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A few days had passed since her phone call to Fred and he was beginning to give up any hope of hearing from her again. Time passed slowly as days and weeks blended together and with each passing moment the more his dispare would grow. The only thing that let him go on was the small sliver of hope that she would come back to him. He would hold on to it until the time came when he would completely give up and allow Angelus to emerge or find the courage to stake himself. But until then he just waited, listened and brooded. Everything around him seemed so insignifagant without her. When she was with him she made everything brighter somehow and now he looked around the room to see just darkness. He wanted his light back.

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Fred sat at the computer trying to upload some new stuff to the website when Connor started his bawling all over again.

"Well it was good why it lasted." she sighed. She got up and went over to the screaming baby and picked him up. "Come on Connor, you want to stop crying I know it. Please for Auntie Fred. Connor..." She put the baby up to her shouldar and rubbed his back soothingly, but nothing would work.

"Can I try?" Fred looked up at the fimiliar voice.

"You're here, that's great."

"Just for a short visit, I had to see my Connor."

"Please, take him, maybe you'll have better luck with him." Fred handed the wailing child over to Cordelia who took him with open arms. The second Connor was in her arms he stopped crying and made happy gurgling noises.

"Hey there little guy, did you miss me." Connor smiled and gurgled in response. "I missed you, yes I did." She kissed his forehead. "Fred, um..."

"He's upstairs, he hasn't come down since you left."

"Ok then." She sat down on the couch cradling the baby closer to her chest.

"You wanna know what I think."

"If you say what I think you are going to say, then save it, I don't wanna know."

"Well you should, I hate to see both of you in so much pain."

"Fred, ok so I said I still care a little about him, but that doesn't change what he did."

"I'm not condoning what he did, I think he was in the wrong..."

"Totally."

"But he's blaming himself enough for all of us don't you think he's suffered enough?"

"Fred?! I can't, he...I...I just can't."

"It won't go away until you at least talk to him, what's the harm in talking."

"Hello, see neck and two holes, blood loss galore. He almost killed me Fred, how can I forgive and forget."

"Fine, don't talk it out and you both can be misarable until one of you really goes off the deep end."

"Fred?"

"I'm done trying to help clean up ya'lls messes, I have a life too ya know? And all I've been doing is taking care of Angel and Connor and I'm tired, how did you do it?"

"It was natural, I didn't think about it. Besides, I loved taking care of Connor and helping Angel, but I can't go back to that, everythings changed."

"Things change, but that doesn't mean they can't change again. At least try, don't you miss how things used to be?"

"More than anything."

"Then go to him, and work this out." Cordelia looked down at Connor and smiled, she really did miss seeing that sweet baby face every day, he really did look a lot like his father. Maybe that's why she loved him so much. Cordelia looked up tears in her eyes at Fred.

"I'm scared." she choked out.

"I know, but even hero's get scared, they just have to face their fears." Cordelia nodded. "Besides, I'm right here, if you need back up just yell and I'll be there with a hurling axe and a cross." Cordelia laughed through her tears at that image.

"You are a great friend you know that." Fred looked down shyly. "Take Connor."

"Sure." Cordelia kissed his forehead one more time before handing the child to Fred and headed up the stairs. As soon as Connor felt Cordelia's presence gone he went back to his earlier fit. Fred let out an exasperated sigh.

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Angel sat on the bed, he smelled her so vividly and could even hear her voice. It was so real, but impossable, she wouldn't set foot back here, not with him so close. He wiped at his eyes, a fresh set of tears forming. A knock came at his door, he wished Fred would leave him alone. The knock came again louder and more insistant. There was something off, that wasn't Fred's scent.

"Angel, please open up, I think we need to talk." It was her, he could of sworn he felt his unbeating heart leap. He rushed to the door and swung it open. He blinked as he saw her and stared at her in awe, if it was possible she had grown even more beautiful over there time apart. He tried not to get his hopes up, but seeing her there and wanting to talk was a good sign, he hoped. He stood aside and allowed her to enter the room. He cringed when he got a glimpse of the bandage on her neck and then again when he saw the pain and fear reflected in her eyes as she turned to face him again.

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"Cordy?" His voice was hoarse from lack of use.

"Angel." She stated matter of factly.

"I'm surprised your here."

"Trust me not nearly as surprised as I am."

"But..."

"It was Fred's idea, she suggested I come up here and I think she might be right. I need this. I just don't want to feel like this anymore."

"Like what?"

"Lost, scared to death, like I lost my best friend."

"You didn't lose me."

"Yes, yes I did, a part of you anyway. A part that I'm not sure if I ever can get back, I'm not even sure if I want it back."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't, don't say you're sorry, it won't fix anything."

"What do you want from me? Tell me and I'll do it, I just hate not having you in my life."

"Well, you should've thought about that before."

"I know and I wish I could take it back, you know I would if I could."

"Yeah, but you can't. It happened and you can't change that. Do you even know how much you hurt me." He looked at her neck and then turned away. "I don't mean physically, although that did hurt, you took away from me the most precious thing in my life, my best friend and my trust in him."

"You can trust me."

"No I can't! Don't you get that?"

"It won't happen again."

"How can you be sure?"

"'Cause I won't let it."

"Like you were so good at controling it before? God, I wish you had turned into Angelus at least than you'd have an excuse at least then it would be justifiable."

"And why is that? Why can you excuse Angelus and not me?"

"Because you two aren't the same at least that's what I thought."

"Well you thought wrong."

"What?"

"Angelus is inside me all the time, he is me, you just always chose to ignore that."

"So you're blaming me?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all, I'm just saying you don't understand. You think you do, but you don't."

"Then make me understand, that's what I want, to understand."

"You don't know how the hunger is, how it pounds inside you and doesn't let you rest. You think pig's blood quenches that hunger? Not even close. I crave it somedays are worse than others, but I can usuallly control those urges."

"That's because you have a soul and that's the reason it makes it all the more harder to forgive, Angelus is souless."

"Just because I have a soul doesn't stop me from killing, it just makes me feel guilty afterwords. I'm a vampire, Cordelia, my first instinct has always been to kill and drain life, I just choose not to act on it. I guess it's only so long until those desires and that instinct builds to the breaking point."

"So what are you telling me?"

"I can control it, at least until it starts to control me."

"I don't understand."

"You can't, it's something I have to deal with. Another one of the perks of the pesky little curse. I have to live with the consequences of my actions."

"Why me, why did you bite me?"

"I wish I could tell you." He looked apologetic as if he was hiding something that he knew something she didn't.

"Tell me, I can handle it."

"I'm not sure you can."

"Try me. If there is a chance of us regaining our friendship than we have to be honest and figure out what happend that night. I have to know."

"Fine, you asked for it. There is something else besides my vampire tendencies that I've been pushing down. I've kept my true feelings buried deep inside along with the instict to kill and I think somehow they meshed."

"What kinda feelings?"

"Somewhere in our turbulent relationship, I fell in love with you. I knew that it never could happen, so I just kept those feelings hidden."

"So you bit me because you love me? That's twisted."

"I told you you wouldn't like it, you wouldn't understand."

"Oh I understand alright, you are a sick sick creature. I'm going to say goodbye to Connor, poor kid has to grow up with a...a...thing like you for a father." She turned to leave and he grabbed her by the arm.

"We're not finished here." She glared at him and tryed to remove his hand from her arm.

"Yes we are, so let go." She gave him her hardest most determened look, but he didn't relent. He tossed her on the bed and made her sit.

"No, you can attack me all you want, just leave my son out of it."

"Why, you haven't even layed eyes on him in weeks."

"I love Connor."

"Yeah, like you love me, what a lucky boy he is. What would stop you from doing the same thing to Connor?"

"I would never hurt my son."

"You said you'd never hurt me, but look where that got you."

"I didn't want to hurt you, don't you see that, what happened was beyond my control."

"Then how can you control yourself around Connor?"

"Because, when I look at that face it makes me remember my soul and what I am, what I'm fighting for."

"And me?"

"You help me forget. You make me feel almost human and I think that some part of me got confused. Instead of me forgeting my vampire side it forgot the human side. I've wanted you for so long I cracked and I just took what I wanted and it was wrong. Really wrong. Maybe I can't promise with 100% certainty that it won't happen again, but I can promise that I will try my best. If you just help me remember my soul and what I'm here for, I'm sure I'll be fine."

"I want to believe you. I want my friend, my life back."

"Then trust me again."

"I don't know if I can, you've let me down so many times. How many times can I go on forgiving you."

"One more, that's all I ask, just one more chance and I won't let you down this time."

"I just don't know." She turned away from him.

"You know you promised me that you would never leave me and that all I had to do to remember that fact was look into your eyes to know it was true."

"That seems like a lifetime ago."

"But does it still hold true?" She looked down still not facing him, considering her options.

"You tell me." She turned around letting him for the first time that night to look into the depths of her eyes. I let out an unneeded breath and a smile curled on his lips and a tear rolled down his cheek."

"So, does this mean what I think it does?"

"I don't know if things can ever go back the way they were and it will take a long time for my trust and faith in you to fully return, but I'm not gonna leave you. Besides I miss Connor terribly."

"Do you mind if I go with you to check on him and maybe you can help me move his stuff back up here?"

"Yeah that sounds good." She gave him an awkward smile. She tried her hardest not to be afraid of him, but there was still a part of her that was terrified of him, but she was more terrified to be without him and she couldn't explain why.