Cast: Greg Proops, Josie Lawrence, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Clive Anderson

Let's Make a Date: Josie = contestant; Greg = characters from A Streetcar Named Desire; Colin = has an acute sense of smell; Ryan = horny Frankenstein's monster
I admit that I have never cared for Josie as the contestant because (1) she always assumes a very annoying personality, (2) she usually asks the same question to each bachelor (I like different questions for each, better), and (3) Josie rarely successfully guesses the quirks. At least tonight, Josie didn't do one of the three reasons I don't like her as a contestant. Unfortunately, she still took an annoying personality, and she still asked the same question to each bachelor. Josie barely begins her questioning when Greg (in a deep Southern accent) begins fanning himself and complaining about the heat. Slightly annoyed at the interruption, Josie corrects him for interrupting and asks her first question — what would Greg buy her if he won the lottery. I don't recall him ever answering the question. (I don't think any of them did, actually.) Greg's performance as Blanche DuBois was very nice. He quoted the most famous lines from the play and played the Southern Belle quite well. Colin started his quirk by mentioning that deodorant is very helpful to perspiring people. (Josie had called Greg a sweating pig. Greg called himself a "perspiring porcine".) Colin was about to answer Josie's lottery question, when his nose started twitching again from the smoke of the burning building this time. The burning building that was five miles away, that is. When Josie asked her question to Ryan, he moaned a little, then looked at her. "You pretty. Me put something inside you." Colin had to restrain Ryan as he lumbered from his stool towards Josie.

Josie's second round question was about food. In a restaurant, what starter would you choose and why? (I'm assuming "starter" means appetizer. But I'm not really sure.) To answer the second question, Greg switched from Blanche DuBois to Marlon Brando. I say Brando rather than the character's name, but Greg was very clearly doing Brando more than the character. Brando is not Greg's best impersonation, but it was obvious enough whom Greg was impersonating. Colin was about to answer Josie's food question when his nose started twitching again. "Check the bottom of your shoe. Really. Right now." When Josie checked her shoe, she noticed that it was covered in poo. Poor Colin. With his nose, it was probably all he could do to not bolt from the studio. Josie asked Ryan her question, and he started moaning again. "Me touch bumpy things on chest." Once again Colin had to restrain him as he got up towards Josie. When Ryan sat back down, he had somehow twisted on the stool so that instead of facing the audience, he was facing Colin. Still feeling horny, he began to check out Colin who seemed bemused by Ryan's actions.

As I said at the beginning, Josie isn't a great guesser. But she was right on tonight. Greg was all the characters from Streetcar. I think she actually used the word "acute" in describing Colin's quirk. She got the Frankenstein's monster bit easily enough. Clive had to ask her what mood he was in. Josie said "randy" which is certainly a good enough description. I found a couple of things interesting there at the end. Instead of guessing by Bachelor #1 and so forth, Josie guessed by the players' names. That's not so unusual. But for some reason, Josie used Greg's full name but only used Colin and Ryan's first names. It just struck me as odd to hear her say "Greg Proops" and then only say "Colin" and "Ryan". Almost as if she didn't know Greg that well. The other odd thing I noticed was that Ryan was going to make absolutely certain Josie knew who he was. During the guessing, Greg and Colin both dropped their characters, but Ryan kept going by reaching up to his neck and twisting the knobs that the monster traditionally has there. I don't know if Josie needed the extra clues, but she was definitely watching him.

Hats: world's worst ad campaign; all four
Hats is never a favorite game of mine. But here are the highlights that I remember. Ryan put on a chicken mask and mentioned something about a drive-through chicken place. I half expected him to make some reference to Kentucky Fried Chicken although I really don't know if he was doing the KFC ads at the time. I think he either was doing them or had recently done them though, because Clive was laughing even before Ryan said anything. Using a Pharaoh's headdress, Ryan did a very bad pun asking women if they had cramps because it was time for their pyramid. My favorite Ryan one was a chain mail head covering. He was advertising for a hotel. Stay three nights and get a knight free. (Believe it or not, there's a small local hotel, The Knight's Inn that actually uses a similar slogan where I live.) Colin used a witch's hat, but I have no idea what he was selling. Using a clown hat, Colin advertised a funeral home. Colin's best was a winged Viking helmet where he announced "they have wings". (I don't know for sure what he was selling, but what I thought of went along very nicely with Ryan's Pharaoh joke.)

Josie only did two hats — actually one wasn't a hat but a long plastic glove that reached to her shoulder. I didn't get the joke. And I still don't.¹ Her other hat was a welder's mask. She was selling some sort of acne product. Greg had the most entries and the best ones of all. He started off with a large pair of oversized glasses selling some sort of body cream. (Not a great joke.) Then he put on a fez and claimed he was from the cartoon Secret Squirrel but was now selling make up. He stopped midway through his spiel leading Clive to believe he was done. So Clive buzzed him out. Thus beginning a battle of jokester and buzzer that ran through the rest of Greg's entries. You see. Greg wasn't finished with his joke. And he wasn't about to let Clive buzz him out. So he kept on. And when Greg came on with a judge's wig selling margarine, he wasn't going to let Clive buzz him out then, either. Finally, Greg came on with a Soviet cap advertising the Chinese army. Buzz. Eat rice. Buzz. Share a gun with platoon. Buzz. That buzzing sound is the capitalists trying to suppress us. Buzz. Definitely, the best hat sequence of the game.

Sound Effects: a knight preparing for a joust
Colin began the game asleep, but woke up at the cock's crow. (And I'm not talking about a rooster.) He starts to put on the bottom half of his armor but after stepping in, Colin discovered a cat inside. Colin removed the cat and threw it out of the window. After putting on the legs and breastplate, Colin put on the helmet. Only he got it on backwards and started suffocating, so he removed it and placed it on correctly. (Greg rather liked that bit.) Now, things got a little interesting for Colin as a performer. His character is now encased in metal. But pantomime depends on body movement. So Colin was constantly having to battle between the "reality" of the pantomime (i.e. not bending or moving) and the reality of doing the pantomime (which requires bending and moving). He settled upon keeping his legs very stiff but his upper body mostly had free reign to move. Colin first began preparing for the joust by swinging his sword. Only to swing it completely out the window. Then he tried the mace. Unfortunately, he swung that into his "rooster" as well. So it was on to the lance. And a sound effect that I don't recall hearing from Ryan before. To convey the effect of a long lance, Ryan gives this low pitched "womble" sound. (I can't really describe it.) But I thought it was very funny. It was like he was saying wobble but somehow sticking an M into the word. Very effective.

Now that Colin has his weapon of choice, he goes to mount his steed. Only it turns out to be a goat. So he throws it out the window too. You can hear the goat baaaa-ing all the way down. For about three stories. (Don't ask me why the barn animals were on the third floor. They just were.) Colin tries again. This time, he finds a horse but almost mounts it backwards. Colin mounts and then realizes that the barn door is still shut; so he has to dismount to open it and ride out. (Somehow managing to leave the building on the first floor.) Lance securely tucked beneath his arm, Colin rides out to face the world. At this point, I think both Colin and Ryan were expecting Clive to end the game. But for some reason, he didn't. So Colin starts riding around the stage; Ryan keeps making the galloping noise, and neither really knows what to do next. Finally, Ryan hits upon the idea of having Colin ride up along or over a sheep. So Colin stabs one with his lance and tosses it aside. That's when Clive finally buzzes in. All in all, it was an amusing Sound Effects game that unfortunately ran on too long.

Hoe-down: foreign travel; all four
The cut game. Not a good thing. Love 'em or hate 'em, Hoe-down is one of the signature WLiiA games. It shouldn't be cut whenever lesser games are available. I would gladly have traded either Hats or Sound Effects for this Hoe-down. Or any Hoe-down for that matter.

Mission Improbable: buying a pair of shoes; Ryan and Colin = spies; Greg = voice on tape
My candidate for the most bizarre game of the show, I'm not quite sure where Ryan and Colin were when they playing this game but it wasn't any place normal people go, that much I'm sure of. Colin starts the game by having a cassette pigeon fly in and land on his finger. They remove the cassette, and Ryan casually kills the bird. Greg announces that an emiress is coming to the country and needs a new pair of "mock croc slingbacks". Ryan and Colin are the ones chosen to acquire them. Ryan doesn't think it can be done; they don't know her size, what she wants, etc. But Colin has all the relevant shoe information in his pants. You see, he had a fax inserted into his buttocks........ (Yes, you read that right). Ryan proceeds to read the fax information. (One small comment — I pity the emiress for having size 12 feet. No wonder she has a hard time finding shoes.) Ryan and Colin jet pack to the shoe store. They can't go through the door. They might be spotted. So Colin thinks about the problem and realizes that he can "....... Just land" on the roof. The skylight's locked. But Ryan reminds Colin that he knows opera. Hit that high note! And the glass shatters. Laser beams crisscross the floor. They have nothing to lower themselves down with. Wait! Ryan has an outie belly button. Colin can lower himself down with that. Colin stares. "You are a man of many talents." Colin lowers himself down and drops to the floor. Come on down! "Wait! How can I lower myself with my own belly button???" "I have an innie belly button. I'll catch you!" Ryan jumps down; landing in Colin's belly button. (Don't ask. Just, don't ask.) They see the shoes. But Ryan notices lasers and small holes in the wall. Electronic darts! "I guess that means, you go!" And Ryan pushes Colin into the darts setting them off. Colin tosses one shoe to Ryan, then another. "Wait, that shoe I just tossed you! It's ticking!" Ryan puts the shoe to his ear. Yes, it is ticking. (Which is really surprising actually, because Ryan put the wrong shoe to his ear. He should have put the one he caught last as Colin instructed, but he put the one he caught first to his ear.) Puts the other shoe to his ear. That one is silent. It must be a Hush Puppy.

They've been set up! Colin backs away. If the shoe explodes, he doesn't want to be near it. "Wait! You have an innie belly button. You can smother it in your belly button!" They put the shoe in Colin's belly button and it explodes inside Colin. As the smoke clears, Colin announces "Now my fax is ruined!" Clive buzzes in ending the game. Which was very fortunate for Ryan because I don't think he could have kept a straight face for much longer after Colin's final line. Like I said at the beginning, this was a truly bizarre game.

Greatest Hits: Songs of the Hospital; Ryan and Greg = sell; Josie = sings
No, that is not a typo. Ryan and Greg sell. Colin actually sat this one out. I will be up front here. Since I love to see Ryan and Colin in sell mode, it's hard for me not to be disappointed that Colin didn't play this game. On the other hand, like everyone else, I've always wondered how Greg would do here. There were times when I felt that Greg was stepping on Ryan's lines (yes, I know it's not scripted; you know what I mean) but given a few more tries, I think Greg would have learned to recognize Ryan's signals better. (But sorry, Greg fans, I still would prefer to see Colin play the game with Ryan. I'm a Colin fan; what can I say?) Greg took the first song intro explaining how the cafeteria was important to the workings of a hospital and introducing that 1950s hit, "Wow! This soup is cold." It's interesting to note that Josie only sang 4 lines to this song. One major difference between the UK and US versions of the Greatest Hits game is the number of lines in the songs themselves. The US songs invariably last longer. And did anyone recognize the tune? The accompaniment Richard Vranch played was the same as the one he played two seasons earlier in the Songs of the Bathroom where Josie was singing about taking a bath with "John".

Greg introduced the second song as well, although I think Ryan tried to get some commentary in here unsuccessfully. It was a rock song that Josie said was based on Gary Glitter, but I don't know Glitter's works well enough to tell how successfully she invoked his spirit. I'd tell you what the name of the song is except that I'm not sure what Greg said. He tripped over the last words of the title, "Slice Me, Dice Me" and then maybe "Nicely, Nicely"? I'm not sure what the last two words were. Josie sang more lines for this song about anesthesia and operations, but the song still didn't last as long as the average US song.

Ryan introduced the final song though Greg stepped in on Ryan's lines here too. It was a children's tune, and my favorite of the three. The title doesn't begin to describe what Josie sang, "I May Be Just an Optometrist, But I Only Have Eyes for You". Josie sang the song in a small child's voice and turned it into a most delightfully sadistic song about Mommy and Daddy having a fight. "Daddy wasn't very kind that's why Mommy made him blind." Colin had been watching the game very sedately in the background, but at that line, his whole face lit up as he tried not to laugh too loudly.

Credits: Josie and Greg = pretentious wine tasters; Ryan and Colin = drunk people in the background
Josie and Greg made an excellent pair of wine tasters. I was surprised at how easily the names blended in with the scene. Each person became a wine name, and the description of the wine doubled for a description of the person. For instance, Greg tasted a wine that was "Cranky yet vitriolic. It's called a Clive Anderson." He also tasted one that was "Cheap and on the top shelf. It's called a Dan Patterson." Meanwhile, Ryan is urinating in the background and Colin eventually passes out. I thought it was one of the better credit readings.

Best Game:
Let's Make a Date. Even Josie's annoying persona couldn't ruin the performances by the guys in Let's Make a Date. Each one hit the quirk as well as the quirk could possibly be hit, I thought. One other comment about Let's Make a Date. I've often wondered at what point in the game's evolution, the players started interacting with each other the way they do in the US version now. In this episode's playing, you can see them moving towards that. Some day when I have all the UK Let's Make a Date games, I might watch them one after the other in chronological order. Just to see if earlier playing had the kind of player interplay that this one had. I bet there aren't many.

Overall Comments:
When I first saw the cast list for this episode, I had high hopes for the episode. I think my hopes for the show were probably too high. I came away feeling that the show didn't live up to what I was expecting. I can't point my finger at anything and say "THAT WAS BAD". When I'm in the mood for bizarre, I might rewatch the Mission Improbable game. But I doubt I'll rewatch this show often.

© LKK 12/28/00

Footnotes:
¹ A gentle reader wrote and explained Josie's Hats joke with the long glove. She was referring to a female condom (using a British term). The joke was that she had put it on incorrectly, of course.

© LKK 08/17/02