Tuesday night brought the third show of the season. One last chance to see the cherished bad auditions and read another boring introduction to the recap. Wait! Maybe…it could…nope, it sucks. The show itself starts off with a recap of last week’s show, and again I’m no part of it. This has become my official crusade. I want to deliver the recap of the previous week to start a show. Of course, I don’t know who to go to with this crusade, so maybe it’ll just die out here. Sputter.
With four cities down, the show moves onto Hotlanta and Smashville this week. God, I got the hip lingo down good! Paula doesn’t make the trip to Atlanta, as she had a prior engagement to tend to. Shouldn’t she have skipped this other thing because she had a prior engagement with AMERICAN IDOL? Just wondering.
Simon is in a hurry to get out of Atlanta, so he yells at the kids in advance in the lobby. After telling everybody how tough it was going to be, Simon and Randy fawn all over the first singer, Nickie. They tell her she has a great voice and is quite the looker. Yes, it’s very tough this year! Jessica comes out into the waiting area and reassures everybody with “They’re not that bad.” What she neglects to add is “As long as you can sing. If not, you’re dead. Dead!”
Next up is Johnny Ly. From Mortal Kombat? That might have been Johnny Cage. Wherever he’s from, Johnny gets all of his clothes at Plainsville Outlet, where everything is only one color. After being rejected, Johnny tells the lobby of other singers that he’s not giving up and they applaud. I can’t tell if they’re clapping to honor his blind ambition or because he’s leaving.
Omega comes in and promises a performance. Randy asks what she does and Omega says, “Watch, you’ll see.” We see, and what she does is yell and run around. They don’t mention it on the show, but judging from her hair, Omega is related to former pro wrestler “The Natural” Butch Reed. Omega reminds the judges again that she’s a performer. What she doesn’t seem to realize is that jumping is not performing.
Following Omega is Clay Aiken, who looks like Alfred E. Newman and Howdy Doody crashed head on. The judges say he has a great voice, but a bad look. I get that a lot, only the opposite. Clay gets good news, but for most of the auditioners, sleeping on the sidewalk was a complete waste except as practice for when they move to Los Angeles to become famous. One girl tells Seacrest the judges will be sorry they ever screwed around with her. Security later detained her trying to get back inside the audition hall with a spork tucked in her waistband.
Another girl says this is the first time ever she’s been told she wasn’t good enough. Maybe she isn't talking to enough people. A guy supposes that he was rejected because the judges were jealous of his looks. Looks that can be best described as “just like everybody else.” Maria comes in and sings a dirty country song. She makes it through. Either it’s very hot in Atlanta or the word “ass” makes Simon very nervous. Whatever it is, he has a slight case of the pits at this point. Like two little ponds under there.
Then things somehow get even worse. Mitchell comes in wearing a shirt made completely of macramé and mesh. On purpose, I think. After that, Joshua Strickland struts in wearing a sweater that has either been twisted around or makes a bold statement against buttons in the middle. How do you get that thing on? Then there was Vanessa, who was dressed as if Pink, Kelly Osborne and Nikki McKibbin all let her borrow something.
Out in the lobby, Kristin Holt talks with Keith about his look. If we’re on the look topic, how is she ignoring the guy to her right with the matching hat and sweater? Awesome combo! Keith tells Kristin he grew his hair out just for the audition. What did it used to look like? Well, about the same, except less hair. Very descriptive, Keith. Thank you.
Keith sings and…wow. Uh. Keith. Huh. You know, Keith used to be a cool name. I think it’s been ruined by this escapade. Simon calls Keith the worst singer in the world, and Keith informs Simon that he has to be kidding. Simon's look indicates that he thinks Keith has to be kidding about that, and suddenly we're at an impasse. Keith fervently grips his chest in an attempt to win the standoff, but it's no use. By the end, all we've learned is that Simon definitely wasn't kidding, and that perhaps Keith's bushy eyebrows have rooted into his brain, impairing his judgment.
After the break, we see a bunch of Hollywood-ites, and then another endless parade of dreck. I particularly liked the guy in the picnic table shirt who moved his arms like he had no elbows. Or John Matchinghatandsweater, who couldn’t believe the judges didn’t like him. “Yes.” “No.” “Yes.” “No.” Or the girl in red who apparently was so distraught over heading out the wrong way she broke down in tears.
Atlanta comes to a close, sending the most singers ever for one city to Hollywood. Which is quite a prestigious record to hold halfway through the second season. We move on to Nashville, the final audition city this year. Hey, I was in Nashville! Look for those video clips some day soon! I’m hilarious and handsome! That’s right. I’m plugging myself in my own column. I have no shame. In Nashville, Paula has returned and Randy is wearing a hat he picked up in France on vacation. The auditions in Nashville were held in a cavernous country western bar. On Saturday night, this place must be wall-to-wall cowboy hats, big hair and shiny belt buckles. And I bet they have ribs and beer there.
The first hopeful we see in Nashville comes in wearing everything he owns. Which apparently doesn’t include a pair of shoes. The extra layers make him hot, so he quickly guzzles Paula’s drink. Good start! I’m willing to bet Edwin described himself as “interesting” on his application form. Somebody should tell him that “interesting” and “unbearable” are not the same thing.
After being treated to Edwin, we get a guy doing a beaver dance, another guy arguing with his shadow and a guy that they grabbed from the nearest bus stop. I imagine he was muttering “I love you” to himself on the curb outside as well. Sensing that we’ve had enough, the show brings in Ruben. I have a feeling his hat would cover my head to the chin. And I could probably curl up in his shirt. I mean, when he takes it off. I mean, as long as he’s not in it. I mean…Ruben’s big. Dog. Did I get that right? Dog?
Ruben gives way to Ira, who will one day realize “Let’s get it on” has nothing to do with getting cookies for snacktime. After being rejected – which has to be tough to accept at age 5 – Ira describes the judges as the Caucasian and the brown dude. Kids are so honest! They can teach us so much!
Back from another commercial, the show can’t find anybody that actually lives in Nashville. Then Amber comes in representing the Music City and they hate her. We just can’t win! Jeff follows up Amber, and based on these two, we can extrapolate the data to conclude that everybody in Nashville is either a bad singer or forgetful or both.
Corey Clark is next. He’s wearing normal jeans, a normal jacket and a t-shirt that he ran through a blender. Ryan opines that Corey looks like either Snoop or Justin. I toss one of the guys from Bone Thugs-n-Harmony into the mix. Kneez Bone? HedBone kannekted to tha NekBone? Jail Bone? I don't know their names.
Following another break, two guys do the worm between rows of chairs, and a guy in a suit made of lime sherbet trips over himself and falls down. At home, Bob Saget cracks himself up with a high-pitched narration. “Whoa! Whoa! Down I go!” As if that wasn’t enough, we get to see a guy wearing pants made out of Siberian huskies and another guy who tears his shirt off, sending Hulkamania runnin’ wild, brother!
As if that still wasn’t enough, we see a guy in a tie-dyed hat and shirt who politely us informs that, “Not everybody likes tie-dyed cowboys.” That is true. In fact, nobody does. But of course, he’s no match for the cat that unzips his vest and sexily turns around to Paula, rubbing his head. This guy is watching too much French TV.
To balance things out again, Kimberley Locke comes in and shows off her fine voice. The judges tell her this competition will come down to voices against looks. They like her voice. It goes unmentioned that they don’t like her look. They just sort of let it hang there in the air. Kimberley chooses to look at the bright side. “They like my voice!”
Finally, Rickey Smith comes in. You put a fedora and big glasses on this guy and you got DMC in the house. Rickey is moving onto Hollywood, and he’s so happy to hear the news that he busts out his Nutty Professor imitation. Thankfully, he didn’t bust out his Pluto Nash impression, or else nobody would’ve known what the hell he was doing.
Closing out the show, we see a montage of the rejects still insisting they’ll be stars one day. “You’ll see my name in lights one day, I promise.” Sure. Let me know where to look. The level of determination, ignorance and ability to immediately forget harsh criticism in these kids is admirable bordering on frightening. Somebody should try to harness this unbelievably positive energy as an alternate fuel source for our cars. Think of the possibilities! And you know, I think these kids are right. When I wrote my first recap, people hated it and starting punching me. But I just ignored their good points and kept plugging away, and here I am today writing another lengthy, lengthy recap that most people quit reading two pages ago. Inspirational!
So tomorrow night, we’ll all come back and the judges will narrow 240 or so down to 32. I’ll pick out the one girl to have an unhealthy crush on and the one guy I’ll despise for pretty much no reason, and the show will really start rolling! Let’s do it!