As I walk into someone's house who shall remain nameless, I notice a big dust covered fan blowing. Ya see, this was a special fan. It had no protective grate on it's front so anyone or anything that dared walk near it could easily be sucked in and a blood bath would ensue. Not exactly a good thing to have around when you have 47 kids running around the house. At any rate, as i sat there staring at this marvel of a fan, I noticed an ever so cute little kitty approach it. It sat there bobbing it's head back and forth in utter amazement for a bit then got the bright idea to um, attempt to step inside the fan. What ensued is easily one of the funniest things II have ever been privy to. Kitty sirloin thrown all over the house?? Nah, even better. The retarded kitty gets sucked into the fan and in one fell swoop, slammed into the back corner of the fan. It sat there, dazed, apparently having no clue what had just happened, huddled in a very small corner, safely, at the back of the fan. The retarded kitty then get it's bearings and sticks it's head out toward the open grate. WHACK!!! The cute lil son uva bitch got fucking cracked on the skull by a fan blade, knocked out cold. I wondered why it was that Twice now I didn't have kitty meat tossed my way. Hmmmmm, indeed.
I live on this clown forsaken road in the middle of nowhere. Cows, sheep, and horses galore. One day, bored out of my fucking mind, I decide to walk farther down this road. I pass cow after cow, after cow. Then I come upon a smaller fenced off field like section. Hmmmm....what do we have here? EEK!! it was Llama of death. This sinister Llama stalked me, growling at me, wanting to rend the flesh from my bones. It just kept looking at me and pacing, making some scary noise I suppose only Llamas can make. it was then I wondered, why the fuck would someone have a Llama? I mean cows, sheep, chickens, pigs, and the sort all have various purposes, but what exactly does one do with a Llama? You don't eat a Llama. Hmmmm, I think a Llama is 2 evil to ride on. Um, Llamas aren't cute either. They just sit there, growling and looking like a retarded camel. Fucking scary Llamas...
For those of you who don't know, Im a MALLRAT. Yes, at the ripe ol age of 24, I am still mallratting. To mallrat in WV, however, it not exactly a good thing. Ya see, every mall in WV sux ass. Kind of a mute point to mallrat when there are no decent malls to hit. But this is my calling in life so.... At any rate, i decided to head to NC last weekend and journey to the "4 Season's Towncenter" Now this is a fucking mall. 4 stories, each floor bigger than the largest entire mall in sad little WV. In I walk and nearly faint from the power of this almighty holy structure. I could fill an entire story about the food court alone, but I won't. It was then I noticed my surroundings. It was a literal sea of kokujin. Everywhere they were. ( Yes oh great Nobi, I am aware that I probably used the wrong form of the word) Ack, nothing but straight up kokujin(s) everywhere. It was then the fear started to drain from me. I was invisible to them. I could not be seen. Finally, I was able to watch them in their natural environment, without disturbing them. To be invisible is a great thing. I was able to mock them in my loudest most obnoxious voice and nary a glance was showered my way. It was soon after that, I noticed a shocking trend. 90% of them were wearing fucking lamp shades on their head. Uhhhhhhh.... someone please explain this to me. I am not being sarcastic, literal lamp shades they were. Now living in WV, we don't get the latest "trends" til years after ppl elsewhere stop doing said trend. Could this be the natural progression of the pick in hair? I needed answers fast. There was but one highly trained group who get me the answers my very soul depended on getting. THE BLOODHOUND GANG. No, not the highly amusing group, but the bloodhound gang from the late PBS hit show, "3,2,1, contact" After contacting Maury Povich to find the where-abouts of said detective group, I was disheartened to learn 3,2,1, contact had been canceled 13 years ago. Saddened, I headed up to food court and entered "the malt shop" why who's this I see? It would be Scooby and the gang....
I watched in utter amazement as there sat Shaggy smoking "the pot". As Shaggy Casum started jibbering something about a "Top 40 Countdown" and read a dedication letter, Scooby stole his sub-sandwhich and scarfed it in one gulp. (nice to see some things never change) I saw Velma making out with ROD BECKELHEIMER inna dark corner. I watched in awe as Fred and his orange hanky around his neck got it on the dance floor with Don Knots and the Harlem Globe Trotters. I was saddened to hear Daphne had committed suicide the previous year after Fred went on Jerry Springer and told the world he had been having an affair with Scrappy. Where was that annoying lil bastard Scrappy anyways? I needed only look to the neaest table and saw Scrapy picking a fight with a gay biker. I quickly grabbed Scrappy and headed to the back, to prepare Shaggy Casum a special sub-sandwhich. (heh, let Scooby steal this one) It was time to leave the malt shop behind and head over to "Umi of JAPAN" for some food and stuff.
I arrive just in time to see the most kawaii nihonjin onnanoko I have ever layed eyes on. (forvive my butchering of the language once more oh great Nobi) I was in awe. She came up to me to offer me some free food I can't spell nor pronounce and as she tried to make small talk, i was frozen with a bad case of being retarded. Icould not open my mouth. here was an absolute GODDESS of japanese persuasion trying to make conversation with me, and I couldn't talk. 4 times she approached me at different time while i roamed the food court and 4 times my mouth would not open. This cannot happen to one as great as I, that is unless there is a dark outside interferance. It was then I decided to cut my losses and head back home to get answers from the only person who could help. I got home just after midnite, and sat in the dark chanting the Blue's Clues theme in hopes of summoning one " CLARRISSA THE TEENAGE WITCH." After so many hours of chanting, there remained no answer to my calling. Puzzled and somewhat disheartened, I decided to pay Clarrissa a visit. It would be a dangerous treck fraught with peril at every turn..um, O.K. so Clarrissa actually lives in a doublewide trailor on Farley cactus hedge road. Let us not forget this is west virginia afterall, even witches have to make cutbacks now and again. I arrived and entered Clarrissa's room. Upon entering, I immediately noticed the destruction of the room. Manson and TugBoat pix tossed everywhere. Unclean crusty socks tossed out in plain view for mother to find. And then i saw the source of Clarrissa's power shattered on the floor next to the Dreamcast...Clarrissa's 2 golden cauldron's lay in shambles on the floor. O.K. to be honest they aren't exactly cauldrons but 2 statue like piggy banks: one of a matador in overly tight pants, and the other of the late great yoda. The great scooby mystery had just gotten more complicated....
I searched the room over for a clue. All I could find that didn't seem to belong were a blue paw print on a handy dandy lookin notebook and a few dead bees scattering the floor. Suddenly a head of lettuce came crashing through the window. Startled but still aware of my surrounding I held up the crunchy lettuce head. Upon further inspection I noted that this was no ordinary lettuce, but a rare breed of cabbage to be exact. There was a note attached which read "tryddydkfklolololoburp, outside am I" Well, perhaps I was wanted outside. so out I went. Fuck!! I didn't have time for this shit. Outside was a muddy truck blaring sir-mix-a-lot's baby got back" with 3 members of the SHADY MULLET RIDERS gang. The leader muttered something about long haired hippies and me getting my but kicked by the "son of HANK" The smallest of "the gang" attacked 1st. Well he didn't actually attack but just stood there saying (over and over I might add) "c'mon hit may yasonbitch" Gouki (um yes that would be me) lept into the air and came down with a thunderous double strong punch, linked a standing jab, two low short kicks, a sweep, and two-in-oned into a one-hit knock down tatsu-maki-senpu-kyaku. "3 HIT COMBO" suddenly flashed across the sky. What the fuck??? that was at least 7-hits I grumbled....Mullet rider 2 turned to run for the safety of FAT DADDY's roadhouse. It was just Mullet King and I. He lunged at me, clearly going for the dreaded "headlock of boredom" which I eaily evaded, side-stepping and watching the Mullet hit a tree. Suddenly a crazy japanese guy pops out of nowhere playing some wierd saxaphone thingy I recall heaing during some random anime fight sequences. It was now time to finish this. I stepped back to power up....the sax music got louder...I stood there charging up for what seemed like the entire length of a DBZ episode. The mullet was charging again. "KAIO-KEN ATACK" It was over...I walked over to the near lifeless mullet. "Where's Clarrissa?" I asked. His last words before he died were, "keep friends..those you love..." and then he died.
I found a set of hotel matches in his faded, sleevless jean jacket, secret inside pocket. There was an address written inside the read, "Warehouse full of Boxes, 206 Shipping Dock Lane, Grandview WV 25813." This would be my next destination....
I arrive and enter the warehouse full of boxes. The sound of buzzing bees is near deafening. Laughter erupts from somewhere above me. The sound of buzzing bees gets louder and louder, and then stops. Suddenly a dark haired visage steps from the shadows...From all accounts this looks to be Clarissa but something is different. where once flowing golden locks um, flowed was now a dyed black mullet of death. A white plumed dress shirts had replaced the glowing thundercats shirt, and holy faded skin tight jeans in the place of baggy jinko thingies. Clarissa launches into a flurry of standing punches, then gets on the ground and starts to perform the eddy gordo dance of death. I fel my legs knocked out from beneath me as i crash to the floor. This dark Clarrissa has apparently mastered the art of drunken tekken button mashing. There is but one thing to do....I launch into the air in attempt to finish him off with the almighty jump spin kick thingy. I am quickly knocked back to the ground as an unearthly laughter fills the air. "I have seen all the warehouse full of boxes movies my dear gouki, you must try harder than that...."
I wasn't expecting that....sheesh. I stand with one leg and both arms raised in the air to attempt the dreaded crane kick. "you foolish gouki, I too, have seen the karate kid, your efforts are futile" It seemed Clarrissa knew my every move. A flurry of standing punches sent me crashing into a pile of empty boxes. I was defeated. There was no winning against this master of drunken tekken button mashing. My 2d ninja skills had grown old and weak. Everything started to go dim as I accepted my demise. Then I heard it, faint at 1st, but growing all the while louder. It was that awesome saxaphone solo again. I felt my strength return. I arose and decided a different tactic. I would incorporate WWF attitude/warzone waving hands of trance into my deadly 2d fighting style. Everything Clarrissa attempted was nullified by the waving hands of trance. Now was my chance....I hurled the lettuce that was a cabbage at Clarrissa's chest. A direct hit! I watched in mock horror as gay Russian commercials danced from his chest, followed by the yeast infected caked on shit burnt flesh of one scott cruise wafted from Clarrissa's fallen body. The mullet and hair dye was gone and I knew the tale was a frog. They say when you see men sleep you know what true love is. On this day I could sleep with a ferret and be a man.
Finally the sstory has ended. Um, yay and stuff...
Alink I guess.
