“On Our Own”

Episode Seven (#1P07)

The Gang Goes to Texas

Written By John Painting

Scene One:

“Noisemakers”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: Katie and Benji

[it’s late at night and a loud knock is heard at the door, eventually Katie gets up to answer it]

Katie: Who is it?

Benji [from outside]: The question is, what is it?

Katie: Benji, what are you talking about?

Benji: Let me in, it’s urgent!

Katie: I guarantee you it isn’t, but okay. [she lets him in] Now, what is so urgent that you had to wake us up?

Benji: I need to ask you to keep it down, you’re keeping my cats awake.

Katie: You’re the one that woke us up!

Benji [screaming]: Shhhh, stop talking, you’re loud.

Katie: You’re screaming at the top of your lungs.

Benji: Or so it would seem.

Katie: Good night Benji.

Benji: Wait, I have to ask you something.

Katie: What is it?

Benji: Could you keep it down a little?

Katie [now yelling]: Get out!

Benji: That’s better.

OPENING CREDITS

Song: (to the same theme music as Cheers)

1. Musical Beginning

2. Sometimes you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,

3. And you'll always be in pain.

4. You wanna be where you can see, the people are all insane,

5. You wanna go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.

6. Musical Ending

Sequence: (corresponding line by line from the song above)

1. A view of downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the screen.

2. John is seen, startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.

3. James is seen in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.

4. Joe is seen in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.

5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.

6. John comes running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your life." The Gang runs as the store collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting and James Achaia."

Scene Two:

“Night Lights”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: James, Joe, John, and Katie

Joe: It kinda looks like an airplane.

John: I’m telling you, that’s not an airplane.

Katie: And I’m telling you it is an airplane.

Joe: No, I was telling him it was an airplane.

Katie: Gee, why don’t we just jump all over the people who agree with you.

[ Joe jumps on top of Katie]

Katie: Aaah, get off me.

James: Joe, what are you doing?

Joe: Sorry, I decided to pull a Benji and take everything literally.

John: Okay, let me just say to all of us, that we shall never “pull a Benji” ever again.

James: I agree.

Katie: I’ll agree.

Joe: Me three!

John: Nobody said too.

Joe: I was still third, wasn’t I?
James: He’s gotcha there.

John: Look, it’s still there.

James: What the airplane?

John: IT’S NOT AN AIRPLANE!

Katie: Yes it is, look it’s getting closer.

Joe: Scary closer flying airplanes.
James: Actually, come to think of it, that no longer looks like an airplane.

John: It’s hard to tell against the rainy sky, so let’s not pass judgments.

Joe: Katie.

Katie: What?

Joe: Go long. [he holds a football that says “JUDGMENTS”]

John: You really are Benji, with taking everything literally and all.

Joe: It’s a gift.

John: No, it really isn’t.

Katie: It went away.

James: Did it?

Katie: No, I just enjoy lying to tease you guys and pull you around. [evil laugh]

John: Such a nice girl you are Katie.

Katie: Nice and great!

John: And not conceited at all.

James: Oh, you know what this “airplane/spacecraft” is?

John: Nobody said anything about a spacecraft James, what do you, work for the government or something? HEY EVERYBODY, JAMES WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT NOW!!! LET’S CALL HIM TOP SECRET FROM NOW ON.

James: That’s not funny, I don’t work for the government.

John: Sure you don’t Top Secret.

James: The airplane was really a spot on the window.

Joe: Good detective work Top Secret.

Katie: Isn’t that like a popcorn brand?

John: That’s Pop Secret.

Katie: Okay John, Mr. Popcorn Expert, hey that’s a good nickname for you.

John: What?

Katie: Go back to your Orville Redenbacher’s buddy.

James: Now who’s the nickname giver?
[long pause]

Joe: Katie?

Katie: Yes, thank you.

Scene Three:

“An Incident Has Been Incidented”

Location: Dr. Johnson’s Class

Characters: James, Joe, John, Katie, Benji, and Dr. Johnson, along with the rest of the class

Dr. Johnson: Alright class, take your seats.

Katie: There are no chairs to sit in.

Dr. Johnson: Oh right, I forgot about that. You have twenty seconds to sit down, c’mon, let’s go, hurry up.

Andrea: There are no chairs to sit in!

Dr. Johnson: C’mon class, problem solving, let’s go, if any of you expect to be cosmologists, you’d better learn to problem solve.

[ James pile drives him]

Dr. Johnson [from the ground in pain]: Excellent work Mr. Achaia, the chairs are in the closet.

John: Exactly what was that supposed to prove?

Dr. Johnson: That you can’t think straight.

John: You’re the insane one.

Dr. Johnson: This may be true, but…well, I can’t finish this sentence, anyway, open your books to page negative 12.

Amber: Sorry, but our books only have positive numbered pages.

Dr. Johnson: Oh, a smart ass, eh? Okay class, clear your desks, thanks to Ms. Stevenson, you now have a pop quiz.

Amber: My last name is Hope, Dr. Johnson.

Dr. Johnson: Quiet down Ms. Stevenson.

John: How could you give us a pop quiz when we haven’t covered any new information after the exam yesterday?

Dr. Johnson: Do not question the Ultra God. Number one, given x = 2.5, solve for y.

James: That’s not a question.

Dr. Johnson: Number two, where would you find a smirukel?

John: That’s not even a word.

Dr. Johnson: That’s enough out of you Mr. Painting, number three…

[Benji barges into the class]

Benji: OH MY GOD!

Dr. Johnson: What is it Benji?

Benji: SOMETHING DISASTRIOUS HAS OCCURRED!

Dr. Johnson: Yeah, you interrupted my pop quiz! Am I right folks??? [silence] Thanks, I’ll be hear all week, hey, try the veal…

Andrew: You’re not funny!

Dr. Johnson: Nor am I trying.

Benji: Stop stalling Bill.

Dr. Johnson: I’m…I’m not stalling, I’m just wondering what happened.

Benji: I just told you.

Dr. Johnson: No you didn’t.

Benji: I said something disastrous has occurred.

Dr. Johnson: That isn’t specific enough to tell me what the hell happened that’s so disastrous.

Benji: Yes it is.

Dr. Johnson: No, it really isn’t.

Benji: Well, I stopped by to take John, Joe, James, and Katie out of class so they can help me, you can come too, I’ll explain on the way to East Dayboqrx.

Dr. Johnson: Okay, let’s roll.

John: But what about…

Dr. Johnson: We’re going.

[the six of them leave]

Dr. Johnson [from outside]: YOU ALL FAIL!

Scene Four:

“Take a Walk on the Wild Side”

Location: Tragedy Avenue towards 216^th Street

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson

John: If we’re walking to the subway stop, why didn’t we just get into the train at 213^th Street, instead of walking three streets down to a busier subway stop?

Benji: But I need to explain the situation, so I figured it’s better to walk a few blocks.

Katie: Okay, but we’re already halfway to the stop and you haven’t said a word.

James: And you could have told us in the subway stop.

Benji: Technicalities.

Dr. Johnson: Damn it Benji, just tell us already.

Benji: No, I enjoy making you guys ponder about what it could be.

Joe: You’re a mean guy Benji…hey look, a guy in a wheelchair!

Katie: Joe, that was really insensitive.

Joe: Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking it too.

Katie: Well, I guess I was.

John: Stop talking, both of you evil, evil people.

Benji: I invited Uhdulph to help us out as well.

John: Speaking of evil people.

Benji: Oh look, a sale! [Benji runs across the street past rushing traffic]

Dr. Johnson: Now where’s he going?

John: Who knows…

Joe: Who cares?

James: Is he going over to Vaclav’s Discount?

Katie: I think so.

John: Only a crazy person could ever want to shop for discounts at Vaclav’s.

Benji: Look, rabid goat’s milk on sale for a dollar a gallon. You can’t get that kind of discount uptown!

James: Just proved you right John.

John: Thank you, Top Secret.

James: No, thank you, Mr. Popcorn Expert.

Dr. Johnson: Can I have a fancy nickname?

Katie: How about Captain Cosmology?

Dr. Johnson: I like it, except what the hell is cosmology?

Katie: The class you teach us.

Dr. Johnson: Right……teach.

John: What was the deal with that pop quiz you gave us today?

Dr. Johnson: What pop quiz?

James: Dr. Johnson, do you remember anything, EVER?

Dr. Johnson: I have a great memory, thank you very much.

Joe: What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Dr. Johnson: That’s easy…Sears.

John: You just read the name off that truck that passed by, Sears is a store, not an edible breakfast food.

Dr. Johnson: Shows what you know…now I’m gonna go enjoy eatin’ me some Sears.

John: You’ve got some problems.

Dr. Johnson: And how.

Joe: Benji, what the hell are you doing?

Benji: Capitalizing on this great sale. How often can you get rabid goat’s milk for this cheap in the city?

Katie: All you have to do is take a train ride into North Dayboqrx, and you can get it on that price when it’s not on sale. [everyone looks at her strangely] What, I read the newspaper? Did you actually think I enjoyed that crap?

John: For a second, yes…yes I did.

James: Anyway, Benji, whatever is so important couldn’t have been that important to drag us out of class if you can waste time looking at disgusting sales.

[Benji is seen sprinting down the street towards the subway]

Benji: Hurry up guys, they won’t save themselves!!!

John: Is anybody else getting a bad feeling about this whole thing?

Joe: Getting, I’ve had it since Benji barged in this morning.

James: I’ve had it for a while now too.

Dr. Johnson: And I’ve had it since I ate that expired Sears this morning.

COMMERCIAL

Scene Five:

“Subway Misadventures”

Location: The Connection subway stop

Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson

[The Gang and Dr. Johnson run down the stairs onto the subway platform]

John: Do you see him?

Dr. Johnson: There he is!

James: That’s a street musician.

Dr. Johnson: I thought Benji was a street musician.

Joe: You also thought Sears was a food.

Dr. Johnson: Touché.

Katie: There he is!

John: Oh my God, that is him! He’s on that P train!

Joe [uneasy]: Oh my God, Katie was right.

Katie: What’s that supposed to mean?

Joe: It’s supposed to mean that you were right.

Katie: That’s what I thought.

Joe: Then why did you ask?

Katie: Shut up Nicknameless Boy.

John: That’s the worst nickname I’ve ever heard.

Katie: Shut up Popcorn Boy.
John [offended]: It’s Mr. Popcorn Expert, get it right!

James: Ummm, we can continue this idiocy charade, but Benji’s getting on the wrong train.

Dr. Johnson: How do you know?

James: He said we had to go to East Dayboqrx.

John: When?

James: Before.

[flashback: earlier

Benji: Well, I stopped by to take John, Joe, James, and Katie out of class so they can help me, you can come too, I’ll explain on the way to East Dayboqrx.

Dr. Johnson: Okay, let’s roll.

end flashback]

John: Oh right, I forgot about that.

Dr. Johnson: Gee, how quickly we forget Mr. Painting.

John: Again, let me ask you what you had for breakfast this morning.

Katie: This isn’t changing the fact that Benji’s still on the wrong train.

Joe: It isn’t…damn, my mind powers are off then.

Dr. Johnson: So, what are you gonna do?

Joe: I’m gonna practice my mind powers a little harder…

Dr. Johnson: No, I mean what are the four of you gonna do about Benji being on the wrong train?

John: What about “we,” you’re here and a part of us too.

Dr. Johnson: I’m a part of you guys, when do I get initiated?

Joe: Wednesday.

James: We don’t have initiations.

Joe: What? You mean I drank pig’s blood for nothing?

John: That never happened.

Joe: Oh right, that was that cult I joined.

Katie: I bet that never happened either.

Joe: Tell that to the Followers of the Church of Elrock.

John: I think I will take it up in an angry letter or something.

Joe: Don’t try that, I tried that once, and they tried to kill me.

Katie: This is getting weird.

Joe: YOU’RE GETTING WEIRD.

Katie: I know, I’ve always been a little weird, and VERY GREAT!

James: Do we know what we’re going to do?

Dr. Johnson: I say we just get on the next train bound for East Dayboqrx.

John: How’s that going to help anything, we still don’t know where we’re going or what’s going on.

Katie: Things will work out in the end, things always do, like that time we thought you were attacked by the bear, John, you didn’t die did, you? No, everything turned out fine and worked out in the end.

James: Katie, that was last week.

Katie: Oh right, my short term memory is pretty terrible.

Dr. Johnson: You should take some of that Gorko Balboa.

John: Who is that, Rocky’s brother? It’s Ginko Biloba.

Dr. Johnson: Stop proving me wrong, you’re on flat ice, buddy.

John: Thin ice.

Dr. Johnson: Shut up, you’re starting to stick out like a store mum.

John: Sore thumb?

Dr. Johnson: What did I just say???

Scene Six:

“Dayboqrx Subways Are Red, Gold, and Green; Among Others”

Location: East Dayboqrx bound 8 train

Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Benji

Katie [singing out of key]: Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon…you come and go, you come and go-oh oh.

John: Will you shut up, Katie!

Katie [still singing badly]: Lovin’ would be easy if you’re colors were like my dream…

[Dr. Johnson pushes Katie]

Katie: What was that for???

Dr. Johnson: To shut you up!

Joe: The entire train is making sure to avoid this car because of your singing.

Katie: Well, they’re just confused by my greatness.

John: And confused by their bleeding ears.

Katie: How could they be confused about that, they know what caused it.

James: Anyway, we still haven’t come up with a plan, and we’re coming up on the last stop on the 8 train.

John: So do we transfer to the P or H train.

James: I say P, that’s the train Benji accidentally got onto.

[Benji walks in from the car beside them]

Dr. Johnson: There you are, you crazy imbecile!

Benji: I am not an infantile!

John: That’s not what he said.

Benji: It is, admit it.

James: Why did you get on the wrong train?

Benji: It was just an accident.

John: OR WAS IT INTENTIONAL!

Benji: This is me disregarding that comment.

John: Funny, it’s usually me saying that, not receiving it.

James: How’d you know we were on this train in the first place?

Benji: I just saw some people running from one subway car saying that some woman was singing horribly, so I figured it had to be Katie.

Katie: Hey!

Benji: Sorry, but it’s the truth.

Katie: Still, hey!

John: Benji, you never told us what’s going on.

Benji: Yes I did…cue flashback!

[flashback to earlier, Benji barges into the class in a Superman costume, except instead of an S, it’s a picture of a cat:

Benji: So we have to hurry up.

John: Man, Benji, that’s horrible, I’m not going to ask you to repeat that ever again, or ask you to tell us while we’re on a subway, or question you ever again you brave fearless soul.

Katie: And I’ll never sing on a subway.

Some Attractive Girl: He’s so cool! I love you Benji!

Benji: So let’s go…Justice Force to the rescue!

end flashback]

John: Benji, that definitely never happened.

James: So just tell us what we’re doing.

Benji: Fine, my cats were all kidnapped and we’re going to rescue them.

Dr. Johnson: That’s it? Pffft, I could be out drinking and partying right now.

John: It’s eleven in the morning, and I’m sure you’d have a class at this time.

Dr. Johnson: Who says you can’t drink during class.

James: The Dayboqrx University dean.

Dr. Johnson: Crap…please don’t tell him.

Katie: We won’t, but anyway, Benji, they stole all of your cats?

Benji: Yep.

Katie: All four million?

Benji: Yes, all of them.

John: What about Angie number three thousand four?

Benji: Yes, and she’s my favorite.

James: What about…

Benji: Yes.

James: You didn’t let me finish.

Benji: I knew where you were going with it.

John: Wow, you should read minds in your spare time.

Benji: I do.

[scene cuts to Benji reading the palm of an attractive blond woman]

Benji: You’re thinking, I want to have sex with this mind reader.

[she slaps him]

Benji: 0 for one.

[back to normal]

Joe: Where in East Dayboqrx are we going anyway?

Benji: Texas.

John: There’s a Texas in East Dayboqrx?

Benji: Yes, but it takes a REALLY long time to get there.

Scene Seven:

“The Ransom Note”

Location: Outside an apartment building on Carl Avenue

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson

Katie: So this is it?

Benji: Yep, 1329 Carl Avenue should be the place.

[meowing is heard from upstairs]

Joe: Is that them?
Benji: No, my cat’s cries are much higher pitched then that.

James: Sounds like there’s still about four million cats up there in that small apartment.

Benji: Are you saying I don’t know how my babies sound?

John: No one said babies.

Benji: I believe I did.

John: Fine, no one other than you said babies.

Benji: But that’s not what you said before…

John: It doesn’t matter what I said before, so just shut up.

Katie: Don’t get angry, you could start popping at any minute.

John: Why don’t you just shut up?

Katie: Because I’m too great to shut up.

James: Keep telling yourself that.

Katie: Hey Top Secret, are you implying that I have a lack, a dearth if you will, of greatness.

James: If using “big words” like dearth, if you can even call it that, it’s six letters, is gonna make me think you’re great, you are mistaken.

Katie: What if I hit you with this two by four?

James: Man you’re great.

Katie: Damn straight!

Dr. Johnson: Hey, I haven’t talked in a while.

Joe: There’s a reason.

Dr. Johnson: I just want to let you know that there’s a piece of paper on the door of the house with the cats.

Benji: Those aren’t my cats!

John [reading the note]: Benji, if those aren’t your cats, then why is this note written directly to you?

Benji: There could be millions of Benji’s in this city.

John: I know for a fact that you’re the only one.

Benji: Well I’ll be.

John: Yes, you would be a Benji.

Benji: Well, what the hell does the rest of the note say?

Joe: YEAH, WE’RE ALL DYING HERE!!!!!!

[Katie is lying on the ground]

Katie: Go on without me [cough] I’ll pull through.

John: What the hell is wrong with her?

James: Do you really need to ask, it’s Katie.

Katie: Oh sure, make fun [cough] of the dying [cough] girl………[cough].

John: You’re not sick, you’re just illustrating a bad pun!

Benji: For God’s sake, what does the rest of the note say???

Dr. Johnson: We’re dying out here.

James: Don’t start this again.

Katie: Yeah [cough then shakes her fist].

John: It doesn’t say anything else, it just says “Dear Benji,” on the top…wait a minute, there is more appearing on the bottom!

James: Are you sure it’s appearing, or are you just covering for the mistake you just made?

John: Let’s just say it’s a little…well mostly…actually all from column B, okay.

Katie: What is that, a brand of secret popcorn? Ha, I combined both of your nicknames, hahaha I’m great!

James: I thought you were dying or something?

Katie: [cough] That’s right there Top Secret.

[ James groans]

Benji: What does the rest of the note say?

John: Well it looks like a ransom note.

James: Well duh, of course it’s a ransom note, but what does it say?

John [reading]: Dear Benji,…

Katie: We know that part.

John: Well, if you would stop interrupting me, I would be able to finish.

James: That’s only the first time she interrupted you.

John: Yeah, but knowing Katie, she’ll do it again. Anyway, [begins reading again] Dear Benji, as you know, I have taken all…

Katie: All what, hurry up!

John [reading]: …of your cats as my personal hostage. If you do not meet the demands of myself and my corporation, expect to be eating some cat stew tonight…

Dr. Johnson: Mmm, cat stew.

John [reading]: …I am expecting to receive in the amount of ten thousand dollars in an unmarked plastic bag left on my doorstep followed by three quick knocks on the door by eight o’clock tonight. Upon receiving the money, you may have your cats back.

Katie: Well that was a boring story.

Joe: Benji, do you have that kind of money.

Benji: What do I look like, an ATM machine?

John: Well, when you’re wearing that ATM shirt, you look a little bit like one.

Benji: Hey, these shirts are stylin’.

James: Promise me you’ll never say that again.

Benji: I promise, yo.

James: Or that.

COMMERCIAL

Scene Eight:

“Benji Breaks Down”

Location: Outside an apartment building on Carl Avenue

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson

Katie: So, how are we gonna make ten thousand dollars by 8:00 tonight?

Dr. Johnson: Begging?

Joe: Looting?

Benji: Stealing?

Joe: Benji, stealing and looting are sorta the same thing.

Benji: No, I refute that…let’s get a dictionary.

Joe: How much are dictionaries?

Benji: ‘Bout twenty bucks.

Joe: Well, I’ve got ten, how much you got?

Benji: Ten.

Joe: Great, to the dictionary store!

[ Joe and Benji walk away]

John: Excuse me, we’re supposed to be saving our money for the ransom.

Benji: Oh right, I forgot about that.

James: How?

Benji: Never you mind, but still, how are we going to decide the matter of loot vs. steal?
Joe: Let’s just say that I won and leave it at that.

Benji: I’m not falling for that one again.

John: Will you two just shut up! We need to think of some kind of plan to make the money or steal the cats back.

Joe: You mean loot the cats back.

John: Shut up Joe.

Joe: Can do!

Dr. Johnson: I have an idea. [he whispers something in John’s ear]

John: No, we will not blow our money on alcohol and hope for the best.

Dr. Johnson: C’mon, Lefty can hook us up with some nice tequila, it’ll be fun.

John: Is anybody else taking this seriously?

James: I am.

Katie: Baking nits deliriously? John, now who’s the crazy one?

John: You, and you’re also the hard of hearing one.

Katie: I agree.

[long pause]

Dr. Johnson: Circle gets the square!

John: Will everybody please just shut up!

James: Where did Benji go?

[Benji is running down the street]

Dr. Johnson: Damn it, he’s heading for the zoo again.

John: Zoo??? Again???

Dr. Johnson: Yeah, any time Benji gets nervous and confused, he hides at the zoo.

Katie: In the animal cages.

Dr. Johnson: Unfortunately.

James: This is just great, we don’t have a plan, and Benji’s hiding out at the freakin’ zoo.

John: But anyway, did you seriously expect this mission to go well?

James: Not since it started.

John: Didn’t think so.

Scene Nine:

“Don’t Talk to Mr. Marbles”

Location: The Dayboqrx Zoo of Texas

Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Benji

Dr. Johnson: Now if I know Benji, he’s probably hiding out in one of three places.

Katie: Which are?
Dr. Johnson: My you’re an impatient one, aren’t you?

Katie: Hurry it up Captain Cosmology, I ain’t got all day.

Dr. Johnson: Anyway, he can be in one of three places…

Katie: WHICH ARE???

John: Katie, let him finish.

Katie: I did, he was done.

James: He clearly wasn’t done.

Joe: Even I knew he wasn’t done.

Dr. Johnson: Anyway…

Katie: WHICH ARE???

James: Katie, now you’re not even letting him get to the one of three places part…

Katie: WHICH ARE???

John: Oh my God, just ignore her doctor.

Dr. Johnson: The places are the jaguar pen, the monkey cage, and the circus tent.

Joe: Why does the zoo have a circus tent? In any case, can we go?

John: We can’t go, we have to find Benji, then save the cats from the kidnapper.

Dr. Johnson: Too bad it’s pouring out, the monkeys probably smell like nobody’s business.

James: Ew.

Dr. Johnson: Hey, you said it.

James: No, you’re definitely the one that said it.

Dr. Johnson: Whatever, let’s split up to find him. I’ll go to the jaguar pen, John and James go to the monkey cage, and Joe and Katie can go to the circus tent. If any of you find him, bring him back to the main entrance, we’ll meet up there.

John: Good plan Dr. Johnson, that’s the smartest thing I think I’ve ever heard you say.

Dr. Johnson: To the mausoleum!

[he runs away, Katie and Joe are also nowhere to be found]

James: I worry about him sometimes.

John: Which one?

James: It doesn’t matter.

John: Gotcha, so where are the monkey cages?

James: Right in front of us [he’s staring in the face of a monkey]

John: Oh, that was fast.

Benji [inside the cage]: HEY GUYS!

James: That was even faster.

John: What the hell are you doing in there?

Benji: Enjoying time with my best friend Mr. Marbles. Isn’t that right Mr. Marbles?

[a monkey nods his head]

Benji: Good Mr. Marbles, good monkey.

John: Why aren’t you trying to get your cats back?

Benji: I’m scared.

James: Well, you have to help us out here a little, we don’t even have a plan.

John: C’mon, let’s go, we have to meet up with the others at the zoo entrance.

Benji: Okay.

[the arrive at the entrance, no one is there, but just then, Dr. Johnson comes running]

Dr. Johnson: I found him! He’s by the…oh, hello Benji.

Benji: Hey Bill.

John: You were saying Dr. Johnson.

Dr. Johnson: Oh, never mind.

James: Hey, where are Joe and Katie?

[scene cuts to Joe and Katie in a circus act]

Joe: This is fun, isn’t it Katie?

Katie: This is so much more fun then that damn dramatic kidnapping act Benji’s putting on.

Joe: I think it’s real.

Katie [suddenly serious]: Uh oh.

Scene Ten:

“Planning With the Gang”

Location: Outside an apartment building on Carl Avenue

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson

Katie: Do we have a plan yet?

John: For the tenth time, no.

Joe: Are you sure, I distinctly remember us coming up with a plan.

John: For the eleventh time now, NO!

James: Are you sure?

John: James, yes I’m sure, do you remember coming up with a plan?

James: No, I just wanted to make you all angry and flustered and it looks like I’ve succeeded.

John: Oh well thank you very much Top Secret.

James: You’re welcome Mr. Popcorn Expert.

Benji: What the hell?

Katie: Shut up Cat Boy…hahaha Cat Boy, I love it.

Benji [crying]: Excuse me, my cats are kidnapped and we’re trying to get them back, thank you very much.

Katie: Sorry Benji.

Benji: It’s okay, I know how you can make it up to me.

Katie: In your dreams.

Benji: Oh, I know.

James: I think I have an idea.

John: Really?

James: No, I’m just messing with you.

John: Stop it.

James: Why?

John: Because it’s getting on my nerves.

James: Ooh, now I’ve really got an idea.

John: Okay, what?

James: How about, one of us sneaks in through that large hole in the third story, while those of us outside distract the kidnapper, then whoever went in lures all of the cats out the back fire escape.

John: Sounds like it could work, who’s gonna go in though?

Joe: I call not it.

Katie: NOT IT!

John: Not it.

Dr. Johnson: I’ll do it.

James: We can’t trust you, I’ll just go.

[ James climbs up through a small ladder on the side of the house and into the third story]

Benji: HEY KIDNAPPER, WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU!

Kidnapper [in the window]: Yeah Benji, and I need to talk to you.

Benji: Dad? What are you doing stealing my cats?

Benji’s Dad: C’mon son, you’re throwing your life away with these cats, I mean, every single day spent with your cats. You’re turning into even more of a gigantic loser. I swear to God, if you go out and buy another cat, I’m not just going to take it, I’m gonna kill it. You could’ve done something with your life, like be a cosmology professor or something…

Dr. Johnson: No, I took that path, and it didn’t get me anywhere special.

Benji’s dad: So son, please just get rid of the cats.

[ James appears with four million cats behind him]

James: I got the cats, let’s go.

Benji: Bye dad!

Benji’s Dad: Damn it, how did this plan not work, not ending up with me ten thousand dollars richer? Well, back to the drawing board.

[ The gang, Benji, and Dr. Johnson, are running down the street]

John: How’d you get the cats so quickly without Benji’s father hearing you?

James: Don’t you know??? I’m Top Secret.

[dramatic music]

COMMERCIAL

Scene Eleven:
”Back to ‘Normal’”