“On Our Own”

Episode One (#1P01)

The Gang Gets a Penthouse

 

Written by John Painting

 

Characters appearing in this episode (age order):

Non-bold denotes non-major character

John Painting, 16

James Achaia, 17

Joe Termine, 17

Katie, 17

Hillary White, 22, Realtor

Left Eye Davidson, 27, Bartender

Benji, 30, Neighbor

Amanda, 30-ish

Uhdulph Heetlar, 34, Benji’s Friend

Phil, 40-ish

Dr. Stephen Howard, 53, Dean of Dayboqrx University

 

Scene One:

“An Avenue Named Tragedy”

Location: Corner of Tragedy Avenue and 213th St in Dayboqrx’s Connection district

Characters: The Gang

 

James Achaia: Do you find it the least bit disturbing that the college that we’re gonna go to is on an avenue named TRAGEDY?

John Painting: That’s not nearly as disturbing as the fact that this city has an avenue named Tragedy.

Katie: It’s like they’re asking for  something bad to happen here.

John: Hey, I forgot my watch, our appointment is at 11:00; does anyone know what time it is?

Joe Termine: Uh…no, mine stopped last week.  Just ask somebody.

John: Okay [he goes up to a man walking down Tragedy Av]. Um, sir, do you have the time?

Man: Time…what’s that?
John: What do you mean, don’t you have a watch or something?

Man [nervous]: Listen man, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

John: What, do you not keep time in this city?

Man [nervous]: Listen, get away from me, you creep. [he runs away]

James: What time is it?

John [lying]: Ummm, 10:45.

 

OPENING CREDITS:

 

Song: (to the same theme music as Cheers)

1. Musical Beginning

2. Sometimes you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,

3. And you'll always be in pain.

4. You wanna be where you can see, the people are all insane,

5. You wanna go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.

6. Musical Ending

 

Sequence: (corresponding line by line from the song above)

1. A view of downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the screen.

2. John is seen, startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.

3. James is seen in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.

4. Joe is seen in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.

5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.

6. John comes running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your life."  The Gang runs as the store collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes.  On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting and James Achaia."

 

Scene Two:

“Who Needs a Dorm?”

Location: An office inside Dayboqrx University

Characters: John, James, and Dr. Howard; Joe and Katie are waiting outside

 

Dr. Howard: It’s so great to see you have finally made it.

John: I know, when we overslept this morning I thought we would never get here.

Dr. Howard: Um, I just meant it’s good to see you.  I didn’t mean anything about you being late, you’re right on time.

John: Well in that case, I’ve never overslept in my life.

Dr. Howard: I don’t know exactly what you are trying to say.  Are you trying to astound me by saying you’ve never overslept?

James: Listen, I don’t want this to turn into some kind of stupid thing that costs us a free education here.

John: Well maybe I’m just trying to prove that I won’t be late for any classes!

Dr. Howard: What does that have to do with anything!

John: It has EVERYTHING to do with ANYTHING!!!

James: Shut up John, you could be costing us everything.

[long pause]

John [slightly embarrassed]: Which way is the restroom?

Dr. Howard: Take a left, third door on the right.

John: Uh,…thanks.

[ John leaves the room]

Dr. Howard: Wait, where are the other two?

James: Your secretary told us that only two could go in.

Dr. Howard: Okay, well we would like to confer with you, as you look like the sane one for the time being about housing.

James: Right, the sane one……go ahead.

Dr. Howard: Well, would you be interested in a dorm room or will you be staying off-campus?

James: I’m gonna go with off campus.

Dr. Howard: We were expecting you would say that. Into the electro-chamber you go.

James: What???

Dr. Howard: I’m just kidding, you see, I used to be a comedian.

James: Real funny.

Dr. Howard: Isn’t it though?  Anyway, seriously now, we want to be able to keep such high caliber students as you four.  We expect you four be the highest achieving students in our history.  With that said, the university will pay for one-third of the cost to rent within the city.  However, you must be on Dayboqrx Island, you must find a place in this borough or else we will not pay.

James: First off, are you sure you’re talking about us, that’s a lot of pressure.  And one-third, okay, sounds great, but that means we need either roommates or jobs.

Dr. Howard: Yes, that is another stipulation.

[ John returns]

John: [jokingly] Did ya miss me?

James: No, but listen, they’re gonna let us stay off-campus and pay one-third the rent!

John: One-third.  That’s like one out of three parts!

Dr. Howard [sarcastic]: And we’re offering you a full scholarship.

John: Sorry about that, I was just excited.

Dr. Howard: There is yet another stipulation though.  YOU MUST SPEND ONE NIGHT IN A HAUNTED HOUSE.  Nah, I’m just kidding about that too.  The stipulation is you must find an apartment within the next 36 hours or else you must stay on-campus for the first year.

James: Then we’d better get going.  Thanks again.

Dr. Howard: No problem.  As soon as you find a place, check back in here.  I’ll be waiting.

John: Thank you.

[they leave the office]

James: John, what the hell happened in there?

Joe: What did he do?

John: Did I actually say “one-third; that’s like one out of three parts”?

James: Yes, you almost blew the whole thing!

John: I’m just nervous, I guess.

James: Well we have to find an apartment and fast.

Katie: They’re gonna let us stay off campus?

James: Yes, and pay one-third of the rent for us.

John: I think I saw a real estate agency on 232nd St.

James: That’s like 20 blocks away.  And we were never down there.

John: Yeah, but I heard there was a real estate agency there.

James: From who?

John: Listen, I made it up, don’t kill me.

[Katie has a knife in her hand]

Katie: Oh, sorry.

James: Anyway, how are we gonna get there?

John: We’d better take a bus or something.

Katie: Do you know the Dayboqrx bus lines?

John: Not well.

James: Then we’d better hurry up and get going.

 

Scene Three:

“We’re 23”

Location: “Buy Now Real Estate” on 234th and Dayboqrx Avenue and a park bench across the street.

Characters” The Gang and Hillary White

 

James: This is on 234th Street, not 232nd Street, God John, how incompetent can you be?

John: Excuse me, I was closer than you’re guess of “there are no real estate agencies in Dayboqrx.”

James: I could’ve been right.

Hillary White [perky]: Hi, how are you?

John [startled by her perkiness]: Oh, uh…hi.  I’m John, this is James, that’s Joe and that’s Katie.

Hillary: Okay, and what can I do for you?

Joe: Oh, we need to find an apartment.

Hillary: Okay, and how old are you?

John: Well, we’re 23.

Hillary [half laughing]: I don’t believe that for a second.  According to Dayboqrx City laws, you must live with someone over the age of 18.  Where are you parents?

[Katie says something inaudible to Joe]

Joe: Katie, you’re not making any sense.

James: We’re actually getting early admission to college and our parents are not in town.

Hillary: Then why aren’t you staying on campus?

Katie: Because we had the option to not, and we’d much rather stay off campus.

Hillary: Then what I would suggest is buying today’s issue of the Dayboqrx Times and looking through the Classifieds to find a place where you will have a roommate over the age of 18.  Here’s $3.25 to buy a copy.

John: Three dollars!! That’s insane…oh, three dollars and 25 cents.

Hillary: It’s a big paper.  There’s a newsstand on the corner here.

Joe: Alright, let’s go.

John: Thank you.

[they approach the newsstand]

[ John exchanges money with the man behind the newsstand counter]

John: Here’s the paper.

James: Remember, we need to find a place on Dayboqrx Island.

John: When was that said?

Katie: Yeah, I didn’t hear that either.

James: It was when you got embarrassed and went to the bathroom.

John: Oh.  Let’s sit on that bench over there.

[they walk across the street]

James: This city seems so big, I doubt that there will be no places available.

John: But we need an older roommate.

Katie: Why, I’m 18.

Joe: Katie, you said that before, and you’re 17!

Katie: Fine, believe what you want, my birthday is soon.

James: An older roommate wouldn’t be that bad.

[they sit down]

John: Let’s see, we’re looking for places looking for roommates.  I’m just gonna highlight the roommate searches.

[he spends about 20 seconds, with James looking on for places to highlight, without highlighting a single one]

Joe: You mean there’s nothing?

John: None that I can find on the island.  A lot are in East Dayboqrx.

James: Wait, there’s one.

John: There’s another one.

James: Um, John.  That’s the same one.

John: I know, I was, uh,…just testing you.

James: Right.

[Fade to a scene three minutes later.  A creepy deep voiced man says, “THREE MINUTES LATER!!”]

Katie: That looks like it.  Hmmm, five places.  Let’s get started.

 

Scene Four:

“Thanks, but No Thanks”

Location: Three different apartments

Characters: John, James, and Phil; Katie, Joe, and Andy; John, James, Amanda, and a cop.

 

[First Apartment is a small run-down apartment in Parque Circle]

[They are there with the apartment’s owner, Phil]

 

John: So, you said you just got back to the city.  Where did you go?

Phil: Jail.

James [a bit disturbed]: For what?

Phil: Murder.

John: Okay, I think we’ve seen enough here.

Phil: But I didn’t get to show you around.

John: That’s okay, we really should be going.

Phil: This is about the murder isn’t it!

James: No really, we have an appointment to look at another apartment.

Phil: Listen, it was just an accident.  The guy just fell on my knife.

John: Okay, we’re leaving now.

[in the hallway]

James: Okay, that was a bit disturbing.

Phil: I heard that!

John: What’s next?

James: A place uptown.

 

[Second Apartment is not really an apartment at all]

[Katie and Joe on are 13th St in Uptown Dayboqrx, the American Point district]

 

Katie: The newspaper says 133-B 13th St., but it goes from 133 to 135.

Voice [as if from nowhere]: Are you asking about the apartment?

James: Who said that?

Voice: It’s me, the loveable Andy!

Katie: The loveable Andy.  What is that supposed to mean?

Andy: What, you don’t think I’m loveable?

Joe: Where the hell are you?

Andy: In the apartment that’s for rent.

Katie: Which is where?

Andy: Look in the alley.

Katie: The alley!?!

Andy: I live in the box and I have some spare room that I’m looking to rent out.

Joe: I think we have to go.

[the two leave]

Andy: Wait, come back.  COME BACK!!!

 

[Third Apartment is a large apartment in Dayboqrx Heights]

[They are there with the apartment’s owner Amanda]

 

John: This place is beautiful, but it must be expensive.

Amanda: Yeah, I can barely afford the place, that’s why I need roommates.

James: Okay, as long as you can pay two-thirds of the rent, we’re in.

Amanda: That’s great.  There is one thing I need to tell you though.

John: And that is…

Amanda: It’s the one thing that has kept me from getting a roommate.

James: I’m sure it can’t be that bad.

Amanda: I scream very very loudly in my sleep.

John: It can’t possibly be that bad.  I’ll tell you what.  We’ll come over here tonight, you’ll go to sleep and we’ll wait around until we hear you screaming and see if it’s that bad.

James [whispering]: Smooth John.

Amanda: I guess that could work.

[that night]

[ James and John are watching TV on Amanda’s couch, irked as Amanda is heard screaming in the background.]

James: Well, I didn’t think it could be this bad.

John: Well it is.

James: We gotta get outta here.

John: We don’t have the keys to lock up.

James: Oh, what a brilliant idea John, we’ll come over and we’ll wait until we hear you and see if it’s that bad.

John: You didn’t disagree.

James: We have 24 hours to go.  We need a place by midnight tomorrow.

John: I wonder how Katie and Joe are doing?

[quick scene of Katie and Joe at a crowded party having a great time]

John: Ah, probably no better than we are.

James: Listen, we’ve run into some people who could classify as insane today.

John: Well, maybe tomorrow will be better.

[there is a knock at the door]

John: I’ll get it.

[he opens the door, a police officer is there]

Policeman: Is everything alright here.

John: Yeah, everything is fine.

Policeman: But we’ve received word of a woman screaming in here.

John: Right, the woman, um, Amanda, screams in her sleep,…[to James] I really hope tomorrow will be better!

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Scene Five:

“Old Lefty”

Location: Lefty’s Bar, in the Red Light District between 75th and 78th Streets along Pushor Avenue

Characters: John, James, and Lefty Davidson

 

[ John and James are outside the bar]

James: We’ve been searching for hours upon hours, we’re never gonna find a place.  We may as well just give up.

John: Hey, wait a minute, look.  Lefty’s Bar.  You don’t think it could be Lefty from…

James: From outside high school.  Could be.  Let’s go in.

[the two walk into a small room with an elevator in front and a small sign to the right, blank wall on the left]

John [reading the sign]: First Floor…Gentleman’s Club.  Second Floor…Lefty’s Bar.  Third Floor…Penthouses.

John and James [almost simultaneously]: First floor.

[the walk into the elevator, James presses the button marked 1]

John: Well, it is 11:00 AM.  How crowded could a strip club be?

James: I find it odd that there is only one elevator to get into a strip club, a bar, and penthouses.

John: Yeah, considering the building does go the length of three city blocks.

James: That’s weird too.

[the elevator door opens to reveal an empty room with a bar in the far corner and numerous poles]

John: So, second floor.

James: Okay, let’s go see Lefty.  [He presses the button marked 2]

John: How crowded do you think the bar will be?

James: As crowded as the strip club.

John: Maybe this isn’t even the right Lefty.

[the elevator door opens to reveal an extremely crowded bar with music playing loudly]

John [jokingly]: As crowded as the strip club…

James: Shut up.

John [points to the right]:  Look at the bar, there’s Lefty.

James [yelling]: Hey Lefty!!!

[Lefty turns around to see James and John coming towards him]

Lefty: Hey, it’s you two!! What the hell are you doing here?

John: Well, we were just in the neighborhood, and…

Lefty: Right, uh-huh, okay, so how are things?

James: Fine.  We’re getting early admission to Dayboqrx U.

Lefty: Wow, that’s great, looks like my selling of alcoholic beverages outside of your high school didn’t screw you up too bad.

John: Yeah, I suppose.

James: Some place you got here, it’s huge.

Lefty: Yeah, three city blocks long.

James: You must make a ton of money!

Lefty: Yeah, but let’s just put it this way.  Do you know the kind of damage you can do to your arm throwing a beer down three blocks to an overweight guy named Jim-bo!  And then he throws his $3.75 to pay for it in pennies.  It’s insane!!

John: Uh-huh.  So, we’ve really enjoyed catching up with you, but we need to find an apartment today.

Lefty: You know the bar owns two penthouses on the third floor.

John: That’s great, but we need a place with a roommate over 18.

James: And the roommate must be able to pay two-thirds of the rent.

Lefty: Well, there is one place.

James: Well, let’s look at it.

 

Scene Six:

“I Said, We’ll Take It”

Location: A penthouse, above Lefty’s

Characters: John, James, and Lefty

 

[they open the door]

John: Holy crap, look at the size of this place!

James: It’s huge.  It’s over a block long.  There’s even a pool!!  It most cost a fortune!

John: I don’t think we can get the university to pay one-third the rent on this place.

James: Hey, they can’t back out of an agreement.  Verbal contract.

Lefty: Do you like the place?

John: Have you not heard the last few lines of this conversation?

Lefty: Now, you would have no roommates.

James: It’s okay, we can still pay for it, we’ll just need to take an extra job or something.

John: Yeah, I think we’ll take it.

Lefty: So, do you want to rent out the place?

John [to James]: Am I talking to a wall?  [to Lefty] I just said, ‘Yeah, I think we’ll take it’.

Lefty: So you’re still a little undecided, I’ll let you think it over.  [leaves the room]

[ James and John stand speechless at Lefty’s lack of hearing for a moment]

John: Was he always that bad at hearing?

James: Well, let’s see.  Four people living here, plus Dayboqrx U. pays a third of the rent.  If we get a side job, we could easily pay for this place.

John: I have a feeling that two-thirds of this rent would be astronomical.

James: Let’s take it anyway, if it’s too much, we’ll work something out.

John: Sounds good, gotta find Lefty now though.

James: Let’s go.

[they open the door and Lefty falls into the room]

John: Were you leaning on the door?

Lefty: So, you want the place?

John: Were you leaning on the door?

Lefty: You want it or what, I ain’t got all day!

John: Did somebody turn off Lefty’s hearing?

James: We’ll take it.

John: We gotta call Katie and Joe to tell them that they need to help us move the stuff.

 

Scene Seven:

“Subway Adventure”

Location: A downtown-bound 8 train (express line)

Characters: Joe, Katie, and an empty subway car

 

[ Joe and Katie are lying along the seats in an subway car]

Katie: Would you have imagined that the subway system would be this empty this time of day?

Joe: This is a great subway system.

Katie: I know, it’s really comfortable too, I hope John and James are just as comfortable.

Joe: I’m sure they are.

Katie: Anyway, do you remember where the hotel is?

Joe: Nah, let’s just keep riding on the subway and pretend like we didn’t know where the stop was and then we’ll have an excuse to not help them with the stuff.

Katie: I don’t know about that, that’s pretty mean, are we that lazy?

Joe: Yes…

Katie: Okay then.

[You can then see John and James waiting on the platform.  However, the train Joe and Katie are on is an express and does not stop at that stop…the train keeps going]

Katie: Was that James and John?

Joe: How could it be, they said they were already on their way to the hotel?

[After a few seconds of silence, the train makes a stop, and only one man gets on…he is wearing a giant hat]

Joe: Look at the size of that hat!

Katie: Shhhh, he’ll hear you.

Joe: Who cares, that hat is huge and goofy looking.

Man: HEY!!!

[The man gets up and proceeds to walk over to Joe]

Joe: I didn’t say it, it was him [ Joe points to an empty corner of the car].  Yeah, get him!

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Scene Eight:

“The REAL Subway Adventure”

Location: A downtown-bound 8 train (local line)

Characters: James, John, and a crowded subway car

 

James: Listen, if the train is this crowded uptown-bound, how the hell will we be able to hold all of our bags?

John: Let’s just hope we can get our stuff out and into our new place and still get to the university in time.

James: Yeah.  Big mistake getting on this local line.

John: I’ve never been in a car this crowded before.

James: I know, I hope it’s not like this all the time.  How will we ever get to classes on time?

John: Do you know what stop the hotel is?

James: I think it’s either Dayboqrx Avenue or the Connection, or 213th Street by the college, or Presidential Boulevard.

John: That was very vague of you James, but Dayboqrx Avenue sounds about right.

Conductor [over intercom]: 192nd Street, transfer to shuttle services.  203rd is next.

James: It looks to me like nobody is getting off.

John: But a bunch are getting on.

[the two shuffle around a bit between people getting on the cars]

[the train begins moving again and the two are silent for a little while, then the train stops and the lights go out]

John: Oh, well, this is just perfect.

[they stand in silence for about five seconds until a woman starts screaming]

John: This is making the whole situation better.

Strange Man: I hope everyone knows that I have a weapon.

[a few women start to scream]

James: Well, this situation is so much worse now!

Loud Voiced Man: Alright, everybody calm down and nobody gets hurt!!!

John: Well, two days in Dayboqrx and both are absolutely atrocious.

James: This is the strangest city on Earth.

Conductor [over intercom]: Everybody please stay calm and be sure to [words are muffled and fuzzy] immediately.

Woman: What did he say??

Woman 2: I don’t know!?!

Loud Voiced Man: He said SHUT UP!!!

James: No need to yell, you said everybody stay calm.

Strange Man: Hey, who said that.

[the lights go back on]

James: I… … … didn’t.

[the train moves again and everybody is silent]

Conductor [over intercom]: We’d like to thank all of you for participating in today’s drill.  If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been in a lot of trouble.

Woman 2: What do you mean, we would have been in a lot of trouble, in an actual emergency???

John: He can’t hear you.

Woman 2: You shut up.

James: So who here said all that crap about having a weapon, huh? [everyone is silent] Oh, so nobody’s taking the blame now that we can see you!

John: I think it was just part of this drill.

James [now understanding]: Oh, gotcha.

 

Scene Nine:

“Fragile/Intro”

Location: Hallway outside penthouse

Characters: The Gang and Benji

 

[ John and James are seen carrying boxes through the hallway outside of the penthouse when Benji walks up behind them]

Benji: Hey guys, uh, … , who are you?

John: Oh hi, you must live across the hall, well, I’m John and that’s my friend James, we’re moving in next door.

Benji: Do your new roommates know about that?

James: We’re not gonna have any roommates.

Benji: What about the two that live there?

John: The one’s that moved out?

Benji: Yeah, them……oh, I see.  Well, how’d you get the place?

James: Lefty showed it to us and we took it.

Benji: Oh, you know Lefty?

John: Yeah, that’s how we got the place.

Benji: Ah, makes sense. 

[Katie and Joe walk up the stairs]

Katie: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?

Benji: Oh, I’m Benji.

Joe: Nice to meet you Benji, I’m Joe, that’s Katie, John, and James.

Benji: Nice to meet you.  You wanna come over for dinner tonight?

James: Oh sure, that’s so nice of you.  We’d love to.

Benji: Say about six-ish?

Katie: Sounds great, we’ll see you then.

Benji: Okay, good.

[The four walk into their penthouse with boxes as Benji opens the door, revealing the inside of his penthouse.  The audience sees that Benji’s apartment is in awful condition and that he literally owns millions upon millions of cats.  The gang does not see this.]

Benji [to the cats]:  How are my babies??

[Promptly after his door closes, the guys’ door opens]

John: And I’m just saying you shouldn’t have put your clothes in the other person’s dresser.

James: There was room for it!

[a few minutes later, the guys are seen carrying a large box marked “FRAGILE” towards their penthouse.  James is walking backwards with it]

John: You got the other end of it?

James: For the tenth time, YES!!

John: Where are Joe and Katie now?

James: They’re downstairs getting the television.

John: Listen, I just don’t want the computer to fall and break into a ba-jillion pieces.

James: Uh-oh.

John: Uh-oh is not a good thing to say when we are holding a heavy fragile computer.

James: Our door is shut.

John: Well, we just have to open it.

James: But we have the computer in our hands!

John: Well, we have to put the computer down.

James: Do you remember how long it took for us to pick up the computer in the first place?

John: About 10 minutes.

James: We gotta think of something.

John: I’ve got it!

James: This doesn’t involve some kind of magical door opening trick, does it?

John [who obviously was thinking of some kind of magical door opening trick]: Ummm, no!

 

Scene Ten:

“Meet My Friend/Meet My Cats”

Location: Benji’s Penthouse

Characters: John, James, Benji, and Uhdulph

 

[ John knocks on the door.  James is to his right holding a cake.  No answer from Benji.   John knocks again.  This time you hear cats meowing loudly inside the apartment]

James: He owns cats?

John: I’m allergic to cats.

James: Well, if there is just one then I’m sure you’ll survive dinner.

[Benji opens the door, scratched up and bleeding from the arms.]

Benji: Hey guys, how are ya!

John: What happened to you??

Benji: Oh, you know, a cat thing.  Where are the other two?

James: Well, Katie said she needed a haircut, so she won’t be joining us, and Joe went to tell the university that we found a place.

Benji: Alright.  I hope you don’t mind I have another friend who’ll be joining us.

James: I’m sure it’s fine.  What’s his name?

Benji: Uhdulph Heetlar.

[The guys look at each other]

James [sounding slightly nervous, with a hint of anger]: Adolf Hitler?!?

Benji: No, no, no, no, no, no, … , Uhdulph Heetlar.  Look, here’s a picture of him. [He shows John and James a picture]

John: That’s a picture of Hitler in a Nazi uniform!

Benji: No, that’s Uhdulph at a Halloween party last year.

John: He went as Hitler!

James: Why is the picture in black and white?

Benji: Yes he went as Hitler and it was an old camera.  Here’s another, non-Halloween pictures of Uhdulph.  [He shows John and James another picture]

John: This is another picture of Hitler!

Benji: Fine, why don’t you just come in and meet him.

James: I’m not sure if I want to.

[Uhdulph comes into the hallway; Uhdulph has the mustache but he’s wearing casual clothes]

Uhdulph: Uh, Benji, Angie number thirty-three thousand two hundred fifteen got onto the fire escape.

Benji: Oh my God, this is a disaster!

[Benji runs into his apartment leaving an irked John and James with Uhdulph]

Uhdulph: So, you guys are the new people next door.

John [nervous]: Uh, yeah that’s right.  Do you live with Benji?

Uhdulph: No, we’re just old college buddies.

James [with a little more courage to speak than John]: What did you mean Angie number thirty-thousand or whatever?

Uhdulph: Oh, Benji names his cats by number.  The female cats are Angie and the male cats are Andy.

John: Oh, but 33,000!

Uhdulph: He has a lot of cats.

James: So, what’s your opinion on Jewish people?

Uhdulph: I get that question a lot.  I LOVE them, I mean, even my wife is Jewish.

John: Really??? Interesting…

[Benji comes back]

Benji: So, how are you guys getting along?

James: Awkwardly.

Benji: Why don’t we all go in and eat?

[ John and James walk into the apartment and get their first look at the cats]

John: Holy crap, he wasn’t kidding.  Look at all of these cats!

James: There must be a few million of them.

John: The penthouse goes for one and a half blocks like ours.  All I can see both ways are cats.  Millions upon millions of cats!

Benji: You guys can take a seat you know.

John: Where!?!

Benji: On the couch, stupid!

John [mouthing the words]: What couch?

Benji: Okay guys, dinner is ready, let’s eat.

James: Where is the table?

Benji: You're standing right by it.

John: What are we having to eat?

Benji: Oh, you’ll love it.  Meow-meows.

James: Meow-meows?

Benji: Yeah, very nutritional.

John: You eat cat food?

Benji: Oh all the time.  Really strengthens the mind.

John [softly to James]: I’m sure it does you crazy idiot.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Scene Eleven:
”What Did We Forget?”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: John, James, Katie, and Joe

During the closing credits

 

[ John, James, and Katie are sitting on the couch watching TV, it’s almost midnight]

James: What a rough first two days in Dayboqrx City, huh John.

John: Tell me about it.  Having to find an apartment.

James: The murderer, the hobo, the screaming girl.

John: Then Benji and the cats.

James: It’s been fun though.

John: I suppose so.

[The three laugh at a joke on the television, then Joe walks in]

Katie: Hey Joe, what took you so long?

Joe: Yeah, about that…what was I supposed to do again?

James: You were supposed to tell the university that we found a place?

Joe [lying]:  Oh right, I did that.

John: DID YOU!?!?!

Joe: No.

John: What time is the deadline?
James: Midnight.

John: And what time is it?

Katie: 11:49 pm.

[ James and John look at each other, then sprint out the door]


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