Monologues by Character
Here you can find monologues by character. just click on the name or scroll down!
I collected some Buffy monologues for your use. I always am looking for monologues cos I'm an actor and even just for fun. Email me some and I'll put them up!
Monologues By Chracter
Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... ...waiting... And
though unwanted... ...unbidden... it will stir... ...open its jaws, and
howl. It speaks to us... guides us... Passion rules us all. And we obey.
What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments.
The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It
hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion,
maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... Without passion, we'd be truly dead.
Angel: (smiles) You and me, Faith, (straightens up) we're a lot alike.
Time was, I thought humans existed just to hurt each other. (sits next
to her) But then I came here. And I found out that there are other types
of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right. (looks at her) And
they make mistakes. And they fall down. You know, but they keep caring.
Keep trying. If you can trust us, Faith, this can all change. You don't
have to disappear into the darkness.
Bewitched, Bothered, Bewildered
Xander: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us
off on the wrong foot here.
Xander: (stops her with a gesture) Let me finish. I've been thinking a
lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice,
a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones.
(Cordelia looks puzzled) A-and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry
teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special
inside me. (Cordelia looks down, then back up) And vice versa. I mean, I
think I do. See something. So...
Into the Woods
XANDER: But you miss the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been
treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once
in a lifetime. (Buffy looks dismayed) He's never held back with you. He's
risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like
ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there,
(shakes head) let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if
you really think you can love this guy ... I'm talking scary, messy,
no-emotions-barred need ... if you're ready for that ... then think about
what you're about to lose.
I've gotta say something... 'Cause ... I don't think I've
made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The
things you do ... the way you think ... the way you move ... I get excited
every time I'm about to see you.
You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just
thought you might wanna know.
Xander: Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car,
and that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at 'The Fabulous
Ladies Night Club' for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the
repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when
one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make
me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for
one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms
of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep
in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth!
You can't stop this.
Is this the master plan? You're
going to stop me by telling me you
Well, I was going to walk you off a
cliff and hand you an anvil, but it
seemed kinda cartoony.
Still making jokes.
I'm not joking. I know you're in
pain. I can't imagine the pain
you're in. I know you're about to do
something apocalyptically evil and
stupid and hey, still want to hang.
Don't call me th-
First day of kindergarten you cried
'cause you broke the yellow crayon
and you were too afraid to tell
anyone. You've come pretty far,
ending the world, not a terrific
notion but the thing is, yeah. I
love you. I loved crayon-breaky
Willow and I love scary veiny Willow.
So if I'm going out, it's here. You
wanna kill the world you start with
me. I've earned that.
You think I won't?
It doesn't matter. I'll still love
I love you.
Mayor: Well, I wish you kids the best, I really do. But if you don't mind a
bit of fatherly advice, I, uh, I-I just don't see much of a future for you
two. I don't sense a lasting relationship. And not just because I plan to
kill you. You two have a bumpy road ahead.
Buffy: I don't think we need to talk about this.
Mayor: God, you kids, you know. You don't like to think about the future. You
don't like to make plans. Unless you want Faith to gut your friend like a sea
bass, show a little respect for your elders.
Angel: You're not my elder. I've got a lotta years on you.
Mayor: Yeah, and that's just one of the things you're going to have to deal
with. You're immortal, she's not. It's not. I married my Edna May in
ought-three and I was with her right until the end. Not a pretty picture.
Wrinkled and senile and cursing me for my youth. Wasn't our happiest time.
And let's not forget the fact that any moment of true happiness will turn you
evil. I mean, come on. What kind of a life can you offer her? I don't see a
lot of Sunday picnics in the offing. I see skulking in the shadows, hiding
from the sun. She's a blossoming young girl and you want to keep her from the
life she should have until it has passed her by. My God! I think that's a
little selfish. Is that what you came back from Hell for? Is that your
greater purpose? (he stares at Angel for a moment and then shakes his head in
disgust) Make the trade.
Who Are You
Wilkins: If you're watching this I'm dead And our noble campaign to bring
order to the town of Sunnydale has failed . . . Utterly and completely.
(standing) But on
the other hand, heck! Maybe we won. (laughs as he rounds the desk to
stand in front of it) And right now I'm on some jumbo monitor in the
Richard Wilkins Museum surrounded by a bunch of kids sitting
indian-style and looking up at my face, filled with fear and wonder.
(chuckles and leans forward) Hi, kids! (laughs): But the realist in me tends
to doubt it. Now, Faith, as I record this message you're, uh (expression
shows signs of pain) . . .sleeping. And the doctors tell me that you might
never wake up. I
don't believe that. Sooner or later, you will wake up and when you
do, you'll find the world has gone and changed on you. I wish I could
make the world a better place for you to wake up in, but . . . tough
as it is to accept we both have to understand that even my power to
protect and watch over you has its limits. See the hard pill to
swallow here is that . . . once I'm gone . . your days are just plain
numbered. Now I know, I know you're a--you're a smart and capable
young woman in charge of her own life. But the problem, Faith, is
that, uh, there won't be a place in the world for you anymore. Right
now I bet you're feeling very much alone. But you're never alone.
You'll always have me. And . . . . you'll always have this. (chuckles) Go
Open the box. Don't worry. It's not gonna bite. That's my
job. Go ahead! Open it! Surprise! See, you don't get these in any gumball
machine. When you've been around as long as I have you make friends.
And some of them forge neat little gizmos like the one you're holding
right now. And here's the good news-- just because it's over for my
Faith, doesn't mean she can't go out with a bang.
This Year's Girl
Faith: That's one interpretation. But in my dream, she does it for
a guy-Try it, red, and you lose an arm! I wake up to find that this blonde
chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's
moved on to the
first college beef stick she meets. And not only has she forgotten
the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly
killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars
in a tunnel. But, uh, (steps closer) tell me, college girl. . . what does it
Who Are You?
Faith: (to Spike)'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to
pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? (shrugs) I mean, I
could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. (a beat)
Anyone. Even you, Spike. (voice taking on a sultry tone) I could
ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up.
I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you
until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a
little bit more. And you know why I don't?Because it's wrong.
Spike: We like to talk big. (indicates himself) Vampires do. 'I'm goingto destroy the world.' (looks at the officer) That's just tough guytalk. (steps over to the car) Strutting around with your friends over apint of blood. (sits on the hood) The truth is, I like this world.(pulls the cigarette pack from the officer's shirt pocket) You've got...dog racing, Manchester United. (pulls one out and drops the pack on theofficer) And you've got people. (exhales) Billions of people walkingaround like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. (lights thecigarette and takes a drag) But then someone comes along with a vision.With a real... (exhales) passion for destruction. (takes another dragand looks at Buffy) Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Picadilly.Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?
Spike: She didn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't care enough to cutoff my head or set me on fire. I mean was that so much to ask?You know. Some little sign she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. I told her it didn't mean anything. I was thinking of her the whole time, she didn't care. So we got to Brazil and she was just different. I gave her everything. Beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. she would flirt. I caught her in the park with a chaos demon. A choas demon. Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting. She only did ir to hurt me. so I said "I'm not putting up with this anymore." She said "fine." I said "Yeah I've got an unlife you know." And she said...she said We could still be friends! God I'm so unhappy!
Spike: Whats this? Sitting around watching the telly while theres evil
still a foot. Thats not very industrious of you. I say we go out there
and kick a little demon ass! What, cant go without your Buffy, is that it?
To chicken? Lets find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Come on!
Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Lets annihilate them. For justice - and for - the
safety of puppies and Christmas, right? Lets *fight* that evil! - Lets
*kill* something! Oh, come *on*!
Fool for Love
SPIKE :She was cunning, resourceful... oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced
all night with that one.
BUFFY: You think we're dancing?
SPIKE:And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop.
Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is
today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's
gonna catch you.
And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but
because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make
it with your hands, day after day.That final gasp. That look of peace. Part
of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now
you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you
didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death wish.
Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got
ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all
tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later,
you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens...You know
I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day.Here endeth the
lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.
Willow's getting pretty strong, isn't
she? Bringing you back. Hard to
get a good night's death 'round here.
You can sit, if you want. Got
furniture. You should see the
downstairs, too. Quite posh.
I do remember what I said. The
promise. To protect her. If I'd
done that ... even if I didn't make
it, you wouldn't've had to jump.
I want you to know I did save you.
Not when it counted, of course.
But after that. Every night after that.
I'd see it all again, do something
different. Faster or more clever, you
know? Dozens of times, lots of
different ways ...
Every night I save you.
Spike: I tried to find it.
Buffy: Find what?
Spike: The spark. The missing the piece that fit. That would make me fit. Because you didn't want- I can't. Not with you looking...I dreamed of killing you...I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak? Thinking of you? Holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your- ending? Angel he should have warned me. Makes you think you'll forget it, but it's here for me all the time. The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve. And i got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn.
Buffy: Your soul.
Spike: Bit worse for lack of use.
Buffy: You got your soul back. How?
Spike: It's what you wanted right? It's what you wanted, right? And now everybody is in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I- and him. And it. Whatever. The thing. Beneath. Beneath you. It's here too. Everybody. They all just tell me to go-to go to hell.
Buffy: Why? Why would you do-
Spike: Buffy shame on you. Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would never- to be the kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So eveyhting is ok, right? Can we rest now, Buffy? Can we rest now?
Buffy: What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I
killed you and that didn't help. And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard. And
that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did
it to me. God... I wished that I wished you dead. You know, I can't.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday. It's
what we have to do and we can do it together. But if you're too much of a
coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this
world, I don't know what can. But don't expect me to watch, and don't expect
me to mourn for you because...
BUFFY No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle
because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about
JONATHAN Oh right. Cuz the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a
BUFFY You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on
occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle.
And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain
because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular
ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone.
If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It
looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening.
BUFFY You know, I could've taken that by now.
JONATHAN I know.
BUFFY (holds her hand out) I'd rather do it this way.
BUFFY: There isn't gonna be a review.
BUFFY: No review. No interrogation. No questions you *know* I can't answer.
No hoops, no jumps - (Nigel starts to speak) and no interruptions. See ...
I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just
lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why.
(looks Travers in the eye) Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them.
BUFFY: Glory ... came to my home today.
GILES: (alarmed) Buffy, are you-
BUFFY: (puts her coat on a chair) Just to talk. (resumes pacing) She told me
I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. (stops, looks at
Travers again) Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had
what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why?
(pauses) Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her.
You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I
was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To
give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
NIGEL: This is beyond insolence-
BUFFY: (clears throat) I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.
BUFFY: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin'
Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the
information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're
Insane-O's Home Journal." (Pauses, addresses Travers again) So here's how
it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna
go away. (resumes pacing) You'll contact me if and when you have any further
information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay
here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
GILES: (coughing) Retroactive.
BUFFY: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will
continue my work with the help of my friends...
WATCHER2: I, uh, I ... don't want a sword thrown at me, but, but, civilians,
I - we're talking about children.
BUFFY: (looks up at her friends on the balcony) We're talking about two very
powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
ANYA: Willow's a demon?!
PHILIP: The boy? No power there.
BUFFY: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's
part of the unit.
WILLOW: (whispers to Xander) That's Riley-speak.
XANDER: (whispers back, with a big grin) I've clocked field time.
BUFFY: Now. (addresses the Watchers) You all may be very good at your jobs.
The only way we're gonna find out is if you work with me. You can all take
your time thinking about that. (turns back to Travers) But I want an answer
right now from Quinton, 'cause I think he's understanding me.
TRAVERS: (clears throat) Uh, your terms are acceptable.
BUFFY: See? No biggie.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will *always* love you... But this is the work that I have to do... Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. ..And give my love to my friends... You have to take care of them now. ..You have to take care of each other... You have to be strong... Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. ..Be brave... Live. For me.
Wherever I ... was ... I was happy.
At peace. I knew that everyone
I cared about was all right. I knew it.
Time didn't mean anything, nothing
had form... but I was still me, you
know? And I was warm and I was
loved... and I was finished.
Complete. I don't understand about
dimensions or theology or any of ...
but I think I was in heaven.
And now I'm not.
BUFFY I was torn out of there. My friends
pulled me out. And everything
here is bright and hard and violent...
Everything I feel, everything I touch...
this is Hell. Just getting through the
next moment, and the one after that...
knowing what I've lost ...
They can never know. Never.
Bring on the Night
BUFFY:(solemn) You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run, can't hide, can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is. Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
GILES: Buffy, I—I-I know you're tired.
BUFFY:(resolute) I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now. 'Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions?
Ms. Calendar: Well, I have been surfing the 'Net, looking for
unexplained incidents. You know, people are always sending stuff my way.
They know the occult's my turf. Now, here is the latest. A cat last week
gave birth to a litter of snakes. A family was swimming in Whisper Lake
when the lake suddenly began to boil. And Mercy Hospital last night, a
boy was born with his eyes facing inward. I'm not stupid. This is
apocalypse stuff. And throw in last night's earthquake, and I'd say
we've got a problem. I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh.
Giles: I don't know if I can trust you.
Ms. Calendar: I helped you cast that demon out of the Internet. I think
that merits some trust. Look, I'm scared, okay? Oh, plus, I've got this,
this crazy monk e-mailing me from Cortona about some Anointed One?
Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see ‘em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we,? Helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like, nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask *me* what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline. Exclamation point. Exclamation point, exclamation point. (pause) No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's *such* a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world." *I* could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers ...but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.
"(still looking in mirror, clears throat) Okay. (turns to face Tara) For the last time. 'I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because ... I love you and I'll always love you. And ... before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really...and I had seen what love could do to people, and it was ... hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and ... you knew me. You saw me, and it was this ... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. 'So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do.'
Joyce-Listening to Fear
JOYCE: I wish that someone had bothered to tell me that there would be tennis being played! I just didn't know. Those eyes ... (grimly) Those eyes, they're like gasoline puddles! (quieter) Tell me. Tell me because I need to know why, why are you staring at me like that? What are you asking me? You are asking me, aren't you? Is this a test? And if this counts for the final grade, I need to know now! (Dawn makes faces, not wanting to hear this) Okay, there are teachers, and they put this on the syllabus, but they do not stare down at you, they do not cling, (teary) they do not look down on you.... You know there are people who are nice, and they give you presents, even when you are bad. Does someone know you're here? Because they should have told you that at the gate. You are *not* supposed to be here. I need to rest now. I-I don't like the way you're staring at me! (She pauses for a moment, staring wide-eyed) Did they tell you that at the gate? Stop staring at me, I don't like it!
GREGOR: Poor frightened girl. (she turns back) You've no idea what you've gotten yourself into.
BUFFY: (crosses arms over her chest) Why don't you tell me?
GREGOR: Would it make a difference? What do you know of the beast?
BUFFY: Strong. Fast. Hellgod.
GREGOR: From a dimension of unspeakable torment.
BUFFY: A demon dimension. I know. She ruled with two other hellgods, right?
GREGOR: Along with the beast they were a triumvirate of suffering and despair. Ruling with equal vengeance. But the beast's power grew beyond even what they could conceive. As did her lust for pain and misery. They looked upon her, what she had become ... and trembled.
BUFFY: (nervously) A god afraid?
GREGOR: Such was her power. They feared she would attempt to seize their dimension for herself, and decided to strike first. A great battle erupted. In the end, they stood victorious over the beast ... barely. She was cast out. Banished to this lower plane of existence, forced to live and eventually die trapped within the body of a mortal ... a newborn male, created as her prison. That is the beast's ... only weakness.
BUFFY: Kill the man ... and the god dies.
GREGOR: Unfortunately, the identity of the human vessel has never been discovered.
BUFFY: (puzzled) I don't understand. Now, I've seen Glory. Not a whole lot going on in the hairy chest department.
GREGOR: You have seen a glimpse of the true beast. Her power was too great to be completely contained. She's found a way to escape her mortal prison ... for brief periods, before her energies are exhausted and she's forced back ... into her living cell of meat and bone.
DAWN: (OS) What about me? What about the key?
DAWN: I want to know.
GREGOR: The key ... is almost as old as the beast itself. Where it came from, how it was created ... the deepest of mysteries. All that is certain is that its power is absolute. Countless generations of my people have sacrificed their lives in search of it, to destroy it before its wrath could be unleashed.
DAWN: But the monks found it first.
GREGOR: Yes, and hid it with their magicks.
BUFFY: Why didn't they just destroy it? If the key is as dangerous as-
GREGOR: Because they were fools. They thought they could harness its power for the forces of light. They failed, and paid with their blood.
DAWN: What do I do? What was I created for?
GREGOR: You were created ... to open the gates that separate dimensions. The beast will use your power ... to return home and seize control of the hell she was banished from.
BUFFY: That's it? That's Glory's master plan ... to go home?
GREGOR: You misunderstand. Once the key is activated, it won't just open the gates to the beast's dimension. It's going to open all the gates. The walls separating realities will crumble. Dimensions will bleed into each other. Order will be overthrown and the universe will tumble into chaos ... all dark ... forever.
JONATHAN: We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she, um... (We see the crowd part for Buffy.)
This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, the prom committee asked me to read this. "We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here."
Crowd outbursts: Zombies! Hyena people! Snyder! (laughter)
Jonathan: "But, whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history." (applause from the crowd) "And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class, offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this."
( Jonathan produces a multicolored, glittering, miniature umbrella with a small metal plaque attached to the shaft.) It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector."
CALEB: Well, do you ever think that maybe they were chasing you because you're a whore?
CALEB: Now, I know what you're thinking. Crazy preacher man spoutin' off at the mouth about the whore of Babylon or some-such. That ain't me. I'm not here to lecture you. I mean, what's the point? My words just curdle in your ears. Wouldn't take in a thing. Head's filled with so much filth that ain't no room for words of truth. Well, you know what you are, Shannon? Dirty.
SHANNON: What? I'm not! What're—
CALEB: Now, now, now. There's no blame here. You were born dirty, born without a soul. Born with that gaping maw wants to open up, suck out a man's marrow. Makes me puke to think too hard on it. (Shanon tries for the door) Yeah, that there door's problematical. I don't know as I could recommend steppin' out at this speed anyway. You're like as not to tumble some. But, of course, there's my boys back there—Ooh, they hate to miss a mark.
SHANNON: Your boys?
CALEB: Well, they ain't exactly my "blue eyed boys" but they're hard workers. And they don't truck with Satan—that was just me having fun. Satan is a little man. (Shannon reaches for the steering wheel) I don't like back-seat drivers.
SHANNON: Please...don't hurt me.
CALEB: Well, now, is this the part where you offer to do anything? Because I tried to make it clear—you got nothin' I want to explore. (presses his ring, which he's heated with the cigaratte lighter, into Shanon's kneck, branding her) Oh yeah. That's it! That's a cleansing fire. Hallelujah! Now, if I'm not mistaken, there's a car a little ways behind us, and I do believe there's some folk in it goin' the same place you are. Now, I want you to deliver a message for me, but it's not for them. It's for the other one—the one and only, the original, accept-no-substitutes slayer. Would you tell her something for me?
CALEB: Thank you, Shannon. (takes a knife and stabs Shannon in the stomach, then whispers something in her ear) Now, let's see what we can't do about that door.
CALEB: (voice over) Now, it's a simple story. Stop me if you've heard it. I have found and truly believe that there is nothing so bad it cannot be made better with a story. And this one's got a happy ending. There once was a woman, and she was foul, like all women, for Adam's rib was dirty—just like Adam himself—for what was he, but human. But this woman, she was filled with darkness, despair, and why? Because she did not know. She could not see. (we see him talking to Buffy/First) She didn't know the good news, the glory that was coming. That'd be you. For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever. You show up, they'll get in line. (back to Buffy walking, voice-over) 'Cause they followed her. And all they have to do is take one more step, and I'll kill them all. See? I told you it had a happy ending.
ANDREW: Oh, hello there, gentle viewers. (re: book) You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery—don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs. It was cold last night, and the wind was crew-ell, but the Slayer had a job to do. Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too.
Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready— (there's a knock at the door; Andrew ignores it) ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn. Let's rejoin them now to see—
ANYA: For God's sakes, Andrew. You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
ANDREW: Entertaining and educating.
ANYA: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
ANDREW: Let's explore the world of our story, shall we? This—uh, Buffy lives in Sunnydale, California. (Re: whtie baord) Um, this is the local high school. There's a hellmouth—hellmouth—underneath the high school. See, weird things happen on the hellmouth that attracts all sorts of, uh, bad people and demons and vampires. And now there's this thing in the basement of the high school called the-the seal of Danzal—Danzalthar, and it's sort of a door to the hellmouth. Uh, due to some circumstances it got opened up... a little bit... recently...uh, and this, uh, nasty, nasty vampire thing came out of it. It was, uh, it was just awful, awful. This whole thing— whole thing—is being orchestrated by something called "The First". It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also these guys. They work for the First. We don't know much about them except that they're very ugly and they're very mobile for blind people. Is that all clear?