"...and these children that you spit on,
as they try to change their worlds are
immune to your consultations. They're
quite aware of what they're going through...
- David Bowie"
(The Black Screen and Title Card shatter like a window to reveal...)
(Shermer High School - Day)
(During Brian's monologue, we see various views of things inside the school including Bender's locker.)
Brian: (vo) Saturday...March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon...we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed...
(Claire is being dropped off at school by her father. It's quite obvious that she's the princess. She's very well dressed even though she's at school for detention.)
Claire: I can't believe you can't get me out of this. I mean it's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday! It's not like I'm a defective or anything.
Claire's Father: I'll make it up to you...Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective. Have a good day.
(Claire rolls her eyes and gets out of the car and walks up the front steps into the school.)
(Brian's mother has brought him to school. His little sister is in the back seat. You can tell that he's kind of a nerd.)
Mrs. Johnson: Is this the first time or the last time we do this?
Brian: (upset) Last...
Mrs. Johnson: Well get in there and use the time to your advantage.
Brian: Mom, we're not supposed to study; we just have to sit there and do nothing.
Mrs. Johnson: Well mister you figure out a way to study.
Brian's Little Sister: (annoyingly)Yeah!
Mrs. Johnson: Well go!
(Brian gets out of the car and walks towards the school.)
(Andrew is in the car with his father. Andrew is clearly a jock. He's wearing a letter jacket with lots of patches on it.)
Mr. Clark: Hey, I screwed around...guys screw around, there's nothing wrong with that. Except you got caught, Sport.
Andrew: Yeah, Mom already reamed me, alright?
Mr. Clark: (angry) You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride? Now no school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case.
(Andrew doesn't say anything, he just gets out of the car and walks into the school.)
(John Bender is walking towards the school. He's wearing sunglasses even though the sun is barely up. A car is coming towards him but he ignores it and keeps walking. The car slams on its breaks and stops about 3 inches from hitting John. He doesn't even pause as he heads into the school. Allison gets out of the car dressed all in black. She goes to say something to the driver of the car, but the car drives away.)
(There are six tables in the front of the Library. They are in three rows of two. Claire is sitting at the front left table. Brian comes in and quietly sits down at the table behind her. Andrew comes in and silently asks if he can sit with Claire. Claire shrugs and Andrew sits down. Bender comes in and he messes with everything. (Papers on the front counter, a filing system, etc.) He walks over to the table where Brian is sitting and points to the table right next to it. Brian gets up and quickly moves to the other table. Bender sits down in the seat that Brian vacated and puts his feet up. Allison quickly walks in with her head down. She walks all the way to the very back table and sits down just behind Brian. Claire and Andrew laugh quietly at this. Brian looks at her for a minute then turns around to face the front of the Library. The Vice Principal Richard Vernon enters. He's holding a handful of papers in one hand. He addresses the group condescendingly.)
Vernon: Well...well. Here we are! I want to congratulate you for being on time.
(Claire raises her hand.)
Claire: Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here.
(Vernon ignores her and continues to speak.)
Vernon: It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways.
(Bender spits into the air and catches the spit in his mouth again. Claire sees him do this and she looks like she's about to be sick. )
Vernon: You may not talk. (Notices Brian about to switch seats) You will not move from these seats.(He glances up at Bender and points at him.)...and you...(pulls the chair out from under Bender's feet) ...will not sleep. Alright people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay--of no less than a thousand words--describing to me who you think you are.
Bender: Is this a test?
(Vernon ignores Bender and passes out the papers and pencils.)
Vernon: And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender?
(Bender looks up.)
Vernon: Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even--decide whether or not you care to return.
(Brian raises his hand and then stands up.)
Brian: You know, I can answer that right now sir...that'd be "No", no for me. 'Cause...
Vernon: Sit down Johnson...
Brian: Thank you sir...(He sits.)
Vernon: My office... (he points)...is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. (He looks around at them.) Any questions?
Bender: Yeah...I got a question. (Vernon looks at him suspiciously.) Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. (leaves)
Bender: That man...is a brownie hound...
(As everyone tries to get comfortable we hear a loud snapping/popping sound. Brian turns around and sees that it's Allison biting her nails. Bender's eyes widen as he turns to look. Claire and Andrew both turn and look. Allison looks up and sees that all of them are staring at her.)
Bender: You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch...
(Allison spits part of her nail at Bender.)
Bender: I've seen you before, you know...
(Vernon look out from his office. They all turn around and face forward again.)
Brian: (quietly to himself) Who do I think I am? Who are you? Who are you? (He's playing with his pen and attaches it to his bottom lip and puts the top under his upper lip.) I am a walrus...
(Bender looks at him in utter confusion. Brian notices this, laughs and quickly takes the pen out of his mouth. Brian and Bender begin to take of their jackets at the same time. Bender notices and glares at Brian. Brian immediately stops removing his jacket. As Bender takes his jacket all the way off, Brian rubs his hands together like he's cold and pulls his jacket back on. He turns to look at Bender who is still staring at him.)
Brian: It's the shits, huh?
(Bender doesn't say anything, he just glares at Brian. Brian gives an uncomfortable laugh. Finally Bender turns away and crumples his piece of paper into a ball. He throws it at Claire. It misses and goes over her head. Claire and Andrew both notice this but they continue to ignore Bender. Bender begins singing the musical part of a song.)
Bender: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...nah, nah, nah…
Claire: (to herself) I can't believe this is really happening to me.
(Bender stops "singing" abruptly.)
Bender: Oh, shit! What're we supposed to doif we hafta take a piss?
Claire: (disgusted) Please...
Bender: If you gotta go...(he unzips his fly) you gotta go!
(Everyone is now looking at Bender.)
Claire: (disgusted) Oh my God!
Andrew: Hey, you're not urinating in here man!
Bender: Don't talk! Don't talk! It makes it crawl back up!
Andrew: You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor!
(Bender gasps mockingly.)
Bender: You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr! (He turns to Brian.) Hey, homeboy...
(Brian points at himself with his pen.)
Bender: ...why don't you go close that door. We'll get the prom queen-- impregnated!
(Claire turns and glares at him.)
Andrew: Hey! (Bender ignores him.) Hey!
Andrew: If I lose my temper, you're totaled man!
Claire: (to Bender) Why don't you just shut up! Nobody here is interested!
Andrew: Really! (to Claire about Bender) Buttface!
Bender: Well hey Sporto! What'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock?
Brian: (nervous) Uh, excuse me, fellas? I think we should just write our papers...
Andrew: (to Bender) Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass...so knock it off!
(Bender mockingly registers pain in his face.)
Bender: It's a free country...
Claire: (to Andrew) He's just doing it to get a rise out of you! Just ignore him...
Bender: (to Claire) Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried!
(Claire rolls her eyes.)
Bender: So...so! (to Andrew and Claire) Are you guys like boyfriend/girlfriend? (a beat) Steady dates? (another beat) Lovers? (another beat) Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot...beef... injection?
(Claire and Andrew turn to face Bender, both furious.)
Claire: (yells) Go to hell!
Andrew: (screams) Enough!
(Vernon hears the yelling in his office)
Vernon: (yells) Hey! What's going on in there? (to himself) Smug little pricks!
(They all look at each other. Andrew turns away from Bender.)
Andrew: (to himself) Scumbag!
(Bender gets up and walks over to the railing. He sits on it.)
Bender: What do you say we close that door. We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.
Brian: Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open...
Bender: So what?
Andrew: So why don't you just shut up! There's four other people in here you know.
Bender: God, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler.
Andrew: Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway?
Andrew: You know, Bender...you don't even count. I mean, if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.
(Bender is slightly upset at this but he doesn't want to show is so he pauses a moment before speaking.)
Bender: Well...I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.
(Andrew and Claire laugh at that.)
Bender: (to Claire) Maybe the prep club too! Student council...
Andrew: No, they wouldn't take you.
Bender: I'm hurt.
Claire: You know why guys like you knock everything...
Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire: It's 'cause you're afraid.
Bender: (with false enthusiasm) Oh, God! You richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities!
Claire: You're a big coward!
Brian: (to no one in particular) I'm in the math club.
Claire: See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it.
Bender: Well...it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it?
Claire: Well you wouldn't know...You don't even know any of us.
Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
Andrew: Hey let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian: I'm in the physics club too.
Bender: (to Claire) S'cuse me a sec...(to Brian) What are you babbling about?
Brian: Well, what I said was...I'm in the math club, the Latin club and the physics club...physics club.
Bender: (nods)(to Claire) Hey...Cherry...do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: That's an academic club.
Claire: So...academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: Oh, but to dorks like him...(points to Brian) ...they are. (to Brian) What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: In physics, um, we ah, we talk about physics...about properties of physics.
Bender: So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right?
Brian: Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean there are other kids in my club and uh, at the end of the year we have, um, you know, a big banquet, at the, uh, at the Hilton.
Bender: You load up, you party...
Brian: Well, no, we get dressed up...I mean, but, we don't...we don't get high.
Claire: (to Bender) Only burners like you get high.
Brian: And, uh, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin Kent...my cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana...He got high once and you know, he started eating like really weird foods. And uh, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. You know, kinda like, you know "Twilight Zone" kinda.
Claire: (laughs)(to Bender) Sounds like you.
Andrew: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here...I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.
Bender: (to Andrew) Oh and wouldn't that be a bite...(lets out a fake moan) Missing a whole wrestling meet!
Andrew: Well you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!
Bender: (with mock hurt) Oh, I know...I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys!
Andrew: Ahhh...you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.
Bender: Oh, but I do!
Bender: I wanna be just--like--you! I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!
Brian: (to Andrew) You wear tights?
Andrew: No I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform.
Andrew: (defensive) Shut up!
(They hear Vernon moving around out in the hall so Bender quickly comes and sits in the chair between Claire and Andrew. He folds his hands on the table. Vernon goes back into his office. Bender laughs and gets up. He starts walking towards the double doors that separate the library from the hallway.)
Brian: You know there's not supposed to be any monkey business!
Bender: (turns and points at Brian)(in a stern voice) Young man, have you finished your paper?
(Bender continues walking over to the door. He looks around cautiously and removes a screw from the door.)
Claire: What are you gonna do?
Andrew: Drop dead, I hope!
(Vernon gets a drink from a water fountain. He stands up and checks the way he looks in a glass reflection. He does a muscular pose and utters some manly jibberish.)
(Brian watches Bender mess with the Library door.)
Brian: Bender, that's, that's school property there...you know, it doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with.
(The door slams shut. Bender runs back to his seat.)
Andrew: That's very funny, come on, fix it!
Brian: You should really fix that!
Bender: Am I a genius?
Andrew: No, you're an asshole!
Bender: What a funny guy!
Andrew: Fix the door Bender!
Bender: Everyone just shhh!
(We see Vernon walking back to his office. He can hear them talking through the door.)
Bender: (os) I've been here before, I know what I'm doing!
Andrew: (os) No! Fix the door, get up there and fix it!
Bender: (os) (yells) Shut up!
(Brian is watching the Library door with wide eyes.)
Vernon: (os) God dammit!
(He opens the door and storms in.)
Vernon: Why is that door closed?
(No one says anything. They just stare at Vernon.)
Vernon: Why is that door closed?
Bender: How're we supposed to know? We're not supposed to move, right?
Vernon: (to Claire) Why?
Claire: We were just sitting here, like we were supposed to.
(Vernon looks around and looks at Bender.)
Vernon: Who closed that door?
Bender: I think a screw fell out of it.
Andrew: It just closed, sir.
Vernon: (to Allison) Who?
(Allison lets out a squeak and slams her face onto the table, hiding in her jacket hood.)
Bender: She doesn't talk, sir.
Vernon: (to Bender) Give me that screw.
Bender: I don't have it.
Vernon: You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
Bender: I don't have it...screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place.
Vernon: Give it to me, Bender.
Claire: Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?
Vernon: (to Claire) Watch it, young lady.
(Vernon goes over to the door and tries to hold it open by putting a folding chair in front of it.)
Bender: The door's way too heavy, sir.
(The door slams shut despite the chair.)
Vernon: (os) God dammit!
(They all laugh quietly at this. Vernon opens the door and comes back in.)
Vernon: (pointing) Andrew Clark...get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go.
(Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon.)
Bender: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
(Vernon and Andrew attempt to hold the door open by placing a large magazine rack in front of it.)
Vernon: Okay, now, watch the magazines!
Bender: It's out of my hands.
(They get the rack into position but it blocks the entire door.)
Bender: That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
Vernon: (thinks about that)(to Andrew) All right, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on!
Brian: You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.
(Brian points at them and Bender glares at him.)
Bender: (to Brian) Show Dick some respect!
(Vernon and Andrew walk back to the main part of the Library where everyone else is still seated.)
Vernon: (to Andrew) Let's go...go! Get back into your seat.
Vernon: (to Andrew) I expected a little more from a varsity letterman!
(Very subversively Andrew give Vernon the finger. Vernon doesn't catch it and keeps on talking.)
Vernon: (to Bender)You're not fooling anybody, Bender! The next screw that falls out is gonna be you!
(Vernon turns to leave.)
Bender: (under his breath) Eat my shorts.
(Vernon spins in his tracks and faces Bender again.)
Vernon: What was that?
Bender: (loudly) Eat my shorts!
Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!
Bender: Oh, I'm crushed.
Vernon: You just bought one more right there!
Bender: Well, I'm free the Saturday after that...beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar!
Vernon: Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled, we'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?
Vernon: I'm doing society a favor!
Vernon: That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
Vernon: You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal!
Claire: (to Bender) Cut it out! (She mouths the word "Stop".)
Vernon: You through?
Bender: Not even close, bud!
Vernon: Good! You got one more, right there!
Bender: Do you really think I give a shit?
Vernon: Another. (Bender glares at him.) You through?
Bender: How many is that?
Brian: That's seven including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Vernon: (to Bender) Now it's eight...(to Brian) You stay out of it!
Brian: Excuse me, sir, it's seven.
Vernon: Shut up, Peewee! (to Bender) You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha!
Bender: What can I say? I'm thrilled!
Vernon: Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. (to everyone) Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I have to come in here...I'm cracking skulls! (Bender mouths "I'm cracking skulls".)
(Vernon leaves and closes the door. The music builds to a climax as Bender screams.)
Bender: (screams) Fuck you!
(The clock reads 7:45. Bender sets his shoe on fire, and then lights a cigarette on his shoe. Claire is idly thinking. Brian seems to have a hard on or something because he keeps messing with his balls. Andrew is playing with the ties on the hood of his sweatshirt. Allison is tying a string around her finger and making the tip turn purple. Bender puts out the fire on his shoe. He then plays a little air guitar. Allison begins drawing on the table in front of her. Andrew plays a little paper football. When he scores a goal he cheers silently. Allison finishes her drawing. (it's very good) She shakes a little dandruff from her hair onto the picture. Everyone slowly falls asleep.)
(Vernon has come into the Library and sees that all of them are asleep.)
Vernon: Wake up! (no one moves) Who has to go to the lavatory? (all of them raise their hands)
(A little later.)
(The clock now reads 10:22.)
(Andrew is standing up stretching. Brian is standing by the front desk. Claire and Allison are still seated. Bender is sitting on the front desk tearing pages out of a book. He's just tossing them around.)
Andrew: That's real intelligent.
Bender: You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature...(he continues to tear pages out.) It's such fun to read...and, Molet really pumps my nads!
Claire: (pronouncing it correctly) Mol-yare.
Brian: I love his work.
(Bender tosses the rest of the pages at Brian. He picks up the card catalogue drawer and begins to mix up the cards so that they are out of order. )
Bender: Big deal...nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.
Andrew: Speak for yourself.
Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language!
Andrew: (to Claire) Hey, you grounded tonight?
Claire: (shrugs) I don't know, my mom said I was, but by dad told me to just blow her off.
Andrew: Big party at Stubbies, parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild.
Andrew: Yeah. Can you go?
Claire: I doubt it.
Andrew: How come?
Claire: Well 'cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it's because my father says it's okay. There's like this whole big monster deal, it's endless and it's a total drag. It's like any minute... divorce...
Bender: Who do you like better?
Bender: You like your old man better than your mom?
Claire: They're both screwed.
Bender: No, I mean, if you had to choose between them.
Claire: I dunno, I'd probably go live with my brother. I mean, I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me...it's like they use me just to get back at each other.
(Suddenly Allison speaks up.)
Allison: (loudly) Ha!!!
(Everyone looks at her shocked. Allison blows her hair out of her eyes and grins.)
Claire: Shut up!
Andrew: You're just feeling sorry for yourself.
Claire: Yeah, well if I didn't nobody else would.
Andrew: Aw...you're breaking my heart.
(Bender jumps down and walks over to stand next to Andrew.)
Bender: You get along with your parents?
Andrew: Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?
Bender: You're an idiot anyway...But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too!
(Bender turns and walks away from him. Andrew follows and pushes Bender.)
Andrew: You know something, man...If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you!
Bender: (Points his middle finger at the floor.) Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up? (Flips his hand around so he is now giving Andrew the bird.)
(Brian comes over and puts a hand on each of the guy's shoulders.)
Brian: Hey fellas, I mean...(Andrew pushes away from Brian.)...I don't like my parents either, I don't...I don't get along with them...their idea of parental compassion is just, you know, wacko!
(Bender turns to Brian.)
Bender: You are a parent's wet dream, okay?
(Bender starts to walk away.)
Brian: Well that's the problem!
Bender: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
Bender: I'm being honest, asshole! I would expect you...to know the difference!
Andrew: Yeah well, he's gotta name!
Andrew: Yeah, (to Brian) What's your name?
Bender: (to Brian) My condolences...
(Bender walks away.)
Claire: (to Bender) What's your name?
Bender: What's yours?
Claire: Claire...it's a family name!
Bender: Nooo...It's a fat girl's name!
Claire: (sarcastically) Well thank you.
Bender: You're welcome...
Claire: I'm not fat!
Bender: Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density! You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat...so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a couple of puppies and then, uh... (He mimes becoming fat, making noises.)
(Claire gives him the finger.)
Bender: Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!
Claire: I'm not that pristine.
(Bender bends down closer to Claire.)
Bender: Are you a virgin? (a beat) I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be a white wedding?
Claire: Why don't you just shut up?
Bender: Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? (a beat) Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire: Do you want me to puke?
Bender: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?
Andrew: Leave her alone!
(Bender slowly stands and faces Andrew.)
Andrew: I said leave her alone!
Bender: You gonna make me?
(Bender walks over to where Andrew is standing.)
Bender: You and how many of your friends?
Andrew: Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal!
(Bender goes to hit him but Andrew wrestles him to the ground without breaking a sweat.)
Bender: I don't wanna get into to this with you man...
(Andrew gets up.)
Andrew: Why not?
(Bender gets up.)
Bender: 'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple. I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.
Andrew: Chicken shit...
(As Andrew turns to go back to his seat Bender takes out a switchblade and opens it. Andrew turns to look at him and Bender stabs the switchblade into a chair. While he's not looking Allison takes the switchblade.)
Andrew: Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her...you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?
Bender: I was trying to help.
(Andrew goes and sits back down.)
(We see the janitor, Carl come into the room.)
Carl: Brian, how you doing?
Bender: Your dad work here?
(Brian is embarrassed.)
Bender: Uh, Carl?
Bender: Can I ask you a question?
Bender: How does one become a janitor?
Carl: You wanna be a janitor?
Bender: No I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here, is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts...
Carl: Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things. look through your letters. I look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. (Looks at the library clock) By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast!
(Everyone groans. Bender smiles.)
(The clock says 11:30. Vernon gets up and leaves.)
(Bender starts to whistle a marching tune and soon everybody joins in. Vernon enters and Bender begins to whistle Beethoven's 5th.)
Vernon: All right girls, that's thirty minutes for lunch.
Andrew: Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir!
Vernon: Well, I don't care what you think, Andrew!
Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich...will milk be made available to us?
Andrew: We're extremely thirsty, sir.
Claire: I have a very low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew: I've seen her dehydrated sir, it's pretty gross.
Bender: (gets up) Relax, I'll get it!
Vernon: Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub!
(Bender grins and sits down.)
Vernon: What do you think, I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls? (He points at Andrew.) You! (Andrew motions for him to pick Claire) (to Allison) And you! Hey! What's her name? Wake her! Wake her up! Come on, on your feet missy! Let's go! This is no rest home!(Allison gets up.) There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Lets go!
(Andrew and Allison are walking down the hall to the Teacher's Lounge.)
Andrew: So, what's your poison? (Allison doesn't answer.) What do you drink? (Allison still doesn't answer.) Okay...forget I asked...
(Allison waits for a minute before answering him.)
Andrew: Vodka? When do you drink vodka?
Andrew: A lot?
Allison: (grins) Tons...
Andrew: Is that why you're here today? (Allison doesn't answer.) Why are you here?
Allison: Why are YOU here?
(They stop walking and Andrew leans against the wall.)
Andrew: Um, I'm here today...because uh, because my coach and my father don't want me to blow my ride. See I get treated differently because uh, Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man. I'm not a winner because I wanna be one... I'm a winner because I got strength and speed. Kinda like a race horse. That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me.
Allison: Yeah? That's very interesting. Now why don't you tell me why you're really in here.
Andrew: Forget it!
(They continue walking.)
(Claire and Bender and Brian are all sitting around waiting for the soda's.)
Bender: Claire...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty...
Claire: No thank you...
Bender: How do you think he rides a bike?
(Claire rolls her eyes and turns away in disgust.)
Bender: Oh, Claire...would you ever consider dating a guy like this?
Claire: Can't you just leave me alone?
Bender: I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.
Claire: You know what I wish I was doing?
Bender: Op, watch what you say, Brian here is a cherry.
Claire: A cherry?
Claire: I wish I was on a plane to France.
Brian: I'm not a cherry.
Bender: (to Brian) When have you ever gotten laid?
Brian: I've laid, lots of times!
Bender: Name one!
Brian: She lives in Canada, met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.
Bender: Ever laid anyone around here.
(Brian shushes Bender and points at Claire who's not paying attention to them.)
Brian: Oh, you and Claire, did it!
(Claire spins around.)
Claire: What are you talking about?
Brian: (to Claire) Nothin', nothin! (to Bender) Let's just drop it, we'll talk about it later!
Claire: No! Drop what, what're you talking about?
Bender: Well, Brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagara Falls area, that presently you and he are, riding the hobby horse!
Claire: (to Brian) You pig!
Brian: No I'm not! I'm not! John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't, that's it, that's all that was said!
Bender: Well then what were you motioning to Claire for?
Claire: You know I don't appreciate this very much, Brian.
Brian: He is lying!
Bender: Oh you weren't motioning to Claire?
Brian: You know he's lying, right?
Bender: Were you or were you not motioning to Claire?
Brian: Yeah, but it was only...was only because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin, okay? (Bender just stares at him.) Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry...
Claire: Why didn't you want me to know you were a virgin?
Brian: Because it's personal business. It's my personal, private business.
Bender: Well Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business...
Claire: I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin...
(Bender looks surprised.)
Brian: You do?
(Claire smiles and nods and looks away. Brian gives Bender a look, and smiles.)
(Andrew and Allison are back with the soda's and everyone is getting their lunches out. Claire begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag.)
Bender: What's in there?
Claire: Guess. Where's your lunch?
Bender: You're wearing it.
Claire: You're nauseating.
(Bender grabs a Coke and tosses it over to Allison who catches it without even looking up from her Prince album. Bender then watches Claire set up a sushi platter.)
Bender: What's that?
Claire: Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.
(Both Bender and Andrew look disgusted at this.)
Bender: You won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that?
Claire: Can I eat?
Bender: I don't know...give it a try...
(Andrew's lunch is in a large brown grocery bag. He takes out a couple of sandwiches, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bag of cookies and a carton of milk. Bender and Claire look shocked. Allison opens her Coke and it fizzes over. She loudly slurps it up off the table and her fingers. Andrew sees Bender looking at him.)
Andrew: What's your problem?
(Allison opens her sandwich and tosses the meat away. It lands on the sculpture over her head. She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the sandwich and then puts Cap 'N Crunch on top of that. She crushes the sandwich together and loudly eats it, with all of the other watching her. Bender goes over and sits by Brian, Bender takes Brian's bag lunch.)
Bender: What're we having?
Brian: Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess.
(Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it.)
(Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand.)
Brian: That's apple juice.
Bender: I can read. PB & J with the crusts cut off...Well Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch, all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian: Uh, no, Mr. Johnson.
(Andrew and Claire smile at each other. Bender stands.)
Bender: Here's my impression of life at big Bri's house...(in a loud and fatherly type voice) Son! (in a kiddie voice) Yeah Dad? (loud) How's your day, pal? (kiddie) Great Dad, how's yours? (loud) Super, say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend? (kiddie) Great Dad, but I've got homework to do! (loud) That's alright son, you can do it, on the boat! (kiddie) Geee!!! (loud) Dear, isn't our son swell? (quiet and motherly) Yes Dear, isn't life swell?
(Bender mimes mother kissing father and then father kissing mother and then father punching mother in the face. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore.)
Andrew: Alright, what about your family?
Bender: Oh, mine? That's real easy!
(Bender stands again and points forward.)
Bender: (as his father) Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, big mouth, know it all, asshole, jerk! (as his mother) You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. (He slams his hand back to slap his invisible mother.)(as his father) Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie! (as himself) What about you Dad? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself--yelling) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father--yelling) Fuck you! (He reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him.)
Brian: Is that for real?
Bender: (to Brian) You wanna come over sometime?
Andrew: That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it.
(Bender actually looks hurt.)
Bender: You don't believe me?
Andrew: Did I stutter?
(Bender comes over to Andrew and rolls up his right sleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn.)
Bender: Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. (He begins to walk away.) See I don't think that I need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!
(He walks over to a map table and throws all the maps on the floor. He climbs up on top of the table and then up to the second floor balcony.)
Claire: (to Andrew) You shouldn't have said that!
Andrew: How would I know, I mean he lies about everything anyway!
(Vernon is eating his lunch. He puts an orange wedge into his mouth and then attempts to pour some coffee out of his thermos. The top comes off and coffee goes all over his desk.)
Vernon: Oh, shit!
(Vernon walks into the hallway, talking to himself.)
Vernon: Coffee...looks like they scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi river. Everything's polluted, everything's polluted...the coffee.
(Vernon continues to walk on, to get himself cleaned up.)
(Bender comes out of the library doors followed by everyone else. Bender and Claire are walking next to each other. Brian and Andrew are walking next to each other and at the end of the line, Allison is following.)
Claire: (to Bender) How do you know where Vernon went?
Bender: I don't.
Claire: Well then, how do you know when he'll be back?
Bender: I don't. Being bad feels pretty good, huh?
Brian: (to Andrew) What's the point in going to Bender's locker?
Andrew: Beats me.
Brian: This is so stupid. Why do you think, why are we risking getting caught?
Andrew: I dunno.
Brian: So then what are we doing?
Andrew: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you!
(Bender opens his locker.)
Bender: My maid's on vacation.
(Bender pulls out a bag of marijuana.)
Andrew: Screw that Bender...put it back!
(Bender walks away.)
Brian: Drugs...the boy had marijuana.
(Claire walks after Bender.)
Brian: That was marijuana!
Andrew: Shut up!
(Andrew follows the other two. Brian looks at Allison who is standing there with her mouth open.)
Brian: Do you approve of this?
(Allison doesn't say anything so Brian leaves to follow the others. Allison steals the lock of Bender's locker before following.)
(We see the crowd walking down the hall.)
Bender: We'll cross through the lab, and then we'll double back.
Andrew: You better be right, if Vernon cuts us off it's your fault, asshole!
Brian: (to Claire) What'd he say? Where're we going?
(They see Vernon down one of the halls, and they take off running the other direction. We see several different scenes of them trying to get back to the Library without being spotted by Vernon.)
Bender: Wait! Wait, hold it! Hold it! We have to go through the cafeteria!
Andrew: No, the activities hall.
Bender: Hey man, you don't know what you're talking about!
Andrew: No you don't know what you're talking about!
Andrew: Now we're through listening to you, we're going this way.
(They all go Andrew's way and run into a hall closed off by an iron gate.)
Bender: Great idea Jagoff!
Andrew: Fuck you!
Claire: (to Andrew) Fuck you! Why didn't you listen to John?
Brian: We're dead!
Bender: No, just me!
Brian: What do you mean?
Bender: Get back to the library, keep your unit on this!
(Bender puts his bag of marijuana into Brian's underwear. Bender runs away singing loudly.)
Bender: I wanna be an airborne ranger…
(We see Vernon hear Bender.)
(The rest of them run for it.)
Vernon: That son of a bitch!
(We see Vernon looking for Bender until he finds him in the gym. Bender is going up for a basket.)
(He dunks the ball. Vernon enters.)
Vernon: Bender! Bender! Bender! What is this? What are you doing here, what is this?
Bender: Oh, hi!
Vernon: Out! That's it Bender! Out, it's over!
Bender: Don't you wanna hear my excuse?
Bender: I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship.
Vernon: Gimmie the ball, Bender.
(Bender fakes the ball at Vernon. He then sets the ball down and rolls it at Vernon who kicks it back at him. They leave.)
(The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their seats when Bender and Vernon enter. Vernon pushes Bender.)
Vernon: Get your stuff, let's go! (to everyone) Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day.
Bender: (to Vernon) B-O-O H-O-O!
Vernon: Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they...What if your home, what if your family... (a beat)...what if your dope was on fire?
Bender: Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.
Vernon: (to Andrew) You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Let me tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. (to everybody)You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years! You'll see how God damned funny he is! (to Bender) What's the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let's go...
(Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder.)
Bender: Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick!
(Bender takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays them in front of Andrew.)
Bender: For better hallway vision!
(Bender leaves but not before pushing stuff over on his way out.)
(Vernon has put Bender in a closet and is in there talking to him.)
Vernon: That's the last time, Bender. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make $31,000 dollars a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you. But someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place... and they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life...I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt!
Bender: Are you threatening me?
Vernon: What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy. You're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy...come on, come on...get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now, how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just just one swing...
(Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes a punch and Bender flinches.)
Vernon: That's what I though...you're a gutless turd!
(Vernon leaves and locks the closet door after him. Bender climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and disappears.)
(Air Conditioning Duct)
(Bender is slowly crawling through an AC duct.)
Bender: (to himself) A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bar- tender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
(The ceiling under Bender gives and he falls through.)
Bender: (screaming) Oh shit!!!!
(We see the door to the bathroom. We hear Vernon inside.)
Vernon: (OS) Jesus Christ, all mighty!
(Bender walks down the stairs.)
Bender: I forgot my pencil...
(We can hear Vernon in the hall. Bender hides.)
Vernon: (OS) God damnit! What in God's name is going on in here? (enters) What was that ruckus?
Andrew: Uh, what ruckus?
Vernon: I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus!
Brian: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
Vernon: Watch your tongue young man, watch it!
(We see Bender under the table by Claire's legs. He sits up and bangs his head on the table. He groans. Above the table, Andrew and Claire try to take credit for the noise by making more noise.)
Vernon: What is that? What, what is that, what is that noise?
(Under the table, Bender looks between Claire's legs and can see her panties. He puts his head between Claire's legs.)
Andrew: What noise?
Claire: Really, sir, there wasn't any noise...
(Claire squeals. She squeezes Bender's head between her knees. Everyone starts faking a coughing fit.)
Claire: (flustered) That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about?
Vernon: No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will.
Vernon: You make book on that missy! (to Claire) And you! I will not be made a fool of!
(He turns and walks away. We see that he still has the toilet seat cover stuck to his pants. Vernon leaves.)
(Everyone laughs except Claire who lets Bender out to a barrage of slaps.)
Bender: It was an accident!
Claire: You're an asshole!
Bender: So sue me...
(Bender gets up and walks over to Brian.)
Bender: So, Ahab...Can I bum my doobage?
(Brian unzips his fly and gives Bender his bag of marijuana. Bender takes the bag with his fingertips and walks away.)
Andrew: Yo waistoid...you're not gonna blaze up in here!
(Claire gets up and goes after him. Then Brian.)
(We see Vernon go down the stairs.)
(Brian, Bender and Claire are sitting in a circle and laughing hysterically. Bender lights Claire up and she coughs the smoke out. Brian laughs at her. He exhales and tries to eat the smoke. He talks in the same weird voice he uses in 'Weird Science' when he gets drunk.)
Brian: Chicks, cannot hold they smoke! That's what it is!
Claire: Do you know how popular I am? I'm so popular. Everybody loves me so much, at this school...
Bender: Poor baby.
(Brian waves Claire over to him and he falls over. Andrew comes out of a very smoky room. He takes another drag and then starts dancing. The others begin applauding. He goes back in the room he was in. He screams and it shatters the glass in the door.)
(School File Room)
(Vernon is glancing through the confidential files in the school basement.)
Vernon: (to himself) Mister, oh mister Tearney...a history of slight mental illness? Wooh, no wonder he's so fucked up!
Carl: Afternoon, Dick...
Vernon: Hey Carl, how you doin'?
Vernon: Good, what's up?
Carl: Not much, what's happening. What are you doing in the basement files?
Vernon: Oh, nothin' nothin' here. I'm just doin' a little homework here.
Carl: Homework, huh?
(Carl, laughing, comes over and looks at the files that Vernon was looking at.)
Carl: Confidential files...hmmm?
Vernon: Look, Carl...this is a highly sensitive area and I, I tell you something...certain people would be very, very embarrassed. I would really appreciate it if this would be something that, that you and I could keep between us.
Carl: What're you gonna do for me, man?
Vernon: Well, well what would you like?
Carl: Got fifty bucks?
Carl: Fifty bucks.
(Brian and Andrew are laughing. Allison is watching them.)
Andrew: No no man, no. You got a middle name?
Brian: Yeah, guess.
(Allison suddenly goes to sit down next to them.)
Allison: Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke.
(Brian and Andrew look at her in confusion.)
Allison: Your birthday is March 12th, you're five-nine and a half you weigh a hundred and thirty pounds and your social security number is 049-38-0913.
(Andrew is impressed.)
Andrew: Wow! Are you psychic?
Brian: Well would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
(Allison reaches in her bag and pulls out his wallet.)
Allison: I stole your wallet.
Brian: Give it to me.
Brian: Give it!
(Allison reluctantly hands over the wallet and Brian glances through it to make sure nothing is missing.)
Brian: This is great...you're a thief too! Huh?
Allison: I'm not a thief!
Allison: What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot!
Andrew: A what?
Allison: He's got a nudie picture in there! I saw it, it's perverted!
Andrew: Alright, let's see it!
(Bender is brushing his teeth with one of Claire's cosmetic brushes. Claire is looking through Bender's wallet pictures.)
Claire: Are all these your girlfriends?
Bender: Some of them.
Claire: What about the others?
Bender: Well, some I consider my girlfriends and some...I just consider…
Claire: Consider what?
Bender: Whether or not, I wanna hang out with them.
Claire: You don't believe in just one guy, one girl?
Bender: Do you?
Claire: Yeah...that's the way it should be.
Bender: Well, not for me.
Claire: Why not?
(Bender clearly doesn't want to answer that. He acts defensive.)
Bender: How come you got so much shit in your purse?
Claire: How come you got so many girlfriends?
Bender: I asked you first.
Claire: (shrugs) I dunno...I guess I never throw anything away.
Bender: (smiles) Neither do I.
(We cut back to where Andrew, Brian and Allison are sitting, Andrew is looking through Brian's wallet.)
Andrew: This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen.
Andrew: Do you realize you made yourself sixty eight?
Brian: Oh, I know...I know, I goofed it.
Andrew: What do you need a fake ID for?
Brian: (like it's obvious) So I can vote!
(Allison looks up suddenly.)
Allison: You wanna see what's in my bag?
Brian & Andrew: No!
(Allison looks ticked. Just to spite them, she dumps the contents of her bag onto the couch.)
Andrew: Holy shit! What is all that stuff?
Brian: Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?
Allison: Yeah...I always carry this much shit in my bag. You never know when you may have to jam.
Brian: Are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You know like, sit in alleyways and like talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing?
Allison: I'll do what I have to do.
Brian: Why do you have to do anything?
Allison: (with feeling) My home life is unsatisfying.
Brian: So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of these Chicago streets because your home life is unsatisfying?
Allison: I don't have to run away and live in the street...I can run away and, go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan.
(Brian looks at her like she's nuts. Then he turns to Andrew.)
Brian: Andy...you wanna get in on this? Allison here says, she wants to run away, because her home life is unsatisfying.
Andrew: Well everyone's home lives are unsatisfying...If it wasn't, people would live with there parents forever.
Brian: Yeah, yeah I understand. But I think that hers goes beyond, you know, what guys like you and me...consider normal unsatisfying.
Allison: Nevermind...forget it, everything's cool!
(Allison starts putting everything back in her purse.)
Andrew: What's the deal?
Allison: No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone.
Andrew: Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away.
Allison: Eat shit!
(Allison gets up and walks away.)
Brian: The girl is an island, with herself. Okay?
(Andrew gets up and goes over to her.)
Andrew: Hi, you wanna talk?
Andrew: Why not?
Allison: Go away.
Andrew: Where do you want me to go?
Allison: GO away!
(Andrew turns away.)
Allison: You have problems.
Andrew: (turns back around) Oh, I have problems?
Allison: You do everything everybody ever tells you to do, that is a problem!
Andrew: Okay, fine...but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite people into my problems...Did I? So what's wrong? What is it? Is is bad? Real bad? Parents?
Andrew: What do they do to you?
Allison: They ignore me...
(School File Room)
(Vernon and Carl are sitting talking.)
Vernon: What did you want to be when you were young?
Carl: When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.
Vernon: Carl don't be a goof! I'm trying to make a serious point here...I've been teaching, for twenty two years, and each year...these kids get more and more arrogant.
Carl: Aw bull shit, man. Come on Vern, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off...and then you found out it was actually work...and that really bummed you out.
Vernon: These kids turned on me...they think I'm a big fuckin' joke.
Carl: Come on...listen Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh?
Vernon: Hey...Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?
Carl: Yes I do.
Vernon: You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be running the country.
Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.
Carl: I wouldn't count on it!
(Vernon ponders that statement for a moment.)
(The gang are all sitting around in a circle on the floor.)
Andrew: What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to.
Claire: That's boring.
Andrew: Well, how am I supposed to answer?
Claire: The idea is to like search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school naked?
Andrew: (laughs) Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car?
Claire: Of course.
Andrew: In the spring, or winter?
Claire: It doesn't matter...spring.
Andrew: In front of the school or in back of the school?
Claire: Either one.
Allison: I'd do that! (Everyone turns to look at her.) I'll do anything sexual, I don't need a million dollars to do it either.
Claire: You're lying.
Allison: I already have...I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal...I'm a nymphomaniac!
(Claire rolls her eyes.)
Brian: Are your parents aware of this?
Allison: The only person I told was my shrink.
Andrew: And what'd he do when you told him?
Allison: He nailed me.
Claire: Very nice.
Allison: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him.
Claire: He's an adult!
Allison: Yeah...he's married too!
Claire: Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison: Well, the first few times...
Claire: First few times? You mean he did it more than once?
Claire: Are you crazy?
Brian: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink.
Allison: (to Claire) Have you ever done it?
Claire: I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Allison: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire: Now, didn't we already cover this?
Bender: You never answered the question.
Claire: Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.
Allison: It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Claire: A what?
Allison: Well, if you say you haven't... you're a prude. If you say you have...you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Allison: Or, are you a tease?
Andrew: She's a tease...
Claire: Oh why don't you just forget it.
Andrew: You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!
Bender: (to Andrew) She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot...
Claire: I don't do anything!
Allison: That's why you're a tease.
Claire: Okay, let me ask you a few questions.
Allison: (defensive) I've already told you everything!
Claire: No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean don't you want any respect?
Allison: I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me.
Claire: Not the only difference, I hope.
Bender: Face it, you're a tease.
Claire: I'm not a tease!
Bender: Sure you are! You said it yourself sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect!
Claire: No, I never said that, she twisted my words around.
Bender: Oh then what do you use it for?
Claire: I don't use it period!
(Claire is on the verge of tears.)
Bender: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
Claire: I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!
Bender: Well if you'd just answer the question...
Brian: Why don't you just answer the question?
Andrew: Be honest...
Bender: No big deal...
Brian: Yeah, answer it!
Andrew: Answer the question, Claire!
Bender: Talk to us!
Andrew & Brian: Come on, answer the question!
Bender: It's easy, it's only one question!
Claire: (screaming) No! I never did it!
Allison: I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar.
Claire: You are such a bitch! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over!
Allison: I would do it though. If you love someone it's okay.
(Andrew smiles at that.)
Claire: I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over me!
Andrew: You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to.
Claire: Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre.
Andrew: What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.
Claire: (to Andrew) How are you bizarre?
(Allison decides to field that question.)
Allison: He can't think for himself.
Andrew: She's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? (they shake their heads 'no'.) I taped Larry Lester's buns together.
Brian: (to Andrew) That was you?
Andrew: (to Brian) Yeah, you know him?
Brian: Yeah, I know him.
Andrew: Well then you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too...
Claire: Oh my God...
Andrew: And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda... he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sitting in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry having to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...fucking humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean, (he's crying) I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I fucking hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.
Bender: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
(Andrew laughs briefly.)
Brian: It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
Claire: What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?
Brian: 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it and we're supposed to, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was supposed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average.
Bender: Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Brian: Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
Bender: I take shop...you must be a fuckin' idiot!
Brian: I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?
Bender: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp...
Brian: What do you know about Trigonometry?
Bender: I could care less about Trigonometry.
Brian: Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?
Bender: Without lamps, there'd be no light!
Claire: Okay so neither one of you is any better than the other one.
Allison: I can write with my toes! I can also eat, brush my teeth.
Claire: With your feet?
Allison: ...play Heart & Soul on the piano.
Brian: I can make spaghetti!
Claire: (to Andrew) What can you do?
Andrew: I can...uh...tape all your buns together.
Bender: I wanna see what Claire can do!
Claire: I can't do anything.
Bender: Now, everybody can do something.
Claire: There's one thing I can do, no forget it, it's way too embarrassing.
Bender: Have you ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years.
Claire: Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh. I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
(Claire takes lipstick out and opens it. She places it between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage. When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect. Everyone claps. Bender's clap is sarcastic and slow.)
Andrew: All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that?
Claire: Camp, seventh grade.
Bender: That was great, Claire...my image of you is totally blown.
Allison: You're a shit! Don't do that to her. You swore to God you wouldn't laugh!
Bender: Am I laughing?
Andrew: You fucking prick!
(Bender turns to Andrew. As he speaks, we can see his words hitting home.)
Bender: What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? (he turns to Claire) And you...don't like me anyway!
Claire: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them!
Bender: God, you're so pathetic! (furious) Don't you ever...ever! Compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire.
Claire: (quietly) Shut up...
Bender: Are those real diamonds, Claire?
Claire: (angry) Shut up!
Bender: I bet they are...did you work, for the money for those earrings?
Claire: Shut your mouth!!
Bender: Or did your daddy buy those?
Claire: (furious) Shut up! (starts crying)
Bender: I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?
Andrew: My God, are we gonna be like our parents?
Claire: Not me...ever...
Allison: It's unavoidable, it just happens.
Claire: What happens?
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
Bender: Who cares?
(Allison is on the verge of tears herself.)
Allison: I care...
Brian: Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I?
Brian: So, so on Monday...what happens?
Claire: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
Claire: Do you want the truth?
Brian: Yeah, I want the truth.
Claire: I don't think so.
Allison: With all of us or just John?
Claire: With all of you.
Andrew: That's a real nice attitude, Claire!
Claire: Oh, be honest, Andy. If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!
Andrew: No way!
Allison: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?
Claire: Same exact thing!
Bender: (furious and yelling at Claire) You are a bitch!
Claire: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
Bender: No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
Claire: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter? What about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Bender: (furious once again) Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the Caribbean!
Claire: (furious and crying) Shut up!
Bender: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom!
Claire: I hate you!
Bender: Yeah? Good!
(There is silence until Brian speaks.)
Brian: Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos... (to Allison) Do you, would you do that to me?
Allison: I don't have any friends.
Brian: Well if you did?
Allison: No. I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind.
Brian: I just wanna tell, each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty.
Claire: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.
(Brian laughs at her.)
Brian: You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that?
Claire: (crying again) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!
Brian: Then why do you do it?
Claire: I don't know, I don't...you don't understand, you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!
(Brian is shocked.)
Brian: I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well fuck you! Fuck you!
(They are all shocked at his outburst. Brian hides his head in his arm because he is crying.)
Brian: Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in my locker.
Andrew: Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
Brian: I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's supposed to go on...and it didn't go on. I mean, I…
Andrew: What's the gun for Brian?
Brian: Just forget it.
Andrew: You brought it up, man!
Brian: I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it! Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me!
Claire: (with pity) Oh Brian…
Brian: So I considered my options, you know?
Claire: No! Killing yourself is not an option!
Brian: Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!
Allison: It was a hand gun?
Brian: No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker.
(Andrew starts to laugh.)
Brian: It's not funny...
(They all start to laugh, including Brian.)
Brian: Yes it is. Fuckin' elephant was destroyed!
Allison: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do.
Allison: You're laughing at me.
Allison: (laughing) Yeah you are!
(Brian is putting on a record, and then the music starts. Through the duration of the song we see them all dancing.)
(Air Conditioning Duct)
(Bender is crawling through the AC duct heading for the closet.)
(Andrew, Allison, Claire and Brian are sitting, in that order on the railing.)
Claire: Are you gonna write your paper?
Brian: Yeah, why?
Claire: Well, it's kinda a waste for all of us to write our paper, don't you think?
Brian: Oh, but that's what Vernon wants us to do.
Claire: True, but I think we'd all kinda say the same thing.
Brian: You just don't want to write your paper...Right?
Claire: True, but, you're the smartest, right?
Brian: (with pride) Oh, well.
Claire: We trust you.
(Brian glances over at Allison and Andrew who nod in approval.)
Brian: All right, I'll do it.
(Claire looks at Allison who looks back.)
Claire: (to Allison) Come on.
Allison: Where're we going?
Claire: Come on!
(Side Room in Library)
(We see Claire putting eye make-up on Allison.)
Claire: Don't be afraid.
Allison: Don't stick that in my eye!
Claire: I'm not sticking it, just close... just go like that...(Claire closes her eyes. Allison mimics her.) Good...(Claire puts the make-up on her and Allison squeals.) You know you really do look a lot better without all that black shit on your eyes.
Allison: Hey...I like that black shit.
Claire: This looks a lot better...look up.
(We see Brian thinking about what he's going to write.)
(We see Andrew just thinking.)
(We see Allison and Claire again. Claire is still putting make-up on Allison.)
Allison: Please, why're you being so nice to me?
Claire: 'Cause you're letting me.
(We see Brian begin to write.)
(We see Andrew, still deep in thought.)
(We see Bender, in the closet once again. Claire opens the door and enters.)
Bender: You lost?
(Claire stares at him.)
(Brian is busily preparing the essay. Andrew looks up and sees the newly made over Allison and is surprised. Allison walks towards him and stops when she notices Brian staring at her with his mouth open. She glares at him.)
Allison: (smiling) Thank you!
(Claire kisses Bender on his neck then she pulls back.)
Bender: Why'd you do that?
Claire: 'Cause I knew you wouldn't.
Bender: You know how you said before, how your parents used you to get back at each other...wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?
Claire: Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick?
(Bender nods and speaks at the same time.)
(Brian has finished writing the paper. He lifts it up and kisses it. Andrew and Allison are in the back of the Library.)
Andrew: What happened to you?
Allison: Why? Claire did it! What's wrong?
Andrew: Nothing's wrong, it's just so different. I can see your face.
Allison: Is that good or bad?
Andrew: (laughing) It's good!
(Brian laughs and gives himself a congratulatory punch in the arm.)
(The day is over and the five of them are walking down the hall towards the exit. They pass by Carl on the way. Brian nods at him.)
Carl: See ya Brian...
Brian: Hey Carl...
Bender: (to Carl) See you next Saturday.
Carl: You bet!
(Brian's dad is waiting for him. Brian gets into the car and they leave. Allison and Andrew kiss. Allison tears one of Andrew's patches off his jacket and then she gets into her mother's car. Andrew's dad drives up, and looks back and forth between Andrew and Allison. Andrew gets in the car and they drive off. Claire and Bender are standing just beside Claire's father's car. Claire takes out one of her diamond earrings and puts it in Bender's hand. They kiss and she gets into the car. She leaves. Bender puts the earring in his ear.)
(Vernon picks up Brian's essay and begins to read.)
Brian: (VO) Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.
(We see Bender walking towards us as Brian's monologue continues.)
Brian: (VO)(cont.) But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
Andrew: (VO)...and an athlete...
Allison: (VO)...and a basket case...
Claire: (VO)...a princess...
Bender: (VO)...and a criminal...
Brian: (VO) Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
(Bender is walking across the football field as he thrusts his fist into the air in a silent cheer and freezes there.)