Funny-Ass Quotes
"I feel like my eyes have gonorrhea!"
~Johnny Knoxville, Self Defense
"Would that stop an assailant?"
"That would stop a fucking freight train!"
~Johnny Knoxville, Self Defense
"From my experiments with sexiness, it seems like people are afraid at first, and fear equals violence. But eventually, I'll win their hearts and instead of fighting, they'll want to make love to me.
"Even the men"
"Yup."
~Chris Pontius, Directions
"I want you to punch me in the face one second prior to take off so it sofetns the blow"
~Bam Margera (to Ryan Dunn), Shopping Carts
"I'm Jackass and you're watching Raab Himself"
~Raab Himself, Shopping Carts
"I'm Greg Poogainis"
~Johnny Knoxville, Poo Cocktail
"I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to hit some haggard backwoods crap"
~Ryan Dunn, Tree Jumper
"Now I know what it feels like to be my liver."
~Johnny Knoxville, Human BBQ
"I don't mean to toot my own horn, but BEEP, BEEP."
~Dave England, Urban Kayak
"Do you want a free butt-mud hug?"
~Dave England, Poo Hug
"For one thing, God didn't invent the cirumcision, I did."
~Chris Pontius (Satan), Satan vs. God
"Don't hate the player, hate the game!"
~Chris Pontius, Satan vs God
"Is this like an Arkansas-type steamer bean?"
~Johnny Knoxville, Poo Poo Platter
"What's the log for?"
"Hopefully to injure Ryan's spine - or his head."
~Brandon Dicamillo, Land Skiing
"Quit being a little bitch about it...get 'em tiger!"
~Bam Margera, Grass Skiing
"You fuckers, that was so good"
~Bam Margera, Bounty Hunter Skit
"He clamped on to my buttcheeks, dude."
~Steve-O, Crawfish Diaper
"The pointers aren't going to help him, because he's just gonna get rocked in the first round."
~Bam Margera, Ultimate Fighting
"I don't have a regular head anymore. Remember how I used to take hits to the head? Those days are well and gone, my friend."
~Ryan Dunn, Ultimate Fighting
"I gotta come to terms with my sexuality. I gotta know what I'm all about."
~Chris Pontius, Spermathon
"What did he do wrong? Everything!"
~Bam Margera (about Ryan), Slip & Slide
"I'm ALL balls"
~Steve-O, Nutball
"I got a little dick and one nut."
~Dave England, Nutball
"This is the first bath he's had in like, 5 days."
~ Johnny Knoxville (about Steve-O), Human Car Wash
"This is REAL budget - even for us."
~ Johnny Knoxville, Belt Sander Skates
Johnny: "If it displaces oxygen, anre we in any danger inside the car with it in here?"
Rake: "Well, since you numb nuts closed all the windows, thes yes, we ae in eminent danger."
~ Johnny Knoxville & Rake Yohn, Chemical Spill
"My goods were just bouncing up & down on his back"
~Johnny Knoxville, Backwards Bullriding
"Johnny Knoxville is always the star. He's always in everything. He's always in the magazines. All the girls think he's cuter and he even wins the race. But we're still trying, aren't we?"
~Chris Pontius, Prostitute Boat Race
"I HATE MUSTARD!!"
~ Rake Yohn, Hot Dog Gymnastics
"We're putting stickers on ourselves, beacuse there's a good chance we could be riding each other to Russia."
~ Chris Pontius, Gumball 3000
"I was sitting here driving, thinking, 'Man, I'm really lucky Dimitry's driving.' Then I remembered, 'Damn, I'm driving.'"
~ Johnny Knoxville, Gumball 3000
"They say Poland is the Mexico of Europe. I don't know what that means, but I like it."
~ Chris Pontius, Gumball 3000
"Forget the directions, we're taking the express straight to HELL."
~ Dimitry Elyashkevich, Gumball 3000
"L-A-T-V-I-J-A-S. Latvia."
~ Mr. America (Chris Pontius), Gumball 3000
"Look at the Latvian's attitude. They even hate asparagus. 'Falck Apsargs' Who has something against asparagus?"
~ Johnny Knoxville, Gumball 3000
"The Russian police are stern. Stern but fair."
~ Chris Pontius, Gumball 3000
Guch: Who do you like better, Pontius, Sleep-O or Steve-O?"
Pontius: I don't like either. When he is asleep, I wish he was awake. When he's awake, I wish he was asleep. He's a piece of crap."
~ Guch & Chris Pontius, Gumball 3000
"I wish life was like a porno movie."
~ Chris Pontius, Gumball 3000
"What's the point of driving that fast if we're going the wrong way?"
~ Dimitry Elyashkevich, Gumball 3000
"Phil gets off work in 15 minutes, and I've got 20 paintballs up in this biotch. He's gonna fuckin' DIE."
~ Bam Margera, Paintball Attack
"If I wasn't dancing in a strip club for money, I'd be dancing in a strip club for free. That's the way it always will be."
~ Party Boy (Chris Pontius), Closing Credits, Episode 7, Season 3
Bam: "This is gonna be FUN."
Ryan: "No, it's not."
~ Bam Margera & Ryan Dunn, Fisherman's Wharf
"Party Boy's coming to town."
~ Party Boy (Chris Pontius), Party Boy U.K.
"It's ghetto carts, baby!"
~ Brandon Dicamillo, Bucket Cars
"He broke his tailbone. That's all right, we don't have tails anymore. What's the purpose of having one?"
~ Ryan Dunn, Bucket Cars
"Oh! I pinched my nut!"
~ Ehren McGhehey, Closing Credits, Episode 4, Season 2
"That's no wee ass, I gotta tell ya."
~ Johnny Knoxville, High Dive 2
"I can feel your guch"
~ Johnny Knoxville, Ice Block Sledding
"I should have barins, but I have sack."
~ Johnny Knoxville, Closing Credits, Episode 8, Season 2
"That's the only bush Ehren has been in for months."
~ Johnny Knoxville, Tandem Biking
"It's a speedo G-string! Boy! THIS is a treasure!"
~ Chris Pontius, Paintball Duel
