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Vapors

(seaQuest, Lucas's Room)
(Lucas is talking with Darwin who is in the aqua tunnels just outside his room.)
Lucas: This is a dollar. One dollar equals one fish.
Darwin: Why?
Lucas: You asked me what money is, right?
Darwin: Right.
Lucas: Well money is what you get when you work. Remember the time the hydraulic fluid leaked into the moon pool?
Darwin: Slime in water.
Lucas: Right. And what did you do? You helped fix the leak. That's work. Now say for that work you get money. The money you get is ten dollars. (Darwin nods) Now if one dollar equals one fish, how many fish does ten dollars equal.
Darwin: Ten.
Lucas: Right. So, say you want five fish. How many dollars do you need to get five fish?
Darwin: Don't need money, I go get fish.
Lucas: Yeah, well say you can't leave seaQuest to get fish.
Darwin: Lucas give me fish.
Lucas: Yeah, well say I won't give you fish unless you give me money.
Darwin: Why?
Lucas: Because that's the way the world works, Darwin.
Darwin: No money, no fish?
Lucas: Yeah, right, exactly.
Darwin: That sucks.
Lucas: Darwin. Darwin!
(Darwin swims off and Piccolo swims up.)
Lucas: Oh, you keep your hands off my vo-corder. You're teaching Darwin things he doesn't need to know.
(Piccolo makes like he can't hear a word Lucas is saying. Lucas gets up to answer the phone.)
Lucas: If he had hands you could teach him how to pick locks. (answers phone) Yeah, hello.
Nick: Anthony. Where's Anthony? (sees Piccolo) Tony! (Piccolo looks pissed and swims off) What's that? What's he doing?
Lucas: Swimming.
Nick: Swimming? What for? Why? Hey you. You tell him to meet me at Buddy's. You tell him Nick has got trouble. (hangs up)

(Opening Credits)

(Hallway)
Ortiz: You guys got any plans?
Ford: (?) holiday.
Brody: Enjoying full body tans and we got room on the skiff.
Ortiz: Cool, thanks.
Ford: Hey, what's up with O'Neil?
Ortiz: Oh no! O'Neil's skating on thin ice. (leaves)
Ford: Hey look, give me ten.
Brody: You got it.
Ford: Ten.
Brody: You got it.

(Hydroponics Chamber)
Bridger: (os) I'm very excited that you want to see my project. When we get inside just stand still and let your eyes adjust. (opens the door and enters with Wendi)
Computer: Entering climate controlled facility. Humidity 95%, 90 degrees.
(Wendi looks around.)
Bridger: It doesn't feel like the lab, does it?
Wendi: It feels like nightfall in Paris.
Bridger: Jasmine, tropical song birds.
Wendi: Do the bird songs stimulate plant growth?
Bridger: I don't know. (grins)
Wendi: Oh. (laughs)
Bridger: I put them in here because they stimulate me.
Wendi: And what about the moving lights?
Bridger: Well we're trying to duplicate the photosynthetic lights. You know, like in a rain forest. Now, (points) right underneath your feet here are thousands of little succulent leaf plants. In 200 square feet of water we raised enough lettuce to cover ½ an acre of farm land. I mean underwater colonies could be self-sustaining on this stuff forever. Famine. Just think of all the people in the world who have to subsist on a handful of course grain when they could have the pleasure of all these wonderful faces. Look…(names off a bunch of flowers that I can't even begin to know how to spell.) What?
Wendi: I've never seen a man so enthusiastic about fruits and vegetables before.
Bridger: Well it's not just the produce. It's the possibility of feeding the world.
Wendi: Is that all?
Bridger: Isn't that enough?
Wendi: Well it's more than enough. I just wondered if it was all the reason you were so exuberant.
Bridger: You trying to read my mind again?
Wendi: No. Maybe your heart.
Bridger: What's the downside of being telepathic?
Wendi: Sometimes I can read thoughts I'd rather not hear. Crowds wear me out. Wall. Some people can put up walls around their thoughts. Usually it's telepaths. You have a wall up right now. What's wrong?
Bridger: It's my wife, Carol. She fought all her life for this kind of hydroculture. I guess I'm missing her.
Wendi: Is this for her?
Bridger: Part of it, yeah.
Wendi: To keep her alive?
Bridger: A little, I suppose.
Wendi: What about your life?
(They don't say anything for a moment. They just gaze at each other.)
Wendi: Ah, what's this plant?
Bridger: It's a pisti steriosis. Water lettuce.
(Wendi bends down and holds one of her hands over the water.)
Bridger: You sensing something?
Wendi: There's emotional disturbance in the water.
(Piccolo comes up through the water almost knocking Wendi into it. Bridger holds her steady.)
Piccolo: Sorry. I can't see through all that rabbit food. (They don't say anything. They just look at him.) Permission to go, sir?
Bridger: Permission granted, and don't come up this way ever again.
Piccolo: Yes, sir. (leaves)
Wendi: He's upset, I should go.
Bridger: Yeah, I've gotta…
Wendi: Thank you.
Bridger: Thank you.
(Wendi leaves)
Bridger: Oh, boy.

(Lucas's Room)
(Lucas is working on something when Piccolo enters.)
Lucas: Who's Nick?
Piccolo: What's the difference?
Lucas: Nothing. He's in trouble.
Piccolo: When's he in anything else?
Lucas: Well, I wouldn't know, Tony. He wants you to meet him at Buddy's. I tried to call…I've got an address.
Piccolo: I know where Buddy's is. (gets dressed) You know he never calls just to check in. Kid, how're you doing? I miss ya, pal.
Lucas: Oh.
Piccolo: Oh, what?
Lucas: Oh, that's why you're upset.
Piccolo: Oh. Why?
Lucas: Nick's your father. You're from a dysfunctional family. He split early, comes back to play dad when it suits him, not you. That's why you call him Nick.
Piccolo: Okay, so you're a genius. How'd you figure that out?
Lucas: Cause I've been there. I come from a broken home too.
Piccolo: Then why're you so prissy?
Lucas: Well I guess I come from a better class of failed relationships.
Piccolo: Perfect. Come with me.
Lucas: Nah, I've got enough to carry around with my own father.
Piccolo: He's gonna ask me to do something I shouldn't do. I'm gonna need an excuse.
Lucas: Oh, so you want me to be your excuse?
Piccolo: No. I want you to be my friend.
Lucas: Yeah, okay. Alright, now Buddy lives in a tough neighborhood so…
Piccolo: Buddy lives in a tough neighborhood? You're funny. You should change.
Lucas: I should change? I should change what? My appearance or my personality?
Piccolo: Your shirt. Wear something that's not screaming 'mug me'. Here I think these work too. (puts a pair of sunglasses on Lucas.)

(Holographic Chamber)
(I call it the Holographic Chamber because I can't think of what else to call it.)
(Bridger enters and sits down. He activates the Holographic Dr.)
Woman: Hello Nathan.
Bridger: Doctor.
Woman: Your pulse is racing. Is there a crisis?
Bridger: Yeah. I looked into a pair of eyes today. I mean, I've looked into these eyes before, but today I fell in up to my lungs.
Woman: You're experiencing infatuation.
Bridger: I don't get infatuations. I'm 20 years older than she is.
Woman: It's an infatuation, not a life commitment.
Bridger: I feel very, very odd.
Woman: Odd or exhilarated?
Bridger: Odd.
Woman: Why?
Bridger: Thirty years ago I dated her mother.
Woman: This situation is outside my perimeters. You need to speak to a human being.
Bridger: I'm not close enough to any human being on this boat to discuss this.
Woman: That is a more serious problem than being infatuated. Find one. (shuts off)

(Hallway)
(Wendi pushes the button for the Mag-Lev)

(Mag-Lev)
(Piccolo is telling Ford about what he saw in the Hydroponics Chamber.)
Piccolo: (whispering) I saw her. They were smooching in the (the doors open) corner of the Hydroponics lab…
(They all look up to see Wendi standing there. They move around so she can squeeze in.)
Wendi: It's okay. I'll wait.
Ford: No, we can make room. Come on!
Wendi: No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
(Doors close)

(Mainland - Docks)
(Piccolo and Lucas are just getting of the boat. They see Dagwood walking up carrying to large garbage cans.)
Piccolo: Hey Dagwood. What are you doing laboring, pal? We're on leave.
Dagwood: Labor is my life.
Piccolo: Yeah, well now partying's your life. I got it all dialed in. You drive, Lucas pays. Hey, you know how to get to the low down district?
(Dagwood sets down the trash cans and smiles. They head over to the car.)
Piccolo: Come on! This is great!
(It takes Dagwood a second to get used to driving the car, but then they're off.)

(Buddy's Smoke House - Smoking Quarantine Facility)
(Piccolo, Lucas, and Dagwood enter. Lucas checks out a woman at the bar, and then so does Piccolo. They walk over to where Nick is sitting. He's one of the smokers so he's behind a glass window with a small opening in it to talk.)
Piccolo: Okay, Nick. What is it?
Nick: Finally! Anthony you look good. Just like your mother. (sees Dagwood) Who's that? A Dagger?
Piccolo: He's my friend. What do you want?
Nick: Who's the bean pole?
Piccolo: What is this, 20 questions?! What do you want?!
Nick: Anthony I'm in trouble.
Piccolo: You get caught cheatin' again?
Nick: No, I didn't get caught cheatin' again.
Piccolo: Yeah, sure. (to Lucas and Dagwood) A year ago he remarries my mother, which lets you know how nuts she is. First thing he does is date the barmaid from his reception. (to Nick) You get caught cheating for the umpteenth time, don't expect me to come bail you out!
Nick: You gonna help me out, huh?
Piccolo: No!
Nick: Fine!
(Piccolo leaves and Lucas goes after him. Dagwood walks over to the window to look at Nick.)
Nick: Quit staring at me.
Dagwood: I imagine my father to be like you, only with a brain.
Nick: Oh, please I'm surrounded over here…

(Outside Buddy's)
Piccolo: I appreciate you coming, Lucas. Leave me alone.
Lucas: You're really gonna regret this.
Piccolo: I've regretted it for years.
Lucas: Look, he's killing himself in there. Maybe you should trying saying good-bye. Maybe try calling him dad.
Piccolo: Maybe buy him a tie.
(They go back inside.)

(Inside Buddy's)
Piccolo: Okay Dad, what is it?
Nick: I can't talk now. I'm being watched. (Piccolo takes a look around and sees the woman at the bar from earlier watching them.) So you gonna help me or not?
Piccolo: I will or I wont. Either way who else you gonna ask?
Nick: Listen. I got a box. You gotta find it and destroy the contents.
Piccolo: What's in the box.
Nick: It's not illegal.
Piccolo: Well that's a first.
Nick: It's not. You gotta do this for me. Come here. (Piccolo leans in) The pills that I got…
(The woman from the bar walks over to them.)
Piccolo: Yeah, in the playground…
Marie: (to Nick) You are pathetic!
Piccolo: Hey, sweetness, do you mind? This is between me and my father.
Marie: Did he tell you where he put them?
Piccolo: Put what?
Marie: My RU268's.
Piccolo: What?
Marie: My RU268's My Swiss oral cosmetics. My pills! Did he tell you where he put them?
Piccolo: Who are you?
Marie: Marie.
Piccolo: Marie. Marie who?
Marie: Marie Piccolo. (she wipes a smudge off his face)
Piccolo: (to Nick) Are we Greek?
Lucas: Hey, Tony, what's going on here?
Piccolo: I don't know. I think this is Marie Piccolo, my mother.
Lucas: Your mother? Yeah right.
Nick: Yeah. She's his mother.
Piccolo: Hey, what are you thinking?
Lucas: I think I need to sit down.
Nick: (to Marie) See, what'd I tell ya? You are violating the laws of nature.
Marie: I'm trying to make the most out of myself.
(Lucas sits down on the floor and Piccolo goes over to him.)
Piccolo: You okay?
Lucas: Yeah. Your mother, Tony, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
(They both turn to look at Marie again.)
Piccolo: Eh…mom?

(Art Museum)
(O'Neil and Henderson are there on a date. O'Neil is slurping a soda while looking at a painting.)
Henderson: Tim? (pause) Tim?
O'Neil: Sorry. Pretty rude of me.
Henderson: You're pretty absorbed in this painting.
O'Neil: Well, yeah.
Henderson: Do you understand it?
O'Neil: Completely. It's about the taboo of shipboard romances.
Henderson: Isn't that why there's shore leave?
O'Neil: Ah, well, shore leave's generally for romancing someone you don't sail with.
Henderson: The girl in every port.
O'Neil: Or guy. Whatever. But not the same guy and girl in every port.
Henderson: If you're having second thoughts about our date…
O'Neil: No, no. I'm having a great time. I'm just wondering what's gonna happen when we put to sea.
Henderson: Maybe we should just think about right now. (pause) There's a rumor that a real shipboard romance is brewing in the executive quarters.
O'Neil: Oh yeah, I hear about that one. Although I couldn't go out with a woman who could read my mind.
Henderson: Why?
O'Neil: She wouldn't want to.

(Quest Club)
(Wendi is there alone. She gets a towel and goes to sit by the pool. She can hear the thoughts of those around her.)
Old Man: Not alone.
Guest: I want in. I want in this club.
Waiter: Twenty dollar tab, $1.25 tip. Cheap sissy.
Old Man: I don't want to die. I don't want pain. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die in a small room alone.
(Wendi gets up and gets into the pool. There are many voices now. She goes under a small water fall that is at the end of the pool and she stays there for a minute.)

(Docks)
(Ortiz, Brody, and Ford are loading their gear onto a sailing ship. Bridger walks by on the way to his own ship.)
Bridger: Gentlemen. (keeps walking)
Ortiz: Captain.
Ford: Captain.
Brody: Hey, Captain. So what do you think? Smith and the old man really got something going on?
Ford: It's not our business.
Ortiz: True, but it's fun to speculate.
Brody: Speculating is a great sport.
Ford: Listen guys, why don't we just focus on finding our own dates. Why are we even taking what Piccolo says seriously anyway? Who listens to him?

(Buddy's Smoke House)
Piccolo: This is nuts! This is nuts!! I'm not buying it! You're not my mother because you're younger than me! And you, (points at Nick) you're a scam artist. How low can you sink trying to run a play past your own kid?
Marie: Tony, Tony, I just want my pills. Get me my pills. He told you where he put them.
Piccolo: Get your own pills, lady!
Marie: I am not a lady, I am your mother!
Nick: Hey! I don't want her having no pills. Look at her eyes, she thinks she's 25.
Marie: I look 25.
Nick: It's like putting aluminum siding on a building. It looks nice on the outside but on the inside it's rusted pipes…
(Piccolo backs away to stand by Lucas and Dagwood.)
Lucas: They sound like they're married.
Piccolo: I know. Look at how good she looks. It's making me sick.
Dagwood: Good looks should please you.
Piccolo: I'm pleased. That's what's making me sick. I don't know how to deal with this.
Nick: I think it's bad for you.
Marie: This so bad for a 50 year old. You wanna know what's bad? You. You, who sit here like a smoldering heap of methane wasting away all these working hours in this tobacco den killing yourself. Why don't you get a real job?
Nick: Again with the job!
Marie: Again with the job.
(Security comes over)
Guard: (to Marie) You're gonna have to leave.
Marie: Shut up!
Nick: Get outta here.
Piccolo: Hey, hey leave her alone. Leave her alone. We're leaving, they're staying. I'm gonna get your pills.
Marie: I'm going with you.
Piccolo: No, no you're not. (He, Lucas, and Dagwood leave.)
Nick: Don't give her no pills! Hey! Don't give her no pills!
(Marie runs after Tony.)

(Outside Buddy's)
(The guys have all gotten into the car, when Marie runs out.)
Marie: Tony, please! I wanna be young!
(The guys take off.)

(Sail Boat)
(Ford and Brody are checking out all the girls while Ortiz drives.)
Ford: Oh, nice.
Ortiz: Can I see?
Ford: It's not that nice, Ortiz. Stay the course.
Ortiz: Looks great from here.
Brody: No, no, it looks good from here, but not great. What we want is great.
Ortiz: Yeah, how do you guys define great?
Brody: Great is not just sheer physical excellence. Great includes spiritual and intellectual excellence.
Ford: Absolutely.
Ortiz: And you can see all that through the binoculars?
Ford: Oh, yeah. But you know what's really, really great, Miguel?
Ortiz: What?
Ford: You're driving. (he and Brody laugh)

(Bridger's House)
(Bridger arrives at his house. He goes inside. He sees a photo of Carol on the dresser. He picks it up and looks at it.)
Bridger: I'm supposed to find a human being to talk to about my infatuation. I haven't really talked to anyone since you've been gone.

(seaQuest, Wendi's Room)
(Wendi is looking a picture of her mother and crying.)

(Mainland - Playground)
(The guys have arrived at a run down playground.)
Piccolo: Nick used to bring me here.
Lucas: Your dad used to bring you here.
Piccolo: Fine, my dad used to bring me here. Pretty much reflects our relationship, huh? Over here.
Dagwood: You don't like your father?
Piccolo: Something like that.
Dagwood: I would love my father. If I could know him I would love him.
Lucas: Well you can love your father and not like him.
Piccolo: Which way is west?
Dagwood: (points and Piccolo goes that way) (to Lucas) Do you love your father and not like him?
Lucas: All the time.
Dagwood: It is better I don't have a father.
(Piccolo starts to dig.)
Lucas: No, no, but families, fathers and sons, and I guess even mothers and daughters can be difficult relationships to figure out.
Piccolo: If the Sigmund Freud Society would give it a rest I could use a hand over here.
(Dagwood and Lucas walk over to where he is. Dagwood takes over the digging and in about 10 seconds he hand Tony the box wrapped up in a plastic bag.)
Piccolo: It's good digging. (he opens the box to find a lot of little red pills) We got a lab on seaQuest, right?
Lucas: Yeah, yeah but we need trained personnel to work those systems.
Piccolo: It's computer technology, right? You're a computer genius, right? I need to find out what these are.
Lucas: No, Tony we could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Piccolo: You seen my mother? I'm already in trouble.
(They go to leave but Dagwood pauses by the swing set.)
Lucas: Hey, Dagwood.
Dagwood: This is a swing?
Lucas: Yeah, yeah it is. Come on.
Dagwood: I've never been pushed on a swing. Fathers must be good for that.
(They leave)

(Sail Boat)Ortiz: Hey guys, we've been at this for 3 hours.
Brody: Hey, quality takes time.
Ortiz: The sun is setting!
Ford: Look, if you're gonna panic we're never gonna get anywhere.
Ortiz: No! I passed panic an hour ago. What's wrong with those?
Ford: Not a thing. You see it's not what's wrong, it's what's right.
Brody: Exactly.
Ford: Thank you.
Ortiz: Looks alright to me. (turns the boat.)
Brody: Hey, where are you going?
Ortiz: I know what's going on.
Brody: Hey! Where are you going?!
Ortiz: You're not looking for physical or spiritual or intellectual perfect. As focused as you two guys are on your careers, you're looking for a bigger boat! (he dives off and heads for the beach) See you at the Captain's Bar-B-Q.
Brody: You know, maybe he's right.
Ford: Yeah.
Brody: Maybe we should be cruising the Yacht Club.
Ford: Good idea. You drive.
Brody: Hey, how come I have to drive.

Vapors (cont.)...