“On Our Own”
Episode Eighteen (#1T18)
The Gang Goes to the Dayboqrx Fair
Written
By Joe Termine
Scene One:
“B-B-B-Benji and the Morons”
Location:
An airplane
Characters:
The Gang
Geppetto:
Boy, I sure do like making wooden children.
Katie:
Where the hell did you come from?
Geppetto:
Here’s a free ticket.
Katie:
Thank you odd man.
Geppetto:
No problem.
[Geppetto
dances away with cats with logs on their head]
Joe:
What just happened here?
John:
Who cares, we have free plane tickets to Texas!
James:
Hooray! Wait, wait a minute.
[one
minute of silence]
James:
I didn’t mean that literally.
Benji:
Did someone say literally?
James:
No, go take a long leap off a short cliff.
Benji:
Okay. [he jumps out of the plane window]
Pilot:
Don’t worry guys, I got my license. [he
holds up a driver’s license]
John:
Who’s driving the plane if you’re out here?
Pilot:
The correct term is “flying” the plane.
Not driving.
John:
That didn’t answer my question.
Pilot:
Of course it did.
Katie:
Stupidity is the devil’s play toy.
James:
Yes. Go back to sleep Katie. [he hits her on the head]
Katie:
You wish you could get rid of me. [she
falls dead asleep]
Pilot:
We’re cruising at an altitude of two feet.
Please put on your oxygen masks.
John:
You don’t really that intercom, you’re right there.
Joe:
Are we even on a plane?
Pilot:
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Joe:
Yes, since I asked the question.
Pilot:
But, wouldn’t you like to know?
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Cliché Chaos”
Location: Microscopic Italy
Characters: The Gang, and a few Stereotypical Italians
Joe:
Wow, that plane ride sure was fun.
James:
Yeah, but I bet the fair will be ten million times more fun.
John:
Ten million?
James:
What, it’s a number.
John:
Yeah, but, way to be realistic James.
Katie:
Anyway, where’s this fair being held?
Oh, and I almost forgot: me, me, me, me, and me.
John:
Oh, over at Vega Coliseum.
Katie:
Oh, they should call it the Katie Coliseum.
James:
Yeah, that’s a good idea, how about the Conceited Center?
Katie:
Is my name in it?
James:
No.
Katie:
I don’t like it.
John:
Anyway, where are we?
Joe:
I think this is Microscopic Italy.
Stereotypical
Italian Man: Eh, whassamattayou? You
want me to shina ya shoe?
John:
No thanks, I’m wearing sandals.
Joe:
It’s January, and it’s snowing.
John:
And my feet are so comfortable………yep, comfortable and extremely cold. But, mostly cold.
[The
Gang walks into a random store]
Shopkeeper:
How’d you like to sleep wit da fishes?
The
Gang [in unison]: What??? [they’re all extremely scared]
Shopkeeper:
You can, with this excellent waterbed slash aquarium. Aren’t they so cute in there?……What did you think I meant?
John:
Something that has to do with…
Shopkeeper:
What?
John:
Well, you interrupted me.
Shopkeeper:
So?
John: So now I’m not going to finish my sentence. Ha, showed you.
Katie:
Time to go to a new store.
[The
Gang walks into a second store]
SK 2
(Shopkeeper 2) [thick Italian accent]: What can I do you for?
James:
We were looking for a nice new pair of shoes.
John:
Not me, I’ve got my nice sandals.
Joe:
Your toes are turning purple.
John:
Purple with comfortable…ocity.
Katie:
I think he’s delusional.
John:
Delusional…ocity.
Katie:
Yep, he is.
SK
2: I like the way you talk. I’ve seen
you before somewhere…yeah, I remember you.
I got something for you. [he goes in the back room]
Katie:
I bet you it’s not a hat.
Joe:
Ten bucks says it is.
Katie:
Do you have that much?
Joe:
I don’t know, can you loan me twenty?
Katie:
Sure. [she hands him a $20 bill]
Easiest ten bucks I’m ever gonna make [laughs evilly].
[the
shopkeeper returns with a box]
SK
2: Here you go. Cement shoes.
John:
Oh boy! Now I can go swimming again!
SK
2: Try ‘em on.
John:
I don’t know…
SK
2: I didn’t ask, I said try ‘em on.
John:
Okay. [he puts the shoes on] Wow, these
are amazingly light-weight.
SK
2: Jump into this pool that I simulated as a river for…uh…no reason at all…yeah,
that’s right. [looks around shadily]
[
John jumps in and starts to drown]
John:
At least my feet aren’t cold anymore [his voice is drowned out and turns to
gurgling]
Katie:
Well, seeya! [the other three leave the store]
John:
Umm, guys? Guys???
SK
2: I’ll take care of him good.
[Godfather music plays in the background as he closes the door] Sorry, AP’s broken. [new music plays]
Scene Three:
“A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to
the Fair”
Location: A midtown Dayboqrx street
Characters: The Gang
Katie
[laughing]: Aha…hahaha, ah me.
James [also
laughing]: Aha…hahaha, ah me as well.
Katie
[screaming]: NO NO NO, ME!!!
James: You.
Katie: That’s
better.
Joe: Hey, a
funny thing happened on the way to the fair…hey, coincidentally, we’re going to
the fair!
John: So, why
don’t you tell us this story about this thing that happened on the way to the
fair.
Joe: I just
did…a funny thing happened.
John: What was
it?
Joe: Funny.
John: No, what
was the story about?
Joe: That funny
thing that happened on the way to the fair.
John: Which is?
Joe: Funny.
John: No, no,
no, what’s the story about?
Joe: That funny
thing that happened, aren’t you paying attention to my story?
John: What
story?
Joe: The one
about the funny thing.
John: You
haven’t told that story yet.
Joe: Yes I did.
John: When?
Joe: Right after
that funny thing happened on the way to the fair.
John: Which is?
Joe: Funny.
John: Yes, I
know, you said that. But what happened?
Joe: A funny
thing. Man, they call me the dumb one.
James: You’re
about to walk into that street sign.
Joe: Wait for
it. Wait for it. [he collides with the
sign] Ouch, yes, now I’m the dumb one again.
Alright, I reclaim my victory.
John: Which is?
Joe: Related to
the funny thing that happened on the way to the fair.
Katie: I’m great.
John [ignoring
her]: And what is this funny thing that happened?
[a mysterious
man comes out of nowhere]
Man: I know the
story you’re going to tell. [everyone crowds around him] It was a long time ago.
Katie: Actually…
Man: NO, it was
a LONG TIME AGO. God, some people. [holds up a sign that signs “Five Minutes
Later”] And that’s the story. [he walks away]
[ Joe is
laughing uncontrollably]
Joe: HA, I knew
the story was funny.
John: What
story, he just held up a sign that said five minutes later.
Joe: The funny
story about the thing that happened on the way to the fair.
John: That
didn’t answer my question.
Joe: Oh right, I
forgot, you guys don’t have telepathy, and you can’t read minds.
James: Neither
do you.
Joe: I can
pretend.
Katie: Anyway,
we’re at the fair now.
Joe: Like now,
Katie’s thinking we’re at the fair.
Katie: I just
said that.
Joe: No, you
thought it.
Katie: No, I
said it, I remember what I said.
John: That story
wasn’t really funny at all.
Joe: Guess you
had to be there.
John: Were you
there?
Joe:
Imagination…[he wanders away]
Katie: Man, if
he was great, like me…[she stops abruptly]
John: What?
Katie: Oh, a
funny thing happened outside the fair.
John: Oh God.
Scene Four:
“A Fairing We Will Go”
Location: Outside Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Benji, a stamp checker
Katie: Wait,
does anybody actually have any money?
Joe: Ha, I have
a funny story about money.
John: Shut up
Joe, just shut up.
Joe: If you
could read minds, you’d see I’m giving you the middle finger.
John: You’re
doing that now Joe.
Joe: So you ARE
telephonic!
John: What?
[ Joe’s cell
phone rings]
Joe: Excuse me,
this must be God calling me.
Joe: Hello.
Benji: Hey
Joe.
Joe: Hey, it is
B-I mean God.
Benji: I like
the sound of that. Anyway, can I come
with you to the fair today?
[it turns out that Benji is standing right behind Joe]
Joe: No, no you can’t.
Benji: C’mon,
I’ll pay.
[The Gang all
agrees]
Joe: Well, okay,
if you’ll pay.
Benji: Great!!!
[Benji taps Joe
on the shoulder]
Joe: Wow, you
got here fast.
James: Hey, I thought
you were talking to Jesus.
[Katie slaps
James on the forehead]
Katie: He
prefers being called the “Jesinator.”
John: Okay,
well, Benji, go in front of us since you’re paying.
Benji: Oh yeah,
thanks guys for letting me…
Katie: Less
talkie, more payee. Nowie ifie youie couldie.
Joe: Even I know
that’s not correct…the last word you just said should have two e’s…Pffft.
Katie: Oh yeah,
I forgot.
Benji: Okay
well, guys, go right in, I’ll be there in a second.
[The Gang walks
away]
James: He really
isn’t that bad…at least he doesn’t have those damn cats.
[a helicopter
comes onto the open parking lot field]
Benji: AH, MY
BABIES!!!
Joe: This may
take a while.
James: You
think?
Joe: Not too
much, I like to save my energy for reading “See Spot Run,” it’s kinda complex.
James: That was
a rhetorical question.
Joe: There’s a
rhino here…I wanna ride it!
[Benji is heard
in the background]
Benji: If you
must stamp all of their hands.
[six seconds
later, Benji walks by and says hello to the gang]
Benji: Well
guys, see you inside.
John: Wait, I
thought you said you were paying?
Benji: Yeah, I
did, for me and my babies.
Joe: I’m back,
did I miss anything?
Katie: Wait,
Joe, weren’t you just here?
Joe: Nope.
Katie: Then who
was I talking to?
[a pig stands
there in makeup]
Katie: I used
your lipstick too.
Joe: This is an
insult to me Katie, I would never wear such an ugly color, I’m a summer, not a
winter.
[a man walks up
to the gang]
Stamp Checker: I
have just checked the four million stamps, you guys are the last to check.
Joe: Wow, that
is a lot of stamps.
SC: It is, they
don’t call me Bill for nothing.
Katie: I think
they do, because it says George on your name tag.
SC: Any who,
let’s see those hands.
[groups of
nonpaying people are walking right in]
Woman: MAN, I
LOVE NOT PAYING TO GET IN!!!!
SC: Ma’am, how
are you…I believe you dropped your Hilton ashtray.
Woman [laughing
sacredly]: Thanks.
SC: All in a
days work…So, in 1967, I went to the school of stamp checking and got a masters
in neurosurgery…
[as the man
rambles on, the gang gets in line and gets stamped]
Joe: We are
back, with our hands stamped.
SC: Huh, I knew
that…be on your way.
Scene Five:
“Follow the Urine Soaked Road”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang, Joseph Stalin
Katie: So now that
we’re in, what do you guys want to do?
James, John, Katie [in unison]: MERRY GO ROUND!
Joe: Rhino ride!!! WAIT YOU GUYS SAID SOMETHING DIFFERENT…OH MAN.
Katie: I guess we’ll split up then…okay, the left flank…
John: Only Joe is leaving.
Katie: I know I just wanted to use cool army lingo.
[Next to the gang stood three soldiers]
Soldier: Sarge is that you? [looking frantically]…We better do what he said,
boys out!!
John: You hear something?
James: I know, how can you get those prizes for so cheap?
John: WHAT??
James: Nothing.
Katie: So the merry go round it is, huh.
[ Joe goes riding by on a large rhino]
Joe: Hey guys this is a great fair!
[angry carneys are chasing after him]
James: He astounds me sometimes.
Katie: Sometimes?? Always.
John: Ow, someone has been hit by CUPID’S ARROW.
[a yell is heard coming from down the way]
Carney: Sorry the arrow slipped, the stupid cheap thing…never works right…step
right up and get your very own genuine bow and arrow.
Katie: Is it in my back?
John: I don’t know there seems to be other things lodged in your back. [he pulls out different things]
Katie: Oh, those are my lucky throwing knives…I lost the case, so I hold them
in my back for safe keeping.
James: Good place to hold them.
Katie: I thought so too.
John: So guys, merry go round?
Katie: Yup.
James: Yuppers.
John: Why is everyone looking a me, I asked the question, so of course I’m
in…ok I’m in too…geesh.
Katie: Thank you, it is the principle of the thing.
James: The Thing went to school, I thought he was a monster…wow you learn
something new everyday.
[the three get on the ride]
Katie: This is so much more fun then riding real horses.
[flashback to
Katie getting pulled by her shoes by a horse through a field of scorpions]
[ John, James, and Katie all laugh]
John: What are you
laughing at?
Katie: What you guys are laughing at…the circus clown in the dress over there.
James: Hate to break it to you, but that circus clown in a dress is your dad.
Joseph: Hi honey yup you sitting on the merry go round…I’m here to make people
laugh at me…like I used to laugh at you for pooping yourself all those
years…one year ago…
Katie: Dad that was you!!!
Joseph: Oh yeah, sorry…go on not pooping yourself then.
Katie: This ride is fun! WEEEEEE!
John: STOP!! Can’t you read the sign…[he points to sign that says “NO HAPPY
NOISES ALLOWED ON THIS RIDE FOR ENJOYMENY ONLY”].
Katie: What can some joy hurt huh?[she continues to make happy noises]
John: I guess so.
James: Okay then.
[they all make happy noises, then the ride stops and the ride operator comes up
to them]
Rider Operator: Can’t ‘yis read the rooles…it clearly states…[looks for a sign
for a second and makes a baffled face] Well, from what the guy at he 20 minute
seminar, he said “no happiness on any of the rides” and that includes this one.
Katie: Well excuse me for living.
Ride Operator: Your dog ate it.
Katie: HUH??
Ride Operator: You just told me to make an excuse for you living.
John: That is not what I think she meant.
Ride Operator: Never the more…
James: LESS.
Ride Operator: Huh?
James: The correct way to say it is “nevertheless.”
Ride Operator: I didn’t win this ride operating degree in a crane game…I won it
at the whack-a-mole booth.
John: We are out of here.
Ride Operator: Have fun on the rides but not that much. Okay thanks.
Scene Six:
“It Was the Best of Fairs, It Was
the…That’s All I Got”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang
Joe: Hey wonder
where everyone else is…guys are you still at the fair…OH GOD THEY LEFT
ME…Oooooh, cotton candy.
John: Hey Joe, how is that cotton candy?
Joe: It’s fine thanks for asking…[pulls it away] You get none for leaving me at
the fair all alone.
James: Joe, what are you talking about?
Katie: What is wrong with you guys, leaving him at the fair all alone…he must
have been scared.
John: He didn’t say you didn’t do it too.
Katie: Yeah he did, he said right after he pulled away the cotton candy from
you. Man that was sweet the way he did that to you.
James: It was kinda cool the way he did that.
John: Hey where did Joe go again?
Joe: Why are you guys always leaving me?
Vender [shouting]: HUAMN LEASHES!!! For that wandering kid or for a dear loved
one…only $4.99!
Katie: We should get a leash for Joe so he doesn’t wander off so much.
John: That is wrong Katie.
Katie: I know $4.99 for a leash, that is kind of wrong.
James: No, I think John is trying to say it is wrong to leash up Joe. Can’t you think of other people’s needs?
Katie: Baby steps, baby steps.
Joe: Hey guys look what I just got, it’s a bungee cord and harness!
James [whispers to John]: Should we tell him it is a human leash?
Katie: No!!!
James: I was talking to John.
Katie: And I was listening so mwahh [sticks out tongue].
Joe: That is very un-lady like <expletive at Katie>.
James: Well what
do we want to do now?
John: Ferris wheel!!
Katie: I am game if you are.
Joe: I’m in.
John: No you are out…
Joe: WHAT?!!!
John: We are outside, so you are out.
Joe: Oooooh I get it now you’re making a joke…
John [happy with himself]: Yup.
[large man walks out of the shadows]
Man: Hey, you guys wanna see something cool?
Katie: No, I’m in the mood for something warm.
Man: Your loss, how bout you boys you want to see somethin’…wait did you just
say you are in the mood for something warm?
Katie: Yeah.
Man: You must be Katie.
John: How did you know that?
Man: I get paid to know these things.
Joe: People pay you to know things…man I should be rich by now.
Man: Also I know your father, he is always talking about you.
Katie [smiling]: All good I hope.
Man: Not really…well have fun at he fair.
Joe: What was the cool thing you had to show us?
Man: Nope, your friend Katie ruined it.
Katie: He probably didn’t even have anything to show us.
Man: Oh I did, and it was great too…bye!
Scene Seven:
“People’s Minds and the Rides: The
Only Things Not Fixed”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Katie: So guys,
are we gonna go on the Ferris wheel or what?
John: Keep your pants on!!
Katie: I am wearing a skirt.
Benji: My Katie call is exploding off the chart.
John: It’s just a figure of speech.
Joe: Look I got one…it is the word “AS” and he has a sword and a car and
everything, it is so cool!!!
John: A figure of speech, I should of figured.
James: That is kind of a pun.
John: How do you mean?
James: It “figures.”
Katie : Oh I get it. [laughs frantically]
John: Wow…just wow.
Benji: Did I hear Katie say she was not wearing pants?
John: She said that a while ago and how did you hear that?
Benji: I have my ways [puts on the new pair of X-ray specs] Oooooh nice panties
Katie.
Katie: I am not wearing any.
Benji: Must be broken.
[The gang leaves Benji]
James: So Joe…
[Benji is heard from a while back]
Benji: OH MY GOD!
Joe: So what were
you gonna ask me now?
James: Can’t remember.
John: Probably wasn’t that important then.
James: No, it was.
Joe: Now I need to know what it was.
James: I can’t remember now, sorry.
[ Joe gets flung back into a nearby tent]
James: Oh that was it, you’re caught on a tent.
Joe: Glad you told me that before anything happened.
James: That is what I‘m here for.
[The gang gets to the Ferris wheel]
James: Finally, we can go on the ride.
Katie: Yeah!!!
Joe: It looks kind of rusty and old.
John: No Joe, it’s called dilapidated, like it will fall at any point.
[ Joe is already on the ride]
Joe: Sweet insurance, here I come.
Katie: I’m sitting with Joe.
John: Me too!
Ride Operator: Two per seat.
John: It wouldn’t be so bad if Katie’s big butt wasn’t taking up the whole
seat.
Benji: My Katie call is kicking into overdrive.
[Benji runs to get on the ride]
Benji: Can I get on too…me and my babies?
Ride Operator: Youze got to be 3 feet to board.
Benji: There’s some dead presidents in it for you.
Ride Operator: Well, okay.
[Benji runs into a booth next door]
Benji: Here [he throws two giant wax presidents at the ride operator] GET ON
BABIES!!! [he turns on the Ferris wheel] Isn’t this fun…
John: I have a bad feeling about this.
Katie: You have a bad feeling about everything.
John: No I don’t.
Katie: Oh wait you don’t…man you’re to cheery.
Joe: Hey guys, why do I feel like somebody’s watching me?
Katie: You are surrounded by about a few million people, I would think that
someone would be looking at you…and don’t be silly they are all looking at
me…[shouts] HEY MISTER DOWN THERE LOOK AT ME…I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE BLIND!!!
Joe: That was mean.
Katie: Mean or…I got nothing, that was mean.
[The Ferris wheel rickets to a stop]
John: What’s going on?
James: The ride has just stopped…I think it’s cause the weight limit is
exceeded by 3,000 pounds.
John: Told you that Katie’s butt is big.
Joe: I think it is the large amounts of cats on the wheel.
Benji: Oh I forgot that my babies don’t like heights [his cats are violently
scratching at him] It’s okay babies.
James: Sure glad I wasn’t invited in the chair with you guys.
Katie: No you’re not.
James: Damn you saw through that pretty fast.
Joe: I can do it [jumps off the Ferris wheel chair with the “bungee” harness
and goes nowhere]
John: Should we tell him now?
Katie: No, I think he gets it by now.
Joe: My bungee cord is defective.
John: Think we should tell him now?
Scene Eight:
“You Don’t Spin Me Right Round”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Joe: I am going to
sue these people. [all the carneys shout at the same time]
Carneys: ALL SALES
ARE FINAL [the booths close down and start to move away slowly]
Katie: That was strange, even for our city.
John: Is it?
Katie: No, I just wanted some more eyes on me.
Joe: My word fell off the ride, they’re all over the ground down there.
Man [screaming]: Ow, someone peed in my eye!
Joe: Can I have it back, that’s the only letter missing thanks.
[the man shouts
some things at Joe]
Joe: No I have F and U, but thanks for asking.
James: Hey guys, the firefighters are going to be over once they’re done
judging the chili cook off.
[The Ferris wheel starts to buckle and bend]
John: No hurry.
James [shouts]: Guys, it’s okay, they said no hurry, take as long as you need,
they’re good.
John: That was sarcasm you idiot!
James: Name calling doesn’t keep you from plummeting any faster.
Katie: That is comforting.
James: Thanks.
John: That was sarcasm again.
Katie: No, I meant it, stop putting words in my mouth.
[ Joe pulls out a bunch of letters from Katie’s mouth]
Joe: Sorry, I’m bored.
John: No, you are Joe…that bunch of jagged pieces of wood are “boards.”
Joe: Real nice time to make jokes.
John: I thought so too.
Katie: Way to get sarcasm.
John: Wow under the circumstances, you guys sure are being really nice to me.
Joe: Must be the elevation that is making him a bit…
Katie: Stupid…dumb…insane in the membrane?
Joe: I was going to say coo-coo but excellent choices of mental deficiency.
Katie: Wonder how Benji is doing.
[All 4 million cats are forming a tight rope out of there tails]
Benji: Just like in the old days, when I was a tightrope walker.
Joe: You were a tightrope walker?
Benji: No, but I did see a picture of some string on a poster one time so I
figured I could tightrope.
Katie: That is a horrible reason to think you could do something.
Benji: You can tell it to the guy who is doing it.
Katie : Fine I will when he gets here.
Benji: No I was talking about m…[falls off the rope of cats onto the hard
ground]
Joe: At least he got down.
[as the paramedics wheel him away he attempts to make a thumbs up but all his
fingers are broken so it looks like a upside down J ]
Katie: This is going to be fun.
Joe: What the hell are you talking about this is horrible…oh you were being
facetious.
John: When will we be able to get down?
Scene Nine:
“Thanks For the Memories”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang, Benji
[As the
firefighter gets over to the wheel he assesses the problem]
Firefighter: I got over here as slowly as I could, the young boy here said it
wasn’t an emergency.
Katie: And you believed him?
Firefighter: He has trusting eyes.
Joe: He is wearing sunglasses.
Firefighter: Someone is on the S.S. Poutyface…all aboard!!!
John: That would be a train…and what are you talking about?
Firefighter: It is a simple action of just pulling the lever in the opposite
direction making it go down.
James: But won’t that fling them out of their seats?
Firefighter: Who is it gonna hurt to find out?
James: My friends!!!
Firefighter [with a sad look on his face]: You guys never let me have any
fun…first I couldn’t use the fire hose to get rid of dead leaves in my
gutter. Or use the hose to get my mail
and to pick up my grandma…what kill joys.
Joe [yelling down]: Some acid will clear up those gutters real good. And the extra acid just throw out it is
biodegradable [Katie slaps Joe in the head]…Hey I keep my brain in there keep
your mitts off…I also keep my loose change in their…OW, a nickel.
Katie: Get us down!
Firefighter: Sorry, I forgot about you guys their for a second. [lowers the
wheel]
John: Finally we are off that thing.
[Katie and Joe get tickets to go on again]
John: What are you guys doing?
Joe: Man we are so stupid, would you like to come too John?
John: That is better, yes I would.
James: No, no one is getting back on that ride.
Man [yelling]: There’s pee in my seat!
Joe: Isn’t me, I have all my letters.
Benji: Sorry the cats got worked up [yelling] CATS CATS CATS ONLY THE CATS,
JUST CATS…NO PEOPLE!!!
John: I have a
feeling that it wasn’t the cats…call it a hunch.
Joe: That is a stupid name for something, I much rather Bob.
Katie: Man, I wonder why I stay friends with these people, and then I remember
and shutter.
John: You do know that you are saying all this out loud right?
[Katie flails her hands in their faces and run away]
James: Let’s go see some of the festivities.
Joe: Sounds like a plan.
John: Okay to that.
James: The part that Joe said or the part that I said?
John: Does it matter?
James: Maybe not to you.
John: [sighs] The one that Joe said.
James: That’s what I thought…wait what?
Joe: Oh look, there’s Katie.
Katie Hey, my three favorite people!
Joe: Oh thanks Katie, it’s nice to see you too.
Katie: What, what are you three doing here?
John: But you just said…[he sees that Katie was looking into funhouse mirrors]
Katie: Way to be conceited you guys…[muttering] Me me me.
Scene Ten:
“Let the Lame Begin”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang
Joe: We should
check out some of the booths while we’re here.
Katie: Good idea.
[The gang peers over to see a race starting as they had just gotten there]
Announcer: Are you guys ready to have some f...[a man signals for no fun] some
moderate enjoyment [again the man does the motion] Fine, for something!
Joe: Whoooh, something!!
Katie : It looks like a potato sack race…wonder who’s in it ?
[A group of people come out covered in capes and outfits]
Katie: Look at the cute little outfits.
[the people un-robe the capes and show they have no legs and arms]
Joe: Wow that is really cool!
Katie: [hits Joe] What is wrong with you?
John: What are you talking about? He didn’t insult them, he was impressed by
them.
Katie: Sorry.
Joe: Looks like someone earned themselves some time with the wall.
Katie: There are no walls around here.
John: He was talking about the big gentlemen behind you, you earned some time
with him.
Wall: We are gonna have a bunch of fun…[he laughs evilly]
Katie: Help me.
James: Stop yammering, it’s about to start.
Announcer: Time for something to begin…we have the contestants hop in a ten
yard race…this should only take about a few hours. Ready…set…Bo…hahaha, you should of saw your faces you were about
to go and all…sorry I mean GO!!!
[The sacks begin to move around in a circle and then jus starting to roll]
Joe: That one isn’t moving.
James: Excuse me, Number 3 isn’t moving.
Announcer: Oh geesh not again [he pokes the bag and then moves it behind the
tree and jus starts to whistle]
Joe: Lets go, we can come back later.
James: Hey there are some booths!!
Man: Guess your weight, if I am wrong you get a prize!
Joe: I am doing this [walks up to the man] Okay, guess my weight.
Man: Please remove all item from your pockets.
Joe: No pockets.
Man : What is that then?
Joe: My sleeve.
Man: Oh okay, then you weigh 521 pounds.
James: Man, what a fatty.
Joe: Shut up, the guy is wrong.
Man: I am never wrong!!!... get on the scale.
Joe: See it says 125 you are wrong. I
told you.
Man: What are you blind it says 521 as clear as a bell!
John: A bell is solid not clear…just thought I would point that out.
Joe: This guy must have a problem.
Man: Nah ah look next person…
[an immense woman
walks over and is ready to be guessed]
Man: …Hmmmm, 115.
[the women steps on the scale and is weighed in at 511]
Women [while eating four sandwiches at the same time]: Thank you for being so
nice.
Man: Huh, what are you talking about I guessed right!
John: I think he’s dyslexic.
Man: No I am not…I just have never given out a prize ever.
[The gang sees a
group of 8-tracks and afro combs]
John: We’re leaving now.
Joe: Not yet, I want to win that afro pick.
James: The guy already guessed your weight and wrong too.
Joe: Fine.
John: Lets see another booth.
[They stroll to a new
booth]
Man #2: Free rides…just one dollar!!!
Joe: Wow free rides for only a dollar, that is a bargain! What do I get to ride?
Man #2: Hobos! It is great exercise for them and they are off the streets ‘til
we let them go on the unsuspecting city many hours from now…oops.
John: I think we will pass.
[ Joe already jumped on one and is riding it all over the place]
Joe : This is great, it’s like riding an angry goat, only instead of him eating
tin cans, he makes a house out of them.
[The hobo jumps up violently and tries to knock him off] Nope I will
tame you by the end of this day Peaches.
Hobo: My name is Pete.
Joe: That is so cute, he’s trying to talk like people…I am bored, can we leave
now?
John: Okay, that is what I said in the first place.
James: Must you always be first [knocks down John to touch a pole] I win!!
John [dazed]: Win what?
James: The race that I told you about just four seconds ago…oh wait I just said
it in my mind…sorry.
Joe: We should find Katie.
James: OH GOD!!! We forgot about her.
Joe: I think she can handle it, she is a big girl.
[Katie is grabbing for a pole to get out of a nearby tent and is pulled back in
screaming]
James: Did you hear…?
Joe: Nope.
Scene Eleven:
”Avoiding the One Stroke Penalty”
Location: The Dayboqrx Fair
Characters: The Gang
[News trucks
circle the area and start to set up their cameras]
Joe: Wonder what’s going on over there?
James: Looks like a news broadcast.
John [mumbles]: Hope it is not about Katie’s death.
Katie: Hey guys!!
John [screams]: SEE NEWS PEOPLE, SHE ISN’T DEAD, SHE IS OKAY…YOU GOT NOTHING ON
ME!!!
[A man walks out
and begins to talk to the people]
Man: I had no idea that the fair was built on a nuclear plant or a old Indian
burial ground…mulligan, that is all I have to say.
Joe: What about the hobo rides?
Man: Two words “Mulligan.”
Katie: That’s one word.
Man: Sorry…mulli…gan…Get that camera out of my face.
Cameraman: Sir, please stop stepping in front of the lens.
Man: I just wanted to run a nice crooked fair for the people to get ripped off and
go home happ…[man motions to not use the word “happy”] …decen… A time ..I just
wanted them to have a time. MULLIGAN
DRINKING TIME HERE I COME!!!
John: I love this fair!!
Joe: Look, I found this hobo in the pen, can I keep him?
James: No!!
John: I have to agree…with Katie.
Joe: She didn’t say anything.
John [smirking]: Or did she?
Joe: No.
John: Mulligan!!
James: It’s only funny when the guy does it…
[a giant bird hits them all and knocks them down]
John: Told you.
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