“On Our Own”
Episode Thirty-Three (#1T33)
The Gang Tricks Benji
Written by Joe Termine
Scene One:
“Just For the Fun of It”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The
Gang
Joe: Hey
everybody.
John [shouting]:
Joe, you need to open the door first.
[ Joe walks in
through the door]
Joe: You heard
me, didn't you?
Katie: Heard
what?
Joe: Do I need
to go outside again?
John: NO!! Joe, it’s okay.
James: Where
were you anyway Joe?
Joe: I went to…
Katie: I went to
the bathroom!!
John: Thank you
for that thrilling and grossly not needed tidbit, but we were talking to Joe.
Katie: Oh, I see
when I’m not wanted.
John: What’s
wrong with her?
James: It’s her
time of the month.
Joe: 7:30? That's funny, I thought we had those
everyday.
John: No Joe,
it’s a female thing. [he looks happy with himself]
James: Actually
you’re both wrong. John more wrong than
Joe.
John: Don't you
mean Joe more than me?
James: No, that
is why I got you guys those hats, so I don't forget who I’m talking about.
[Each hat has
the wrong name on it]
John: This is a
real change of events, Joe being righter than me.
Joe [confident]:
I think you mean the opposite of less righter…thank you very much [shines
fingernails on his shirt]
James: Okay,
back to what I was saying. It is her
time of the month not for either of your reasons, the reason is because it is
play a joke on anyone with a B or K day.
Joe: Then why is
Millie mad?
John and James:
Millie?
Joe: That's what
it says on the hat she’s wearing.
James: Well we
have to make sure to be extra nice to her.
I was thinking of playing a joke on Benji instead.
[Everyone
laughs]
Katie: You guys
better not be laughing at me.
Joe: Don't worry
Millie, we aren't.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“And So It Is Done”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The
Guys, Benji
Joe: So, this
plan. Does it involve us actually
haven’t to make physical contact with Benji?
John: No.
James: Um, John,
it is my plan.
Joe: Geez John,
you are stepping in on everybody’s thunder today?
John: I was
wondering why my hair kept standing up and all I smelled was toast.
James: Well as I
was saying, we don’t need to touch him.
Joe: No, I meant
like any physical contact like looking or smelling him.
James
[laughing]: Joe, I don’t think Benji smells.
[ Just as James
goes to knock on the door a powerful order comes from under Benji’s door]
Joe: See, told
you.
[The door opens
and Benji is standing in a giant pink and purple muumuu]
Benji: Can I
help you guys? I’m in the middle of a
big talking to with my babies.
James: And why
are you in a dress?
Benji: Muumuu,
and it is to give me confidence. They
have power over me.
Joe: That’s
kinda funny. No one’s animals have
control over them
[ Joe, John and
James look at the cats]
Joe: I feel like
I want to do things for them [sneezes]
James: I need to
buy 100 dead mice.
John: And what
is with the colors of the muumuu? At
least look halfway manly.
Benji: The gaze
didn’t work on you?
John: When
you’ve seen one hypno-glare, you have seen them all.
[ John slaps Joe
and James]
James: Thanks, I
needed that.
Joe: Wow, that
was weird, I felt like [ John slaps him again] Ouch, what the hell was that
for?
John: Sorry, I
was just kinda peeved that you were more right then me.
Joe:
Understandable.
John: What’s the
plan again.
James: Oops, I
knew I forgot something. Benji, could
you go back inside? We have to plan
against you.
Benji: Can
do. [he closes the door]
[the three guys
huddle and talk]
Benji [pops back
out ]: Wait, did you say…
Joe: Back inside
Benji.
Benji: Okay.
Scene Three:
“He Will Never See It Coming”
Location: The Hallway Between Penthouses
Characters: The
Guys, Benji
[The huddle
breaks up]
Joe: Okay, so we
have decided on whose plan?
John: I think
yours.
Joe [shaking
John]: THINK THINK!!
James: Wow, calm
down Joe, it’s just a little prank.
Joe: I know, I
just wanted to get him back for slapping me twice.
[They knock on the
door again]
Benji [with
curlers in his hair]: Hello.
[The three guys
are smiling]
Joe: Those for
confidence?
Benji: No I just
wanted to look pretty.
James: For who?
Benji: Wouldn’t
you like to know?
James: Not
really.
Joe: Me either.
John: I’m
kinda…[ Joe and James stare at him coldly]…I mean me either.
Benji: Well,
what did you guys need?
Joe: Oh yeah,
you guys ready. [both guys shake their
head yes] … 1… 2… 3…
All Three
[shouting]: YOUR SHOES ARE UNTIED!!
[They run in
their penthouse]
Joe [feverishly
giggling]: Did you see the look on his face?
James: You guys
did realize he was wearing sandals right?
John: Are you
serious?
Joe: Great,
there goes my plan.
[screaming is
heard outside]
Joe: Or maybe
not.
[Benji is trying
to tie his sandals in vain grabbing at nonexistent laces]
James: Hey it
actually worked!
Joe: Were you
doubting my skill?
James: Yes, very
much so.
John: I was
behind you all the way.
Joe: Thank you
John.
John: What are
you thanking me for, James knocked me behind you trying to run inside the
apartment, I had no choice.
Joe: Oh, even
still, thanks.
John: No
problem.
[the shouting
gets louder]
Joe: Just look
at him out there, looking like an ass.
John [angrily]:
Joe!
Joe: Sorry, I
meant more like an ass.
John: Thank you.
James: I never
thought something this simple could bring us so much joy.
[ Joe is in the
corner playing with a ball of yarn]
John: I know!!
James: No, I
meant with Benji, but that is pretty great too.
Joe: Hey, you
guys really should try this, it is great!!
[All three guys start
playing with a ball of yarn]
Scene Four:
“All is Quiet on the Dayboqrx Front”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The
Guys
Joe: Who knew a
ball of yarn could be that much fun?
John: Not I.
James: I did.
Joe: And you
didn’t share this secret with us?
James: I like to
have some things that I just have for myself.
John: Did you
guys notice something?
Joe: Yeah at the
fifth hour of playing with the yarn it started to bunch up, that was so much…
John: No, I
meant outside
Joe: What? I don’t hear anything.
John: Exactly,
where is the feverish screaming of Benji?
James: John is
right, I should be hearing our plan in Dolby screaming sound [points at a box
next to the door]
Joe: Where did
you get that?
James
[shouting]: MALL!
Joe: Ok, James,
just because it’s Dolby out there doesn’t mean it has to be that loud in here.
James: Oh…right.
John: Someone
better check on him to make sure… [ Joe and James look at John coldly
again] What? I was going to say to make
sure that he still has problems, what do you have no faith in me?
Joe: I have a
quarter in you at least. [he pulls out a shiny quarter]
John: Why did
you put that in there?
Joe: Couldn’t
find my wallet. Plus, you didn’t seem
to be using it.
John: Next time
put it in your own ear.
Joe [laughing
loudly]: And rupture my hearing, I don’t think so. I will be sticking with my plan, thank you very much.
James: We still
have to check on Benji.
Joe: Well I’m
not doing it, I made the plan, my work is done.
John: Yeah, but
because you made the plan, you have to see your work.
Joe:
Really? So I guess you should have went
back into James’s room and checked on him when you put that replica of Abe
Lincoln in his bed.
James: What!!!
John: Hehe, Joe
is just going through yarn withdrawal, don’t mind him.
James: Okay, we
will all go check on him.
[the three open
the door carefully]
Joe: There’s no
one there.
John: And Benji
left his curlers…which means he is stepping out on the town.
James: Or he
took them out.
Joe: Guys, I
have a bad feeling about this.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Tie a Shoe; Save a Fool”
Location: Pushor Avenue, The Penthouse
Characters: The
Guys, Benji, and Old Woman
[Benji is
clunking around the city trying to find someone who will tie his sandals for
him]
Benji: Excuse me
stranger, could you tie my shoes?
Old Woman: Sure
[she sees that he’s wearing Velcro sandals] Ummm, no.
Benji: But I’m
Benji!!
Old Woman
[seeing the flyer for practical joke on people with K or B day]: Benji eh, sure
let me see what I can do…[goes into pet shop and walk out with bird]…this bird
will help you tie your shoe.
Benji: Oh my
Dayboqrx, thank you!
Old Woman
[giggling]: No problem…sucker.
Benji: Is that
the bird’s name? Sucker?
[Old woman
prances away laughing loudly]
Benji: Wow,
people sure are nice to me today…first I get talked to by the guys at the
apartment, that one’s going into my journal.
Then that old crotchety woman gives me a shoe-tying bird…can it get any
better?
[Benji skips
back to the apartment]
Joe: Something
smells like failure.
John: Benji must
be back!
James: Let’s go
out and check.
[the three peek
out their heads and look at their work]
Joe: What the…
John: He looks
happy.
James: And what
is up with the bird on his shoulder?
Joe: He does
realize that his cats are going to destroy that bird the second it gets in the
apartment right?
John: I don’t
know, but it is gonna be one hell of a funny thing to watch.
[ Just as Benji
is about to open the door, there is a giant thud from behind the other side]
Benji: Hmm, the
babies only get worked up like that when I bring home food. Well, guess they just must be off today.
[the door closes
and the guys spring out and listen on the other end of the door]
Benji: Okay
babies, I’ve brought home a new friend.
[all the cats
sit there, eyeing up the bird]
Benji: You are
paying attention to me and I’m not even wearing the muumuu.
[As Benji is
about to speak again, all the cats jump on him and pounce him to the ground]
Benji: Okay
babies, I know you’re excited to meet your new friend but…[he gasps] SUCKER?!!
SUCKER?!!
Joe: That he is.
John: Shhh, I
can’t hear the bloodshed right with you talking.
James
[displeased]: That’s disgusting.
John: Sorry.
James: You
telling Joe to be quiet like that.
Joe: Its okay, I
like the abuse, it makes it all that much better in the police report.
John: That’s
right, in the police…wait, what?
James: Shhh!!
Benji [crying]:
Now I will never be able to tie my shoes…why?…why ?
[Benji
feverishly looks to find the bird in all of the cats mouths]
Benji: Here Andy
#13,434, give daddy his bird…no sweetie, don’t flip daddy off. Damn Cat Fancy magazine, teaching them bad
habits.
Joe: Well, our
job is done, let’s go back to the apartment and celebrate.
John: Who wants
a refreshing Brandy?
Joe: I’d much
rather listen to a different artist please.
James: Umm,
let’s just go in.
Scene Six:
“All is Lost…Or is It?”
Location: A Pet Store
Characters:
Benji, and the Pet Store Owner
[After searching
for fourteen hours in all the cats, he finally finds half of a hairball, the TV
remote, and the skeletal remains of a human hand]
Benji: Nothing
worth interest in your small little mouths.
Now I know why I was made fun of so much as a child.
[flashback to
Benji standing in a tutu with his sandals on and everyone laughing at him]
Benji: It must
have been because I couldn’t tie my shoes.
Well, I’ll just have to go back to the pet store and get another bird.
[all of the cats
eyes glare at him with anticipation]
Benji: But this
time I will bring it somewhere it can’t be hurt.
[all of the cats
snap their paws]
Benji: What was
that noise? Well whatever it was, it
probably isn’t that important
[Benji goes back
down the block to get a new bird]
Pet Store Owner:
Hello. How may I help you?
Benji: Yes, I’m
Benji, I’m here to buy a new shoe-tying bird.
Pet Store Owner:
Okay? But sir, for one…why do you have
that comb over your face?
Benji: I want to
keep my identity secret.
Pet Store Owner:
But you just told me.
Benji: You are a
crafty one, I see you are well suited for this job.
Pet Store Owner:
And second, there is no such thing as a “Shoe-tying bird.”
[A paper boy
comes by and throws a stack of papers through the man’s window]
Pet Store Owner:
Ah, right on time.
Benji: Why don’t
you just tell him to throw them at the door?
Pet Store Owner:
Because I collect insurance for the broken window, and then I buy a new
window. It is a very complicated cycle.
Benji: Yes.
Pet Store Owner:
Yes what?
Benji: No, my
name is Benji, not What. [he laughs]
Pet Store Owner:
You say you need a special needs dog?
Because you seem kinda retar…
Benji: No, a
bird.
[Man glances
over headline “ALPHABET ANIMOSITY: People With Names With K or B Pranked
Today”]
Pet Store Owner:
Benji is your name?
Benji: [stupidly
grins] Yup.
Pet Store Owner:
Well I have a good news. We have a
better animal then a silly old bird.
Benji: Really?
Pet Store Owner
Yup, I have a crate of shoe bees, the tie with the speed of a hundred birds.
Benji: Great,
how much?
Pet Store Owner:
For you, free.
Benji [angrily]:
I keep telling you my name is Benji not “What” or “You.”
Pet Store Owner:
Okay Benji, have a nice day, and remember to shake up the crate a few times and
tell them you love the letter C more.
Benji: Will do.
Scene Seven:
“Don’t Look a Gift Bee in the
Stinger”
Location: The Penthouse and Benji’s Penthouse
Characters: The
Guys, Benji
[Benji anxiously
bring home the crate and thinks of all the fun shoe-tying he’ll get done]
Benji: Wow,
today must be lucky day.
Joe: Do you
think he’s learned his lesson yet?
John: It’s
Benji, what do you think?
Joe: I am going
with no for 200.
James: What?
Joe: I was
answering it like they do in Jeopardy.
John: Oh. [he
smiles] Don’t do that.
Joe: Gotcha.
[Benji is heard
in the apartment talking to himself]
Benji: I wonder
why the man was so eager to give me these shoe-tying bees?
Joe: Oh my. He has bees now, this is going to bee
priceless.
John: Did you
mean the insect bee or the word bee?
Joe: Which one
is funnier?
James: I am
partial to the word one.
John: I fancy
the insect one.
Joe: And I
resign my vote, so it is now half funny and half not funny, you decide which is
which.
John: Well
played.
Benji: Man I am
so stupid, I was about to open up a crate of bees.
Joe: Guess he’s
smarter then I thought.
Benji: And I
almost forgot to shake up the crate [yells] I love C much more [he opens the
crate]…AHHHHHHHHH!!! That’s not my
shoe!
Joe: Hey, I
wasn’t expecting to be right on that one.
James: Do you
think that maybe we should help out Benji?
Joe: He seems to
have it under control from what I can hear. [listening to the radio] Man, Benji must really hate Bosnia, he’s
bombing it.
James: So John,
do you think we should help Benji?
John: Not if
hates Bosnia that much.
James [giving
John a puzzled look]: Guess so.
Joe: Have we
ever steered you wrong James?
James: YES! There was that time…
Joe: See, I told
you we never did.
John: Wow Joe,
you didn’t even let James finish. Go on
James.
James: As I was
trying to say, there was that time that you and John…
John: You are
right, we have been great friends.
[feverish
screaming coming from Benji’s apartment]
Joe: Jeez, Benji
is a real drama queen. All he does is
scream and whine about the thousands of bees stinging him. Give it a rest.
John: I know, I
stubbed my toe yesterday and I didn’t say anything about it.
Joe: That was
me.
John: Exactly,
and I didn’t say anything about it.
James: You are
so humble John.
John: I know,
it’s just a gift I was born with.
Joe: I found my
humble at a truck stop.
James: That was
your keys Joe.
Joe: I was
wondering why my car never started.
John: Um Joe,
you don’t have a car.
Joe: Of course
not, I don’t have any keys to start it with…psssh.
James: Anyone
hungry?
Joe: I am
starving. All this laughing at Benji’s
misfortune makes me famished.
John: I
know! Who needs a diet when I can lose
weight by just laughing at Benji alone?
James: I wonder
where he comes up with all the pain from?
Joe: Probably
the muumuu.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“And Then it Hits Me”
Location: Red Light Park
Characters: The
Guys, baseball players
James: Man, and
then there was that one time that I forgot my gerbil in the dryer.
Joe: James,
where did that story come from? You
just started that in the middle…or the end, I’m not sure.
James: Sorry
about that. It was the end, that should
clear it up for you.
John: It is all
clear for me now, thanks!
James: My
pleasure.
[ Joe points at
a field in the distance]
John: It looks
like they are playing some sort of sport over there.
Joe: Hey, I was
gonna say that.
John: Well, you
snooze you lose.
Joe: Just
because my Snoozian nationality is not known for winning doesn’t mean you have
to insult me for it.
James: Let’s go
and play if they’ll let us.
Joe: Weren’t we
going to go and e…
John: Yup,
exhilarate ourselves with fun sports.
Joe: Alright, if
you say so…you don’t have to use mob mentality on me.
John: I was by
myself on that one.
Joe: It was in
the eyes…[points at knees]
James: Yes Joe
[pats Joe on the head]
[as the three of
them reach the field something is heard in the distance]
Joe: What’s that
noise?
James: I think
it’s the sound of a oncoming ice cream cone.
Joe: Really? [opens
mouth]
John: I want one
too.
[ Joe and John
fight]
[baseball hits
Joe in the head]
John: You can
have it Joe, I don’t like that flavor…too many carbs.
James: I think
the ball knocked Joe out.
John: Must be a
major ice cream headache, he should really learn to pace himself.
[a field full of
people are just playing a fun filled game of baseball]
John [screams]:
Hey, can we play?!?
Guy [standing
right in front of him]: Ow…and sure.
John: Sorry, the
game makes me excited.
Guy: I can see
that, you already have on all your gear.
And also stuff for other sports.
Guy #2: Like
cricket I see…nice paddle.
John: No, that’s
just for the fun of it, I didn’t know it had anything to do with any
sports. Hmm…learn something new
everyday.
James: We gonna
talk or play ball over here?
Guy: Well over
here it’s talking, but over there it’s playing.
James: Oh okay,
sorry to break up the tea party.
Joe [mumbles]:
TEA!
John: Oh yeah
Joe, you want to play ball, or are you still all milking that concussion for
all it is worth?
[ Joe falls
over]
John: I’m
guessing he’s just going to milk it for a bit longer.
James: So guys,
what are we going to play?
Guy #3: We’re
just gonna go and do meaningless running drills to tire us out.
James: Sounds
fun.
Guy #3: Oh
it…[he just starts running]
[Thirty minutes
go by]
John: Man, I
sure am hungry, I really wish I ate something right now.
James: I sure
could go for some eating right here.
John: Let’s just
go then.
James: Good
idea.
[all the team
says goodbye to them]
John [looking at
the field]: Man, where did all the players go?
James: Look at
the field next to it.
John: Oh. [he laughs]
Scene Nine:
“The Two Amigos”
Location: A corner restaurant near the park
Characters: John
and James
[the two of the
guys walk from the field up the street to a nearby shop to eat]
John: It is sure
nice to get something to eat.
James: I know,
it’s like I was missing out on something special in life.
John: Really?
James: No, but
it’s still good.
John [smiles
while munching]: Right oh!
James: So, what
do you think is the best part of the whole day thus far?
John: Well I
would have to go with…wait did you just say thus?
James: I believe
I did.
John: Ok ay, as
I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, it would have to be the whole
making nuts of Benji.
James: I know,
it is soooo much fun to torture him.
John: He is like
a human size mini punching bag.
James: Or just a
regular sized one then.
John: If you
like to sound all profound and all then yeah.
I’m happy with my own wording.
James: You are
entitled to your own wrong opinion, as wrong as it is.
John: Thank
y…[he shrugs and returns to eating his food]
James: I feel
like our conversation has been missing something.
John: Is it
mustard? Because this sandwich sure is.
James: Then put
some mustard on it, it’s right there on the table.
John: And pay
extra? I don’t think so. They put it on there to test you. I am not falling for that.
James [staring
blankly at John]: As I was saying, there’s something we’re missing.
John: I wonder
what?
[ John and James
look at each other at the same time and say…]
James: Joe!
John: Mustard!
James: Will you
get off the mustard?
John: Shhh! No one is supposed to know I’m on it. They’ll know I’m using it then.
James: No, it’s
okay, you will not be charged for it, trust me.
[the check comes
in]
James: Okay mine
was $1.99.
John: Mine was
$34.99.
James: You
ordered lobster and lamb.
John: Yes, but I
got charged ten cents for the mustard.
James: That was
the tax for the food.
John: Sure.
James: We really
should go and get Joe, he’s probably all dehydrated.
John: How could
that be? He had that ice cream cone.
James: It was a
baseball!
John: If he can
eat it, then that is all that matters.
James: But he
can’t.
John: Oh jeez,
then we better get a move on. Why did
you waste our time like that James?!
Scene Ten:
“Oh Where, Oh Where, Could My Little
Friend Have Gone?”
Location: Red Light Park
Characters: The
Guys, a small boy
[ John and James
rush to the aid of Joe and find that he’s not there]
John: Here’s the
ball that hit him.
[a boy comes
back and snatches it out of John’s hand]
Boy: I was
holding that in my hand.
John: [shakes
the kid down] Where’s our friend punk?
Boy: What??
John: He’s tall,
has brown hair, goes by the name John.
James
[whispering in John’s ear]: Pssst, that’s you John.
John: Yay! Mystery solved.
James: His name
is Joe.
Boy: Hmmm, don’t
know of any Joes, sorry.
James: It’s
okay. John, go back to shaking that kid
down.
John: My
pleasure!
Boy: Noooo!!!
James: So you’re
gonna talk?
Boy: I don’t
know what you even want.
John: Shaking is
the order of the day, so I hope you brought your knife and fork and other
eating utensils, like a shrimp fork and…
James: I think
the kid gets the point.
John: Oh, will
get the point real soon…the shaking point.
James: Okay, now
I’m getting tired of you here.
John: You want
some too?? Huh?! Huh?!
James: John!!
John: Sorry, I
kinda get all caught up in the shaking mood.
James
[sarcastic]: Really, I couldn’t tell.
John: Good, the
lessons are paying off.
John: Hey James,
remember what happened last time?
James: You mean
when we skinned that w…
John: No,
recently.
James: Oh, the
wrong field thing?
John: Yeah.
James: What
about it?
John: Just
asking.
Joe: Hey
everyone!
John: Oh my Joe,
where were you?
Joe: Other
field.
James: Really?
Joe: Yup.
Joe: So what did
I miss?
John: By any
chance, do you still have any more of that ice cream?
Joe: The what?
James: The thing
in your pocket.
Joe: Oh, the
baseball.
John: Yes [air
quotes] baseball.
Joe: Sure it’s
all yours.
John: Yes, all
mine.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
“It’s All Out”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The
Gang, Benji
[Benji is
covered in seaweed as the three guys get back to the apartment]
Joe: Um, Benji…?
Benji: Squids
don’t make great shoe-tiers.
John: You would
think all those tentacles, and not one knows how to tie. Hmmm…go figure.
Joe: Man, it was
great out there on the field, in the sun, all alone…[stares at the wall]…Hey,
did you ever notice that big spot on the wall?
John: What spot?
Joe [punches the
wall]: That one.
John: Now that
you mention it, yes.
James: The food
we ate was great.
Katie: I don’t
have my period!!!!
John: We already
went over this a while ago.
Joe: Yeah, I was
right about it all along.
Katie: Oh.
[everyone
laughs]
Benji
[screaming]: EVERYONE LOOK OUT!! THERE’S
A BEE SHOOTING SQUID ON THE LOOSE!!
Joe: Another fun
day.
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