Here I sit, silently, ever ready and on guard. I'm constantly on guard these day. On guard for what exactly I don't know. She's next to me smiling that beautiful smile that makes my heart skip a beat. Her eyes gaze into mine and for that brief second I'm happy, sublimely so. This isn't right, I have to have more self control than this. I can't feel this way, not about her. She's off limits, her heart is with another, but that doesn't quell the wanting and desire I feel. I make an attempt to scoot a little further away from her on the couch, but for some reason I'm frozen, I can't move. Then I realize her hand is on my knee. It's just a simple friendly action, but it's making my feeling rise. Her hand is scalding as it traces light circles on my leg, god she doesn't know what this does to me.

Come on think of something else, besides this wonderful, beautiful, amazing, willful, vibrant women who is the only thing to occupy your mind these days. This isn't working. I inhale a sharp breath trying to regain control of myself. She yawns and lays her head on my shouldar then moves it to my chest. I let my arm go around her pulling her closer to me. This is not what I should be doing to help me get over her. Her head nuzzles into my chest a bit more trying to get comfortable and my hand strokes the soft tresses of her hair. I close my eyes just reveling in this moment. Her breath grows more and more even until I know she is asleep. I know I should wake her and let her go to sleep in her room, but she's so peaceful I don't want to disturb her. No, that's not true, I'm selfish and don't want to move her from her spot for as long as she lives. Is that wrong?

I kiss the top of her head reverently and listen to her soft breathing. She looks so vulnerable and child like in her sleep, it's hard to believe that she's so much of a hell cat when she's awake. Most people look at her as a "bitch," but those are the people that never got a chance to get to know her. I admit I wrote her off as being one, but then I was with Emily and I couldn't see past her. Emily, that seems like another lifetime ago. So much has happened since we last saw each other, hell since we last spoke. Who knew her breaking up with me would turn out to lead me to the one person who makes the hurt go away. Sure it still hurts like hell that Emily moved on so quickly, but I can't blame her. In the back of my mind I knew that day would come and I had braced myself for it. Now, the women laying in my arms is like me, I don't feel like I'm not good enough for her. I just know I can never have her.

It's so complicated, our friendship or whatever it is. She's going through so much and needs someone to talk to and I'm more than happy to be that person. Sure she's told me how hot I am, which I admit made me blush, still does. I never really could take a compliment. But does me being pleasing to her eye any basis for a relationship? Ok we've had a few kisses and they were amazing and I know she felt it too because she kissed me back with every bit as much passion and ferver that I did. Sure this maybe just a crush on my part, but is it worth the risk to find out if it's something more? Is it worth losing my best friend and only person that truly understands me anymore? Or to lose my job and respect of my employer (again) in the process? Sure he won't admit it, but he still loves her and I know she still loves him. If something did happen between us would I have to settle for being second best?

Another day in my screwed up life. Nothing ever works out how I want it. Is it too much to ask for things to work in my favor for once in my life? I was given a second chance by some higher power when I was cleared of Ted Wilson's murder. I thought it was to spend my life with Emily, I guess I was mistaken. Maybe it was meant to lead me where I am now? Which is where exactly? I have no idea where my life is heading, but if the past is any indacation i know I'll end up the loser of the situation. I just wish that once I could get the girl, keep the girl.

I look down to the women in my arms and I can't help but smile. Whatever the future has in store for me, no matter how much I stand to lose or how much heartbreak and loss I'm in for, for this moment it's worth it. A touch of the life that I want, of the women I want is enough, at least for now it has to be. I put my head on top of hers and close my eyes. Maybe one day something will work out in my favor. The End

Carly's POV

Here we are, alone in my house. Michael's sleeping over at his little friends house leaving just Zander and I for one of our famous movie and pizza nights. I don't even know what movie we're watching, something with a lot of cars and action, not my type of movie, but with him sitting next to me I can endure it. He seems engrossed in the movie, he's staring at the television like it's got the answers to all of life's questions hidden beneath it's glow. The strange thing is is that i've seen that look before, only not at the television, but directed at me. Strange isn't it?

If things were different maybe we'd be doing something other than sitting close on this small couch. Maybe we could act out what we've been hinting around with those all too brief kisses. The most recent of which left me shaking and aching for more. When we pulled apart I wanted to just grab him and pull him back. I felt the loss of his lips for hours afterwords, I feel it even now. That was probably one of the most intense kisses I've ever expereinced and I've been kissed a fair number of times, some may call me a slut, I just say I'm just experienced. That kiss keeps replaying in my mind. He's so gentle, yet rough at the same time. He's passionate and just, god it's indescribable. Just being in his arms makes me feel safe, wanted and god forbid loved. It made me feel like maybe Sonny isn't the end all and be all of my world, that maybe life would go on without him in it. I can move on and be happy, it's just strange.

A small strand of hair falls over his eyes as it always seems to do, and it's just so...so...sexy. I repress the urge to brush it away and then run my fingers through that silky dark hair. No guys hair should be that perfect. Memo to self, ask Zander what products he uses, that shine so can't be natural. Ok, Carly, focus here, don't keep your mind solely on the hair, no matter how great it is.

He looks over at me and smiles and I can't help but smile back, he's just so sweet. Our gaze meets and his hazel eyes seem to dance in the dim light of the television, it's beautiful. Then he turns away and looks almost ashamed, and I can't help but think that I did something wrong. My fear grows a bit more as he scoots away, then it dawns on me. He doesn't want to screw up my life any more than it already is. He thinks my heart still belongs with Sonny, which is partly true. I'll always love Sonny, just like I'll always love Jason, there is no denying that. But I can move on, I proved that once by getting over Jason and falling for Sonny. Maybe I can do it again. I reach out my hand and rub his knee gently and he tenses up. I swear that I see him gulp and I have to supress a laugh. God, no guy deserves to be this cute, sweet, loyal etc...there has to be some fault to him. Sure he's got a fiery temper, but so do I and yeah he's been in jail, but I was in a mental institution so I can't hold that against the guy. Come on he has to have a fault.

Maybe his loyalty is his fault, I mean he is loyal to Sonny and look how far that's gotten him. His life will never be normal, he'll be in constant danger, and right now he's scared to death to make even the slightest move on me, Sonny's ex-wife. He's harped on this many times and keeps calling me Sonny's WIFE, do I need to wave divorce papers in front of him, maybe that's his fault, not accepting what's there. Maybe he's afraid that if he admits that something could happen than that would mean he's over Emily and that's something he's not ready to face. I mean he spent the last year with the girl and fell for her hard and then in one phone call she ripped out his heart and put it in a blender, I feel for him, no one should have to go through what he's been through.

Zander and I are a lot alike, we've both been hurt deeply by people who were supposed to love us, we both think first ask questions later, we both once saw Sonny as pretty much a god, we both grew up in less than desirable settings (although he never talks about his past, I can tell there has to be emotional scars), we both hate AJ, and we both are pretty much socail outcasts in this town. People tend to judge you solely on your previous actions and don't give you a chance to let you make it up, haven't these people heard of second chances? Guess not. Maybe I don't deserve a second chance, but Zander does and he's proved it in ways that the people of this town are too blind to see.

Wow this movie is really boring. I can barely keep my eyes open. I yawn and lay my head on his shouldar, he's still tense so it's not really all that comfortable. So I shift posistions and lean into his chest, that is a little better. I can hear his soft heart beat quicken and his breath become more ragged and I smile. I close my eyes as he kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair, it's so soothing and I fall alseep. For the first time in a long time I actually feel like I belong somewhere and that place is safe within Zander Smith's arms. The End.