Author: Kate
Rating: PG
Category: pj
Author's Notes: Since we were cheated out of a lot of PJ scenes this season, I thought I'd write in my own for each episode. They aren't romantic, more of friendship, but I hope you like them! Feedback is appreciated :)
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I thought we were on our way to becoming friends. Drunken ramblings and bonding over boy troubles should always lead to friendship. I was even about to ask her to grab a bite to eat with me. But before I had the chance, she asked me to leave so she could get it on with the guy in her English class who was apparently "hung like a horse." How she knew that already is beyond me, and quite frankly -- I don't have the energy to care.
It's Friday night and I have no intentions of going to the library. I'm on my own -- in college. It's something I never thought I'd see. I will not go to study when I should be out having a good time.
The only problem is, I don't have anyone to have a good time with. Jen's with Charlie, and I have a distinct feeling that not even another man can cut the thick wire that holds Jen and Jack together at the hip. I can't go to Audrey -- she's the reason I'm in this dilemma in the first place. I thought about going to Grams, maybe she could teach me to knit -- Jen likes it. Maybe we could even bake cookies like my mom and I used to do. But then I remember she's at a church gathering.
Even Grams is out having a good time.
So why can't I have fun on my own? 'That's right Joey, that's the attitude. You will have a good time ... alone.' I nod my head assuredly.
I look down at my watch. 8:50. Dinner would be a good idea. There's a deli down the street that Jack loves. I'll go there.
I take confident strides to the door. I'm not the same cowering girl from Capeside who always had to have Pacey or Dawson with me. And I'm going to prove that to myself tonight.
I place my order and wait patiently to hear my name called. When it is, I take my food and walk outside to sit on the benches. I cross my legs and place the food in my lap. It doesn't take long for me to realize why Jack loves this place so much.
As I get up to throw the trash away, I hear a couple near me talking.
"Come on, please."
I pause immediately, I'll always know that voice.
She laughed, "No, I told you, I can't. I have to meet my parents."
"Are you saying you'd rather spend the night at your parents house than with me on my boat?"
I know that tone of voice. That playfulness. I know without a doubt he's waggling his eyebrows and leering.
"Oh Pacey, stop being such a baby. You'll make it one night without me. You have before."
I hear him sigh in resignation. "Alright, fine. I give up. Go be with your parents."
"Oh cheer up, Pace." She laughs. And then the dreadful kiss. The dreadfully long and noisy kiss.
I hear their goodbyes and I'm incapable of moving. He's kissed someone else. He's slept with someone else. He's moving on with his life.
I like to think I've been moving on with my life too ... I am, I know I am. I just don't like the thought of him with someone. Him kissing another girl and not thinking of me. Him touching someone and not pretending for just a second it's me.
Then, it hits me. The one thing I've been the most afraid of. I don't know him anymore. It was rare I went two days without seeing him growing up, and now -- three months being away from him -- I can't seem to remember the things I thought I always would. I wonder if he feels the same way.
I hate this feeling. It's like an empty, bottomless pit in my stomach.
I quickly throw my trash away and turn to walk back home. This night was a stupid idea. What made me think I was ready to do anything like this? I'm still calling Bessie and Bodie on a daily basis. I'm far from independent. Now I just feel fifteen and stupid.
"Jo?" Just hearing his voice makes sudden, unwanted tears to spring to my eyes.
I turn around, "Hey." Just looking at him, I can tell he knows I heard them.
"Look, I don't know what you heard, but she's ... "
"Don't worry about it, Pace. We haven't been together for months. It's none of my business."
"I know ... but if I saw you with someone ... I don't know what I'd feel."
I shrug. I don't know what else to do. This isn't what I wanted when I went out tonight.
"Come here." He motions to the bench I was just occupying.
My body screamed, wanting to tell him that I no longer belonged to him. But something pushed me forward.
I follow him and take a seat. "It was supposed to be different." He says.
I look at him, and he looks so melancholy. I feel bad for him for a second. I know exactly what he's feeling. But then I hear his voice in the back of my mind, telling me he loves me. Then I hear it again, begging her to stay the night with him.
"It was inevitable." I say harshly. "We're different people. It wasn't always going to be like it was last year or even when we were kids. I'm not the same girl who ran after you junior year and begged you to take me with you or who helped you go over your lines for your play. And I'm not the same girl who gave myself to you last year.
"And you're not the same person who bought me a wall, took me sailing, or showed me what true love really was." I stop and soften my tone, "And you're not the same person who told me I was the love of your life."
"You don't know that." He says after a minute.
"Then why're you with that girl?"
He sighs and I can't tell if he's annoyed with me or simply doesn't know what to say. "I'm just having a good time."
"So you didn't have a good time with me?"
"I never said that. I loved every minute I was with you till the end when it started to hurt us both. Whatever I have with this girl isn't much more than a fling. I needed something like this before I can even think about asking you to go sailing with me again."
"You would ask me?"
"I already told you I would."
I smile up at him and those tears that came when I first saw him slowly make their way down my cheek. He takes me hand and rubs it between his, squeezing it before letting it go after a few moments. "We may not be together now -- or even want to be or ready to be ... but I know that one day we will."
I give him a small smile before telling him goodbye. And this time, it isn't so hard.
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