Sixteen Candles
Transcribed By: Sonja
(Baker Residence – Morning)
Mr. Baker: (from upstairs) Come on. Chop chop. We’ve got relatives invading this afternoon.
Mrs. Baker: Jenny! Mike! Sara! Sam! Come on! Everybody up!
(Upstairs)
Mike: I think I have a fever.
Sara: You don’t have a fever.
Mike: Shut your face.
Sara: Make me. (Mike makes as if to hit her but doesn’t.) Dad! Mike hit me!
Mike: You liar.
Mr. Baker: (coming out of the bathroom) Mike, come on pal! We’ve got a wedding tomorrow. Try to cooperate.
(Sara goes to the other bathroom that’s at the end of the hall.)
Mike: Dad, I didn’t hit her. I’d like to very much, and I probably will later, but give me a break. You know my methods. I don’t hit her when you’re just down the hall.
Mr. Baker: Pick on someone your own size. (Jenny walks past him into the bathroom and shuts the door) Open this door.
Jenny: (opens the door and looks out) Daddy, I’m the one getting married.
Mr. Baker: Not until tomorrow. Come on, I’ve got a mouthful of toothpaste.
Jenny: I happen to have a serious problem. (shuts the door)
Mike: Dad, she got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?
Mr. Baker: Where’re you learning that stuff?
Mike: School.
Mr. Baker: Good. I’m getting my money’s worth.
(Samantha’s Room)
(Samantha, or Sam as she likes to be called, is looking at herself in the mirror. She has her friend Randy on hold on the phone.)
Sam: Chronologically you’re sixteen today. Physically you’re still 15. (sigh) Hopeless. (into phone) Nope, I look exactly the same as I have since summer, utterly forgettable. No, I didn’t expect to wake up transformed. I just thought that turning sixteen would be so major that I would wake up with an improved metal state that would show on my face. All it shows is that I don’t have any sort of a tan left. (sigh) I better get downstairs. My family’s probably pissed off I haven’t let them wish me Happy Birthday yet. All right. I’ll see you at school. (hangs up the phone and looks at herself in the mirror again) You need four inches of bod and a great birthday.
(Downstairs)
(Mr. Baker is hunting for his briefcase while his carpool ride honks the horn outside. Mike and Sara are getting ready to head out the door to catch the bus. Mrs. Baker is supervising everyone leaving.)
Mr. Baker: Where’s my briefcase?
Mike: Where’d you leave it.
Mrs. Baker: Don’t be a smart ass.
Mike: Okay I’ll be a dumb ass.
Mrs. Baker: Okay, where’s Sam?
Mr. Baker: Where’s my briefcase?
Mrs. Baker: (yelling up the stairs) Sam!
Mike: Allow me, Brenda. (yelling up the stairs) Hey birth defect!
(Sam comes down the stairs and sits on one of the bottom stairs and watches everyone get ready to leave.)
Mrs. Baker: You missed breakfast again.
Mr. Baker: It wasn’t my idea to give her her own phone line. I don’t have my own phone line.
(Mike and Sara continue to bicker amongst themselves.)
Mr. Baker: (still looking for his briefcase) It’s small, it’s brown, it’s made of leather, it has my initials on it. I believe…(Mrs. Baker holds up his briefcase)…that’s it.
Mrs. Baker: Don’t forget, the grandparents are coming this afternoon.
Mr. Baker: Are we still having dinner with the Riesczecks?
Mrs. Baker: (pronouncing differently) Riesczecks. 8:00 at the Club. Oh, and you better learn their names, as of tomorrow they’re family.
Mr. Baker: That’s a lovely thought. (to Sam) When it comes your turn to get married, do me a favor, elope. (leaves)
Mike: Who’d marry her?
Sara: Mr. T. (leaves)
Mrs. Baker: (to Sam) I’m sorry, you’ll have to buy lunch today, I didn’t have time to fix your carrots.
Mike: She’s only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts.
Mrs. Baker: Mister, you had better shape up or you will miss your sister’s wedding.
Mike: Promise? (leaves)
Mrs. Baker: (looks back at Sam who’s giving her a ‘look’) Now don’t give me that pouty look of yours. You can eat your carrots when you get home.
Sam: That’s it? You don’t have anything else to say to me today?
Mrs. Baker: What would you like to say, Sam? Come on now honey, you’re gonna miss the bus. (stands Sam up and kisses her on the cheek.) Have a good day. (goes back into the kitchen)
Sam: I can’t believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.
(School)
(Sam is waiting while Randy gets some books out of her locker.)
Randy: I’m sure they didn’t forget your birthday. They just didn’t remember it right away.
Sam: Same difference.
Randy: I know it’s a drag that your sweet sixteen’s the day before Jenny gets married but big deal, they’ll remember.
Sam: Oh, easy for you to say. Did anyone ever forget your birthday?
Randy: Sam.
Sam: Everything’s getting shittier. My family forgetting my birthday just makes it more vivid.
Randy: Well what do you expect, a breakfast birthday party?
Sam: No, but they could have at least said Happy Birthday. I mean it was just like any other day.
Randy: Why don’t you remind them? They’ll feel some massive guilt, it could be highly profitable.
Sam: I wouldn’t stoop to remind them. Since I was about twelve I’ve been looking forward to my sweet sixteen. You know, a big party and a band, tons of people…
Randy: …and big TransAm in the driveway with a ribbon around it…and some incredibly gorgeous guy that you meet like in France, and you could do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.
Sam: I don’t need the cloud.
Randy: Just a big TransAm and a guy right?
Sam: A black one.
Randy: A black guy?
Sam: A black TransAm, a pink guy. (laughs) (the bell rings) Oh no.
(Study Hall)
(Sam is filling out a Sex test that she got from a friend of hers. Randy is taking a dozing off behind her. Question 1: Have you ever touched it? Sam answers: Almost. Sam continues to take the test, and you see shots of the teacher and the other students in the classroom. Question 7: Have you ever done it? Sam answers: I don’t think so. Question 8: If you answered ‘I don’t think so’, would you ever if you could? Sam answers: I guess. Question 9: With who? (Be honest, your name’s not on this so it’s okay). Sam very casually looks over her shoulder at Jake who just happens to be watching her. She quickly acts like she’s wiping her cheek of on her shirt before turning back around, embarrassed. Sam answers #9: Jake Ryan. Question 10: Does he know that you like him. Sam answers: No Way! Sam then folds up the piece of paper and acts like she yawning so she can pass it back to Randy. But Randy has dozed off and doesn’t see Sam drop the piece of paper back to her. However, Jake sees this and very quietly reaches forward with his foot and drags the note closer so he can pick it up. Sam doesn’t see this.)
(Hallway)
(After class Sam and Randy are walking out of the room and Sam is freaking out because Randy doesn’t have the note.)
Sam: You swear to God you don’t have it?
Randy: I don’t know anything about it.
Sam: Jennifer Woods gave me a Sex test during Child Development and I was supposed to do it and pass it to you in Independent Study. I’m totally screwed.
Randy: Did you have your name on it?
Girl: (passing by) Hi.
Sam: (to Girl) Hi. (to Randy) No. But it was really embarrassing. I had to name who I’d do it with if I ever did it.
Randy: Who’d you name?
Sam: Jake Ryan.
Randy: Jake Ryan? He doesn’t even know you exist.
Sam: Thank you, that’s a very nice thing to say.
Randy: I’m sorry, but Jake Ryan? He’s a Senior, and he’s taken. I mean really taken.
Sam: I know. He’s supposed to be my ideal.
Randy: He’s ideal for sure, but forget it.
Sam: God, I hope whoever got that note doesn’t know it was me who wrote it. I’d shit twice and die.
(Cafeteria – Deleted Scene)
(There is a deleted scene here that I have seen twice when Sixteen Candles came on TV. In the scene Jake is sitting at a table during lunch reading the note that he ‘stole’ from Samantha. Sam and Randy walk into the lunchroom talking and carrying their trays. Sam spots Jake and dumps her tray on top of Randy’s saying that she doesn’t want Jake to know that she eats. Then she runs out of the cafeteria.)
(Gym)
(Jake and a friend of his are doing pull-ups in the gym. Every time Jake goes up the other guy goes down, and every time the other guy goes up Jake goes down. Each of them only speak when they are pulled up.)
Jake: Do you know Samantha Baker?
Guy: Sophomore, right?
Jake: Yeah, what do you think of her?
Guy: I don’t.
Jake: Would you go out with her?
Guy: Depends on how much you paid me.
Jake: She’s not ugly.
Guy: There’s nothing there, man. It’s not ugly, it’s just void. You know what I mean? (he stays up)
Jake: (comes up) There’s something about her. I do Independent Study with her, I catch her looking at me a lot. It’s kinda cool the way she’s always looking at me.
Guy: Maybe she’s retarded.
Jake: I’m being serious.
Guy: Okay.
Jake: She looks at me like she’s in love with me.
Guy: Jake, she’s a child.
Jake: So?
Guy: So what are you gonna do with her? She’s obviously too young to party serious.
Jake: Maybe I’m interested in more than a party. (walks off)
Guy: Come on, Jake. You talk like you’re hard up. You got Caroline, now she’s a woman.
(Girls Locker Room)
(Caroline is taking a shower and Sam and Randy are watching her. They are very envious of Caroline’s body.)
Sam: Unbelievable. I swear Caroline Mulford had to flunk about nine grades.
Randy: Truly makes me ill.
Sam: She’s perfect.
Randy: Practically impossible to cut up. She’s supposedly real sweet, her brother’s deaf, and everybody in the world worship’s her.
Sam: And she’s going with Jake. (sigh) I’m gonna kill myself.
(The Bus – After School)
Bus Driver: (to geek getting on the bus) My man! (the geek slaps his hand)
(Randy and Sam walk up.)
Sam: I loathe the bus.
(As they make they’re way to their seats everyone on the bus stops talking and looks at them. The bus is full of nerds.)
Sam: There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.
Randy: I hope you get a car for your birthday, and a license.
Sam: Let’s not hold our breath.
(Two nerds shoot at them with pretend phasers.)
Nerds: Score! A direct hit.
Sam & Randy: On second thought…
(Bus Stop)
(As the bus comes to the first stop on the route we can hear the nerds playing one of the themes from Star Wars on their kazoos. The bus pulls to a stop and almost all the kids, including Randy, get off the bus. Randy stops to talk to Sam through the open bus window.)
Sam: Call me, okay?
Randy: You call me first. Tell me what happened at home.
Sam: I can tell you right now, nothing. (the bus takes off)
Randy: (yelling after the bus) Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s bad for your complexion!
(The Bus)
(There are only 3 people left on the bus now. Sam, a girl in a neck brace, and The Geek aka: Farmer Ted. Since no one but me will ever remember that the Geek’s name is actually Ted, I’ll just call him Geek throughout the whole transcript. The Geek walks up from the back of the bus, no, he struts up from the back of the bus and sits down in the seat next to Samantha.)
Geek: How’s it going?
Sam: How’s what going?
Geek: You know, things, life, whatnot.
Sam: Life is not whatnot, and it’s none of your business.
Geek: So you going to the dance tonight?
Sam: That’s also none of your business.
Geek: (laughs) Are you inhibited about dancing in public? You don’t have to dance. You could just stand there with me and my dudes, and just be you.
Sam: Sounds major.
Geek: So what’s the story, you got a guy or what?
Sam: Yes, three big ones and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I’ll sick them all over your weenie ass.
Geek: You know I’m getting input here that I’m reading is relatively hostile. I mean I just…
Sam: Go to hell.
Geek: Very hostile. Come on, what’s the problem here, I’m a boy, you’re a girl…is there something wrong with my trying to put together some kind of relationship between us. (the bus begins to slow down and Sam gets her stuff together to get off but he won’t let her) Okay look, I know you have to go, just answer me one question.
Sam: Yes, you’re a total fag.
Geek: (laughs) That wasn’t the question. (pause) Am I turning you on?
(Sam rolls her eyes and gets up and off the bus. The Geek leans back and talks to the girl in the neck brace.)
Geek: It’s encouraging, very encouraging.
Girl: Uh-huh.
Geek: You know a girl with a hat is just…whoa…vogue.
Girl: Uh…yeah.
(Baker Residence – Sam’s Room)
(Sam makes her way up to her room, only to find that her Grandparents are already there.)
Grandpa Howard: Where are my blue socks, Dorothy?
Grandma Dorothy: Do you mean to tell me you didn’t pack them? Oh, not again Howard. Can’t I trust you to do anything? Do you expect me to do all the packing? Well at least I packed this for you. (holds up a hot water bottle.)(Sam turns to go back down the stairs but the Grandparents hear the creak of the step and they turn to see her.) Sam!
Sam: (under her breath) Samantha.
Grandma Dorothy: Look.
Grandpa Howard: Oh.
Sam: (turns to them) Hi.
Grandpa Howard: Hi!
Sam: Oh God.
(The grandparents give her a big hug.)
Grandpa Howard: Oh, sweetheart, my goodness are you a sight for sore eyes. (gives her a kiss on each cheek) Oh, how are you my little lamb chop?
Sam: I’m fine, Grandpa. How are you guys?
Grandpa Howard: Oh, we’re pretty good. Oh, I got the lower back pain…
Grandma Dorothy: Well, my corns are killing me…and I still have those headaches, but I brought the ice bag so…
Sam: (interrupting) So are you guys sleeping up here?
Grandpa Howard: Yeah. Your Grandfather Fred jumped our claim on Sara’s room so here we are.
Sam: Well I haven’t seen you guys in a while, do I look any older today?
Grandpa Howard: No, I wouldn’t say so. Would you?
Grandma Dorothy: No. Oh, I hope it isn’t cold tomorrow. You know Jenny, she’ll refuse to wear a hat and a coat over her wedding dress.
Grandpa Howard: Well, if she does you mustn’t bug her…
Grandma Dorothy: Well, I’m not gonna bug her…
Sam: (interrupting) Well, I’m gonna go set myself up in Mike’s room. So I’ll see you guys later.
Grandma Dorothy: Okay sweetheart. Grandpa and I are looking forward to a nice long, long visit with you.
Grandpa Howard: Oh we certainly are.
(Sam turns and goes back down the stairs and out the door.)
(Hallway)
(Once in the hallway she leans against the door.)
Sam: I swear to God, this has got to be a joke. Grandparents forgetting a birthday? They live for that shit.
(Suddenly the bathroom door opens and Grandpa Fred comes out.)
Grandpa Fred: Well, well…if it isn’t Sammy Baker Davis Junior. (laughs)
Sam: Hi Grandpa.
Grandpa Fred: Oh, I’ve got one for you. Knock knock.
Sam: Who’s there?
Grandpa Fred: Who.
Sam: Who who?
Grandpa Fred: Helen, we’ve got an owl out here in the hall. (laughs)
Grandma Helen: (coming out of the bedroom) Fred, leave her alone. You’ll make her tinkle.
Grandpa Fred: Oh, come on Helen.
Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she’s gotten her boobies. (Sam looks horrified)
Grandpa Fred: Oh, I better go get my magnifying glass. (Sam looks even more horrified)
Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so perky. (she reaches in to feel them)
(Mike’s Room)
(Sam comes in and shuts the door behind her. She looks completely grossed out. She goes and lays down on the bottom bunk of a set of bunk beds.)
Sam: I can’t believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
(She looks up and suddenly there is a very strange Chinese guy looking back down at her.)
Long Duck Dong: What’s happening hot stuff?
(Kitchen)
(Mrs. Baker is finishing dinner while Mike sits at the table eating pretzels and listening to his walkman. Mike has taken off the headset but the music is still playing.)
Mrs. Baker: His name is Long Duck Dong.
Mike: What?
Mrs. Baker: Long Duck Dong. He came down with Grandma and Grandpa Baker. He’s an exchange student that’s living with them.
Mike: Yeah, well he’s totally bizarre.
Mrs. Baker: He is not! He is a very sweet boy.
Mike: I just hope we burn the sheets and mattresses after he leaves.
(Sam walks in.)
Sam: I don’t suppose it makes any difference to you but there’s a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike’s room.
Mike: Jenny dumped Rudy, he’s her new fiancée.
Mrs. Baker: Mike, stop it. Sam, honey, do you think you can help the grandmother’s with supper? Dad and I have to go to the Club for dinner with the Riesczecks.
Sam: (pronouncing differently) Riesczecks.
Mrs. Baker: Oh Riesczecks.
Sam: Do you think there’s any reason that I should possibly stay home tonight?
Mrs. Baker: Well, I think it might be nice if you visit with your Grandparents and Long Duck Dong.
Sam: Who?
Mrs. Baker: The weird Chinese guy in Mike’s room.
Sam: I think I have a dance to go to.
Mrs. Baker: Well that’s okay. Oh can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes.
Sam: I can remember lots of things. (Mrs. Baker leaves the kitchen.) This is the single worst day of my entire life.
Mike: What the hell are you bitchin’ about? I gotta sleep under a Chinaman named after a ducks dork.
Sam: Well where am I sleeping?
Mike: Sofa city, sweetheart.
(Mike puts his headphones back on and goes back to jamming to his music.)
(Jenny’s Room)
(Sam is laying on Jenny’s bed, while Jenny is looking at herself in the mirror.)
Jenny: Do you think Grandpa Fred’s going to embarrass me?
Sam: I don’t know why not, he does to everyone else.
Jenny: He already asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk.
Sam: Is he?
Jenny: Don’t be cute. I really love Rudy, and he is totally enamoured of me. I mean, I’ve had men who’ve loved me before, but not for six months in a row.
Sam: I think I’m in love.
Jenny: So, how long have you been in love?
Sam: Well it hasn’t really happened yet.
Jenny: So what’s the deal?
Sam: I’m not sure that he knows I exist.
Jenny: Sam, I really don’t have time for this.
Sam: Well I’m sorry. I always listen to you talk about your boyfriends.
Jenny: Darling, is something bothering you? (she gets up and goes to sit next to Sam on the bed) You’re really acting like…an asshole. And I think I know what it is. I think you’re jealous that I’m getting married and that I’m getting all the attention.
Sam: You know everyone in this family has just gone totally Outer Limits.
Jenny: No, Sam, I think you’re just being a little selfish and immature.
Sam: Oh yes, that’s it. That’s exactly it. (she leaves)
Jenny: Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.
(Dining Room)
(Everyone has now gathered for dinner. They are all watching Long Duck Dong eat his dinner with the silver wear turned up side down so that they are like chopsticks.)
Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fitting neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike: It’s a quiche.
Dong: How you spell?
Grandpa Fred: Well you don’t spell it son, you eat it. (laughs)
Grandma Dorothy: Dong has only been in our country a short time, Fred. I think we can all help him assimilate.
Grandpa Fred: Oh…(laughs)
Grandma Dorothy: Long Duck Dong is about your age Sam. You two should have a lot to chat about.
Dong: I love visiting with Grandma and Grandpa, and writing letters to parents, and pushing lawn mowing machine so Grandpa’s hyena don’t get disturbed.
Mike: (laughing) Hernia.
Grandpa Howard: Oh, yes indeedy. He does the dishes and helps with the laundry, you betcha.
Sam: May I be excused.
Grandma Helen: Where are you going?
Sam: I have dance to go to, at school. It’s a very important dance. We’re being graded on it, for gym.
Grandma Dorothy: Wait a minute, I have a wonderful idea. (to Dong) Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?
(Sam looks horrified)
(The Dance)
(It looks like the whole school is there. Sam and Randy walk in and look around.)
Sam: I wonder if Jake’s here.
Randy: I don’t think it’s too healthy to get all jacked up about some guy that isn’t even a thing yet.
Sam: Yeah, well when you don’t have anything you don’t have anything to lose, right?
Randy: That’s a cheerful thought. Let’s go make ourselves available.
(Elsewhere in the gym the Geeks are watching Randy and Sam through their binoculars.)
Geek: That’s the one, dude. Scope it out.
Cliff: She doesn’t look like a Freshman.
Geek: Sophomore, dude, Sophomore. Fully aged Sophomore meat. Dude, we bus together.
Bryce: You talked to her?
Geek: Talk? Dude, I have a relationship with her. Figure it to be 17 digits.
Cliff: You are such a liar.
Geek: We’ll see about that, my man. By night’s end I predict me and her will interface.
(Back to Sam. She has now spotted Jake dancing with Caroline. She just stands off to the side and watches them. Randy stands with her for a minute and then waves good bye and goes to sit down. Jake happens to look up and spot Sam watching him. He thinks about it and then smiles at her. Sam realizes that she’s been spotted and immediately goes to leave, but she runs into the Geek.)
Geek: All right, I knew you’d come around.
(Sam looks horrified. Bryce and Cliff, who have remained over by the wall turn and look at each other, surprised by this development.)
Geek: Break dance, sister. (he begins to dance, but he really looks like a dork doing it.) Very hot, very hot. Tonight, tonight is happening. I’m blowing your mind aren’t I? (Sam just stands there for a moment, but when his back is turned she walks off. The Geek doesn’t realize she’s gone and he continues to dance, the other dorks laugh at this.)
(Sam runs out of the gym and sits down in the hallway. Back at the dance the Geek makes his way back over to his minions and they all clap for him.)
Bryce: Way to go dick face, she took off.
Geek: Don’t spaz out, okay Wheez. The situation will come online.
Cliff: Yeah? I’ll bet you a dozen floppy disks you don’t even get tit.
Geek: You got a bet, scum bag. Get it all.
Bryce: You wouldn’t be able to prove it anyway.
Geek: A, don’t hit me. Secondly, what kind of proof do you want?
Bryce & Cliff: Video.
Geek: No way, okay? I could just see the thing getting duped a thousand times and like winding up on cable somewhere. Try again.
Bryce & Cliff: Underpants.
Geek: No problem, butt lick.
(The Geek begins to walk away. Bryce and Cliff look at each other for a second before turning back to the Geek.)
Bryce & Cliff: Girls underpants.
(The Geek puts a hand to his heart like that hurt him, but keeps walking.)
(Shot of everyone dancing. Dong is dancing with a very tall girl. His head is on her chest.)
Marlene: So, what’s your name?
Dong: Dong.
Marlene: (uneasy) What’s your first name?
Dong: Long.
Marlene: (very uneasy) What’s your middle name?
Dong: Duck. I bet all the boys chase you plenty in the school, huh?
Marlene: Nobody’s caught me yet.
Dong: I bet you big teaser.
Marlene: (laughs) No, I can run the 40 in five flat.
Dong: (looks at her chest) Flat? (hugs her closer)
(As the Geek goes to leave the gym he’s stopped by Jake.)
Geek: I’m really sorry. Whatever I did was an accident. I mean…I…
Jake: Relax. (The Geek takes this literally and relaxes his shoulders and hops around a bit before facing Jake again.) You were dancing with a girl.
Geek: Oh man, I’m really sorry. I must have been on drugs five minutes ago. I didn’t even know what I was…
Jake: Do you know her?
Geek: She grabbed me guy. I’m totally innocent. Is she yours?
Jake: What do you know about her?
Geek: She has smallish tits, decent voice, smells pretty good. She drives me crazy.
Jake: Did she come here with you?
Geek: No, no. But if it’s okay with my dad she’s coming home with me. (walks off) Excuse me.
(Hallway)
(Sam is still sitting in the hallway and she’s crying. She quickly wipes away her tears as Caroline and her friends come out of the bathroom walk back towards the gym.)
Caroline: Do you guys want to blow off this dance?
Friend 1: Yes.
Caroline: I’m bored…
Friend 2: And go where?
Caroline: Well, Jake’s parents aren’t home, we could do it at his house. (to Sam) How’s it going?
Sam: Fine.
Caroline: (to friends) Let’s party right though. Jake’s paranoid about his parent’s house getting trashed.
Friend 2: Again.
(When they’re gone Sam gets up and walks away. Shot of the girl with the neck brace trying to get a drink of water out of a water fountain.)
(The Dance)
(Sam has now gone back into the dance and is sitting in the bleachers with Randy and Jimmy Montrose. The Geek shows up and sits beside her.)
Geek: Yes, I’m back.
Sam: So I smelled.
Geek: That’s my shaving cream. Wanna feel a real clean, close shave?
Sam: I’ll pass. Couldn’t find anyone else to bug huh?
Geek: Come on, you know you’re the one I wanna bug.
Sam: This is my friend Randy and that’s Jimmy Montrose.
Geek: Hey dude.
Sam: This is Farmer Fred.
Geek: Ted.
Sam: Oh, I’m sorry, this is Farmer Ted.
Geek: I’m not really a farmer, I’m a Freshman.
Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
Geek: Not if you’re gonna insult me.
Randy: (laughs) Okay.
Geek: Shoot.
Randy: Get the hell outta here.
Geek: Nice, nice manners babe.
Jimmy: She’s totally serious, ass wipe.
Geek: Chill. (to Sam while facing forward) I dunno…they tell me…
Sam: (to Randy) I can’t handle this. (gets up and leaves)
Geek: …if you want something you have to go for it. I’m not the type of guy…it’s embarrassing…(he looks over and realizes that Sam is gone. He smiles at Randy and Jimmy who are just watching him. Then he leaves.)
(Auto Shop)
(Sam is sitting in a rusted up car in the Auto Shop garage. The Geek comes in and watches her for a moment. He happens to lean on this metal shelving unit which topples over. Sam just sighs.)
Geek: I’m sorry about what happened in the gym. I had no idea you couldn’t dance.
(The Geek goes over and tries to get in the car, but the door is locked. Sam reaches over and unlocks it. The Geek gets in and sits down.)
Geek: What a decent night, huh?
Sam: It’s my birthday.
Geek: (singing) You say it’s your birthday…bah nah nah… it’s my birthday too…
Sam: Don’t be an idiot okay?
Geek: (singing) Hey Jude…
Sam: Just stop it okay. I mean it’s really been a shitty birthday for me, no offense, but I don’t really need a serenade right now.
Geek: What’s wrong, you didn’t get anything good?
Sam: I didn’t get shit. Not even Happy Birthday. My whole family kind of blew it off.
Geek: I’d freak if my family forgot my birthday.
Sam: It’s a brand new year, I’m sixteen, everything should be platinum. I should be happy, right? Right?
Geek: Yeah.
Sam: Well I can’t get happy. It’s physically impossible for me to get happy.
Geek: Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets?
Sam: Don’t gross me out.
Geek: No, we’re not talking gross. No, it’s just embarrassing. This information cannot leave this room, okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Sam: No problem.
Geek: I’ve never bagged a babe. I’m not a stud. (Sam laughs) I got the rep in sixth grade, and it like stuck with me. (Sam continues to laugh) Look, I’d appreciate you not laughing. Okay?
Sam: I’m sorry.
Geek: That’s not what I meant, I meant…(tries to cop a feel)
Sam: (shoves him off) Hey, back off Junior.
Geek: Pardon me.
Sam: It’s okay. (The light bulb goes off in the Geek’s head and he tries to cop another feel, but Sam shoves him off.) I mean that it’s okay you did it once, I didn’t mean for you to do it again!
Geek: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Sam: You know just now I really felt how much you liked me.
Geek: You’re probably zoning in on my brain waves or something.
Sam: Not really, I felt it on my leg. (the Geek goes for his pocket) Come on! I don’t want to see it! (He pulls out a rolls of mints) Oh, sorry if I embarrassed you.
Geek: I’m not embarrassed. Fresh breath is the priority of my life.
Sam: You know I really don’t want to hurt your feelings cause it’s really human of you to listen to all my bull shit.
Geek: I care about it, really. I mean, I know I kinda came on like a cruiser on the bus tonight and everything, but that’s just so my friends won’t think I’m a jerk.
Sam: But they’re all pretty much jerks though, aren’t they?
Geek: Yeah, but the thing is I’m kinda like the leader. Kind of like the King of the Dipshits.
Sam: Well that’s pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next fall as a completely normal person.
Geek: Yeah?
Sam: Sure.
Geek: Would it be totally off the wall if…if I asked if I could have sex with you?
Sam: You know, you asking is not as off the wall as why I won’t.
Geek: VD?
Sam: No. I’m sort of saving myself. It’s really stupid, he doesn’t even know I exist.
Geek: Who? (nudges her) Who?
Sam: Jake Ryan.
Geek: You like Jake? Jake’s my boy. I just talked to Jake in the gym. He asked me about you.
Sam: He did not!
Geek: He did too! He did. He asked what you were like.
Sam: Oh my g…if you’re lying I’ll beat the crap out of you.
Geek: I’m not lying.
Sam: Oh my God, what should I do? Should I go up to him and say Hi Jake, I’m Samantha, or no, maybe I should let him come to me.
Geek: This is not my department.
Sam: But what if I decide to let him come to me and then he forgets? Or then what if he changes his mind, then I’m totally screwed, right?
Geek: Apparently so.
Sam: Well what would you do if you were me?
Geek: I’m a gambling man by nature, and, uh I’d go for it.
Sam: This is so strange but I think I will. Oh, you’re the best. (leans over and kisses his cheek before hopping out of the car)
Geek: Wait, um…
Sam: What?
Geek: Do you know anything about floppy disks?
Sam: Um, we’ll talk about this on the bus, okay?
Geek: Well, no, see the thing is I’ve got kind of a problem. Floppy disks are pretty expensive and the thing is I made a bet with my friends, the dipshits, I bet them that I could do it with you. (Sam looks like she’s fixing to yell at him) But was before I knew you as a person. I can get proof without actually getting physical.
Sam: How?
Geek: Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?
(The Dance)
(Back at the dance Jake and Caroline are dancing again to a slow song. Jake looks a little distracted.)
Caroline: I think it’s time to blow this thing off and go to your house.
Jake: Yeah?
Caroline: I told Tracy and Robin and those guys to come to your parents house, okay? I told them not to tell anyone. God I love it when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I’m your wife and we’re like the richest and most popular adults in town. I owe all my great weekends to you. (looks at him) What’s your problem?
Jake: What?
Caroline: You’ve been acting weird all night. Are you screwing around?
Jake: Me? Are you crazy?
Caroline: I don’t know, Jake. I’m getting strange signals.
Jake: Well they’re not coming from me. Look, everything’s fine. Don’t have a cow.
Caroline: Okay, just remember one thing, I can name 20 guys who would kill to love me.
Jake: Is that a threat?
Caroline: It’s a fact, Jake. Come on, before we get in a big wicked fight, let’s get outta here.
(Outside the Gym)
(Samantha is standing near the door to the gym and she’s practicing what she wants to say to Jake.)
Sam: Hi, Jake, I’m Samantha. How’s it going. (changes her tone) Do you got a cigarette? (another tone) Jake, this may sound incredibly dumb, but I love you and I’ll do anything to make you love me. (yet another way) I love your shirt. (pause) Jake, you’re not gonna believe this but I had this very bizarre dream and you were in it.
(She nods her head at that last comment and then opens the door and goes into the gym.)
(The Dance)
(Jake is now at the coat table. He’s looking for Caroline’s purse/coat. His back is to Sam as she walks up. She goes to tap him on the shoulder but she chickens out and turns around just as Jake senses someone behind him. He turns and notices that it’s her. He waits for her to turn back around. When she does he smiles at her. Sam, mortified, says nothing and walks off. Jake looks after her with a dumbfounded look on his face.)
(Outside the Gym)
(Sam, leans against the wall just outside the gym door. She turns and watches as Jake goes over to Caroline and motions that it’s time for them to leave. Caroline agrees and they walk off.)
Sam: I can’t believe I’m such a jerk. He smiles at me and I don’t say anything. And I can’t believe I gave my panties to the geek.
(Boys Restroom)
(A young boy who is probably 11 years old knocks on the restroom door. Cliff opens it, wearing a headset.)
Cliff: What year are you?
Boy: Freshman.
Cliff: Give me a buck. Get in.
(The boy gives him a dollar and ushers him into the bathroom where there are probably 20-30 other boys waiting. Bryce is sitting on a trashcan.)
Cliff: Shut up! (they all do so) Bryce.
Bryce: Ted. Go for it.
(Bryce motions to a closed stall door which pops open and the Geek walks out. He pauses for effect before holding up the panties like a trophy. All the other boys ‘ahhh’ over the panties.)
(The Car)
(Sam, Dong, and Marlene are now in the car on the way home. Dong is driving with one hand while his other arm is draped around Marlene. Sam sits on the passenger side.)
Marlene: (to Sam) Hey, uh, listen, I wanna thank you for loaning me the Donger. He’s really bitchin’.
Sam: It’s okay, you guys make a great couple.
Dong: I’ve never been so happy in my whole life.
Marlene: You maniac.
Dong: Now I have a place to put my hand.
(The Club)
(The Baker’s are now having dinner with the Riesczecks.)
Mr. Riesczecks: So basically, Jimmy, my business is video game arcades, laundry and cigarette machines and trucking. I dabble a little bit in personal loans and politics.
Mr. Baker: Very nice. I think all that really matters is that the kids are happy together.
Mrs. Riesczecks: Just as long as my beautiful boy remembers that marrying this one means he’s out of the girl of the month club.
Rudy: Hey, wait a minute, I still can look. I just can’t touch. Right?
(Jenny rolls her eyes.)
Mr. Riesczecks: Oh, sensitive.
Mrs. Baker: (picks up her drink) Cheers.
Rudy: Right on! (drinks his drink in one swallow) You do shots? (she just smiles wanly) Come on, wolf it. (She does so.)
(The Car)
(Dong pulls the car up outside Sam’s house and Sam gets out of the car.)
Sam: Uh, good night Marlene. See you later, Dong.
Dong: Sammy, tell Grandpa not to wait up. (to Marlene) Let’s go boogie.
Sam: Sure. (Dong drives off.) Donger’s here for five hours and he’s got somebody. I live here my whole life and I’m like a disease. (she heads inside)
(Jake’s House)
(Everybody and their brother is at this party. You can tell just from the outside of the house that it is trashed already. Dong drives up, avoids hitting someone and slams on the breaks. He and Marlene get out of the car and head inside to the party. Inside Jake just looks around at what has happened to his parent’s house. Caroline walks over to him. She’s already drunk.)
Caroline: (to the whole room) Everybody, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, Jake. Jake, this is…everybody. (Someone shoots a jockstrap at Jake but Caroline catches it.) All right…who’s is this? (Jake walks off without saying anything.) Such a poop.
(Jake’s Room)
(Jake manages to look up Samantha’s phone number.)
(Outside)
(The Geek, Bryce, and Cliff have arrived at the party. Bryce’s pager goes off.)
Bryce: Oh shit, Ted, that’s my mom. I gotta get home.
Geek: Change your frequency, okay, don’t be such a wimp.
(A bunch of beer cans are thrown out of the second story window. Bryce and Cliff turn to leave, but the Geek grabs them by the collar and pulls them back.)
Geek: (looks at their headsets) Take those ridiculous things off, okay. (they do) Will you guys grow up?
Cliff: Ted, won’t we get pounded if we go to a Senior party?
Geek: Wheeze, we’ve got $70 dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We’re as safe as kittens, okay? This is a great social opportunity for us. Come on! (he goes over to the front door, but turns back to face them.) Do not embarrass me, okay?
Bryce: Well sure we will.
Geek: Will you fix your hair, Bryce.
Bryce: (trying to) I already did.
Geek: Wheeze, close your bone, all right.
(Cliff turns his back and zips up his fly. He then turns back.)
Geek: And be polite to his parents okay?
Bryce & Cliff: Okay.
(The Geek rings the doorbell and Dong answers the door. Bryce and Cliff both take a step back.)
Dong: Hey, come on it! The party’s hot, dude, person. (laughs)
Geek: He’s from outta town…he speaks English, all right? Don’t be such faggots!
Bryce: Man shut up! (The Geek points at him.) Kidding. Sorry.
(The Geek motions for them to go in.)
Cliff: You think we’re gonna die?
Bryce: Definitely.
(Jake’s Room)
(Jake dials Samantha’s number and folds down the picture of Caroline on his beside table.)
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
(Grandma Dorothy and Grandpa Howard are sleeping. The phone begins to wake them up.)
Grandpa Howard: Did you let the cat out?
Grandma Dorothy: We don’t have a cat.
(Jake’s House – Jake’s Room)
Jake: Come on, damn it, answer.
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
(The grandparents finally wake up and Grandma Dorothy picks up the phone.)
(Jake’s House – Jake’s Room)
Jake: (having gotten tired of the phone just ringing) Oh eat me. (he hangs up)
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
(Grandma Dorothy just sits there with a stunned look on her face.)
Grandpa Howard: Who is it? (Dorothy doesn’t answer, she simply hangs up the phone.) Well what did they want?
Grandma Dorothy: Sex.
(Jake’s House – Living Room)
(The Geeks walk in. Several guys have built up a small tower of beer cans. The Geek sits down on the table where the beer cans are and they topple over. Three big muscular guys stand up and look at him. The Geek turns to look at Bryce.)
Geek: Very nice! We’re here five minutes and the…I’m at a loss. (he walks off and the guys turn to look at Bryce.)
Bryce: (turning to Cliff) Real smooth Cliff. (He walks off and the guys turn to look at Cliff who looks like he’s gonna be sick.)
(Exercise Room)
(Marlene and Dong are working out…sort of. Marlene is riding an exercise bike with Dong in her lap.)
Marlene: You know, I’ve never been out with a boy before.
Dong: Me neither.
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
(Jake has decided to try calling again. The Grandparents quickly jerk awake.)
(Jake’s House – Hallway)
Caroline: (calling from the hallway) Jake? Where are you Jake? (she slides to the floor and sits in the doorway) Jakey, have you stopped loving me?
Jake: (hangs up the phone and goes over to the door) Leave me alone! (slams the door)
(Caroline’s hair has gotten stuck in the door and she can’t get out. She knocks on the door but Jake doesn’t open it.)
Friend1: (to someone unseen) What? I’m sorry, I don’t do that!
Friend2: Yes you do!
Friend1: I know. Come on, let’s go.
(They both laugh.)
Caroline: Trace…you guys, can you help me please? Come on, I’m your Prom Queen. Trace, you guys, I’m serious, come on, I need help.
(The girls go over to Caroline.)
Friend1: What’s the problem?
Caroline: (motions to her hair) Several things.
Friend1: Okay, no problem. (crawls away)
Friend2: Don’t go away, Caroline baby. (follows the other friend.)
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
(The phone rings yet again and the grandparents are waiting for it. Grandpa Howard picks up the phone on the first ring.)
Grandpa Howard: Hello! Hello? Listen, I know you’re there I can hear you breathing.
(Jake’s House – Jake’s Room)
Jake: Yes, hello sir, um…
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
Grandpa Howard: Are you the little bugger that’s been calling here all night and hanging up?
(Jake’s House – Jake’s Room)
Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
Grandpa Howard: Yes it is, and no you may not.
(Jake’s House – Jake’s Room)
Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
Grandpa Howard: (to Grandma Dorothy) He wants to leave a message for Sam.
Grandma Dorothy: (takes the phone) Give me that phone. (to Jake) Now you listen to me, mister. God did not put me on this earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul mouth hooligan like you. And as for our granddaughter, I’m sure that she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you. Now good night and good bye! (hangs up)
(Jake’s House – Jake’s Room)
(Jake looks at the phone for a second before hanging up.)
Jake: (sarcastic) That was great.
(Baker Residence – Samantha’s Room)
Grandma Dorothy: Sam’s lucky she has us, Howard.
Grandpa Howard: Yeah, even if she doesn’t appreciate us.
(The Party)
(Caroline is still stuck in the door. Her friend has come back with a very large pair of scissors.)
Friend1: You promise you won’t get mad?
Caroline: No, I love you.
Friend1: Okay, close your eyes.
(She very quickly cuts through Caroline’s hair with the scissors, thus freeing her from the door.)
Caroline: I don’t know how to thank you enough.
Friend1: My pleasure.
(They hug)
(Exercise Room)
(Long Duck Dong is now riding the exercise bike by himself. Marlene is about to lift some weights. She lifts them, but they are too heavy or she is too drunk and she drops them. They fall through the floor and all the way through to the wine cellar, popping some wine bottles. Several people gape at the hole in the floor.)
Guy: Wow!
Girls: Party’s over.
(Later)
(Everyone has gone home. Jake’s home is trashed. Jake looks around at the complete and utter chaos that is his home. He mouth’s ‘son of a bitch’. He goes and sits down on the couch with a sigh.)
Jake: What a disaster.
(He goes to take a swig out of a beer can but it’s empty. He looks on the coffee table and spots another beer. He picks it up and is about to take a drink when he notices an eye looking back at him. He leans in closer and then shoves all the crap off the glass coffee table to reveal the Geek who is somehow trapped either in or under the table.)
Geek: Jake!! (he beats his head on the glass)
(Baker Residence – Living Room)
(Sam is settled on the couch for the night. She trying to sleep but she can’t. Her dad walks in.)
Mr. Baker: Sam? Sweetheart? (she turns and looks at him)
Sam: Daddy?
Mr. Baker: Hey kiddo.
Sam: What’s wrong?
Mr. Baker: Everything’s fine. I was just upstairs and I couldn’t sleep. I feel like a real jerk, honey. We forgot your birthday. (Sam smiles a little that someone finally remembered) I bet you’re really P.O.’d huh?
Sam: No, it’s okay. I’m not really all that upset anymore.
Mr. Baker: This wedding is really turning this entire house inside out, and I just came down to tell you that we did remember.
Sam: Thanks Dad.
Mr. Baker: Happy Birthday. (turns to go but turns back) Is something else wrong?
Sam: No, why?
Mr. Baker: I don’t know, I just get the feeling that something’s bothering you, something other than your birthday.
Sam: No, I’m fine, really.
Mr. Baker: (goes and sits next to her) I think I know what it is. It has to do with a certain guy. (Sam sighs and leans forward to hug him) I know, honey, I know. We’re all upset Jenny’s marrying the bohunk. (Sam leans back with a groan.) What’s the matter?
Sam: I meant Jake.
Mr. Baker: Jake? Wait a minute, I thought she said his name was Rudy.
Sam: Forget it.
Mr. Baker: Forget what? Who’s Jake?
Sam: He’s a boy, daddy. It’s nothing. Just forget it, please.
Mr. Baker: Come on, Sam. We’re not communicating.
Sam: It’s extremely embarrassing, okay?
Mr. Baker: What’s embarrassing?
Sam: Sitting in the dark with your Dad telling him about your love life.
Mr. Baker: I’m afraid you lost me again, Sam.
Sam: Jake is a Senior, and he’s beautiful and perfect, and I like him a real lot, and he doesn’t like me, okay?
Mr. Baker: Oh.
Sam: And he’s got this incredible girlfriend. I’m just ridiculous dork that’s following him around like a puppy.
Mr. Baker: Why do you think you’re a dork? I don’t think you’re a dork. I don’t think Mom thinks you’re a dork.
Sam: Mike thinks I’m a dork.
Mr. Baker: Mike is a dork.
Sam: So am I.
Mr. Baker: Well, if it’s any consolation, I love you. And if this guy can’t see in you all the beautiful and wonderful things that I see, then he’s got the problem.
Sam: I know, it just hurts.
Mr. Baker: That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy they’d call them something else.
Sam: If I was Jenny I’d have this guy crawling on his knees.
Mr. Baker: Let me tell you something about Jenny. Now I love her as much as I love you, but she’s a different person. Sometimes I worry about her. You know when you’re given things kind of easily you don’t always appreciate them. With you I’m not worried. And when it happens to you Samantha, it’ll be forever. Well, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t feel this little talk has helped you. So would you be a sport and lie to me.
Sam: (laughs) Yeah sure, Daddy. (they hug)
Mr. Baker: Good night, sweetheart.
Sam: Good night.
(Mr. Baker gets up and heads out of the room, but pauses in the doorway and looks back.)
Mr. Baker: Oh, one more thing, sweetheart.
Sam: What?
Mr. Baker: When you do find the right guy, don’t let him boss you around. Make sure he knows you wear the pants in the family.
(Sam’s eyes go really wide as she remembers the underwear she gave to the Geek.)
(Jake’s House)
(Jake is now holding Samantha’s panties. He and the Geek are in the kitchen and the Geek is mixing a drink.)
Jake: These are really hers?
Geek: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get ‘em?
Geek: She gave ‘em to me.
Jake: Did you…
Geek: No. She cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right. The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you’re the cats meow.
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
Geek: Girl will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It’s pure power politics. I’m telling you.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. Sometimes I go a week without lunch because some bitch wants to borrow my lunch money. Any halfway decent girl can rob me blind. Because I’m too twuirked up to say no. It’s heinous, I’m telling you.
Jake: You better not be dicking me around. It’d be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I’m a slime.
Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I’ll kick your ass.
Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want off the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I’ll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
Geek: (almost chokes on a pretzel) What are you waiting for?
Jake: I don’t know. She’s beautiful and she’s built and all that, I’m just not interested anymore.
Geek: Does that really matter, guy?
Jake: Yeah it matters. She’s totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn’t know shit about love. The only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love that’s gonna love me back. (pause) Is that psycho?
Geek: (spits out an olive) That’s beautiful, Jake. You know I think a ton of guys feel the same way you do.
Jake: Really?
Geek: Yeah, they just don’t have the…the balls to admit it. You know what I mean? I mean, they’re just…they’re wimps. Samantha is a…she’s really special.
Jake: I’ll make a deal with you. (holds up the panties) You let me keep these, I’ll let you take Caroline home. But you’ve got to make sure she gets home. You can’t leave her in a parking lot somewhere. Okay?
Geek: Jake, I’m only a Freshman.
Jake: So, she’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference.
Geek: Jake, I don’t have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
Geek: Jake, I don’t have license.
Jake: I trust you.
Geek: Jake, I’d love to…I can’t. (holds out a bowl) Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure? (takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter)
Geek: Positive.
(The Garage)
(Time lapse – the Geek is now carrying Caroline out to the car. She’s passed out and he’s carrying her over his shoulder. Jake leads him over to a Rolls Royce and they set Caroline in the passenger seat.)
Geek: This is, uh, your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad’s car. You said you couldn’t drive a stick.
Geek: This is a mother….! This is a Rolls Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
Geek: So! I heard the grain alone cost five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don’t have five grand.
Jake: Then don’t hit anything.
(The Geek holds up his arms like ‘Duh’.)
Geek: Don’t hit anything.
Jake: Do you want to do this or not.
Geek: No! (he goes over to the drivers side while muttering to himself) Who the hell…does he…(he gets into the drivers seat and shuts the door. He looks down and Caroline and sees that her skirt has ridden up and he can see her panties.)
(Caroline wakes up and looks at him and Jake.)
Caroline: (to Jake) Who’s he?
Jake: That’s me.
Caroline: (looks at the Geek and then back at Jake) Who’re you?
Jake: I’m him.
Caroline: Oh. Okay. (goes back to sleep)
Jake: (to Geek) Have fun.
Geek: Okay. (he starts the car) Jake, is your Dad a big man?
Jake: About six four.
Geek: Very nice.
(Jake goes to the front of the car to guide the Geek out of the garage. The geek hits the gas, but the car goes backwards. He quickly steps on the brake. He shifts the car into drive and slowly goes forward as Jake guides him out. He gets out of the garage and takes off. Jake watches them go. Jake hears laughing and looks up into a tree where Long Duck Dong is.)
Dong: Oh sexy girlfriend! Bonzai!
(Dong jumps out of the tree and onto Jake.)
(House)
(A car pulls up and the 3 big guys from Jake’s house get out. They open the trunk to reveal Bryce and Cliff. They lift Bryce out of the car and set him on the sidewalk. Then they lift Cliff out of the car and set him on the sidewalk next to Bryce. Without a word they get back in the car and drive off.)
Cliff: You think they liked us?
Bryce: Definitely.
(Mr. Ryan’s Car)
(The Geek is now driving down the street with Caroline who’s wide awake. She’s obviously very drunk. Billy Idol is playing on the radio.)
Geek: Could you turn that music down a little bit? I’m a first time driver. I really need to concentrate. (Caroline reaches over and begins honking the horn.) Excuse me! Stop that!
Caroline: It looks like rain. Better put the top up. (she hits the switch to make the cover come up)
Geek: Will you stop that! You could get us in a lot of trouble doing that! (he hits the button to make the top go back down) This is a car! It probably doesn’t have Triple A on it or anything.
Caroline: Buckle up, pooh bear.
Geek: I can’t believe you’re so popular and you’re acting like this.
(The phone rings and Caroline picks it up.)
Caroline: (into phone) Hello? Oh, I don’t know, I’ll have to look. (puts the phone down) Mr. Ryan are you in here. (looks in the back seat.)
Geek: (takes the phone) Mr. Ryan’s not in right now. (he hangs up the phone)
Caroline: My Christmas present to you.
Geek: Thank you.
Caroline: (laughs) No, you didn’t see it. (she puts a pill in the Geek’s mouth)
Geek: Thank you.
Caroline: (laughs) Now we’re both on the pill.
(The Geek looks horrified and spits it out.)
Geek: You gave me a birth control pill! Do you have any idea what that’ll do to a guy my age?
Caroline: I know exactly what it’ll do to a girl my age.
Geek: My first time in a car and you pull this shit.
Caroline: And it makes it okay to be really super careless…
(She does something that causes the Geek to run into something and he comes to a stop. Caroline laughs and claps.)
Geek: Look, we’re not going any further until you stop these childish antics.
Caroline: Oh, don’t be such a poop! (falls over into his lap)
Geek: On second thought…
Caroline: (caresses his neck while still laying in his lap) I love you.
Geek: (to camera) This is getting good.
(He takes off driving again.)
(Bryce and Cliff’s House)
(The Geek comes up to the window and knocks on it. He hears a loud crash and rolls his eyes as Bryce and Cliff come over to the window and open it. They are both wearing strange contraptions on their heads.)
Cliff: Ted, what the hell are you doing?
Bryce: Are those jocks back?
Geek: Look, do you have any film in your camera?
Cliff: What?
Geek: Take those ridiculous things off! (they do) Do you have any film in your camera?
Cliff: Sure.
Geek: Okay, you guys go get it and bring it outside. Okay? Right out front.
Bryce: What for?
Geek: Just get it and come on out front, okay?
Cliff: U.F.O.?
Geek: It’s better.
Bryce: Extraterrestrial?
Geek: It’s better, okay. Just get it and come outside.
Bryce & Cliff: Female extraterrestrial?
Geek: It’s Better!! Now shhh. (goes back to the front of the house)
Bryce: Better than a female extraterrestrial? How do you tell if it’s a female?
Cliff: Cause it’s got tits.
Bryce: Well what makes them different from regular tits?
Cliff: They got four. Just get the camera.
(Out Front)
(The Geek is waiting while Bryce and Cliff make a lot of noise while coming out of their house. Caroline is passed out in the back seat of the Rolls Royce. Bryce and Cliff are arguing as they come outside.)
Geek: They’re such assholes.
Bryce: (to Cliff) It’s not my fault, you should check that out.
Cliff: Why do you always have to argue?
Bryce: I’m not arguing.
Cliff: Yes you are.
Bryce: I am not.
Cliff: Yes you are.
Bryce: I am not.
Cliff: Every time we try to do this something…it’s always bitch, bitch, bitch…
Bryce: Bitch is a female dog, and I’m not even.
Cliff: What’s that supposed to mean?
(They finally get all the way out of the house and look up at the Geek.)
Cliff: Shit.
Bryce: Shoot.
(The Geek points to the Rolls Royce and to Caroline.)
Cliff: Ted, that’s a Rolls Royce.
Bryce: Ted, that’s the Prom Queen.
Cliff: You got two girls in one night.
Geek: I told you dudes I was hot.
Bryce: Hot? Ted, you’re a legend.
Geek: Will you shut up! People around here work, all right? Now will you hurry up, I’m breaking like 30 major laws here.
Cliff: You know, Ted, nobody’s gonna believe you.
Geek: That, my friends, are what the pictures are for. Okay? (climbs into the backseat with Caroline)
(Bryce and Cliff try to set up the camera.)
Geek: Are you guys ready?
Bryce: Wait, hold on a second.
Geek: Do you guys know what you’re doing here or what?
Cliff: All right, just a minute.
Geek: How does this look?
Bryce: Very nice. (pause) Wait a minutes, you know black and white would just capture the moment so nicely…
Cliff: Oh…
Geek: (throws a beer can at them) Would you take the picture already! You’re pissing me off, I’m telling you. (to Caroline) Smile, pumpkin.
Caroline: What? Oh, pictures! Cheers!
(They take the picture but they only got part of the Geek’s face.)
(Shots of both Sam and Jake lying awake thinking about each other.)
(Baker Residence – Morning)
(Long Duck Dong lays passed out on the front lawn. A dog comes over and pees on him. Inside everyone is waking up. Mike is standing by the bathroom door waving the air out.)
Mrs. Baker: Mike, go get dressed.
Mr. Baker: I can’t believe it. Jenny’s not in the shower.
Mike: I wouldn’t go in there if I were you. Grandpa Fred was in there for a half an hour. It’s totally polluted.
Mr. Baker: Get dressed. (goes into the bathroom)
Mike: It’s your nose. (Mr. Baker comes out after about 3 seconds) They never listen.
(Kitchen)
(Grandma Dorothy is cooking breakfast while Grandpa Howard is on the phone with the police department.)
Grandpa Howard: (into phone) What was he wearing? Well…he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes. (listens) Hmmm? No he’s not retarded.
(Grandma Helen is standing over by Grandma Dorothy. She is smoking a cigarette. The ashes on the cigarette have gotten very long, but they haven’t fallen off yet.)
Grandma Helen: Now, what can I do to help?
Grandma Dorothy: Well, you could finish the French toast.
Grandma Helen: Good. (looks then changes her mind) I’ll just open the doughnuts.
Grandma Dorothy: Good thinking.
(Grandma Helen goes to open the box of doughnuts but changes her mind when she remembers her long nails. So she reaches for a knife. Grandma Dorothy holds a spatula under the cigarette to catch the ashes in case they fall.)
Grandma Helen: Oops, don’t want to lose the nails.
Grandpa Howard: (into phone) Well, I’ll just wait until I hear from you.
Grandma Helen: Voila. Breakfast is ready.
(Upstairs)
(Sam comes up the stairs to go to her room and she runs into her mom.)
Mrs. Baker: Oh, Sam. Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.
Sam: It’s okay, I’ll recover.
Mrs. Baker: It’s important to you. And yesterday morning you were trying to tell me. (gets a little teary)
Sam: (hugs her) It’s okay, Mom. These things sometimes happen.
Mrs. Baker: Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.
Sam: You’ll feel better.
Mike: (walking up) Who died?
Mrs. Baker: Uh, is there something you want to say to your sister?
Mike: What? Are you kidding? Where should I start?
Mrs. Baker: I mean about her birthday, it was yesterday. We all forgot.
Mike: (grins) Classic. (he goes into his room)
Mrs. Baker: Deep down he’s really sorry. (thinks)
Sam: No.
Mrs. Baker: No, he’s not.
(They smile at each other.)
(Sam’s Room – Time Lapse)
(Sam is now in her room talking to Randy on the phone.)
Sam: I have to go to this wedding and look like Miss Pretty Princess in this dipshits bridesmaids dress. I don’t even have 1/10th of the bod to fill the stupid bust up. So, what, should I just waste myself and spare the agony?
Randy: I was gonna tell you something, but maybe I shouldn’t. It’s pretty bad.
Sam: You may as well, nothing could shock me anymore.
Randy: Last night at the dance my brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
(Sam screams.)
(Kitchen)
(The grandparents hear the scream but think that it’s rock and roll music.)
Grandpa Howard: Hate that rock and roll rubbish.
Grandpa Fred: Well I’m afraid it’s here to stay, Howie.
(Driveway – Later)
(The girls are all dressed and ready to go. The garage door opens and Sam, Sara, Jenny, and Mrs. Baker come out to get into the car.)
Mrs. Baker: Sam, you’re dragging your dress honey. Pick it up. Come on, Jenny. Hurry up sweetie.
Sara: God, you’re so slow.
Mrs. Baker: Don’t fuss at your sister, it’s her wedding day.
Sara: Big deal.
(They get in the car.)
Mrs. Baker: All right, is everybody in? Are you all right, Jenny?
(She starts the car and they head for the Church.)
(Now the rest of the family comes out to get into another car. Everyone is talking a mile a minute so it’s hard to figure out what they’re saying. They all get in and back out of the driveway. Grandpa Fred spots Dong on the front lawn.)
Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there’s your Chinaman.
Grandpa Howard: Oh, thanks Fred. Bye Dong.
(Mr. Baker slams on the brakes and they all get out of the car and hover around Dong.)
Mr. Baker: What’s he doing on the ground there?
Grandma Dorothy: What’s happened?
Grandma Helen: Put a mirror in front of his mouth.
Grandma Dorothy: Howard! He’s dead!
Mr. Baker: Oh shit! I paid seven grand for a wedding and he’ll never see it.
Grandma Dorothy: Oh, watch your language Mr. Dirty Mouth.
(Grandpa Howard reaches down to touch Dong.)
Grandpa Howard: Oh, thank God, he is still warm.
Grandma Dorothy: Oh good.
Grandpa Fred: Oh, here, I’ll help you Howard. (They turn Dong over.) Whoa, canine cologne.
Dong: Oooh…no more yanky my wanky. Donger need food! (laughs)
Grandpa Fred: (laughs) Hell, he’s three sheets to the wind. He’s drunk as a skunk.
Grandpa Howard: Oh, why don’t you shut up, Fred. Shut up. Dong. (Dong continues to laugh) Dong!
Grandma Dorothy: Dong. Grandpa is talking to you.
Grandpa Howard: Dong, where is my automobile?
Dong: Automobile? (He laughs and then makes sounds of a wreck.) Wreck! Big wreck!
Grandma Dorothy: Why you little scuzbag! (she kicks him)
(The Church)
(The girls come walking up. The organist meets them at the door.)
Organist: Oh my, is everything all right? I was afraid you’d had an accident.
Jenny: I wish.
Mrs. Baker: Her monthly bill came early. Well, she’s fine, she just took a muscle-relaxer.
Jenny: Try four.
Mrs. Baker: You didn’t.
Jenny: Mother!
(Parking Lot)
(Mr. Ryan’s car looks horrible. It’s very dirty and it has tree branches stuck in the grate. The Geek is asleep in the back seat. He’s wearing his headgear. Caroline is now awake and alert. She slaps him lightly on the face to wake him up.)
Geek: (still sleeping) Damn mom, I’ve got my headgear on.
Caroline: (shoves him) Will you wake up!
Geek: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I’ll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
Geek: (taking his headgear off) I’m Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You’re in the parking lot across the street from my church.
Geek: You own a church? (Caroline rolls her eyes) What happened?
Caroline: I have no idea.
Geek: (notices the missing hair at the back of hear head) Did I do that to your hair?
Caroline: At this point anything’s possible.
Geek: Um, did um, did we…
Caroline: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.
Geek: Excuse me, but did…um…do you know if I enjoyed it. (Caroline just looks at him) Am I nuts, of course I enjoyed it. I mean, um, what I meant was, uh…did you?
Caroline: Hmmm. (thinks) You know, I have this weird feeling I did.
(The Church – Dressing Room)
(Jenny is now zonked out on those muscle relaxers. She’s acting really silly. Sam is trying unsuccessfully to get one of Jenny’s shoes on.)
Mrs. Baker: Here drink this. Come on!
(She holds the cup up to Jenny’s mouth and Jenny drinks.)
Jenny: Wow…do I feel funky.
Mrs. Baker: Uh huh.
(Baker Residence)
(Jake walks up to the front door and rings the bell. From inside Dong heads for the front door while holding an ice pack to his head.)
Dong: Okay, I’m coming. (he opens the closet door) Hello? (he closes the door) Oh, this place is so confusing! (he opens the front door and sees Jake…he yells and slams the door shut.) Go away! I call police!
Jake: Open the door.
Dong: No way, jose!
Jake: Open the door!
Dong: You beat up my face!
Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
Dong: That you?
Jake: Yeah, that me.
Dong: (opens the front door) Oh, so sorry. I thought you my new style American girlfriend.
Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha.
Dong: She not here.
Jake: Don’t jerk me around, man. Where is she?
Dong: She got married.
Jake: What?!
Dong: She at the Church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
Jake: Married?
Dong: Married.
Jake: Married?
Dong: Yeah married. (he shuts the door)
Jake: (to himself) Married?
Dong: (through the door) Married! Jeez.
(The Church)
(Everyone is filing into the church and sitting down.)
(Dressing Room)
Mrs. Baker: Are you gonna be all right, sweetie?
Jenny: It’s gonna be a piece of cake…bread... (snaps her fingers)
Sam: Um, Jenny, I’m really happy for you. I’m sorry for being kind of a jerk, lately.
Jenny: That’s really lovely, Sam.
Sam: I know you’ll have a great marriage.
(As Sam turns to face forward Jenny keels over.)
(Sanctuary)
Mrs. Baker: (os) Jenny!
(Mr. Baker runs back to the Dressing Room.)
(Dressing Room)
Mr. Baker: (sees Jenny lying on the ground) Holy shit.
Mrs. Baker: She just had a cramp.
(Sanctuary)
(Everyone can hear Mr. & Mrs. Baker talking.)
Mr. Baker: (os) I don’t care what she’s got. Look at her!
Mrs. Baker: (os) Will you please be quiet. We don’t want to announce to everyone that she’s got her period.
Rudy: I guess those guys who thought we had to get married feel really stupid right about now, huh, padre?
(Sam, Sara, and Mrs. Baker walk quickly up the aisle. Jenny and Mr. Baker come along behind as ‘Here Comes The Bride’ is played. Jenny is totally smashed from those pills. She’s acting like she’s drunk. Mr. Baker and Jenny get about halfway down the aisle when Jenny notices a woman’s hat.)
Jenny: (to woman) Love the teapot.
(The get a little further down when Jenny gets really tired and goes to sit in the pew beside some people.)
Jenny: Could you move over. I gotta rest.
Woman: It’s great to see you…what’s the matter?
Mr. Baker: Here! (he hefts her up and they continue on down the aisle)
Jenny: (to priest) Hi, I know you. (her veil gets in her way) I can’t see with this thing on. (she takes her veil off and throws it out of the way)
(Grandpa Fred laughs at this until Grandma Helen smacks him.)
(Parking Lot)
Caroline: I never went out with a Freshman. Not even when I was a Freshman.
Geek: Me neither.
Caroline: You were pretty crazy.
Geek: I was?
Caroline: Yeah. But you know what I liked best?
Geek: My clean close shave?
Caroline: No. (pause) Waking up in your arms.
Geek: (holds his arms) These things?
(They lean in and kiss just as Jake drives up.)
Caroline: Shit. Jake.
Geek: Huh?
Caroline: Jake.
(They separate and turn to look at Jake who is very shocked.)
Jake: Holy shit.
(Jake pulls his car into a parking spot and turns it off.)
Caroline: (to Geek) Stay here, okay?
Geek: Oh my God.
(Jake gets out of the car as Caroline walks over to him.)
Geek: I’m dead. (the phone rings and the Geek answers it) Hello?
Cliff: (on phone) Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
Geek: Look, Wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: (on phone) Ted, we’re dying, what happened?
Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
Cliff: (on phone) Ted…
(The Geek hangs up the phone.)
Jake: I’m sorry about getting you mixed up with that guy.
Caroline: Oh, it’s okay. It wasn’t too terrible. Weird? (Jake shakes his head) I’m really sorry about last night. The party…lots of things. You know, neither one of us is gonna die if it doesn’t happen for us.
Jake: (smiles) That’s true.
Caroline: I just don’t know right now. But I’m covered, okay, I won’t get hurt.
Jake: Sure.
Caroline: I leave it up to you.
Jake: Fine.
(They hug.)
(Church)
(Jenny and Rudy are now married. They are coming out of the Church while everyone throws rice. Jenny is still bombed. As Jenny and Rudy go down the steps Sam remembers Jenny’s veil.)
Sam: Her veil. (she goes back into the church)
(Jenny runs over to the limo and takes her slip off then dances over to the passenger side of the car. She takes the drivers hat as she gets in beside him. Rudy comes over and helps her into the back of the limo. They get in the back of the limo and it finally takes off.)
(Sanctuary)
(Sam has the veil in her hands as she’s walking back towards the front of the Church. The organist comes up and you can hear liquor bottles clinking in her purse.)
Sam: Oh hi. My sister forgot her veil. I know she wouldn’t want anything to happen to it. She’s…she’s a little out of it.
Organist: Just a little bit.
Sam: Yeah, um, well excuse me. I wanna make sure I see my sister leave. Good bye. (she walks off)
Organist: Bye. Oh, I need a drink.
(Church – Front)
(Sam comes to the door of the Church only to see that Jenny has already left. Everyone is now getting into their cars to head to the reception. She looks down in dismay. Out on the street the cars begin to move out of the way and suddenly we see Jake leaning against his car. Sam lifts her head with a sigh and spots Jake. She’s very surprised. Jake waves hello. Sam looks behind her to see who he’s waving at. Realizing that there is no one behind her, she points to herself.)
Jake: (smiling) Yeah you. (he jogs over to her)
(They meet on the steps, both smiling.)
Both: Hi.
Jake: Hi.
Sam: Hi. (pause) What are you doing here?
Jake: I heard you were here.
Sam: You came here for me?
Jake: Is that okay?
Sam: Yeah, it’s okay.
Jake: Do you have to go to the reception now?
Sam: (she looks down to think) I’m supposed to.
Jake: Can I call you later?
Sam: (not really paying attention) Sure. I mean, no.
Jake: (frowns) No I can’t call you later?
Sam: Yeah. (Jake looks upset, Sam looks up in time to catch this and realizes that she wasn’t really paying attention.) No, I mean, I’m not going to the reception.
Jake: Oh, great.
(The camera pulls back and he motions like he’s offering her a ride and she accepts. They head over to his car. As they do Sam looks up and spots her Dad further off who is getting everyone into his car. She points to Jake and mouths ‘This is the boy!’. Mr. Baker gives a thumbs up as Sam gets into Jake’s car. Jake shuts Samantha’s door and then walks around to the drivers side and gets in. They drive off.)
(Jake’s House)
(Jake and Samantha are now sitting on the Dining Room table with a birthday cake between them. All the candles are lit.)
Sam: Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake: Thanks for coming over.
Sam: Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Sam: Well it already came true.
(They smile at each other then very slowly lean forward and kiss.)
(THE END)