, or I'll…I'll…
Ethel: You'll what?
Mildred: Or I'll turn you into a frog.
Ethel: A frog? You…turn me…(laughs, and the other girls on the red team join her) You don't even know the beginners spell's let alone one's like that. No, you're just like that ridiculous kitten of yours, a total misfit. Go on then, turn me into a frog, I dare you.
Maude: Come on, Mil, you can do it.
Ethel: What you waiting for, smarty pants?
Mildred: Munga Munga munga moose. Fingus, fingus, finga voo Mephastopholis Mrs. Magoo.
Ethel: What're you waiting for?
Mildred: Double trouble I'm not through. Um, tum, ugly face a goblin's peer.
Ethel: Pathetic.
(Mildred glares at her.)
Mildred: Ethel Hallow will disappear. To croak and swim in yonder bog…Ethel Hallow is now a frog.
(The girls all look around and Ethel has disappeared.)
Girls: It worked!
Girl: Not quite…look!
(She points and they all look down to see that Ethel has been turned into a pig.)
Girl 2: Good grief, Ethel, is that you?
Ethel Pig: Of course it is stupid.
Girl: It looks like Ethel.
Girl 3: It sounds like Ethel.
Ethel: I'll get you back for this Mildred Hubble, just you wait.
Ethel: I didn't mean to turn you into a pig. I meant to turn you into a…I didn't think I could do it at all.
Maude: It serves you right Ethel. Always picking on poor Mildred, showing off. It serves you right.
Ethel Pig: Turn me back, come on!
Mildred: Ethel was she wa alente…no, it's no use Ethel I can't.
(All the girls laugh.)
Ethel Pig: You idiot!
(Ms. Hardbroom suddenly arrives.)
Hardbroom: What is this animal doing here? And where is Ethel?
Ethel Pig: I am Ethel. Mildred Hubble (snort) turned me into a pig.
Hardbroom: Really?
Mildred: I didn't mean to turn her into a pig.
Ethel Pig: She did.
Hardbroom: Well, Mildred…
Ethel Pig: Please, Ms. Hardbroom, make her turn me back.
Hardbroom: Stop snorting, Ethel. Well, this should be a learning experience for us all. Turn her back.
Mildred: I don't know how.
Hardbroom: Don't know how?
Mildred: Well, I tried saying the spell backwards…but it…it didn't work.
Hardbroom: Of course not. Anybody could be a witch if that's what it took. A witch must be in control of her magic at the peak of her potensy. I suggest you go to the library and look up reversal spells, and that um…
Ethel Pig: Ethel.
Hardbroom: …Ethel with you. And on the way tell Ms. Bat she will be late for chanting class. (leaves)
Mildred: Come on Ethel.
All: Bye Ethel. (they run of laughing)

(Hallway outside Ms. Bat's classroom)
Ethel Pig: Mildred Hubble, I told you Ms. Bat was down here.
(Mildred goes to the classroom door.)
Ms. Bat: Yes, Mildred, what is it?
Mildred: Oh, Ms. Bat, Ms Hardbroom told me to tell you that Ethel will be…late for chanting class.
Ms. Bat: All right, Mildred, off you go.
(Her students start laughing )
Mildred: Sorry, Ms. Bat. (goes back into Hallway) They weren't laughing at you, you know. It was just that they didn't expect to see a pig.
Ethel Pig: I don't believe you. There was something else as well, wasn't there?
Mildred: Well…(under her breath) the smell kind of upset them too.
Ethel Pig: How dare you say I smell!
Mildred: Oh, I'm sorry Ethel. I didn't mean that you smell. I just mean that…well, you know…pigs smell.
Ethel Pig: I think you're horrid.
Mildred: I'm sorry.
Ethel Pig: I'm really upset now.
Mildred: Don't be so sensitive.
Ethel Pig: It's all real well for you to say that, you're used to people making fun of you.
Mildred: Ethel, I know how you must feel. But, please, don't be so sensitive.

(Library)
Ethel Pig: It's the reversal spell. Come on! Find the reversal spell, idiot!
Girl: Shhh!
Ethel Pig: Shhh, yourself.
Ms. Spellbinder: Shh! Be quiet, please.
Ethel Pig: (snort) Oops.
Ms. Spellbinder: And who is this?
Mildred: Ethel Hallow, Ms. Spellbinder.
Ms. Spellbinder: Oh. (leaves)
Ethel Pig: I'm going to get you.
Mildred: This is all your fault, not mine.
Ethel Pig: Get on with it.
Mildred: It's no good getting so cross, Ethel.
Ethel Pig: Well get a move on then.
Mildred: (sigh)
Ethel Pig: Have you got the right page?
Mildred: Here it is, here it is. Humble bumble stumble tumble. Snai-snickity. Snack snickity snack.
Ethel Pig: Hurry up.
Mildred: Hurry up yourself. Abracadabra Yackety yak. Moon stars mist and sun. Gazinga Gazunga my spells undone.
Ethel Pig: Oh, it hasn't worked.
Mildred: You're boots have come back. And your eyes are coming back. You're coming back Ethel.
Ethel Pig: But I'm not. I'm feeling rather strange. What's happening, what's happening. (she turns fully into a human) (yelling) You better stop this Mildred Hubble. My father's on the board of wizards, a member of scrying skeletons, I'm gonna tell him what you did.
Mildred: I said I was sorry.
Ethel: Sorry! It's going to take more than strife to get you off the hook.
Ms. Spellbinder: I see your back, Ethel. That's an improvement…I think.
(Ethel gets down off the table and she and Mildred glare at each other before she leaves.)

(Classroom)
(The girls are passing around a picture of the Grand Wizard.)
Ethel: Mildred! Give it back.
(Mildred passes it to Maude.)
Ethel: Bubbles. Come on, give it back. Quick!
(A girl takes the picture and walks up the aisle towards Ethel.)
Girl: Oh, isn't he lovely.
(Ms. Hardbroom walks in and grabs the picture from her.)
Hardbroom: Give me that! Go back to your seat. We will all have our chance to meet the Grand Wizard. Oh, I must sit down for a moment. Have you any idea how many invitations the Grand Wizard receives on Halloween? We are the envy of every witches academy in the world. Now, our class has been selected to present the Broomstick Display.
(The girls all get very excited.)
Hardbroom: We shall begin with each of you sinking and rising in an undulating serpentine formation. Then we shall move seamlessly into a large 'V'. Reminiscent of wild geese in flight. Our demonstration will proceed to a dramatic series of nose dives where we will swoop down and pull up our broomsticks a split second before hitting the ground. Finally, we will fly in a graceful, I repeat graceful Mildred, circle broomstick to broomstick. Tryouts on Friday, after school. The best eight fliers will be selected. And Mildred, (she looks up) you will have to radically improve to be even considered for the team.
(Mildred looks upset as Hardbroom leaves the room.)
Maude: We've got time to practice, we'll show them.

(Bathroom)
Girl: Where's Milly and Maude?
Girl 2: They got up early to practice the loop de loop.
Girl: Well at least HB can't say old clumsy clumsy isn't trying.
Ethel: Ha!

(Hallway)
(It's after school on Friday and all the girls are getting their brooms out of their lockers.)
Maude: Good luck, Mil.
Mildred: Good luck.

(Courtyard)
(All the girls are trying out and Ms. Hardbroom is judging them while Ms. Spellbinder write down the scores. Most of the girls range from a 6 to 7, while Ethel gets a 10. Ms. Hardbroom notices one flyer in particular.)
Hardbroom: That's very good. Who's that? (sees that it's Mildred) Oh, Mildred Hubble, 4. I'll go up and watch the horizon flyers, you watch the court angle.

(Library)
Hardbroom: The following flyers have been selected to for Cackle Academies Broomstick Formation Team. (reverent) Ethel Hallow. (Ethel steps forward) (normal tone) Maude Warlock, Dawn Undercover, Sophie Hattrick, Natalie Sinister, Julie Vanishing, (?), Zoe Chant Vestre. For those of you not selected better luck next year. Where is Zoe Chant Vestre?
Dawn: Please, Ms. Hardbroom, she's in the infirmary.
Ethel: Ms. Cackle says she's been at the laughter potion again.
Hardbroom: Indeed. Well, let's see who will take her place.
Mildred: (quietly) Please let her pick me, oh please, please.
Hardbroom: Mildred Hubble.
Mildred: (surprised) Thank you Ms. Hardbroom.
Hardbroom: This is a great responsibility Mildred, but your hard work and dedication have not gone unnoticed. I am trusting you…just a minute! What's that string doing in the middle of your broomstick?
Mildred: Ah, an accident, it broke.
Hardbroom: Then use your spare.
Mildred: This is the only one I have.
Ethel: Ah, Ms. Hardbroom, I have a spare broom. Mildred can borrow it. It's a very obedient broom.
(Dawn looks at Ethel like she's lost her mind)
Hardbroom: Thank you Ethel. Run along and fetch it.
Ethel: It was a birthday present.
Hardbroom: (to Ms. Spellbinder) Such fine school spirit.
(Ms. Spellbinder nods.)

(Hallway)
(Ethel goes to her locker. Her cat is sitting on top of it and hisses at her.)
Ethel: It's just me, stupid.
(She opens her locker and takes out a broom.)
Ethel: Now we're gonna fix Mildred Hubble once and for all. Fire and delebaster. Drummy canaster. When I say faster, I order disaster.

(Halloween Night)
(Bathroom)
Girl: It's Halloween at last. Oh, I thought it would never come.
Girl 2: Me neither.
Twin 1: You're hair looks really great.
Twin 2: That's because I used this super slime rinse. Go on, try some.
Girl 3: Can I borrow your scud cream?
Girl 4: If I can borrow the toad oil.
Maude: I really worry about my nose. I mean, do you ever think it'll get huge and sexy, just like this one.
(Puts on a fake nose that's huge and has a wart on it. Mildred does likewise.)
Mildred: Hey! How do people with noses like this ever kiss?
Maude: (pause) They don't. (they laugh)
Ethel: (to Mildred) Here's your broom. Remember I got it for a birthday present.
Mildred: Thank you, Ethel. That's very kind of you.
Ethel: Not at all.
Mildred: I'll take very good care of it.
Ethel: And it'll take very good care of you.

(Outside)
(Everyone is dressed in their best and are awaiting the arrival of the Grand Wizard)
Mildred: Where is he?
Maude: You know wizards, they're always late.
Hardbroom: Stop talking!
Ms. Cackle: Wonderful night! I do wish my niece Donna wouldn't be so…flashy.
Donna: (to Ms. Spellbinder) Do you think big daddy Wiz will like the rack?
Ms. Spellbinder: No.
Girl: There he is!
Girl 2: It's him at last.
Mildred: Yes, I can see him.
(The Grand Wizard arrives and lands on the stage.)
Grand Wizard: It's great to be here, with you young witches, on this fabulous night. Show the world, girls. Let them know it's Halloween. Hit it!
(Song – Halloween)
I wouldn't change places
With anyone tonight
We'll carve pumpkin faces
And watch the witches flight
Every human heart will shudder
Every soul will shake with fear
Tonight, the creepiest
Tonight, the scariest
Tonight, the most wonderful night
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your dog could turn into a cat
There may be a toad in your bass guitar
Or your sister could turn into a bat
Christmas time brings the snow
Summer time brings the sun
But on Halloween your blood begins to run
Something's moving going down now
Anything can happen on Halloween
It's better than a video
Gremlins gonna mess up every cassette
From London to Idaho
April first can be fun
New Year's Eve is a ball
But on Halloween your flesh begins to crawl
Oh, I'm losing control
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine
Your dentist could turn into a queen.
Has anybody seen my tambourine
I may start playing
Begin the begin
The craziest night you've ever seen
This hairy, scary, creepy, crawly,
Halloween.
(He ends the song and all the girls jump and cheer)
Grand Wizard: Well. And what have you concocted for us this year, Ms. Cackle?
Ms. Cackle: Welcome, welcome oh Grand Wizard. I am deeply honored, uh, your honor, uh, we're going to start with the broomstick formation.
Grand Wizard: Let it begin.
(Hardbroom claps her hands.)
Ethel: Right girls, mount!
Grand Wizard: (to Hardbroom) Oh, uh, Ms. Hardbroom?
Hardbroom: Yes, Grand Wizard?
Grand Wizard: (smiles) Your girls…I love it…let's get this show on the road.
Hardbroom: (smiles) Yes, Grand Wizard.
(Hardbroom nods at Ethel and the girls take off.)
(They do the broomstick formations quite well.)
Donna: They could do with some more broom power.

(In the air)
Ethel: Faster!
(Mildred's borrowed broom starts to go crazy. All of the girls crash in one point or another. Mildred is the last to come down.)

(Ground)
(Mildred crashes right in front of Ms. Cackle, Ms. Hardbroom, and the Grand Wizard.)
Mildred: Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know how it happened.
Hardbroom: I was a fool to trust you. You abominable child, Mildred. Get out of my site.
Mildred: I know what you're thinking…
Ms. Cackle: You are to return to school at once, go to bed without supper, and I'll see you in my office tomorrow at noon. Please go!
(Mildred leaves)
Ms. Cackle: Oh, this is terrible, terrible. Grand Wizard, I don't know what to say.
Grand Wizard: If these are the witches of the future, I hate to think what the future will bring. What is this generation coming to? I've got to split. I've got another gig…(takes off)
Ms. Cackle: But we've prepared a wonderful feast for you…

(The Next Morning)
(Dorm Room)
(Mildred is in bed holding Tabby. She is crying.)
Mildred: I should have known Ethel would put a curse on that broomstick, but how can I prove it? They'll just think it was my usual clumsy self. And Ms. Cackle, she's just got to expel me now, she's got to. Well, Tabby, we have no choice, we've got to run away.
(She gathers her things and leaves. As she takes off on her broom outside Maude wakes and up and sees her out the window. Maude looks sadly down at her bedcovers.)

(In the Air)
(Mildred flies around for a while then hears something in the woods.)
Mildred: Do you hear that? They're over there. (sees something in the woods) Yeah, you see 'em too, Tabby.

(Woods)
(She lands and hides. She can see Agatha and her cronies working a spell.)
Agatha: A hit of bazil, a pinch of roo. Six lizard tongues….four, five, siz, and we'll be through.
Mildred: (hiding) Ms. Cackle? It can't be. What is she wearing?
Agatha: We'll turn all those good little girls into toads, and put 'em in here. We'll trap Cackle and Hardbroom like rats. We must get them all!
Mildred: Oh no, they're planning to take over the entire school and turn everybody into toads. There's got to be a counter spell here somewhere, Tabby.
Agatha: Ahhh, I can hardly wait. In a few precious hours it'll all be mine. The school and everyone in it will be under my spell. Ha ha. (pauses and sniffs the air.) (to Delilah) Sniff. (they both sniff) There is a stranger in our midst.
Mildred: Yes, here. I'll turn them into snails. Snails, yes! (she stands up) Ish ca bibble, Ish ca boo.
Agatha: There she is. Intruder!
Delilah: Shall we poke out her eyes?
Agatha: No. Leave her to me.
(She heads over to where Mildred is standing.)
Agatha: Come on!
Delilah: Come on! We're coming to get you, ah ha!
(They get right in front of Mildred.)
Agatha: Tell me little girl, how'd you like to be a two headed cockroach? (points fingers at Mildred) Mildred: Ah, ah! (nothing happens)
Agatha: Ah, well, a slimy earthworm would be better.
Delilah: No. Let's soften her up with buck shuts, Mistress Aggie. Bring it about!
(Agatha fires buck shots at Mildred. Mildred dodges.)
Mildred: Snake weed and ivy, puppy dog tails, turn these witches into…snails!
(She opens her eyes and all the bad witches have been turned into snails indeed. She's thrilled. She picks up the box that Agatha dropped and puts the snails in it. Then she heads back to school.)

(Cackle Academy – Hallway)
(Mildred is trying to sneak back to her room but Hardbroom catches her.)
Hardbroom: Leaving the school without permission is a very serious offense indeed. (takes Mildred off to Ms. Cackles office.)
(Ethel watches them go.)
Ethel: Ha. (sing-song) Mildred's going to get it, right between the eyes.
Maude: What are you so happy about?
Ethel: My broomstick, it did the trick.
Maude: What are you talking about?
Ethel: She just couldn't handle it. Never mind.
Maude: Handle what?
Ethel Never mind.
Maude: You put a curse on her. It was you all along. You've always picked on poor Mildred but this time you've ruined it for all of us.
Ethel: I don't know what you're…
Maude: You evil hearted, mean spirited, no good rotten pig!

(Ms. Cackle's office)
Ms. Cackle: Oh! This is very serious Mildred. You know you're not allowed off of school grounds without permission.
Mildred: Yes! But let me explain.
Hardbroom: She must be expelled!
Ms. Cackle: Let the child speak.
Hardbroom: Well?
Mildred: The witches on the other side of the mountain were planning to take over the entire school and turn everybody into toads. (smiles) But I turned them into snails.
Hardbroom: You? Come now, Mildred. After last nights fiasco how can you expect us to believe that?
Mildred: Because it's true. And the leader looked just like you Ms. Cackle, only…only kind of ugly.
Ms. Cackle: Did she have a name?
Mildred: (nods) Someone called her Aggie.
Ms. Cackle: I think she's telling the truth. Sounds just like my wicked twin sister. May I have the box? (Mildred gives it to her.) Well, well, well, Aggie. I wonder which one of the beauties you are.
Hardbroom: Ask her to step forward.
Ms. Cackle: Oh, she'll never do that. Even as a child she was never wrong.
Hardbroom: Then she must remain a snail.
Ms. Cackle: You hear that, Aggie? Now, step forward.
(One snail moves forward.)
Ms. Cackle: Oh Aggie. Look at you, crawling on your gummy. That's what you get for your evil ways. Hmmm…why don't you change them back Mildred?
Mildred: Me? I'm not sure I can.
Ms. Cackle: Of course you can, dear.
Hardbroom: Of course you can…dear. (Ms. Cackle looks at her oddly) I've been quite hard on you, Mildred. But I wouldn't have troubled if I hadn't always thought you had potential.
Mildred: Very well then. I'll give it a try. Um tum noodles and nags, turn those snailies back to hags!
(All the snails become witches again.)
Agatha: Help me down from here you fools! I won't forget this sister, you've humiliated me for the last time. (sees Mildred) And you. How dare you ruin it all? What sort of pipsquick like you, could crush so wicked witches, Ahhh. Well get you for this.
(Ms. Cackle blows her whistle.)
Ms. Cackle: Shut up!
Agatha: Shut up, Delilah.
Delilah: Shut up, Delilah.
Ms. Cackle: (to Mildred) You must be very tired dear. Why don't you run along and get some rest. (Mildred nods and then leaves.) (to Agatha) Now what in the name of Halloween do you think you are doing? (Agatha and her cronies cower down.)

(Later)
(Dorm Room)
(Mildred is napping on her bed. Maude walks in.)
Maude: Mildred? Mildred! Come on. Ms. Cackle's waiting for you in the Great Hall. Maybe you should rig a comb through your hair. (to the bat in her hand) Come on, come on. (leaves)

(Great Hall)
(Mildred walks in to find the whole school there, and the Grand Wizard up on the stage.)
Grand Wizard: Come, Mildred. (holds out his hands.)
(As Mildred walks forward the school erupts in cheers. When she reaches the stage they stop.)
Grand Wizard: Once in a purple moon there is a special young witch who shines above the rest. Often she goes unnoticed because she's out of step. I have seen this girl trying to fly. (remembers) Oh yes, I have. And I've watched the replay and seen how her friends treated her. The best witch isn't always the one who comes out top of the tests. A true witch has witchcraft in her at all times. And this is what you have Mildred Hubble. And so, Ms. Cackle, I ask you to proclaim the rest of the day a half holiday.
Ms. Cackle: Of course, Grand Wizard. (to Hall) Half holiday!
(The girls all cheer.)
Grand Wizard: Well, Mildred, do you have any plans for this unexpected holiday?
Mildred: No Grand Wizard. I suppose I better practice my flying.
Grand Wizard: (nods) Would you like to practice with me?
Mildred: (jerks her head up to look at him) With you?
Grand Wizard: Oh, absolutely. (grins)
(All the girls cheer as Mildred goes to stand beside him.)
Grand Wizard: Ready?
(Mildred nods and they take off. They fly around the room and then out the window. All the girls rush to wave at them as they fly away, but Ethel pushes her way to the edge of the crowd and stands with her arms crossed.)
Grand Wizard: See, you're not the worst witch, anymore.
(He and Mildred laugh)

(Road)
(As Mildred and the Grand Wizard are flying off, they pass over Agatha and Delilah who, it seems, are hitchhiking to Alabama.)

(Song)
Every day's an uphill climb.
No one grows over night.
Twenty seems light years away
The girl in you grows
But the freckles stay
Growing up isn't easy
Wish the time would hurry by
Will I ever learn to fly?
Growing up isn't easy
Doesn't anyone know why?

(THE END)