“On Our Own”
Episode Eight (#1P08)
The Gang Ruins a Football Game
Written by John Painting
Scene One:
“Ideal Projectile Motion”
Location:
The balcony of the penthouse
Characters:
John and James
John:
See the eyes on that mountain over there?
James:
No.
John:
Anyway, I’m going to continue with what I was going to say because I know you
can see the eyes.
James:
Carry on.
John:
Well, I bet you ten dollars I can throw this rock and hit the mountain squarely
between the eyes from here.
James:
That mountain is like a mile away, and that’s not a rock, it’s a toaster.
John:
Oh, well I meant this rock.
James:
That’s the paper shredder.
John:
Fine, if you want to be difficult, why don’t you get me a rock to throw.
James:
Here’s one.
John:
Fine then, I’ll…oh wait, I don’t like the density of this rock. Eh, I’ll still hit the mountain between the
eyes.
James:
You know basic physics can prove you wrong, right?
John: [pauses] Elaborate.
James:
Well, let’s just assume that the mountain is one mile away and that the eyes
are at the same level as where you’re throwing it from, and you throw the rock
at a 45 degree angle, as to provide for maximum range. Based upon this data and neglecting air
resistance, which will only make it more difficult…[pulls out a
calculator]…convert miles to meters…okay…square root that…convert from meters
per second to miles per hour, and you would officially have to throw the rock
at 280.925456988 miles per hour to hit the mountain.
John:
Piece of cake. [he launches the rock and it fails to go off the balcony] Let me see that calculator…
James:
I’ll accept the ten dollars in cash or a check.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Decisions, Decisions, Decisions”
Location: Benji’s penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Katie: The
game’s in an hour, where the hell is Benji?
Joe: In his
penthouse, silly.
Katie: Yeah,
but, he should’ve been ready by now!
John: You know
Benji, completely unpredictable.
James: I guess
we should get him and see what’s taking him so damn long.
[ James knocks
on Benji’s door creating a frenzy of meowing inside, then Benji screams]
John: Benji, are
you alright?
Benji: I’ll be
fine, just thwarting a cat attack.
Katie: Why are
the cats attacking you this time?
Benji: Because I can’t decide which cat to take to the game.
John: Why don’t
you try flipping a coin?
Benji: Because
in order to narrow it down to one, I’d have to flip the coin three million,
nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred and ninety-nine times.
Joe: That sounds
like it could get tedious.
Benji: Three
more flips to go.
James: How long
have you been flipping that coin, Benji?
Benji: Ten days
straight. I haven’t eaten in days, and
I think I’m going blind.
Joe: Listen, can
we come in and help you make this decision.
Benji: Sure,
just don’t let the cats get in your way.
[The Gang comes
in]
Joe: Benji, I
don’t know what to tell you, why don’t you just take a wild stab in the dark?
Benji: That’s a
great idea. [he turns the lights off]
John: Oh God.
[a cat meows
violently]
Benji: Oh my
God, Andy number four, my favorite of the original cats, I’m so sorry.
[he turns the
lights on]
Benji: Good, it
was only the couch.
James: How about
if you use a computer simulation to randomly select a cat to bring with you?
Benji:
Com-put-er?
James: Benji, do
you own a computer?
Benji:
Com-put-er?
James: I’ll take
that as a no.
Benji: N……o?
James: Never heard
the word no before Benji?
Benji: Ne-ver?
James: Now
you’re just being dumb.
Benji: I’m not
dumb, I’m Benji.
Joe: Further
proof of your dumbocity.
Benji: I’ve
never heard of that word, I’m gonna look it up later, and prove you wrong and
you will owe me a ton of money.
John: Why can
you only bring one…why not bring the three you’ve narrowed it down to?
Benji: Remember
the last time I took more than one cat with me to a sporting event.
[flashback to a
baseball game where every seat is taken up by several cats each, the stadium is
dead silent, except for Benji who yells “YOU SUCK!”]
Katie: Benji,
this is crazy, but the decision is simple, take Andy number seventeen thousand
and four, he’s clearly shown the most interest in football.
Benji: You’re
right! Too bad that cat was eliminated
in the seventeenth round of the coin flipping competition.
Katie: But…
Benji: I SAID HE
WAS ELIMINATED!
Scene Three:
“Pushor to Asham via the Connection”
Location: A Downtown Bound 8 Train
Characters: The Gang, Benji, and extra people on the subway
People on Subway: LET’S GO XTREME. * clap clap clap-clap-clap * [Repeat as many times as necessary]
Katie: Shut up!
People: WE’RE
NOT SHUTTING UP. * clap clap
clap-clap-clap *
Benji: Ah, the
wonders of the annual Dayboqrx U-Dayboqrx State football game, I love it every
year.
John: Benji, you
didn’t go to either University, you went to Rineling.
James: Rineling,
eh? I hear the Wildcats are 1 and 6
this season.
Benji: Shut up,
they’re in rebuilding.
Katie: It’s a
college, every team rebuilds every year.
Benji: Be that
as it may, GO WILDCATS!
Joe: Yeah, go
Superman!!
Katie: Joe, what
are you talking about?
Joe: What? We’re not going to the “Superman on Ice”
show at Dayboqrx Arena?
Katie: No, we’re
going to the Homecoming football game.
Joe: You mean I
bought this “I love Superman” shirt for nothing?
John: No, you
bought that shirt so we can make fun of you for it. [laughs] Look at that shirt, it’s so…[laughs hysterically]
James: John,
you’re wearing the same shirt.
John: Damn it, I
hoped nobody would point that out.
Katie: Yeah,
what are you doing with that shirt on?
John: Well last
night I was out walking when I ran into this guy on the street selling bootleg
movies and then it started to rain…
James: It’s
always raining.
John: …Way to
interrupt me James, I was going good there, anyway, it started to rain so I ran
for cover under the tallest mushroom I could find.
Joe: What are
you talking about?
John: I have
absolutely no idea.
James: I do
remember that yesterday you bet me that you could hit the mountain on a throw
with a rock.
John: Is that
where my ten dollars went?
James: Yep.
Joe: Anyway,
where are we going again?
[The Gang
groans]
Joe: What?
John: We’ve been
through this before.
Joe: I know…I
can’t wait to see Superman in figure skates.
Katie: Fine,
we’ll go to the Superman show tomorrow.
Joe: What
Superman show, I thought we were going to a football game.
[Katie groans]
Joe: Gee, why is
everybody so grumpy today, we get to see a great baseball game.
John: Joe, why
do you keep changing the thing we’re going to?
[the train
screeches to a halt and the lights go out]
James: Game is
in half an hour, and this happens?
John: This is
Dayboqrx, what did you expect?
James: Obviously
not this.
Conductor [over
the intercom]: We are expecting a three hour delay, so please excuse me while I
go get a sandwich.
Person on
Subway: THREE HOURS!
Katie: That’s
what he said, do you have a hearing problem or something?
John: What are
we gonna do now?
James: Make a
break for it and run to the stadium.
John: Do you
know how little sense that makes, we’re at 130th Street and Pushor,
the stadium is at 213th and Tragedy.
Joe:
Tragedy??? I’m scared.
John: Our
college is on that avenue.
Joe: It is…OH MY
GOD! [a panicked Joe runs into the next subway car into a very tall man]
Joe: Sorry.
Tall Man:
Sorry. Well, sorry doesn’t cut it where
you’re going? Tragedy Avenue!
Joe:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Scene Four:
“Viva Las Vega”
Location: Outside Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Ticket Guy
John: I can’t
believe we made it in time.
Katie: It’s a
good thing I can fly.
James: Right,
what she said……wait a minute, what?
Katie: Don’t you
remember me flying here?
[flashback to
Katie flying above the guys
Katie: You look like ants to me!
John:
You’re floating about seven feet above the ground…look, I can touch you with my
hand. [he goes to touch her]
Katie:
Do not disrupt the flying person.
James:
Katie, come down.
Katie: No, it’s a good thing I can fly because I’m so great.
end flashback]
Joe: When did that
happen?
Katie: About a
month ago…notice how it was raining in the flashback.
John: It’s
raining now!
Katie: And it
was raining in the flashback, pay attention John.
Benji: Oh, we’re
next on line to get in, you got the tickets?
Joe: What
tickets? Oh, you mean those things I
shredded yesterday?
Everyone Else:
WHAT?
Joe: Well, I
needed to test if the shredder worked, so I grabbed the nearest things I could
find.
John: We don’t
own a shredder.
Joe: Shredder,
toaster, whatever, I needed to test it with expensive tickets.
Dr. Johnson: Hey
guys, I couldn’t help overhearing your plot.
James: Because
you’re holding a funnel to your ear to bring in sounds.
Dr. Johnson:
Correct, see, you’re good for something Mr. Achaia.
James: When did
anyone say I wasn’t?
Dr. Johnson:
When I was badmouthing you to Benji’s cats last night.
James: Hey, if
anyone here is an idiot, it’s John.
John: What? Joe’s the one who destroyed the tickets.
James: But that
was a one-time mistake, he’ll never do it again.
Joe: I just
bought new tickets and destroyed them again.
John: How much
have we spent on tickets so far?
Joe: 210
dollars.
John: You sure
did calculate that fast.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, I have six tickets, so if the five of you want to join me, there you go.
Katie: That’s
very nice of you Bill.
Dr. Johnson:
Call me Dr. Johnson, or Ultra God.
Ticket Guy: Can
I see you’re tickets.
Dr. Johnson:
Here’s six of them for the six of us.
Ticket Guy:
Okay…wait a minute, sir?
Katie: Yes.
Ticket Guy:
Wait, you’re the only girl, why were you the only who answered?
Katie: Because
I’m great.
Ticket Guy:
Okay, I’m talking to the guy with the cat, no animals allowed in Vega Coliseum.
[Benji breaks
down and begins crying]
Ticket Guy: I’m
sorry, it’s a rule, the rest of you can go on in, I can discuss with this guy
where he can keep his cats.
Benji: I’m
leaving! [he runs away, dropping the cat]
Dr. Johnson: You
forgot Andy number two hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred ninety-one!
Benji: I’M SORRY
[he picks up the cat and runs away]
Ticket Guy: You
five can go on in.
Dr. Johnson:
I’ve got a wicked idea.
John: I don’t
wanna know it.
Dr. Johnson: I’m
gonna tell you anyway, but I’m gonna whisper it so nobody hears me. [yelling] I’M GONNA TRY TO SNEAK ONTO THE
FIELD AND PLAY FOR THE XTREME!
Katie: Excellent
whispering skills.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Pure Bred Stealth”
Location: Vega Coliseum
Characters: Benji and a Security Guard
Benji: Okay my
baby, I know that mean guy who was taking the tickets may have been a total
jerk and kept us from getting into the stadium…but I have my ways.
Security Guard:
Excuse me sir, are you trying to smuggle that cat into the stadium?
Benji: Who are
you calling a cat?
Security Guard:
That cat in your hands.
Benji: You dare
call my baby a cat!
Security Guard:
Looks a little too furry to be a baby.
Benji: Listen to
this guy Andy, he’s calling you too furry to be my baby.
Security Guard:
No, I said too furry to be A baby.
Benji: Now who’s
putting words in your mouth?
Security Guard:
You?
Benji: Damn,
you’re too quick for me.
Security Guard:
Stop playing mind games, I’m not letting that cat into the stadium, it’s
against stadium rules.
Benji: Says who?
Security Guard:
Says the stadium rules!
Benji: That
makes sense…unlike me, I make no sense at all.
Security Guard:
I gathered.
Benji: How dare
you insult this cat like that!
Security Guard:
I insulted you, and now you just said that was a cat.
Benji: See, now
you’re putting words in MY mouth.
Security Guard:
What’s wrong with you?
Benji: You’re
wrong with me.
Security Guard:
What?
Benji: You heard
me.
Security Guard:
I did, but you just don’t make sense.
Benji: Fifty
dollars.
Security Guard:
Excuse me?
Benji: You’re
excused, sixty dollars!
Security Guard:
Why are you bringing the price up?
Benji: One
hundred dollars!
Security Guard:
What are you bidding on?
Benji: You’re
soul!
Security Guard:
Huh?
Benji: Ten
dollars.
Security Guard:
Why are you bringing the price down?
Benji: Look over
there. [he points]
Security Guard:
No.
Benji: No
seriously, look over there!
Security Guard:
And I’ll look, you’ll run past me, and bring your cat into the stadium.
[all of Benji’s
cats run over the Security Guard as Benji runs into the stadium]
Benji: Sucker!!!
Security Guard:
I will get you, you insane lunatic.
Benji [yelling
from the distance]: You’re being redundant.
Security Guard:
Shut up!
Scene Six:
“A Game of Parsecs”
Location: Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Andrea
Dr. Johnson: I
remember my days of playing for Dayboqrx University. I suffered so many concussions that I can barely see straight
anymore.
John: Is that
why you’re so weird?
Dr. Johnson:
Take that back Mr. Termine.
Joe: I didn’t
say that.
Dr. Johnson: You
too Mr. Achaia.
James: No, that
was Joe.
Dr. Johnson: Mr.
Painting, that’s enough outta you, I’m here to watch a great game of soccer.
Katie: This is a
football game.
Dr. Johnson: And
football is in most nations what soccer is here, you crazy Dayboqrxians, I just
got back from Italy, so I’m a bit confused.
John: Dr.
Johnson?
Dr. Johnson:
What is it Ms. Katie?
John:
What?? Anyway, if nobody is allowed to
leave Dayboqrx once they enter, how did you go to Italy?
Dr. Johnson: My
mind went to Italy.
Joe: Since your
so absent minded, is it still in Italy?
Dr. Johnson: Be
quiet Ms. Kim.
John: What,
Andrea isn’t here.
Andrea [popping
up out of nowhere]: Hi guys.
[Everybody is
startled except Katie]
Katie: Ahem.
Andrea: Sorry,
guys and Katie.
Katie: Ahem.
Andrea: What?
Katie: Say,
“guys and Katie,” not just guys.
Andrea: I did
already.
Katie: Sure you
did…you know, I never trusted the mental stability of this one.
Andrea: You’re
talking to my face.
Katie: I was
talking about Joe.
Joe: What?
Katie: Nothing.
Dr. Johnson: As
I was saying, soccer is a game of parsecs, if you’re off by just a single
parsec on any play, you’re not gonna win the game at all.
Katie: Dr.
Johnson, I know what you’re trying to do here…telling some kind of terrible
cosmology joke, but since you don’t teach us…none of us get it.
Dr. Johnson:
It’s simple Ms. Katie, if you screw up, you lose.
Katie: That doesn’t
tell us what a parsec is.
Dr. Johnson: And
I never will…test Monday on parsecs.
Andrea: You
suck.
Dr. Johnson:
Take that back Mr. Painting.
John: You still
suck.
Scene Seven:
“Sail Away With the Orinoco Flow”
Location: Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Benji
Announcer: With
that touchdown, Dayboqrx takes a 13-0 lead over the rival Dayboqrx State
Titans.
[The band begins
playing a completely out of key fight song]
Joe: Ow, this
song is so horrible, it’s making my ears hurt.
James: I know,
this is already the second time third time they’ve played it, it gets worse and
worse.
Dr. Johnson:
Thanks, I wrote this song.
Katie: How come
that doesn’t surprise me, it sounds so horrible, you must’ve wrote it.
Dr. Johnson: Not
the music stupid, the lyrics.
John: Then if
you wrote them, sing the lyrics for us.
Dr. Johnson:
Sorry, I need the sing it from the beginning, otherwise it doesn’t make sense.
James: Fine,
we’ll just wait for Dayboqrx to score a touchdown again.
Dr. Johnson:
Sure, like that will happen.
Announcer: The
Titans fumble, and the Xtreme recover, and they take it to the end zone,
TOUCHDOWN.
Dr. Johnson: Oh
crap.
[The horrible
music starts up again]
John: Sing it
buddy.
Dr. Johnson
[singing:
We are the Xtreme, ferocious and penguin-like
We wear our
teal and tan, and we are very penguin-like
And when we
see the Titans, we like to rip their brains out
Screw you
Dayboqrx State, I hate you, you ruined my childhood
I want to
burn your university to the ground and then see who’s laughing
I HATE YOU
DSU, screw the Titans, you’ve ruined my life
I can’t stand
to see your ugly orange and blue uniforms, it destroys my retinas
If it were up to me, I’d destroy your football stadium so
you could never win again…]
James: Dr.
Johnson, the song’s over and you’re still singing.
Dr. Johnson:
Sorry, they just played the short version of the fight song there, I was
singing the “little bit longer” version.
John: It gets
longer and goes on from there, oh dear Lord.
Dr. Johnson:
They’ll play the long version if they score again this quarter.
Announcer:
That’s the end of the first quarter with the score Xtreme 20-Titans 0.
Dr. Johnson:
Damn it.
[Sequence: The
Gang continues to watch as Dayboqrx runs up the score on Dayboqrx State, every
time they score, Dr. Johnson sings the fight song. The Gang also watches as Dayboqrx State quarterback Juan Orinoco
is taken out after suffering a concussion]
Announcer:
Dayboqrx ball, first and ten from the Titans 24 yard line.
John: This is
exciting, isn’t it?
Katie: It sure
is…WEEEEE!!!! [she leaps up and spills her soda on everybody but her]
Joe: Katie, what
are you doing?
Katie: Testing
greatness. If you got soda on you,
you’re not great.
James: I think I
see a spot on you.
Katie: Where,
that’s impossible! [she begins panicking and spinning in circles]
Dr. Johnson: You
know, if Dayboqrx scores again this quarter, they get to play the long version.
James: Oh dear
God, please don’t score again.
John: There’s
only twenty seconds left, it looks doubtful.
Announcer:
TOUCHDOWN DAYBOQRX!!!
Dr. Johnson
[singing:
We are the Xtreme, ferocious and penguin-like
We wear our
teal and tan, and we are very penguin-like…]
Benji
[interrupting him]: Hi guys.
[everyone is
startled except for Katie]
Katie: Ahem.
Benji: What?
Katie:
You…interrupted Dr. Johnson, he was going good there.
Dr. Johnson: You
just better hope the Xtreme score 27 more points in the third quarter.
Announcer:
That’s the end of the first half with the score Xtreme 47-Titans 9.
John: Can you
spell blowout?
Everyone: Yes.
John: I know, it
was just a figure of speech.
Katie [as the
team walks into the tunnel]: Hi, you’re
winning today only because I’m here, and I’m so great that I bring victory
wherever I go.
Player: We’ve
only lost one game this season.
Katie: Because I
wasn’t there.
John: This is
the first game you’ve been too.
Katie: Shut up
John, I’m trying to trick these football players.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“Ideal Projectile Motion, Revisited”
Location: Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Benji
Dr. Johnson: Alright, now that the game is starting to get out of reach, I’m going to try to sneak onto the field.
Katie: Good
luck…seeing as you haven’t played in thirteen years.
Dr. Johnson:
Once Xtreme, always Xtreme.
John: True, you
sure are very extreme Dr. Johnson.
Dr. Johnson: No,
X-treme. X, not E-X.
John: How could
you hear the difference?
Dr. Johnson: I
have skills. [he runs onto the sideline fully clad in a teal uniform]
John: Hey James.
James: What?
John: See this
rock.
James: Oh, don’t
start this again.
John: Betcha I
can hit the Xtreme’s star quarterback…what’s his name?
James: Martin
St. Vincent.
John: Yeah,
betcha I can hit him in the throwing arm with this sharp jagged rock and knock
him out of the game.
James: Why would
you want to do that?
John: To impress
that girl over there. [he points to a girl a few rows up wearing an orange
Dayboqrx State jersey and waving]
James: John,
she’s clearly a State fan.
John: But a girl
nonetheless.
James: Good
thing you’ll never hit him in a million years.
[ John throws
the rock and it hits the QB square in the throwing arm]
Martin: Oh my
God, my arm. [he collapses onto the ground]
John: I Win!
Joe: And now
Dayboqrx will lose.
John: Relax, the
Xtreme are winning by 38 points, no way they can lose. [he glances up to see
the girl, and realizes she’s gone] Damn
it!
Katie: Now look
what you did…now they have to bring in their backup Willoughby.
Benji:
Willoughby is my favorite quarterback in the whole DCAC.
John: When did
you get here Benji?
Benji: During
the second quarter…I scared the living daylights out of you, don’t you
remember?
John: Is this
before or after I hit the quarterback with the rock?
Benji:
Before…man, you’re quite the idiot.
John: Me, what
about…how’d you get that cat in here?
Benji: I’m too
good for my own boots.
John: What are
you talking about?
Benji: I sold my
boots to some cowboy.
Scene Nine:
“The Titanic Comeback”
Location: Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Benji
John: Do you
think the Titans will comeback, now that Dayboqrx doesn’t have their star
quarterback?
James: Probably.
Joe: Yes.
Katie:
Guaranteed.
Benji: Is that
Bill on the field?
[Dr. Johnson
waves to the Gang and Benji as the play begins]
John: He really
should pay attention.
[The Titan
running back runs him over and runs for a long touchdown]
James: Stupid
Dr. Johnson…what do you say that’s another concussion for him?
John: Probably.
Joe: Yes.
Katie:
Guaranteed.
Benji: What’s
the score?
John: 47-16…no
worries, this game is out of reach.
[The Gang
watches as Dayboqrx State begins a furious comeback, scoring touchdowns
seemingly at will, Dr. Johnson continuously tries to sneak onto the field, and
continues to get run over]
Announcer:
That’s the end of the third quarter with the score Xtreme 50-Titans 37.
John: See,
Dayboqrx has this in the bag, they’re up by 13.
James: They were
up by 38.
Katie: They got
outscored 28-3 this quarter…if that happens again…[she starts counting on her
fingers]…well, I can’t count that high, but they’ll probably lose.
John: Relax,
that can’t happen, Dr. Johnson’s on the field.
Announcer:
Touchdown Titans…that’s the fifth time that new linebacker has been run over
today for a touchdown, and the Titans cut the lead down to 50-44.
James: Are you
happy now, one more touchdown and the Titans take the lead.
John: This is
crazy talk, that will never happen.
Announcer:
Johnson fumbles the kick-off, recovered by the Titans in the end zone,
touchdown, and the Titans take an improbable lead.
Joe: John, if we
took a car here, I’d make you wait in it.
Benji: Me
too…stupid head.
John: Gee, well
so-rry I had to completely ruin a game Dayboqrx had in the bag to tie the
standings in the conference with three games to play, but instead I went and
made sure there was no way in hell the Xtreme could win the conference.
James: Oh, I forgot
about that…good going John!
Scene Ten:
“Two Point Conversion”
Location: Vega Coliseum
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Announcer:
TOUCHDOWN DAYBOQRX AS TIME EXPIRES!
John: I told you
they’d win.
Announcer: The
Xtreme trail 58-56 with a potential two point conversion to tie the game here.
James: So they
aren’t winning yet John, they can only win in overtime…good job.
John: I did do a
good job.
James: I was
being extremely sarcastic, you didn’t do a good job.
Benji: I know
how we can get Dayboqrx to win…I can do my crazy flailing cat dance.
John: Please
don’t.
Benji: Oh but I
will. [Benji begins dancing strangely]
Katie: Make him
stop!
Joe: I’ll handle
this.
[ Joe pushes
Benji causing him to throw the cat onto the field]
Announcer: And
now there’s a cat on the field…how in the world did that happen, cats are
expressly not allowed in Vega Coliseum…and now it’s gonna force the Xtreme to
burn their final timeout.
Joe: At least
they had the timeout, so there’s really no harm in that.
Security Guard:
I gotcha! [he grabs Benji and pulls him away] You’re going to the Coliseum jail
until the game ends.
Benji: The game
is almost over anyway.
Security Guard:
Hey, did I say you can talk?
Benji: You
didn’t say I couldn’t talk.
Security Guard:
Okay, shut up.
Benji: SAVE ME
KATIE!
Security Guard:
That doesn’t sound like shutting up to me.
Benji: It did to
me.
John: Anyway, I
have a foolproof plan that will make Dayboqrx win this game…or at least tie it
and force overtime. [he picks up another rock]
James: Does this
involve throwing rocks?
John [clearly
holding a rock]: Maybe.
James: Is this
as foolproof as your plan to hit the quarterback, or your plan to hit the
mountain’s eyes.
John: I’m gonna
hit the Titans linebacker in the back, and when they get confused and don’t know
what to do, they’ll screw up and let the Xtreme tie the game.
Announcer: And
the Xtreme come to the line for this pivotal two point conversion attempt.
[ John throws
the rock, and it misses its target]
Announcer:
And…wait a minute, Dayboqrx’s star running back has gone down in pain…it seems
that he was hit in the eyes with a rock…how ironic that both the Xtreme’s
quarterback and running back would each be hit with a rock, knocking them out
of a very important rivalry game in a matter of a few hours or so…this game is
just crazy!
John: Damn it!
James: Okay
John, promise me something.
John: What?
James [yelling]:
COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THROWING JAGGED ROCKS AT THE PLAYERS NOW?
John: I could
try.
Announcer:
Without a timeout, Dayboqrx will get called for delaying the game, knocking
them back five more yards, making this a conversion attempt from eight yards
out instead of three.
Joe: Wait in the
car John.
John: We don’t
have a car.
Joe [yelling]: I
SAID WAIT IN THE CAR!
[ John walks
away sadly]
Announcer: Willoughby
back to pass, he’s under heavy pressure, hit as he throws it high in the air,
and it’s intercepted in the end zone to end the game…Titans win a wild one
58-56.
Katie: Stupid
Benji, ruining the game with his cat.
James: What
about John and the rock?
Katie: That was
John! Damn it, I’m gonna settle a score
with him when we get home.
Joe: What score
would that be?
Katie: Titans
58-Xtreme 51.
James: You mean
56.
Katie: I’d like
to embellish it to make him feel worse.
Joe: He knows it
was 58-56 when we made him wait in the car.
Katie: Shhhh, he
doesn’t know that.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”Throw Johnny From the Train”
Location: An Uptown Bound 8 Train
Characters: The Gang, people on the subway
James: Now John,
don’t feel bad, but I got a restraining order that forces you to remain ten
feet from all rocks at all times.
John: How am I
supposed to walk on gravel then?
James: I suppose
you won’t be able to.
John: The path
up to our house is gravel.
James: Is it
really, good luck with that.
Person on
Subway: I can’t believe some guy thought it would be a good idea to throw rocks
at the players.
John: GEEZ, I’M
SORRY, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
Person on
Subway: Hey, this guy did it…GET HIM!
[a mob attempts
to attack John, he gets off the subway, then tries to force everybody else to
stay on, as he sees tons of people swarming at him from the other subway doors]
John: Oh crap.
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