Title: These Dreams 
Author: LondnRain 
Posted: 02-08-2003 
Email: armslikeorion@yahoo.com
Rating: Rish for later chapters
Category: BtVS 3 
Content: a bit of C/X, VERY minor B/A, and of course Mainly C/A!! 
Spoilers: General Season 3 BtVS
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made. 
Distribution: Nothing Fancy, of course...anyplace else, if you want it you got it just let me know where k! 
Notes: Chalk it up to watching my Season 2 and Season 3 Buffy DVDs...this takes place pre Lover's Walk...so C/X are together and B/A are kinda "trying to be together," unsuccessfully of course! 
Feedback: 

Part 1 
Two rough, yet gentle hands caressed her bare back
eliciting hot shivers down her spine and causing her to moan in pure pleasure. His lips were upon hers capturing the moan and savoring it. His strong arms pulling them even closer together, so close she wasn't sure where she ended and he began. Everything felt right in that moment, like nothing had in her life. She felt safe, loved. He made her feel like the most beautiful women in the world. Her hand reached out to touch his face, which was hidden in the shadows. 

"I want to see you, the man who makes me feel so complete." She whispered into the darkness. His finger came to her lips. 

"Shh, it isn't time." His finger was replaced by his lips and his hands started a journey to touch every inch of her body. 

The whole world seemed to disappear in that instant, it was just them, the way it was meant to be. She didn't know his face, but he seemed familiar somehow. 

His hands were magic, knowing just the right spots to make her feel like she was going to explode from sheer pleasure. She could feel it building inside of her, she was close. He was on top of her now and she held her breath in anticipation. 

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP 

Cordelia grumbled as she hit the snooze button on her alarm clock. 

"Damn thing, you couldn't have waited just a bit longer?" 

She rolled out of bed and sat down at her vanity. She looked at her flushed face and sweat soaked hair. "That was one hell of a dream." She smiled as she could still almost feel his breath on her skin and the feel of his hands on her. She let out a ragged breath then shook the thoughts out of her mind "It was just a dream." She stated firmly "It was just a dream." She repeated sadly. 
*** 

Cordelia Chase walked down the halls of Sunnydale  High, the halls that she used to own. Where she used to rule with an iron glare, where she could have her pick of any guy in the school. So why did she gave all that up for Xander Harris? 

"Hey, Cordy." Xander came up behind her, putting an arm around her shoulder as he broke her out of her thoughts. She forced a smile up at him. "So we still on for tonight?" 

"Tonight?" 

"Yeah, you, me, dark room filled with other groping teenagers otherwise known as a movie." 

"Oh...yeah...right..." 

"Ok, you seem a million miles away." 

"Sorry, just thinking." If he only knew what about, she thought to herself. 

"Uh oh, that's never a good thing." She cast him a death glare and shrugged off his arm. 

"Ok, sorry, whatcha thinking about." He said obviously feigning interest. 

"God, never mind." She huffed and walked off dismissing him with a wave of her hand. 

"But we're still on for tonight right?" He yelled after her. 
*** 

The day just seemed to drag on endlessly, everything the same as the days previous. Even demon research was getting, blah. All Cordelia wanted to do was slip into her bed and back into the arms of the man who made everything exciting and new. 

Now, in the cafeteria, at the usual Scooby table, she sat pushing around the slop that passed for food at Sunnydale High. She half listened to the Slayer's latest tale of heroic battle, which always somehow ended up turning into a big Angel gush. Cordelia tended to tune out those parts of the conversation. She didn't really care what kind of new hair gel he was using or how Buffy was trying to convince herself they were "just friends" when she obviously was still lusting over the guy hard. Cordelia wished the big will they or won't they question would be settled once and for all so they could all get on with there lives. The tragic love story of the slayer and vampire with a soul was worse than a soap opera. She just couldn't take it anymore. 

"You know guys, this conversation is riveting, really it is, but ya know I think I'm gonna go. I'm not feeling too well, I think this school is trying to poison me with it's so called food." At that Xander reached over and took a bite of the food on Cordelia's tray. 

"Tastes ok to me." 

"It would." She rolled her eyes at Xander and walked out of the Cafeteria. Xander stared as his girlfriend walked away than shrugged and took another bite of the food on the abandoned tray. 

"I still say it tastes fine" He said as he scooted the tray closer to him. 
*** 

Cordelia drove down the lonely streets of Sunnydale blasting the music on her radio. She needed to keep her mind off of things. Ever since her dreams started she hadn't felt the same about anything. The dreams were invading her mind during the day and wouldn't let her go. 

"Come on Cordy, they are just dreams, it's not like they mean anything. It's not like this guy really exists, at least not for you. Maybe they are just dreams of how you'd want Xander to be? Maybe that's why the guy seems so familiar? Ok I gotta stop thinking about this, obsessing is so not what I need right now, especially over some unattainable fantasy mystery guy. So why do I just wanna go home and go to sleep?" She let out a heavy sigh. She had  drove for hours and nothing had helped to distract her. It was starting to get dark; she glanced at the clock on the radio. 6:35. 

"Oh Shit, Xander, the movies." No sooner than that thought came to her, her cell phone rang. 

"Hello." 

"Cordelia?" 

"Xander, hey." 

"So, I was just wondering..." 

"If we are still on for the movies?" 

"Actually about the movie, i was wondering if maybe you wouldn't mind Bronzing it instead? I hear the movie is really overrated anyway." 

"Yeah, sure..." 

"And maybe we should meet there, say around 8ish." 

"Fine..." 

"Alright see ya then. Bye." He then take out 'then' hung up.

"Yeah, see ya then." She threw down her cell phone on the seat next to her. Hanging out at the Bronze meant that she'd be with the whole Scooby Gang. She had to wonder whether they would notice or care if she didn't show up at all. Sure she hung out with them a bit and even was research and stinky herbs girl, but did she actually matter to them?  She was beginning to realize how "invisable invisible Marci" felt. Cordelia was starting to lose her entire identity, she didn't even know who she was anymore. 

Popular? 

Barely, her only redeeming quality to the "in crowd" was that she was a cheerleader. Her old friends didn't even  acknowledge her since she started dating Xander. 

Xander's Girlfriend? 

Maybe, though he doesn't seem as interested in her as he used to be and she knew that if Buffy ever showed the slightest bit of interest he'd drop her in a 2 seconds flat, probably even quicker. The only thing worse than dating a loser reject, was getting dumped by a loser reject. 

A Scooby? 

Well, when they needed a car or she was bored, but invitations to Scooby meetings seemed forced. She knew the only reason they tolerated her now was because she was dating Xander. 

So who was she? 

"I'm Cordelia Chase and I'm...I'm ...alone. Why can't I have the fairy tale that I deserve?  A man that can sweep me off my feet and make me feel whole.  Yeah right, in my dreams...literally." She gave a wry chuckle at her reverie and drove herself home to change for The Bronze. 

*** 

Cordelia took a deep breath and put on her most confident smile  as she walked into The Bronze. She wanted all eyes on her, and her outfit, a short black miniskirt with a red tight top, showed it.    She strolled through the crowd with ease and loved the attention guys were giving her. 

"Hey who knows, maybe one of them is my dream guy." she thought to herself, just as she bumped into someone. She had to catch her breath as she saw the figure cloaked in darkness and shadows. She instantly flashed to the dream. She looked up to see who this guy was and had to take a step back. 

"Cordelia, are you ok, you look pale." 
No this couldn't be...this wasn't right. 

"Angel?" 

Part 2 

Cordelia backed up until she hit a chair and then slumped down into it. Angel kneeled in front of her  in obvious worry. 

"Cordelia? What is it?" 

Her mind was racing, this just couldn't be, her dream guy couldn't be Angel, he was Buffy's and besides that he was officially a "no bone" considering the whole going homicidal thing. She took a deep breath and kept repeating in her head, "it's not Angel, it's not Angel. I've just been thinking about this dream way too much and the first hunky shadowy figure I see of course I'd flash back, doesn't mean that's my dream man." That made her feel better whether she fully believed it or not. 

"I'm fine, just haven't been feeling well lately." 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He looked truly worried. 

Cordelia smiled up at him. 

"Yeah, of course." 

"Do you want some water or something?" 

"No, I'm fine, really." 

"You don't look fine, you just went really pale." 

Cordelia had to laugh at the Vampire, in desperate need of a suntan, saying she looked pale. 

"What's so funny?  " 

"Nothing." She regained her composure and stood up. "Angel thanks." 

"For what?" 

"Caring." She gave him a genuine smile, which he couldn't help but return comma "You know you should really do that more often, you know, smile." 

"I'll work on it. You look better, the color's returning." 

"See told you I was fine, just haven't been feeling well." 

"You said that already." 

"Yeah just making sure the point got across." 

"Well if you aren't feeling well, then shouldn't you be at home, getting some rest?" She stared hard at him, thinking of her dream. 

"Umm, no rest is the last thing I need, trust me." 

He looked confused by her statement. He didn't know much about medical things, but getting rest is one thing he was sure the human body needed when feeling ill. Wasn't it? 

"Why do you say..." 

"Angel, Cordelia hey!" The slayer came up behind the two putting a possessive hand on Angel's shoulder. Xander followed behind Buffy and wrapped his arm around Cordelia. 

"So what were you two crazy kids talking about?" Xander asked, he tried not to come off as being jealous, though he'd seen the way she was smiling at the vampire.

"Nothing, just waiting for you guys." 

"Ah, well I'm here now so the party can now begin." Xander gave Cordelia a quick kiss. 

"Care to dance?" 

"Yeah, why not." Xander lead her to the dance floor and Angel stared after her. 

"Angel...Angel..." Buffy waved her hand in front of his face trying to get his attention. 

"Hmm?" 

"What's going on with you, you look deep in thought, like more so than usual." 

"No, not really." 

"So what were you and Cordelia talking about?"  She couldn't help the bit of jealousy that creeped up insde of her.  He had never laughed with her that way.

"Nothing, like she said, we were just passing the time waiting for you two." 

"Sorry, you had to put up with her, if I had known you'd be stuck here alone with the spawn of Satan, I'd have shown up sooner." 

"Buffy, she's not really that bad." 

"You've obviously haven't had to hang around her for prolonged periods of time." 

"Buffy, that's enough ok." 

"Touchy, touchy. It's just Cordelia."  Buffy was starting to get confused by Angel's defensiveness when it came to Cordelia and the jealousy was becoming stronger than before.  

"Even so, she's still a person." 

"That's debatable." 

"Buffy..." He gave her a warning look.  He didn't like hearing negetive things being said about Cordelia.  There was something deeper to the brunette, a side of herself that few got to see and he was determined to get to know that side better.  

"Sorry, let's drop the subject." 

"Sounds good." He was glad that he didn't have to argue with Buffy anymore.  

"You wanna dance?" 

Angel raised an eyebrow he hated to dance. 

*** 

Cordelia sat back as she listened to the Slayer go on and on about some kind of fight she had had that evening. Everyone seemed so riveted to her heroic tale and not even Xander had acknowledged that she was even there for the past 20 minutes. She felt so alone. What was she thinking even being there in the first place, it always started out the same. First they would be nice or at least tolerant of her, Xander would show his affection in one way or another, then they would forget she was even in the room until she made some snarky or bitchy comment to which they would all roll there eyes at then go back to ignoring her again. This night was no exception. "Why do I even bother?" she thought to herself as she got up and slipped out of the Bronze, the Scooby gang was none the wiser. 

She exited the club through the back alley and took a deep breath as she entered the night. 

She was trying to hold back some tears that were threatening to escape. Why did she even put herself through that, especially when she knew it always ended the same? Did some form of delight in torturing herself? She wrapped her coat around her and started to walk when a hand came on her shoulder causing her to jump in fright. She was about to scream until she heard a familiar voice. 

"Cordelia, it's just me." 

"God, Angel, you really need to make more noise when you sneak up on a person." 

"But then it really wouldn't be sneaking up on someone now would it?" 

"Still...so what are you doing here anyway? 
Shouldn't you be inside drooling over the slayer?" 

"Not like they even notice I'm gone." 

"Join the club." 

"There's a club for outcasts from the outcasts?" 

"Apparently so, and I'm the president, you can be vice president if you like." 

"That's very generous of you." 

"I thought so." 

"Cordelia, why do you put up with him?" 

"Who, Xander?" 

"Yeah." 

"I don't know." 

"Do you love him?" 

"I'm not sure." 

"How do you not know if you love someone?" 

"Do you love Buffy?" 

"Well...that's...that's complicated." 

"Same with Xander and I." 

"So you went all evil and killed a bunch of people, terrorized your friends, tried to kill the person you are supposed to love until that person sent you to hell to stop an apocalypse that you yourself started?" 

"Ok we have a winner in the most complicated love category." 

"You still haven't really answered my question." 

"Why do I put up with Xander?"
 
"That would be the one." 

"He can be sweet and nice. Then there is the whole dorky cute thing he's got, and I don't know. If you had asked me a couple of months ago...it was so different then. We were happy, for the most part, now it's changed. He's distant and I'm not even sure he wants to be around me half the time and I know the rest of the Slayer's gang doesn't." 

"Then why stick around?" 

"Where else am I gonna go? I gave up pretty much my entire social standing at Sunnydale High for Xander and there is no going back now." There was a slight pause. "Angel?" 

"Hmm?" 

"You ever get the feeling that nobody cares? That you could discover the cure for fucking cancer and everyone would be like 'yeah but can you cure AIDS?' That's my life in a nutshell nothing is ever good enough. When do I get to find that one person that will listen to me and be proud of me when I do something good? When?" She looked up at him hoping he'd have an answer. 

He felt sorry for the girl beside him. A girl who just last year he had written off as nothing but a spoiled brat, but there was something deeper to her. 
"You know, if you ever need anything I'm around. If you need someone to lend an ear or..." 

"God I hope you mean figuratively." The grossed out expression caused Angel to laugh. 

"Of course I mean figuratively, you've been on the hellmouth way too long." 

"Yeah, tell me about it. I can't wait till I graduate." 

"Why's that?" 

"'Cause I'll be out of the hellmouth for good. I'm going to LA and become a famous actress. I know there is more for me then research and demon goo."

"You know what I think you're right, I'm sure you'll make a great actress." 

"Really?" 

"Uh huh." 

"You are the first person to really support me on my dream. Thank you." 

"How come you're not like this with the rest of them?" 

"Like what?" 

"Well, no offence, but you act like such a bitch sometimes towards them and maybe that might be why they don't want to be around you as much. Why can't you open up to them like you are doing with me?" 

"I don't know, I don't let my guard down to often, it tends to lead to my getting hurt. I don't like getting hurt. With you, it's different somehow. I feel I can talk to you and maybe even truly be myself around you. I wonder why that is?" 

"I'm glad that you can talk to me and I meant what I said, I'm around whenever you need me. You know where I live." 

"That I do and you know if you need to talk or whatever you can always drop by." 

"Is that an invitation?" 

"Yeah it is, as long as you have a soul you are welcome into my home." 

"Thank you. Speaking of which, we're here." 

"Home sweet home." She said sarcastically. 

"Doesn't even look like anyone's here." 

"Oh they aren't, just like Buffy, Xander and the rest of them, my parents don't like to be around me more than they have to be as well." 

"That's wrong." 

"I'm used to it, sometimes its better that way." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, I'm fine. So I guess I'll see you later?" 
"Definitely." They looked at each other for a long and intense moment before breaking the gaze. They laughed nervously. 

"Guess this is goodnight." 

"Goodnight Cordelia." Angel gave a quick wave and walked off into the night. 

Cordelia went in her house and up to her room to get ready for bed. She then crawled under her covers with a smile on her face and drifted off to sleep. 

*** 

Cordelia was bathed in a white light. She heard two footsteps and instantly turned around. 

"I was hoping you'd show." 

"Where else would I be." 

"I know who you are now, you don't have to hide." A hand reached for hers and traced circles on her palm. 

"You think you know do you?" 

"Of course, I'm very perceptive you know." 

He pulled her closer to him, kissing her neck, then her lips. Her mouth parted allowing him easy access into the warm depths of her mouth. He removed his mouth from hers causing her to gasp at the loss. He quickly moved to her ear. 

"You may not be as perceptive as you think" He whispered. 

*** 

Cordelia jolted up in her bed and hugged her knees close to her and laying her head atop of them. 

"It's not Angel?" She choked out as sobs started to rack her body. She stayed that way for a few hours just thinking about everything that had happened. Why had she let herself believe that Angel was the guy for her? Why did it hurt so much to think that he wasn't? It's not like they are even really close friends, though it does seem that she can talk to him easily and open up to him. Why did she let herself open up to him in the first place? All these questions ran through her mind. Then it dawned on her, she knew what she had to do. She got up off her bed and walked over to her vanity. She sat down and looked in the mirror, she cringed as she saw her red, puffy eyes. 

"That's it. I'm through letting my guard down, only to get hurt. Angel's Buffy's always has been and always will be. I've known that. So that means he is not now or ever will be mine. So from here on out, no more letting people get to close." She looked deep into the mirror a cold blank expression she had perfected years ago reflected back at her. "That's right, the bitch is back." 

Part 3 

Cordelia sped into the Sunnydale High student parking lot, screeching into a parking spot. She stepped out slipping on her sunglasses. Everyone stared at her as she walked through the halls and in seeing her confident stride and steely expression knew instantly that Queen C had returned to regain her throne, everyone except Xander Harris that is. 

He walked up to her and placed an arm around her, like he did every morning, only to have her give him a disgusted look and remove his arm as if it was the most revolting thing to ever touch her. 

"And what do you think you are doing?" 

"Showing affection to my girlfriend?" 

"Oh, see to show affection towards a girlfriend, you'd actually have to have one." 

"Cordelia, did you hit your head, you are my girlfriend." 

"Oh, really? Could've fooled me. See I realized something last night, after being ignored by you for the umpteenth time. Do you wanna know what that was?" She didn't wait for him to answer. "I realized that no one ignores Queen C, especially not loser freaks. And further more Cordelia Chase does not date loser freaks. Somehow I had forgotten these facts, call it a momentary lapse of good taste." 

Xander stood there utterly speechless, he opened his mouth to say something than quickly closed it. The boy was confused to say the least at his girlfriend's strange behavior. 

"I was slumming it for a bit, it was fun, really it was, but I'm done now." Xander again opened his mouth and held up a finger to signify he was going to speak, but no sound came out. "Now see, that would be you're cue to get lost." 

With that she left Xander still trying to regain his power of speech. 

"What the hell just happened here?" He finally managed to get out after she was long gone. 

*** 

Cordelia felt a pang of guilt at the way she had just treated Xander, but pushed it down. 
She couldn't allow emotions to break her. 

"And what do you think you are doing?" Harmony came right up to her blocking her path to her locker. 

"Umm trying to get my books for history? Harm, you really are a blonde." Harmony gazed at her former friend for a second then shook off the comment; she had to make her point before she forgot it. 

"I mean, if you think that just because you dumped Xander Harris means that we are gonna let you regain your old position, well it's not." 

"Oh darn, now could you please get out of my way?" 

"Did you hear what I said?" 

"Yeah, I heard, now move." She stared down at the smaller blonde and could swear she saw Harmony wince, which delighted her to no end. 

"Fine, just remember what I said." 

"It's duly noted." Cordelia rolled her eyes and Harmony finally walked away. "Well this is going better than I had thought." She smiled to herself as she opened her locker. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, the stranger in the glass reflected back at her. She didn't even recognize herself anymore, but this is the way it had to be. She just had to remind herself of this. She took a deep breath, got her book and went to her next class, her emotion free mask firmly in place. 

*** 

Cordelia Chase was once again the center of attention at the Bronze. Regaling her audience with stories and having all the guys in the place begging for her attention. She loved this, she had missed it more than she had realized. 

Everything was going according to plan, until Xander, Buffy, Willow and Oz showed up. 
She cast a guarded glance in their direction and quickly looked away when she noticed Xander looking directly at her. She decided it would be best to ignore them for a change and turned her focus back to the worshiping teenagers gathered around her. 

The crowd around her parted, as someone wanted to gain access to Queen C. She looked up to see who would warrant such a welcome. 

"Why, Hogan Martin, to what do I owe this pleasure?" 
"Want to dance?" She sized up the star basketball player. He was cute, highly respected, good build, he'd do. 

"Why not." The other guys around her groaned in protest. "Don't worry, I'll be back." That seemed to satisfy her admirers. Cordelia and Hogan started to dance out on the floor when the band changed tunes to a slow and sultry song. They started to dance accordingly. 

Xander looked at the dancing duo with total disgust. 
"Look at him and his perfect jock body pressed up against hers. What does he have that I don't?" 

"Well it looks like, money, social status, good dancing moves..." Buffy offered. 

"Hey, I can dance, you have yet to see my famous Snoopy Dance, tell her Will."

"He does do it pretty well." 

"Thank you. I just don't know what got into her. One minute we're close and the next minute she's getting her groove on with that human jock strap. Sure he's cute and smooth and has a way with the ladies and pours on the charm...who am I kidding, I'd date him." Buffy and Willow stared at him. "I meant if I was a girl." He gave a nervous chuckle. 

Back on the dance floor Cordelia was actually enjoying being in the arms of a guy that didn't step all over her toes, although got a little uncomfortable when his hand kept going lower and lower until it rested on her rear. She leaned up sexily until her lips were even with his ear. 

"Keep your hands a little less south of the border, or we wouldn't want anything to happen to Mr. basket and Mr. ball now would we?" She whispered, hoping he would get the reference. He obviously was smarter than he looked, because he gulped audibly and his hands quickly returned to her back. She cleared her throat and his hand moved higher to her shoulders and they continued dancing. A smile crept on her face and a look of pure terror was on his. 

*** 

Angel hid in the shadows and amidst the crowd, he saw Buffy and her friends, but didn't really want to deal with them today. He had come hoping to get to talk to Cordelia again. He got a glimpse of the real Cordelia and he liked what he saw and enjoyed the time he spent with her. He wanted to get to know her better and actually become friends with the girl. He hadn't had a real friend in along time. Sure Buffy and him said they were friends, but when it came down to it he wasn't sure if they could ever be "just friends," and if he was honest with himself he knew they couldn't be more than friends either. Things were too messed up with them, and he didn't know if they could ever get back what they once had. 
He watched Cordelia and the guy she was with and growled when he saw the boy's hands move lower than they should be. He had to chuckle when they moved as quickly as they were put there and saw the look of terror on the boys face. Oh he would give anything to know what Cordelia had said to him. 

The two had finished their dance and Cordelia walked back over to where her "fans" were waiting for her, Hogan trailed behind her. 

"You know, Cordelia, if you want we can leave this place and go somewhere a bit more quiet if you know what I mean." 

"You just won't give up will you? Just because you are a jock and I'm a cheerleader, doesn't mean I'm going to be at your beck and call. Doesn't work that way." 

"Oh, and how do you want it work?" 

"Let's say that you get lost and I go back to what I was doing. Really, the dance was fun and all." 

"Who are you kidding, you need me." 

"Oh, do I now? Enlighten me." She crossed her arms in front of her; she couldn't wait to hear his logic. 

"You are trying to regain your popularity, right?" 

"Look over there? See all those kids waiting for me? Just like they used to? Just like they always will? I'd say that I'm back, and I don't need anybody, okay? So run along now, don't you have a dumb freshman to seduce?" With that she walked away. The jock just shrugged and saw a cute blonde in the corner and went over to chat her up. 

*** 

The night had gone better than Cordelia had planned. Everything seemed back to the way it used to be, she was pleased with herself for being able to pull it off. She was so busy giving herself mental congratulations that she didn't notice the figure behind her until he grabbed her arm. She jumped, startled. 

"Geez, dead boy, I thought I told you to stop doing that." 

"Sorry, I really didn't mean to scare you." 

"Yeah whatever. Shouldn't you be with little miss likes to fight?" 

"I came looking for you." 

"Oh really, why?" 

"I thought maybe I could walk you home again. I enjoyed talking with you last night." 

"I don't need you to walk me home, I'm a big girl." 

"I didn't mean that you couldn't take care of yourself, just that there are monsters and stuff and..." 

"Yeah, why don't I let one of those monsters walk me home." She regretted the words as they left her mouth, but there was no going back, she was Queen C now and Queen C never regrets. 

"Ouch, that was low." 

"But true. You went all evil and tried to kill me once, who's to say it won't happen again." 

"I'm sorry, Cordelia..." 

"Sorry? Oh you're sorry now. Well that makes it all better, that brings back Ms. Calendar and everything. Oh wow you're sorry." 

"Cordelia, what has gotten into you? This isn't like you." 

"Oh, Angel, that is where you are wrong, this is exactly like me." Why wouldn't he just leave, for some reason it was harder to keep up the act around him. 

"No, it's not." He grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him she glared at him. "I saw the real you last night and this isn't her." 

"That wasn't me last night." 

"Obviously, the girl I saw last night was vulnerable and full of passion, life and dreams." 

"Yeah, not to mention weak, full of pain and allowed herself to get hurt. I'm through with that." 

"So you are gonna go around not feeling anything?" 

"It's better than the alternative." 

"No it's not. God you are such an idiot." 

"What did you call me?" 

"An idiot. When I was Angelus, I was free of emotions; much like you the only thing I could feel was pleasure. Pleasure from the kill, from the hunt, from everything. But you know what? I'd much rather be Angel and full of pain and guilt and just feelings than be devout of them." 

"The only thing is when you were free of the feelings, you kinda went evil and killed people. Not seeing the comparison." 

"Fine, whatever, I give up. I just really wanted to get to know you, guess I was wrong. You are not the girl I want to get to know." 

"Yeah well she's long gone." 

"You know where I am when she returns." 

"Don't hold your breath." 

"Don't worry, no breath to hold." They went their separate ways and Cordelia walked to her house alone. When she was safe in her room she removed her makeup and changed into her usual nightclothes, boxers and t-shirt. She looked at herself for a good long time in the mirror and then started to cry. All the emotions she had pushed down during the day came out in the privacy of her own room. 

*** 
Angel sat perched outside her balcony watching the girl cry, he felt bad for her. He knew the REAL Cordelia was in there somewhere and hated that the first time he saw it that night was of her crying. He wanted to go in and hold her, tell her it was ok, and give her someone she didn't have to pretend around. But he just watched, frozen in his spot outside her window. 

Cordelia turned around to go to bed when she spotted someone outside her window. She gasped when she recognized the figure. And had to wonder how long he was standing there. He saw that she saw him, but remained in place.

Chapter 4

A long intense moment passed as Cordelia and Angel just stared at each other, their glance never waivering.

Slowly she walked over to the door that led to the balcony.  She folded her arms around her rubbing her shoulders trying to warm herself in the chilly night air.

"What are you doing here?" She hardened her gaze trying her best to slip into Queen C mode.

"You're cold."  He stated noticing her movements, which abrubtly stopped in pure defiance, as she dropped her arms to her side.

"I'm fine"

"You keep saying that, but for some reason I'm not believing you."

"You never answered my question.  What are you doing here?"  She intentionally ignored his comment.

"I came over to see how you were doing."

"I'm..."

"Fine, yeah."

"Right."  There was an awkward pause as they both shifted their gaze away from the other and then back again a few moments later.  Cordelia shifted nervously from one foot to the next.

"Cordelia, you are anything but fine."  He finally spoke up.  

"What gives you the right to tell me how I feel."  A fire flashed in her eyes.

"I thought we were friends."

"Oh, one night of talking makes you an expert on me?  I think not.  You don't know the first thing about me."

"Maybe not, but I know enough to know that this is not you."

"It is me! How many times do I have to tell you? 
The girl you thought you saw last night doesn't exist!  This is the real me."

"No."

"Stop arguing with me!  I think I know me a bit better than you do, considering i've had 17 years with myself where as you've only started paying attention to me yesterday.  It's not like we've started this big forever bond.  It's not like you even care!   You are just like everyone else."

"No I'm not."  He stated firmly.

"Yes you are or you will be.  Everyone always brushes me aside and you will be no different.  So why not cut to the chase and you can walk away now."

"I'm not going to leave you, Cordelia.  I wouldn't do that to you."

"God, what do I need to do to get rid of you?"  He was being way too sweet, this wasn't supposed to happen.  He was supposed to leave and now she didn't know what to do.

He leaned back on the railing and cocked his head to the side.

"You want me to go?"

"Uh...yeah.  Isn't that what I've been saying?"  If he left now she'd be free and wouldn't have to worry about breaking down in front of anyone. 

Angel nodded reflectively then bent down inches away from her face, looking directly into her eyes as if trying to find something.  She felt a little uneasy at being so closely scrutinized.

"I don't believe you."  

"I don't care what you believe.  I'm going back inside."  She couldn't take this anymore, she felt her defenses falter even further.  She knew she had to get out of there or else all the walls she built would crumble.  She slid the glass door open only to have a hand come from behind her and shut it again.  She turned around sharply and their eyes locked.  She was trapped and a bit frightened under his hard gaze.  Needless to say, he had her attention now.  

"Cordelia, you don't have to pretend with me, ok?"  his voice was soft and comforting, allowing her to relax a bit.  "I can see right through you.  You aren't this person anymore.  You can't go back to the way you used to be; you've changed.  And if you want to know my opinion, it's for the better."  Her eyes began to soften a bit before the moisture started to show behind them.  She bit her lip trying to stop the tears that were at this point inevitable.  

"Oh, Angel"  He pulled the sobbing girl towards her.  She felt so protected and eased into the embrace instantly.  No one had ever shown so much concern for her and it touched her.  

He just held her, letting her cry on him for as long as she needed.  He stroked her hair and whispered words of comfort to her letting her know that it was okay and that he was there for her.  He was relieved that she finally broke and that the girl he saw the other night wasn't gone for good.  After a good five minutes she stepped out of his embrace and wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry.  God, I must look like shit huh?"  She bit her bottom lip shyly.  

He reached out to cup her cheek.  "You look beautiful.  You're Cordelia Chase right?  How could you look anything less than perfect?"  She chuckled lightly at his comment and then looked up at him flashing her famous 1000 watt smile.  He couldn't help but return the smile.

"Thank you Angel.  Thank you for not giving up on me.  You being here means a lot to me."

"Hey, I told you before I'll always be here for you.  If you ever need to talk or someone to lean on.  You don't have to revert to being a bitch, it's not you anymore."

"I'm not so sure.  I get respect when I'm a bitch.  People notice me."

"Yeah, but you shut yourself off and that's not a good thing to do, Cordelia.  Don't you know how damaging that can be?  Why do you want to be void of all feelings?"

"Like I said before, it's better than the alternitive.  I have less of a chance at being hurt."

"No, you have less chance of someone being there for you when you do get hurt.  You are hurting right now, but instead of letting your friends be there for you, you cry in your room alone."

"What friends, Angel?  What friends?"  A few tears started to fall again.

"You got me, I'm your friend." He wiped her eyes with the pads of his thumb.

"Yeah, you're the only one.  No one else cares.  Not my parents, not Buffy and her gang, not even my fucking boyfriend, ex-boyfriend.  He was so confused when I broke up with him."

"You broke up with Xander?  Way to go, you were way to good for him."

"Be that as it may, I still hurt and cunfused him.  I feel guilty."

"Don't.  He probably had what you gave him and more coming to him for a long time.  He wasn't right for you?"

"Yeah like I'm really gonna take love advice from a vamp who tried to kill his last girlfriend."  Angel winced at her comment and her smile faded.  "That was meant as a joke, I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's not like it's not true."

"That doesn't mean that I have the right to throw it back in your face like that, even for a lame attempt at humor."

"Hey, it's ok."  

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"Why?  I don't know.  There is just something about you, Cordelia Chase, something that makes me want to get to know you better.  What are you fishing for compliments now?"

"No, I'm my own biggest ego booster.  Though, it doesn't hurt to have a cute guy give it a boost every now and then."

"You think I'm cute?"  He gave her a small smirk at which she rolled her eyes at.  

"Ok, yeah you are a hottie, but then again you already knew that I thought that.  It wasn't too long ago that I flirted shamelessly with you.  Until I figured out that you and Buffy had the big forever love and I'd never stand a chance.  That and the vampire thing was a bit of a turnoff."

"So you moved on to Xander, cause he's so much better for you."

"Well, you know how that turned out.  Why is it that every guy that I like has to have a Buffy complex?  What does she have that I don't, besides the slayer strength and all that?"

"I don't know."  He stared down at his feet starting to feel a bit uncomfortable at they way the conversation had turned.  

"Angel?" He looked up at the sound of his name.

"Hmm?"

"If Buffy wasn't a factor would you have maybe given me a chance?  Ya know back then?"  

"If you were the Cordelia that you are right at this moment, I most likely would've.  I like the girl that I see in front of me.  The vulnerable, witty, nice, beautiful girl that I'm proud to call my friend."

"You are too sweet ya know.  Better watch it or you'll inflate my ego even more."

"Wouldn't want to do that.  So what about me?  Don't vampires with a soul get ego boosts?"

"I already said that you were cute."

"That's all I get?"  

"Stick around and you might get more, emphisis on the might"  He smiled wildly at her.  "Besides, I thought the slayer's constant gushing would be enough to inflate anyones ego."  His smile faded at the mention of Buffy.  

"Things with Buffy are complicated to say the least."

"You know this friend thing goes both ways, ya know if you wanna talk."

"Promise not to tell her or anyone?"

"Who am I gonna tell, you are the only friend i've got."

"Alright.  Ever since I came back from hell things have been beyond strange between us.  When we kiss it's like that spark and fire that used to light up my soul is just gone.  Being with her feels so empty.  It's like we are two different people and she's not the same girl I fell in love with.  I'm trying to do the 'just friends' thing, but we were never friends to begin with so that makes it almost impossible.  All I know is that I don't want to hurt her."

"So you are going to make yourself unhappy just so you don't have to hurt her?  That's wrong."

"Well in case you've forgotten me being unhappy is a good thing."

"No, you can be happy, just not perfectly so.  You deserve some form of happiness.  Buffy, yeah she'll be hurt, but she'll get over it.  Don't pretend something you don't feel."

"Maybe you should take your own advice."

"No, you are not gonna do that thing."

"What thing?"

"The thing where you take my advice for your totally unrelated problem and turn it around to fit my life, when it doesn't."

"Doesn't it?"

"Please drop it.  I won't revert to Queen C mode when I'm alone with you and that's all I can promise right now."

"Ok I'll drop it for now."

"Thanks."

"Well it's getting late, I should probably go so you can get some sleep."

"Be careful, ok?"

"I will."

"I just got a real friend and I don't want to lose that.  I don't want to lose you."  She wrapped her arms around his neck and he returned the embrace.  He rested his head on the crook of her neck.  Being in her arms with her scent surrounding felt so natural and just right like nothing had since he'd returned.  Neither wanted to let go of the embrace as they just lost themselves to the comfort that the others ebrace promised.  So oblivious were they to everything around them that they didn't notice a figure below the balcony with a crossbow aimed at Angel's heart.  

Chapter 5

A pair of eyes squinted making sure the target was lined up just right.  Fingers were on the trigger adding pressure allowing the arrow to release from his once secure hold and now flying through the air aimed straight for the heart.  A smile came across the lips of the crossbows owner.

************

Angel looked up at Cordelia and ran his hands gently through her think chesnut locks.  Everything seemed perfect in that moment.  She closed her eyes enjoying the feel of him so close to him.  She wanted to freeze this moment.

"Cordelia..." He began, not sure of what he wanted to say until his senses picked up something coming from behind him.  

"Hmm?"  She looked in to his eyes

"DUCK!"  

"Duck?  What the..."  She began before he tackled her to the ground just in time to see the arrow flying through the air with a low hum.  "Oh, that duck."  She watched as the arrow imbeded in the screen of the door, just narrowly missing the glass behind it.  

"Are you ok?"  

"Yeah are you?"

"Yeah, I didn't hurt you did I?"

"No, I'm fine and this time I really mean it."  He had to smile.  There was a small pause and her expression grew more serious.  "Who would want to hurt you?"

Angel thought for a moment and then just shrugged.

"I don't know, I mean the last person to really try to kill me, vampires and demons I fight non withstanding, was..." then realization set in.  "You know what I'll be back in a bit."

"Wait, you can't just leave that sentence unfinished buster.  I'm not one that enjoys being kept in suspense."

"Cordelia, just wait here, I won't be too long."

"Alright, but at least promise you'll be careful."

"I promise."

"And that the second you get back you'll tell me EVERYTHING!"

"Fine, I won't be long.  Go back in side and lock the doors.  Don't answer to anyone, but me.  Got it?"

Normally she'd argue at being told what to do, but he was acting very strange so she nodded in agreement.  He kissed the top of her forehead and left in pursuit of his attacker.  He had a good idea of who it probably was.  

**********
The crossbow hung loosely at her side as her pace quickened.  She missed and she was none too happy about that fact.  She concentrated on her feet as she walked through the alley.  A shadow crept infront of her causing her to stop.

"Faith."  Angel stood in front of the slayer with his arms smuggly across his chest.

"Angel."  

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Walking down the street minding my own buisness."

"Yeah and trying to kill me."

"Hey do I need to spell it out for you?  You vampire, me slayer."

"How many times do you have to be reminded?  I'm one of the good guys."

"Yeah, unless you get a big happy."

"Not gonna happen."

"Oh yeah?  You were looking pretty cozy with the cheerleader.  What's up with that?"

"Leave Cordelia out of this,"  He said through gritted teeth.

"Touchy touchy.  Does B know what you're doing after hours or should I say who you're doing?"

"Faith, I'm warning you."

"Oh yaeh?  What are you gonna do big guy?  Kill me?"  She was daring him and he knew it.  "That wouldn't fit in with you're white hat do gooder refromed vamp image now would it?"

He shook his head and began to walk away.  She wasn't defeated and jogged up next to him matching his stride.  "What?  You afraid you can't take me?"  I'll go easy on ya."

"Not in the mood for a fight right now, Faith."  He quickened his step.

"So what's the hurry?  I was expecting some big confrontation.  You aren't gonna leave me unsatisfied now are ya?  He didn't answer and she was getting annoyed.  "What ya got some place better to be?"  He stopped and turned around to face her.

"As much fun as I'm having bickering with you, I have to go check on Cordelia and then get home before dawn."

"Yeah, guess the cheerleader wouldn't want to fuck a crispy critter huh?"  Angel slammed her up against a wll of a near by building with his arm at her throat holding her in place.  She smiled finally getting a reaction from him.  "Always knew you liked it rough."

"Faith, don't you dare talk about Cordelia like that ever again.  You don't even know her."  He let her go and backed away.

"What's to know?  She's a stuck spoiled rich kid snob.  I've met dozens of girls like her, heck I fucked a few."

"She's more than that.  You just have to get to know her."

"So this chick is really getting to you.  Does B know?"  she seemed genuinely interested and sincere so he decided to be straight with her.

"No, she doesn't know, but there is nothing to know."

"Ah, the little princess won't give it up eh?"

"Cordelia and I are just friends."

"Right, keep telling yourself that."

"Goodnight, Faith."  He turned his back to her and waved over his shoulder.  She watched him until he was out of sight.  She then started walking in the same direction he was going.

**************

Cordelia layed on her bed just staring at the ceiling tiles.  

"523, 524, 525..."  A knock came at the balcony door and she breathed  sigh of relief as she hopped off her bed.  "Thank god."  She said as she ran to the door.

"Hey."

"I was worried about you."

"You were?"  He was elated and he didn't quite know why.

"Yeah and you coming back all alive saved me from ultimate boredom.  I couldn't sleep and did you know my ceiling has exactly 657 tiles, not counting the ones covered by Keanu.  I was in the middle of counting them for the third time when you showed up."  He just smiled at her ramblings.  "So..."

"So what?"

"So what happened?  Who was it?  Spill already!"

"Faith."

"Faith?  She tried to kill you?  I thought all that was resolved when psycho watcher was obliterated?"

"Well apperently it hasn't sunken in that I'm not out to hurt the innocent.  Well not anymore anyway."

"It's just what if she...she could've...Angel you could've..."  She couldn't finish unable to believe that she could loose Angel so soon.  She looked sadly up at him and he pulled her into a comforting embrace.

"Hey, she missed okay."

"But there could be a next time and I don't want to think of what could happen should she try again."

"She won't."

"What makes you so confident?"

"I don't think she actually intended to kill me tonight."

"Yeah, 'cause she was so aiming for my screen door."

"She's lonely, Cordelia.  She probably just wanted some attention."

"So she aims a crossbow at your heart?  Couldn't she just, I don't know, come by and say hi like normal people?"

"Faith is anything but normal."

"Tell me about it."  She sat down on her bed and Angel shifted nervously not sure what he should do.  She took his hand and led him to sit down next to her.  "I'm glad you're okay."  She ran her fingers over his knuckles and he took in an unneeded breath.  This was happening too fast, they were friends, just friends.  He had to keep reminding himself of this.  When her hand settled on his knee he shot up.

"I-I think I should go."

"Oh."  She looked down suddenly feeling very small.

"It's just that it's almost sunrise and well ya know..."

"Yeah of course, I totally understand."

"I'll see you tomorrow."  He reassured her with a small smile.

"Yeah, tomorrow."  Her focus stayed at her feet and he bent down and lifted her face to meet his.

"I'll see you tomorrow."  He repeated firmly making sure she knew he wasn't abandoning her.  She nodded her head and tried to make herself believe him.  She had been let down so much in her young life that she wasn't sure if he was sincere or not.  

"Goodnight Angel."

"Goodnight.  Lock your door after I leave."

"I will."  He kissed her forehead and left her sitting on her bed.  She traced the spot where his lips had just been and smiled.  She went into her bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror.  She smiled no longer seeing a stranger's cold eyes staring back at her.  She tried to slip back into that facade, but for some reason the smile wouldn't leave her features.  She walked out of the bathroom and let out a shriek of surprise when she noticed someone occupying her bed.

"Wicked sweet crib ya got here C."  Faith greeted her and hopped off the bed.

"How...how did you get in here?"

"You should really learn to lock your door, you never know what kind of nasties could get in here."  She cursed herself for not doing as Angel had instructed right away.

"What do you want Faith?"  She crossed her hands over her chest and stared down at the slayer.

"I wanted to talk with you."

"Well excuse me if i'm not in the mood for a gabfest with the psycho chick that tried to kill my one and only friend."

"I come in peace here C."  She held up two finger as a peace sign. "I just wanted to appoligize.  I can understand it if you don't want to accept it, I just wanted to say it."  She turned to leave.

"Then why did you do it?"

She shrugged.  "Thought he might be hurting you at first.  His face was right near your neck and he's a vamp what am I supposed to think?"

"Well, you were wrong, BIG time.  Angel would never hurt me."

"I get that.  The vamp cares a lot about ya."

"Really?"  She smiled at those words.

"And I take it the feeling is mutual?"

"He's a great friend and the first person to ever be really concerned for me.  It's nice."

"Sounds nice."

"Faith, are you really lonely?"

"What?  Who said that?"

"A theory Angel had."

"Me, lonely?  Whatever.  I got me and that's all I need.  Trusting people only leads to gettin' yourself hurt and I don't need that."  Cordelia shook her head and realized that her and Faith actually had something in common.

"Yeah I get that.  Heck I feel the same way, but having someone on your side is a great feeling."

"Whatever."  

"Faith, I  what you are feeling, I swear I do."

"Yeah little miss rich princess popular cheerleader knows what it's like to be alone."

"Don't you know that you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely?  I know what it's like to be brushed aside and left behind."

"Oh and since you know so much about me and my life who has brushed me aside and left me behind?"

"I'd wager to say everyone you've ever met."

"Well...just...you know what I don't have to stay here and listen to you try to analyze my life.  I came here to appolize for trying to dust your friend and I did."

"Faith, you and I are a lot alike, and boy did I think that would be the last sentence I'd ever say."

"I'm outta here."

"You came here for more then just to appoligize."

"And what if I did?  What if I came to finish you off as a message to Angel?"

"No, you would've done it already."

"Well...I..."  She looked at Cordelia, shook her head and ran out the door and straight to the graveyard.  She needed to stake something and fast.  She needed to prove to herself that she was stong and had a purpose.  She needed to get rid of the memory of soft hazel eyes looking at her with such compassion.  Faith was a loner and always would be, she didn't need anyone.  Then why was the prospect of getting to know Cordelia a little better seem not so bad?

**********

Cordelia flopped down on her bed and closed her eyes.  It was late and she needed to get to sleep.  Thoughts of Angel filled her mind as she was starting to realize the cush she had on him last year still had not waivered.  She couldn't help, but think maybe this time everything would work out.  Then her mind drifted to Faith.  How she got a glimpse of the vulnarable little girl she was.  Faith wasn't so bad, when she wasn't trying to kill a certain vampire with a soul.  She wondered if this is what Angel felt when he knew he wanted to get to know better. "Maybe I should return the favor.  Show Faith the same kindness and friendship Angel showed me.  No one deserves to be alone.