(What appears to be a black hole of some kind suddenly opens up with a flash and a spaceship comes into view. We can see that the name on the hull is the NSEA Protector. It soon becomes obvious that this is a TV show much like Star Trek.)
Laredo: (vo) We're exiting the time knot now sir!
(The members of the crew are all on the bridge. All of them are humanoid except for one, Dr. Lazarus. Laredo is a young boy piloting the ship. He appears to be about 10 years old. All of the crew give each other relieved smiles at Laredoís announcement.)
Tech Sgt. Chen: We're alive.
Laredo: We made it, Commander. We made it!
Dr. Lazarus: By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
Computer: Systems register functional.
Tawny Madison: (to the Commander) All systems are working, Commander.
(They all turn and look at the Commander who turns in his chair to face forward. He looks around at all of them with a somewhat worried look on his face.)
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: I don't like it. (beat) It was too easy...
Laredo: Wait. Oh no. Theyíre everywhere!(Suddenly an alarm goes off. His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then hundreds of time knots.) They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
(Suddenly an explosion rocks the ship.)
Tawny: A trap.
Dr. Lazarus: We're surrounded, Commander.
Chen: It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped.
Dr. Lazarus: Surrender may be our only option.
Commander: No! Never give up ... NEVER surrender.
Laredo: Your orders sir? Sir, your orders?
(The Commander sits in close up with a look of determination on his face. He makes a decision.)
Commander: Activate the Omega 13.
(Fade To Black)
(The screen goes white and shows a copyright notice.)
(We pull back into a very large convention room. Legions of Galaxy Quest fans sit enthralled. They suddenly burst into applause. Itís very obvious that we are at a science fiction convention. The leader of the convention, Guy, comes to the podium.)
Guy: Well? ... Huh? ... Well, there ya are. Huh? Yeah!
(The crowd cheers as the Galaxy Quest Convention #18 logo comes up.)
Guy: Yeah! Yeah! ... Thatís what Iím talking about. (beat) You are the first people to see the lost Galaxy Quest episode 92 - two parter, since it was originally aired in 1982! Huh? Yeah! All Right! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for ... the intrepid crew of the NSEA Protector!
(He looks over at one of the stage people who is motioning for him to stall.)
(The real actors are all dressed up in their Galaxy Quest uniforms. Tawny is played by Gwen Demarco. Dr. Lazarus is played by veteran stage actor Alexander Dane. Fred Kwan, who plays Tech Sgt. Chen, sits in a chair doing a puzzle. Alexander is sitting in front of a mirror touching his alien prosthetic make-up. Tommy Webber, who played Laredo, is now much older. He sits in another chair reading the paper.)
Fred: (to himself) ...red scarf. Black shoes. Wait. White scarf, black buttons, white shoes.
Tommy: (looks up) Now where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!
Gwen: (looks through curtain) I mean, this is unreal! They're going to start eating each other out there.
Tommy: Oh, did you hear? He booked another appearance without us?
Gwen: You're kidding.
Guy: (given the stretch sign again) Uh. Uh. Oh.
(Alexander still sits staring at himself in the mirror. He looks disgusted with himself.)
Alexander: Dear GodÖhow did I come to this?
Tommy: (sighs) Not again...
Alexander: I played Richard III...
Fred: Five curtain calls...
Alexander: There were five curtain calls! I was an Actor once, damn it. Now look at me ... LOOK AT ME! I cannot go out there, and I wonít say that stupid line one more time. I canít ... and I wonít.
Gwen: Well, Alex, at least you had a part. Okay? You had a character people loved! I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit. No one even bothered to ask me what I DO on the show.
Fred: You had the, wait, wait I'll think of it...
Gwen: I repeated the computer, Fred.
(Suddenly the rear stage door opens and Jason Nesmith, the Commander, strolls in.)
Jason: Whew! Your Commander is on deck. Ha Ha. Wow, that smog is thick today, huh? Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack? (looks at Alexander, who throws down stuff with a clatter) Apparently not. You know, you should get that looked at. (referring to Alexís head)
(Guy is continuing to stall while the audience grows restless.)
Guy: Letís take a look at a few more clips.
(The others gang up on Jason.)
Jason: Okay, what did I do? Hmmm?
(The audience is chanting in the background "We want the crew, we want the crew.")
Guy: (os) (Over a film clip showing the Commander defending Alex.) For those four seasons, we developed the same affection for the crew as the crew had for each other.
Guy: (os) These werenít just adventurers exploring space. Friends Ė These were friends.
Tommy: You are so full of it, man!
Jason: Itís not a big deal. These guys put a little set in their basement. Iím there about an hour. Itís nothing, Gwen. (approaching Gwen) They wanted the Commander.
(Suddenly they get hit with some bright light. They turn to see Alexander going out the exit.)
Tommy: There he goes Ė
Jason: Alexander, wait a minute. Grab him! Grab him!
(They all run and tackle Alex.)
(Guy is finally given the thumbs up to proceed.)
Guy: Okay! (the fans applaud) Yeah! Here we go!
(Jason is now trying to get Alex to come back into the room.)
Jason: Come on, old friend, old friend.
Alexander: You stole all my best lines? You cut me out of episode two entirely.
Guy: (os) Tawny Madison, my personal favorite.
Gwen: (pushing past Jason and Alexander) Excuse me!
Guy: Gwen DeMarco!
(The crowd cheers as Gwen leaps out onto the stage.)
Guy: Yeah, thatís what Iím talking about! Letís hear a warm welcome ... for crack gunner, Laredo, Tommy Webber!
(Jason and Alexander are struggling.)
Jason: You will ... go out there.
Alexander: I wonít. And nothing you can say will make me.
Jason: The show must go on.
Alexander: Damn You! Damn You! I wonít say that stupid line one more time.
Guy: (os) Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Fred Kwan! Tev'meck ... Alexander Dane.
(Alex walks out on stage and takes a bow.)
Guy: Yeah! All right!
Dr. Lazarus: (on screen behind Alex) "By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'"
(Alex cringes, desperately unhappy.)
Guy: Yeah! All right!
Man: That guy can act.
Guy: And finally, my ... my fellow Questarians, the brave Commander of the NSEA PROTECTOR... Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter Quincy Quincy Quincy Quincy Quincy Taggart Taggart Taggart Taggart ... JASON NESMITH.
(Jason comes out on stage. The spotlight follows him as he moves around. He interacts with the fans making them go crazy.)
Woman: We love you, Commander.
(Jasonís counterpart on the TV screen behind him does his famous speech. Jason, along with everyone in the hall, speaks along with him.)
Jason & everyone else: Never give up! Never Surrender! Damn the resonance cannons, full speed ahead!
(The rest of the crew exchange looks.)
Guy: The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks "b" and "c" near the coke machines.
(Jason looks a little irked because his microphone has been turned off.)
(Imperial Decks Ė Later)
(Our actors are all sitting at table signing autographs. They are surrounded by fans. Guy makes his way through the fans and stops in front of the table where Gwen and Tommy are seated.)
Guy: Excuse me, pardon me. Crew member coming through. Fans - right? Hey, Gwen.
Tommy: Oh, hey, man. I want to thank you for that nice intro you gave us today. ĖUm-
Guy: Guy. You probably donít remember me, do you? Itís the sunglasses, right? I was on the show in í82 Ė episode 81. Got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial AAAAh! Listen Ė uh Ė Maybe I could sit in and, oh, sign a couple of autographs? (Tommy just looks at him.)
(There are several fans dressed as Dr. Lazarus. They each come up to Alexander and salute.)
Fan: "By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you!"
(Alexander ignores this, grabs the photo from his hand, signs it, thrusts it back. The fan leaves but another takes his place.)
Fan2: "By Grabthar's hammer, by theÖ"
(Alexander grabs the photo and signs it before the fan can even finish. He thrusts it back into the hands of the fan.)
(Jason sits at a separate table talking a group of fans. A young boy listens to him talk with wide eyes.)
Jason: Had I moved an inch to the left the beast would have killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger...
Boy: How did you know what to do?
Jason: Come on! Without my crew, I'm not a Commander, huh. (he pokes the kid in the belly) I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok 7, right?
(The fans all nod their heads and murmur Ďyesí.)
(From where the rest of the cast sits Gwen watches all of this.)
Gwen: You gotta admit, they really do love him.
Tommy: Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.
(They watch as Jason answers another fans question. Jason happens to glance over and see Gwen smiling at him. She looks away, but he continues to look at her as Brandon steps up to the table.)
Brandon: Excuse me, Commander, Hey! Commander, I was wondering if you could help settle a dispute my crew and I seem to be having. Um, if you remember, in "The Quasar Dilemma"Ö
Jason: Excuse me for a minute, fellas. (leaves the table)
Brandon: (to his friends) I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum...
Girl: Miss Demarco? ... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the feeling that you and the Commander kind of had a thing. Did you?
Gwen: No. The Commander and I NEVER had a thing.
Jason: (to Girl) That's her story.
(Gwen looks up at Jason as the girl giggles and walks off. Jason smiles at Gwen. Rolling her eves Gwen rises and walks off.)
Jason: Gwen, Gwen. Gwen.
(Jason follows after Gwen, but runs into a handful of aliens. Their leader, Mathasar, bows respectfully then follows along as Jason pursues Gwen.)
Jason: Excuse me.
Mathasar: I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we need your help.
Jason: (stops and thinks) Oh, oh, oh. Is this about that gig tomorrow? Just hammer out the details with my agent, and make sure thereís a limo at my house. Last time I did one of these gigs they shoved me in the back of a Toyota. Remember, mumís the word.
Mathasar: I... certainly, but-um Ėmum Ė mum Ė mum Ė
(The other Thermians murmur Ďmumí.)
(Jason catches up to Gwen as she is getting her photo taken with several other fans dressed like her.)
Photographer: Look here and (takes picture) Ė Beautiful.
(Jason grabs Gwen and spins her into a dip.)
Jason: Crewman Madison, The mist of this strange planet is filling my head with such thoughts. (He leans in to kiss her, but Gwen brushes him off.)
Gwen: It was cute when I didn't know you. (walks off)
(Jason glances at the fans who were watching and pretends not to be hurt by her rejection.)
(Jason walks in for a little quiet time, but the bathroom is full. Jason enters the one empty stall and shuts the door. He sits down on the lid and tries to think. Two teenage boys enter the bathroom laughing. Jason can hear them through the closed door.)
Boy1: What a FREAK SHOW, man. Oh, this is HILARIOUS.
Boy2: Bunch of losers! Begginí for autographs at 15 bucks a pop. Ė These guys havenít had a real acting job for 20 years. This is all theyíve got. Did you check out Nesmith?
Boy1: He actually gets off on those retards thinking he's a space Commander! Yeah, Oh, and his friends...
Boy2: I know, they canít stand him. Did you hear them ragging on him in there?!! "Commander furry!..."
Boy1: Dude. He has no idea he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies. Heís pathetic.
Boy2: Ooh, come on. Come on. The Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on.
Boy1: Whoo! Full speed ahead, Lieutenant.
(They both exit and Jason leans back with an even more hurt look on his face.)
(Jason is back at his table signing autographs in a foul mood. He scribbles his name irritably, avoiding contact with the fans. Brandon approaches again with his friends.)
Brandon: Hey, Commander, uh. So, as I was saying, ... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b (to Kyle) could you get this ... deck B for Gamma override. The thing is that online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?
Jason: It's just a television show. Okay? That's all.
Brandon: Heh heh Ė ĎCause we were wondering if the quantum flux, now just listen on thisÖ
Jason: There IS no quantum flux and there IS no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship! You got it?
(At this point Jason realizes that the hall has fallen silent and that everyone is looking at him. He quickly gets up and leaves. Brandon and his friends try not to take this personally.)
(Gwenís apartment is nicely decorated in a very feminine fashion. Sheís talking to Alex on the phone.)
Gwen: I mean it. I Mean it, Alex. Iíve never seen him lose it like that. Not to a fan. I mean it was just weird.
(Alexander is walking around the living room, talking on the phone, with his headpiece still attached. His apartment is more sparsely furnished.)
Alexander: Gwen, I have said for years he's mentally unstable.
(He stands and goes over to the refrigerator. Thereís practically nothing in it except for this hunk of moldy cheese.)
Gwen: I Ė Iím worried. It just was not like him.
(Jason is sitting on the couch watching TV. Heís sipping a drink and flipping channels. He pauses on a episode of Galaxy Quest. As Commander Taggart on screen makes a speech, Jason mouths along with him.)
Commander Taggart: (on TV) As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars ... We'll be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew ... Never give up! Never surrender!
(Jason takes another drink.)
(Jason is now asleep on the floor by the coffee table. Heís obviously hung over. We can hear a knocking sound. Jason slowly wakes up and opens his eyes. He looks up and sees the Aliens from the convention standing outside his patio door, looking at him. He groans and gets up. He slowly makes his way over to the door. He opens the door without getting fully dressed. The aliens salute him Galaxy Quest style.)
Jason: Can I help you?!
(The leader, Mathasar, steps forward. He speaks quickly and with almost painfully correct grammar.)
Mathasar: Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach in protocolÖ
Jason: Right. You shouldnít come to my house.
Mathasar: ... but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been disastrous. Please Commander, you are our last hope. (beat) We have secured our limousine.
Jason: What? ... Oh, oh, oh, oh, um. Itís the thing for the thing thatís, um Ė (pauses as he notices the Thermians looking at his nether regions.) Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in.
(The aliens step inside the doorway and simply stand there. Jason wanders back over to the couch to search for his missing shoe.)
Mathasar: Commander, I must say that standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.
(All that they happen to see of Jason right now is his butt as he bends over to look for his shoes.)
Jason: Thatís Ė I really appreciate that. Would you guys look for another shoe that looks like this, please? (holds up a shoe)
(The aliens proceed to simply turn their heads this way and that looking for the shoe, but none of them actually move to search for it.)
(Jason is now sitting comfortable in the back of a limousine with the aliens. He is wearing sun glasses. The three male aliens sit across from him, and the one female alien sits next to him. Jason eyes her appreciatively.)
Lahnk: Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel...
Jason: Um Ė a Coca Cola? Do you have one of those?
(Lahnk looks to Mathasar for direction and Mathasar points to the small refrigerator in the limo. Lahnk reaches over and pulls out a Coke and hands it to Jason.)
Teb: Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our people and the Sarris Dominion in greater detail.
Jason: (to Laliari) Hey, how ya doiní?
Teb: In the 5 million years following the great nebula burst our people were one...
Jason: (to Laliari) Whatís your name?
(Laliari just sits there and smiles.)
Jason: (to Teb) Doesn't she talk?
Teb: Her translator is broken.
(Laliari opens her mouth to speak, but it comes out as a weird mix of sounds. Itís really hard to describe.)
Jason: Okey dokey... Ya know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to just shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to everything you say. Okay? ...
(Jason leans back in the seat and shuts his eyes as Teb begins to talk. The limousine pulls into an alley and comes to a stop. Suddenly it is lifted straight into the air and is disappears from view. A dog comes out of hiding, looks up, and barks.)
(Jason is still asleep. He is shaken gently by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see Laliari. Her translator has been fixed and she is able to talk.)
Laliari: Commander. Commander. I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck.
(Jason tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward.)
(Laliari escorts Jason towards the command deck. Jason looks around, still holding his can of Coke.)
Laliari: Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand you have been briefed.
Jason: Yeah, I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right?
Laliari: Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes...
Jason: Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to just wing this?
Laliari: Iím not sure I understand you...
(Mathasar walks up followed by several crewmen.)
Mathasar: Commander... Welcome to the Protector II.
Jason: Good to see ya.
Mathasar: Would you like to don your uniform?
Jason: You know what, Iíd like to skip that? I got this gig in Van Nuys in about a quarter of an hour. Is that all right?
Mathasar: As you wish.
(An overly nervous Thermian comes running up.)
Thermian: Sir... It's Sarris. He's here.
(A ship approaches the Protector II.)
Soldier: General. I have just received word the Thermians have appointed a new commander to handle the negotiations.
(Protector II Ė Command Deck)
(The door slides open and Jason walks into the room. To Jason it looks exactly like itís straight out of the TV show. He looks around, impressed, but still wearing his glasses.)
Jason: This is just great. You know, usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.
(The Therimains lead him over to the Command Chair and he sits down.)
Teb: Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are experiencing a ÖhmmmÖ reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis.
Jason: You know what I could use is a cup holder and a couple of Advil.
Navigator: We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?
Jason: Um, set it on screen saver two. (the Navigator looks confused) Because, you know, we gotta - Oh, Iím sorry to break the mood here, uh. Slow it down to Mark 2, lieutenant.
(The view screen is turned on and Sarris stands there. Heís a very evil looking alien. Sharp, black teeth, green skin, a metal handÖetc. The Thermians flinch in terror of him.)
Sarris: I see fear. That is expected. (pause) Ah, they bring a new Commander...
Jason: Itís good.
Sarris: Here are my demands.
Jason: Itís scary.
Sarris: And if I do not hear what I likeÖ
Sarris: Öthen there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine.
(Jason takes a sip of coke and checks his watch.)
Sarris: ÖI require the Omega 13... Second Ė I will require a technicianÖ
Jason: (very blasť) Okey dokey, okey dokey, Let's fire blue particle cannons full ... red particle cannons full. Gannet magnets fire them left and right. And let Ďem run all chutes. And while youíre at it why donít ya toss that at Ďem, killer. (Jason tosses the empty coke can to the gunner.) That should take care of old Lobster-head, shouldnít it?
(He then gets up and leaves the Command Deck.)
(Jason emerges and looks both ways trying to get his bearings. Several of the Thermians chase after him as he enters the corridor, exchanging stunned glances, trying to absorb the magnitude of what just happened.)
Mathasar: Commander? Where are you going?
Mathasar: Home? You mean Earth?
Jason: Yeah. "Earth." I need to get back to "Earth," kids.
(He turns a corner. You can faintly hear the sounds of explosions outside the ship.)
Mathasar: But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him.
Jason: Yeah. Yeah. Long live... What's the name of your planet, again?
Jason: Long live Thermia. This way?
Mathasar But what if Sarris survives?
Jason: Oh, I doubt it. I gave him both barrels.
Mathasar: He has a very powerful ship.
Jason: If you got any more problems with the guy, just, you know, give me a call. (bumps his leg) Ow!
(Mathasar holds out a VOX for Jason to take.)
Mathasar: An interstellar VOX.
Jason: A what? Hey.
(Mathasar gives Jason a hug and then shakes his hand.)
Mathasar: How can we thank you, Commander? You - You have saved our people.
Jason: Yeah, okay. You know you kids have been great. You really have. (opens the VOX) This thing is real-lookiní Hello. Hello. (chuckles)
(The Thermians leave the room and Jason is left alone.)
Jason: Hey. Whereís my limo?
(Suddenly the room goes pitch black. All we see is darkness for a minute and then suddenly a spotlight appears over Jasonís head. We then see that a clear liquid is rising from the disk Jason is standing on and it completely encases him inside a clear flexible container. Jason is clearly shocked by all thatís going on, but then the ceiling opens up revealing the vastness of space. As Jason cannot move he simply stands there with a look of horror and awe at what heís seeing. Then, without warning, Jasonís pod it shot into space.)
(We slowly pull back from the iris of Jasonís eye. He is now standing in his back yard. He stand there in shock, unable to move.)
(Tech Value Electronics Superstore)
(Our gang, minus Jason, are all standing in front of a huge superstore dressed in their Galaxy Quest outfits. A small crown has gathered, including Brandon and his crew. There is a ribbon strung up in front of our crew and Gwen holds a large pair of scissors.)
Gwen: Take it from us... We've been all over the universe.
Fred: But we've never seen space age values like we've seen here atÖ
Tommy: Tech Value electronics superstore.
(Alexander is supposed to go next but he just stands there, deeply humiliated. Gwen nudges him to speak.)
Alexander: (monotone) By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings.
(Gwen cuts the ribbon and a few balloons fly up into the air.)
Guy: All Right! Yeah, letís hear it for the NSEA Protector.
(The crew is now seated at a table and are signing autographs. Fred gives Alexander a friendly pat on the back. Around the corner, Jason walks up still looking a little disoriented. But you can tell that heís very excited about what happened to him. He spots our gang and quickly heads for the table, but he runs into Brandon in the process. Both Brandon and Jason both fall to the ground.)
Brandon: Commander! My apologies. (He gets nudged by his friend Kyle.) Evidently we had a miscommunication regarding the voyage, in that you didnít show up.
(But Jason is not paying any attention to him. He simply picks up his Vox and walks off. The others look at Brandon.)
Kyle: He did it AGAIN!
(The gang all look up as they see Jason approaching.)
Alexander: Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all?
Jason: N Ė N Ė Not now, guys. I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention? Those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens. They were termites or Dalmatians. I canít really remember because I was kinda hung over. But what they built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship. I got to fight this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass. (The crew all look at him like heís lost his mind.) I know what youíre thinking, but I can prove it. They gave me this. (He holds out the interstellar VOX. The others exchange glances and then produce their own VOXís.) No, no, no, no, but can you talk to people in SPACE on those? (into VOX) Protector this is the Commander. Over!
(The others exchange glances. Alexander turns to Gwen. Tommy rolls up his sleeve ready for a fight.)
Alexander: Oh, for Godís sake.
Tommy: That's it, It's time to go.
(Jason notices a label on his VOX that reads "Property of Brandon Wheeger." He looks around for Brandon.)
Jason: This isn't mine. Wait, that kid, where is that kid?
(He looks up and see Laliari approaching with two other Thermians.)
Laliari: Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives. He was able, upon your departure, to make an escape.
Jason: Listen. Tell them.
Laliari: (turns and addressís the other crew members.) However he has contacted us, and wishes to negotiate a surrender.
Laliari: We humbly implore you to come and negotiate the terms.
(Jason looks at Laliari and then turns back to the gang.)
Jason: Huh?? They want me back ... You want me back? Is this amazing? They want me back and I want you guys to go with me. Please. Donít even think about it. Letís go. Yes?
(Alexander begins picking up his stuff to leave. The others pick up and start to follow.)
Jason: Youíre Ė Youíre going? Alexander, this is not Ė Iím not kidding here. This isnít some kinda prank. Iím not kidding. No, guys, guys, listen. Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Gwen, stop. Come here. You know me and Iím a lot of things, but am I crazy? (she just looks at him) Gwen, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy.
Gwen: You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but itís another thing to do it to your fans. (walks off)
Jason: This is not a fan. This Ė This is a Termite.
(The crew all climb into a van and sit down.)
Tommy: You should have just let me hit him.
Gwen: Boy! I didnít know you could get that loaded.
Fred: I think we should have just taken the gig... I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us.
Alexander: Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job?
(They all glance at each other as they stop and think about that. Then, realizing that they need any work they can get they all hop out of the van and go looking for Jason.)
(Tech Value Electronics Superstore)
(They all walk into the back of the store where Guy is trying to hook up with some girl.)
Girl: But you live with your mother.
Gwen: (walking by) Did Jason come through here?
Guy: (pointing to the back of the store) Yeah. Heís in there. (to others) Hey. Guys.
(The gang enters and looks around. Laliari is now alone and seems to have been waiting for them. She smiles as they enter.)
Gwen: Ah! We are coming too.
Laliari: All of you wish to go to the ship?
Gwen: Yes. We wish to go to the ship You see, we work together, or not at all.
Laliari: Wonderful! The Commander had me continue transmission in case you changed your mind. (to VOX) Protector, requesting four Interstellar pods for immediate departure.
Guy: (holds up hand) Uh Ė me, too.
Laliari: Five pods, for immediate departure.
(There is a slights sound and Gwen looks down at her feet, only to see the clear liquid moving up her legs.)
Gwen: Guys... Guys?
(Alex tries to step off the disk, but it moves to follow him.)
Alexander: What in the worldÖ
Laliari: I look forward to meeting you all in person when we arrive at the ship. End transmission.
(She bows and then disappears. She was only a hologram. Full realization hits Gwen.)
Gwen: Oh my God. OH MY GOD.
(Fred, who hasnít been paying any attention to any of this turns away from the vending machines to address the group.)
Fred: Anybody got any change?
(Fred turns just in time to see everyone else disappear.)
(Protector II Docking Station Ė Pod Bay)
(Silence. Then, in a series of flashes, each of the pods arrive through the ceiling. Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, and Guy simply stand there without moving. Fred has not arrived yet. They all look horrified at what just happened to them. Outside they can hear the sounds of something moving toward them. A door opens and 3 icky screeching aliens enter. They look like octopusís on drugs. The three aliens surround the gang and hold up several instruments close to them. When the aliens realize that everyone seems afraid they stop what they are doing and pull back. They each hit a button on their belts and they morph into the standard Thermians we have seen so far. Very pale skin, black hair, and black uniforms.)
Technician1: Our most sincere apologies! We forgot about our appearance generators.
(They aliens back off and then leave. As they do, Jason walks in the door with a huge grin on his face.)
Jason: Guys! You came! (no one speaks or moves) Who wants the grand tour? (Suddenly Guy lets out the most genuine horrified scream you have ever heard. A beat.) Anybody else?
(Another streak o flight enters and Fred arrives along side the others.)
Fred: That was a hell of a thing. (He steps off the disk, apparently unaffected like the others. To Jason, motioning to others) What's wrong with them?
Jason: (smiles) I donít know. Come on.
(Jason leads the group down the hall. Alexander, Gwen, Tommy, and Guy are all shuffling along looking nervous.)
Jason: That's right guys ... Just keep shaking it off. It gets better. Here, have some gum, It helps.
Tommy: Wh... Where are we?
Jason: Twenty third quadrant of the gamma sector. Thereís a map in the forward room. Come on.
(Mathasar walks up surrounded by his usual group of Thermians.)
Mathasar: Welcome my friends.
Jason: This is Mathasar. Heís their leader.
Mathasar: I am Mathasar. On behalf of all my people I wish to thank you from the deepest place in our hearts.
Jason: Mathasar, this is, uh, my crew.
(The Thermians all stare at the crew, and Mathasar reaches out a hand to Alexander.)
Mathasar: Dr. Lazarus ...
(The Thermians whisper his name with awe.)
Mathasar: (to Gwen) Lt. Madison ...
(The Thermians whisper her name as Mathasar leans down and kisses her hand.)
Mathasar: (to Tommy) Young Laredo, how you've grown. (to Fred with even more awe) Tech Sgt. Chen...
Thermians: (whispered) Tech Sargent Chen ... Tech Sargent Chen.
(Mathasar turns to look at Guy, not really sure who he is.)
Guy: Crewman number s... Guy.
Thermians: (unsure) GuyÖ
Gwen: You... know us?
Mathasar: (soft laugh) I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who does not. In the years since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions and strategies.
Tommy: Youíve been watching the show...
Jason: Lieutenant? Historical documents.
Tommy: ... historical documents from out here?
Mathasar: The past hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since the transmission, we have modeled every aspect of our society from your example, and it has saved us. Your courage and teamwork, and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.
Gwen: Is this a Ė a spaceship?
Jason: No. This is a starport for the ship. Would you guys like to see the ship?
(Fred looks up and nods a big Ďyesí. There others just stare at Jason, not really sure what to make of all this. A door opens into what appears to be an elevator.)
(They all enter and the doors close behind them. The elevator begins moving. The majority of them are watching Jason, but Fred is looking out the window. As the elevator clears the wall we see a startling view of the Protector II. It looks beautiful. The entire crew is in awe.)
Alexander: Oh my god. Itís real.
(Mathasar is giving the gang a short tour of the ship.)
Mathasar: The generator room. The Beryllium sphere, of course. (we can see the sphere suspended in mid-air rotating slowly.) And as we continue ...The medical quarters are to the left. We went through some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration.
(As Mathasar rounds a corner the whole crew turn to Jason.)
Alexander: Jason, what have you gotten us into?
Tommy: What in hell is going on?
Gwen: What are we doing here?
Fred: Wow, the floors are so clean.
Jason: We're just here to negotiate this guy Sarris' surrender. Itís no big deal.
Mathasar: (not realizing that no one is listening) And the organ fabrication chamber is coming along nicely.
Gwen: Itís no big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here.
Jason: Oh, come on, guys.
Gwen: Jason, we are actors, not astronauts.
Jason: You guys want to go home? Fine. Say the word, and we'll all go home, pay our bills, feed our fish, fall asleep in front of the TV Ė and miss out on all of this. Come on. Do you guys wanna do that? Anybody? Gwen, come on, think about ... look at where we are. Weíre in space. Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You guys wanna leave?
Mathasar: We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.
(The crew looks at each other, making one of the most important decisions of their lives.)
Mathasar: (motioning) The main barracks.
(Fred, walking beside Laliari, is smiling.)
(Several hundred crewmen are lined up on both sides of the room. They bow as Jason walks between them.)
Jason: At ease.
Alexander: Itís like throwing gasoline on a flame...(he turns his head and spots Guy with a huge grin on his face) What?
Guy: I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.
(The doors open and the gang steps onto the Command Deck. They all look around, not really realizing that this is a real ship.)
Mathasar: If you would all take your positions...
Gwen: Our what?
Jason: GuysÖ(motions to the different chairs that they would normally occupy during filming)
All: Oh, right... US! Yes, of course... US!
(They all quickly move to their correct positions. Tommy is amazed that he still remembers the control panel.)
Tommy: Look .. this thingy ... I remember Ė I remember I had it all worked out. This was forward, this is back...
(Jason is sitting in the Captainís Chair, familiarizing himself with the palm controls.)
Mathasar: Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event.
Jason: Sure. Bring Ďem in.
(Mathasar motions and screeches, and crewmen start pouring onto the Command Deck. There are probably about 30 total.)
Tommy: (to Guy) No pressure, huh? Glad I ainít the Commander.
Jason: Laredo, take us out.
(Everyone in the room turns their attention to Tommy. His sarcastic smile drops. He looks mortified.)
Tommy: Excuse me?
Jason: They designed those controls after watching you. Take her out.
Tommy: Right. Right. Okay. Right. Right. Take her out.
(Slowly Tommy begins to take the ship out. The only problem is that the ship is getting closer and closer to the wall of the Star Dock. The actors all lean to the right, trying to use body language so heíll realize heís getting to close.)
Guy: Okay. (He taps Tommy on the hand.) You gotta move to the right. More to the right.
Tommy: Would you sit your ass down?
Guy: Hit parallel.
Tommy: Move! You wanna drive this thing?
(Even though he tries to avoid it there is a loud scraping sound as the ship hits the wall. The scrape goes on for a few seconds until the ship clears the star dock. Everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief.)
(The crew and various Thermians sit around the large table, eating an extravagant meal. Mathasar makes a toast.)
Jason: Oh. Mmm.
Mathasar: How are you enjoying your steak, Commander?
Jason: Iím really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed Iowa beef.
Teb: Yes. We programmed the food synthesizer for each of you based on the regional menu of your birthplace.
Jason: I donít care where you did it. It tastes great!
(Alexander is spooning up wriggling insects from his bowl.)
Teb: Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks Dr. Lazarus?
(Alexander looks as though heís about to be sick as one of the bugs jumps from his spoon back into the bowl and begins swimming around. He puts the spoon down.)
Alexander: Just like mother used to make. So, um Ė Tell me, Mathasar, this Sarris person that weíre flying to meet, what does he want, exactly?
Mathasar: He Ė uh Ė he heard about the device Ė the Omega 13.
Tommy: Um Ė What is it? What does it do?
Mathasar: We donít know.
Teb: We were hoping you could enlighten us.
(Gwen laughs nervously and turns to look at Jason, as to the rest of the crew.)
Jason: Oh, the Omega 13 device. We found that on the alien planet. We donít know what it does, either.
Tommy: Well, why donít you just turn it on and see what it does?
(The Thermians emit shrill screeches and nervous laughter.)
Teb: It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy. If we were mistaken in our construction, the device would act as a molecular explosive, causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe.
Jason: Has Sarris ever seen any of the, uh, historical records?
Mathasar: No, Thank God he has not.
Jason: Oh. So how does he know about the Omega 13 device?
Mathasar: Our former Commander was not... Strong.
Jason: Former Commander?
Mathasar: I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown. (He nods to a Crewman who pushes a button. A wall panel moves aside to reveal a large viewscreen. An image appears.) The tape was smuggled off of Sarrisí ship. Originally, one of our own tried to lead.
Sarris: (on screen) Is that all? After three days of this you still require incentive?
(Sarris moves switches on the panel. The device pulls at the alien's limbs, twisting them horribly. Bones crackle.)
Thermian Commander: (on screen) I have told you all I know. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die.
Sarris: When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die...
(Sarris toys with his control panel. Mercifully the screen fuzzes up with static and we can only hear the screams. We pan around the table and the entire crew sits there with their mouths open in horror as they watch the screen.)
(Gwen, Tommy, Guy, Alexander, and Fred are all walking very quickly down the hall looking for a way out. Jason is running after them.)
Jason: Wait a minute, guys. Come on. Hold on a minute. You just canít leave. Give me some time to think.
Alexander: He wants to think.
Tommy: No, Jason. Thatís a wrap. Thereís nothing to think about.
Guy: Listen, I'm not even supposed to BE here. I'm just Crewman #6. I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove that the situation is serious! I gotta get out of here.
(Mathasar comes running up looking a little distressed.)
Jason: We gotta prepare the pods for my crewís departure.
Mathasar: Begging your Commander's pardon, sir, but we cannot launch pods at the moment. Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship.
Mathasar: Yes sir, he's here now. Your presence is required on the command deck.
(Everyone looks really alarmed at this news.)
(The actors all enter the deck, only to find it deserted.)
Gwen: There's nobody here. Jason...
Mathasar: While my people are talented scientists our attempts to operate our own technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous. (He leans over to Gwen's station as she sits, and pushes a button.) I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency.
Jason: Still, MathasarÖ
(But, he is interrupted by the sight of Sarris appearing on the large view-screen. Sarris now wears a metal eye patch, and has a long scar across his cheek.)
Sarris: (on screen) We meet again Commander.
Jason: Hello Sarris... How are you doing?
Sarris: (on screen) Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate the ship's neutron armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.
(He holds up a stake with the head of his former Lieutenant impaled on it.)
Jason: Yeah. Well, you know, Iíd like to say Iím real sorry about what happened before. The whole thing was just a (laughs worriedly) misunderstanding.
Sarris: (angrily) Deliver the device to me, or I will destroy your ship.
Jason: You know, um, weíd like to do that, but frankly, Sarris, sir, we donít know what it is or even where it is.
Sarris: (on screen) You have ten seconds.
Jason: I donít Ė Ten seconds Ė I donít Ė There Ė You know, okay, gosh darn it! I give up. Itís yours. You can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for you, okay? (beat) Gwen.
(Jason motions to Gwen to cut the transmission. Gwen nods.)
Jason: Donít panic. I've dealt with this guy before. He's as stupid as he is ugly. Come here.
(He grabs Guy and sits him down at the armament console.)
Jason: Not now, Gwen. (to Guy) Sit, sit, sit. We're going to send everything we can at him, all right?
Jason: Not now, Gwen! Push these red buttons and send everything we have towards him, okay?
Jason: (walks back over to his command chair) All right, Gwen. (Clears throat) Put me back on with him.
Gwen: Thatís what Iíve been trying to tell you. You ARE back on with him.
Sarris: (on screen) Perhaps Iím not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander.
Jason: (to Gwen) I gave you the "kill" gesture.
Gwen: No, you gave me the "weíre dead" signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the hold button is.
Guy: Hey, guys? Guys ... Thereís a red thingy moving toward the green thingy.
Guy: Red thingy moving toward the green thingy! (He motions to the radar screen. The red blip is about to impact.) I think Ė I think we're the green thingy.
Sarris: (on screen) A little present for you, Commander.
Jason: We gotta get out of here. Move the ship. Turn it. Move! Letís go!
(Suddenly the ship is hit by a torpedo. The entire crew goes flying into walls and they fall to the floor. They all exchange glances, not really sure what to do in this real situation. Another blast sends them into the walls again. They all force themselves to get up and get to their stations.)
Jason: Tommy, Tommy! Letís go! Get us out of here!
Tommy: Jason, what do I do?
Jason: Go! Go! Go!
(Tommy looks at the sparkling map of lights on his dash.)
(Tommy punches the red button. They all hold on for dear life as the ship roars forward, across the path of Sarris' ship.)
Gwen: They're turning. They're COMING.
(Explosions continue to rock the ship as they try to make their escape.)
Sarris: (on screen) Thrust ahead, full! (beat) Fire at will.
Jason: Go faster, Tommy!
Tommy: Iím going as fast as I can.
Guy: Sheís still behind us...
Jason: Well, uh, uh, press the turbo. I'm always saying "press the turbos", right?
Tommy: Oh, itís right here.
Jason: Press it and hold it down.
(Tommy pushes the turbo. The ship begins to move at an amazing speed.)
Computer: The enemy is matching velocity.
Gwen: The enemy is matching velocity.
Alexander: We heard it the first time!
Gwen: Gosh! I'm doing it! I'm repeating the darn computer!
(Suddenly the view-screen pops up and Fred is standing there. Heís very laid back about everything thatís happening.)
Fred: Hi guys. Listen, they're telling me that the generators won't take it, the ship is breaking apart and all that. Just FYI.
(The view-screen goes blank.)
Alexander: We've got to stop!
Jason: We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy!
Alexander: You canít hold a turbo down! It's for quick boosts.
Jason: Oh! Like YOU know?
(The ship groans under the pressure of being under Turbo for so long. Suddenly there is a loud sound.)
Gwen: I remember that sound! That's a bad sound!
(Jason looks forward. In the distance is what looks like a giant cloud.)
Jason: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We might be able to lose them in this cloud here.
Gwen: I don't think that's a cloud...
(As they approach, the "cloud" reveals itself to actually be thousands upon thousands of octahedrons.)
Jason: Mathasar? What is that?
Mathasar: It's the Tothian mine field left standing from the Great War of 12185.
(Their jaws drop as they see the vast array of mines that they are about to drive through.)
Tommy: Oh god ... Whoo!
(The first mine hits, rocking the ship. Tommy swerves the ship to avoid hitting more of them, but another mine hits and then another.)
Alexander: Could you possibly try (BOOM!) not to hit (BOOM!) every (BOOM!) single (BOOM!) one!
Tommy: Sorry, man. They're drifting toward us... I think they're magnetic!
(Shot of the Protector II racing through the mine field as the mines aim for the ship.)
(Sarris watches as the Protector II flies into the minefield.)
Lathe: Continue forward, sir?
Sarris: Patience, Lieutenant ... Patience.
(Protector II Ė Command Deck)
Alexander: Weíve gotta stop.
Jason: We're almost through this.
(Suddenly the ship grinds to a stop. Gwen looks up from her station.)
Jason: You okay? You all right?
Random voices: Yeah!
Jason: Everybody all right? Whereís Tommy?
(The deck looks dead and empty. Smoke is in the air. The lights are dim. The sirens have stopped. It's completely silent. The crew slowly emerges from behind panels and equipment, bruised and bloodied. Jason moves to Gwen. They hear a groan and look to see where itís coming from. Tommy is crumpled against the wall, and itís obvious that heís hurt his arm.)
Jason: Tommy! Are you all right?
Tommy: No, my arm is broke Ė (Mathasar comes over and picks him up.) No! Donít touch it. Donít touch it!
Mathasar: I'll take him to medical quarters.
Jason: Thanks, Mathasar.
(Alexander moves toward the door.)
Gwen: Alex? Where are you going?
Alexander: To see if there's a pub.
(He exits. The others turn to Jason, their faces sooty, their clothing torn and bloody.)
Computer: ...Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage... aft vector guards, 96% damage... Level 5 structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40, 43, 58...
Jason: What about the engines?
Computer: Forward thruster shaft Ė 87% damage.
Gwen: Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?
Computer: The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress.
Gwen: It's fractured...
Jason: Can it be repaired?
Gwen: Computer, can it be repaired?
Computer: Negative. Damage to beryllium sphere irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.
Gwen: We need another one.
Alexander: (to Jason) You broke the ship. You broke the bloody SHIP!
Jason: Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board?
Gwen: Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board?
Computer: Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.
Gwen: No. We have no extra beryllium sphere on board.
Tommy: You know, that is really getting annoying.
Gwen: (deadly) Look! I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to DO it. OKAY?
Tommy: (intimidated) Sure, no problem.
(The door opens suddenly and several Thermians enter, led by Mathasar. They all stand there looking very serious. Guy and Tommy exchange an Ďuh ohí glance.)
Mathasar: A thousand apologies. We have failed you.
Jason: How have you failed us?
Mathasar: We have seen you victorious in much more desperate situations. The fault must lie with us, with the ship...
(Gwen shoots Jason a glance... TELL THEM.)
Jason: No, Mathasar. It is not your fault and itís not the shipís fault. Itís-itís-itís-itís my fault. We-we screwed Ė
Gwen: We're not the people you think we are.
Mathasar: I don't understand.
(Alexander gets up and walks over to Mathasar.)
Alexander: Donít you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theater, films?
Mathasar: The historical documents of your culture... Yes, in fact we have begun to document our own history, from your example...
Gwen: No not historical documents... They're not all historical documents... I mean... surely you don't think Gilligan's Island is a...
(The Thermians all exchange sad glances and look down in sadness.)
Mathasar: Those poor people...
Tommy: Oh, brother...
Guy: Weíre screwed.
Gwen: Is there no one on your planet who behaves in a way that is contrary to reality?
Mathasar: Ah. You speak of...
(Unable to bring the words to mind, he confers with his fellows.)
Thermians: Deception. Lies.
Mathasar: "Deception ..." "Lies." We have only recently become aware of these concepts. In our dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do another. Promise us mercy but deliver destruction... It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost. (a worried beat) But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris.
(He starts to laugh, and the other aliens join in. Suddenly a view-screen lights and we see Fred on the monitor from down in the generator room.)
Fred: (on screen) Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be able to get there if we re-configure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What do you think?
Jason: Weíll do that!
Guy: All right!
(Fred turns to two young TECHS next to him.)
Fred: Thatís Ė thatís right, again. Come on, everybody. Group hug.
(The ship lumbers slowly forward. In the distance we see the swirling globe of a new planet.)
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
(Alex's young escort, Quellek, leads him down the hall.)
Quellek: Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. I am so very humbled to stand in your presence... I have studied your missions extensively... Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.
Alexander: Well good, that's very... nice.
Quellek: (emotional) By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I-
Alexander: Don't do that. I'm not kidding.
Quellek: I'm sorry, sir, I was only-
Alexander: Just don't.
Quellek: Yes sir.
(They come to a stop.)
Mathasar: Never give up. Never surrender.
(Jason, Gwen, Tommy, Fred and Guy enter the small surface pod. Quellek, Alexander's protege, steps forward, hands Alex a device.)
Quellek: Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programmed it to the coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density. (emotional) Good luck on your mission, Sir.
(Tommy pilots the craft as the pod approaches the new planet. Guy looks out the window nervously.)
Jason: Youíre doing good, Tommy.
(Fred is calmly eating a snack and looking out the window like a tourist.)
Guy: I changed my mind. I want to go back.
Alexander: After all the fuss you made about not getting left behind on the ship?
Guy: Yeah, but that's when I thought maybe was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me, but now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet...
Jason: Youíre not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy: Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason: It's... I don't know.
Guy: No. Nobody does. Do you know WHY? Because my character isn't IMPORTANT enough for a last name. Because I'm going to DIE five minutes in.
Gwen: Guy, you HAVE a last name.
Guy: Do I? DO I? For all you know I'm just "CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (hysterical)
Alexander: (sighs) Are we there yet?
(The ship shakes as it lands. Everyone exchanges anxious glances. )
Alexander: Pull Out!
(The ship swerves around and lands smoothly between two rocks. Everyone is amazed. Suddenly the hatch opens with a loud noise of air decompression. Fred has opened it.)
Guy: Donít open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air!? You don't know, do you!
Fred: (sniffs and tests the air) Seems okay.
(The six exit the craft tentatively. Guy looks around, apprehensive.)
Gwen: Here we go.
Jason: Which way, Alexander?
Alexander: (looks down at his tracking device) This way... Wait, no, that way...
(They turn in the opposite direction.)
Tommy: You were holding it upside down weren't you?
Alexander: Shut up.
Tommy: You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he was smart for a second.
Alexander: You think you could do better "Laredo?"
Tommy: Hey, watch that "Laredo" stuff.
Guy: We're screwed... We're so screwed...
Jason: Come on, come on, come on. If we wanna finish this mission we have to use some self-control.
Gwen: Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Moon Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!
Jason: Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more supportive you might have been ableÖ
(Below the gang in a small valley is what appears to be a mining facility. It looks to be abandoned. In the center of the mining area is a large gray boulder.)
Jason: There it is. The Beryllium sphere.
Alexander: Must be some sort of mining facility.
Gwen: Where are the miners?
Guy: Something BAD happened here.
Tommy: Will you relax?
(Jason scans the area with a pair of binoculars and sees a number of rocky spheres.)
Jason: There they are Ė beryllium spheres. Letís go.
(Suddenly they become aware of a small blue alien emerging from one of the structures. It looks somewhat like a human child. It moves to a small pool of water and begins drinking. Its movements are very quiet and tentative. Then a few more blue aliens emerge and join the first. The crew ducks behind the rocks.)
Gwen: (smiling) Look at thatÖwill you LOOK at thatÖthey look like little children.
Alexander: Could they be the miners?
Fred: Sure. They're like, three years old.
Alexander: MINERS, not MINORS.
(He pronounces the two words exactly the same. Fred looks at Alex like he's crazy.)
Fred: You lost me.
Guy: I don't like this... I don't like this at all...
Gwen: Oh, they're so cute.
Guy: Of course they're cute NOW. But in a second they're going to turn MEAN and UGLY somehow and then there are going to be a million MORE of them!
(Then another blue creature emerges. This one limps, its leg is hurt. It moves forward, dragging its bad foot along the ground, making noise.)
Gang: AwwwwÖIt's hurt.
(Gwen rises up a little, tentatively waving at the injured one.)
Gwen: Hi! Hi there little guy...
(Guy pushes her down behind the rock before the creatures notice.)
Guy: Jesus, did you guys ever WATCH the show!?
(The other aliens all turn toward the injured one and begin whispering in an alien dialect.)
Aliens: Gorignak... Gorignak.... Nak nak!
Gwen: Aw, look. They're going to help the little one...
(The others move to the hurt creature, cocking their heads to the side empathetically...Then suddenly we see the aliens smile and show of their razor sharp teeth. They all launch themselves at the injured alien and rip him to shreds. The gang watches this with horror.)
Guy: I am SO SICK of being right.
Gwen: Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.
Jason: Wait a minute. Weíre not going anywhere without a beryllium sphere. We need a plan. (they all nod in agreement) Fred, we need a diversion to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Tommy, get up on that ridge, and if you see them come back, give me a signal. All right?
Gwen: Why does this sound so familiar?
Tommy: "Assault on Voltareck III." Episode 81, I think.
Guy: We're doing episode 81?
Tommy: Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.
Gwen: How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
Guy: We're doing episode 81, Jason?
Jason: It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?!
Guy: (screaming) BECAUSE I DIED IN EPISODE 81!
Fred: Shh. Episode 51, right. Weíre doing episode 51, right.
Alexander: (interrupting) This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this fellow? Must I remind you that he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's no more equipped to lead us than THIS fellow. (motions to Guy) No offense.
(Gwen peers around the corner toward the spheres.)
Gwen: Look. Theyíre gone.
Guy: Whereíd they go, back inside?
Gwen: I donít know.
Alexander: Nobody was watching?
Jason: All right. All right. Listen up. Hereís the plan. Gwen, Fred, Alex and I will go down and get a sphere. Fleegman, you set up a perimeter, and Tommy, youíre the lookout. You see anything at all, you give us a signal. All right?
Tommy: What kind of a signal?
Jason: Any kind of signal.
Tommy: Okay, Iíll do my hands like this ...and caw, caw, caw.
Jason: What are you, an infant? Look. We have these. (shows the VOX)
Tommy: (chastened) That Ė Sorry Ė
Jason: All right. Letís go.
(Jason is rolling in the dirt every few feet. As he pauses we see the rest of the group walking nonchalantly towards the sphere.)
Gwen: Does the rolling help.
Jason: Uh Ė huh. It helps.
Gwen: Whereís your gun?
(Jason stops and looks around for his gun. Alex and Gwen keep walking.)
Alexander: It helps.
(Tommy looks through the binoculars, watching the group head toward the Beryllium spheres.)
(They move forward.)
(The Mining Facility)
(The gang starts to roll the sphere in the direction of the shuttle.)
Jason: Never Give Up! Never Surrender!
Others: Oh, shut up!
(Tommy looks through the binoculars, sees something and begins to run down the hillside.)
Tommy: Caw, caw, Jason. Theyíre coming Ė Run, Jason, run.
(The group pushing the sphere stop and look around. They see the blue aliens popping from behind every rock around.)
Tommy: Theyíre everywhere. Theyíre everywhere.
Jason: Come on. Letís go. Letís go.
(They roll the sphere as fast as they can.)
Tommy: Theyíre everywhere. Come on.
Jason: Donít look back! Donít look back!
Guy: Weíre not gonna make it.
(Gwen stops and looks back, to see the blue aliens closing in on them rapidly. She screams and rushes to catch up.)
Guy: I knew it! I knew it! I knew this was gonna kill me.
Jason: Hurry! Go, go, go. Come on. Push. Letís go. Go.
(They shove the ball into the shuttle and Jason yells to go.)
Tommy: I got it. But itís gonna take a few seconds.
Guy: (holding the sphere) I got it! I got it!
Alexander: Go ahead!
Jason: Thereís no time. Get it. Get in.
Alexander: Of course, I forgot, youíve got to be the hero, havenít you? Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight! Oh, no, Jason Nesmith Ė
(Jason punches Alexander out.)
Gwen: Oh! Jason, Jason, come on! Hurry. Hurry!
Jason: Tommy, go! Go! Iím in!
(Jason falls out of the back of the pod.)
Gwen: Help! No, no, no! Jason, please. Tommy, stop the pod. Stop it.
Tommy: I canít stop it. Itís on autopilot.
Guy: Go, leave him.
(Outside the shuttle we see it lift off the ground with several aliens clinging to it. Inside the shuttle Gwen and Alexander look back out the window at Jason amid the creatures.)
Alexander: Oh! Right! Of course, itís always about YOU, isnít it!
(The shuttle flies off.)
(Jason lies on the ground and watches as the aliens gather around him. As the aliens talk we see what they are saying through subtitles.)
Alien1: Thatís strange ...
Alien2: It looks like a child.
Alien1: What should we do?
Alien: (os) Hit it with a rock ... and weíll eat it.
(A creature raises a rock and strikes.)
(Jason is now lying on his back with his eyes closed. Heís still unconscious. We see a creature come up and start licking Jasonís face with a huge tongue. The creature looks like a cross between a pig and a lizard.)
Jason: (wakes up) Oh, hey!
(Jason rises quickly, struggling to get away. In the background we hear the constant chanting of the creatures. They are saying "Gorignack, Gorignack.")
(Protector II Ė Transportation Room)
(Gwen, Guy, Tommy and Alexander run in. As Gwen and Jason talk we switch back and forth from the Planetís surface where Jason is, to the Transportation Room on the ship.)
Gwen: (into VOX) Jason? Jason? Can you hear me?
Jason: (into VOX) Yeah, Gwen. You got me.
Gwen: Thank God! Are you okay?
Jason: (into VOX) Yeah. As a matter of fact Iíve got Gorignak staring me in the face right now. But, you know what? I think I can take him.
Gwen: Jason, weíre going to use the digital conveyor to get you out of there.
Jason: (into VOX) The digital conveyor?
Jason: (into VOX) You mean Iím gonna be diced into cubes and sent up there in a million pieces?
Jason: (into VOX) Well, you know what? I think Iíll take my chances with Gorignak.
Gwen: Weíre getting you out right now. Itís perfectly safe, isnít it, Teb?
Teb: It has never been successfully tested.
Jason: (into VOX) What did he say?
Gwen: Hold, please.
Teb: Theoretically, the mechanism is fully operational. However, it was built to accommodate yourÖhmmmÖ anatomy, not ours. But now that Sergeant Chen is here, he can operate it. It was designed watching his motions from the historical documents.
Fred: (stammering) I Ė I Ė I mean, I canít. I Ė I Ė I can supervise.
Alexander: Jason, weíre gonna test it.
Jason: (into VOX) On what?
Tommy: How about that pig lizard?
Jason: (into VOX) Hey, Iím doing all right with the pig lizard.
Gwen: Please, Fred. And hurry.
Teb: (High-pitched squeal. Everyone looks at him for breaking Fredís concentration.) Iím sorry. Itís very exciting to watch the master at the controls. The operation of the conveyor is more hmmm - hmmm art than science.
Gwen: Stand back, Jason.
(Fred adjusts the controls and zeroes in on the pig lizard. He aligns a square over the image of the lizard, twists the controls. Down on the planet the pig lizard begins to shudder and then it disappears. Back on the Protector II the pig lizard appears on the platform, only itís inside out. Everyone groans.)
Jason: (into VOX) What? What was that?
Alexander: Uh Ė Nothing.
Jason: (into VOX) I heard some squealing or something.
Gwen: Oh, no. Everythingís fine.
Teb: But the animal is inside out.
(Gwen slaps her hand over Tebís mouth.)
Jason: (into VOX) I heard that. It turned inside out?
(The animal remains suddenly explodes. The others duck for cover and so only Teb gets covered in pig lizard guts.)
Teb: And it exploded.
Jason: (into VOX) Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then it exploded? Hello?
Gwen: Hold, please.
Jason: (into VOX) Hey, wait a minute. Guys. Guys. If the pig lizard is gone, why are they still yelling "Gorignak"?
Tommy: Teb, hit the translation circuit.
(He does, and the chanting changes from "Gorignak" to "Rock".)
Gwen: Jason. I donít think the pig lizard was Gorignak.
Jason: (into VOX) What the hell you talking about? (He hears a rumbling and slowly turns around to see the rocks gathering into a walking shape.) Oh, darn. (He takes off, with the rock monster hot on his tail.) Digitize me!
Gwen: Come on, Fred.
Fred: Not me.
Gwen: Come on. They based it on your hand movements.
Fred: Am I the only one who saw that thing inside out? No, no, no, no. I ĖI Ė Iím not that guy. Iím not Tech Sergeant Chen. Iím Fred Kwan and Kwanís not even my real name.
Alexander: Fredís no good, Jason. Youíre just gonna have to kill it.
Jason: (into VOX) Kill it? Well, Iím open to any suggestions.
Tommy: Go for the eyes, like in episode 22.
Jason: (into VOX) It doesnít have any eyes, Tommy.
Tommy: Go for the mouth or the throat, its vulnerable spots!
Jason: (into VOX) Itís a rock. It doesnít have any vulnerable spots.
Guy: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
Jason: (into VOX) A lathe? Get off the line, Guy. Alexander, youíre my advisor. Advise me.
Alexander: Well, youíre just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason: (into VOX) Itís a damn rock monster. It doesnít have motivation.
Alexander: See, thatís your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
Jason: (into VOX) Oh! Fred, can you hear me? Fred, are you there?
Jason: (into VOX) You can do it, Fred. Itís up to you.
Fred: Oh, no, no, no, Jason Iíll just - Iíll just mess it up.
Jason: (into VOX) You did it for four years on the show. Do it now.
Fred: That was on the show. Iím not that guy.
Jason: (into VOX) Fred, you never forgot a line. You never missed a mark.
Fred: Thatís not me anymore, man.
Jason: (into VOX) It is you, Fred. You just stopped trying. You could do this, Fred. I know in my heart, youíre gonna save my life.
Fred: I am?
Jason: (into VOX) No doubt about it, Fred.
(The door to the Transportation room suddenly opens and Laliari stands there. She smiles at Fred.)
Jason: (into VOX) Fred! Fred, can you hear me? Fred!
(Suddenly Fred zips up his uniform, turns to the controls and, with a new-found determination, sets to work.)
Jason: (into VOX) Fred? I donít wanna die down here. Digitize me, Fred.
(The rock monster falls directly on top of Jason, only Jason isnít there anymore.)
(Jason suddenly arrives on the platform. Heís shirtless.)
Fred: Oh, wow.
Teb: Tech Sergeant Chen.
(Jason and Gwen hug, and Fred eyes Laliari.)
Alexander: I see you managed to get your shirt off.
Fred: I did it.
Jason: Welcome back, Fred. All right. Did we get the beryllium sphere installed?
Teb: Yes, we are back to full power.
Jason: Great! Engines and pods?
Laliari: Fully operational.
Jason: Perfect! Weíll crank this sucker up. You can drop us off, and you guys can be back to your home planet before supper.
Teb: Oh, no, sir. We have no reason to go back.
Jason: Sure you do. Family, friends, come on.
Teb: We are all that is left.
(The crew members all look at each other. None of them were told.)
Jason: I didnít know that.
Teb: Sir, I have raised the command deck.
Jason: (into VOX) Mathasar, meet us up on the command deck. Mathasar. Mathasar, Quellek! Why canít we reach them?
(Suddenly, the door opens and Sarrisí troops come in, fully armed. Then Sarris enters. Guy faints.)
(Jason is tossed into the room. All the other people are dragged in. Mathasar is strapped to a table.)
Mathasar: Commander. Thank God youíre alive. Now you will face justice, Sarris.
Sarris: At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination.
Jason: Leave him alone.
Sarris: You wish to save the life of this man?
Jason: Yeah. Yes.
Sarris: Then tell me Ė what does it do? This Omega 13.
Jason: I donít know what it does. (Sarris backs away, disbelieving.) I said I donít know.
(Sarris shocks Mathasar, who turns momentarily into his tentacled shape.)
Sarris: Is it a bomb?
Jason: I donít know.
(Sarris shocks Mathasar again.)
Sarris: A booby trap?
Jason: I donít know.
Sarris: Tell me.
Jason: I donít know.
Sarris: Do you think Iím a fool? That the commander does not know every bolt, every weld in his ship? (beat) Prepare a tear harness Ė for the female.
Jason: No, Gwen, no!
(One of Sarrisís men grab Gwen.)
Gwen: You brute! Let go of me.
Jason: (quietly) Iím not the commander.
Sarris: What did you say?
Jason: I said Iím not the commander. (getting up) Leave them alone. Thereís no reason to hurt them. They donít know anything.
Jason: Gwen, show him the historical documents.
Gwen: Computer. Show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions.
(An episode begins to play. Sarris watches, understanding. He begins by chuckling, then laughing.)
Sarris: Wonderful. You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have. Bravo. Bravo. This is a moment I will treasure. Explain to him who you all really are. Tell him. Explain!
Jason: Mathasar, the Ė thereís no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I am an actor. Weíre all actors.
Sarris: He doesnít understand. Explain as you would a child.
Jason: We Ė uh Ė we pretended. We lied.
(Mathasar moans with comprehension.)
Sarris: Yes! You understand that, donít you, Mathasar?
Jason: Mathasar, I Ė Iím not a commander. I, uh. Thereís no National Space Exploration Administration. We donít have a ship.
Mathasar: (pointing to screen) But there it is.
Jason: That ship is that big. (indicating two inches)
Mathasar: But inside, I see many rooms.
Jason: Youíve seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is Ė is wire with plaster around it. And our (chuckle) our digital conveyor is Christmas tree lights. Itís a decoration. Itís all fake. Just like me.
Mathasar: But why?
Jason: Itís difficult to explain. On our planet we Ė uh Ė we pretend Ė to Ė to entertain andÖMathasar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.
Sarris So now you know. Lieutenant Lathe. Hardwire the reactor core to overload. I would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust.
Mathasar: Sarris. What about my people?
Sarris: Yes! Far too simple a death for them, isnít it? Lathe, open an oxygen seal on level C. Let the air in a bit for our friends.
Jason: Son of a Ė
(Jason jumps on Sarris, but Sarris hits him with the shocking device and Jason goes down.)
Sarris: Release them Ė into space.
Computer: Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in nine minutes. Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden.
(The crew is being manhandled toward the airlock room.)
Alexander: Whereís the happy ending, Jason? Never give up? Never surrender?
(Jason watches a guard manipulate the door controls. He has an idea.)
Jason: (to Alexander) Maybe itís about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.
Alexander: You what?
Jason: Youíre starting to act like you did in episode 17, you scene-stealing hack.
(Alexander tries to recall what happened in episode 17. He finally remembers.)
Alexander: Oh, right. Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You murdered us all.
Jason: Shut up!
Alexander: Hundreds to die just because of you.
Jason: I told you to shut up.
Guard: (walking up) Both of you Ė get in there.
Alexander: Hundreds to die just because you wanna play a big commander. You raving lunatic.
Jason: Then Iíll see you in hell, wonít I?
(Jason pushes Alexander, and they begin fighting, punching each other back and forth across the room. The rest of the crew is watching astonished. They have no idea what has gotten into these two. On one punch, Alexander aims Jason toward a long pole-like device, which Jason picks up, unseen by the guard. He swings it at Alexander, who ducks just in time, and the guard, right behind Alexander, is a perfect target. Jason whacks him.)
Alexander: Look out, Jason!
(Alexander pushes the guard away.)
Jason: Get his gun. Get the gun.
(Alexander dives for the gun. Guy jumps into the fray.)
Guy: Take that!
(Guy throws the guard in the chamber, to join his fellow. Just as they aim their weapons at the crew, the steel door suddenly comes down right on front of them. The crew looks at the guards, and the guards look at the crew, neither side capable of doing anything to the other. Suddenly the door behind the guards opens and they are exposed to the vacuum of space. In a second, they are sent flying out of the craft by the air in the compartment. They are gone. The crew turns to the door controls, and Fred is standing there, after pushing the right buttons.)
Fred: Sorry, I was Ė Door was a little sticky. Did you see that? Iíll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
(Alexander hugs Fred, and the entire crew is happy.)
Jason: (to Alexander) You used to pull your punches.
Alexander: You scene-stealing hack? Thank you.
Jason: Raving egomaniac?
Alexander: Canít think of where I got that from.
Gwen: Guys. Look. (They see, on the monitor, the crew of the spaceship struggling to breathe.) Theyíre suffocating.
Computer: Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in eight minutes.
(The crew races off. They have to do something. They just canít stand around.)
Guard: General! Your transport is ready for departure.
(Sarris turns away from Mathasar and leaves.)
Computer: Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in seven minutes.
Gwen: (whisper) Computer. Shut down the core.
Computer: Unable. Memory checksums invalid. Core systemís hardware damaged.
Jason: All right. Listen up. This is what we gotta do. Gwen, you and I weíre gonna get to the core and shut it down manually. Fred, take Guy and Laliari. You find that valve. Shut it off before those Thermians run out of air. (They leave) Alexander, get to the barracks. Wedge a door open, in case they canít do that.
Alexander: (runs off) Okay.
Tommy: Wait, Jason. What about me? What do I do?
Jason: Youíre gonna practice driving. Letís go!
Tommy: Practice driving?
(Jason and Gwen are making their way through the hallways.)
Gwen: So we get to shut down a neutron reactor.
Jason: Thatís right.
Gwen: I hate to break it to you, Jason, but I donít know how to shut down a neutron reactor, and unless you took a learning annex course I donít know about, Iím pretty sure you donít know how to shut down a neutron reactor either.
Jason: No, I donít. But I know someone who does.
(Jason flicks open his interstellar VOX.)
(Brandonís House Ė Bedroom)
(Brandonís mother knocks on the door and opens it.)
Mom: Brandon, honey. Garbage.
Brandon: (working on something) Mother, Iím quite busy.
Mom: Come on, Brandon. Donít make me ask you again.
Brandon: Just ten more minutes. Okay, Ma, I promise.
Mom: Great. (leaves)
(Brandon hears a soft beep. He doesnít know where itís coming from. He looks in the drawer, then he hears a soft voice.)
Jason: (os) Hello? Anybody there? ... Hello.
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: (to Gwen) Got him. (to Brandon) Listen to me. This is Jason Nesmith. I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, NSEA Protector. We accidentally traded VOXís the other day when we bumped into each other.
(Brandon now knows where the voice is coming from. He reaches for the VOX.)
Brandon: Oh? Oh, Commander, I see. (He picks up the VOX.) Okay.
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: Whatís your name, son?
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: Brandon, I remember you, from the convention, right? You asked all those little technical questions about the ship ... And I was a little short with you?
Brandon: Yes, I - I know, Commander, and I actually wanna Ė I just wanted to tell you that I - I though a lot about what you said.
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: Itís okay. Now listenÖ
Brandon: But I want you to know that Iím not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that itís just a TV show.
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: Hold on, wait a minuteÖ(Brandon continues.) Wait a minute. Stop. Stop for just a second. Stop. Wait. Itís all real.
Brandon: Oh, my God! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: The crew and I are in a lot of trouble, and we need your help.
(Alexander is sneaking around a corner in the passageway.)
Computer: Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in six minutes.
(Alexander ducks into a doorway as guards come around the corner in front of him. Suddenly he hears a gasp and a light scream coming from above him. He takes a defensive stance, then notices that itís one of the Thermians.)
Quellek: Sir, itís you. Thank Ipthar!
Alexander: (recognizing the voice) Quellek? What are you doing up there?
(Quellek leaps down, activating his appearance generator, and he comes into the frame as a human.)
Quellek: I avoided capture by using your Makítar stealth haze. (Alexander makes a face, but figures Ďwhatever worksí.) Where is everyone?
Alexander: (taking the gun) Come with me. Iíll explain on the way.
(Somewhere on the Ship)
(Gwen and Jason are making their way through the ship with the guidance from Brandon.)
Jason: (into VOX) All right. Weíre at level C, hallway five. Now what?
Brandon: Um Ė go to weapons storage, your second left, through the passage. And that leads to a system of utility corridors through the bowels of the ship.
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
Jason: (to door) Open!
Brandon: You know. Iím gonna get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than anyone else alive.
(Protector II Ė Main Passageway)
(Guy, Fred and Laliari coming around a corner, Guy holding a gun at the ready.)
Guy: ... 38, 39, 40.
(They reach a doorway.)
Fred: All we have to do is turn off the valve to the barracks.
(They look through the window to see that the room is filled with Sarrisí guards, sitting around chatting. They canít get to the valve, and the situation appears hopeless.)
(Brandon is talking to Kyle on the computer screen.)
Kyle: (on screen) Hi, Brandon.
Brandon: No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level five emergency. You still got the utility systems walk-through, right?
Kyle: (on screen) Yeah. Iíve got sectors one through twenty-eight. I think Hollister has the upper levels.
Brandon: Great. Iíll get everybody on-line.
(Protector II Ė Strategy Room)
(Tommy is watching the historical documents and practicing "driving".)
Laredo: (on screen) Pedal to the metal, Commander.
Tommy: Pedal to the metal, Commander.
Lathe: General! I have just received word that the commander of the Protector and his command crew have escaped custody.
(Suddenly the windshield of the spacecraft is wetly struck by the body of one of Sarrisí guards. He glances at it dispassionately, then turns back to his Lieutenant.)
Sarris: Find them!
Lathe: But sir! My men! The core implosion Ė
Sarris: (angrily) FIND THEM!!
(Protector II Ė Room)
(Jason and Gwen enter a room with five ducts in it.)
Jason: (into VOX) All right, Brandon. I see five ducts in this room. Which way do we go?
Brandon: (on VOX) Enter the passage second to your left. And just continue straight for 50 meters.
Gwen: Ducts? Why is it always ducts?
Brandon: (on VOX) UhÖthere will be a slight drop.
(Too late Ė Jason and Gwen slide down rapidly. Gwen screams, but they land harmlessly into a passageway.)
Jason: Thanks for the heads-up, Brandon. (to Gwen) You okay?
(Alexander and Quellek reach the barracks. Inside they can see that the Thermians are quickly losing air.)
Quellek: Theyíre dying.
(Bowels of the ship)
(Jason and Gwen look at what appears to be a small catwalk on the floor over a large spinning fan.)
Jason: Wait a minute. We gotta go across this thing?
Brandon: (on VOX) Yes.
Jason: Donít look down.
Brandon: (excited, on VOX) What Iíd give to see what youíre seeing!
Jason: What are you talking about?
Brandon: (on VOX) Youíre deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13! Oh, it must be spectacular!
Gwen: It Ė it doesnít look like much to me. Thereís just these few walls and this dumb spinning fan that we have in every single Ė
(As Gwen has been speaking Jason looks up and is amazed at what he sees. He points and Gwen looks up too. It indeed looks amazing. Everything spinning and glowing as the particles move around.)
Jason: Brandon. What does the Omega 13 device do?
Brandon: (in his room) Uh, many have believed that it is a matter collapser, a bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds. But myself and others are convinced that what is itÖ
Jason: (to Gwen) We gotta go - go!
Brandon: (on VOX)Öis a matter re-arranger, affecting a 13 second time jump to the past.
Gwen: Why 13 seconds? Thatís really not enough time to do anything of any importance.
Jason: Itíd be time enough to redeem a single mistake.
(Suddenly Jason and Gwen are fired on. Jason moves Gwen out of the way and fires back.)
Jason: Go, go, go, go.
(Fred, Guy, and Laliari stand outside the door trying to figure out a way to distract Sarrisís guards.)
Fred: We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygenís almost gone.
Guy: Listen. Iíll go in. Iíll create a distraction. Iíve got this (referring to the gun). Iím okay. Iím gonna be able to hold Ďem back long enough for the aliens to escape.
Fred: Thatís suicide.
Guy: Iím just a glorified extra, Fred. Iím a dead man anyway. If Iím gonna die, Iíd rather go out as a hero than a coward.
Fred: Guy. Guy, maybe youíre the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?
Fred: Oh, besides, (thinks and chuckles) I just had this really interesting idea.
Guy: Are you stoned?
(Alexander and Quellek are trying to prop open the door to the barracks to give the Thermians more air.)
Alexander: Gotta get her up, and give them some time.
Quellek: Sir Ė perhaps together Ė the Makítar chant of strength: Larak tarath.
(Alex isnít to keen on the idea, but he figures itís work a try.)
Both: (pulling on door.) Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath.
(The door opens a little bit and a small amount of air is able to get into the barracks, but the guys arenít strong enough to hold the door open for very long and it shuts quickly, throwing them back.)
Jason: All right, Brandon. Weíre across. Now what?
Brandon: (in his room) You wanna take a left and then just straight on through the Chompers.
Gwen: The Chompers???
(They turn the corner and see the Chompers. It is essentially what it sounds like. Large pieces of metal chomping together in different directions. Very dangerous stuff.)
Gwen: Well, screw that!
(NOTE: If you happen to be watching Gwenís mouth when she says that line, youíll notice that she says something completely different and they dubbed over the original word.)
Jason: How are we supposed to get through this?
Brandon: (on phone with Hollister) Hollister, do you have the sequence yet?
Hollister: (in his room) Okay, the sequence is Ė two-two-four-two-
(Protector II Ė The Chompers)
(As Hollister continues to give the sequence Jason can hear him and he looks down at the VOX with raised eyebrows.)
Gwen: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway! We shouldnít have to do this. It makes no logical sense! Why is it here!
Jason: Because itís on the television show.
Gwen: Well, forget it! I am not doing it! This episode was badly written.
Brandon: (in his room) Okay, Commander. Now, as soon as the first crusher hits youÖ
Jason: (looks) It just did.
Brandon: (in his room) Okay. Go NOW. Go!
Jason: Go! Stop! Go! Wait a minute! Go! Go! Come on. Come on. Come on.
(Jason drops his gun and it gets crushed like a piece of squished by one of the chompers.)
Brandon: (on VOX) Jump, commander. Jump!
(They do, just in time, for flames shoot up out of the floor.)
Gwen: Whoever wrote this episode should die.
(Fred is setting up the digital conveyor.)
Fred: This should be interesting.
(He zeroes in on the Rock Monster and manipulates the controls.)
(Sarrisís guards are sitting around when suddenly there is a flash. The Rock Monster appears in their midst and they all stare for a few seconds. Then they all begin shooting at it, to no effect.)
Fred: Itís the simple things in life you treasure.
Guy: Thatís great. Now we better get -
(Laliari and Fred look at each other, then Laliari grabs Fred and kisses him.)
Guy: Hey, get a room, guys.
(Laliariís true form comes out as her tentacles begin to rub on Fredís back. Fred looks at them for a second and then kisses her again.)
Guy: Whoa! Hey, Fred. Hey, Fred!
(Fred and Laliari fall to the floor. They are no longer visible to us, butÖ)
Guy: Oh thatís not right! NoÖ
(The Rock Monster is still chasing Sarrisís guards down the hall. It eventually breaks through the side of the ship and all of them fall out into space.)
(Fred comes into the room and opens the valve for the Thermians air.)
Quellek: (looking at the monitor) Sir! The pressure! Itís normalizing.
Alexander: All right! (to door) Open!
(The door opens and they enter to help the people.)
Teb: We are saved! He has saved us!
(Alexander marches forward to receive his praise.)
Teb: Commander Taggart has saved us.
Alexander: (deflates like a balloon) Itís just not fair. (pause) All right, Quellek, letís get back to the Command Deck.
(Suddenly a laser blast hits Quellek in the chest.)
Quellek: (looking down) Iím Ė Iím shot.
(He falls to the floor. The guard who shot him advances, raises his gun to get off another shot, but he misses, Then his gun jams. Alexander manages to get Quellek out of the line of fire.)
Alexander: Quellek? (he examines the wound) Thatís not too bad. Weíll get you to the medical quarters, and youíll be fine.
Quellek: It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. I have been blessed, sir Ė I, I Ė
Alexander: Donít speak, Quellek.
Quellek: Youíll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we never before met, I always considered you as a father to me.
Alexander: Quellek. By Grabtharís hammer, by the suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.
(Quellek smiles, and then dies quietly. Alexander lays Quellek down and then stands up. He marches into the hallway where the guard is still trying to get his gun to work. Alexander charges the guard and proceeds to beat the crap out of him.)
(Jason and Gwen run in.)
Gwen: ... 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19!
Jason: All right, Brandon. How do we shut this thing down?
Brandon: (on VOX) Okay! Just push the blue button.
Jason: The blue button. Is that it?
Brandon: (in his room) Yeah. Why? Whatís wrong?
Jason: Nothing. I just thought itíd be more complicated than that.
(Jason raises the lid.)
Computer: Core implosion estimated in 20 seconds.
(Jason pushes the button, but the clock keeps counting down. Jason pushes the button a few more times.)
Jason: Brandon, itís not working. Brandon!
(Brandon runs out the front door carrying two bags of trash. His mother stands in the front doorway and watches him. Brandon puts the garbage into a trashcan.)
Brandon: Mother, I cannot stress enough the severity of the commanderís predicament.
Mom: Donít forget the recyclables!
(Brandon runs back to resort the trash.)
(Jason and Gwen stand there watching the clock count down. They donít know what else to do.)
Computer: Core implosion estimated in ten seconds. Nine ... eight .. .
Jason: Gwen, IÖ
Computer: ... seven ... six ... five ... four ...
Gwen: Jason. Oh, Jason.
(They hug for one last time.)
Computer: ... three ... two ... one ...
(Nothing happens! They look at the clock and see it has stopped on one.)
Gwen: It always stops at one on the show.
(They laugh with relief, and then Jason runs out of the room.)
Gwen: (following Jason) Um, what were you saying?
Lathe: The core detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted.
Sarris: Impossible! Impossible! Lock a complement of implosion missiles under the Protector. Tear her apart.
(Protector II Ė Hallway)
(The Thermians and Alexander are continuing to kick alien butt, and itís obvious that they are winning. Jason runs over to beat the crap out of another alien, but Jason stops him.)
Jason: Heís finished, Alexander. Listen to me. Itís okay. Itís okay. The Thermians can handle it from here. We gotta go. Come on.
(Alexanderís reptile headgear has come askew, but he doesnít seem to notice Ė and neither does anyone else.)
(Jason, Gwen and Alexander arrive at the command deck on the run.)
Jason: We need that armor back up! Get me a forward view right now!
(Alexander hurriedly takes his place at the console.)
Alexander: Plasma armor engaged!
Jason: All right, Tommy, see if you can lose Ďem in that minefield.
Guy: Mi Ė Mine field?!?
Jason: Pedal to the metal! Right now!
Tommy: Pedal to the metal!
Guy: All right, letís go!
(Outside shot of the Protector II going into the minefield. Tommy is doing a much better job this time of avoiding the mines.)
Jason: Good going, Tommy! Great going!
Sarris: Thrust ahead Ė full! Into the field! GO!
(Outside shot of Sarrisís ship entering the minefield.)
(Protector II Ė Command Deck)
Jason: Tommy, can you get us closer to those mines?
Tommy: Closer??? (Jason looks at Tommy with a slight smile on his face. Tommyís mind clicks, and he grins broadly.) I could try.
Lathe: General, Iíve lost them. The magnetism of the mine field is disrupting our instruments. Wait! I see something. (Pointing) Yes, yes! There they are.
Sarris: Get back on their tail.
Lathe: I canít, sir.
Sarris: What? Why not?
Lathe: Because theyíre coming right at us.
Sarris: Fire at will!
(Protector II Ė Command Deck)
Guy: Whoo! Weíre getting hammered, Jason. Return fire?
Jason: No! Divert all energy to the armor!
Sarris: (on screen) How adorable! The actors are going to play war with me.
Gwen: Sarrisí ship accelerating toward us at mark 2.
Jason: Accelerate to mark 4.
Sarris: (on screen) Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
Jason: Well, let me tell you something, Sarris. It doesnít take a great actor to recognize a bad one. Youíre sweating.
Gwen: Armor almost gone, Jason!
Sarris: (on screen) You fool! You Failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.
Jason: And what you fail to realize is that my ship is ... dragging mines.
(Outside shot of the Protector and we see that they are indeed dragging hundreds of mines.)
Sarris: Oh, no! Turn! Turn!
(But itís too late and the mines head right for Sarrisís ship, tearing it apart. Sarris runs over to a console. The ship then explodes.)
(Protector II Ė Command Deck)
Gwen: We did it!
Tommy: Yes! Yes!
(Jason chuckles, then Mathasar comes through the door to the command center, walking with a crutch.)
Jason: Mathasar! Oh, my God. Youíre alive. (They hug.) Come here.
Mathasar: (laughing) The ship was a model as big as this. A very clever deception, indeed!
(The entire Thermian crew cheers and laughs.)
Tommy: Set a course for home, Commander?
Jason: Can you do that?
Tommy: Oh, yeah. Just point and click. But weíre gonna have to go through the black hole.
Jason: Any objections?
(Everyone shakes their head no, and smiling, go back to their consoles.)
Jason: All right, set her up. (noting the sad look on Mathasarís face) Whatís the matter, Mathasar?
Mathasar: We were hoping you could come with us. M-my people have no commander.
Jason: Mathasar, I think your people have a great commander.
(Then he gives Mathasar the Galaxy Quest salute and bow. Mathasarís people also salute and bow. Mathasar smiles and Teb salutes and bows.)
Jason: All right, Tommy. Take us into the black hole.
(Tommy manipulates the controls like an old pro, and the ship enters the black hole.)
(The Other Side)
(Suddenly the ship comes shooting out of the black hole.)
Gwen: Weíre out.
Guy: (with relief) Weíre going home.
Computer: Systems register functional.
Gwen: All systems are working, Commander.
Alexander: Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarrisís ship.
Jason: Letís not worry about that right now, Alexander. (the doors open and Fred walks in) Fred, what are you doing up here? Shouldnít you be downstairs until we decÖ(Fred smiles and pulls out a gun) Hey, you know, you can put an eye out with that thing ... Fred?
(Fred continues to smile as he shoots Jason. He pushes a button on a VOX and his image shimmers and itís revealed that itís Sarris. He used the VOX to alter his appearance. One by one Sarris shoots Tommy, Gwen, Alexander, and Mathasar. Jason watches each of them fall.)
Jason: Mathasar! Activate the Omega 13!
(Mathasar rises and turns it on, which brings an activate button up in front of Jason. He presses the button. The Omega 13 sends a signal throughout the universe and - time flips backwards. They have, once again, just emerged from the black hole.)
Gwen: Weíre out.
Guy: Weíre going home.
(Jason is the only one who remembers what went on just a few seconds before.)
Computer: Systems register functional.
Gwen: All systems are working, Commander.
Alexander: Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarrisí ship.
(Jason turns to look at the door as Fred walks in. Jason charges him and knocks the gun out of his hand. He proceeds to beat on Fred/Sarris. The rest of the gang, not knowing whatís going on, pull Jason off of Fred.)
Gwen: Jason! What are you doing? What are you doing?
Jason: Let go of me! Let Ė Itís not Fred. Thatís Sarris. Listen to me. Iím telling you, thatís not Fred. Thatís Sarris. Heís going to try to kill all of us.
(Fred/Sarris once again hits the button on the VOX and turns into Sarris. Without his gun, he pulls a knife and lunges for Jason when he is hit from the side and goes down unconscious. The group all turn and see Mathasar standing there with his crutch held like a weapon.)
Mathasar: Never give up Ė never surrender.
Tommy: Jason! Jason! I canít slow it down!
Mathasar: Our ship is too big to enter the atmosphere. We need to separate or we will die.
Jason: We gotta do it. Itís our only hope, Mathasar. Thank you.
Mathasar: Crew to the secondary deck.
(He turns and she throws him a kiss.)
Mathasar: Goodbye, my friends.
Gwen: (into intercom) Fred. Get up to the command deck. Weíre separating.
(Fred and Laliari are running through the hall when they meet Mathasar. He looks down and sees them holding hands, he smiles and sends them on their way.)
(The ships separate and Mathasar takes command of his part.)
Mathasar: On, Teb. On.
(The command portion of the ship is entering the atmosphere dangerously fast.)
(Brandonís House Ė Living Room)
(Brandonís parents are sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. The TV is on in the background.)
Reporter: (on TV) This is the third day of the Galaxy Con, and Jason Nesmith and his entire crew are no-shows here at the big event. Much to the disappointment of all these fans, known as Questoids.
Brandon: (running out) ĎBye. Be back soon.
Mom: Wait a minute. Hey, Brandon, where are you going with all those fireworks?
Brandon: Well, the Protector got super accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it site Ė nailed the atmosphere at mark 16, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable obviously, so weíre gonna help Laredo guide it on the VOX ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman Candles for visual confirmation.
Mom: A-All right. Dinnerís at seven. (Brandon runs out and she turns to the Dad) Well, heís outside.
(The ship is plunging through the atmosphere.)
(Galaxy Quest Convention)
(Roman candles are flying up from the convention parking lot, Brandon is standing there holding the VOX as high as he can. The ship comes over the horizon, and flies so close to Brandon that heís knocked to the ground. The ship lands hard in the parking lot at an incredibly high speed. It trashes a couple of cars and continues on right into the Galaxy Convention Building. People quickly run every which way trying to avoid being hit. The ship comes to a stop right at the stage. Everyone is silent, waiting to see whatís going to happen. The ship door opens as the announcer takes his place at the microphone. Brandon and his crew enter the hall. Tommy stumbles out of the ship, coughing.)
Announcer: Lieutenant Laredo Ė Tommy Webber! Hi, Tommy! (Gwen comes out of the ship) The beautiful Tawny Madison, Gwen DeMarco. Yes! Yes! Wow! What effects! (Guy comes out) Another shipmate! Yes, the more the merrier! (Fred and Laliari come out) The shipís Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan, and a friend! (Alexander comes out) Doctor Lazarus Ė Alexander Dane! Give a big hand Ė heís British! Yes, sir! (No one notices as Sarris wakes up as Jason exits the ship.) Commander Peter Quincy Taggart Ė Jason Nesmith!
Jason: Great driving, Tommy.
Brandon: Yeah! Yes!
(Suddenly, Sarris comes out, with a huge gun. The crowd reacts to him with boos and moans.)
Jason: Quick! Quick, quick. Go, go, go.
(He grabs Tommyís gun, rolls away from Sarris , takes aim and fires. Sarris is hit and immediately dissolves into nothingness. The crowd cheers.)
Announcer: Come on, give it up for the crew, the N.S.E.A Protector!
(Jason walks up and takes Gwenís hand, then they hug, and kiss, and Jason leans over her for a deep kiss.)
Announcer: Ah, true love. Yes! Theyíre here for you folks. Give it up! What a show!
(Jason raises his hands and the crows cheers him. Then he spots Brandon and his crew, and salutes them.)
Announcer: Come on give it up. Give it all up Ė for the crew of your favorite show, Galaxy Quest!
(Jason beckons to his crew to come forward to take their bows, the first time he has ever done this, and they are momentarily confused. They step forward and bow in unison.)
Jason: Come on! Come on!
Announcer: Donít forget to buy the Galaxy Quest T-shirts on yur way out. Thank you.
(The Opening Credits for Galaxy Quest)
Announcer: And now, back again after 18 years, the New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.
(As each of our gang come on screen their names are subtitled.)
Jason Nesmith as Commander Peter Quincy Taggert
Alexander Dane as Dr. Lazarus
Gwen DeMarco as Lt. Tawny Madison
Fred Kwan as Tech Sgt. Chen
Jane Doe as Laliari
Tommy Webber as Laredo
And introducing Guy Fleegman as Security Chief "Roc" Ingersol