“On Our Own”
Episode Thirty-Two (#1P32)
The Gang Knows a Celebrity
Written by John Painting
Scene One:
“One Sided
Argument”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Katie: So what’s on TV?
James: Well, it’s 11:30, time for some late night
comedy?
John: Sounds good to me. [he turns the TV to channel 4]
News Anchor [on TV]: Well, looks like we
have a nice day shaping up tomorrow.
Weatherman: No we don’t. Did you not here what I said? It’s gonna be pouring. I swear, you don’t respect anything I ever
say around here!
News Anchor [flustered]: Well, then, at
least sports are looking good.
Sports Anchor: No they’re not. No Dayboqrx team has ever won a game against
an outside opponent ever…since the 40’s.
You’re a jerk!
[the news cuts out and goes to “Late Night
With Aaron Parker]
Announcer: And now the man who needs no introduction, so I’m not gonna give him one!
[the music cuts out and everyone is confused as Aaron Parker walks out on stage]
[Benji enters, despite
the door being locked]
Benji: I love having the
keys to this place.
John: Get out Benji,
we’re trying to watch this.
Aaron: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? [pause] “Where’s my tractor?”. [drums to signify joke, as nobody laughs]
Joe: What the hell was
that?
John: The quality of this
show has really gone downhill.
Benji [arguing with the
TV]: That didn’t even make sense, I can’t believe you even said that!
Aaron: What do a telephone and a dog have in common? They both have collar ID.
Benji: Oh that is it…[he
starts choking the television]
John: Ummm, Benji.
Benji: Stay out of this
John, I have to teach Mr. Parker here a lesson.
OPENING CREDITS:
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes you
wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Another
Woeful Night”
Location: Lefty’s Bar
Characters: Lefty, Benji
[Lefty is seen sitting alone in the bar]
Lefty: [sighs] I can’t remember the last
time the bar was this empty.
Except…maybe…
[flashback to three years ago
Lefty:
Wow, my new bar.
[three
patrons immediately walk in]
Patron
1: Hey, gimme a beer.
end flashback]
Lefty: Yep, my bar was this empty for all of
three seconds. This really isn’t good.
[a business man walks into the bar]
Man: Hello sir, can I use your telephone?
Lefty: Telephone is for customers only.
Man: Then I’ll take a root beer.
Lefty: Root beer is for customers only.
Man: But, if I buy the root beer, then I’m a
customer.
Lefty: Listen, stop confusing me with your
circular logic.
Man: Can I please just have a root beer, and
then use your telephone?
Lefty: Hold on, my phone is ringing.
Man: No it’s not.
Lefty: I do believe it is. [he picks up the
phone] Hello? [obviously no one is on the other end, Lefty keeps talking] Yes,
I would like a million dollars.
Tomorrow…sure, no problem. [he
hangs up]
Man: Who was on the phone?
Lefty: That information is for customers
only.
Man: Fine, I’ll use the telephone in the
strip club then. [the man leaves]
Lefty: Here’s your root be…oh, he’s
gone. Damn, that was just getting fun
too. Now I can’t remember the last time
I served a customer…
[flashback to several seconds ago
Man:
Hello sir, can I use your telephone?
Lefty:
Telephone is for paying customers only.
end flashback]
Lefty: Oh, that just happened.
[Benji walks in]
Lefty: Benji, buy a beer!
Benji: I’ll take a root beer.
Lefty: Root beer is for…fine, he’s your root
beer. [he hands Benji a glass]
Benji: I’m headed to WDBX today to talk to
their station manager?
Lefty: Is this about that anti-cat show
that’s been on at three in the morning?
Benji [suddenly concerned]: WHAT?
Lefty: Forget I mentioned it. Why do you have to go to the TV station?
Benji: So I can get that damned late night
show with Aaron Parker off the air.
Lefty: Why?
Did you see last night? With the
tractor joke? [he laughs hysterically]
Benji: That didn’t make sense.
Lefty: I thought it was brilliant.
Benji: You have no concept of comedy. Me on the other hand…
Lefty: All of your jokes start with, “this
one time when Andy or Angie number whatever.”
Benji: That reminds me, there was this one
time when Andy number 65 was flying around on the fan…
Lefty: I don’t want to hear it. I need your help.
Benji: With what? [he sips his root beer and
spits it out] I know what you need my help with…fixing this root beer.
Lefty: What’s wrong with it?
Benji: It’s maple syrup.
Lefty: That could be a problem, but I need
you to come up with an idea for how to make my bar successful again.
[Benji, with a worried look on his face,
calmly backs out of the door]
Scene Three:
“Meeting of
the Minds”
Location: An office
Characters: Benji, Mr. Eric Phillips and his
receptionist
Receptionist: Okay Mr. Benji, Mr. Phillips
is ready to see you.
[Benji, the only other person in the room,
sits silently]
Receptionist: Mr. Benji?
Benji: That’s not my last name.
Receptionist: Well, your last name doesn’t
matter, your meeting is about to begin.
Benji: Fine…you’re going on my list.
Receptionist: What list? And why should I care?
Benji: Because I’m a nice person and you
pissed me off, and my enemies list.
Those are my answers…in that order.
Receptionist: I should care because “my
enemies list”?
Benji: You and your mind games.
[Benji walks into the meeting with Mr.
Phillips]
Mr. Phillips: Good day Benji, my name is Mr.
Eric Phillips, president of WDBX. It’s
very nice to meet you.
Benji: Cut the small talk. So, how’s the wife?
Mr. Phillips: The cats are fine, but I
thought you said “cut the small talk.”
Benji: Whatever. Geez, you look sleepy Mr. Phillips.
Mr. Phillips: I am tired…Brittany #75,326
kept me up meowing all night.
Benji: Yeah, tell me about it, Angie #2,502
was out on the fire escape trying to entice the Great Dane from across the
street for seven hours last night.
Mr. Phillips: What is it with cats falling
for Great Danes nowadays?
Benji: I don’t know man, it’s like an
epidemic or something.
Mr. Phillips: I almost lost Brittany #1,434,634
to a Great Dane three weeks ago.
Benji [laughs]: It must’ve been in November
or something when I almost lost all of my cats to a Great Dane.
Mr. Phillips: How did that happen?
Benji: I mistakenly let my irresponsible
neighbors watch them for the day.
Mr. Phillips: Oh, you can’t trust anybody
but yourself with your babies.
Benji: I KNOW!
Mr. Phillips: So, why did you come down here
in the first place?
Benji: I’m here to talk to you about your
late night programming, namely “Late Night with Aaron Parker.”
Mr. Phillips: What seems to be the trouble
with it?
Benji: Well, he’s a terrible comedian, his
jokes make no sense, and last night I caught him trying to eat a hamburger in
the middle of a joke.
Mr. Phillips: That was the joke…it was a ham
burger.
Benji: That doesn’t even make sense, and
coming from me, so I’ve been told, that’s a really bad thing.
Mr. Phillips: Do you think you could do any
better, sir?
Benji: Of course I can. There was this one time when Andy number 65
was flying around on the fan…
Mr. Phillips [laughing hysterically]: That’s
enough, you’re hired and Mr. Parker is fired.
When can you start?
Benji: Well, I’ve got some good
material. I can start tonight.
Mr. Phillips: Sounds good.
[they shake hands]
Scene Four:
“Flashes of
Brilliance”
Location: Lefty’s Apartment
Characters: Lefty, his homemade robot Mr.
Wireface
[Lefty is sitting on his couch watching
television, sitting next to what appears to be a homemade robot]
Lefty: I’m losing money by the second, Mr.
Wireface. What am I gonna do?
Mr. Wireface [robotic voice]: I want a beer.
Lefty: Thank God, that’ll be five hundred
dollars.
Mr. Wireface: I want a beer.
Lefty: I’m getting you one, but you owe me
five hundred dollars.
Mr. Wireface: I want a beer.
Lefty: Is that all you can say?
Mr. Wireface: I want a beer.
Lefty: I don’t know why I asked that, I
programmed you so you would say that anytime anybody said anything.
Mr. Wireface: I want a beer.
Lefty: SHUT UP!
Mr. Wireface: I want a…
[Lefty chokes the robot, spending thirty
seconds beating it, and eventually destroying it]
Lefty: You want a what? Didn’t think so! [long silence] I forgot,
you’re my only customer…damn.
[the phone rings]
Lefty: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello there, I’m calling on behalf of the Dayboqrx Telephone Company.
Lefty: Not you
again.
Telemarketer: I’m here to talk to you about your toner needs.
Lefty: Why would the phone company sell me
toner?
Telemarketer: We’re branching out.
Lefty: Why?
Isn’t phones enough?
Telemarketer: You’d think so, but it’s not.
Lefty: Listen, I
need your help.
Telemarketer: This is out of the ordinary.
Lefty: You know
what’s out of the ordinary? The phone
company selling me toner, I don’t even own a printer…and I don’t even own a
phone.
Telemarketer: Then what am I talking to you
on?
Lefty:
Kitten. Meow.
Telemarketer: That was you making that noise.
Lefty: You got
me, it’s really a puppy. Arf.
Telemarketer: Sir, stop it.
Lefty: YOU STOP IT!
Telemarketer: In all my five days as a telemarketer, I’ve never met a single person who bothered me as much as you.
Lefty: Maybe you
should stop sucking then.
Telemarketer: But this is a really good lollipop.
Lefty: Wow, I
haven’t had a really good lollipop in a long time, where’d you get it?
Telemarketer: At Phil’s Lollipop Hut on 300th
and Tragedy.
Lefty: I’ll have
to make a note of that.
Telemarketer: So, how ‘bout that toner?
Lefty: I thought
you were selling me lollipops.
Telemarketer: Ummm, no…this was always about toner.
Lefty: But you
work for the phone company.
Telemarketer: Let’s not go back to this again.
Lefty: No, I
think we should.
Telemarketer: This may be a first, but I’m hanging up on you. [he hangs up]
Lefty [as he hangs up the phone]: That just
gave me a great idea!
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Fire Up the
VCR For This One”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang (Benji and Dr. Johnson
are on TV)
Katie: Does it worry you that we haven’t
seen Benji all day?
John: Nope.
James: Not at all.
Joe: Of course not.
Random Person: Just a little.
Katie: Me nei…wait, who the hell are you?
Random Person: That question will be
answered shortly.
[the Random Person gets up and leaves]
Joe: Nice guy.
James: He sure was.
John: I’m gonna miss him.
Katie: WHO WAS THAT?
John: How the hell should I know?
Joe: I thought you knew him Katie.
James: I didn’t even know there was somebody
there.
Katie: In any case, Benji left this morning
to talk to the TV station guy, and he never came back.
John: Does this mean we’re gonna have to
watch the cats?
[ James and Joe shudder simultaneously]
Katie: Before we watch the cats, I think we
should watch TV.
John: Makes sense.
[ John turns the TV on to channel 4]
News Anchor: To avoid a repeat of last night, I will not be opening my big mouth.
Weather Man: Good stupid.
News Anchor: Oh, that’s it!
[the News Anchor attacks the Weather Man as
the news fades out]
Voice Over: Due to suckiness, Aaron Parker
was fired today as host of the late night talk show…he has been replaced
by…[the screen shows Benji holding a microphone upside-down, smiling, with his
eyes closed] BENJI!
John: OH DEAR GOD!
James: Get the VCR working, we need to tape
this!
Katie [holding a tape]: I’m going as fast as
I can.
[the Gang gets the tape working as Benji
walks out on stage]
Benji: Good morning DAYBOQRX!
Voice in the Audience: It’s 11:30 at night.
Benji: I knew that. Welcome to the first late night show ever to
be held live in Dayboqrx, and as a result, there are five people in the
audience. Anyway, I’d like to introduce
my new band, The Cats!
Band Leader: We’re not being paid enough for
this.
Benji: Anyway, we’ve got a great show for
you tonight. We’ve got Dayboqrx Mayor
Candidate Uhdulph Heetlar here. [the small audience claps] We’ve also got professor of cosmology at
Dayboqrx University, Dr. Bill Johnson here!
James: Funny how
the only guests he could get were friends of his.
John: I’m pissed he didn’t invite us then.
Katie: Why?
John: I don’t know.
Benji: But first, the monologue…so, this one time, Andy number thirty-four was pretending to be a dog.
Band Leader: And?
Benji: That was it.
Voice in the Audience: That was terrible.
Benji: My first guest is Uhdulph Heetlar.
[Dr. Johnson walks on stage]
Benji: Bill, what are you doing here?
Dr. Johnson: Uhdulph couldn’t make it, he’s
too busy practicing dancing, so I figured I should come out and try to pretend
to be him. [he puts a fake small
mustache on] Look good?
Benji: Nope. This is gonna be a disaster.
Dr. Johnson: Hi, I’m Uhdulph Heetlar!
Band Leader: No you’re not.
Benji: We’ll be right back.
Band Leader: I can see you’re new at
this…you can’t go to commercial until that red warning light goes on.
[Benji walks over to the technician]
Benji: Can you turn that red warning light
on now, please?
Technician: It’s on a timer, I can’t do anything
about this.
Dr. Johnson: I’m running for mayor. Vote for me!
Benji: Not now Bill!
Dr. Johnson: Uhdulph!
Katie: Betcha
he’s rethinking the live thing now.
John: I think he’s got a knack for this
comedy thing, I mean, it is an act, right?
[Benji falls into a curtain, causing the
stage to fall apart]
James: Nope.
Scene Six:
“Stand Up”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
[The clock reads 12:30 AM]
John: Well, that was a disaster.
Katie: I don’t know, it wasn’t that
bad. The interview with Dr. Johnson
wasn’t that bad.
James: Only that Dr. Johnson was pretending
to be Uhdulph Heetlar for the first half of the show.
John: Benji should be home by 1:30, think we
should talk to him about it?
Joe: I say we go to sleep, and talk to him
tomorrow.
James: Sleep is much better than talking to
Benji.
Katie: I agree, I’m heading to sleep right
now.
John: I suppose I should to…we don’t want
him to think we’re awake or anything, then he’ll just come barging in here.
Joe: He does that anyway in the middle of
the night.
[the phone rings]
John: I’ll get it, you three go ahead. [he
picks the phone up] Hello?
Lefty: John? It’s Lefty, I’ve got an idea.
[ John presses
the button for speaker phone, and covers the mouthpiece as he calls out to the
gang]
John: No, wait guys, we need to here
this! Go ahead Lefty.
Lefty: Well, as you know, my bar hasn’t been doing so well business-wise lately, and I almost had to evict you and sell the building.
John: I didn’t know that at all.
Lefty: Oh well…good news, that doesn’t have to happen,
if this new idea of mine works out.
John: Oh God, what is it?
Lefty: I’m going to turn the bar into a
half-bar/half-comedy club.
John: You had this same idea a long time ago.
Lefty: I know, but that was right after you both botched
up the musician idea. That’s right
James, I’d talking about you too.
James: How did he know I was listening?
Lefty: I do now.
James [under his breath]: Damn it.
Lefty: Don’t think I didn’t hear that, you said “I hate
Lefty.”
John: That’s not even close to what he said.
Lefty: AHA! So
you admit it!?!
John: Listen, if you want to open up a comedy club, go ahead, we’re not gonna stop you.
Lefty: Well, that’s where you come in.
John: Uh oh.
Katie: Uh oh.
James: Uh oh.
Joe: I’m gonna be a rebel and say “oh uh.”
Lefty: Way to be a rebel John.
Joe: I’m Joe.
Lefty: Sure you are John.
John: Lefty, that was Joe.
Lefty: Listen Katie…
John: Excuse me??
Katie [laughing hysterically]: He called you a girl!
John: He thinks you sound like I do.
[Katie stops laughing]
Lefty: Anyway, now that we’re
all off-track, I need you to do a couple of twenty minute comedy sets for me.
Joe: You know what, I kinda like this idea.
Lefty: Okay, so John’s in.
John: THAT WAS JOE!
Lefty: Katie’s in.
Katie: Thanks a lot John!
Lefty: Wait a minute, was that Katie?
James: Yes it was.
Lefty: Good, then James is in.
James: Ah crap.
John: At least he got your name right.
Lefty: And now Joe is in.
John: I thought I was Katie.
Joe [confused]: I thought you were John.
Lefty: Talk to you tomorrow! [he hangs up]
John: That all gave me a headache.
Katie: Tonight can’t get worse.
[Benji bursts in]
Benji: Hey guys, we need to spend about three hours discussing how I
did on my show tonight!
John: Oh yes it can.
Scene Seven:
“Time to Get
the Office Pool Ready”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
Joe: So I just got done talking to Lefty.
John: What’d he say?
Joe: Well, first he called me James several
times.
James [sarcastically]: Because we look so
similar.
John: It’s Lefty, he’s blind, whaddaya want?
Joe: Him not to be blind anymore, anyway, he
told me that if all four of us set up a half-hour routine, then he’d give us
60% of the profit.
John: Wow, that’s extremely generous for
Lefty.
Joe: I meant point 60%.
James: That sounds about right for Lefty.
Joe: I think we should do it.
Katie: Our house is on the line…again.
John: I really wish he’d stop threatening us
with taking our house away.
Katie: If you’d have all listened to me that
first day, we could’ve had that beautiful mansion place.
James: What beautiful mansion place?
Katie: See, you never listen to me.
John: No really Katie, you never told us
about any mansion.
Katie: Psshh, like I’m gonna tell you now.
Joe: Anyway, I say we do it.
John: Yeah, I’m in. Might be fun to try to do stand up.
James: Fine, I guess I’ll do it to.
Katie [grudgingly]: I guess I’ll do it to.
John: Now to more pressing matters, Benji’s
show is almost on.
James: Hey, I’ve got a pretty good idea.
John: If it’s anything like one of Lefty’s
ideas, I don’t wanna hear it.
James: I say we should each enter five
dollars into, like, an office pool, and we all pick when we think Benji’s show
is gonna get cancelled, and whoever comes closest wins all twenty dollars.
[ John laughs hysterically]
Joe: John, why are you laughing?
John: Because it’s funny.
Katie [slapping five dollars on the table]:
Give me next Thursday.
Joe [putting his money in]: I call tomorrow.
James: John, you in?
John [putting money in]: I’ve got next
Tuesday.
James [also putting money into the pile]:
And I’m taking Monday. This oughtta be
fun.
John: Joe, it’s 11:30, put the show on.
[ Joe turns the TV to channel 4]
Announcer: And now, unfortunately, Benji.
[Benji stumbles onto the stage, after getting
trapped in the curtains]
Benji: Hello, and welcome to tonight’s
show. I’m Benji!
[a light crashes down next to Benji]
John: This is
gonna get interesting.
Benji [with no material]: Cut to commercial please.
[about twenty seconds pass]
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“Compe-freakin’-tition”
Location: Lefty’s Bar and Comedy Club
Characters: The Gang, Lefty, Benji
Lefty [on stage]: Hey everybody, welcome to
the grand opening of the comedy club half of Lefty’s Bar. [loud applause] And now the comedy of Joe Termine.
[ Joe walks out on stage]
Joe: What’s the deal with Dayboqrx?
[everybody laughs hysterically]
Joe: I mean, really? Why is it always raining?
[more hysterical laughing]
Joe: This one time, when me and my friend
John were walking to the nearby subway stop, a rain cloud came down from the
sky, and sprayed us in the face!
[camera pans to John, soaked]
John: Joe, that was ten minutes ago
[the audience laughs even more hysterically,
John sneezes]
John: That’s not funny, I’m getting sick
now.
[more laughter]
[Benji walks in, depressed]
Lefty: Hey, it’s Benji. How’s my favorite talk show host doing?
Benji: If I don’t have a good show tomorrow,
they’re gonna cancel me.
James [overhearing, and whispering to
Katie]: What day is tomorrow?
Katie [whispering back]: Tuesday.
James [whispering]: And who had Tuesday?
Katie [whispering]: John did.
James [yelling]: CRAP!
Joe [angry]: Excuse me Mr. Achaia, is my
comedy not good enough for you?
James: Nah, you’re jokes are fine, I’m mad
that John is gonna win the office pool instead of me.
Benji: What kind of office pool?
Katie [not realizing she’s talking to
Benji]: Oh, we all just put money in and guessed what day we thought Benji’s
show would be…[she realizes who she’s talking to]…breaking…ummm…the network’s
rating’s records.
James: Smooth.
Benji: Thanks guys, you’re really good
friends, but I think I’m not gonna be breaking any records, I’m just gonna be
getting cancelled.
Katie: Well, you could always get some
attraction and postpone that canceling to, say…Thursday.
Benji: Like, say, a comedy act?
James: That could work, I guess.
Benji [yelling]: HEY JOE!
Joe: Damn it Benji, I’m in the middle of
something here.
Benji: I will give you fifty dollars to do
comedy on my show tomorrow night!
Lefty [interrupting]: Hey, wait a
minute. You can’t do that. These guys are under contract.
Joe: I never signed any contract.
Lefty: I believe you signed the penthouse
contract.
Joe: The penthouse contract allows me to do
comedy for anybody at anytime. It’s
clause number 23.
Lefty: Damn, I really have to stop adding
that clause to my contracts.
Benji: So, will you do it?
Joe: Of course.
[ Joe leaves with Benji and Lefty walks on
stage]
Lefty: GET THEM BACK HERE!
[everybody in the bar chases after Joe and Benji,
excluding the rest of the gang]
Scene Nine:
“Who Had
Wednesday?”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: Katie, John, and James (Benji
and Joe on TV)
John [turning the TV on]: It’s Tuesday
night, if he gets cancelled in tonight’s episode, I win the twenty dollars.
James: I don’t think Joe will be helping him
get cancelled, he got fifty bucks for this.
Katie:
Damn it…he’d better not screw up Thursday for me!
Announcer [on TV]: And tonight, possibly the final episode, of Benji.
John: God I hope so…you know, because twenty dollars is obviously much more important than Benji’s feelings, right?
[ James and Katie make sounds of agreement]
James [under his breath]: Asshole.
John: I heard that!
[The camera pans to the audience, there are all of ten
people in the audience]
Benji [on TV]: Hey everybody. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Joe Termine is here!
Voice in the Audience: Who’s that?
Benji: A comedian and a friend of mine.
[Nine of the ten people leave]
Benji: Joe, get out here!
[ Joe runs out on stage]
Joe: Thank you Benji, it’s good to be here.
[Benji punches Joe hard in the arm]
Joe: What the f…
Benji [yelling]: SHHHH!!!! We’re on live!
Joe: Then why’d you punch me?
Benji: Because I just wanted to yell “We’re on live”
while I have the chance.
John [sarcastically]: Smooth tactic Benji, that oughtta get you ratings.
Benji: Start your act right now.
Joe: Okay. So
what’s the deal with Dayboqrx?
One Person in Audience: It’s a city.
Joe: Yeah, but why is it always raining or snowing?
Person: Because the person in the mountain controls our
weather, and he’s really depressed and lonely.
Joe [now flustered]: Well, this one day…
Person: You know, I don’t want to hear it. [he leaves]
[a box pops up on the screen: “This show has been
cancelled”]
John: I WIN!
Katie [holding a clock]: It’s 12:01, it’s Wednesday. I win.
John: How do you win, you picked Thursday?
Katie: We’re closer to Thursday than Tuesday, so I win.
John: How, we’re one minute away from Tuesday, and almost twenty-four hours from Thursday?
Katie: Do not question the Great One’s decision.
James: She has a point.
John: SHE DOES NOT!
Katie: Fine, cry about it.
[ John breaks down in pretend tears]
James: Geez, he’s taking it pretty hard.
Katie [holding the twenty dollars]: Sweet victory!
Scene Ten:
“Comedic
Withdrawal”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John and Joe
[ John is seen sleeping in his room when he
wakes up, hearing voices]
John: What the hell?
[ John proceeds carefully into the living
room to see Joe talking to nobody]
Joe: So what’s the deal with not being able
to leave Dayboqrx?
John: Joe, it’s 4 AM, what are you doing?
Joe: I mean, what are they afraid of?
John: And who are you talking to?
Joe [startled by John]: When did you get
here?
John: Like ten seconds ago, what are you
doing?
Joe: Lefty shut down the comedy club.
John: Why?
Joe: Because I don’t have [air quotes]
“original material.”
John: Yeah, you really do go on and on with
“What’s the deal with Dayboqrx?” stuff.
Joe: Is that bad?
John: You got any other material?
Joe: Well, I have “What’s the deal with
North Dayboqrx?” Is that okay?
John: It’s certainly no better.
Joe: “What’s the deal with East Dayboqrx?”
John: Sorry Joe.
Joe: Well, it’s just hard to be the best
comedian in Dayboqrx, unable to find work.
John: Well, you’re certainly better than
Aaron Parker, and especially Benji.
Joe [thinking aloud]: Maybe I should get my
own late night show…
John: Well, as much as I don’t wanna go
through more of a late night fiasco, you’re the most qualified person I know. Just work on that material.
Joe: What’s wrong with it?
John: It’s all the same.
Joe: That’s not true.
John: Yes it is. It’s all about what’s the deal with Dayboqrx.
Joe: Not that joke about peanuts.
John: What joke about peanuts?
Joe: Well, what’s the deal with peanuts from
Dayboqrx? It’s almost like it’s raining
there all the time or something……oh wait…
John [interrupting]: I’m going back to bed.
Joe [as John leaves]: IT IS!
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
“Lather,
Rinse, Repeat”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Joe: John, is the door locked?
John: Yes.
[Benji bursts in]
John: I meant no, I forgot.
Benji: Hey guys, put channel 5
on.
Katie: Why?
Benji: Just do it.
[Katie turns the TV to channel
5]
Announcer: And now, due to lack of programming, a rerun of the recently cancelled talk show “Benji.”
James: Why would they ever put
your show in syndication?
Benji [on TV]: Anyway, we’ve got a
great show for you tonight. We’ve got
Dayboqrx Mayor Candidate Uhdulph Heetlar here. [the small audience claps] We’ve also got professor of cosmology at
Dayboqrx University, Dr. Bill Johnson here!
Benji:
Oh goodie! It’s my first episode!
Benji [on TV]: But first, the monologue…so, this one time, Andy number thirty-four was pretending to be a dog.
Band Leader: And?
Benji [on TV]:
That was it.
Benji:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That wasn’t funny!
John:
It was your joke!
Benji:
Somebody should really get this guy cancelled, I’m gonna have a meeting with
their TV operations guy tomorrow.
[The
Gang groans]
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