Jaynestown
(SERENITY - CARGO BAY)
(Kaylee and Simon are standing on opposite sides of a corridor, talking.)
Kaylee: Come on, admit it, it's true.
Simon: No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear words like anybody else.
Kaylee: Oh, really? See, I never heard you. So when is it you do all of this cussin'? After I go to bed, or...
Simon: I swear when it's appropriate.
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate. (She smiles, then turns to see Inara crossing the cargo bay and climbing up the stairs toward her shuttle.) Hey, there, Inara! Heading off for some glamorous romance?
Inara: (chuckles) Lets hope so. See you two tomorrow. Don't let Mal get you into too much trouble while I'm gone.
Kaylee: Bye, now. Have good sex. (Inara goes up the stairs.)(re: Simon's look) What?
(They hear a crashing noise off screen.)
(INFIRMARY)
(Jayne stands in the middle of the room, which is a shambles. He has tape around his midsection. Kaylee and Simon walk in.)
Simon: Oh!
Kaylee: Now, this would be the perfect time for a swear word.
Simon: What...happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne: Apparently.
Simon: My god -- you're like a trained ape. Without the training.
(Mal enters, sees the gun Jayne is strapping to his belly.)
Mal: Jayne. I told you we're setting down at the Canton factory settlement on Higgins' moon.
Jayne: Yep. That you did.
Mal: Canton don't allow guns in their town
Jayne: Yes sir. That's why I ain't strapping one to my hip.
Mal: No. That's why you ain't strapping one anywhere.
Jayne: Oh, listen, Mal -- I was in Canton a few years back, I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No, how can it be?
Jayne: I just don't like the idea of us going in there empty-handed is all.
Mal: Why are you still arguing what's been decided?
(Jayne looks at Mal, sighs, then rips tape off his belly. Whimpers.)
(SPACE)
(Serenity’s approaching planet.)
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
Wash: (on comm) Okay, Inara, we're atmospheric. You are good to go.
Inara: Thanks, Wash. Disengaging in three, two, one.
(Shuttle disengages, Firefly lands on Higgins' moon. Crew gets out.)
Simon: Canton really...stinks.
Mal: That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to.
Wash: I vote we do this job really, really fast.
Mal: Kessler's our man. He's holding the goods we're to deliver. We go in, make contact. Easy peasy. Zoe, you're holding down the fort. Call ahead to Bernoulli, let him know we'll have his merchandise end of the week.
Wash: Don't I usually stay with the ship?
Zoe: I outrank you. (kisses Wash) Have fun.
Simon: So, this is a place where they...they make mud.
Kaylee: Yep. Clay really. You'd be surprised how many things it ends up in. Serenity's got more than a few ceramic parts in her.
Simon: Really?
Kaylee: Yeah.
Simon: Huh.
Kaylee: Captain, don't you think Simon should come with us?
Simon: What? Oh, Kaylee, I don't--I don't think that...
Book: You go on, boy. See the sights. I can watch over your sister. I believe we've been developing a rapport.
Simon: I--I don't know, River can be...
Book: Go on. I'm a Shepherd, after all. I should be able to keep my eye on a flock of one.
Mal: I'm not going that far, Doctor, and you might maybe make yourself useful.
Jayne: Come again?
(He is clearly wearing a disguise -- hood, goggles.)
Mal: The management here don't take kindly to sight-seers, which is why we're... (Notices Jayne's getup) ...posing as buyers. There ain't a one of us looks the part more than the good Doctor. I mean, the pretty fits, soft hands, definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over...
Simon: All right. Fine. I'll go. Just stop describing me.
Mal: (salutes) You're the boss, boss.
Jayne: He's the boss now? Day keeps getting better and better.
(The crew walks off, toward town.)
(PLANET - MUD PITS – DAY)
Foreman: Area's employees only! You best be getting back to the landing unless you have business here!
Simon: Yes. Yes, I, I'm looking. To buy some mud.
Foreman: Well, then. (chuckles) Come to the right place! (He claps Simon on the shoulder, leaving a muddy handprint, and walks off, the crew following.) Of course we can handle any volume here. We have over 2,000 workers, mostly indentured. We pay them next to nothing, that way we can pass the savings directly on to you, the customer.
Simon: Savings? Uh, excellent. That's, uh, because, as I -- as I said before, I'm going to, um, I'm going to be needing quite a bit of it. I, uh, I-I'm a buyer.
Foreman: Yup, best of its kind. Uh, we mix it, we brick it raw, right here on the premises. Uh, you add the right catalyst, you kiln it proper, this stuff's ten times stronger than steel at half the weight.
Simon: Yes. Uh, I - I've heard, uh, great things, about the mud.
Wash: (to Kaylee) What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?
Kaylee: He's learning.
Mal: Excuse me, boss? I'm sure the foreman has things need attending. Why don't we wander a bit, take a look at the operation, then you can figure on whether we get an account here.
Simon: Yes? Yes. Yes, we'll, uh, we'll wander a bit.
Foreman: Fair enough. Come and see me when you're through.
(He walks off.)
Mal: All right, let's head to worker-town. Find our man Kessler, get this job done.
(Crew walks off)
(WORKER TOWN)
Jayne: Boy's going to get us killed. Let's just do this deal and get.
Mal: His disguise ain't half as funny as yours. Who're you supposed to be, anyway?
Wash: You haven't been here in years, Jayne. You really think you need that getup? No one's going to remember you.
Mal: I think it's possible they might.
(They all look and see a mud statue of Jayne. Legend: JAYNE COBB. They just stare.)
Simon: Son of a bitch.
Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You want to tell me how come there's a statue of you here looking at me like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishing I could, Captain.
Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me?
Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way South. I had to hightail it. They don't...put you on a pedestal in town square for that.
Mal: Yeah, except I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
Wash: I think they captured him, though – you know...captured his essence.
Kaylee: Looks sort of angry, don't he?
Wash: That's kinda what I meant.
(A whistle sounds in the background.)
Foreman: Shift four on duty. Shift four on duty.
Jayne: Oh hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?
Mal: I don't know. This here's a spectacle might warrant a moment's consideration.
Kaylee: Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me.
Jayne: Come on, gorram it. We got a job. Let's go do it, get the hell out of here. I crossed the magistrate of this company town, understand? He ain't exactly a forgiving sort of guy.
(MAGISTRATE'S HOUSE)
Inara: Magistrate Higgins, I presume?
Higgins: You may, but I only make the people I own use my title. "Mister Higgins" will do fine. (kisses her hand)
Inara: And you can call me Inara, Mr. Higgins.
Higgins: It's a rare pleasure, your visit to my little moon. Journey wasn't too taxing?
Inara: Not at all. I'm refreshed and ready. Shall we begin at, say, 7:30?
Higgins: Perfect. I have a feeling it will take all your arts to deal with this particular problem.
Inara: Every problem, Mr. Higgins, is an opportunity in disguise.
(SERENITY - KITCHEN AREA)
(River sits at the kitchen table. Book enters.)
Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um, what?
River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense.
(She's marked up the bible, with crossed-out passages.)
Book: No, no. You - you can't...
River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. 11 inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of 11 11 times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.
Book: Really?
River: We'll have to call it "early quantum state phenomenon." Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat. (rips out page)
Book: Give me that. River, you don't...fix the Bible.
River: It's broken. Doesn't make sense.
Book: It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you. (tries to take Bible pages from River; fails) You hang on to those, now.
(WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR)
(Crew sitting around table. A busker is strumming a guitar in the center of the room.)
Jayne: Can't be a statue of me. No reason for it. Flies in the face of every kind of sense.
Mal: Won't argue with that.
(Wash gags, spits out what he's just drunk.)
Wash: (in Chinese) What kind of rotten food is this?
Jayne: Mm-hmm. They call it "Mudder's milk." (Wash gags) All the protein, vitamins, and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus 15% alcohol.
Wash: It's horrific.
Simon: Well, it worked for the Egyptians.
Jayne: What's that?
Simon: The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was. Not so different from the ancestral form of beer they fed the slaves to build their pyramids. It's liquid bread. Kept them from starving and knocked them out at night so they wouldn't be inclined to insurrection.
Kaylee: Wow, Simon. That was so...historical.
Mal: (spots Well-Dressed Man; to himself) What's a gussied-up fellow like you doing in a place like this?
Jayne: (to staring boy) Shake your head, boy. Your eyes are stuck. Git! The staring boy jumps and runs away.
Well-Dressed Man: You wouldn't be looking for Kessler?
Mal: Just having a brew.
Well-Dressed Man: I knew a Kessler.
Mal: "Knew?"
Well-Dressed Man: He was a good middleman. Low profile. Didn't filch. Last week, the factory foreman and his prod crew heard he was moving contraband through town. Gave him a peck of trouble for it.
Mal: What kind of peck was that?
Well-Dressed Man: The kind where they hacked off his hands and feet with a machete, rolled him into the bog.
Wash: They peck pretty hard around here.
Mal: Listen, my client offworld is waiting for his delivery. If the goods are gone...
Well-Dressed Man: Not to worry. Your man's merchandise is here, safe in Kessler's hiding place. We just got to figure out how to get it across town without being seen by the foreman and his prods. I advise we all just lay low for a moment.
(He walks off. The busker begins to sing.)
Jayne: (Chinese) Yeh-soo ta ma duh.
Busker: Jayne \ The man we call Jayne \ He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor \ Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for \ Our love for him now ain't hard to explain \ The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne \ Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking \ He saw the Mudders lament \ And he saw the magistrate taking \ Every dollar and leaving five cents \ So he said, "You can't do that to my people" \ He said... (singing continues)
Mal: (over singing) Um...Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah, Mal?
Mal: You got any light you'd like to shed on this development?
Jayne: No, Mal.
Simon: No. This must be what going mad feels like.
(Singing continues)
Mudders: Our love for him now ain't hard to explain \ The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne
Busker: Now here is what separates heroes \ From common folk like you and I \ The man they call Jayne \ He turned 'round his plane \ And let that money hit the sky
Jayne: Ohhh, I'll be gorrammed. That's where that cash went. I stole that money from Higgins just like the song says, lifted me one of his hovercraft. But I got tagged by anti-aircraft, started losing altitude. Had dump them strongboxes to stay airborne. Oh...60,000, untraceable. And I drop it right square in the middle of mud-farmer central.
Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!
Mudders: (singing) The man they call Jayne!
(SERENITY - BOOK'S ROOM)
(Book loosens his hair and washes his face.)
River: Hello?
Book: In here, River
River: I'm...I tore these out of your symbol and they turned into paper. But I want to put them back, so...
(Book stands up from washing his face. His hair is out of it's usual ponytail. He looks like Albert Einstein after sticking his finger in a light socket.)
Book: I'm sorry, what's that? (River screams, runs away.) River? River, come back
Zoe: Preacher, what the hell did you sic on... (sees him) Woah! Oh.
(WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR – NIGHT)
(The singing has finally stopped.)
Jayne: Captain, now they're off the subject of me, shouldn't we be getting the hell out of here?
Mal: I'd say that's a reasonable request, considering the circumstances.
Jayne: Ruttin' mudders.
(All get up from the table and walk out of the bar. Then they see a huge crowd of mudders waiting for them. The mudders cheer.)
Mudders: JAYNE!! (chanting) Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne!
(Jayne runs back into bar.)
Jayne: Gimme some milk.
(The bartender gives Jayne a jar. Jayne drinks.)
Mudder Man: Don't you understand? He's come back! It's Jayne!
(The Bartender swipes milk bottle from Jayne's hand.)
Jayne: What the..?!
Bartender: Hero of Canton won't be drinking that (in Chinese) stinking horse piss. (in English) He drinks the best whiskey in the house!
(The mudders cheer. Mal re-enters bar.)
Well-Dressed Man: What the hell's going on? This how people lay low where you're from?
Mal: Not generally, no.
Well-Dressed Man: Listen, friend. I came here to make sure a deal went down solid, not to get chopped up by the Canton prod crew and fed to the bog.
Mal: I understand your concerns, friend. This here's all part of our new plan.
(He smiles and the man walks off. Rest of crew has returned to bar.)
Kaylee: Captain, how exactly is this part...?
Mal: Still working the details.
(INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(She's lighting candles, making tea. Higgins enters, a young man behind him.)
Higgins: Inara, allow me to introduce my son, Fess Higgins.
Inara: Hello, Fess. Mr. Higgins, this shuttle is a place of union. I'm sure you can appreciate...
Higgins: What is this? I brought you here to bed my son, not throw him a tea party.
Inara: Sir, the Companion Greeting Ceremony is a ritual with centuries of tradition...
Higgins: My son is 26 years old and he ain't yet a man. Twenty-six. And since he can't find a willin' woman himself...
Inara: Mr. Higgins, you're not allowed here.
Higgins: What?
Inara: As I've said, this room is a consecrated place of union. Only your son belongs here.
Higgins: Well, I'm...
Inara: Now, why don't you go on, and let us begin our work.
Higgins: Now listen here, young lady...
Inara: Good night, Mr. Higgins. (He leaves. Inara turns to Fess.) Well, that's a bit more peaceful. Will you sit?
(WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR)
Mudders: To Jayne! To Jayne!
Jayne: To me! (They drink. More cheering.) To the Mudders!
Mudders: To the Mudders!
(The cheering continues. Mal and Wash are sitting at a table nearby. A little ways away, Kaylee and Simon sit close together.)
Simon: (drunkenly) You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
Kaylee: (laughs) You are pretty funny.
Simon: And you're pretty....pretty.
Kaylee: What did you just say?
Simon: I just said that you're pretty. Even when you're covered in...engine grease, you're...No, especially, especially when you're covered in engine grease.
Mal: (interrupts) It's time to get out of this nuthouse. Got some planning to work out.
Kaylee: Now, Captain? Things are going so well.
Mal: I suppose. Jayne's certainly feeling better about life, but...
Kaylee: I said, things are going well. (meaningful look)
Mal: Oh, "well." (looks at Simon) Well, I tell you what. Jayne is stuck here with his adoring masses - why don't you and Simon hang around and keep an eye on him for me.
(They toast, Mal walks off with Wash. Kaylee smiles at Simon.)
(SERENITY - CARGO BAY)
(Book is looking into River's hiding place under the Cargo Bay stairs.)
River: (os) They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Book: River? Why don't you come out?
River: No! I can't. Too much hair.
(Zoe chuckles.)
Book: Is that it?
Zoe: Hell, yes, Preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her.
Book: It's the rules of my order. Like the book. It symbolizes...
Zoe: Uh huh. River, honey? He's putting the hair away now.
River: It'll still be there....waiting.
(Mal and Wash enter the cargo bay.)
Wash: Honey, we're home!
Zoe: Where you guys been? Mal, Bernoulli's chomping at the bit. Says he wants his merchandise yesterday.
Mal: Yeah, well, we still got a few wrinkles to work out on the deal.
Wash: Did you know that Jayne is a bona fide folk hero? Got a song and everything.
Zoe: What? You been drinking, husband.
Mal: That he has. Don't make it any less the case.
Zoe: You telling me that Jayne...
Mal: It's true. True enough -- We can use it, anyway. We talked a few pillars of the Mudder community into having a little Jayne Day celebration in town square tomorrow. (Wash starts laughing.) It should buy us enough of a distraction to get the stolen goods out from under the foreman and his crew of prods.
Zoe: (to Wash) You're really going to have to start again. Jayne's a what?
(INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(Fess and Inara are sitting next to each other, taking tea.)
Fess: This whole thing, uh...it, it is embarrassing. My father's right again, I guess. And to have to bring you here, and...
Inara: Your father's not right, Fess. It's not embarrassing to be virgin. It's simply one state of being. As far as bringing me here, Companions choose the people they're to be with very carefully. For example, if your father had asked me to come here for him, I wouldn't have.
Fess: Really?
Inara: Really, Fess. You're different from him. The more you accept that, the stronger you'll become.
(She takes of his glasses and kisses him.)
(WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR)
Jayne: So, the magistrate, he let you folks keep all that cash?
Mudder Man: He did. And it pained him, that's for dead sure. When he found out, he sent his prods in to take it back from us, but the workers resisted.
Jayne: Fought the law, huh?
Mudder Man: If the Mudders are together on a thing, there's too many of us to be put down. So in the end, he just called it a bonus.
Jayne: That's one hell of a bonus.
Mudder Man: And then, when we put that statue of you in town square, he rolled in, wanted to tear it down.But the whole town rioted.
Jayne: (touched) You guys had a riot? On account of me? A real riot?
Mudder Man: I can't believe you're back.
Jayne: How could I stay away?
(He hugs the mudders closest to him.)
(MAGISTRATE HIGGINS’ HOUSE)
(Magistrate Higgins is pouring himself a drink when the Foreman enters.)
Foreman: Magistrate Higgins...
Higgins: My son's out there I pray to God losing his cherry.
Foreman: There's a problem in worker-town, sir.Jayne Cobb's come back.
(MUD PITS)
(The Foreman and Magistrate Higgins stand outside what appears to be a storage area. The foreman knocks on what looks like a storage shed, unlocks it, opens the door.)
Higgins: Evenin', Stitch.
Stitch: (inside dark cell) What do you want with me?
Higgins: Nothing. Done your time, you paid your debt. It's time you were on your way. (Stitch comes out of the cell. He's missing one eye, has wild hair and beard. He has trouble standing. Higgins hands him a bag.) Here.... I believe these were your personal effects.
Stitch: You keep me in that box four years, you give me a loaded gun?
Higgins: You got the urge to use it, no doubt. But I'm not the one who brought you in on that robbery. I'm not the one who partnered up with you and then turned on you when his plan went South. How high up was that Shuttle when he pushed you out? 30 feet? Jayne Cobb cost you four years of your life plus a perfectly good eyeball. But here's the poetical portion - he's back in town. This very day. Best of luck in your new life.
(Higgins walks off. Stitch cocks his shotgun.)
(WORKER-TOWN - SQUARE – DAY)
(Establishing shot.)
(MUDDER BAR)
(Kaylee and Simon are asleep together on bench. Mal approaches.)
Kaylee: (sleepily) Hey, Captain. (wakes up more; sits up) Captain!
Simon: Hey...Mal, uh, Mal... No, nuh-nuh-nothing happened. No, there was, uh, there was some drinking, but, uh, we, no we certainly didn't. No, I would never ! Not with Kaylee...
Kaylee: What do you mean, Not with me?
Mal: Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?
(Jayne enters from upstairs, his arm around a woman, and walks down to the bar area.)
Jayne: (singing) My love for me now ain't hard to explain/The Hero of Canton/The man they call...ME (speaking, now) Eggs. The living legend needs eggs. Or maybe another milk.
Mal: No, the living legend needs to come with us. He's got a little appearance to make.
Jayne: He does?
Mal: That's right This job here's gone way past long enough.
Jayne: Yeah, all right. (To woman) Well, you go on now, I've got me important hero-type stuff to do.
(Mal gathers his crew and begins to walk off.)
Kaylee: (to Simon) Where you going?
Simon: I'm going with you.
Kaylee: Mmm, I don't think so. No, maybe you ought to stay here. It's about the time for a civilized person to have his breakfast. That's the sort of thing would be appropriate, don't you think?
(Simon gapes. Rest of crew leaves.)
Simon: (sighs; to Bartender) Excuse me, could I see a menu?
Bartender: A what?
(INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(Inara and Fess are curled up in bed, post-coital.)
Inara: You're very quiet.
Fess: I'm sorry. I just...I just thought I'd feel...different...after. Aren't I supposed to be a man now?
Inara: A man is just a boy who's old enough to ask that question. Our time together....It's a ritual, a symbol. It means something to your father. I hope it was not entirely forgettable for you.
Fess: No, it was..
Inara: But it doesn't make you a man. You do that yourself.
(Suddenly there is a loud banging on door.)
Higgins: Fess! Fess Higgins! Get out here!
(WORKER-TOWN – STREET)
Mal: So, that's where the little "Jayne Celebration" we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.
Jayne: I don't know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne: No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there's something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know -- Me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass.
Jayne: You know, they threw a riot on my account? A riot...
(Wash and Zoe ride up on the mule.)
Wash: Morning, kids!
Zoe: Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Jayne: Oh hell, I'll pinch you!
Mal: Just get on over to town square, Jayne. Your fans are waiting.
(Wash, Zoe, Mal, and Kaylee ride off.)
(SPARCE FORESTY AREA)
Zoe: Do you really think we can get this stuff cross town without being noticed?
Mal: Got to find it first. Here we go. (Camera pans down to reveal that the hill they are standing on is built over a large parcel.) Let's get it dug up.
(INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(Fess is dressed. Inara is wearing a loose robe and pouring more tea.)
Inara: A criminal hearing?
Fess: Yeah, my father's ordered me to attend. You see, there's this man, uh...It happened when I was growing up here. He stole a ton of money from my dad, gave it to the poor, to my father's workers. He's become kind of folk hero in Canton.
Inara: Go on.
Fess: Well, he's back, apparently. He landed here yesterday.
Inara: Yesterday. Oh, no. I - I know this man. He just has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting... but there's a side to him that's just so...
Fess: You mean you actually know Jayne?
Inara: Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?
Fess: Yes, Jayne Cobb. The Hero of Canton. The only person I ever saw who stood up to my father.
Inara: I... (flabbergasted)
Fess: My dad had him traced back to his ship. He had Port Control put a land-lock on it. Jayne will get back and find out that he's grounded. I sort of hate the idea of his getting caught.
Inara: Yes, that would be bad.
(WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR)
(Simon examines the gruel he was served for breakfast.)
Simon: (clears throat) Could I just get the...the check...please...
(The door opens, Stitch enters.)
Stitch: Heard tell you run with Jayne Cobb.
Simon: Excuse me?
Stitch: You going to take me to that dirty, low-down shingle of a man?
Simon: Listen, uh, sir... I don't know who...
(Stitch grabs him, lifts him out of his seat, punches him.)
Stitch: Sir?! Look at me you pantywaist idiot! (Kicks Simon) I just spent the last four years steaming in a hot-box and you're Sir-ing me? (kicks him again). The folks say you're part of Jayne's team, so... (picks Simon up; slams him against wall) So, where is that no-good reptile hiding hisself? (takes out knife; holds it to Simon's throat) Tell me, boy, or I'll cut off every last bit of them good looks!
(Simon reaches for a bottle on the ground, crashes it on Stitch's head. Stitch cuts Simon on his forearm, knocks him back to the ground.)
Stitch: Ohh, not done yet, young'un. (Picks up Simon) That's going to cost you an eye.
Mudders: (outside chanting) Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Stitch: Come on!
(He drags Simon outside)
(TOWN – SQUARE)
(The crew of Serenity rides up on loaded mule.)
Wash: They love their boy.
Mal: Just drive by now, nice and slow.
Mudders: (chanting) Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Prod: Come on, sir. Let's just get...
Foreman: Magistrate says no. We hold position. Understand me?
(SERENITY - CARGO BAY)
Mal: Zoe, pack down the cargo. Wash, you heat up Serenity. We're blowing this mess inside half an hour.
Wash: Already there.
Mal: (to Kaylee) Let's go get our wayward babes.
(WORKER-TOWN – SQUARE)
Mudders: (chanting) Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
(Jayne walks through the crowd and stands in front of his statue.)
Mudders: Speech! Speech!
Jayne: Uh...I'm no good with words. Don't...don't use 'em much, myself. (crowd chuckles) But I want to thank you all for being here, and for thinking so much of me... Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-hill 'verse....But you took that end... well, you took it. And that's... well, I guess that's something.
(Mudders cheer.)
Kaylee: Wow. That didn't sound half-bad.
Mal: I'm shocked my own self.
(Stitch shoots off shotgun, the crowd parts to reveal Stitch holding a beaten Simon.)
Jayne: Stitch Hessian...
Stitch: (chuckles) Well, hey there, Jayne. Thought I'd make you watch while I butchered me one of your boys.
Jayne: He ain't a one of mine. Where you been hiding? You gone and got yourself looking mighty hideous.
Stitch: (laughs) Yeah...
Foreman: (to Prod) Now Jayne gets his.
(Kaylee approaches Simon, who is face-down on the ground.)
Kaylee: Oh, honey...
Simon: Kaylee?
(She helps him up.)
Stitch: So, what's this about a "Hero of Canton?" Was I hearing that right? Four years of lock-down plays tricks on the ear.
Jayne: I ain't a hero, Stitch. Just a working stiff like you.
Stitch: (laughs) Yep, he's right. Jayne is. We used to work together, he and I. (pulls gun on Mal, who has been approaching) Now why don't you just let ol' Stitch speak his piece?
Mal: Go on, then.
Stitch: Whole lot of money in a Magistrate's safe, weren't there, Jayne? Got away clean, too! But then our plane took a hit, and we're going down. We dumped the fuel reserve, dumped the life support, hell, we even dumped the seats! The, there's Jayne, the money, and me. And there was no way he was going to drop that money.
Mudder Man: He did. He dropped it on the Mudders.
Stitch: By accident, you in-bred dung-head! He tossed me out first! For six months, we run together, he turned me out before I could scream!
Jayne: You'd have done the same.
Stitch: No, never. You protect the man you're with. You watch his back. Everybody knows that! Well, except the Hero of Canton.
Jayne: You gonna talk me to death, buddy? Is that the plan?
Stitch: This is the plan.
(He aims his gun, fires at Jayne. The mudder man who has been shadowing Jayne the whole episode dives between Jayne and the bullet. Crowd screams. The man lay at Jayne’s feet. Jayne throws his knife at Stitch, then charges him. They fight. Jayne slams Stitch into the ground. Crowd watches. Jayne notices the mudder man on the ground.)
Jayne: Get up...get up, you stupid piece of... (rolls the man over; he's dead) What did you do that for? What's wrong with you? Didn't you hear a word he said? (The mudder boy approaches Stitch's body and removes Jayne's knife.) All of you! You think there's someone just going to drop money on you?! Money they could use?! Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me.
(The mudder boy approaches Jayne, presents knife. Jayne takes the knife out of the boys hands. Turns, goes to Jayne statue, topples it.)
(SERENITY AIRLOCK)
(The crew boards ship. Kaylee helps Simon walk. Jayne's hands are bloody.)
Mal: (on comm) Wash, we're on. Get us the hell off of this mud ball.
Wash: Uh, yeah, I'm working on it.
(BRIDGE)
(Wash is frantically pushing buttons, trying to get the ship started. He sees the ship is land-locked on a small display.)
Wash: (Chinese) Goo yong jong dun goo yang.
Inara: (entering) Hello, Wash. Has there been a problem with takeoff?
Wash: Is there a problem! Is there a problem?!? (sees "Land-Lock released" on screen) No. We're fine.
(Inara smiles.)
(MAGISTRATE HIGGINS'S HOUSE)
Higgins: You did what?!?
Fess: I sent an override to Port Control. Lifted the land-lock on Serenity.
Higgins: I ought to wipe that smile off your head. How dare you defy me?
Fess: You wanted to make a man out of me, Dad. I guess it worked.
(PLANET)
(Shot of Serenity lifting off and entering atmo.)
(SERENITY – CATWALK)
(Jayne leans on the catwalk railing, looking at the knife he used to kill Stitch.)
(KITCHEN AREA)
(River is sitting at the table working in a book. Book approaches.)
River: Just keep walking, preacher-man.
(SIMON'S ROOM)
(Kaylee is patching up the good doctor.)
Kaylee: You got to be steely. You can't be letting men stomp on you so much
Simon: It wasn't exactly a plan...
Kaylee: You ain't weak. You couldn't beat them back? Or would that not be appropriate?
Simon: You're never letting go of that, are you?
Kaylee: Well, you confound me some, is all. I mean, you like me well enough, and we get along...and then you go all stiff.
Simon: (stiffens) I'm, I'm not, um, I didn't...
Kaylee: See! You're doing it right now! What's so damn important about being proper? It don't mean nothing out here in the black.
Simon: It means more out here. It's all I have. I mean... My way of being polite, or however it's...well, it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. I'm showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when we made love last night...
Simon: When we WHAT!?
Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark.
(CATWALK)
(Mal joins Jayne on the catwalk, leaning on the railing.)
Jayne: Don't make no sense. What...Why the hell did that Mudder have to go and do that for, Mal? Jumping in front of that shotgun blast. Hell, there weren't a one of them understood what happened out there. They're probably sticking that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don't know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It's my estimation that...every man ever got a statue made of him, was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. About what they need.
Jayne: Don't make no sense.
BLACK OUT.