“On Our Own”
Episode Three (#1P03)
The Gang Goes to Class
Written
By John Painting
Main
characters appearing in this episode (in age order):
John
Painting, 16
Joe
Termine, 17
James
Achaia, 17
Katie,
18
Left
Eye Davidson, 27
Benji, 31
Dr. Bill Johnson, 35
Scene One:
“The 8 Train”
Location:
A downtown-bound 8 train
Characters:
The Gang
Katie:
Well, the first day of classes has officially arrived.
John:
And the damn 8 trains aren’t as crowded as I feared they would be.
James:
Yeah. Hey, I wonder what our professors
are going to be like.
Joe:
I hope none of them are really eccentric and strange.
[big
flashing red text on the screen: “THIS IS FORESHADOWING”]
John:
Hey, you know what I just realized?
James:
What?
John:
Katie, how long have we known you?
Katie:
About three years, why?
John:
James, Joe, do either of you know Katie’s last name?
[
James and Joe stare at each other blankly]
Katie:
Oh my God, none of you know my last name?!?!
John:
Well, you have concealed it so well.
Joe:
So, what is it?
Katie:
Easy, it’s Johnson.
James:
You’re just looking at your schedule and our first teacher is Johnson.
Katie:
Fine you got me, it’s [she says it as the subway car screeches around a curve].
John:
Oh, see I knew that.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Cosmology the Wrong Way”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s Auditorium
Characters:
The Gang, Dr. Johnson, and the class
[The
Gang is seen filing into a small auditorium, filled with about 15 people]
Dr.
Johnson: Don’t get too comfortable, you don’t have assigned seats. Sit wherever
you want.
John:
Wait, don’t get too comfortable, we can sit wherever we want?
James:
I don’t like the sound of that.
Dr.
Johnson: You have ten seconds to sit down or else face the consequences!
[Everybody
scrambles to sit down]
Dr.
Johnson: 10…9…8…7…5…3…6…2…4…1…and sitting!
[All
but Joe are sitting]
Dr.
Johnson: And what is your name young man?
Joe:
My name is Ha- Habib.
Dr.
Johnson: Okay, listen Ha- Habib, I am the king of this room.
Joe:
Okay.
[
John and James are sitting next to each other in the third row, Joe is in the
seventh row, Katie is in the fourth.]
Dr.
Johnson: Alright then, why don’t we get started. My name is Professor Doctor Sir Bill Johnson. You can refer to me as Dr. Johnson, Mr.
Johnson, or my personal favorite, God. [pauses] Nah, I’m just kidding. I
prefer Ultra God. Anyway, let’s go with
roll call.
John:
Maybe now we’ll learn Katie’s last name.
James:
Right, because of the roll call thing.
John:
Precisely.
James:
Oooooh, precisely, what a good word.
What are you, some kind of British detective now?
John:
Maybe I am James, maybe I am.
Dr.
Johnson: James Achaia?
[
James raises his hand]
Dr.
Johnson: Kelly Ambrosio?…Jamie Charboneau?…Brad Dostie?…Gregg Flatt?
John:
Listen up, Katie’s name can turn up at any time.
Dr.
Johnson: …Amber Hope?…
James:
I didn’t hear that last one, you were talking!
John:
It was Amber Hope.
James:
No it wasn’t.
Amber
Hope [who is sitting right next to James]: Yes it was.
James:
And who are you to tell me that was Amber Hope?
Amber:
Amber Hope.
James:
Oh. [pause] Carry on then.
Dr.
Johnson: …Emily Kidder?…
James:
We missed that one too!
John:
Calm down, it wasn’t Katie, so just shut up and listen.
Dr.
Johnson: …Andrea Kim?…Eric Loeffler?… Julia Meacham?… Andrew Nowell?…John
Painting?…
[
John raises his hand]
Dr.
Johnson: Daniel Rupert?…Katie OH MY GOD, I’M SORRY YOU HAVE THAT LAST NAME!
[
James and John look at each other confused]
Katie:
Yeah well, I’ve learned to live with it through all 18 of these years.
John:
18? I thought she was 17.
James:
Oh crap, today’s her birthday.
John:
Oh well, this is just great.
Dr.
Johnson: Yeah, but still…yikes, I mean I would hate to have that as my last
name.
Katie:
Well, I’ll possibly be changing it soon.
Dr.
Johnson: That’s a good idea Ms. Katie.
For all of you who want to know, I will be referring to you on a last
name basis, um, with the exception of Ms. Katie over here.
John:
Well, I guess we’re not gonna learn her last name yet.
James:
We need to come up with a plan B.
John:
That was plan B.
James:
Really? Then what was plan A?
John:
Plan A was asking her what her last name is.
James:
When did we do plan A?
John:
On the subway on our way here, she wouldn’t answer.
James:
I think I would remember something like that.
[Dr.
Johnson has finished up calling roll]
John:
You have an atrocious memory.
Dr.
Johnson: Do you two gentlemen care to share your side conversation with the
rest of the class?
James:
Well, John and I were just discussing how we can figure out Katie’s last name
without her…[ John elbows him].
John:
Shut up.
James:
That hurt!
Dr.
Johnson: Well Mr. Painting, Mr. Achaia, how about I continue with the lesson
plans for today?
James:
Go right ahead.
Dr.
Johnson: Okay, so what is cosmology?
[Andrea
Kim raises her hand]
Dr.
Johnson: Yes Ms. Kim.
Andrea
Kim: Well, in short, cosmology is the study of the astrophysical aspects of the
universe, its history, structure, and constituent dynamics, and is considered as a totality of phenomena in
time and space.
Dr.
Johnson: That is incorrect, you see, cosmology is [reading from a dictionary]
the study or art of cosmetics, makeup, and other salon materials.
John:
Um, Dr. Johnson, she was right and what you’re reading is the definition of
cosmetology.
Dr.
Johnson: I think I know the field that I am about to begin teaching for the
first time.
James:
First time? This informational packet
that you gave us when we walked in says you’ve been teaching Advanced Cosmology
for 17 years.
Dr.
Johnson: Sorry, that should say Advanced Cosmetology, but the University
recently switched me over to this since the other cosmology teacher went crazy.
Joe:
That’s pretty disturbing there Dr. Johnson.
Dr.
Johnson: Did I say you could talk Habib?
Joe:
That sign on the door says “Talking is allowed.”
Dr.
Johnson [turning around to the sign]: Well, that shouldn’t be there. Anyway, [points to the coffee machine] you,
hand out the textbooks. [points to the water cooler] You, read chapter one
aloud to the class. I’m gonna catch up
on sports news. [He opens the paper and sits back in his chair] Ha, Boston won.
Scene Three:
“Spies in Training”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John, James, and Joe, with Katie unseen
James: Time to
initiate Plan J.
John: This is
Plan C James, where have you been?
James: I think
we can all agree that we like the letter J.
So can we please call this Plan J?
John: It doesn’t
matter what letter we use, as long as we find out what her last name is.
Joe: I agree
with James, I think we should call it Plan J.
John: Fine, it’s
Plan J. Now, Katie went out to the
store with some money in her pocket and…
Joe: How about
Plan Orange?
John
[continuing]: …she left her purse behind.
Now, we know she is always driving around, so she must have her driver’s
license in here somewhere.
James: Unless of
course she drove to the market.
John: The market
is across the street, why would she drive?
Joe: Who knows,
it’s Katie.
James: Well, her
driver’s license is not in her purse, so she must have it with her.
John: But she’s
not driving anywhere!
Joe: Well, let’s
call her on her cell and see what the deal is.
John: Good idea,
what’s her number?
James: I can’t
believe you don’t know her number?
Joe: I know.
John: Listen,
none of us even know her last name. And
I bet neither of you know her cell phone number?
James: I don’t
have a clue.
Joe: I didn’t
know she had a cell phone until a few seconds ago.
John: Is this
it, 1-321-555-7613?
James: Yes!
Joe: Is it?
James: Oh, I
have no idea, but you could always try it.
John: Okay, here
goes.
[he dials the
number, and here’s a woman on the other end making car VROOM noises]
John: Katie???
Katie: Oh hey
John, what’s up?
John: What are
you doing?
Katie: I’m
driving.
John: Why, I
thought you were going to the store.
Katie: I am.
John: But the
store is across the street.
Katie: Is it?
John: Yes, yes
I’m sure it is.
Katie: Are you
sure?
John: What did I
just say?
Katie: I don’t
know, what did you just say?
John: Anyway, we
were wondering why you left your purse up here if you were driving.
Katie: I don’t
need it, I have money in my pocket.
John: But what
about, like, I don’t know, say, a driver’s license?
Katie: I don’t
have a driver’s license.
John: What?
James: What is it?
John: She said
she doesn’t have a driver’s license.
Katie: Who are
you talking to?
John: Um, Benji.
Katie: Why?
John: It doesn’t
matter, you just said you were driving, and now you’re saying you don’t own a
driver’s license.
Katie: I’m not
driving, I don’t even have a car.
John: You just
said…!
Katie: Listen, I
have no idea what you’re talking about.
Now, I have to concentrate on driving.
John [looking
out the window]: You say you don’t have a car?
Katie: That’s
right, listen, I’m at the store now, do…
John: No, I can
see you sitting in the driver’s seat of your car in park.
Katie: Where are
you?
John: Upstairs.
Katie [looking
up]: Oh hi John! [she waves]
John [waving
back]: Yeah hi. Now, what’s this about
not having a driver’s license?
Katie: Listen,
I’m driving into a tunnel, you’re getting all fuzzy.
John: You’re
still sitting in your parked car.
Katie: Damn it,
I forgot about that. Listen, I’m
actually going to the store now, what do you guys want?
John [to the guys]:
What do we want?
James: Her last
name, didn’t you create this plan in the first place?
John: FROM THE
STORE!
Katie: You want
my last name, why didn’t you just ask?
John: We did,
you wouldn’t tell us.
Katie: I told
you, it was Johnson.
John: We all
know it isn’t Johnson, Katie.
Katie: Gotta go,
tunnel! [she hangs up]
John: She had to
go, tunnel.
Joe: But, she’s
right outside.
John: I know
she’s right outside! She was lying!
James: Oh,
because she doesn’t want us to know her last name.
John: Excellent
detective work Sherlock!
James: My name
is James, I…oh, you were being sarcastic.
John: Well, Plan
C backfired.
James: You mean
Plan J?
Joe: I thought
it was Plan Orange.
John: It doesn’t
matter what the hell the plan was called, all we know is we’ve tried three
different ways of getting her last name, and all three have failed.
Joe: Hmmmm.
James: Maybe we
can ask Professor Johnson tomorrow.
John: Okay, I
guess we can make that Plan D.
James: But K
comes after J, John, learn the alphabet!
John: I’m gonna
disregard that last comment.
Joe: And Yellow
comes after Orange.
John: I’m
especially going to disregard that comment as well.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Four:
“Pleasant ‘Surprise’”
Location: The
First Floor Gentlemen’s Club
Characters:
John, James, and Dr. Johnson
[in the
penthouse elevator]
John: Great
baseball game, wouldn’t you say James?
James: Yeah, too
bad Dayboqrx lost 27-1.
John: At least
by the ninth inning, we were two of about 30 fans left in the stadium.
James: So, still
going with Plan K tomorrow.
John: If by K
you mean D, then yes, yes I am.
James: Third
floor, right?
John: Yes James,
we live on the third floor, we’ve only lived there for two weeks now, you’d
think you would know by now.
James: Oops.
John: What oops?
James: I hit the
button for one.
John: What’s on
the first floor?
James: The strip
club.
John: Oh well.
[they enter a
crowded strip club]
James: Do you
suppose Joe figured out Katie’s last name while we were at the game?
John: He’s
probably just going off on tangents about Plan Orange.
James: You mean
Plan J.
John: Why must
you insist on coming up with stupid things to annoy me all the time?
James: It’s just
so easy and fun!
John: Not from
my perspective it isn’t.
James: Well, of
course not from your perspective. Hey,
is that Professor Johnson on stage dancing with those two strippers?
John: I think it
is.
James: Oh, Dr.
Johnson…
Dr. Johnson: Hey
guys, what are you doing here?
John: We live in
the penthouse on the third floor.
Dr. Johnson:
Really?
James: Yes
really.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, do you know Benji?
John: Yes, we
know Benji.
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
you know Benji, yeah good guy, I gave him some cats a few years back. Listen, does he still have those cats?
John: I think
so.
Dr. Johnson: I’d
really like to see Benji, is he home right now?
James: I think
he’s working nights nowadays at the dog food factory.
Dr. Johnson: Ah,
dog food.
John: You say it
as if you love the stuff.
Dr. Johnson:
What are you implying?
John: What are you
implying?
James: Anyway,
we have to ask you a question.
Dr. Johnson: Is
this about the pop quiz tomorrow?
John: No…wait,
yes! What’s on the pop quiz tomorrow?
Dr. Johnson: All
of Chapter 32.
John: Chapter
32?
Dr. Johnson:
Yeah, but don’t tell anyone else I told you.
James: Our real
question is about Katie’s last name?
Dr. Johnson: Oh
that poor tortured soul.
John: Yeah,
about that, can you tell us what her last name is?
Dr. Johnson: You
don’t know?
James: She’s hid
it from us for three years.
Dr. Johnson: I
can see why. Well, goodbye.
[he moves to
leave]
John: Wait, you
didn’t answer our question!
[he ignores John
and leaves the club]
James: Well,
Plan K has failed.
John: Right,
Plan K.
Scene Five:
“But Boston Lost”
Location: Dr.
Johnson’s class
Characters: The
Gang, Dr. Johnson, and the class
Dr. Johnson: In
conclusion, good luck on today’s pop quiz.
John: Um, Dr.
Johnson?
Dr. Johnson:
What is it Mr. Painting?
John: This quiz
is on Chapter 31.
Dr. Johnson:
And?
John: Well, you
told us something about chapter 32 yesterday.
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
did I say Chapter 32, I meant Chapter 31.
Good luck class, you have ten minutes.
[every student
in the class scrambles to write down tons of information as the Gang looks
around wondering why they know nothing of the information covered]
John: Oh, this
is bad.
James: Yep, real
bad.
John: Look at
the first question: Explain in detail the theory of dark matter in relation to
explaining the deviation of galactic rotational curves from Keplerian
behavior. And number two: What is a
Schwarzschild radius? Think I should
just put “half of Schwarzschild?”
James: Well,
maybe we can fake the answers and hope for the best.
John: We have to
write something and then hope for the best.
James: Time to
initiate Plan R.
John: Shut up!
James: Listen, I
think I’m getting this, it’s not too difficult.
John: You’re
writing brands of makeup for each answer.
James: This is
cosmetology isn’t it?
[Meanwhile, on
the other side of the class]
Joe: Psst, girl!
Natalie Thrower:
My name is Natalie, I took the time to learn your name Joe, so why don’t you
take the time to learn mine.
Joe: Okay
girl. What’s the answer to number one?
Natalie: How the
hell should I know, nobody learned this stuff, this teacher is crazy.
Dr. Johnson: Ms.
Thrower, Mr. Termine, are you discussing answers?
Natalie: Joe is
trying to cheat.
Joe: I am not.
Dr. Johnson:
Stop interrupting my reading of the sports pages, you have three minutes
left. Ha, Boston won.
[Back to James
and John]
John: Boston
lost last night…
James: I know,
this guy is in cahoots.
Dr. Johnson:
TIME!
Andrea: You said
three minutes like a few seconds ago.
Dr. Johnson: I
changed my mind, pass them forward.
John: What a
jip!
Dr. Johnson:
Keep talking and this will be out of 700 points.
John: I’ll shut
up.
Dr. Johnson: I
hope you all enjoyed your chapter 31 pop quiz today, which just goes to show
you, you have to do the homework.
Andrew: You
didn’t assign homework last night.
Dr. Johnson:
That I didn’t, I guess it’s time to grade these puppies.
John: Oh God,
run for cover.
Dr. Johnson: I
shall grade these reverse alphabetically: Ms. Thrower, 10%.
Natalie: Hurray,
for one right!
Dr. Johnson: Mr.
Termine, 0%.
Joe: Yeah well,
that just goes to show you that that quiz sucked.
Dr. Johnson: Mr.
Tieu, 0%. Ms. Stark, 0%. Ms. Sta…I mean Ms. Katie [pauses] 0%.
John: Sta?
[time passes]
Dr. Johnson: Ms.
Thrower’s 10% is still the highest grade.
Last quiz is Mr. Achaia’s. [pauses] Perfect score.
James: Yeah
well, cosmology is easy.
John: You wrote
brands of makeup. I refuse to believe
that a Schwarzschild Radius is a Cover Girl.
Dr. Johnson: Too
bad, test is out of 100 points.
Scene Six:
“Dictator Soup”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John, James, Joe, Katie, and Benji
Benji: Listen,
me and Uhdulph were just wondering if you guys and girl wanted to have dinner
with us tomorrow night.
Katie: I have no
objection to it. Actually, my father
has been asking me about seeing the place, so maybe I’ll invite him too.
John: Sure why
don’t you invite Mr. Ummm, Mr. Katie’s father.
Katie: He has a
real last name John. I’ll be right
back.
Joe: Maybe this
is our chance to learn her last name.
James: Agreed,
time for Plan L.
John: Stop
giving these plans stupid letter names.
Benji: Wait a
minute, you don’t know her last name?
John: No, do
you?
Joe: Yeah, do
you?
Benji: I know it.
John: How?
Benji: Bill Johnson
told me last night.
James: Well what
is it.
Benji: I don’t
know what the big deal is about having the last name Stalin.
John: STALIN?
[Katie
re-enters]
Katie: Well, my
father Joseph will be here tomorrow night for dinner around 7-ish, okay? Wait a minute, who said Stalin?
John: Your last
name is Stalin?
James: Wait a
minute, your father’s first name is Joseph?
John: He’s
Joseph Stalin!?!
Katie: Well, if
you must know, it’s pronounced Sta-leen.
John: Even
still, what’s with all the dictators in this place?
Joe: Dinner
tonight with Heetlar and Sta-leen.
[ John, James,
and Joe break out laughing]
James: Does your
father even live in the city?
Katie: He lives
in East Dayboqrx, why?
James: Just
curious, what does he do?
Katie: He runs
the Stalin Wall Building Corporation.
[ John, James,
and Joe laugh again]
Katie: What’s so
funny?
John: It’s not
so much funny as it is ironic this time.
Benji: Anyway,
we’ll be over at about 6:30 tomorrow.
Catch you guys later.
Katie: Yeah bye,
and thanks a lot!
[Benji leaves]
Joe: So, Katie
Stalin…
Katie: Shut up
Joe.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Seven:
“The Biggest Bang Ever”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s class
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, and the class
Dr. Johnson:
Anyway, back in 1929, I was talking to Edwin Hubble, and this is back when he
informed me that a galaxy’s radial velocity is proportional to their
distance. I told him, “Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie, why don’t you publish these theories instead of telling them to me.” So he did.
James: He speaks
as if he was actually there, when we all know he wasn’t.
Dr. Johnson:
This eventually led to what Hubble is most known for. His space telescope.
Andrea: I think
you’re getting to Hubble’s constant, not the Hubble Space Telescope.
Dr. Johnson:
Well Ms. Kim, why don’t you just teach the class yourself, huh. Go, I’m just gonna sit here and read the
paper. [he opens the paper] Ha, Boston
won.
[a few minutes
go by, suddenly a lot of complicated math appears on the board]
Andrea: So,
based upon these derivations, what can you conclude are the units of Hubble’s
constant?
[every single
student is lost]
Andrea: It’s a
distance over time over another distance.
Andrew: Two
distances…wouldn’t that cancel out somehow.
Andrea:
Precisely.
Natalie: So,
what the hell was with all that crazy math?
Andrea: Anyway,
the units of Hubble’s constant are kilometers per second per mega parsec…
Joe: What the
hell is a mega parsec?
Andrea: A unit
of distance, equal to quite a lot of centimeters. [laughs at scientific humor
that puzzles the rest of the class]
Joe: Oh, that
explains everything.
Andrea: The
distances do cancel, and you end up getting 1 over time, and after doing some
calculations, you end up getting 2 Gigayears.
John: Gigayears,
that’s quite a lot of time.
Andrea: Research
would suggest that this should be the age of the universe, however, it was a
known fact at the time that the Earth itself was much older than this so
[laughs] something must have been wrong.
Danny: Umm, I
have a question.
Andrea: Yes.
Danny: If you’re
so smart, why are you taking this class?
Andrea: I need
it for some credit, anyway…
Danny: Then why
did you get a 0% on the quiz yesterday?
Andrea: Because
his answers were all cosmetics.
Dr. Johnson: And
how.
Andrea: Anyway,
it was later determined that Hubble had confused two different kinds of…
Dr. Johnson:
That’s enough, listen, the next time you show me up in front of the class, I’m
going to have to do something drastic.
Andrea: Like
what?
Dr. Johnson: I
don’t know, make fun of your name or something. [a loud bang outside] Crap, I
forgot about the demonstration.
John: What the
hell was that?
Dr. Johnson:
It’s the end of the world.
John: Elaborate
a little.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, it was a demonstration.
John: How is
that the end of the world?
Dr. Johnson: You
were supposed to have gotten to see a nice demonstration about the big bang, it
was great, me and Benji set it up last night, it was gonna be awesome.
James: You
didn’t answer his question.
Katie: Wait, did
you say you and Benji set it up?
Dr. Johnson:
Yep.
Katie: Damn, how
did that not backfire.
[another loud
explosion is heard]
Dr. Johnson: You
see, it just did backfire.
Scene Eight:
“An Awkward Dinner”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John, James, Joe, Katie, Benji, Uhdulph, and Mr. Stalin
Benji: Well, looks like we’re going to have a full table here tonight.
Uhdulph: Indeed,
what are we having.
John: Oh, it’s a
great delicacy, James and Joe are picking up the pizzas right now.
Uhdulph: Oh,
it’s just pizza.
John: Just
pizza? It’s not just pizza, it’s
Amazing Louie’s Fantastic Italian-Brand Pizza Flavored Pizza.
Benji: I would
have preferred meow-meows.
Katie: I just
got off the phone with my father, he said he just got off the subway and he
will be here any minute.
Benji: Where is
the closest subway stop, 130th St?
John: 80th
and Pushor, two blocks from here.
Benji: Close
enough.
John: Close
enough? You were off by 50 blocks.
Benji: Right,
out of 326 in this city. I’d say I was
close enough.
John: Whatever.
[a doorbell
rings]
Katie: I’ll get
it! [she begins to open the door] Father!
[it’s just James
and Joe]
James: Right,
father…where do you want these pizzas?
John: You can
leave them on the kitchen table for now.
Thanks guys.
Katie: Why did
you two ring the doorbell?
Joe: I decided
it would be a fun idea to make everyone think someone important had shown up.
Katie: Well, you
got me.
Benji: And me.
John: I wasn’t
fooled for a second.
[the doorbell
rings again]
Katie: I’ll get
it! [she begins to open the door] Father!
[it’s just a
crazy Psycho Killer]
Psycho Killer:
Right, which way to Benji’s apartment?
Katie: Who are
you?
Psycho Killer: A
man with a score to settle with Benji.
Katie: Well, I
don’t know where Benji is right now…
Benji: What are
you talking about Katie, I’m right here.
Katie: I swear
Benji, you’re the biggest moron I’ve ever met.
Bye now [she shuts the door].
John: Who the
hell was that?
Benji: I have no
idea.
Psycho Killer
[from outside the door]: You know who I am Benji!
Benji: Fine, an
old college buddy.
[sounds of a
chainsaw are heard]
James: Don’t ya
just love Dayboqrx?
[time passes]
Katie: What do
you suppose happened to my father between 80th Street and 78th
Street. I’m gonna call his cell again.
John: I wonder
if it had anything to do with that psychopath out there.
Benji: Well, if
you want to think pessimistically.
James: I enjoy
thinking pessimistically.
Joe: I haven’t
said anything in a long time. I like
food!
John: Shut up
Joe.
Joe: Will do!
Katie: Well,
he’s in Lefty’s and thought I said second floor. [the bell rings] There he is
now! [she opens the door] Father!
Mr. Stalin:
Hello Katie, how are…[gasps] What is he doing here [referring to Uhdulph]?
Uhdulph: Hello
Joseph.
Joseph: Hello
Adolf.
Uhdulph: NO NO
NO, it’s Uhdulph, Uhdulph Heetlar.
Joseph: Oh, my
apologies, but even still, this is going to be awkward.
John: Yet ever
so fun! I’ll get the pizzas!
[he goes to the
table to get the pizzas]
Katie: So, how
are things in East Dayboqrx Dad?
Joseph: Things
are going well. Business has really
slowed up though.
Benji: Uhdulph
tells me you broke some kind of treaty back in the day.
Joseph: THAT WAS
YOU!!! You broke the treaty!
Katie: Calm down
Dad, neither of you were alive back then.
Joseph: Even
still, I never back out of an agreement.
You’re a coward Uhdulph, a COWARD!
John: Hope
everyone likes pizza flavored candy!
Benji: Ew, don’t
you have any meow-meows.
John: I was just
kidding, it’s regular pizza.
Benji: Ew.
Scene Nine:
“Meet the Parents”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s class
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, the class, and their
parents
[Dr. Johnson is dressed
in a Dayboqrx U. teal and tan football uniform in the front of the class]
Dr. Johnson: I
see a lot of parents have made it here tonight. Wait a minute, what’s Benji doing here?
Benji: I’m here
playing the role of parents for John, James, and Joe.
Dr. Johnson:
What, they’re parents were too busy to show up?
James: No, they’re just too not living in Dayboqrx to show up.
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
well that makes sense. Sorta.
John: Why is he
in his football uniform?
Benji: Stop
talking children.
James: You’re
not our real father.
Benji: Shhhh, I
can pretend, can’t I?
Joe: That’s just
creepy.
James: Stop
pretending you are our parents, and never do so again.
Benji: Done and
done. [he sits staring off into space thinking]
John: You’re
doing it again, aren’t you?
Benji [guilty as
charged]: No.
Dr. Johnson:
Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, unlike Mr. Stiler, I am [he scrawls
his name on the board] Sir Bill Johnson, but you can just call me Ultra God.
[everybody
laughs]
Dr. Johnson: I
was serious. Anyway, I teach Advanced
Cosmology in this here university.
Now, you may be asking, “What is
cosmology?” My answer would be, [he
opens the dictionary again], “the study or art of
cosmetics, makeup, and other salon materials.”
Oops, I did that again. Anyway,
why don’t we ask Ms. Kim what cosmology is.
Andrea:
SHUT UP, I hate you!
Dr.
Johnson: Anyway, over the next [he spots Joseph Stalin] Hello Joseph, I was
expecting to see you here.
Joseph:
Expecting me, what are you talking about?
Dr.
Johnson: Shut up, Joseph, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I say to you I demand that you tear down
that wall in Berlin.
Joseph:
Listen, I’m not related at all to the other Joseph Stalin, but I know for a
fact that Stalin was dead when the Berlin Wall was built…
Dr.
Johnson: Don’t play dumb with me. Now
you pay!
[Dr.
Johnson runs at Joseph Stalin and tackles him and the two fall down the stairs
of the class]
John:
Another proud day in the Stalin and Johnson family history.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Ten:
”He Played Linebacker”
Location: Just outside Lefty’s Bar
Characters:
John, James, Joe, Katie, Mr. Stalin, Uhdulph, Benji, and Dr. Johnson
Joseph Stalin:
Let me just say, that for the record, I don’t enjoy being tackled like that.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, I had a bad experience with Joseph Stalin once.
Katie: Really,
explain.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, the year was 1929, and this is shortly after me and Hubble got off the
telephone talking about his constant thing…
John: Shut up,
we know you’re lying.
James: Yeah,
give it up, you’re how old?
Dr. Johnson: 107
and still going strong.
Joe: Another
lie?
Dr. Johnson:
Fine, I’m like 35.
Katie: That’s
what I thought.
Benji: Hey, look
across the street, there’s Uhdulph.
Dr. Johnson:
I’ll be right back.
[Dr. Johnson
runs across the street stopping traffic and tackles Uhdulph]
Uhdulph: Ah, my
back!
Dr. Johnson: I
told you not to invade Poland! Now you
pay!
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