(Santa Carla, Boardwalk - Night)
(Several punks are walking around the Carousel. They see a guy and his girlfriend and they begin to cause trouble. Just as things are about to get serious the boardwalk Guard shows up. He grabs David and wraps his nightstick around David's neck.)
Guard: I told you to stay off the boardwalk.
David: Okay, boys, let's go.
Guard: (to other guy and his girlfriend) You, too, off the boardwalk.
(The entire park is closed for the night and the guard is walking to his car. He hears something that sounds like bats and as he turns to see what's behind him he begins to run. We can't see what's after him. As he gets to his car the door is locked and he can't get in. Whatever is after him finally gets him before he can get the keys into the lock.)
(City Limits - Day)
(Sam, Michael, and their mom, Lucy, are driving towards Santa Carla. They are trying to find a good radio station to listen to.)
Sam: Keep going.
Lucy: Hey, I liked that song.
Michael: Keep going, Mom.
Lucy: How about this?
Michael: Hang on.
Radio voice: I don't see any boogey men or nasty guys.
Michael: Keep going, Mom. You want to switch the band? Keep going!
Lucy: Wait. That's from my era! (singing) Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon…
Sam & Michael: Keep going!
Lucy: Okay, okay. Hey, we're almost there!
Sam: What's that smell?
Lucy: That's the ocean air.
Sam: Smells like someone died.
Lucy: Look, guys, I know the last year hasn't been easy, but I think you're really going to like living in Santa Carla.
(As they pass by the Santa Carla sign, Michael turns to look at the back of it. And on the back it says "Murder Capital of the World". Michael looks thoughtful.)
Sam: Mom, there's an amusement park right on the beach.
(Lucy sees some kids scrounging for some food. She gives Sam a few dollars. )
Lucy: Sam, tell those kids to get something to eat.
(Michael is talking to a stranger.)
Michael: Any jobs around here?
Man: Nothing legal.
(They arrive at Grandpa's house. Lucy and Sam are in the car. Michael is riding his motorcycle.)
Sam: (gets out of the car) Come on, Nanook.
(They see Grandpa not moving on the porch.)
Lucy: Dad? Dad?
Sam: Looks like he's dead.
Lucy: No, he's just a deep sleeper.
Sam: If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
(Grandpa opens his eyes and sits up.)
Grandpa: Playin' dead. And from what I heard, doing a damn good job of it, too.
Lucy: Oh Dad! (kisses him)
(Michael and Sam are carrying in the stuff from the car.)
Michael: This is a pretty cool place.
Sam: For the Texas Chain-Saw Massacre.
Michael: Come on, Sam, give Mom a break.
Sam: What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV. Have you seen a TV? I haven't seen a TV, Mike. You know what it means when there's no TV? NO MTV.
Michael: Sammy, we're flat broke.
(Lucy and Grandpa are unpacking the car.)
Grandpa: Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
Lucy: I know. But a big legal war wasn't going to improve anybody's situation. We've all been through enough. Anyway, I was raised better than that. (kisses his head)
Grandpa: Hey, ouch. My hair!
(Michael is chasing Sam through the house.)
Sam: Mom, you gotta help me.
Lucy: Hey, guys, no running in the house!
(Sam runs into a room that has all kinds of stuffed animals in it. It seems that Grandpa is a taxidermist on the side.)
Michael: Talk about the Texas Chain-Saw Massacre.
Grandpa: Rules! We've got some rules around here.
Grandpa: (showing them the fridge) Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. There's another rule around here, and I want you to pay close attention. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it.
(Michael points out some weed growing in the back yard to Sam, they laugh quietly as they follow Grandpa back towards his workshop.)
Michael: Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world?
Grandpa: Well, there are some bad elements around here.
Sam: Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you serious, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem.
Lucy: Great, Dad.
Grandpa: Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide sometimes the address label is curled up just a little. You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind up ripping the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta here. (goes to shut the doors to his workshop)
Sam: Wait, you have a TV?
Grandpa: No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.
(Lucy is walking along. As she passes by a bulletin board we see that a woman is taping up a missing persons paper for the Guard who was attacked. She keeps on walking, and sees a little boy by himself, crying. She goes up to him and finds out that he's lost from his mom. She takes him into a nearby movie rental shop.)
Lucy: Let's ask in here. Excuse me, I wonder if you could help us. This boy is lost and we're wondering if his mother might be in here.
Max: I don't really know.
Boy's Mother: (runs in) I was so worried. Don't run off like that.
Max: (hands the boy a lollipop) There you are.
Terry: Thank you.
Lucy: Bye, Terry.
(The group of punks from earlier is wandering around the movie shop.)
Marco: We only some here to watch one thing.
Max: (to Lucy) Well done. (offers her a lollipop)
Lucy: No thanks. (takes it) Well, on second thought.
Max: (to punks) I told you not to come in here anymore. (David gives him a look, but then they leave peacefully) Wild kids.
Lucy: Oh they're just young. We were that age, too, once. Only they dress better. Bye-bye.
Max: You have a generous nature. I like that in a person. My name is Max.
Lucy: I'm Lucy. Hello.
Max: That's my dog, Thorn.
Lucy: Hi, Thorn.
Max: Say hello, Thorn. So how may I help you this evening? We have it all. The best selection in Santa Carla.
Lucy: No, I'm not looking for a tape. What I need is... um…
Max: A job?
Lucy: A job. Yeah. I look that needy, huh?
(Sam and Michael are at a concert on the beach. Michael sees a beautiful girl dancing a few rows up from them. He keeps watching her, and when she leaves he follows her.)
Sam: Where are we going?
Sam: So What's our rush? You're chasing that girl, aren't you? Come on, admit it. You're chasing her. I'm at the mercy of your sex glands, bud.
Michael: Don't you have something better to do than follow me around all night?
(Sam looks up and sees that he's standing just outside of a big comic book store.)
Sam: Yeah. Actually, I do.
(Comic Book Store)
(Two guys are following Sam around as he checks out the comics.)
Sam: Got a problem guys?
Edgar: Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Sam: Pretty cool, huh?
Alan: For a fashion victim.
Edgar: Listen buddy, if you're looking for the diet frozen-yogurt bar, it went out of business last summer.
Sam: Actually I 'm looking for Batman, no.14.
Edgar: That's a very serious book, man.
Alan: Only five in existence.
Sam: Four, actually. (Alan glares at him) I'm always lookin' out for the other three. You can't put the Superman, no. 77 with the 200s. They haven't even discovered red kryptonite yet. And you can't put the no. 98 with the 300s. Lori Lemaris hasn't even been introduced.
Edgar: Where the hell are you from? Krypton?
Sam: Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved here.
Edgar: Take this. (Hands Sam a comic with a Vampire on the front.)
Sam: I don't like horror comics.
Edgar: You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix. It could save your life.
(A group of teenagers is hanging around at the front of the store. They grab some comics and make a run for it.)
Edgar & Alan: Hey!!
(They chase off after the teenagers leaving Sam watching.)
(Sam has caught up with Michael and they watch as the girl goes over to the group of Punks and climbs on the back of David's motorcycle. Both she and David notice Michael. She smiles, but David smirks. They ride off.)
Sam: (To Michael) Come on, she sifted ya.
(The guy and his girlfriend from earlier are in the backseat of a car. He wants to make out, but she's reading a comic book. She hears a noise. )
Girl: What was that?
Guy: What was what?
Girl: I thought I heard something.
Guy: Forget it.
(They start to make out and suddenly the roof of their car is ripped off. The guy is jerked out of the car while the girl screams her head off. Suddenly she is ripped from the car as well.)
(Grandpa's Garage - Day)
(Grandpa is showing Sam his fly 1950's car.)
Grandpa: How do you like that baby?
Sam: It's a beauty.
Grandpa: Come on, let's get in.
(They get in the car.)
Sam: Can I drive on the way back?
Grandpa: Fat chance. Nobody drives this baby, but me. (starts the car) We have to let it warm up a little. Hear that sound? Just like a baby pussycat. Okay let's go to town. (turns off the car and gets out.) Are we having fun, or what?
Sam: (still in the car) I thought we were going to town.
Grandpa: Well, that's as close to town as I like to get. (walks back towards the house)
Sam: Total weirdo, man.
(Comic Book Store)
Alan: Noticed anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?
Sam: No, it's a pretty cool place, if you're a Martian.
Edgar: Or a vampire.
Sam: Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something?
Edgar: You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit buddy. You think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks, huh?
Sam: Actually, I thought it was a bakery.
Edgar: This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters for Truth Justice, and the American way.
Sam: All right.
Edgar: Read this.
Sam: I told you I don't like horror comics.
Alan: Think of it more as a survival manual. There's our number on the back and pray you never need to call us.
Sam: Okay, I'll pray I never need to call you. Sure.
(Boardwalk - Night)
(Michael has just bought a leather jacket.)
Woman: It look's great. Definitely. Enjoy it.
Michael: Thanks. Excuse me.
(He goes over to where a girl is about to get her ear pierced. Star walks up behind him.)
Star: It's a rip-off.
Star: If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it.
Michael: What's your name?
Michael: Oh, your folks, too, Huh?
Star: (alarmed) What do you mean?
Michael: Ex-hippies. I came this close to being called Moon Beam or Moon Child, something like that. But Star's great. I like Star.
Star: Me too.
Michael: I'm Michael.
Star: Michael's great. I like Michael.
Michael: Wanna get something to eat?
(They are about to get on Michael's bike when David and the rest of the gang drive up.)
David: Where're you going, Star?
Star: For a ride. This is Michael.
Michael: Let's go.
David: Star? (Star walks over and gets on the back of his bike)(to Michael) You know where Hudson's Bluff is, overlooking the point?
Michael: I can't beat your bike.
David: You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up.
Dwayne: (to Laddie) We're going for a ride.
(Michael and David's group race across the sand heading for Hudson's Bluff. They reach it but Michael almost goes over the Bluff and David stops just at the edge of it.)
Michael: What the hell are you doing? Just you! Come on! Just you! Come on! Just you.
David: How far you willing to go, Michael?
David: Hit the rock box, buddy. Not bad, huh? This is the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago. Too bad they built it on the fault. In 1906, when the big one hit San Francisco, the ground opened up, and this place took a header right into the crack. Now it's ours.
Dwayne: So, check it out, Mikey.
David: Marco, food. (Marco runs off) That's what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get. (holds up a joint) Appetizer. You'll like it here, Michael.
(Lucy comes in and hangs up some shirts in Sam's closet.)
Lucy: Ten o'clock. Lights out. Did you brush your teeth?
Sam: Uh huh.
Lucy: Okay, 'night, sweetheart.
Sam: Mom? (points to the closet door she left open.)
Lucy: Sorry. (closes the door) I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster.
Lucy: Dad! Don't sneak up on people like that!
Grandpa: Brought you something to dress up your room with, Sam. (Holds up a beaver that has been stuffed.) How do you like that?
Sam: Thanks, Grandpa.
Lucy: Oh, Dad, really! You shouldn't have!
Grandpa: Lots more where he comes from. Good night, Sam.
Sam: Good night, Grandpa.
Lucy: Lights Sam.
Sam: As soon as I finished this comic, okay?
Lucy: Okay. (leaves)
Sam: You're history, buddy. (takes the beaver and puts it in his closet)
Marco: Feeding time. Come and get it boys.
David: Chinese, good choice. Over here, bud. Guests first.
David: What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong? Come on! (Michael takes the rice and begins to eat.) How are those maggots?
David: Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?
(Michael looks down into the container and sees the maggots. He drops the box and spits out the rice in his mouth. When he looks at the container again he sees that it's only rice.)
Star: Leave him alone.
David: Sorry about that. No hard feelings, huh?
David: Why don't you try some noodles?
(Michael looks and sees worms.)
Michael: They're worms.
David: What do you mean they're worms? (takes a bite)
Michael: Don't eat…(sees the noodles)
David: They're only noodles, Michael.
Star: That's enough.
Dwayne: Ah, shut up girl.
Paul: (quietly to Marco) Bring me my wine.
(Marco gets the wine and brings it over. David pops the cork, and takes a drink before offering it to Michael.)
David: Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us.
Star: Don't! You don't have to, Michael. It's blood.
Michael: Yeah, sure. Blood. (takes a drink)
David: Bravo! You're all right, Michael.
Everybody: Michael! Michael! Michael!
Paul: You're one of us, bud.
(Bridge, Train Tracks)
(You can hear the sound of the train in the distance.)
David: Perfect timing.
Michael: What's going on?
David: Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going on?
Marco: I don't know. What's going on, Paul?
Paul: Wait a minute. Who wants to know?
Dwayne: Michael wants to know.
David: I think we should let Michael know what's going on. Marco.
Marco: Good night, Michael. (jumps off bridge) Bombs away.
Paul: (jumps off bridge) Bottoms up, man.
(Dwayne also jumps but does not say anything.)
David: Come with us, Michael. (jumps)
(Michael can hear yelling and whooping. He looks down and all the guys are hanging on the underside of the bridge.)
David: Michael Come on down.
Dwayne: Welcome aboard, Michael.
(Michael climbs down to join them.)
David: Fun, huh? Hold on!
Marco: Don't be scared, Michael.
(One by one they all let go and disappear into the fog.)
David: Michael, you're one of us. Let go!
Michael: And do what?!
David: You're one of us Michael. (he lets go)
(The train finishes crossing the bridge and Michael is trying hard not to fall. He hears the boys yelling for him from within the fog and he finally lets go. He falls into the fog…)
(Michael drops down onto his bed. He now has a pierced ear. Sam walks in and pulls up the shades. Sunlight streams in on Michael and he covers his eyes.)
Sam: Mike, wake up. It's Mom.
Michael: Mom's home?
Sam: No, on the phone.
Michael: What time is it?
Sam: It's 2 o'clock.
Michael: Give me those sunglasses.
(Sam hands him the sunglasses and Michael puts them on.)
Sam: You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you freebasing? Inquiring minds want to know.
(Michael shoots him the bird.)
Michael: (picks up the phone) Hello?
Lucy: (on phone) Michael, are you still in bed?
Michael: No. I'm up.
Lucy: (into phone) Michael, would you do me a favor? Max asked me to go to dinner with him after work tonight. Would you stay home with Sam?
(Grandpa’s House – Michael’s Room)
Michael: Sam is old enough to stay by himself right now.
Sam: I don't need no babysitter, Mike.
Lucy: (into phone) Michael, you come home in the middle of the night you sleep all day. I work all day. Sam is always alone. It's been a long time since somebody asked me out to dinner. I'd like to go. Okay?
(Grandpa’s House – Michael’s Room)
Michael: Okay, Mom.
Lucy: (into phone) Thanks, it's a real favor. Bye-bye.
(Grandpa’s House – Kitchen – Night)
Grandpa: Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?
(Sam looks around and spots some Windex sitting by the window.)
Sam: How about some Windex, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Yeah, let me try some of that.
(He puts some on and Sam laughs.)
Michael: Have a big date tonight, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I'll drop off some of my handiwork to the Widow Johnson.
Michael: What'd you stuff for her, Mr. Johnson?
Grandpa: (gives Michael a funny look) See you two guys later. (leaves)
(As he leaves he hits the horn in his car and La Cuka Racha plays.)
Sam: That wasn't funny Mike. I'm gonna make you a sandwich.
Michael: Don't bother.
Sam: Lose the earring, Michael. It's not you. It's definitely not you.
Michael: Piss off.
Sam: All you do is give attitude lately. You watching too much "Dynasty" bud?
(All of a sudden motorcycle headlights can be seen outside and the sound of revving engines is very loud. Michael checks out the windows but can't see much. Michael walks over to the back door.)
Sam: Mike, don't open the door! (As soon as Michael opens the back door all the lights and noise disappear.) What's going on, Mike?
Michael: Go take your bath.
(Sam is singing while taking a bubble bath. Nanook is in the bathroom with him.)
(Michael goes to the fridge and gets out a milk container. He's about to take a drink when he's hit by a really strong pain in his middle. He falls to the floor and stays there for a moment. He gets up and makes his way to the bathroom.)
(Michael is just outside the bathroom door. Nanook can sense him. Michael opens the door just as Sam ducks under the water. Michael's eyes are bloodshot and he's very white. Nanook begins to bark, and eventually launches himself at Michael. They fall back into the hall and down the stairs. Sam hears the noise and comes up from the water and sees that his dog is gone. Sam gets on a robe and opens the bathroom door.)
Sam: Mike. Michael, are you there?
(He goes down the stairs. Sam turns on the light and sees the Michael's hand is bleeding.)
Sam: What about Nanook? What did you do to my dog, asshole?
Michael: Nothing! I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood.
Sam: Why did he bite you, huh? What did you do to him?
Michael: (stands up) He was protecting you.
(Sam looks past Michael to the mirror behind him.)
Sam: Look at your reflection in the mirror. (Michael looks and sees that he has almost no reflection.) You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael. My own brother, a god damn, shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'til Mom finds out! (he runs back up the stairs towards his room)
Michael: Sammy, wait! Sam!
Sam: Stay back!
Michael: Just let me talk. Wait a minute! Sam!
Sam: Stay away from me, Mike!
(When Sam won't let him into his room, Michael goes to his own room and throws himself onto the bed.)
(Sam is talking to the Frog brother's on the phone)
Edgar: You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot?
Sam: Yeah, all day.
Edgar: Does the sunlight freak him out?
Sam: He wears sunglasses in the house.
Edgar: Bad breath? Long fingernails?
Sam: Yeah, his fingernails are a bit longer. He always had bad breath, though.
Alan: He's a vampire all right.
Edgar: Here's what you do. Get yourself a good sharp stake and drive it through his heart.
Sam: I can't do that! He's my brother!
Edgar: Okay, we'll come over and do it for you.
Edgar: You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy. Or it's your funeral.
(Michael wakes up and he's floating on the ceiling. He can't get down. He begins to panic as he goes out the window. He grabs a hold of the phone so he won't fly away.)
(Sam is on the phone with his mother.)
Lucy: Sam, is everything all right?
Sam: Mom, I think we have to have a real long talk about something.
Lucy: What's going on there? Sam, I'm starting to get worried. What are you doing? Is that Michael breathing like that?
Sam: We should stay calm.
Lucy: Calm? Calm about what?
Sam: Nothing, nothing.
Mother: Who's making that noise?
Sam: Mom, I can't talk on the phone. It's about Michael.
Michael: Don't listen to him, Mom. He doesn't know what he's saying.
(Sam looks over and sees Michael flying outside his window.)
Michael: Shut up, Sam.
Sam: Mom, Help! He's coming to get me!
Lucy: Oh, my God!
Sam: He's gonna kill me!
Lucy: Honey, I'm coming. (she runs out of the restaurant that she's at with Max.)
Sam: Tell him to get away! No, Mom!
(Michael launches himself at the bedroom window.)
Michael: Open up!
(Sam makes the sign of the cross with his fingers.)
Sam: Stay back!
Michael: Sammy, help me! Open up! Help me! Sammy, open the window!
Sam: Never! I knew it! I knew you were a vampire!
Michael: I'm not!
Sam: So what are you, the flying nun?
Michael: I'm your brother, Sammy. Help me! Sammy, open up! Please! Please!
(Sam relents and opens the window and pulls Michael into the room.)
Michael: Thanks. We've got to stick together, Sam.
Sam: What about Mom?
Michael: Just don't tell her anything.
Sam: I don't know, Mike. It's just not like getting a "D" in school or something, you know?
Michael: We're gonna work this out. We're gonna work this out. Trust me, okay?
Lucy: Sam, are you all right? You had me scared to death.
Sam: I'm okay, Mom. I was reading a horror comic. And I thought I saw something on my window, but I guess I got carried away.
Lucy: You got carried away by a comic book?
Sam: It was a scary comic book, Mom. I'm sorry.
Lucy: (angry)You know, I've just about had it with the both of you. You know that? What is this mess? You spill milk on the kitchen floor and don't even bother to clean it up? (goes into the kitchen)
Sam: I didn't spill it.
Lucy: I can't believe you, people. The refrigerator door's wide open. Are you trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood? (she picks up the carton of milk that Michael dropped. As she sets it on the counter we see that there's a picture of Laddie on the back. He's a missing person.) You know, it's not fair. I would like to have a personal life, too. Where's Michael?
Sam: He went to bed early.
Sam: Mom, Can I sleep in here with you tonight?
Lucy: In here? Are you sure you're all right?
Sam: I'm fine. It was a real scary comic, that's all. Do you mind?
Lucy: No, I don't mind. (sniffs) Have you been eating pizza?
Sam: No, why? (begins to undo his robe and you can see a string of garlic underneath it.)
Lucy: You smell like garlic.
(Sam quickly covers up the garlic.)
(Outside Max's house)
(Max is coming home from his date with Lucy. He hears something.)
Max: Who's there? Hello, Thorn. Is that you, Thorn, making all that noise?
(He bends down to pet Thorn and a vampire bat kite falls on his head. Then the same thing that happened at Michael's house now happens at Max's. The motorcycles and all the noise.)
Michael: Star! Star!!
(He spots the wine bottle he drank out of earlier. He picks it up and sniffs it. He then throws it against the rocks and it breaks. Star has been watching from her bed and now she gets up.)
Star: I'm over here Michael.
Michael: What's happening to me, Star? What's happening to me, Star?
Star: Oh, Michael! Michael, I can't tell you. I don't know how to help you.
Michael: What's happening?
(She kisses him. And they end up making love.)
(Grandpa's House - Day)
(Lucy is awake and waiting for Michael on the porch.)
Lucy: Hi! Aren't we friends anymore?
Lucy: Does that mean we are, or...?
Michael: We are.
Lucy: We are. Then let's act like friends. Let's talk. Michael, take off your glasses. Michael, look at me. If there's a girl...
Michael: I'm tired, Mom.
Lucy: We could talk about...
Michael: I'm tired.
Lucy: We could talk about anything you want to talk about.
Michael: I have more serious things on my mind than girls and school. Things I'm dealing with…
Lucy: Things I wouldn't understand?
(Michael doesn't say anything he just goes into the house.)
(Grandpa is wearing sunglasses as well.)
Grandpa: (to Michael) Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.
Sam: Did you take care of everything, Michael?
(Michael doesn't say anything and Sam looks away.)
(Sam is in the car while Lucy gets out with a bottle of wine.)
Sam: What's the wine for?
Lucy: My apology to Max for running out on him last night. Which, young man, you should be making. (She goes up to the gate) Honey, I better bring this up to the house or somebody's just gonna take it.
Sam: All right, I'll be here.
(Lucy unlocks the gate and heads toward the house. As she gets closer Thorn comes out to meet her.)
Lucy: Hi, Thorn!
(Thorn goes nuts and starts barking uncontrollably at her. He begins to chase her. Lucy makes a mad dash for the gate, yelling all the while.)
Lucy: Sam! SAM!!!
(He jumps out of the car and runs to her just as she makes it over the gate. Not satisfied, Thorn tries to break his way through the gate. Lucy quickly gets up and they head for the car.)
Lucy: Honey, get in the car! Get in the car!
(Comic Book Store)
Sam: The dog chased my mom like the Hounds of Hell from Vampires Everywhere.
Edgar: We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in town for a long time.
Alan: Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead.
Edgar: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high position at City Hall.
Alan: Kill your brother, you'll feel better!
Sam: Look, guys, my brother is not a bloodsucker. Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire all half-vampires will return to normal. Guys, if my brother's a vampire, believe me, he's only half.
Edgar: Does he know who the head vampire is?
Sam: No, I don't think so.
Edgar: Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't, we will.
Sam: It all started when mom went to work at Max's video store. Max never comes in till after it's dark. The dog chased my mom this morning was his. And listen to this "Vampire require a daytime protector, a guardian to watch over them as they sleep. " Fierce dogs, the Hounds of Hell, are often employed for this purpose."
Sam: So what happens if my mom is dating the head vampire. You guys, you could nail him and save Santa Carla. Truth, Justice, The American way triumphs. Thanks to you two.
Edgar: We'll check out Max.
(Grandpa's house, Kitchen - Night)
(Lucy is making spaghetti for Max.)
Grandpa: Smells good. When do we eat?
Lucy: I told Max 8 o'clock.
Grandpa: Max? Are we gonna have company again?
Lucy: Again? You haven't have company in this house since Mom died 8 years ago.
Grandpa: Right. Now we're gonna have company again.
(Michael walks by the kitchen door on his way out.)
Lucy: Michael, Max is coming to dinner. I'd like you to meet him.
Michael: I can't. I have plans.
Lucy: Michael. You know things are gonna change around this house when school starts.
(Michael opens the front door to find Max standing there about to ring the bell.)
Max: Hey! How you doing? You must be Michael, right?
Michael: And you must be Max.
Max: Right. How are you? Well, you are the man of the house and I'm not coming in until you invite me.
Michael: You're invited.
Max: Thanks very much.
(Max walks in and Michael heads out.)
(Max walks in behind Lucy as she is setting all the food on the table.)
Lucy: Oh, Hi. I didn't hear you come in.
Max: Is it okay for the guests to see the food before the dinner?
Lucy: Oh, you're thinking of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding.
Max: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused. (hands her some flowers) Thorn sends his apologies.
Lucy: Oh, well, tell him I'm walking again.
Max: He promises to behave if you come back.
Lucy: Oh, well…
(They kiss just as Sam shows up with Edgar and Alan.)
Sam: Mom? These are my dinner guests, Edgar and Alan. The Frog Brothers.
Lucy: I didn't know you were having guests.
Sam: If we'll be in your way, we can eat some peanut butter out of a jar in the kitchen.
Lucy: No, no, there's plenty for everybody. Max, this is my son, Sam, and Edgar and Alan Frog?
(The Frogs grunt in agreement.)
(Later - Dining Room)
(Max, Lucy, Sam, Edgar and Alan are gathered around the dinner table.)
Max: Lucy, this looks terrific.
Lucy: Well, I hope it tastes good.
Max: Tastes wonderful.
Lucy: Boy! Somebody around here has bad breath! (the boys all look at Max) Nanook, would you quit breathing on me?
Sam: Nanook, get upstairs.
Edgar: Go on. (hands Sam a small bowl with what looks like Parmesan cheese in it.)
Sam: (to Max) You want some Parmesan cheese on that?
Max: Yeah, Sam. Thank you very much.
Lucy: Sam grated the cheese himself. (to Sam) My son.
Max: Budding chef in the family.
(He sprinkles the "cheese" onto his spaghetti and takes a bite. He then begins to choke.)
Lucy: Are you all right?
Max: It's not cheese, it's garlic.
Sam: You hate garlic, don't you?
Max: No, I like garlic. It's just a little much. It's raw garlic.
Lucy: (takes the bowl and smells it) Garlic? How did that happen?
Sam: (to Edgar and Alan) Guys, he likes garlic. Here. Quick, drink some water! (throws some water into Max's lap)
Lucy: Sam, what's the matter with you?
Sam: Does it burn?
Max: Burn? Are you nuts? It's freezing.
Lucy: Look at your suit, Max. And your pants. Oh, I'm sorry. (Sam cuts off the lights) Now what?
Sam: Must be a circuit breaker, Mom.
Alan: He's not glowing.
Sam: I know. Hit the light.
(Sam puts a mirror right in front of Max's face and when the lights come on he yelps.)
Lucy: Sam! What's gotten into you tonight?
Max: I think I know what's going on here.
Edgar: You do?
Max: Yeah. I know what you're thinking, Sam. But you're wrong.
Sam: I am?
Max: I'm not trying to replace your father or steal your mother away from you. I would just like to be your friend. That's all. Good night, Lucy. (leaves the room)
Lucy: (to Sam) Thanks a lot.
Sam: I'm sorry, Mom.
Lucy: (as she's leaving the room) Max, I'm so sorry.
Sam: Major mistake.
Max: Our batting average isn't terrific, is it? Zero for Two.
Lucy: You're so sweet to him. I don't know what got in to him. He's not like that.
Max: I'll tell you, Kids Sam's age need discipline, otherwise they run all over you.
Lucy: He doesn't run all over me.
Max: Protecting mother. Listen, let's try it once more. Dinner, my house, tomorrow night. I'm cooking.
(They kiss as Grandpa watches from his workroom.)
(Michael sees David, and walks over to him)
Michael: Where is she?
David: Take it easy, Michael.
Michael: Where's Star, David?
David: If you ever want to see Star again, you better come with us now.
(There is a group of people that are having a party around a bonfire. David and his gang get of the motorcycles and walk over to a large tree that's nearby.)
David: Michael, over here. You don't want to miss this. (Michael walks over and sees the party.) Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club.
(Michael looks over at David and David has vamped out. So has the rest of the gang. They fly off and begin attacking and killing the people at the party. Michael just watches, then finally flings himself away so he won't have to watch. )
David: Now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael. And you'll never die. But you must feed.
(David and his gang all laugh)
(Sam is sleeping and suddenly he wakes up. He turns on his light and jumps as he sees a large stuffed owl right by his bed. He picks it up and takes it over to the closet.)
Sam: I wish Grandpa would stop giving me these stupid things.
(He opens the closet and sticks it in there with about 15 other stuffed animals. As he shuts the closet door we see Michael.)
Michael: I know who I am now, Sam.
Sam: Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me. I can help you. Just tell me who the head vampire is. I thought it was Max, but I was wrong. Just work with me and I can help you. You'll be okay.
Star: (from outside) Michael!
(Sam and Michael go over to the window and see her down on the ground.)
Sam: Is that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?
Star: I have to talk to you. Can I come up?
Michael: No! (to Sam) You shut the window and lock your door.
(Michael turns to head out of the room and Star flies up through the window.)
Sam: She's one of them! (He runs over to the bed and covers his neck with the blankets) And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person!
Michael: You know where David took me tonight, don't you, Star?
Sam: Who's David?
Star: Yes, and it's my fault. You would've not met me, if I hadn't liked you. I tried to warn you.
Michael: It was that night in the cave, wasn't it? That wasn't wine they gave me to drink. It was blood. That was David's blood.
Sam: You drank someone's blood? Are you crazy?
Michael: I'm just like David now, Star.
Star: No, you're not. You're like Laddie and me. We're not like them…
Sam: Until you make your first kill!
Michael: Why didn't you kill me last night?
Star: You're supposed to be my first. That's what David wanted. But I couldn't Michael.
Michael: Why? Because you are care so much about me?
Star: Yes, I do.
Michael: What are you doing here? What do you want from me?
Star: I wanted to tell you that it's not too late for you. But for me it gets harder and harder to resist. I'm weak.
Michael: Why did you come here tonight, Star?
Star: I was hoping you would help Laddie and me.
(Michael laughs and starts to leave. Star flies back out through the window.)
Sam: Don't kill anybody until we get back to you! (picks up the phone and starts dialing)
Michael: Who are you calling?
Sam: I got connections.
(Grandpa's house - Day)
(Edgar and Alan arrive.)
Edgar: Where's Nosferatu?
Edgar: The Prince of Darkness.
Alan: The night crawler. The bloodsucker. El Vampiro.
Sam: (yells up the stairs) Mike! They're here.
(Michael and the rest of them are driving off. Grandpa is fixing the fence.)
Sam: Hey! Grandpa! Okay if we borrow the car?
(Hudson's Bluff - Outside Vampire Lair)
Edgar: Weapons check.
(He and Alan begin to check their weapons.)
Michael: I don't want you going down there.
Sam: I'm going.
Michael: Look, this isn't a comic book, Sammy. These guys are brutal killers.
Sam: So are the Frog Brothers.
Edgar: Check me.
Sam: Who'd you rather go down in with you? Them or me?
Michael: If something happens down there, I won't have the strength to protect you.
Sam: This time I'll protect you, bud. Even though you're a vampire, you're still my brother.
Edgar: (to Michael) Just you k now, if you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it!
Sam: Chill out, Edgar.
Edgar: Yeah, come on!
Michael: Where did you say you met these guys?
Edgar: Holy Shit! Vampire Hotel. (finds Star and Laddie asleep on the bed.) She's one of them. Let's stake her out.
Michael: Don't you touch her. Stay away from her.
Edgar: Come on, Vampires have such rotten tempers. The rest of them have got to be here someplace. We'll find them.
Michael: Star. I'm taking you out of here.
Star: No, take Laddie first. Please.
Alan: I feel draft. I think there's something up here.
Edgar: Let's check it out. Sam. Come on.
Sam: I'll be right back, Mike. I hope.
Edgar: Come on, Sam., let's go. Move out! Move!
(They enter the smaller cave)
Edgar: We're on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together, like bullets and guns. Come on!
Sam: What's that smell?
Edgar: Vampires, my friend. Vampires.
Sam: It's freezing in here. Come on, guys, it looks like a dead end. Let's head back.
Edgar: There must be coffins here someplace.
Sam: There's nothing here. Let's go, guys.
(Edgar looks up.)
(They all look up and see David, Paul, Dwayne, and Marco hanging upside down, asleep.)
Sam: I thought they'd be in coffins.
Edgar: That's what this cave is. It's one giant coffin. Right now they're at their most vulnerable. Easy pickings.
Sam: Remember, you just have to kill the leader.
Alan: We don't know which one he is.
Edgar: I guess We'll just have to kill them all.
Alan: Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked.
Sam: What's that, a little vampire humor? It wasn't funny. No.
Edgar: Good night, bloodsucker.
(Edgar stakes Marco. Marco wakes up screaming, and this wakes up the others.)
David: You're dead meat!
(The boys make a run for it. David grabs Sam's ankle and doesn't let go.)
Edgar: Get him into the sunlight!
(They get the ankle into the sunlight, and David's hand along with it. David's hand bursts into flames and he lets go and they are able to get away.)
(Outside the Lair)
Sam: Mike! Start the car!!
(Michael has fallen asleep in the back of the car with Star and Laddie.)
Alan: We blew it, man! We lost it!
Edgar: Shut up!
Alan: We unraveled in the face of the enemy!
Edgar: It's not our fault. They pulled a mind-scramble on us! They opened their eyes and talked!
Sam: I'll drive.
Alan: We don't ride with vampires.
Sam: Fine, Stay here. (starts the car)
Edgar: (to Alan) We do now. Come on! Sam. Let's get out of here. Burn rubber! (slams his foot down on the accelerator, but the car is in reverse and it almost goes of the cliff before Sam hits the breaks.) Ahhh! Christ!
Sam: " Burn rubber" does not mean warp speed!
(They enter and Michael is carrying Star, Edgar is carrying Laddie. Nanook is going crazy.)
Sam: Cool it! Nanook!
Edgar: Your dog knows a flesh-eater when he smells one.
Michael: Take him outside, Sam.
Sam: Come on, Nanook! (takes the dog outside.)
(Michael begins to go upstairs. Grandpa walks over.)
Grandpa: You know the rule about filling up the car with gas when you take it without asking?
Michael: No, Grandpa.
Grandpa: Well, now you do.
Sam: We definitely blew Plan A.
Edgar: Time to active Plan B.
Sam: Okay, what's Plan B.
Edgar: We don't have one yet. We have two and a half hours to come up with one.
Sam: Why? What's in two and a half hours?
Edgar: The sun goes down. They'll be looking for us.
(They run out of the room and we see that Star, Laddie, and Michael have fallen asleep.)
(Max's Video Store)
(Sam rides in on his bike.)
Lucy: Sam, what are you doing here?
Sam: Mom, listen, I've got to tell you something. It's real important. Shhh. Santa Carla is crawling with vampires. (Lucy rolls her eyes) Mom, I'm serious. Edgar staked one of them. It was screaming and fizzing. Look! There's evidence on my sweater. Mom, you gotta tell someone!
Lucy: This isn't funny.
Sam: I'm not kidding! They're coming to the house as soon as it gets dark!
Lucy: Stop it! Right now! Stop it!
Sam: But, Mom…
Lucy: Not another word! I don't believe you're doing this. I'm gonna see Max tonight, and you're trying to ruin it for me.
Sam: No, I'm not.
Lucy: Honey, there's nothing wrong with Max. I don't know why you don't want me to see him.
Sam: I'm not talking about Max! To hell with Max!
Mother: I'll deal with you later, young man.
Lucy: No! (walks away)
(Sam heads back outside where Edgar and Alan are waiting.)
Sam: Guys, we're on our own.
Edgar: Good. That's just the way we like it.
(Scenes of them riding around town gathering supplies. They go into a church where a Christening is going on. The interrupt it to get holy water. They fill the bathtub at Grandpa's house full of the holy water. Sam in the kitchen chopping up some garlic. Dumping the garlic into the bathtub full of Holy Water. The boys filling squirt guns with holy water.)
(Grandpa is working and Sam sticks his head in.)
Sam: Grandpa, the Widow Johnson called. She said to pick her up at 7, instead of 8, okay?
Grandpa: We got a date tonight?
Sam: I guess so. She said not to be late.
Grandpa: Well…I better get cleaned up, then.
Star: They'll be coming for Laddie and me, won't they?
Michael: They'll be coming for all of us.
Star: Laddie, wake up.
(Max's house - Night)
(Max and Lucy are having dinner. Thorn begins to bark and Lucy jumps.)
Max: Thorn, stop that! What's the matter, Lucy?
Lucy: It's just old memories coming back.
Max: No, seriously. Why are you so jumpy tonight?
Lucy: Well, it's something Sam said… he came into the store. It was just a kid's imagination, I'm sure, but he seemed so sincere, but it's insane.
Max: Tell me. I promise not to laugh. Honest.
(Grandpa's house - Night)
(They are all getting ready for the imminent attack.)
Edgar: I think I should warn you all that when a vampire dies, it's never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream. Some go quietly. Some explode. Some implode. But all will try to take you with them.
(Nanook is tied up outside and he begins to bark.)
Sam: Nanook! I left him outside. (runs outside)
Michael: Don't go out there! Stop him! (runs after him)
Edgar: Sam! Come back! No way!
(Sam can't get the rope untied. Michael finally does and they make a mad dash for the house.)
Star: Michael, they're coming! They're coming!
Edgar: Hurry up, man!
(They make it to the house just in time, and slam the door behind them.)
Michael: (to Edgar and Alan) Take them upstairs!
(Just as they run upstairs a Vampire explodes through the fireplace.)
(Star and Ladder are with Edgar and Alan)
Edgar: I say we terminate them right now.
Star: Leave us!
(Laddie runs and Star follows him. She runs through the bathroom, but Edgar and Alan are stopped by Paul.)
Paul: You're mine. You killed Marco.
Edgar: Yeah. You're next!
Paul: No. You're next! (they boys jump him and he sees the garlic in the bathtub) Garlic don't work, boys.
Edgar: Try the holy water, dead breath! (throws some water onto Paul's face.)
(Paul screams in agony then glares at Edgar and Alan. He makes a move to attack them but Nanook rushes in and knocks him into the bathtub filled with Holy Water. Paul fades away until all that's left is a skeleton.)
Sam: Mike, Wake up!
(Sam shoots an arrow at Dwayne who drops like a rock. Sam looks pretty proud of himself until Dwayne gets back up.)
Dwayne: You missed, sucker.
Sam: Only once, pal.
(Sam shoots him with another arrow, and Dwayne is thrown back into the stereo where he's electrocuted. Michael wakes up in time to see this.)
Sam: Death by stereo. (smiles)
(They move to go upstairs and they notice all the vampire sludge coming out of the pipes in the kitchen. Michael motions for Sam to continue up the stairs, but as he moves to follow he's knocked down by David.)
Sam: I nailed one of them downstairs with a bow and arrow.
Edgar: We trashed the one that looked like Twisted Sister.
Alan: We totally annihilated his night stalkin' ass!
Edgar: Well… Nonook helped a little. Death to all vampires! Maximum body count. We are awesome monster bashers!
Alan: The meanest!
Edgar: The baddest!
(Laddie is under the bed and he's vamped out. Suddenly he bursts through the mattress.)
Alan: Holy shit! The attack of Eddie Monster!
(Laddie runs over them and backs into a corner.)
Edgar: Get him!
(Star rushes in and pushes Laddie behind her.)
Star: Stop! Get away from him! Just stay away from him! He's just a little boy.
(The boys all look at Laddie who is desperately trying to get away from Star so he can attack them.)
(Michael has been attacked repeatedly by David.)
Michael: You're afraid to face me, David? Huh?!!
David: I tried to make you immortal.
Michael: You tried to make me a killer! (David attacks him again, and when he looks up, he's vamped out.)
David: You are a killer!
(Michael launches himself at David and they fly into a wall.)
David: My turn. (He shoves Michael towards the opposite wall which is covered in stag and deer horns.) Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you. Join us.
David: It is too late, my blood is in your veins.
Michael: So is mine!
(Michael does a quick reverse and throws David onto the horns, where David dies. But Michael does not un-vamp. The head Vampire is still alive. Star and the boys run down the stairs.)
Michael: (grabs and holds her in front of him) Don't let them see me like this. Get away, Sam.
Sam: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael: I said, get away!
Edgar: What's the big deal? You destroyed the head vampire. It's all over.
Michael: Nothing's changed.
Star: He's right. I don't feel any different.
Edgar: Then there's still one more.
(Lucy and Max have arrived.)
Lucy: Sam?! Michael?!
Sam: I'll handle Mom. Come on, go. Don't let her se the bodies.
Lucy: (runs in) What happened? Where's Michael? What happened to your face?
Sam: Mom, I think we need to have a long talk about some things.
Sam: Remember that food fight that Michael and I had…
Edgar: This has nothing to do with the food fight you guys had.
(They walk off. Max goes over to where David is. He looks at David for a moment and then walks away. He does not see Star or David who are hiding. Lucy and Sam come back into the living room.)
Lucy: I don't want to hear another word from you until I talk to Michael.
Max: I'm sorry, Lucy. This is all my fault. David and my boys misbehaved. But I told you, boys need a mother.
Lucy: Max, what are you talking about?
Sam: I knew it. You are the head vampire.
Mother: Sam, don't start this again.
Star: (comes out from hiding) You're the secret David was protecting. (Max nods)
Lucy: Who's this?
Alan: But you passed the test.
Max: Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless.
Sam: Did you know that?
Edgar: Of course. Everyone knows that.
Lucy: Has everyone gone crazy? What's the matter with all of you?
Max: It was you I was after, all along, Lucy.
Max: I knew that if I could get Sam and Michael into the family. There was no way you could say no.
Lucy: Where's Michael?
Max: It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big happy family. Your boys and my boys.
Edgar: Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch.
Max: (vamps out) I still want you, Lucy. I haven't changed my mind about that.
Michael: (comes out of hiding) I didn't invite you this time, Max.
(They all see that he's vamped out as well.)
(Michael rushes Max. Max throws Michael up to the 2nd floor where he's knocked unconscious. Star rushes Max, and Max shoves her down. Edgar and Alan also rush Max and Max knocks them away.)
Sam: Don't you touch my mother.
(Sam attacks Max and Max grabs him and holds him by the throat. He holds out his hand to Lucy.)
Max: Don't fight, Lucy. It's so much better if you don't fight.
Sam: Mom, don't! Don't do it, Mom!
Lucy: Sam. (She takes Max's hand and steps towards him.)
(Just as Max is about to bite we hear the sound of Grandpa's car horn. This wakes Michael up, and he jumps over the railing and shoves Max towards the car. As the car crashes through the living room wall a wooden pole flies off the car and impales Max. He flies back into the fireplace and explodes. Everyone gets covered with soot.)
Lucy: (sits up) Are you okay?
(Michael and Star sit up.)
Star: It's over.
(She and Michael hug. Laddie comes running down the stairs.)
Laddie: Star! Star!
Star: Laddie! (She goes over to him and they hug.)
Michael: Is everybody okay?
Lucy: Oh, Michael. Oh, my boys.
Edgar: (to Alan) How much do you think we should charge them for this?
(Grandpa doesn't say anything, he just goes into the kitchen.)
Mother: Dad! Dad, are you all right?
(Grandpa takes a Root Beer out of the fridge and takes a good swig.)
Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach, all the damn vampires.
(Sam and Michael looked shocked. Grandpa closes the fridge leaving them in the dark.)