“On Our Own”
Episode Thirteen (#1P13)
The Gang Takes Midterms
Written by John Painting
Scene One:
“Cat-masta B”
Location:
Benji’s Penthouse
Characters:
Benji
[Benji
is calling his cats]
Benji:
Come here guys and girls, it’s story time.
[his
cats are motionless]
Benji:
I said come here! [still motionless]
There’s milk in it for you! [all of the cats come running] That’s what I thought…hahaha, anyway, it’s
time for me to tell you all about the time I was a great lounge singer…ah, but
those days are behind me now. [he pauses and the cats are silent] What’s that you say Angie number one million
three hundred forty-seven thousand, nine hundred twelve? You say I should follow my dreams, and try
to be a successful lounge singer? You
say I should switch to becoming a rapper, because it’s more popular these
days? I think I’m gonna do it! Outta my way kitties, I’m gonna make it in
this world!!!
[as
he walks away, the cats attack him]
Benji:
Ow, c’mon guys, what gives?
[the
cats not involved in the attack, arrange themselves, and spell out “YOU
PROMISED MILK”]
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at nothing,
his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“At Least You’re Wearing Your Clothes”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s Class
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, and the rest of the class
Dr. Johnson: In
conclusion, good luck on tomorrow’s midterm exam.
John: What do
you mean, in conclusion? You just walked
in, got a drink of water from the cooler, sat down, and said “in conclusion,
good luck on tomorrow’s midterm”…and another thing, what midterm?
Dr. Johnson:
Well, I was done with what I had to say, so I said “in conclusion,” what’s
confusing about that?
John: You didn’t
answer my question!
Dr. Johnson: I
just did.
John: No, I
asked “what midterm?”
Dr. Johnson: I
don’t remember you saying that.
Joe: Yeah,
neither do I. What’s wrong with you
John, did you forget your sanity medication again this morning?
[the class
chuckles at John, who appears to be on sanity medication]
John: No, did
you?
Joe: Now that
you mention it, I think I did forget.
Class:
OOOOOOOOOOOO…AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.
John: Thanks
everyone, that was great.
Dr. Johnson:
Class dismissed!
Andrea: Class
just started.
Dr. Johnson:
What did I tell you about interrupting me Ms. Kim?
Andrea: That I should do it as much as possible.
Dr. Johnson:
That’s correct. Carry on Ms. Kim.
Andrea: Oh, I
was done.
Dr. Johnson:
Then you really should say “in conclusion,” then people will know when you’re
done.
James: Or when
you’re just starting.
Katie: You still
haven’t answered my question.
John: Katie, it
was clearly my question.
Katie: No,
remember, you were like “what midterm?” and then I was like “yeah.”
John: You never
said yeah.
Katie: But I
thought it, and that’s all that counts…in my mind. So, I win. [Katie sits content with her “victory”]
[Dr. Johnson
starts to leave the classroom, but is blocked by Brad Dostie]
Brad: Stay right
there Dr. Johnson, you won’t be getting past me, I’m on the football team.
Dr. Johnson: The
football team? [he laughs hysterically]
I mean, you guys even lost to Dayboqrx A&M!
Brad: We beat
Dayboqrx A&M.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, barely.
Brad [conceding
defeat]: Fine, that’s true.
Dr. Johnson:
Outta my way, I need to get something from my car.
James: I’m
pretty sure you take the subway here Dr. Johnson.
Dr. Johnson:
Fine, you guys got me, I’ll tell you about the midterms. [he runs out the door]
Brad: I’ll get
him! [he runs out the door]
John: Hope he
gets him.
Brad [from
outside]: MY LEG!!!
James: Classic
Dayboqrx football player for ya.
Amber: There
goes that theory.
Andrea: Anyone
know anything about this midterm.
Katie: I’d say
it comes halfway between the term.
Andrea: I mean,
what’s on this midterm?
Joe [at Dr.
Johnson’s desk]: This paper here says “INFORMATION ON COSMOLOGY MIDTERM.”
Natalie: What
else does it say?
Joe [startled]:
Who are you?
Natalie: I’m
Natalie, I’ve sat next to you every day since September.
Joe: Doesn’t
ring a bell.
John: What else
does it say?
Joe [still
startled]: Who are you?
John: Joe?
Joe: Anyway, it
doesn’t say anything else, it’s all blank.
James: Well,
we’re all screwed. Who’s up for a big
study party at our place tonight?
[The class nods
in agreement]
Scene Three:
“When is ‘Banned’ Used in a Good
Way?”
Location: The Dayboqrx University Library
Characters: The Gang, Librarian
John: Hi, we’d
like to know where you keep your books on cosmology.
Librarian: And
I’d like to see where they keep the winning lotto numbers, but you don’t see me
complaining about it.
[cut to a scene
of a man in a suit and a three men dressed in white lotto ball costumes with
the number 3, 4, and 7, he’s hoarding them into a closet in the library]
Man: Get in the
closet, we can’t have you three leaking word out to the public, especially that
librarian. Hurry up, she’s looking!
[cut back to
regular scene]
James: Anyway,
where do you keep the cosmology books?
Librarian: What
are a bunch of guys like you doing in a cosmology class, studying to be makeup
artists or something?
Katie: Ahem.
Librarian: What
you got a cough or something sir?
Katie: What are
you talking about, I’m a girl.
Librarian:
Really, maybe you need to learn something in your cosmology class, you look a
little plain to me…or maybe I need new glasses.
Katie: Probably
the latter.
Librarian: How
dare you insult me like that sir.
Joe: The books!
Librarian: Oh
right, well, just one of you give me your university key cards.
James: Who
carries those around with them?
[ John sifts
through a wallet of old receipts and ID cards]
John: Here it
is.
[she swipes it
through, it keeps beeping]
James: You carry
that stuff around with you?
John: You never
know when you might need a receipt for [he pulls one out at random] a fake
afro.
Katie: How old
is that…is that even yours?
John:
Unfortunately…I had a bit of a phase.
[flashback to
years ago
[
John is nervously sitting on a couch with a giant afro wig on his head and a
lava lamp lighting the room, with Disco music playing]
John:
Umm…who wants to play Scrabble?
end flashback]
Librarian: Your
card is denied, it appears you’ve been banned.
John: What?
Joe:
CONGRATULATIONS!
John: What are
you talking about Joe?
Joe: C’mon, who
wouldn’t want to be in a band…I mean remember that time we had a band…
[flashback
[ Joe is on stage with The Gang,
he’s singing incoherently]
end flashback]
Joe: Those were
the days.
Katie: That
never happened Joe.
Joe: What about
Woodstock?
James: I do
remember the time we drove to Woodstock, and you danced around in the fields
thinking there was a concert going on.
Joe: YOU SWORE
YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN!
John: Anyway,
why am I banned?
Librarian: Your
teacher that banned you left a note.
Joe: Mr.
Phillips, why would he do such a thing, he’s such a great guy.
Librarian: No,
Dr. Johnson. He left a note explaining
the banning, see, I'll read it, ahem “Dear class, if you're wondering why I
banned you, it's so you will all fail my impossible midterm...ha ha ha ha cough
ha ha cough cough, ouch I need to buy some Robotussin.”
John: Yeah, that
sounds like him.
James: Well,
what are we gonna do for the study party tonight?
John: Pray?
James: The last
time you suggested we pray, we nearly died, remember?
John: When did
that happen?
James: I don’t
remember.
Scene Four:
“Behind the Music”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
John:
How do you suppose we learn cosmology by tomorrow?
James: Didn’t I
ask that already, and you said “pray?”
John: Yes, but
now I’m rephrasing it, therefore it’s a completely different question.
James: I see,
and I don’t know how.
Joe: I have an
idea!
John: What is
it?
Joe: We hope for
the best.
James: By now,
you should know that that doesn’t work.
Katie: I sense
something bad coming.
John: Yeah,
we’re gonna fail our midterm.
[Benji busts in]
Katie: No, that.
James: Wow
Katie, how did you know Benji was coming?
Katie: It’s very
simple, you see, I have that ESPN.
John: Umm,
Katie…we all have ESPN, it’s channel 12.
[he turns the television] See
look, New Jersey is losing.
Katie: Good, I
hate the Nets.
James: This is a
hockey game.
Katie: Good, I
hate the Devils.
John: That’s
better.
Benji: Turn it
to channel 39, I’ve got a surprise for you.
Joe: Benji, when
did you get here?
Benji: Right
before you started ranting about ESPN.
Katie: Oh yeah,
good times.
[ John changes
the channel to 39, to see “Behind the Music: Benji”]
James:
Oh……my……God…
Benji: Told you!
John: Told us
what?
Benji: That I
had a surprise.
James: When were
you a musician?
Benji: Shhhh,
I’m listening to the show.
Voice [on
television]: Back in 1992, the 20 year old superstar with just one-name,
joining the ranks of Madonna and Cher, Benji, was tearing up the world with his
hit single, “I Really Really Really Love Cats.”
Benji [singing
on TV:
MEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!!!
I said, if
you love cats, then I’m here to say,
That your
cool today.
If everyone
had a ton of cats,
Then the
problems in the world would be gone.
WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS!!!]
Benji: Like the
song?
John: That was
scary.
Benji: I could
autograph my album for you, if you’d like.
Voice: But
eventually, people realized that Benji was a terrible lyricist, and his album
sales for what was once the hit “Cat City,” plummeted, and so did Benji’s
career.
Benji [crying]:
Turn it off, turn it off.
James:
Okay. [he turns off the television]
Benji: Why did
you turn it off?
James: You told
me too.
Benji: Whatever.
Katie: Benji,
why didn’t you tell us about your hit single?
It was really catchy.
Joe:
Catchy? That song was terrible.
Benji: I
definitely did tell you about it.
John: When was
this?
Benji: I don’t
remember.
John: That’s
what I thought.
Benji: Anyway, I
need to ask you guys to help me become a success in the music business again, I
can’t live with being just another one-hit wonder from the 80’s.
Katie: But they
said on the TV that your song was in 1992.
Benji: See, I
can’t even count anymore. [he breaks
down crying and huddles on the floor in the fetal position]
John: It’s okay
Benji.
Benji: Then
you’ll help me?
John: Whoa, I
didn’t say anything about helping you.
Benji: Why won’t
you help me, I’ll pay you.
James: Remember
when you paid us to help you win that arm wrestling contest.
Benji: And then
I did.
[flashback to
nine weeks ago:
Man: And the winner is, BENJI!!!
[the crowd chants “Benji” as he
accepts the trophy]
end flashback]
Joe: No, you
definitely lost in that tournament. In
fact, you won the trophy for last place.
Benji [crying]:
I thought I won.
Katie: We can’t
help you because we have to study for Dr. Johnson’s midterm tomorrow.
Benji: Oh, Bill
told me about that…you poor bastards. [he leaves]
John: Thanks
Benji.
Joe: So, now
we’re even more screwed, right?
[They all nod]
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Worst Case Scenario”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
Katie: Well, I
called every library in town, and we’re banned from all of them.
John: You’re
kidding me.
Katie: Why would
I say it if I were kidding?
John: I don’t
know, that’s just one of those phrases you say when you can’t believe what you
just heard.
Joe: You mean
like, “I blew up the mall.”
James: When did
you blow up the mall?
Joe: Last
week. [he points to a newspaper article
that says “MALL DESTROYED IN BOMB ATTACK THINGY”]
John: Joe, you
just made that fake newspaper headline on the computer.
Joe: How do you
know?
John: Because
there’s no such thing as the “Joe Times.”
Joe: There is in
my mind, would you like a subscription?
John: No thanks.
Katie: I’ll take
one!
Joe: That will
be three easy payments of twenty dollars.
Katie: I have
sixty right now, can I pay in up front?
Joe: Sure.
Katie:
Thanks. [she hands him the money] Ah,
money well spent.
John: Anyway,
how are we going to get books on cosmology?
Katie: Why don’t
we call other libraries?
James: Katie,
you did that already, and we were banned from all of them.
Katie: I think I
would remember something like that.
James: You’d
think so, wouldn’t you?
Katie: That is what I just said, man, there’s a lot of hatred going on here.
John: I wouldn’t
say hatred.
Katie: I would
you moron.
Joe: Couldn’t we
always go online and find a website about cosmology?
John: Yeah…hey,
what about our textbooks?
Katie: Don’t you
remember, Dr. Johnson collected them last week, he said we’d never need them
again.
[the phone
rings]
Joe: I’ll get
it. [he picks it up] Hello?
[Dr. Johnson is
on the other end and laughs demonically]
Joe: Dr.
Johnson?
Dr. Johnson:
What? [cough] [cough] Wow, I really need that Robotussin. [he hangs up]
Joe: Well, that was weird.
John: What
happened?
Joe: Dr. Johnson
laughed then coughed, said he needed Robotussin, and hung up.
[the phone
rings]
James: This time
I’ll get it. [he picks it up] Hello?
[Andrea is on
the other end]
Andrea: Did you call me and laugh all evil like?
James: No, that
was Dr. Johnson, he called us too.
Andrea: Okay…well, what are we gonna do about this cosmology test?
James: I don’t
know…wait, I thought you already took cosmology.
Andrea:
Right,…uh,…about that, see, I only took one day of it.
James: I see.
Andrea: But now seriously, what are we gonna do, Dr. Johnson’s had us all banned from all of the libraries in town?
James: We’re gonna get all the information from the internet during the study party.
Andrea: Good
idea. [she hangs up]
John: Was that
Dr. Johnson again?
James: No, it
was Andrea.
Joe: Who the
hell is Andrea?
John: Joe, name
the people in our class.
Joe: That’s easy
me, you, James,………
Katie: C’mon
Joe, you can do it.
Joe: That’s all
I got.
Katie: C’mon,
what about me?!?
Joe: You’re in
our class?
Katie: Oh my God
Joe, yes I am.
Joe: Good to
know.
John: We better
get some information, the party starts soon.
Joe: I’ll get
the dip!
James: Shut up
Joe.
Scene Six:
“The Z’s Have It”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Andrea,
Natalie, Andrew, and Benji
[Andrew is
talking to Katie in the corner]
Andrew: So
Katie, what are you doing tonight?
Katie: I’m
studying for this big midterm we have tomorrow, what are you doing?
Andrew: I don’t
know, whaddayasay we go find out…
Katie: If by
“we” you mean “you and only you,” then I’m in.
Andrew: Good
deal. [he walks away contently]
Joe: What was
that all about?
Katie: Andrew’s
got this apparent obsession over me…but can you blame him, I’m great!
Joe: Sometimes
he scares me.
Katie: Me too…
Joe: Who is that
anyway?
Katie: Sometimes
you scare me.
Joe: Mission
accomplished. [he also walks away contently]
[scene cuts to
another part of the room, James, John, Andrea and Natalie are around the
computer]
John [reading off the computer]: “Thus if we saw a quadratic velocity vs. distance law, then an observer in a different galaxy would see a different law -- and one that would be different in different directions. Thus if we saw v(sq), then B would see much higher radial velocities in the "plus" direction than in the "minus" direction. This effect would allow one to locate the "center of Universe" by finding the one place where the red shift-distance law was the same in all directions. Since we actually see the same red shift-distance law in all directions, either the red shift-distance law is linear or else we are at the center which is anti-Copernican.”
Andrea:
Amazing…simply amazing.
James: Do you
know what that meant?
John: I think it
means something about red shift.
Natalie: I just
thought it was gibberish.
Andrea: C’mon,
it’s simple really, you see…
[Benji bursts in
disrupting everybody]
Benji: My Chickdar
is going off the charts, and…hello ladies.
Katie: Oh God,
hi Benji, everybody hide!
[Benji walks
over to the computer]
Benji: And who
are these two lovely ragamuffins?
John: Benji,
what the hell is a ragamuffin?
[Benji pulls a
large dictionary out of his back pocket]
James: You carry
that with you all the time?
Benji: Yes, ever
since the loot vs. steal argument a while back.
Joe [yelling]:
They’re the same thing!
Benji: Are
not…will you excuse me ladies and…well James and John…I have a score to settle.
[he walks away yelling something at Joe]
Natalie: That
guy was pretty weird.
James: You
should see what it’s like living next door to him.
[ James and John
shudder]
Andrea: What,
are you both cold or something?
John: Cold,
disturbed by Benji, it’s all the same now.
James: Back to
learning this useless information that we’ll never know by tomorrow.
Natalie: So how
many rumors have you heard about this exam?
John: Everything
from, you poor bastards to…well, good luck you poor bastards.
Benji [yelling]:
Everybizody!
James: Did he
just put a Z in everybody?
John: I really
don’t like where this is going.
Benji [yelling]:
I have an announcement to mizake!
Joe: Put some
more Z’s in it!
Benji: OK…Z.
Joe: That’s
better!
Benji: Izzi
hizave to sizay thizat izI’m gizonna trizzy to mizake it in the rizap
bizusiness.
[Everyone has no
idea what he just said]
Joe: He said “I
have to say that I’m gonna try to make it in the rap business.”
Benji: Thizank
you.
Joe: You’re
wizelcome.
Benji: Izanyway,
thizank you izall for your suppizort.
Joe: Gizettin’
bizetter!
Benji: Wizish
mizee lizuck!
John: Bizenji!
Benji: Whizat?
John: Stizzop
pizutting Z’s in your wizzords.
Benji: Hey, that
was really good, are you strizeet?
Joe: Ahem, more
Z’s!
John: Gizet
izout!
Benji: Fizine.
[Benji leaves]
John: Trust me,
he gets even weirder.
Scene Seven:
“Anisotropy”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Natalie, Andrea, Andrew
John [still reading off the computer]: “This conformal space-time diagram shows lumps as gray vertical bars, the epoch before recombination as the hatched region, and the gravitational potential as the color-coded curve phi(x). Where our past light cone intersects the surface of recombination, we see a temperature perturbed by dT over T = phi over 3 c-squared, where phi is gravitational potential energy negative GM over R. Sachs and Wolfe predicted temperature fluctuations dT over T as large as 1 percent, but we know now that the Universe is far more homogeneous than Sachs and Wolfe thought. So observers worked for years to get enough sensitivity to see the temperature differences around the sky.”
James: What?
John: How the
hell should I know?
Andrea: Oh, I
get it!
Natalie: Do you,
or are you just acting smart again?
Andrea:
Acting…do you think I’m good at it, I’ve always wanted to be an actress!
Natalie: It
needs a little work.
John: Wait this goes on, [reading more] “The space-time diagram on the left above shows the future light cones of quantum fluctuation events. The top of this diagram is really a volume which intersects our past light cone making the sky. The future light cones of events become circles on the sky. Events early in the inflationary epoch make large circles on the sky, as shown in the bottom map on the right. Later events make smaller circles as shown in the middle map, but there are more of them so the sky coverage is the same as before. Even later events make many small circles which again give the same sky coverage as seen on the top map.”
Andrea: And
therefore the universe will implode in approximately 23 billion years.
James: Really?
Andrea [lying]:
Uh, yeah, sure.
James: Wow,
how’d you get that out of that?
[Andrea groans]
Natalie: Wow,
I’ve never had an appreciation for anisotropy as it relates to large-scale
structure in space until now.
John: Wow, that
was very profound of you Natalie.
Natalie: Thanks,
I read the title of the page.
John: Oh.
[cut to a scene
of Joe and Katie on the balcony]
Joe: So, nice
party, huh.
Katie: If by
nice you mean horrible.
Joe: Thanks for
picking up on that, by nice I did mean horrible, you’re very receptive to stuff
like that.
Katie: Thanks,
it’s a gift, it comes to all us great people.
Joe: Sometimes I can pick up on stuff like that,
does that mean I’m climbing the ladder of greatness?
Katie: Not at
all Joe, not at all.
Joe: Damn, I’m
getting closer.
Katie [under her
breath]: Yeah, you think you are.
Joe: What?
Katie [yelling]:
I SAID, YEAH YOU THINK YOU ARE!
Joe: Oh………HEY!
Katie: What?
Joe: That was
mean!
Katie: Mean, but
very true.
[Andrew
approaches Katie]
Andrew: Katie,
I…
[Katie punches
him and her and Joe walk inside]
Andrew: Damn,
I’m getting closer.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“I’d Hit the Panic Button, But I
Can’t Find It”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Andrea, Amber, Brad, Natalie
[Andrea is front
of a blackboard with complicated math on it]
Andrea: So, is
it clear now?
Joe: No.
Andrea: Sure it
is, by these statistical observation, there is no chance any of us will pass
tomorrow’s midterm.
John
[sarcastic]: That’s great news!
James: What do
you see as the highest grade attainable?
Andrea: With the
way Dr. Johnson’s quizzes and exams go, I don’t think a single one of us in the
class will get a question right.
John [still
sarcastic]: That’s even more encouraging.
Andrea: Isn’t it
though?
Amber: What do
you suggest we do?
Joe: Who are
you?
Amber: Again
Joe, what are you talking about?
Joe: And how do
you know my name?
John: Joe, it’s
as if you don’t even care that we’re all gonna fail this gigantically
impossible test tomorrow.
James:
Gigantically, that’s a good word, I gotta use that.
Joe: What a
minute, we have a test tomorrow?
John: Where have
you been?
Joe: Do you want
the serious answer or the off-the-wall answer?
John: Serious.
Joe: I’m in the
magical land of happiness, with birds and trees and butterflies and beautiful
sunshine.
Katie: I’d hate
to hear the off-the-wall answer.
Brad: How do you
suppose we go about tricking Dr. Johnson into not giving us this test?
Andrea: Who said
anything about tricking?
John: Wait a
minute, that’s a great idea.
James: Plan S!
John: What?
James: Never
mind.
Brad: I say, we
just tell Dr. Johnson that he never told us about the test, and then he can’t
give it to us.
Natalie: That
will never work, he’s popped every test we’ve had on us, except for this one.
John: And he
tells us this one is harder than usual.
James: Who else
is really worried about this?
[every hand but
Joe’s goes up]
Natalie: Still
not worried Joe?
Joe: Who are
you?
[Natalie groans]
Andrea: I
suppose we should just hope for the best.
Joe: That’s what
I said. Gimme five! [he looks in vain
for a high five] Oh, too shy are
we. C’mon [he slaps Natalie’s hand].
Natalie: Ow.
Joe: There ya go!
Scene Nine:
“Too Bad”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s Class
Characters: The Gang, Dr.
Johnson, the rest of the class
Dr. Johnson: Now
that you are all sitting, it’s time to let you know that the exams are on the
back table.
[everyone gets
up to get their tests]
James: Why
didn’t you tell us that before?
Dr. Johnson:
What do I look like?
Joe: You look
like Professor Johnson.
Dr. Johnson: For
that comment Mr. Painting, I shall deduct three points from your score.
John: But Joe
said that.
Dr. Johnson:
That’s exactly what the person named John Painting who said that would say.
[everyone is
sitting again]
Dr. Johnson:
Okay, you have an hour to complete the test…READY. GO! Oh, and I hope you
don’t mind me playing this song over and over again for the duration of the
test. [he turns a CD on, playing the
theme song from “Norm”:
Too bad that you’re not as smart,
as you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you, had to get caught,
that’s not like you could lose face
So sad that you’re not as smart, as
you thought you were in the first place]
[The class is
rattled as they realize they’re not as smart as they thought there were in the
first place…Dr. Johnson is playing Sorry against himself on his desk]
John [reading
the questions to himself]: Okay, here we go…Part One, fill in the blank, number
one, The Universe began with the blank Bang…okay, [he writes “big”]…number two,
The blank began with the Big Bang…[he writes “Universe”]…number three, The
Universe began with the Big blank…are you kidding me? [he writes “Bang”]
James [reading
the questions to himself]: Okay, Part Two, spelling…number one, spell
cosmology…it’s written right there…[he copies it letter for letter]
[ John and James
look at each other in astonishment, then look around the class, as everyone
appears confused]
Julia [crying]:
We never learned this.
Dr. Johnson:
Crying won’t help you now. SORRY!
Joe: Stop
yelling, you’re disturbing everybody.
Dr. Johnson:
Sorry, is the music and the board game disturbing you…you should’ve thought of
that when you slept through my class!
Andrea: That was
you for the past three weeks.
Dr. Johnson:
Point taken.
Joe [reading the
questions to himself]: Number seven, The Universe blank with the Big Bang…[he
writes “monkeys”]…this is so simple, it’s not even funny.
Katie [reading
the questions to herself]: Number three, spell red shift…[she writes “I am
soooo great”]
John [reading
the questions to himself]: Part Three, essay.
Please explain in detail, and in under 250 words, the grade you wish to
receive not only on this exam, but in the class in general, seeing as I’m too
lazy to do your grades. I can’t believe
this. [he writes “100%, because you’re
the most interesting teacher I’ve ever had”]
Wow, that’s actually serious too.
Dr. Johnson:
SORRY!!!
Natalie: I think
I speak for everybody when I say this test is impossible.
[everybody but
James and John agree]
John: What a fun
class, eh?
Scene Ten:
“After the Fire”
Location: Lefty’s Bar
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Lefty, the rest of the class
Dr. Johnson: You
may be wondering I told you all to meet me here.
Joe: Hey, why
did you tell us all to meet here!
Dr. Johnson: I’m
getting to that.
Joe: ARE YOU?
Dr. Johnson:
Maybe…anyway, I graded your tests over my lunch break.
John: You have
no lunch break, you teach us and then go home.
Dr. Johnson: I
still have to eat lunch…I AM STILL HUMAN YOU KNOW!
James: Calm
down.
Dr. Johnson
[calmly]: I will not.
James: Better.
Andrea: So, what
do you have to tell us about our grades?
Dr. Johnson:
That I graded them, didn’t I say that?
Natalie: Yes,
but why would you call us down here just to tell us that our tests were grades.
Dr. Johnson: I
don’t know, but I did it.
Joe: What were
our grades?
Dr. Johnson
[laughing]: You don’t want to know.
Brad: See, I
told you that study party was crap, none of what was on the test did we cover
last night!
John: Because
the test covered common knowledge, that test was easy.
Dr. Johnson:
Right, easy, tell that to your grade Mr. Painting.
John: Did you
rig these tests?
Dr. Johnson: I
graded on a backwards curve.
James: What?
Dr. Johnson:
Yeah, best score gets knocked down to a 0, and so on.
Katie: Can you even
do that on our midterms?
Dr. Johnson: I
should hope so.
Katie: Why?
Dr. Johnson: So
I can look like the terrible teacher that I really am.
Andrea: Just
tell us our grades.
Dr. Johnson: I’m
sorry, but I can’t tell you your grades because I’m going to Aruba for the next
week.
John: But the
grades are in the briefcase your holding.
[Dr. Johnson
opens the briefcase]
Dr. Johnson: No,
these are just random pieces of blank paper.
James: No, those
are our exams and grades.
[Dr. Johnson
dives on the papers]
Dr. Johnson: You
saw nothing!
John: Just tell
us our grades.
Dr. Johnson:
NEVER!!!!!
Joe: Wow, that
was more dramatic than it needed to be.
[the papers are
collected in the briefcase again]
Dr. Johnson:
Excuse me, I need to take care of this. [he throws the briefcase into a fire in
a garbage can] Done and done.
John: What did
you do that for?
Dr. Johnson: I
don’t remember…hey, who wants to relax by going to see Benji’s show!?!
John: Where is
it?
Dr. Johnson:
Lefty’s.
James: We’re in
Lefty’s.
Lefty: Okay, if
you all want to stay, you’re gonna have to buy some alcohol.
Dr. Johnson:
C’mon, it’s gonna be fun!
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”Now Playing…”
Location: Lefty’s stage
Characters: Lefty, Benji, John
Lefty: And now,
everybody’s favorite artist from the early 90’s…Benji!
[Benji runs out
on stage followed by about 20 cats, nobody claps for him]
Benji: Thanks
everybody, today I’ll be singing my old hit song, but first, some stuff off my
new album, “Why Won’t You Go Out With Me Katie?” This one is sure to be a new rap hit, it’s called “WHY WHY WHY!”
[Benji proceeds
to continually cry into the microphone]
John: It’s
better than that other song.
Benji: Thank
you, now it’s time for me to perform my old hit single, “I Really Really Really
Love Cats.”
John: Oh damn
it.
Benji [singing
as the camera fades to black:
MEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!
I said, if
you love cats, then I’m here to say,
That your
cool today.]