Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"
Chandler: You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!
Ross: I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.
Joey: You could drink the fat.
Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.
Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
Ross: And it works both ways.
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: You're so pretty.
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
Joey: Put your hands together. (smiles)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint!
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe: Then I've already seen this one! (turns off the TV)
Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
All: You're kidding. Oh my God.
Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself!
Monica: ..Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!
Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.
Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.
Monica: Oh, no...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch!
Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
Phoebe: What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
Ross: That guy, he burns me up.
Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
Monica: You could do that!
Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.
Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'
Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.
Rachel: Yeah right.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.
Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: What? (pause) Why not?
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross: So you do know a little English.
Paolo: Poco... a leetle.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!
Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I feel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)
Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
Joey: Ahhh, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!
Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.
Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.
Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you?
Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!
Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?
Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."
Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?
Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.
Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her?
Joey: With this ring? No contest.
Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon.
Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
Chandler: Any contact?
Ross: She lent me an egg once.
Joey: You're in!
Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.
(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
Joey: Think it'll work?
Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?
Janice: I will go for that drink.
Chandler: I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Rachel: ... the WENUS?
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Ross: I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.
Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.
Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?
Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.
Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?
Ross: Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Monica: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet?
Chandler: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.
Monica: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument.
Rachel: Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!
Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?
Rachel: Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
Monica: Oh, Rachel!
Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
Ross: Alright. Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller.
Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.
Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Rachel: Thank you. Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!
Monica: Oh good! (looking around Central Perk) 'Cause where else would we get any?
Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?
Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?
Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!
Luisa: (thinks about it) Nope.
Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?
Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff!
Monica: What kinda stuff?
Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.
Phoebe: You cook naked?
Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.
Joey: He's back! The peeper's back!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Joey: (ducking) Get down!
Rachel: Get down?
Chandler: ...And boogie!
Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?
Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?
Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'
Phoebe: I could be a secretary.
Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
Phoebe: I could do that.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, André is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.
Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment.
Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
Monica: How was that possible?
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there?
Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?
Rachel: I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.
Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?
Monica: You had a salad.
Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Joey: Such as?
Phoebe: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
Ross: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
Ross: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--
Phoebe: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Ross: Is there blood coming out of my ears?
Phoebe: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
Ross: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Julie: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
Chandler: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?
Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.
Ross: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.
Joey: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chandler: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.
Rachel: Who gave you that hickey?
Monica: That would be the work of a Blowfish.
Ross: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.
Monica: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.
Ross: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.
Monica: Is your tongue swelling up?
Ross: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.
Monica: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.
Ross: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
Joey: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
Chandler: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
Phoebe: OK, is this really my father?
Grandmother: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.
Phoebe: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
Monica: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.
Ross: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.
Rachel: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.
Monica: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
Phoebe: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
Monica: Do you not see it?
Ross: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.
Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
Ross: (to Russ) For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
Russ: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.
Chandler: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
Chandler: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
Ross: No no, that's me.
Chandler: Oh, yeah.
Phoebe: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it."
Monica: All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
Rachel: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Monica: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.
Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.
Monica: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?
Rachel: Actually, what I think you said was, "Don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."
Monica: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
Joey: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
Ross: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
Chandler: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat all of a sudden I have this big attitude problem.
Monica: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like?
Chandler: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
Rachel & Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
TV Doctor: You're the only one who can save her Drake.
Joey: (on TV) Dammit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
Ross: Well, there goes my whole belief system.
Chandler: (to guys wearing yellow isolation suits) So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Susie: Uh, is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Chandler: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
Phoebe: Stick a fork what?
Chandler: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
Chandler: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
Phoebe: Well you know, you just, you eat them and you can tell.
Chandler: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
Phoebe: There we go. You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Phoebe: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
Chandler: How long you been waitin' to say that?
Phoebe: About 20 minutes.
Ross: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band?
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.
Phoebe: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. (she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice) Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.
Joey: Some girl ate Monica.
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Ross: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?
Chandler: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
Phoebe: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.
Chandler & Joey: Hey, woah, hey, woah.
Phoebe: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.
Joey: No, inside good, outside bad.
Phoebe: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.
Chandler: She's one of us now.
Ross: (on the phone) Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, no, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.
Chandler: Well maybe he was nervous.
Chandler: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. (Joey gets a sheepish look.) You used my toothbrush?
Joey: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.
Chandler: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.
Chandler: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
Joey: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?
Chandler: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Chandler: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.
Rachel: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.
Joey: Nah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.
Phoebe: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.
Joey: Anybody want a croan.
Phoebe: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my phallic shaped man cakes?'
Eddie: You, you want, you want me to move out?
Eddie: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?
Chandler: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
Chandler: Goodbye you fruit drying psychopath.
Monica: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
Monica: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: No luck huh?
Ross: Nah. A while ago I got a 'seh' out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into seh-condary caregiver but...
Joey: Man you are incredible.
Richard: Well, we had a table in college.
Chandler: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
Richard: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.
Joey: How come those?
Monica: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY because I think it sounds zexy.
Rachel: What happened to uh, MEG?
Monica: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.
Ross: Hi honey, how did it go?
Rachel: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.
Chandler: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
Phoebe: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.
Ryan: Chicken or small?
Phoebe: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.
Phoebe: What does she mean by HH?
Chandler: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.
Phoebe: Are you the cutest?
Chandler: I'm afraid I might just be.
Phoebe: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
Joey: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
Chandler: How do you not fall down more?
Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.
Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
Rachel: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?
Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
Joey & Ross: Go Joe!!!
Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.
Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Phoebe: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down.
Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Ross: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that.
Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?
Ben: Monica bang!
Rachel: Okay, I heard that.
Monica: Did he just say 'Monica bang'?
Monica: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out!
Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun?
Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now.
Monica: You okay?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?!!
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?
Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes!
Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?
Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success, 'the munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me 'Cookie Dude!'
Chandler: I'm here to see Mary-Angela.
Joey: You are so the man! Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, 'cause my Grandma doesn't know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you get a magician?!
Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.
Joey: Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again?
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining?
Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay?
Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say?
Monica: You say 'Thank you very much,' and then you buy me something pretty.
Singer: Okay, my next song's called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way.
Phoebe: Oh no, one of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs.
Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? My milk's gone bad.
Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because that would be crazy?
Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here!
Phoebe: Wait. Really?! 'Cause mine get me out of tickets.
Ross: Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)
Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Monica and Phoebe: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?
Ross: Hey, you guys! Guess what?
Rachel: Got a job on a river boat?
Ross: Y'know what I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You're not my girlfriend anymore so...
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.
Rachel: Now that you're on you're own, you're free to look as stupid as you like.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?
Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.
Rachel: This place is amazing.
Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.
Monica: Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!
Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam's Apple, but that really hurt.
Ross: No you do--y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this.
Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right.
Ross: I do not always have to be--okay, okay. (starts to leave)
Rachel: (as Ross) Jurassic Park could happen.
Salesman: Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Joey: Spock's birth control.
Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.
Ross: So why don't you quit?
Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.
Ross: Who is Maria?
Chandler: Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym…treat.
Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y'know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen thought I was a whore too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise.
Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?
Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?
Cheryl: According to recent findings!
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years?
Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad?
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived!
Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go.
Rachel: I know, it's sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because it's Richard's son! It's like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!
Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don't you?
Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I'd be your best shot but, no. I'm sorry, but I think it's twisted.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin' in a box!!
Monica: See he's nice. Right?
Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That's not how your dad used to do it."
Chandler: Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?
Ross: I don't know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there's this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.
Chandler: No-no, I don't think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!
Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town?
Chandler: Kathy's with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!
Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party!
Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert!
Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard!
Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf?
Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?
Rachel: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby. Like your mom?
Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.
Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!"
Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler, why don't you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon!
Rachel: Yeah but, I've never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: (shocked) You've never asked a guy out?!!
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn't make me sound too good does it?
Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.
Monica: What's Phase Two?
Joey: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club.
Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?
Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.
Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
Ross: There are naked ladies there too.
Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!
Chandler: I know, I know, but you're gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.
Joey: Yeah, all right.
Ross: Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby.
Phoebe: You're kidding! And he plays rugby?! That's so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.
Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.
Phoebe: That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too.
Ross: So uh, Emily called last night…
Chandler: And now you're giving me the message!
Carol: I can't speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y'know? Say-say they're coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they're laughing, y'know, someone innocently touches someone else… There's electricity, it's new. It's exciting. Are you telling me there isn't even the slightest possibility of something happening?
Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn't really believe it until you just said it!!
Joey: It's the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Chandler: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, y'know, picking up wedding dresses… (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: Y'know, whipped! Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!
Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring?
Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They're stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.
Phoebe: Oh, how'd that happen?
Chandler: Because I'm cooler.
Monica: No, seriously.
Chandler: Well she's, she's the kinda girl-Joey was unconscious.
Phoebe: (angrily) That's like the tenth time I've peed since I've been here!
Monica: That's also like the tenth time you told us.
Phoebe: Yeah, oh I'm sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it's a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I'm so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, 'cause-Oh! I'm pregnant!
Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?
Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.
Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?
Phoebe: I haven't really had any yet.
Phoebe: (to her stomach) Stop it!
Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.
Monica: I thought that was a good thing.
Phoebe: It's not kicking me, it's kicking one of the other babies. Oh! (looks down her dress) Don't make me come in there!
Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?
Joey: It's London, baby! All right, the hotel's here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go... No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I'm gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)
Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there kill it!
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say 'hi!' but then I figured, he doesn't care if he looks like you.
Joey: That just cost me four bucks.
Phoebe: No no no, I'll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?
Housekeeper: I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don't give me that number then I'm going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm one of Ross's best friends.
Mrs. Waltham: Where did you get this number?
Phoebe: I got it from your maid. She's a bitch, but I wore her down.
Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you're one of Ross's best friends, why aren't you here?
Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?
Ross: I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre.
Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!
Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?
Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.
Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!
Janice: You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!!
Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice.
Janice: Well yeah!!
Phoebe: Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!
Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it, our naked buddy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!
Joey: She's right y'know.
Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!
Rachel: Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.
Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?
Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so…
Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?
Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!
Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!
Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.
Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done.
Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.
Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.
Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.
Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?
Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
Ross: And thank you, for that.
Rachel: Is Monica here?
Joey and Ross: No.
Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.
Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!
(re: The hairless cat Rachel has bought.)
Ross: What-what is it?!
Joey: What the hell is that?!!
Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!
Joey: That, is not a cat!
Rachel: Yes it is!
Ross: Why is it inside out?!
Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!
Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.
Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?
Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.
Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.
Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!
Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?
Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back.
Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.
Chandler: Y'know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn't let you have one?
Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he's surprisingly strict.
Chandler: Hi, my name's Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.
Phoebe: I'm, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale's and use the copy machine.
Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it's kinda weird considering I don't work there anymore.
Monica: And Dad, y'know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys! Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!
Chandler: That's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica: I don't think mine likes me either.
Ross: Maybe it's a universal thing?
Joey: Or maybe, it's because you're hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.
Chandler: You're turning into a women.
Joey: No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
Chandler: Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Joey: It's not what you said. It's the way you said it….Oh My God, I'm a women!!!
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren't that great either.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.
Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?
Joey: Oh, 'cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there's your admirer.
Chandler: A hot girl's at stake and all of the sudden he's Rain Man.
Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that.
Rachel: Oo! When's her birthday?!
Ross: I don't know Rachel, why?
Rachel: Well, y'know it's just been so long since I've been to Chuckie Cheese.
Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!
Phoebe: Okay sure!
Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions.
Joey: Call it even?
Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.
Monica: You-you're gonna have to put your foot down?
Chandler: Yes, I am!
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
Ross: Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
Rachel: I don't know. Y'know, they didn't get us anything.
Ross: Thank you!
Ross: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
Ross: Well, John McClane had plans!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!
Monica: Here's Frannie. Hmm, won't she be happy to see me?
Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn't bring you here so you can ambush her.
Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom.
Ross: That bitch!
Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?
Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
Ben: I'm not allowed to have soda.
Rachel: Okay. Well that's pretty much all that we have-Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita?
Ben: What's a virgin?
Rachel: Water it is.
Chandler: Y'know I'm-I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Oh boy, me too!
Chandler: Y'know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
Cassie: It's been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Ross: Oh. Oh, that's right. So-so you did see me that day, because it seemed like you didn't.
Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Monica: They were lovers.
Rachel: No we weren't! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y'know, ended up…kissing for a bit.
Ross: So that's two of my wives.
Chandler: Y'know I think we should invite them.
Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.
Chandler: Well this is just sad!
Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding: do you need one?
Joey: No, I'm performing the ceremony. I'm not wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I don't think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her?
Joey: I don't know. Just uh, just tell 'em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or-No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don't think you can blame it on them, so… (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I'm just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren't delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What, are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)
Chandler: Ross is Batman!
Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!
Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!
Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!
Monica: 007 has a fancy car!
Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!
Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?
Ross: What, are you kidding? It's Batman's tux!!
Chandler: Let me try it on!
Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin' in there.
Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman!
Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn't even asked?!
Chandler: Well he doesn't have to know! It's not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler: Okay. Here's a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: (laughs) I don't have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Chandler: Because if I go home, we're gonna become the Bings! I can't be the Bings!
Ross: What's wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?
Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)
Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)
Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions.
Monica: What about my questions?
Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question?
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
Ross: Now I'm so happy.
Rachel: What are you talking about?!
Monica: You used the Europe story!
Chandler: That's the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef.
Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica's boss?
Tim: Actually she's my-my boss. Sous is French for under.
Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand.
Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?
Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
Ross: Well, why don't you correct him?
Chandler: Oh it's been going on way to long now. Y'know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn't say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it's five years later, the donut's gone and I'm still Toby.
Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look-Besides, we work in different departments. He's on the sixth floor y'know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What's the big deal? It could be worse, it's not like he's calling me Muriel.
Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It's not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!!
Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
Monica: Okay, he's slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire!
Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y'know you can be very intimidating. And besides I've met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.
Joey: I said no.
Joey: What? I…I just figured since you're pregnant you're not gonna be seeing people.
Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?
Joey: I didn't tell him. I didn't know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people.
Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Mr. Franklin: You're a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
Chandler: What's funny about that?
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I've got a stack of documents on my desk this high.
Chandler: Y'know what you should do, just toss 'em in the shedder and claim you never got 'em.
Mr. Franklin: (laughs) That's a good one. (Walks away.)
Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!
Ross: Well, I'll-I'll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so…
Rachel: Please tell me you're not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Phoebe: Now wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
Ross: That's right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don't take her from me.
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he'd love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Rachel: Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! There's only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Eric: Aren't you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Phoebe: I love the second grade!
Phoebe: Yeah! It's so much better than first grade when you don't know what's going on and definitely better than third grade. Y'know with all the politics and mind games.
Chandler: Joey's gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you'd come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually I'm just a nurse.
Chandler: You'd think that would embarrass me, (motions to his bunny suit) but you see I'm maxed out.
Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how'd you get this number?
Eric: Oh, I have a friend who's a cop and he got it for me.
Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation-and wonderful surprise.
Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: 'Cause I know he's gonna flip out and I hate it when he's angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so 'Papa don't preach.'
Chandler: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path, but you're really going down different ones.
Joey: I'm gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
Monica: All right, you're telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?
Joey: That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani! And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don't read a lot or run very fast, but dammit! We can eat!
Will: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
Ross: (laughs) Yeah.
Will: So what do you, what do you do now?
Ross: So how long are you in town?
Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?!
Monica: I swear I didn't. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Ross and Will: Yeah.
Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.
(re: The rumor Ross and Will started about Rachel.)
Monica: You started that?!
Rachel: What?! You heard that?!
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
Ross: Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y'know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it.
Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
Ross: Smaller than that.
Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
Ross: Uh, bigger than that.
Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.
Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.
Ross: Yeah I-I don't-I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.
Phoebe: No, we hate that.
Monica: That is a slap in the face.
Rachel: …you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?!
Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!"
Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing!
Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.
Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I'm telling you, if you had some candles and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.
Chandler: Honey, it's 2:00 on a Wednesday and I'm watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am?
Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if it's a girl, how about Sandrine? It's French.
Ross: Huh. That's a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have?
Ross: Well, OK, it's for a boy. Well, I know it's a little out there, but…Darwin.
Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine.
Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.
Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler…
Monica: Yes! Exactly.
Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, what's up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.
Chandler: Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?
Monica: No, it doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Chandler: Oh y'know, I've been living here a while and I've never seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica: Feminine stuff.
Chandler: Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: I don't know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?!
Joey: I don't know. Ooh, I bet it's Richard.
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she's having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too.
Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk.
Chandler: You're messy.
Monica: Oh no! You weren't supposed to see this!
Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
Chandler: So Rachel's all moved out huh? How are you taking it?
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, it's a couple weeks past it's expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
Phoebe: Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.
Phoebe: Taffy, really? I've never had any.
Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
Phoebe: So what, you're just never going to tell her?
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I haven't said it before: she's a lucky, lucky lady!
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross: Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here.
Ross: I think she's lonely.
Mona: Okay, but it's Valentine's Day!
Ross: I know.
Mona: Can't we just ask her to go?
Ross: No, no. She's way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?
Ross: Mm-hmm. She's-she's emotional, but, but ballsy.
Ross: It's not a big deal? Oh, I'm sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like-you-you can't stop thinking about her. Like how you can't sleep?
Joey: I'm an actor, y'know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic.
Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?
Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That's why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He'll find me.
Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn't that be incredible?!
Monica: I'd move in tomorrow!
Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?
Phoebe: I'm so sorry.
Chandler: What do we do?
Phoebe: I don't know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don't know how you fight that.
Waiter No. 2: Is this your table?
Waiter No. 2: God, you're gonna be here all night!
Waiter: I know! I haven't even read them the specials yet!
Waiter No. 2: What's the matter with them?
Waiter: I don't know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope it's the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!
Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean?
Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case?
Chandler: Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one.
Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD?
Chandler: In the James Taylor case.
Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD?
Chandler: Honey, I'm gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case.
Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we're just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases.
Chandler: Well, if we're gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y'know alphabetically or by genre?
Monica: Hmm, I don't know. We really have to talk this through.
Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you!
Monica: Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica's look) in exchange for money.
Monica: That's not your regular dry cleaners.
Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store…
Phoebe: A new grocery store. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that's what they gave me? (Looks up) When I get up there I'm going to kick some ass.
Phoebe: Oh, you didn't have to come in with me.
Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me.
Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testicles may be in here too.
Ross: Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y'know Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!
Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.
Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?
Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I'm not going.
Phoebe: You don't have to put a good spin on everything.
Parker: I'm sorry that's who I am. I'm a positive person.
Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!