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Quotes

Narrator: In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of a elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

Captain Donald Cragen: Since when is oral sex not sex?

Det. Olivia Benson: Since Bill Clinton said so

Det. Brian Cassidy: Have you ever thought about having kids?

Det. John Munch: Why? I have you.

Det. John Munch: I don't just want to rain on your parade, I want to burst all your floats.

Captain Donald Cragen: You don't get to pick the vic.

Det. Olivia Benson: So on your one night as a bachelor you go to the grocery store? That's pretty pathetic.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Grocery store with strippers.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah you are. For as long as I have known you, you've always identified with the victims. Now maybe that's because you're a woman... I don't know. But I do know it's one of the things that makes you a great cop. It's also one of the things that makes this job torture sometimes. You can never go back and change things that have already happened, Olivia. You can't.

Det. Olivia Benson: You kill yourself, to make something happen. Or you do nothing and it doesn't matter. There's always another child molester. There's always another rapist. And it's like you have to sell a little piece of yourself to get the job done. So what the h-ll's the point?

Det. Elliot Stabler: I don't know, maybe there isn't a point. Maybe the cost is too high. Olivia, no one's making you do this. The difference between you and all the victims is you can walk away.

Det. Olivia Benson: No I can't.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: That's what all Junkies say.

Det. Brian Cassidy: So why didn't you ever have kids? Didn't want the responsibility?

Det. John Munch: I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me.

Dr. Audrey Jackson: Do you always deflect personal questions with jokes?

Det. John Munch: Do you always deflect jokes with personal questions?

Det. John Munch: Now I'm a pain in my own ass.

Det. John Munch: There should be a special level of hell for this pus-sucking, gangrenous malignancy of a mental amoeba.

Captain Donald Cragen: Did somebody steal your parking space again?

George Huang: Do you gamble, Elliot?

Detective Stabler: Only with birth control.

Alex: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Detective Stabler: Either those men raped your daughter or your husband took their semen out of you and did it himself.

Angie Landricks: That's disgusting.

Detective Stabler: (slams fist down)You're disgusting. You are. Your own child.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: How many guys she gotta whack until you're confident?

[Stabler drove out of his way to check on Benson]

Detective Olivia Benson: I sure as hell wouldn't drive all the way to Queens just to save *your* ass.

Detective Stabler: Yeah, you would.

Detective Olivia Benson: [pause] OK, but only because you have a wife and kids.

Detective Stabler: Yeah.

[Searching a suspect's apartment for his cat to gather trace evidence]

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I don't see a cat.

Det. John Munch: That doesn't mean anything. They're freaky little creatures. They lurk.

[Munch finds the cat moments later]

Det. John Munch: Oh, there you are, you demonic little furball.

Police Psychiatrist George Huang, M.D.: What, you assume I speak Chinese?

Detective Stabler: No, I heard you order take-out once.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Here pussy, pussy, pussy...

Det. John Munch: You're kidding, right?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: This is not my area of expertise.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Alright. Nice dress.

Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, well, it was a nice date. Where's Munch?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: He rang in sick.

Detective Olivia Benson: He's such a hypochondriac. How many times has he had anthrax this week?

[Munch walks by on crutches]

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I can't wait to hear this.

Det. John Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.

Detective Olivia Benson: What happened to you?

Det. John Munch: Skydiving, hard landing. Captain Donald Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: No matter what you say, Captain, you're not black and you're not from the hood.

Tom Landricks: I love my daughter. I would never harm a hair on her head.

Alex Cabot: Shut-up.

[Fin and Munch walk into a movie store and see if they owner knows the little girl and shows him the picture.]

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You know her?

[He starts rubbing the picture, Fin quickly takes it away.]

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Don't make me smack you.

Police Psychiatrist: We still have 45 minutes.

John Munch: Well, I could give you a complete detailed account of my sex life... but what are we going to do with the other 44 minutes?

Randolph Morrow: Honey, I'd like some mineral water, a little ice.

Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, well, I'd like your balls in a blender, but ain't life a bitch.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Maybe you shouldnt've called her "honey".

[Benson and Stabler are going to a party store to try to find a suspect]

Detective Stabler: While we're there, remind me to get party tape for the twins' birthday party. I don't want to have to use crime scene tape.

[Cragen comes out of a bathroom stall to find all the detectives waiting for him]

Captain Donald Cragen: I'm not tipping *all* of you.

[Fin starts to put eye drops in his eyes]

Det. John Munch: Can I have some?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: No

Det. John Munch: Please?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: No, that's how you get pinkeye.

[After he lost on a game]

Det. John Munch: Damn it. I died.

[Fin grabs the controller]

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Give me this.

Det. Olivia Benson: Your son? You're never gonna see that kid again. You MURDERED seven men for a HOTEL ROOM and a MANICURE!

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Why do we always get stuck looking for the needle in the haystack?

Det. John Munch: Yeah, it's reminds me of the Easter egg hunts of my youth.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Your family's Jewish, you guys don't hide eggs.

Det. John Munch: I know, all those mindless hours of searching.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You're a kid, what does that look like to you?

Det. John Munch: A death trap.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: you're pathetic, that's the coolest fort ever.

Det. John Munch: You had a dramatic childhood, eh Sherlock?

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: A lapdance is a pretty strong signal.

Det. John Munch: And with that I say good-night, you need to drive me home and you need to get some sleep.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You need to get a new driver.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You have the right to an attorney and if you throw up in my car, I'll kill ya.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Take good care of them. Their a long way from home.

[Running down a suspect after their cover was blown. Fin grabs him and slams him into the wall. Then begans to beat him and punch him]

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: They're kids, you sick sonuvabitch!

[Then Elliot comes in the car]

Detective Stabler: Fin! Fin!

[He pulls Fin off the suspect]

Michael Gardner: Why didn't you question me, Detective Benson?

Det. Olivia Benson: I was preparing your victim for the lineup.

Michael Gardner: Oh. So it wasn't because I punched you earlier that night?

ADA Alexandra Cabot: Objection! Relevance?

Michael Gardner: I'm trying to ascertain whether or not the detective has a personal stake in my rest in prosecution.

Judge Lois Preston: I'll allow it.

Det. Olivia Benson: I have no personal stake in you.

Michael Gardner: You're not mad at me? Or, uh, embarrassed that I eluded your grasp in front of your colleagues?

Det. Olivia Benson: It's not uncommon for a perpetrator to lose control of himself. And I have certainly been hit much harder.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Well, wait 'til you're a parent.

Det. Olivia Benson: Don't throw that crap at me, Elliot.

[To a rapist/cop killer]

Det. Elliot Stabler: That year you're doing on your head... add 25 more and choke on it.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Trust me, married couples don't have sex in parks.

Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: [gets in Olivia's face] Bring it on, bitch!

[Elliot slams him back in his chair]

Max Van Horn/Mitch Wilkens: [laughs] Hoohoohoo...

Det. Elliot Stabler: Tidy...

Det. Olivia Benson: It could use a splash of color.

Det. Elliot Stabler: [points to black, gray, white and red painting on the wall] There ya are...

Det. Olivia Benson: Blood red wasn't what I had in mind.

[Talking to Vienna, the girl who last saw the vicitm]

Det. Elliot Stabler: You were at AirBar with her.

Vienna Sterling: No I wasn't.

Det. Olivia Benson: Really?

[grabs Vienna's hand and shines UV light on it to reveal an elephant stamp]

Vienna Sterling: What are you doing?

Det. Olivia Benson: Well, Elephant says you were.

Det. Elliot Stabler: And they never forget.

Det. Olivia Benson: Oh, what is it with you people, what is wrong with you? Do you have a conscience? You RAPED and KILLED a LITTLE GIRL!

[About a pedophile's defense attorney]

ADA Alexandra Cabot: He is as bad as his client. Hoping the victim is too traumatized to testify. He's lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat!

Capt. Donald Cragen: I'd pay real money to see that.

[A pedophile is trying to leave town]

Det. Elliot Stabler: Oh, he's leaving town. You know we're sure gonna miss you.

Roy Barnett: What now?

Det. Olivia Benson: We're helpin' ya pack.

[takes packing box from Barnett]

Det. Elliot Stabler: You think all this stuff is gonna fit in his cell?

Det. Olivia Benson: Probably not.

[To the defense's neurologist]

ADA Alexandra Cabot: Thank you. You've offered a provocative theory. What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Seein' that shrink, did that help?

Det. Olivia Benson: Not much.

Luke Edmunds: You wouldn't testify against your partner.

Det. Olivia Benson: Don't throw that blue-wall crap at me, if he did what Cooper did you bet your ass I would.

Luke Edmunds: It's not so easy, partners are like blood.

[After Olivia's killed someone]

Det. Olivia Benson: I gotta give my statement.

Det. Elliot Stabler: I'll take it...

Det. Olivia Benson: YOU leave me alone.

Det. Olivia Benson: He smells expensive.

Capt. Donald Cragen: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to smell the defendant

[Looking through a victim's purse for ID]

Det. Olivia Benson: No jewelry. I always carry at least a pair of earrings in my purse.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Yeah, like you carry a purse.

Det. Olivia Benson: That's 'cause you carry it for me.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Heh...

Det. John Munch: Miss Webber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and try to picture David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.

Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honour, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.

Det. John Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical peroxism.

Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?

Det. John Munch: O-R-G-A-S-M

Det. Olivia Benson: We blame all kinds of people for creating monsters. Why not ourselves?

Det. Olivia Benson: Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you.

Det. Olivia Benson: If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one.

ADA Alexandra Cabot: How many drinks did you have? Olivia, the system made a mistake before, now everything we do is under a microscope. Det.

Olivia Benson: [pause] I wasn't drunk.

[The squad has been working for four days straight]

Det. Olivia Benson: I've read the same paragraph five times and I still have no idea what it says.

Det. Olivia Benson: Do people have sex in bed anymore?

Det. Elliot Stabler: All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Det. John Munch: Are we missing some key peice of information?

Capt. Donald Cragen and Det. Elliot Stabler:(in unison) Shut up, John.

Det. Olivia Benson: We need to talk to the grapes.

Det. Olivia Benson: I don't date scum.

Det. Olivia Benson: Shut your mouth and wait for your lawyer.