Episode Two (#1P02)
The Gang Becomes Musicians
Main
Characters (ordered by age):
John
Painting, 16
Joe
Termine, 17
James
Achaia, 17
Katie,
17
Left
Eye Davidson, 27
Scene One:
“An Rude Wake-up Call”
Location:
The Penthouse
Characters:
John
[
John is seen sleeping in his room with a beautiful view of the city out the
window. A truck is seen approaching in
the distance. Just then, the radio
turns on.]
Radio
Voice: Good morning Dayboqrx, Brad Davenport with you on a beautiful
Wednesday morning in August, it’s cold and rainy, but what else is new,
huh. It’s 67 degrees here in American
Point at your home for today’s hit music, 101.9 WDBX. The time is now 8 AM.
We’ll be right back with the weather and the news, plus a look at
sports, right after this.
[ John sleeps right through the radio. At that moment, the truck that had been approaching crashes into the building.]
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Lefty’s Idea”
Characters:
John, James, Joe, and Katie
[The four are
watching “Good Morning Dayboqrx” on television]
Katie: So, you
mean to tell me you saw it snowing last night?
James: I’m
telling you, I looked out the window and saw snow.
Katie: It’s
August!
James: Listen, I
know it sounds strange, but weirder things have happened.
John: I’ve heard
some weird stories about the weather in Dayboqrx.
James: You see.
Joe: Who’d you
hear these stories from?
John [pauses,
then speaks timidly]: Benji.
Katie: You’re
trusting Benji!
John: He’s lived
here for like thirty years, I’m sure he’d tell me the truth about Dayboqrx
weather.
[there is a
knock at the door]
James: I’ll get
it. [he gets up] Who is it?
Lefty [from
outside the door]: It’s Lefty.
[ James unlocks
the door and lets Lefty in]
Joe: Hey Lefty,
what’s up?
Lefty: Not much
guys. Last night I was thinking about how
you could repay me.
Joe: Repay you
for what?
Lefty: For
psychological damages.
James: What the
hell are you talking about, psychological damages?
Lefty: From
having all that stuff stolen from my bar a few weeks ago, I’ve been having
nightmares forever now.
Katie: But why
do we have to repay you?
Lefty: Because
the people who stole the stuff must have lived in this penthouse, and now you
live in the penthouse, so I put 3 and 2 together, and BAM! 4.
John: How are we
at fault for the items that we’re stolen by different people weeks ago?
Lefty: Did you
not here the math thing before, 3 and 2 make 4.
James: Sometimes
you should just stop talking Lefty.
Lefty: What, you
don’t like my math skills?
Katie: So, how
were you thinking we [air quotes] “repay” you?
Lefty: Well, you
kids like music?
John: I don’t
like where this is going.
Joe: Of course
we like music, we’re teenagers, what kind of a question is that?
Lefty: Well, I
was gonna say, the last band I had play music in the bar left without a trace.
John: I still
don’t like where this is going, and it’s getting much worse fast.
Lefty: Anyway, I
need two of you to play in my bar and make me some money.
James: Why do
you even need money, I thought the bar was making a ton of money.
Lefty: It is,
but we can stand to make more. Listen,
if you agree, you stand to make, twenty-…no, fift-…no, ten percent of the
profit. C’mon, it’s a fair deal.
John: How is
that fair, we do all the work and you make ninety percent. No, it’s gotta be fifty-fifty or we don’t do
it.
Lefty: Or, I
could just evict you.
James: So, now
you’re going to blackmail us to get us to do it.
Lefty: Two of
you will have to do it.
Katie: I call
not it.
Joe: Not it.
James: I don’t
know John, maybe it’ll be fun, I say we do it.
John: Well, we
have to now, they called “not it.” And
we all know that “not it” stands up in court.
Lefty: Great, so
tomorrow night at 9 shall be your first show, I look forward to it.
James: Okay,
we’re looking forward to it too.
John: Get the
hell out Lefty.
[Lefty leaves
and James closes the door behind him]
James [to John]:
You’re gonna say things now, right?
[ John nods]
Scene Three:
“The Plot and the Break-In”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John, James, Katie, Joe and Benji
[ James and John
are both standing in front of the couch that Katie and Joe are sitting on]
James: So, since
the two of us will be playing the music, we would appreciate it if the two of
you thought of a way to help us gather money to pay off Lefty.
Joe: I can’t see
why we have to, we called “not it.”
John: Listen
Joe, if you use the words “not it” again to avoid doing work, I’m gonna have to
call the “Not It Police” and tell them you’ve overused your ability to use the
phrase for this month.
Joe [suddenly
afraid]: Listen, I know I may have said “not it” a lot this month, but if you
call the “Not It Police” you don’t know what they are capable of. They’re gonna take my thumbs!
Katie: Joe, calm
down, there is no such thing.
Joe: Right…no
such thing. Keep telling yourself
that. But then a day will come when
you’ve used the “not it” excuse one too many times, and then you get a knock on
the door and you answer it and there are three men dressed in…
John: Joe, stop
talking.
Joe: Okay.
James: Are you
two gonna help us or what?
Katie: Yeah,
maybe we can go to the mall and try to collect money.
John: Or you can
just steal.
Katie: That’s a
great idea!
John: I was just
kidding.
Katie: And so
was I…
John: Anyway, me
and James have to go buy instruments and then learn them and write music, the
least you can do is try to help us out.
James: We’ll be
back in a little while.
[ James and John
leave]
Katie: So, we’re
gonna go to the mall today, and collect some money.
Joe: You can,
I’m just gonna watch some good ol’ television.
Katie: Let’s go.
Joe [easily
convinced]: Okay.
[As Katie and
Joe lock the door and leave, Benji walks to the door, and unlocks it with his
own key]
Benji: Okay,
babies, let’s go look for some change.
[The cats follow
Benji into the gang’s penthouse]
[For about 20
seconds, Benji is heard rummaging through the belonging’s of the gang, whilst
the cats continue to pour into the penthouse]
Benji: Okay,
time to make a phone call.
[Benji leaves
the cats in the penthouse and proceeds to shut the door and walk away].
Scene Four:
“Instrument Shopping”
Location: Pushor
Avenue between 81st and 82nd, then 81st St, between
Pushor and Fourth Av, and then Cletus’ House of Musik.
Characters:
John, James, and Cletus.
John: Okay, it’s
9 in the morning, and we have 36 hours to get instruments and write enough songs
to last for a two hour show.
James: So you’re
basically saying we don’t have a chance to get this done and I’ve made a
terrible decision.
John: Exactly.
James: Well,
don’t you worry, I’ll write the music and you just worry about learning your
instrument.
John: How much
money do we have?
James: Fifteen
dollars.
John: Oh great,
fifteen dollars ought to buy us two quality instruments.
James: Well,
we’re going to have to buy something with them.
John: I don’t
even know where there is an instrument store around this part of the city.
[The two turn
around the corner onto 81st St to see a row of several instrument
stores down the entire block]
James: You were
saying…
John: Shut up,
we need to find the store with the cheapest instruments.
James: I bet
that store has cheap instruments.
John: James, you
are pointing to a McDonald’s.
James: I still
bet they have cheap instruments.
John: Well, if a
Big Mac can be considered an instrument.
[ James ponders
as if he is considering it]
John: Please
don’t tell me you are actually considering using a Big Mac as our instrument.
James: I’m
not. How much are the Big n’ Tastys?
John: We need to
buy actual instruments. Let’s go into
that store and see what we can get for fifteen dollars.
[The two walk into
a store named “Cletus’ House of Musik”]
James: Well, are we really going to buy our instruments from this store?
John: Can’t you tell that the prices here are probably going to be cheaper than
anywhere else.
Cletus: You want instruments, or what?
James: What can we buy for fifteen dollars?
Cletus: Well, the least expensive instruments we sell here are ukuleles and
accordions, and those are six bucks each, so with tax, you can buy two of each,
or mix and match them.
John: Can you picture us in front of a crowd in a bar playing strange songs and
playing ukuleles?
James: We’ll take one of each.
John: I was being cynical, we’re not buying those.
Cletus: Sold, thank you very much for shopping.
James: Alright, let’s go write some songs.
John: From now on, you’re not allowed to make decisions.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“The Cats are Everywhere”
Location: The
Penthouse
Characters:
Benji and about four million cats
[Benji is sitting
on the gang’s couch, surrounded by his cats. The phone rings]
Benji: Hello?
Voice: Hello, is this Benji?
Benji: Yes, who is this?
Voice: Benji, it’s Lefty.
Benji: Oh, hey Lefty, how’s the bar doing?
Lefty: Pretty good. How’s the cats?
Benji: They’re really good. Angie number seventeen-thousand eight hundred fifty
six has a cold, though.
Lefty: Wow, that isn’t good. What are you going to do about it?
Benji: Well, I
just called the vet to set up an appointment, and they were closed this week.
Lefty:
Closed. Why?
Benji: Well Dr.
Phlenanen is on vacation, so they’re offices are closed for the week.
Lefty: Well, will
the cat be alright, or will you have to see another vet.
Benji: Listen
Lefty, it’s not just a cat, it’s Angie number seventeen-thousand eight hundred
fifty six. She’s like my favorite of
the even numbered cats between seventeen and eighteen thousand.
Lefty: Alright,
calm down Benji.
Benji: Sorry, I
just get worked up over the cats.
Lefty: Wait a
minute.
Benji: What?
Lefty: I was
trying to call James and John, what are you doing in their place?
Benji: This is
my place, can’t you hear the cats in the background?
Lefty: Yeah,
that’s what confused me, I heard the cats, but I know I called the guys’ place.
Benji: Well, you
must be mistaken.
Lefty: No, I
don’t think I am. Do you know where
they are?
Benji: [angry]
How the hell should I know, I’m not in their penthouse!
Lefty: Calm
down, it was a simple question.
Benji: [angry]
Well, sorry, but I’m just pissed off right now.
[another phone
is now ringing]
Lefty: Calm
down.
Benji: SHUT
UP!!!
Lefty: NO, you
shut up.
Benji: No you.
Lefty: Where are
James and John, Benji?!?!?
Benji: How the
hell should I know, I’m not in their penthouse.
[The answer
machine picks up and a message is distinctly heard in the background (James’
voice): Hello, you’ve reached James, John, Joe, and Katie, and none of us are
home right now. Leave a message,
thanks]
Lefty: What was
that that I just heard in the background?
Benji: You heard
my other answering machine for the other phone line.
Lefty: Only they
have two phone lines, you have one.
Benji: My cats
have a phone.
Lefty: Your cats
can’t talk.
Benji: Are you
underestimating the abilities of my cats?
Lefty: Get out
of their penthouse!
Benji: Alright,
I’m leaving.
[Benji hangs up
the phone and leaves the penthouse, leaving the cats inside]
Scene Six:
“Such Generosity in Dayboqrx”
Characters: Joe and Katie
Katie: So, how
much money do you think we’ll need to collect in order to avoid getting yelled
at by the guys?
Joe: Ten
dollars.
Katie: Seriously
now?
Joe: Ten
dollars.
Katie: No, but
really?
Joe: Ten
dollars.
Katie: Stop
saying that.
Joe: Ten
dollars.
[ Katie walks
away to the other end of the mall]
Joe: Ten
dollars. TEN DOLLARS!!!
[ Joe follows
her a few steps behind]
Joe: Fifteen
dollars.
Katie: You’re
not helping.
Joe: Twenty?
Katie: Will you
stop it.
Joe: Thirty is
my final offer.
Katie: Lefty
told us that the four of us needed to raise about a thousand dollars.
Joe: When did he
say that?
Katie: Fine, I
was just making that up.
Joe: I thought
so.
Katie: Although,
it seems like he wants a lot of money.
Joe: I think
he’s just greedy.
Katie: I was
thinking that too, but I don’t want to get evicted, because then we have to
stay on campus.
Joe: Right.
Katie: So, how
do you suppose we do this?
Joe: Well, I was
thinking that we just beg people for money.
Katie: See,
that’s how we could get arrested.
Joe: Well, I
want to get arrested.
Katie: Joe, for
that remark, you must stand in the corner for half an hour when we get home.
Joe: You’re not
serious?
Katie: Listen,
if you keep talking, I’m going to make you stand in the corner now, right here
in the mall.
Joe: Well, we
could try to set up some sort of way to get money?
Katie: What a
great idea Joe, I didn’t know that, way to state the obvious.
Joe: Thank you.
Katie: Don’t pat
yourself on the back too hard, Joe.
Joe: Remember
the time I pat myself on the back too hard?
Katie: No.
Joe: Good, let’s
keep it that way.
Katie: So, you
got an idea or what?
Joe: I say we
just set up some kind of charity case.
[Flash forward
to a few minutes later]
Katie [announcing]:
See the amazing idiot…unable to comprehend simple sentences…dances about as if
oblivious to the people around him.
Joe: This is the
stupidest idea you’ve had yet.
Katie: You didn’t come up with anything better, now DANCE monkey boy!
Joe: What did I
do that made me deserve this kind of treatment?
Katie: You
didn’t come up with a better idea, and you we’re acting weird before.
Joe: Point
taken.
Scene Seven:
“First Show”
Location: Lefty’s Bar
Characters:
James, John, and Lefty
[ James and John
are on stage in Lefty’s bar…John has a ukulele, James has an accordion]
Lefty: Alright
everybody, put your hands together for…Wham II? Oh my God, I’ve made a big mistake.
[nobody claps]
John: Thanks for
the warm welcome.
James: Here’s is
our first song, it’s called “Sleeping in My Mailbox.”
[SONG (James and
John are singing):
One day, I was
sleeping in my mailbox,
When the mailman
came, and shoved in a box.
I tried, to get
out of the way,
But then the
mailman, shot me.]
[no reaction
from the audience, a man coughs]
John: Okay, our
second song is called “Battery Operated Doorbell.”
[SONG (James is
singing):
My air
conditioner doesn’t work
And my beautiful
car is broken.
So I have to use
the subway,
That doesn’t
accept tokens.
METROCARD,
swipe, swipe. METROCARD, swipe, swipe.]
[again, no
reaction]
James: Our third
song is called “Song Lyric”
[SONG (John is
singing):
Song lyric, song
lyric,
If you can’t
tell this is satiric.
Song lyric, song
lyric,
Something,
something, stratospheric.
Song lyric, song
lyric,
Dracula is
vampiric.
Song lyric, song
lyric,
Another word
that ends in –iric.]
[yet more
silence]
James: Lefty,
how much longer?
Lefty: An hour
and fifty-four minutes.
John: Okay, this
fourth song is called “Repair Man.”
[SONG: (James
and John are singing):
I was sitting on
my couch (I was sitting on my couch),
When this guy
came in my house (When this guy came in my house),
How are you?
(How are you?),
I’m fine (I’m
fine),
I’m gonna kill
you.
BANG!]
Man: That was
the worst song ever!
John: Thank you,
please hold your comments until the end.
[Time passes]
[ John is
singing]
John: Nick,
Nick, bo-Bick, banana fanna fo-Fick, fe fi mo-Mick. Nick.
Man (apparently
Nick): Shut the hell up, you pansy!
Lefty [to
himself]: I think I have made a terrible mistake.
James: Alright,
someone else…
Man #2: My
name’s Tuck!
John: Okay,
Tuck, Tuck, bo-Buck, banana fanna fo F OH MY GOD, I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE,
AND I DON’T LIKE IT!!! SECURITY!!!
Security Guard:
We’re taking you away, crazy boy.
Tuck [being
dragged away]: What?? My name is
Tuck…why don’t you believe me…I’ll get you all for this…when you least expect
it…in your dreams, or some other empty threat like that…[he shakes his fist]
EMPTY THREAT!!!
James: Yeah,
whatever.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“Last Show”
Characters: James, John, and Lefty
Lefty: Let’s hope that today’s show is much better than yesterdays, guys.
James: Don’t
worry, you can count on us.
John: Yeah, we
have retooled.
Lefty: I hope
you have, I sold only five tickets for this show. And only three have shown up.
James: Well,
don’t worry, we’re gonna knock ‘em dead tonight.
Lefty [to the
audience]: Okay guys, put your hands together for…these guys!
John:
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
James: It’s time
to get musical!
[the crowd is
totally silent]
John: This is a
little jingle we like to call “Por que.”
[SONG (James is
singing the words “Por que” over and over as John screams continually]
[ the song goes
on for about a minute and a half as slowly, all three customers leave]
Lefty: That’s it
guys, get out of here, your careers are over.
James: Damn it.
John: Thank you
God.
Lefty: I’ll have
to think of another way for you to repay me.
John: Oh no,
we’re totally done. We didn’t really
owe you in the first place.
[ John leaves ]
James: We’ll
think of something.
Scene Nine:
“Subduing the Cats”
Characters: Joe and Katie, then James and John
Katie: What the hell is going on here?
Joe: This must
be the work of just one man.
Katie: And it
isn’t Batman.
Joe: [shocked]
Then who could it be? Are you sure,
it’s not Batman?
Katie: Well,
it’s obviously the work of Benji.
Joe: Who the
hell is Benji?
Katie: I know
you’re not that stupid, why are you playing dumb today?
Joe: I don’t
know…I just feel kinda lazy today.
Katie: Well
you’d better be more active tomorrow if we want to make more than the dollar we
made today.
Joe: I call “not
it.”
Katie [points to
the corner]: You have a date with the corner.
Joe: Hey baby,
haven’t seen you around here lately. I’m a Taurus, what’s your sign. Apparently it’s Aquarius.
Katie: That says
aquarium.
Joe: Shut up,
you’re ruining the moment. I see one of your nails is sticking out. Mind if I
be so bold to put it back in? Oh, you’re saucy.
Katie: Um,
Joe. Wasn’t that wall blue before?
Joe: Shut up, we
got caught in the moment!
Katie: We?
Joe: Alright,
me. Oh, I see you brought three of your friends. Don’t worry, baby you’re the
only one for me. But, could you maybe introduce me to your friend over by the
computer over there? OW!
[there is a
knock at the door]
Katie: I guess
I’ll get it since Joe is a little busy over there.
Joe: Busy
indeed!
[Katie moves
through the cats and opens the door, it’s James and John]
John: Hey, hey,
holy crap, what happened in here!
Katie: Take a
wild guess.
James: Benji.
Joe: Who the
hell is Benji!
James: You know,
our neighbor Benji.
Joe: Oh right.
Katie: You keep
lovin’ that wall Joe.
Joe: Will do!
John: What the
hell?
Katie: Never you
mind John, it’s too long of a story.
John:
Considering as it must have happened some time today, I can’t see it being that
long of a story.
Katie: Well, it
is.
James: Well,
anyway, back on subject, why are all of Benji’s cats in our penthouse?
Katie: I was
just on my way to Benji’s place to find out.
John: Well,
let’s call him on over here.
James: Good
idea.
[Katie begins to
walk to the door, shuffling her way between the cats, and just as she is about
to open the door, Benji busts in]
Benji: Hey guys,
can I talk to you for a minute?
John [pretending
as if he doesn’t notice the cats]: Sure Benji, what about?
Benji: It’s about my cats.
James: What
about them?
Benji: Well, I
was over here earlier in the day, and I accidentally managed to get every
single one of my cats into your penthouse.
Katie: Oh
really, we didn’t even notice.
Benji:
Really? Not a single one?
Joe: YOU GUYS
ARE RUINING THE MOOD!!!
John: I really
wish I knew what he was talking about.
Benji: Well,
don’t you see all the cats now that I mention it?
John: I was talking about what Joe said.
Benji: Which one
of you is Joe?
Katie: The one making
love to the wall.
Joe: AND HOW!
Katie: Not
another word out of you for the rest of the day.
James: Listen,
Benji, get your cats out of our penthouse.
Benji: It’s
gonna be tough to lure all of the cats to one place at once.
John: Then how
did you get all of the cats here in the first place?
Benji: Well, my
babies follow me wherever I go.
James: Then how
would it be difficult do get the cats to one place at once, just have them
follow you!
Benji: Trust me,
it’s not that easy.
Katie: You just
made it sound as if it was that easy.
Benji: I don’t
know what you are talking about.
Katie: You just
said, “my babies follow me wherever I go.”
Benji: My cats
aren’t my babies.
John: Well you
sure as hell don’t have any actual babies.
Benji: How do
you know?
John: Just get
the cats out of this place, or we will call Lefty and have him remove them for
us.
Benji: Alright,
you win, I’ll get them out.
Scene Ten:
“Damage Report”
Location: The Bar
Characters:
Lefty, James, and John
Lefty: Well,
calculating all of the damages, you owe me from lost business [he pauses for
about ten seconds].
John: And?
Lefty: What?
James: You just
sorta stopped in mid-sentence.
Lefty: Oh, I was
done.
John: Well, what
do we owe you from lost business?
Lefty: How the
hell should I know?
James: You just
said you were calculating the damages!
Lefty: I did
not!
John: Then
calculate them now.
Lefty: You owe
me $2300.
James: Sounds
like you already did the calculations beforehand!
Lefty: Nope,
just did them in my head.
John: In seconds
flat?
Lefty: Yes, is
that so hard to believe?
James: In a
word, yes, yes it is.
Lefty: So, we
need to think of how you’re going to repay me the $4000 you owe me.
John: You just
said $2300!
Lefty: Yeah,
that’s just from the failed musicians business, I’m talking total.
James: We never
really owed you anything from the start.
Lefty: You said
you’d think of something.
James: When?
Lefty: After I
told you guys that your career was over.
John: Listen, I
don’t know what you want from us, I don’t think we ever owed you money, I don’t
think anybody ever owed you money, and I just think you wanted to get rich
quick.
Lefty: Well, you
owe me money!
James: Will you
stop saying that, we do not.
Lefty: Well
then, when I come up with an idea as to how you guys can repay me, I’ll just
have to ring your doorbell.
John: And I’m
just gonna have to say no to that idea.
Lefty: You can’t
stop me from ringing your doorbell.
James: Just as
long as you don’t ring it after midnight.
John: Or at all!
Lefty: What time
is it now?
John: 7:30.
Lefty: How long
until midnight?
James: Four and
a half hours.
Lefty: I’ll ring
your bell in five hours with a new idea.
John: Um, tell
me you are joking?
Lefty: Talk to
you then guys.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”Another Brilliant Idea”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: Joe,
John, James, and Katie
During the
closing credits
[Katie, Joe,
John, and James are sitting on the couch watching television, and there is a
knock at the door]
Katie: Who could
that be?
Lefty [from
outside the door]: It’s Lefty.
John: What do
you want?
Lefty: I’ve got
a new idea on how we can make money.
[the gang begins
to panic and starts turning the lights off and barricading the door]
Lefty:
Hello??? C’mon, this idea is better
than the first one!
Joe: No hablo
ingles.
Lefty: I heard that, I know you’re in there!
James: Good job
Joe!
Lefty: Anyway,
you guys are funny, right? [no
answer] Well, I got this idea for a
comedy club. Guys? [the gang has headed off to sleep] GUYS???