Title: Still I Pretend
Special Note: Companion Peice to "Still She Sleeps"
Author: Kristen
Spoilers: Not really...Some season 3 stuff
Distribution: Want it take it, just tell me first
Disclaimer: Don't own, sadly, but I have fun using the characters from time to time...But Angel and Cordy belong to Joss and gang...
Feedback: YES PLEASE!!! I live and breathe the stuff and definatly would help cheer me up after a hard day at work and/or school
Authors Note: Like I said it's a companion to "Still She Sleeps" Some people were asking for Cordy's POV and I'm not one to dissapoint...you don't have to read the first part, but it might make a bit more sense...but it's not a necissity...hope you like it... ****************************************************

Still I Pretend

I close my eyes quickly as I hear movement outside his room. His room, his bed, this fact has not escaped me and is probably the main reason for my insomnia, well duh of course it is. How can I hide what I feel from the only man I've ever really felt this way about? Sure I was in love with Xander, or at least I thought I was, but it was nowhere near as intense as what I feel for Angel. Every fiber of my being tells me we'd be perfect for each other. I know him, even better than I let on, and I allow him to know me, the real me, teh me I've kept burried behind the "Queen C" facade. Why I chose to let my guard down with him I don't know, but doing so was the bst thing I've ever done. It's such a relief to just be myself and not worry about if I look stupid or silly. I'm completely at ease around him, or at least I was. That's when the feelings started and now although I'm comfortable around him I'm also scared to death. That makes no sense I know, but I can't help the way I feel. I wonder if he knows how much his presence in my life has meant to me? I hear the soft creek the door signalling that someone is in the room. I know it's him, even with my eyes closed. I know it sounds silly or cliche, but I can sense him. After a few moments his hand is holding mine gently rubbing his strong fingers over my knuckles tehn his lips kiss my hand. I have to struggle to keep my breath even so he won't know that I'm awake, also I'm curious to see what else he'll do while I'm asleep.

I can't stop thinking about my visions, I know they are getting worse. I'm scared and alone, well not completely alone, the vampire holding my hand makes sure of that and I'm extremely grateful. But, still, I can't tell him what's going on. I'm pretty sure he suspects, but I couldn't bare to see the pain in his eyes if I ever had to confirm those suspitians. Also, I'm a little scared he'll leave me. No more, strong arms rocking me back and forth after a mind splitting vision, no more worried eyes looking deep into mine as I come to, no more light caresses in the dark while he thinks I'm sleeping. How can I go on with out that? I know he says he'll never leave me, but since when has a guy ever kept his promise to me. I chose to concentrate of the fact that I promised him that I'd stay with him till he Shanshus, but now I'm so scared that I'll have to break my promsie to him. Cordelia Chase always keeps her promises. Well, I guess I'll just have to live for him, for use. Oh man, his lips are kissing the inside of my palm now and my heart skips a beat. God, I hope he doesn't notice. I regain my composure.

I wonder what he's thinking about and why he feels the need to keep these actions hidden in the light of day? I would give anything if he would just come up to me tomorrow while I'm filling out invoices or something and look into my eyes then ake my hand in his and bring it to his lips. Hot shivers go through me at this thought. What I wouldn't give for him to just show me how he feels, because even now I'm confuse. Sure there is this gentle hand holding/kissing, but taht still could be just a friendly action right? Why the hell am I so confused around him? I mean it's Angel, he doesn't have a complex bone in his body. I know him, just a look and I can tell what he's thinking then why can't I now? I know when he's sad, depressed, happy, scared, angry, in the need of some serious brood time, etc... He has these little things he does that clue me in. Why won't he give me a clue now? I feel him move and he lets go of my hand and I feel suddenly cold without his touch. Then warm again as his ands come on either side of me and his lips kiss one eyelid then the other. Strange how his cold body and lips seem to warm me up. I have to control my eyes to only flutter and not pop open. I want nothing more than to grab his neck and pull him down on top of me

He gently strokes my cheek and I feel so at peach, more so then I ever have in my life. I always feel safe and comforted around him, but nothing is as calming and relaxing as his hands carressing my cheek. It's starting to acually lull me to sleep, a sleep I never thought would come tonight, but now I don't want to sleep. I have to fight the darkness so I can bask in him. He's close nowa nd I can smell him, musky, strong, Angel. His lips are on my forehead now, it's so soft and almost reverent. I feel blessed to recieve such a loving gesture. I wish I could let hiknow that I'm awake, but then he might be embarressed, and not do this again. I need him.

One day, when he Shanshu's we'll be able to really let loose and maybe allow our true feelings to show. Now it's easier to not let on what we feel, or at least for me. It's easier because then i don't have to think about what would happen. the curse as such a big obsicle and I hate it, well I guess I'd hate it more if he didn't have it and went seriously Angelus on our ass's. I just wish there was away around it, there has to be right, a loophole? Willow cursed him once, couldn't it be possible to keep cursing him? Well, relationships are complicated enough without adding Angelus into the mix. A cold shiver threatens to run through me at the thought of Angel's evil side, that is one thing I never hope I have to see again. Nothing scares me more than Angelus, but I know he's not Angel. Angel is always amazed at how easily I can seperate the two so easily, I don't think Buffy ever really could. I'm training now to be able to fight Angelus. It would be hard to kill him because I know I'd also be killing my best friend and man I love, but I'd do what I'd have to. I never said I'd be comfortalbe with it. I feel him close again and he leans over me and kisses my cheek. He lets his lips linger and inhales. Is he smelling me? It's a little strange, but kinda sweet. I wonder what I smell like to him. Oh no, what if there is a difference in smeel between awake people and sleeping people. Cordy get a grip, that's a very unlikely scenario, plus he would've said or done something by now. Just in case I further my concentration to a sleep like presence. I want to wake up now and hold him in my arms and tell hi'll be with him forever, even if it's a lie.

His hands are in my hair now, so soothing and he leans down and kisses my hair and breathes in deeply again. Ok, yup, he's smelling me! Again he has a way of comforting me and totally creeping me out. Ok smelling me? Why? I can't smell good. Before the vision hit we had been training, so I must be all sweaty, then why is he smelling me like I'm some kinda sweet smelling flower or something? If you had asked me back in high school if I ever pictured myself as anything but beautiful and confident, I would've laughed and walked way, my superiority firmly in tact and oozing off every part of my body. Now, I've gotten a bit self conscious. How and when did that happen? When did I doubt my beauty? Well not doubt per se, but am I beautiful enough? Beautiful enough for a certain vampire to forget every blonde bimbo he's ever come in contact with and maybe look at the brunette in front of him? I can't help but wonder this. Doubts, I hate them with a fiery passion. They cause nothing but broodiness which I've been doing lately and it's all his fault. Him and his damn sweet unbeating heart. Then the unexpected happens, what I wish he would do when I was awake, a slight kiss on my lips. My emotions are running ramped and I want to grab the back of his nets and draw him in deeper. I want to kiss him back, but of course I can't.

As soon as it comes it ends and I feel a smile creep on my face, thrilled that he just did that and amuzed that he thought I was asleep while he did it. If he only knew. I let my smile drop quickly reember that he DOES think I'm asleep. Why am I pretending again? Oh yeah, the fact aht nothing could ever come out of "us" and the fact that he probably doesn't even feel as strongly as I do. I mean it was a kiss while I was sleeping, it's not that big a deal. He's running his hands up and down my back, the motions are so soothing and I feel sleep beckoning me once more. I'm on the verge of sleep/dreaming and I hear something. I'm not sure if was wishful thinking, the beginning of a dream or reality. I swear it was real, his voice a soft carress on my ear, "I love you." I let my words sink in as my heart races. The door creaks again and I shoot up in the bed It's so cold and empty now with out him there. I pull the blankets tighter around me to stop the chill. "I love you too, Angel" I say out loud then curl up on the bed. One day I'll tell him how I feel, but for now.