Chapter Three
The days settled back into a quiet routine after the Cain family left. To fill the emptiness, Christy busied herself readying the master bedroom for Lou’s return. She aired and dusted everything and put fresh sheets on the bed. She wanted everything to be perfect when Lou arrived.
Finally one warm afternoon they set off in the buckboard to get Lou. It was a long but pleasant ride to Rock Creek. Buck drove the team of horses patiently and listened to the others chatter and sing. It seemed like no time had passed when they were driving down the streets to the schoolhouse where Rachel and Lou lived. There was no school in session as it was Saturday, so Buck pulled around to the back of the schoolhouse. They all clamored out as Rachel threw open the door and rushed to greet them.
“Hey! It’s so good to see ya’ll!” She cried as she embraced Jeremiah and Theresa.
They crowded into the tiny three rooms that made up Rachel’s home. Lou sat in a rocking chair close to the room’s only window. She turned to smile pleasantly at them but her eyes held no recognition. Theresa went to her and climbed onto her lap. Lou made no protest and began to stroke the girl’s long blonde hair absently.
“Hello, Lou.” Christy spoke to her gently.
“Where’s Kid?” Lou whispered.
“Kid’s gone now, Lou, you know that.” Christy said, not unkindly. “You’re going to come back to Sweetwater and live with us now, alright?”
She nodded and smiled sweetly. Christy sighed and walked over to Rachel. “She’s worse.”
“I know.” Rachel agreed. “I’m at my wit’s end. The doctor says he can find no reason why she stays like this other than she’s denying the truth.”
“He thinks she’s faking?” Christy was amazed.
Rachel shrugged. “Well, he didn’t say that in so many words, but….”
“For four years? I think that’s a little long to be pretending.”
Jeremiah had listened to as much as he could stand. He bolted back out the door.
“I’ll go check on him.” Buck offered and disappeared after the boy.
Rachel and Christy began to gather Lou’s things together. Despite spending several years in Rock Creek, Lou had remarkably little to pack. It took less than an hour to bundle and load the few items.
“Won’t you come with us, too?” Christy begged as the departed.
“Oh, no, I couldn’t. I’d miss my students too much.” She declined.
“Your students or that nice librarian, Mr. Miller?” Christy teased.
Rachel blushed slightly. “Yes, he is nice, isn’t he?”
“Well, if you change your mind, the invitation stands.”
Rachel hugged her tightly. “You sure ya’ll won’t stay the night?”
“Rachel!” Christy laughed. “Where would you put us?”
“I know, I just can’t stand to see ya’ll leaving so soon.” She turned to Buck. “Take care of them.”
“I will.” He said solemnly.
It was dark when they arrived home. By the time they had settled Lou into her room and Jeremiah and Theresa were tucked into bed, it was well after midnight. Buck and Christy collapsed into chairs in the living room. They were too tired to do much talking, but as always, they drew comfort in simply being together.
Christy felt happier with Lou here. Kid had loved his wife beyond reason and Christy somehow felt closer to him when Lou was near. She looked over at Buck and thought of the two sleeping children upstairs. Together they all made a little family of sorts; the only family that Christy had.
The next day Christy took Lou and showed her the little grave marker that Buck had made for Kid. Lou stared intently down at the wooden cross. For a minute, Christy thought she saw a flicker of the old Lou run across her face.
“What do you think, Lou? You can come here every day and talk to Kid if you want.” She searched the other woman’s brown eyes.
Her small hand reached out to touch the smooth boards. “Kid’s dead?”
Christy felt a stab of sorrow in her heart. “Yes, Lou, you know that. Remember, I told you not very long ago?”
Lou nodded, but Christy wasn’t sure if she really understood. She watched as Lou knelt in front of the marker. Lou bowed her head and twisted the gold band she still wore around her finger. Christy sat down beside her. Tears filled Lou’s huge eyes.
Feeling as if they were nearing some kind of breakthrough, Christy stayed silent. Huge, racking sobs shook Lou’s body. Christy held the crying woman in her arms until she was done. Afterwards, sadness etched Lou’s face deeply, but Christy thought she recognized a spark of life in her eyes.
A surge of hope ran through Christy. Perhaps given enough time, there was some chance of recovery. Not wanting to push Lou too much, Christy left her alone for awhile. She went to the barn where Buck was working with the horses.
She stood at the door and watched him as he whispered to the horses. Unaware of her presence, he talked to them unselfconsciously. It was times like these that Christy became aware of just how great her love for Buck was. Everything else might be crazy in her world, but Buck was as steadfast as the ground she walked on.
He glanced her way and caught her looking at him. The slow, crooked smile spread across his face. Christy felt her stomach do the familiar flip-flops. She was amazed that even after four years, he could still affect her that way.
“Where’s Lou?” He asked.
“I showed her the marker you made for Kid. She’s there.” Christy paused, unsure of how to explain what she had seen in Lou’s eyes. “Buck, I think I may have had a breakthrough with her…she was looking at Kid’s grave, and she started to cry. For a minute I’m sure I saw the real Lou, our Lou, inside of her.”
“Well, that’s great.” Although he spoke calmly, Christy could see the excitement shining in his eyes.
Christy hugged herself happily. She missed the old Lou, who was possibly the only person who loved Kid as much as Christy did. If Lou would just keep improving, maybe someday Christy could have her friend back.
The days passed and turned into months. Lou kept getting better, although not as rapidly as Christy had hoped. Lou spent a lot of time at Kid’s grave, sometimes reading, but mostly just sitting in the grass in the sun. Theresa often joined her, playing quietly with her dolls beside her sister.
Jeremiah still kept his distance from Lou. Never a trusting child, he was suspicious and hostile of the change in his sister. Only Buck could seem to reach beneath the hurt and find the little boy inside. Jeremiah would talk to Buck when he would ignore everyone else. In return, Buck realized he was the only positive male figure that Jeremiah had ever had in his life. He was patient with the boy even when Christy was at her wit’s end.
One day, Christy was working in her garden when she heard yelling coming from the direction of the barn. Christy hurried to the barn doors and found Jeremiah standing inside shouting at Lou, who was crying steadily.
“Jeremiah! What is going on here?” Christy demanded as she surveyed the standoff.
“She won’t let me get anywhere near Katy!” Jeremiah gestured wildly to Lou. “Every time I get near her stall, Lou starts pushing me!”
Indeed, Lou did seem to have a rather stubborn look fixed upon her face. She stood directly in front of Katy’s stall, blocking the entrance with her small body. She glared furiously at her brother.
“Lou…” Christy began soothingly. “Why won’t you let Jeremiah see Katy?”
Never removing her eyes from Jeremiah, Lou angrily answered. “He’s trying to steal Kid’s horse! I ain’t gonna let him. Kid will need his horse when he gets back!”
“Kid’s dead!” Jeremiah screamed. “Are you stupid?”
“You ain’t takin’ Katy!” Lou snapped back.
“Please stop shouting! Both of you!” Christy yelled.
Sensing she had control for the moment, she slowly approached Lou. Lou allowed her to come closer, but she still threw threatening looks to Jeremiah. Trying to fake a calmness she didn’t feel, Christy placed her hands on Lou’s shoulders.
“Lou, you know Jeremiah wouldn’t hurt Katy. He loves her as much as we do.”
“He’s trying to steal her!” Lou insisted.
“No, Lou.” Christy said firmly. “Jeremiah is your brother; he would never do anything to hurt you or anything that you love.”
Lou looked doubtfully at the small boy standing before her, with his mop of dark curly hair. “Alright, you can feed Katy, but you better not try any funny business. I’ve got my eyes on you.”
Lou marched past them and back to her usual spot beside Kid’s grave. Christy sighed with relief and turned to Jeremiah. He was watching his sister’s retreating back, his face clouded with rage. His small fists opened and closed. Christy felt a pang of sympathy for the boy; she knew he was just trying to cover his hurt and confusion with his anger.
“Jeremiah, you know Lou doesn’t mean what she says. She just can’t help it, honey, she’s still very sick in her head.” Christy tried to comfort him.
He shook his head violently. “She ain’t sick, she’s just crazy.”
“Don’t say that!” Christy gasped. “She just needs time and she’ll be just fine.”
“She’s had time.” Jeremiah pointed out. “She’s had four years.”
She felt she had to defend Lou, even if secretly she agreed with the boy. “She just misses Kid, she loved him so much.”
“You loved him, too. You ain’t crazy.” Jeremiah walked out of the barn, leaving Christy with her thoughts.
Feeling dismayed by Lou’s relapse, Christy loaded them both into the buckboard the next morning and made the short trip into Sweetwater to see the town’s only doctor. Doc Baker was a kindly older gentleman, who spoke gently to Lou as he examined her.
Finally he sighed and ran a hand through his thinning white hair. “Well, Miss Tunstall, physically there’s nothing wrong with Louise. Her heart sounds fine, you say she’s eating well; I’d say she’s as healthy as a horse.”
“But?” She asked, knowing there was more.
“I don’t know.” He sighed again and shook his head. “Stress, loss, grief-it can do terrible things to people’s minds. Louise seems to be in a very deep state of denial over her husband’s untimely death. At times she fully grasps the concept that he is gone forever, but then the next minute she talks as if he’s in the next room.”
“I know all this, Doctor.” Christy spoke impatiently, but not unkindly. “Is there anything we can do to make her better?”
He averted his eyes. “It’s hard to say. You say it has been four years; I’m afraid that isn’t a very good sign. To put it simply, Miss Tunstall, Louise has lost her will to live. She lives in the past to avoid the future. In order for her to make a full recovery, she has to want to live again.”
Christy’s look was helpless. “How can I make her do that?”
“You can’t.” Doc Baker admitted. “That’s something that has to come from her.”
Feeling more frustrated than ever, Christy was silent as they rode back home. Lou seemed to pick up on her mood and glanced at her several times with her large brown eyes.
“You’re mad at me.” Lou finally said.
Surprised, Christy laughed. “No! I’m not mad at you, honey. I’m just worried, that’s all.”
“About Kid?” She asked.
“No.” Christy smiled sadly. “I’m more worried about you.”
Lou smiled innocently. “I’m just fine, don’t you worry about me.”
With a sigh, Christy drove the team into the yard toward the stables. There had to be something she could do to help Lou. She noticed a horse tied to the fence and her breath caught. All thoughts of Lou disappeared. The tall palomino grazing could only belong to one person. Jimmy was here.
Chapter Four
With trembling hands, Christy secured the buckboard and helped Lou down from the seat. She felt more nervous than she cared to admit. She wondered why he was here after all this time. Did Buck know Jimmy was here? Her heart thumped loudly.
Christy found him waiting on the porch swing. He watched her advance through opaque eyes. It was impossible to tell if he was happy to see her or not. It surprised her how much seeing him affected her. He still looked very much the same, although the war had aged him some. He had obviously cleaned up for the visit, his blue shirt looked so starched and new it fairly crackled when he moved to stand.
Lou squealed with delight and ran to him. Jimmy swung her up in his arms but his gaze never left Christy. She hesitated a few feet away from the porch steps. She wanted to go to him, but something held her back. When he had released Lou, he walked down the steps to her. He stopped in front of her, his thumbs hooked through his belt loops. At one time, Christy could have read Jimmy’s every expression, but his face was clouded today, making him hard to gauge.
“Hello, Jimmy.”
“Christy.”
Part of her felt she should hug him, but a larger part, the one that was loyal to Buck, stopped her.
“It’s been a long time.” She commented.
“Yes, it has.” His tone was friendly but indifferent.
She found herself unable to meet his eyes. She was ecstatic to see him, at the same time she felt a distinct discomfort. He seemed completely at ease. When she didn’t return his gaze, Jimmy turned to look out at the plains.
“Have you seen Buck?” Christy asked. She was curious as to the reaction the two men had seeing each other again.
He nodded slightly. “He’s in the kitchen, fixing up some grub.”
Relief washed over her. If Buck knew Jimmy was here and no blood had been shed so far, maybe things would be all right. Mentioning Buck seemed to have no affect on Jimmy. Lou stood on the porch, watching them expectantly.
“Well, shall we go inside then?” Christy led the way, not turning to see if he was following her.
Theresa and Jeremiah clamored down the stairs, excited by the girls’ return. They both pulled up short when they saw Jimmy standing in the doorway. They had met Jimmy before, of course, but it had been so long since they had seen him that his presence caused them to act shyly.
He smiled gently at them. “They look more and more like you every day, Lou.”
Lou looked at her siblings absently. “Have you seen Kid?”
“No, Lou, I haven’t.” Jimmy stroked the side of her face and his eyes sought Christy’s.
He was worried about Lou, Christy thought. She was glad to find that she could at least still judge some of his feelings. Their eyes locked again. With some reluctance, Christy turned and went into the kitchen.
Buck was standing by the stove frying some meat. He didn’t meet her gaze as she came in. Jimmy and Lou crowded in behind her and took places at the small table. Uneasily, Christy began to gather plates and glasses. For a minute there was an uncomfortable silence.
“You haven’t visited in forever, James Hickok.” Lou said accusingly in a moment of clarity.
He stared at her, surprised. A slow smile spread across his face as he recognized some of the old fire in Lou’s character. “I’m real sorry about that, Lou. I’ve been doing some work with the Army and I haven’t been out this way much.”
“Do you ever run into Cody?” Buck asked quietly.
Jimmy faced his one time friend. By experience Christy knew he was sizing Buck up and trying to decide on what grounds he stood. “Not really. He’s been doing some scouting out West. I hear he’s been keeping those soldiers alive by killing buffalo for them. I think he’s making quite a name for himself.”
Christy listened to him talk. There was a difference about him that she couldn’t put her finger on. Physically he was the same, but something had changed inside of him. It was so subtle that only someone who knew him as well as she had would notice it.
Buck slapped the plate of meat onto the table, interrupting her thoughts. Jimmy ate hungrily but Christy mostly pushed hers around on the plate. Buck did a good job of pretending to eat, too. Jimmy and Lou chatted a little but mostly lunch was a quiet affair.
After eating, Lou decided to visit Kid’s grave. She made Jimmy promise to come see it, and then she slipped out the back door. The three of them were left to stare at each other.
“I was hoping she had gotten better.” Jimmy said finally.
Christy sighed. “At times it seems she understands that Kid is dead, but then she’ll slip back into thinking he’s just gone for a little while. I took her to the doctor this afternoon. He seems to think she doesn’t want to live without Kid.”
“Can’t he do something to help her?” Jimmy leaned his arms against the table comfortably.
“Jimmy, what are you doing here?” Buck cut in.
Only Christy saw the slight twitch in Jimmy’s cheek. “Well, Buck, I came to visit some old friends. If that’s alright with you.”
She heard the slight warning in his tone and tried to stop it. “Tell us about your travels with the Army.”
Buck leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “Why now? You haven’t been here in four years.”
“I told you; I haven’t been out this way much.” The anger was more evident now.
“Jimmy, Buck, why don’t we move into the living room to talk?” She tried again desperately.
Jimmy ignored her. “Do you have a problem with me being here, Buck?”
Buck slammed his fist down on the table and his dark eyes flashed. “Yes, I do, Hickok! You disappear from our lives for years and now you want to walk back in here like nothing happened!”
“Sorry to offend you, Buck.” Jimmy was dangerously close to losing control. “But last time I checked, you didn’t own this place. I guess if Christy or Lou wants me to leave, they will tell me.”
Both of them looked at her. Feeling put on the spot, Christy hedged. “Jimmy, it’s not that we don’t want you here; your visit is just a surprise, that’s all.”
Jimmy rose, grabbing his hat from the chair behind him. “Fine. I’ll leave.”
Buck stood, kicking his own chair out of his way. “Don’t bother. I’ll go.”
He went out the back, slamming the screen door behind him. Jimmy was still for a minute as if he wanted to say something else. He played with the brim of his hat.
“I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Jimmy, wait!” She was too late; he had already left.
Christy collapsed back into her chair and rested her head in her hands. In the space of only a few hours, Jimmy had come back into her life and threw everything into chaos again. She had no doubt that Buck was angry with her. She didn’t really blame him. It was he that had been there for her these last few years. It was Buck whose shoulder she cried on when she had at last accepted Kid’s death. All he had asked in return was for her to stand by him when the time came. Yet when it came to a choice between Buck and Jimmy, Christy had faltered.
Feeling disappointed in herself for letting Buck down, and more than a little irritated at Jimmy for showing up unannounced, Christy decided to saddle Katy for a ride. Woman and horse charged across the open land. Katy seemed to sense the tension in her rider; she galloped without hesitation for miles before slowing down.
When she finally stopped, Christy felt better. Granted, none of her problems were solved, but at least she felt more capable of dealing with them. She nudged Katy back towards home, this time at a slow trot. Forcing herself to notice her surroundings on her return trip, Christy was surprised to find it was almost evening. She wondered how long she had been gone. When she reached the stables, Christy quickly fed and brushed Katy down. She produced a sugar lump from her pocket and held it out for the mare to nibble.
“Thanks, old girl. You’ve made me feel a world better.” She whispered as she rubbed the paint’s brown and white coat.
Turning to leave, Christy jumped about a foot in the air when she found Buck watching her. She smiled at him, hoping some of his anger had dissipated. He stared back at her, but she didn’t see any animosity in his eyes.
“Buck.” She began. “I’m sorry about this afternoon. If Jimmy being here made you uncomfortable, I should have taken your side.”
He shook his head and sighed, leaning against the barn wall. “It’s not about taking sides, Christy. This is about you and me and when you’re going to quit putting off the inevitable.”
Her clear blue eyes mirrored her confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean quit straddling the fence, Christy. I can’t live like this-wondering if every time Jimmy shows up I’m gonna have to see that look in your eyes.”
“What look? Buck, you’re not making any sense. You know I love you.”
“I believe you.” He nodded. “I also think that in a way, you’ve been grieving over Jimmy being gone almost as much as you have Kid.”
“That’s ridiculous! Jimmy’s not even dead!” She exclaimed.
“No, but you’ve missed him, just the same.” He replied.
Christy looked at him with frustration. “Yes, I’ve missed him! I still wanted to be friends with Jimmy. I was sad that he didn’t feel the same way, but that doesn’t affect how I feel for you.”
Buck turned his back to her and spoke quietly. “Doesn’t it?”
“No!” She went to him and grabbed his arms for emphasis. “I’ve never regretted the decision I made. You’re the one who’s right for me.”
“Then why won’t you marry me?” His face was pleading.
“You know why.” She said reproachfully. “I was concentrating on looking for Kid.”
“You’re not looking for Kid anymore.” Buck was determined to get an answer from her.
“Yes, but now there’s Lou. She needs to get settled in here before we pull any big changes on her.”
Buck stared at her sadly. He wanted to ask what her next excuse would be, but held back for fear of starting an all out fight. This girl standing before him was his greatest strength and his worst weakness. For four years he had waited patiently, hoping someday she would be his. He didn’t doubt that she loved him, but if he thought she didn’t still have feelings for Jimmy then he would be a fool.
He wanted to give her some sort of ultimatum, to demand that she either marry him or let him go. However, he was too afraid that she would choose the second option. He needed Christy like he needed food and water. Much as he wanted more from her, he would rather go on forever with her like it was than take a chance of losing her.
So like always, Buck agreed with Christy that now wasn’t the time to get married. They changed the subject to lighter topics. For the rest of the evening, marriage or Jimmy Hickok wasn’t mentioned.
As Jimmy rode back to Sweetwater, he cursed himself silently. His visit hadn’t gone at all as planned. His hand sought the envelope in his coat pocket, reassured that it was still there. Thinking of the letter within the plain brown envelope, Jimmy knew he would have to make another trip to the Shannon place, whether he wanted to or not.
He had meant to tell her as soon as he saw her. It wasn’t in his nature to hide things, even bad news. As soon as he saw her face though, all reason had left him. Christy still looked as lovely as ever. He saw traces of the struggles she must have gone through to come to terms with Kid being gone, but even that hadn’t destroyed her beauty. It didn’t take a smart man to see that she was happy and that the cause for her joy lay in Jimmy’s old friend.
Jimmy knew the letter in his pocket had the potential to change all that. He had received the one page note barely three weeks ago. He had taken a few days to decide what the best course of action would be. It was the one thing he had learned from Teaspoon that he still carried with him: he tried to think before he acted.
He reached Sweetwater, fully intending to head straight to the nearest hotel. The loud jangle of music coming from the nearby saloon changed his mind. He stepped inside the batwing doors and all conversation came to a halt. Everyone there knew of the infamous “Wild Bill” Hickok. No one had expected him to show up in the saloon. He nodded curtly to the other patrons and took a seat at the bar. Gradually, the excitement of having a notorious gunman in their presence faded and the gamblers and saloon girls went back to their activities.
He ordered a shot of whiskey, then quickly downed it before calling for another one. Whiskey had become one of Jimmy’s new habits. It burned his insides and softened his memory until the face of the blonde woman he had just left became a distant thing in the background. His goal was to erase her face altogether, but he had never quite succeeded at that.
He had to tell her. It would eat him alive if he didn’t. He should have told her today, but her happiness and seeing her with Buck had thrown him off. He guessed a part of him had hoped he would return to find her alone and miserable. Then at least he wouldn’t have felt he was wrecking the little world she had built around her.
Seeing Lou had been a shock. Of course she hadn’t been well on the occasions he had visited her and Rachel in Rock Creek, but somehow she seemed worse and better all at the same time. Maybe it was the fact that she did appear a little better that made the other seem twice as bad. He remembered the spark of life he had glimpsed in her eyes and wondered just how deep the old Lou was buried. He worried how his news would affect her. He certainly didn’t want to do anything to worsen her condition.
Sighing, Jimmy turned back his fourth shot. The amber liquid was finally dulling his senses. Tomorrow, he told himself. Tomorrow he would go back to the Shannon place and tell them what he had learned. Kid was dead regardless. Putting it off one more day couldn’t hurt anything.
