“On Our Own”
Episode Twenty-One (#1P21)
The Gang Searches for Clues
Written by John Painting
Scene One:
“They Did it in Panama and Suez”
Location:
The Penthouse
Characters:
The Gang, Benji
Katie:
Okay, okay, okay…guys, I have a game we can play!
Joe:
Is this gonna be the “guess how many fingers I’m holding up game turned fiasco”
again?
James:
Please no, I swear, she had FOUR FINGERS UP!
Joe:
IT WAS FIVE!
Katie:
Shut up!!! Now, guess what word I’m
thinking of, I’ll give you a hint, it starts with the letter C.
Benji:
Cats?
Katie:
No.
Benji:
Cat, singular?
Katie:
Nope.
Benji:
Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat-cat-cat, cat, cat, cat-cat-cat-cat-cat, cat,
cat?
Katie:
Closer.
John:
Okay, do we need to break out the dictionary for this?
Katie:
Maybe.
[
John opens a dictionary to a random page]
John:
Is it canalize?
Katie:
Nope…give up, it’s CANALIZE!
[
James is dialing the phone]
James: Don’t
worry, I’m already calling the hearing doctor.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Perfect Square: Such is Benji”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
James:
Hey guys?
John:
What is it, James?
James:
Dr. Johnson just called, said something about a final exam tomorrow.
Katie:
Who cares, it’s a Dr. Johnson test, remember the midterm?
Joe:
What midterm?
John:
The one we all panicked about and he ended up burning the tests anyway.
Katie:
John, that was my story.
John:
No, I laid claim to it right after it happened. See, I have it here in writing.
[he pulls out a sheet of paper]
Katie
[reading from the paper]: “This certificate denotes the owner shall receive one
free sandwich from The Sandwich Hut.”
John:
Keep reading…
Katie:
And it looks like you scrawled on the bottom, “I also own the rights to the
midterm test story.”
John:
Exactly, now will you be paying me in cash or check?
Katie:
Cash I suppose. [she hands him a $20
bill]
John:
Money well spent.
[Benji
walks in]
Benji:
GUESS WHAT EVERYBODY!
Joe:
You’re moving? Far, far away?
Benji:
No, silly goose…
Joe:
The correct phrase is “silly boots.”
James:
No, that’s “sly boots.”
John:
IT’S NEITHER!
Benji:
Anyway, I drew a perfect square on this napkin, isn’t that fantastic?
Katie:
Not really.
Benji:
Anyway, will you be paying me in cash or check?
John:
Pay you for what?
Benji:
Didn’t you tell me that if I was ever able to draw a perfect shape, you would
give me twenty dollars?
James:
I should hope not.
Katie:
Actually, I did make that bet with Benji a while back, so he would stop
bothering me. John, can I borrow twenty
dollars?
John:
What for?
Katie:
Pay off Benji.
John:
Fine, but you owe me. [he hands Katie
the $20 bill, who then gives it to Benji]
Benji:
YES!!! Real money…time to buy me some sneakers! [he runs face first into the
door]
Joe:
Doors that open with your mind haven’t been invented yet.
Benji
[from the ground and in pain]: Now you tell me.
Katie:
Why would you assume we had an auto-door?
Benji:
Well, there was this commercial in my dream about them.
[flashback
to Benji’s dream from the night before:
Benji [voiceover]: We’ll return to “I Love Katie” in just a
moment, but first, a word from our sponsor, Auto-Doors.
Announcer: Ever strain your back trying to open a doorknob?
Man in Commercial: No.
Announcer: Of course you have.
Man: What did I just say?
Announcer: With the new invention from the Shabbadop Corporation,
you’ll never eat solid food again. It’s
called “The Bone Crush-a-Nator.”
Man [nervous]: What does that have to do with doorknobs?
Announcer: Sorry, I was reading from the wrong script, but I’m
gonna continue anyway…The Bone Crush-a-Nator is not your average kill
machine. Each precision pound brings
about seventeen metric tons of force.
Now that’s a lot of kill power.
Man: Wow, but still, I can’t get this door open.
Announcer: What’s that…you want to kill your enemies? Look no further than the Bone Crush-a-Nator…
end
flashback]
Benji:
That’s when my dream cut out.
John:
What does that have to do with auto-doors?
Benji:
Who cares, I’m gonna buy me some Bone Crush-a-Nator’s, then maybe some sneakers
on the way back.
Scene Three:
“Seven Claps Means Hello”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
John: What do you think things are gonna be like not having Dr. Johnson for a class?
James: Probably
less insane, and more sane.
John: Good call.
[a knock is
heard at the door]
Katie: Who is
it?
[sounds of shoes
clapping together is heard outside]
Joe [walking to
the door]: I used to speak sneaker. [he puts his ear to the door to get a
better listen] Bring me the money for
the crab cakes? What’s that supposed to
mean?
Katie [stuffing
her mouth with crab cakes]: Don’t let him in!!!
Joe: Wait, I got
it wrong, all he said was “It’s Benji.”
Katie: Oh, him
you can let in………wait, NO, don’t let him in!!!
[Benji walks in
with his new sneakers on his hands]
James: You know,
Benji, those usually go on your feet.
[Benji claps his
hands/shoes together twelve times]
Joe: He says “thank
you.”
James
[confused]: Uh, you’re welcome, I think.
John: So, where
did you get the new sneakers?
[Benji claps
twice]
Joe: He says
“yes.”
John: That
wasn’t a yes or no question.
[Benji claps
frantically in John’s face for about ten seconds]
Joe: Wow, that
made no sense, he said “for the record, the bird flies with the stone several
times in order to make the trek from South Africa to the Philippines by sundown
on the 29th of January, and I just swallowed my gum.”
[Benji claps
thirteen times]
Joe: He says
“that’s exactly what I meant to say.”
Katie: Let me
get this straight, twelve claps means “thank you,” and thirteen means “that’s
exactly what I meant to say”?
Joe: Loosely
translated, yes.
Katie: What a crazy language.
[Benji claps
twelve times]
Joe: He says
“you knows it.”
Katie: But that
was twelve claps…?
Joe: Yes, I
know.
Katie: But,
twelve claps is “thank you.”
Joe: In context…
Katie: Oh…wow,
this is really confusing.
[Benji claps
frantically in Katie’s face for about five seconds]
Katie: I hate to
ask what that means.
Joe: He says “I
just want to let you all know that I no longer feel welcome here, and that I’m
going to leave because you all make me fall bad.”
[Benji claps
three times]
Joe: Sorry, feel
bad.
John: How are we
making you feel bad? You’re the one
communicating with sneakers on your feet.
[Benji claps
frantically in John’s face for ten seconds]
Joe: Again, the
flying bird comment.
James: What is
that even supposed to mean?
[Benji claps
once softly]
Joe: He says “it
means exactly what you want it to mean.”
John: All that
in one clap?
[Benji storms
out clapping softly]
Joe: That was
just mumbling.
Scene Four:
“Forced Into Aid”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Lefty
Katie: Do you
think Benji was serious when he said he was leaving?
Joe: I don’t
think he’s actually leaving, I think he just meant that he was leaving the room
so we wouldn’t bother him anymore.
John: When in
all actuality, it’s the other way around.
Joe: What, you
mean that we left??? You’re not making
sense John.
John: No, no,
no, that he’s bothering us.
James: Not to
him he’s not.
[the phone
rings]
James: I got it,
this better not be Dr. Johnson again. [he picks up the phone] Hello?
Dr. Johnson:
James?
James: Ah crap, it is Dr. Johnson.
Dr. Johnson:
Hello to you too.
James: What do you want Dr. Johnson?
Dr. Johnson:
Who’s Dr. Johnson?
James: Ummm, you are?
Dr. Johnson:
That’s preposterous, I’m a kidnapper.
James: That doesn’t change the fact that you still could be Dr. Johnson.
Dr. Johnson: Silence, I’m calling to inform you that I have kidnapped Benji and am holding him for ransom.
James: Okay, thanks. [he goes to hang up the phone]
Dr. Johnson:
WAIT!!!
James: What is it?
Dr. Johnson:
Don’t you want to rescue him or something?
James: Well, he could use the stress of a kidnapping. Especially since I can tell that this is Dr. Johnson, Benji’s best friend, who kidnapped him.
Dr. Johnson:
Stop confusing me with your corporation games!
James: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Dr. Johnson:
Give me the money?
James: Are you asking me or ordering me? Since you never told me how much ransom, how am I supposed to know how much money to give you?
Dr. Johnson: More with the freakin’ corporation games.
James: What’s a corporation game?
Dr. Johnson: Do not talk to Mumbutu this way!
James: Okay Dr. Bill Johnson, who’s Mumbutu? And what the hell is a corporation game?
Dr. Johnson: I am Mumbutu of the planet…[pauses to think]…Earth! And a corporation game is a game played by a corporation, such as yourself.
[ James hangs up]
John: Considering I only heard half of that conversation, let me just say that I’m completely and totally lost.
James: So am I, and I heard all of it.
Katie: Who was it?
James: Dr. Johnson.
Katie: What did he want?
James: He kidnapped Benji, probably to see if we’d help or not.
[a knock is heard at the door]
Katie: I got it. [she opens it up and it’s Lefty]
Lefty: Yeah guys, we need to go find Benji, and by we, I mean you four.
John: Why, all he does is bother us all the time?
Lefty: Do you really want your friend in the hands of a dangerous criminal?
James: It’s his best friend Dr. Johnson, it’s just a game.
Lefty: Nonetheless, if you don’t follow the clues, I will be forced to evict you.
Joe: WHAT?
Lefty: Well, Benji said he’d give me twenty dollars if I forced you guys to do it, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to play in his game…I mean…very……serious………predicament.
John: Fine…where do we have to go first?
Lefty: This note that the kidnapper must have conveniently left in Benji’s penthouse says you must head to the subway station, and work from there.
John: Oh great…this oughtta be fun.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“You’re In My Sight Line!”
Location: 80th Street Subway Stop
Characters: The Gang, Lefty
Katie [singing]:
Why the hell do we have to help Benji, all he ever does is bother us…he’s
such a jerk forcing us to do this, and I could be sitting at home right now.
Joe: Catchy song, who wrote it?
Katie: Mel
Torme?
John: That’s
what you said about that other song a long time ago.
Katie: Really,
gee, you must have some memory.
John: Thanks,
it’s a gift.
James: Wasn’t
that my MasChrist gift to you this year?
John: Nope.
James: Are you
sure?
John: Yes.
James: But…are
you sure?
John: YES!
James: That
didn’t sound very sure.
Katie [still
singing]: Hurry up, you stupid 8 train…I’m so damn sick and tired, of
waiting for you, every day.
John: That was
much less catchy than the last song.
Katie: John, you
have nothing to say about things that are catchy, remember that time you
dropped that thing?
[flashback
Katie: John, CATCH!
[Katie throws a flaming hoop at
John, he avoids it, and it sets the couch on fire]
Katie: Oh, good catch, Einstein!
end flashback]
John: Yeah, why
did you throw that flaming hoop at me?
Katie: It was a
test…of the emergency broadcasting system.
[she begins emitting an annoying loud pitch noise]
Joe: Katie, stop
it, you’re not helping.
[she stops]
Joe: Thank you.
Katie: If that
were an actual emergency, I would have to ask you all to protect me somehow.
James: Why are
we even here anyway?
John: Our
penthouse depends on it.
James: I’m sick
and tired of Lefty forcing us to do things for him. It’s really annoying.
Joe: I don’t
know, this could be really fun, we’re like detectives and stuff.
Katie: All in
favor of quitting and going home, raise your hand.
[all four hands
go up]
John: Joe, I
thought you said this could be really fun?
Joe: Yeah, but
that doesn’t mean I’ll want to do it.
John: Anyway, we
have to, because Lefty’s over there watching us, pretending to read the
newspaper.
[camera pans to
Lefty hiding his face behind a newspaper]
Lefty [hiding
behind the paper]: I’M NOT LEFTY, I’M GOOBLESTEIN!
James: Lefty,
that name didn’t even make sense.
[Lefty throws
the newspaper away]
Lefty: Eh, I’m
done with this newspaper. [he looks
directly at the gang] Oh crap, I forgot.
[he hides against the wall]
John: Lefty, we
can still see you.
Lefty: Who’s
Lefty, I’m the wall…80 80 80 80 80…
Katie: The wall
doesn’t say the name of the street this stop is on out loud, it just shows it,
in text and such…
Lefty: 80.
John: Lefty, why
are you forcing us to do this?
Lefty: 80?
John: Oh for God
sakes, then we’re leaving.
[the gang walks
up the staircase marked “EXIT”]
Lefty: NO, 80!!!
80!!!!
[a piece of
paper falls in front of the gang, marked “READ THIS: IT’S A CLUE”]
Joe: Should we
read it?
James: It seems
to think we should.
Joe: I don’t
like listening to pushy pieces of paper.
John: What does
it say?
James: John, we
clearly haven’t decided if we should read it or not.
John: Fine, I’ll
read it. [he rips it from James’ hand]
James: NO!!! WE
HAVEN’T DECIDED YET!!!
John: It says,
“get on the next train, and ride it to 213th St/Dayboqrx University,
then head to the soccer fields.”
Katie: And if we
don’t?
John: “And if
you don’t, I will be forced to evict you from your penthouse, Signed, 80.”
James: Fine,
let’s just go…
Scene Six:
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!!”
Location: Dayboqrx University Soccer Field
Characters: The Gang, Dayboqrx Xtreme Soccer Team
John: Well,
we’re here at the soccer fields, and I don’t see anybody.
Katie: Do you
see anymore clues?
John: No…wait,
what’s that?
James: A soccer
net. John, are you alright?
John: I mean on
the soccer net.
Joe: It’s
netting John, you’re acting like you’ve never seen netting before.
John: Taped to
the goalpost!
Katie: Some type
of clue, it seems.
John: Thank you.
Joe: John, I
don’t see anything. [long pause] Wait,
EVERYBODY, I FOUND A CLUE…IT’S TAPED TO THE GOALPOST!!!
John: I said
that already.
Katie: It’s
true, he did.
James: I didn’t
hear him.
Joe: Okay, it’s
two on two, how are we gonna settle this?
John: How about
we just read the note?
Joe: But…we need
to settle this first. Might I suggest a
race around the soccer field?
John: You’re on.
[ John and Joe
line up at midfield, prepared to race around the perimeter of the field]
Katie: Okay
guys, standard rules…you know, first one back here wins. Ready…set…GO!
[they begin
running]
James: So, what
does the note say?
Katie: Who
cares, this is much more interesting.
[ John pulls
into a slight lead over Joe]
John: Hey Joe,
look over there.
[ Joe pauses to
look]
John: Ha,
SUCKER!!
Joe: Wow, thanks
for pointing that out, you really saved me there buddy.
[a giant bird
collides into John, knocking him over]
John [on the
ground in pain]: Oh damn it, this isn’t good.
[ Joe takes the
lead]
Joe: Ha,
SUCKER!!!
[seconds later,
Joe wins]
James: It’s
official, Joe found the clue.
Joe: What does
it say anyway?
Katie [reading
the clue]: “For your first mission, you will be required to defeat the Dayboqrx
University soccer team in a ten minute match…if you win, you will receive your
next clue.”
James: How are
we gonna beat a full soccer team of eleven players with just three of us?
Joe: Three??? Oh
right.
John [still on
the ground]: I’m alright guys, really, thanks for your concern.
Katie: Did you
hear something?
Joe: Nope.
Soccer Player:
It’s go time!!!
[suddenly, all
11 soccer players appear on the field]
Katie: Alright,
I’ll play goalie, you two play the field.
James: Sounds
like a plan.
[ James wins the
face-off, and he and Joe succeed in holding possession of the ball for nine
minutes straight]
Katie: Wow, this
is boring. DO SOMETHING!
Joe: Time’s
running out, think we should try to score?
James: Maybe.
[they bring the
ball up-field, just ten seconds are on the clock]
Joe: Shoot now!
[ James shoots
and misses completely…thankfully, the ball caroms off John, who’s still on the
ground, and into the net as time expires]
James: Wow, that
was lucky.
John: I’M IN
MORE PAIN NOW!
Joe: Oh well,
take one for the team.
Soccer Player: I
guess we just proved why we’re last in the conference…anyway, you’re next clue
is this, you must report to the headquarters of WDBX television, and visit the
news…they’ll tell you what to do.”
Katie: Okay,
let’s go.
[they leave John
laying on the ground]
John: Guys,
little help! [long pause] Guys???
COMMERCIAL
Scene Seven:
“WDBX Action News”
Location: WDBX News Station
Characters: The Gang, Studio Workers, Chilly the Thermometer
James
[announcing to the newsroom]: Well, we’re here!
Studio Worker
#1: Who the hell are you? And why
should we care?
Joe: The note
told us to visit the news and that you’d tell us what to do.
Studio Worker
#1: I don’t know anythin’ about no note.
Katie: Well, the
note said to come here and we did.
Studio Worker
#1: Okay, but you’re gonna have to leave, the six o’clock news is startin’.
James: Wow, it’s
six o’clock already…time sure does fly when you’re following clues all around
the city.
Joe: Too bad we
have no clue who left the note for us to come here.
Studio Worker
#2: Did you just say something about a note?
Joe: Yes?
Studio Worker
#2: Are you the four that they call, “the gang?”
James: Yes.
Studio Worker
#1: Can’t you see that there are three of them?
[ John stumbles
in with an ice pack taped to his head]
James: Oh, you
made it, we were worried about you.
John: If you
were really worried about me, you wouldn’t have left me lying on the soccer
field like that.
James: Yes we
would’ve.
Studio Worker
#2: Anyway, you’re next task is to host the news today.
Katie: What?
Studio Worker
#2: Yeah, we’ve been given direct orders by the head of the station that two of
you need to play the part of anchors, one of you does the weather, and one of
you covers sports.
James: I call
weather.
John: I call
sports!
Katie and Joe
[simultaneously]: Damn.
[time passes]
Studio Worker
#1: Places people, show starts in three, two, one…
[news intro:
Voice:
Since the news never stops, even if we try really really hard, it just keeps
happening. I mean, what gives? Really now, let’s try to stop the news…I’m gonna
call an emergency meeting of the…[the voice cuts out and the news begins
revealing Joe and Katie arguing at the news desk]
end intro]
Joe: What do you
think the next clue will be?
Katie: Hello,
and welcome to WDBX Action News, I’m Katie Stalin.
Joe: And I’m Joe
Termine, and here are today’s top stories.
[ Katie and Joe
stare blankly at the camera for a couple of seconds]
Katie: And now
the weather, with James Achaia.
James: Thanks
Katie, hello everyone. Today, it
rained…a lot. Tomorrow, it’s gonna rain…even
more…with 100% chance of precipitation.
Taking a look at the thermometer. [a man dressed in a thermometer suit
comes dancing into the studio] Excuse
me, what the hell is this?
Thermometer: I’m
Chilly the Thermometer!
James: Why are
you here? I’m trying to do a serious
weather report.
Chilly: Shut up!
James: Oh, that
is it!
[ James tackles
and punches the thermometer, leaving Joe and Katie stunned at the desk]
Joe: On to
sports, with John Painting.
John: Thank you
Joe, and a rough sports day it was. The
Dayboqrx Dayboqrxinators lost their only good players to free agency today, so
next season, look for the team to play even worse than this years 22-140
record. In hockey, the Amoebas lost to
the Flying Squirrels 8-2. Back to you
Katie.
Katie: Thanks
John…let’s see how the weather’s progressing…
[ James
continues to beat up on the thermometer]
James: How dare
you interrupt me?
Chilly: Shut up,
the weather is my job!
[Three studio
workers pull James off the thermometer]
James: Back to
you!
Studio Worker
#2: That’s it you four, get out of here.
Here’s your clue.
John [reading
the clue]: Visit the Dayboqrx Space Museum in North Dayboqrx. At the desk, ask for Fred. He’ll now what to do.”
Katie: Shouldn’t
that be “he’ll know?”
John: It should
be, but it says “he’ll now.”
Joe: Fine, but
if he doesn’t now what to do, there’s gonna be hell to pay.
Scene Eight:
“Pay No Attention to the Man in the
Tin Foil Space Suit”
Location: Dayboqrx Space Museum
Characters: The Gang, Fred
[The
gang stands outside a dilapidated building]
Katie:
Is this it?
John:
I think so, it says “Dayboqrx Space Museum” on that sign that’s falling down.
Joe:
I guess this is it then.
James:
Wait, there’s more, there’s an arrow pointing to the right on the side.
[They
all turn their heads in unison to see a large planetarium with lasers and
spotlights]
Announcer:
WELCOME TO THE DAYBOQRX SPACE MUSEUM IN NORTH DAYBOQRX. THIS LARGE BUILDING OVER HERE IS THE MUSEUM,
NOT THAT DILAPIDATED ONE OVER THERE.
James:
How did we not notice this before?
Joe:
I say magic, that wasn’t there before.
John:
Yes it was, I just felt like wasting time by saying this was it. [ John looks
around to find out that the other three are already gone] Damn, don’t leave me behind again, wait up!
[he runs after them]
[they
enter the museum, to see it’s an empty room with a man standing in a closed-in
booth, wearing tin foil]
John:
Okay, this is really weird.
Man:
Are you “The Gang?”
Joe:
Yes, are you Fred?
Fred:
Yes.
John:
Good, our last clue said we needed to talk to you, and that you’d know what to
do.
Fred:
That doesn’t sound right.
John:
Fine, that you’d NOW what to do.
Fred:
Much better.
John:
Actually, it’s not much better at all.
Fred:
Anyway, welcome to the museum of space.
James:
Why is it empty?
Fred:
It’s space.
[The
Gang groans]
John:
That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard.
Fred:
Thanks, we do try.
Joe:
Who’s we?
Fred:
Me and my friend Mr. Mittens. Isn’t
that right Mr. Mittens?
Joe
[outraged]: HOW COULD YOU MR. MITTENS.
YOU WERE MY FRIEND, I HATE YOU…YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE, LEAVE ME. [ Joe
turns his back, waits, then sprints out of the “museum”]
Katie:
Poor Joe was never the same after Mr. Mittens left.
[
John and James look at each other, confused]
Katie:
Listen, I better go make sure Joe doesn’t do something stupid, like run off
again. Remember the last time he did
that?
James:
Nope.
John:
That definitely didn’t happen.
Katie:
Fine, I remember it though. We had to
go out in the middle of the night to find him, and then the flying unicorn told
us to check by the river, and he was there, huddled in the corner with the
robot and the talking monkey…
John:
That sounds like a dream.
Katie:
No, I distinctly remember this.
James:
Fine, then you just made it up.
Katie:
That’s better. [she leaves]
John
[to Fred]: Anyway, what’s our next clue?
Fred:
Clue, ha, after you made fun of the museum like that, I should have you banned.
James:
Fine, we’ll just go home, we never wanted to do this anyway…
Fred:
…but since I’m such good friends with Benji, and don’t want to see him get hurt
at the hands of his evil kidnapper, I’ll give you this clue. Well, it’s not really a clue, you’ve reached
the end of the line. They’re in that
walk-in closet over there.
John:
Okay, thank you.
Fred:
Screw you!
Scene Nine:
“Mission: Stupidity”
Location: A walk-in closet in the Dayboqrx Space Museum
Characters: The Gang, Fred, Dr. Johnson, Benji
[ John and James
burst into a walk-in closet]
James: AHA!
[the closet
contains mops and brooms]
John: Benji?
Fred [from his
booth]: OTHER CLOSET!
John: Oh.
[ John and James
burst into the other walk-in closet]
James: AHA!
[Dr. Johnson and
Benji are playing checkers]
Dr. Johnson:
KING ME!
Benji: Fine.
James [again for
emphasis]: AHA!
Dr. Johnson:
Prepare to lose for the seventeenth consecutive game.
John and James:
AHA! AHA! AHA!
Benji: I got you
this time, don’t worry.
Dr. Johnson:
You’re out manned ten to one.
Benji: That’s
what you think.
John and James:
AHA?
[Dr. Johnson
finally glances at the guys]
Dr. Johnson: Hey
guys, who wants winner?
John: Benji, what
the hell was this all about?
Benji: Well, me
and Dr. Johnson were bored waiting around here, so we decided to play a few
games of competitive tennis.
[long pause]
James:
Tennis? It’s checkers.
Benji: You
didn’t let me finish.
John: Sounded
like you were done when you paused for those ten seconds.
Benji: Well,
after we figured out we couldn’t play tennis inside, we settled for chess.
[long pause]
James: Chess?
Benji: I wasn’t
done again.
John: Then stop
pausing.
Benji: But we
both realized we didn’t know how to play chess, so we played checkers instead.
John: Dr.
Johnson, you can’t play chess?
Dr. Johnson: Not
at all.
John: Then why
do you run the Dayboqrx University Chess Club?
Dr. Johnson: So
I get paid more.
James: What was
the phony kidnapping about?
Benji: Wasn’t my
idea, Lefty told me I had to do it, or he’d evict me.
John: Hmmm, why
did Lefty want us both out of the house?
[All four look
at each other, realizing]
All
[simultaneously]: Oh crap!
[they all run
out of the building]
John: I hope he
didn’t steal too much.
[they run past
Katie talking into thin air]
Katie [to
nobody]: So, you mean to tell me Joe is down by the river again?
[time passes,
the four eventually arrive at the bar]
James: Lefty?
Lefty: What?
James: Why do
you have all of our stuff in your bar?
Lefty: Well,
remember that time I made you leave the house so I could steal your stuff, then
sell it.
John: Apparently
that was earlier today.
Lefty: Yes. Good job.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Ten:
”It’s Really Just a ‘Quizlet’”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s Class
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Andrea Kim
Dr. Johnson: Due
to the fact that I was busy last night, I was unable to put together a true
final exam, therefore, today’s exam is really just a quizlet. You can find these “quizlets,” on the back desk
there, and begin when you get it.
John: Umm, Dr.
Johnson?
Dr. Johnson:
What are you complaining about this time Mr. Painting?
John: This test
is a thick booklet full of questions.
Dr. Johnson: Not
BOOKlet, QUIZlet.
James: This has
507 questions in it.
Dr. Johnson:
Quizlet.
Andrea: How do
you expect us to finish this?
Dr. Johnson:
Quizlet.
John: Seriously?
[long pause]
Dr. Johnson:
Quizlet.
[the class
groans and begins the “quizlet”]
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