Homeless Once More, Part Sixteen
By Cathy Roberts
glroberts@bigfoot.com
A John Carter story, rated M15.

"ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No
infringement of their copyright is intended. This story
was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and
may be downloaded for your own pleasure. However this
story may not be used, distributed or archived without the
permission of the author.

The last episode seen was "Sticks and Stones"

A big thank you to Melissa, my editor who tries her best to keep me in line.



By the time that the Carter family, minus Chase, arrived at the hospital, John
was in surgery. Kerry, Mark and Hugh McIntyre, who had been called in by Kerry,
met them in the ER.

"How bad is it?" Roland asked. He had his arm around Jenny. "Kerry wasn't able
to give me a lot of details on the phone."

"John was shot twice and he took an overdose of morphine. We were able to pump
out his stomach before he had to go to surgery and discovered that the pills had
not completely dissolved. They were slow release tablets, but he still ended up
with a rather large amount of morphine in his system because of the number of
pills he took. He was shot in the chest and abdomen, and from the x-rays, it
does not appear as if any major organs were damaged. Dr. Benton took him up to
surgery so I can take you to the OR waiting room." Mark informed them. He didn't
feel that the family needed to know just how close they had come to losing John
on the morphine overdose, despite the fact they were slow release tablets. Even
now, knowing that they had successfully neutralized the drugs in John's system,
Mark felt that it had been too close of a call. If John would have been alone,
then he would have died just from the overdose.

"What exactly happened? Kerry, you didn't mention anything about an overdose on
the phone. Are you telling me that John was trying to kill himself?" Roland
looked from Kerry to Mark, waiting for an answer, his grip on Jenny tightening
as he spoke.

Mark nodded, "Yes, sir. That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you. Why don't we
go into the lounge for a few minutes and I can tell you what I now know."

"Fine."

The Carters went into the lounge, followed by Dr. McIntyre.

"I guess they want the whole family to hear this." Mark said to Kerry.

"It looks that way," Kerry replied. She went to tell Randi that she and Mark
would be in the lounge, then the two went in.

"Okay, Dr. Greene, you can tell us what happened," Roland said. He and Jenny
were sitting on the couch, Barbara between them. All three were holding hands.
The rest of the family was scattered around the room, some sitting and some
standing.

"Dr. Doyle, who has worked with John for the past few years, was out driving
with her father. Her father asked her to pull over because he thought he saw
someone sitting near the road. It turned out to be John. He asked Maggie for a
ride home and she agreed. On the way back into Chicago, she was able to talk him
into coming here as opposed to the house. When she parked, he wanted to stay in
the car. She came down here and told Dr. Benton and me that she had brought John
in with her and where she had found him. She felt he was...not disoriented, but
definitely out of sorts. Apparently, after Dr. Doyle left him, John found her
gun. He also took eleven morphine pills, which were left over from when he had
dislocated his shoulder." Maggie had admitted to Mark and Kerry that she had
given an entire packet of pills to John the night he dislocated his shoulder.
After the attack had occurred, she had forgotten about the pills. So far, the
police had not asked any questions about where or how John had obtained the
morphine.

Mark continued, "According to Dr. Doyle, John was aware that she kept the gun in
her car because he had gone with her on more than one occasion to the shooting
range. He also knew that she kept the bullets locked away. He got out of the
car, but must have been trying to get back inside, because when he was spotted
by hospital security, he was attempting to open the car door. They didn't see
the gun at first, but when they did see that he was armed, they drew their guns.
By that time, Dr. Doyle, Dr. Benton and I had arrived. I couldn't convince John
to put down the gun and come back to the ER with me. He told me that he couldn't
go on living the way he was.

What had happened was finally hitting home for Mark and he had to pause in order
to compose himself before he could continue. "John then pointed the gun at one
of the security men and advanced on him. Both men shot him at the same time. We
immediately worked to stop the bleeding, but John kept trying to push us away.
He told us to leave him alone and just let him die. We could tell that he had
taken something, but we didn't know what, and he refused to tell us. After we
got him down here and were able to work on him, one of the nurses found the
empty morphine packet in his coat pocket. I'm sorry. I know this is a Hell of a
thing to have happen on Christmas Day. All I can tell you right now is that Dr.
Benton seemed confident that the surgery would be successful and that John would
pull through all right."

"Until the next time he tries to commit suicide," Robert Carter said.

"Hopefully, there won't a next time," Hugh McIntyre said.

"I don't see where you've done anything that might have prevented this attempt,
so I do not see how you can make that statement," Robert replied. "John has been
your patient for over a month and he has made no progress at all."

"John is not the most cooperative patient, Mr. Carter. I think it's a big deal
that he shows up for his appointments, but he only does that because he'll be
transferred out of the ER if he doesn't."

"I don't understand how something like this could happen. John was so angry with
me when he left the house. How could he become suicidal so fast?" Barbara asked.

"Honey, this wasn't the first time that John has tried to kill himself," Jenny
gently told her.

"It isn't? You never said anything to me about that." Barbara was upset that her
parents would keep something like that from her.

"They didn't tell us, either," Robert sternly said.

"A lot has happened in the past few months that we haven't told you about."
Roland admitted. "Mainly because I was ashamed of something I did to him. Then
he was attacked and we've just been so caught up in dealing with that ordeal
that we just haven't gotten around to bringing you up to date on things."

"I think that's important to remember that John was already depressed prior to
his attack," McIntyre said. "What happened to him only intensified his
depression."

"Then why did you release him from the hospital? Wouldn't he have been better
off staying here?" Robert asked.

"No," McIntyre replied, "he would not have been better off staying here. The
mere fact that he was anxious to leave the hospital and return to work was a
good sign. A lot of people experience brutal attacks and only want to hide away
from the world. Now, I do know that John was doing that when he wasn't at work,
but to the best of my knowledge, he didn't to that while he was working."

Mark nodded, "There was nothing wrong with the level of care he was giving
patients. It was only during breaks or after hours that we noticed that his
recovery wasn't as complete as he wanted us to believe."

"So, you're saying that John tried to kill himself before he was attacked?"
Barbara asked, trying to get this all straight in her mind.

"That's correct," McIntyre said.

Barbara looked angrily at her father, "Just what did you do to him that would
make him want to die?"

"Excuse me, but that isn't really fair to Roland. John's depression was not
caused by what his father did. He's been depressed since the summer," Kerry
said. She didn't know for sure whom the woman was that was sitting there between
Jenny and Roland. She suspected it was Barbara, John's sister. Even so, it
wasn't fair of her to blame Roland for what John did.

Barbara now turned her anger toward Kerry. "Just because you might work with
John, that doesn't mean you know everything about him."

"I may be John's supervisor, but I'm also his landlady. He's been living with me
since November, and I've been working with him for the past four years. I think
I know him well enough by now to be able to tell when he's depressed."

"Well, you certainly missed the fact that he was suicidal, didn't you?" Barbara
snapped back.

"Yes, I did. I've been doing the best job I can watching over him. In case
you've never noticed, it's damn near impossible to get John to talk about
something once he's decided to end the conversation. He was fine this morning.
We exchanged gifts. He didn't appear depressed until we began to talk about the
fact that he was spending Christmas Day with his family. He simply did not want
to go. John's carrying around a lot of undeserved guilt regarding what happened
with his cousin Chase and he knew that not only would Chase be there, but also
Chase's parents. He also hasn't forgotten the fact that his grandparents blamed
him for Chase's condition." Kerry suddenly stopped speaking, very much aware
that everyone was watching her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure I have other things to do." She started to walk away, then
realized that she was still holding onto the bag that held John's personal
effects. She put the bag down by the couch. "These are John's personal effects.
His clothes and wallet. Keys. A piece of broken glass. Excuse me."

Kerry hurried out, not caring if she looked dignified or not. She headed
straight for the ladies room, looking for solitude. A quick scan of the stalls
let her know that she was alone. She looked at herself in the mirror, wondering
if she had, indeed, missed some sign that John had been planning to kill himself
as early as that morning. A solitary tear trickled down her cheek and she braced
herself on the sink, telling herself that she couldn't afford the luxury of
tears. With Mark tied up with the Carter family, she had to be prepared to
handle anything that might come in. She had not been prepared to see them
bringing John in on a gurney. She had not been prepared for the blood, nor for
the fact that Mark had to have John's stomach pumped out. She had not been
prepared for the fact that John wanted to die. Oh, it was a feeling that she had
felt herself on more than one occasion. But, it was certainly one that she
didn't think John would feel. He had seemed stronger than that lately. Somehow
or another, she had let his previous attempt at suicide slip her mind. She had
not really taken it seriously. She should have. She should have been a better
friend to John and known how he was feeling. A sob escaped her throat as the
tears began full force. She pounded the sink with her fists, angry with herself
over crying and angry with John for wanting to die and leave them all behind.
She glanced up as two strong arms enfolded her and she allowed herself to be
held tightly against the ample chest of Haleh. "You go on and get it all out,
Dr. Weaver. It'll do you good to cry." The older woman gently stroked her hair
as she cried her heart out.

It wasn't until her tears had subsided and Haleh passed her a paper towel that
she noticed Haleh had been crying as well.

"Thank you," Kerry said.

"I think we both needed a chance to cry. I think that all of us have come to
care for Carter quite a lot."

"He's a wonderful person and he deserves to be happy. I don't understand why
this happened. I should have known that he was this depressed."

"Did he tell you?" Haleh asked.

"No. He keeps telling me that he's fine."

"Then how are you supposed to know that he's depressed enough to commit suicide?
We aren't mind readers, Dr. Weaver, and we can't help people unless they tell us
what's really going on with them."

Kerry took a deep breath, knowing in her mind that Haleh was right. It was her
heart that couldn't believe it. She splashed some water on her face, then
scowled at her reflection. She looked like death warmed over, but her make-up
was in her locker and she wasn't' quite prepared to go back into the lounge. At
least, not while the Carter family was still in there. Well, there was no one at
work she really wanted to impress anyway, she thought as she and Haleh headed
out of the bathroom.



Barbara had decided she had heard more than enough about what had been going on
with her brother, so she left the lounge to go outside and have a cigarette. She
felt guilty as she lit up, knowing that John wouldn't approve. He hated the idea
that she smoked, but it was a habit that she just couldn't seem to shake. Could
be worse, she thought, she could have turned to drugs like Chase had done.

Barbara noticed she wasn't the only person standing out in the cold just to have
a smoke. A tall brunette was leaning against the building, her body language
very plainly telling others that she wished to be left alone. She was wearing a
white lab coat, so Barbara figured she must be a doctor or technician of some
kind. She wondered if the woman knew her brother, then told herself that was a
dumb question. If she worked in the Emergency Room, then of course she would
know John. A gust of wind sent a shiver down her spine and she mentally kicked
herself for being stupid enough to go outside without a coat.

"Aren't you cold?" Barbara asked the other woman. That lab coat couldn't offer
that much protection from the wind.

"I'm all right."

"Are you a doctor?"

Maggie nodded, "Yeah. I'm a doctor. I don't know how much longer that will last,
but for now, I am."

"Oh? You're not thinking about quitting, are you?"

Maggie shook her head, "No. But, it might be better if I did. So, are you here
with someone?"

"My family."

"We see that a lot," Maggie commented.

"I'll bet you do. John says that the hardest thing he ever has to do is to tell
someone's family that he couldn't save the one they love."

"John? You know Carter?

"He's my brother. Why? Do you work with him?"

Maggie nodded, "Yeah. So, you must be Barbara." Maggie took a drag of the
cigarette. "I'm Maggie Doyle. It's my fault that he's hurt. It was my gun."

Barbara didn't know what to say to that admission. One part of her wanted to
agree with the woman that she was at fault. Another part of her knew that John
had been the one responsible for his own actions.

"You shouldn't blame yourself for that."

"I'm also the one who gave him the morphine."

"Boy, you really like digging yourself into a hole, don't you?" Barbara asked.
"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because I feel so guilty that he's in surgery now. I simply did not remember
that he had that much morphine. If anything, I would have assumed that Kerry
would have taken it away from him when they moved. But, I never even thought
about it. That was wrong and I know it. And today, well, I knew he was in rough
shape, that was why I brought him to the hospital and didn't take him home,
which is what he wanted at first. I was aware that he knew I kept a gun in my
car. And I also know that he knew that gun wasn't loaded when he pointed it at
those guards and then at Mark Greene. John wanted to die up there. I had left
him alone in the car at his request, but we went right back to get him the
minute I told Greene and Benton about the condition John was in. We just weren't
fast enough. I should have taken him home, or else made him tell me where he had
been before we found him on the side of the road."

"John had a rather large and sharp looking piece of broken glass in his
possession. He also had the morphine. If you would have taken him home and left
him there, then he would definitely be dead, because there would not have been
anyone there to help him. You did the right thing by bringing him here, even if
he did end up being shot. At least now, he has a chance to live."

"If he wants it," Maggie whispered. In her entire life, she had never known
anyone who wanted to die. Never. It wasn't a feeling that she ever wanted to
have again, knowing that a friend was in so much pain that death was preferable
to living. But, the worst part, was feeling so helpless about her inability to
help John.

"He has to want it. I don't think that anyone in this family is prepared to lose
him. I think that Mom would be destroyed if John died. And Dad would never be
the same either."

"I have never heard John talk about his family in a happy way. He's always
either wary or sad whenever he discusses his parents or grandparents. I don't
think he's mentioned you much. He talks about Bobby a lot."

Barbara smiled weakly, "I don't have as many memories of Bobby as John does.
John was only two years younger than Bobby and they were close. Very close. That
much I do remember. But, even as a child, John was the more sensitive of the
two. After Bobby died, I wanted to be closer to John, but it never ended up
happening. It's difficult to build a strong relationship with someone when
you're stuck in a boarding school. The girls were in one building and the boys
in another. Since we weren't the same age, we didn't have any of the same
classes, so we didn't really get to see each other that much while we were at
school. And when we did, I usually felt sad afterward, because John was so very
sad about being there. I was trying to make friends and get along and John was
wasting away, wanting to be with our parents. It was plain to me that we were no
longer wanted or needed by them and I just couldn't understand why he refused to
accept that. He spent his time trying to find ways to get them to come and see
us, to want to see us. To be proud of us. John was disappointed often. Me, I
felt that if they didn't give a damn about me, then I wasn't going to waste my
time giving a damn about them or anything else for that matter." A single tear
ran down her cheek, "I think I've failed at that, because I care about John. I'm
not so sure about my parents, but I do love John. I can't stand the thought of
losing him."

"None of us can." Maggie agreed. "I suppose I should get back in there. I'm sure
that Dr. Anspaugh is ready to hand down my punishment."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Dr. Anspaugh is the Chief of Staff, so he would make the final decision as to
whether or not I'm going to keep my job after all this. I gave out narcotics to
John without a prescription and that's a big no-no. We both can face criminal
charges over that one. Then there's the matter of having my gun on hospital
property - I don't even know if that's against the rules or not. I never
bothered checking, it was just something I did."

"I'm sorry. I hope you don't lose your job."

"I feel the same way about John."

"Are you saying that he could lose his job?"

Maggie nodded, "Not because of trying to kill himself, but because he pulled a
gun on security."

"They can't fire him. John has wanted to be a doctor ever since he was a child.
To be denied that would completely destroy him."

"I hope it doesn't come to that. I'll certainly try to make Anspaugh see that it
shouldn't be an option. Thanks for listening to me and not tearing my hair out.
I know this must be very difficult for you. For all of you."

"Thank you. Good luck." Barbara stayed outside for a few minutes more, then went
in to rejoin her parents, who were now ready to go up to the waiting room on the
surgical floor.

Barbara approached Mark. "I understand that John might lose his job because of
what he did today."

Mark nodded, "It's a possibility, but I'm going to do everything in my power to
see to it that it doesn't happen. John is an excellent doctor and I don't want
to lose him in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, we have a meeting
with Dr. Anspaugh in an hour to discuss his situation."

"And what about Maggie Doyle's situation?"

"I can't comment on that right now. If you'll excuse me, Ms. Carter, I have to
get back to work now. I'm sure that John will pull through surgery just fine. If
you hurry, you can catch up to your family at the elevators."

Mark left the lounge and Barbara did indeed, catch up to her family before they
went upstairs.



John could hear a steady beeping sound and a low murmur of voices as he
struggled to open his eyes to see where he was. He blinked against the overhead
lights, then turned his head slightly, seeing a heart monitor not far from the
bed he was laying on. He also saw two IVs suspended from a stand, their tubes
leading down to his arm. He briefly wondered why he was in the hospital, then he
heard a woman's voice telling someone that he was awake. As Benton came within
his line of vision, it all came back to him. The desire to die. Trying to make
sure that his suicide attempt would not fail. Then remembering that the gun
wasn't loaded. Having Mark Greene try to talk him out of what he was doing.
Finally, the burning sensation as the bullets entered his body. And hovering
over him, trying to keep him alive, Peter Benton, Mark Greene and Maggie Doyle.
He was not dead after all. Another failure.

Tears slipped out of his eyes and ran down the sides of his head as he realized
that he had probably destroyed the only thing that had any meaning for him
anymore - his career as a doctor. If he had failed to die, then his life was now
worthless, because he knew they would never let him work here again.

"Hey, it's going to be all right, John," Peter said as he reached for his hand.

John closed his eyes against his tears and the relief that was on Peter's face.
Why should Peter be happy that he wasn't dead? Another voice asked a question of
Peter and he felt Peter let go of his hand. He opened his eyes and saw that
Peter was now talking with Anspaugh. Well, he wasn't in the clear yet, he
thought as he reached to tear out his I.V.

"Whoa. Not today, John." Strong hands pulled his weaker hands back and he
recognized Dale Edson's voice. Great, he thought. Is everyone I've ever worked
with standing around me?

"Dr. Edson, if he tries to remove his I.V. again, then I want him in
restraints," Anspaugh said. "Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir. Did you hear him, John? I don't want to have to do that to you, okay?
Now, how about if we extubate you? I'm sure you know the drill."

With the tube removed from his throat, John could feel just how dry his mouth
and throat were and Dale held a straw to his mouth. "Just a little bit now.
Enough to get rid of the dryness. God, John, you really gave us all a scare
today."

That had to be the closest that John had ever heard Dale Edson come to admitting
that he might be human. He ignored him. His chest and abdomen hurt and he
remembered that's where he had been shot. He could feel the bandages that
covered the stitches - they itched. He wondered if they would give him anything
for the pain, maybe even trust him with a PCA? Probably not.

"We'll move you to ICU in a few more minutes." Benton was back, smiling at him.
What a strange day - Benton smiling and Dale sounding like a human being. "Your
parents want to see you."

John shook his head. He was not prepared to see his parents. Not at all. "I
don't want to see them."

Benton looked over at someone, but John was too weary to turn his head to see
who it was. He closed his eyes, wishing that he could turn back the hand of time
and make sure that he had bullets in Maggie's gun before he ever got out of her
car.

Benton looked back over at Hugh McIntyre. "Do you want me to talk to his
family?"

"I think we can both talk to them. Any idea about how long he'll be out this
time?"

Dale spoke up. "I just gave him his pain medication, so he should be out for at
least two hours."

Hugh nodded, "I don't see why his parents can't see him while he's still out. If
they want to see him, then that's the only way it's going to happen."

Benton nodded his agreement, then stepped aside so Dale and Elizabeth could move
John out of the recovery room. "You will be meeting with Anspaugh, right?"

"About what to do in regards to this entire situation?"

Benton nodded.

"Yes. I'll be meeting with Anspaugh, Lee, Greene and Weaver. I think that the
fact that John was already in therapy will help me convince the others that he
should not be fired."

Benton nodded, "I hope that you're successful, although I can't see Kerry Weaver
arguing for his dismissal. Mark either. I'm not too sure about Anspaugh though.
He's pretty upset over the entire situation."

"He just left a meeting with security. There will be criminal charges filed
against John. Again, I hope that the fact that he was already in therapy will
help. Shall we go see his family now?"

"Yeah. Might as well get it over with. I can't say that I'm all that eager to
meet his entire family, though."

Hugh smiled as he remembered the way Robert Carter had verbally attacked him
earlier. "Oh, they're a wonderful bunch of people, Dr. Benton. I don't think
I've ever had the pleasure of seeing so many dysfunctional people in one place
before. I could build a lucrative career on the Carter family."

"In that case, the sooner we update them on John's condition, the sooner I can
get away from them."

They headed for the waiting area.



Jenny Carter was struggling with her increasing desire to scream. She knew that
if Robert said anything about John that she would loose all control, and she
really didn't care. So far, Robert was keeping himself occupied on the
telephone. She had no idea who he would find to talk to on Christmas Day. Roland
would know, because he, Branch and Robert would confer between the phone calls.
It must be business related, she thought, they are doing business on Christmas
Day after all that's happened - doing business despite the fact that her
remaining son had tried to kill himself. She still couldn't quite get over her
shock at that. Despite the fact that she had been worried about John's mental
and emotional condition, she had not thought him to be suicidal any longer. How
could she have been so blind to his feelings? Of all people, she should have
known. She should have seen the warning signs and been able to prevent it.

She felt Barbara squeeze her hand, "Mom, the doctors are heading this way."

Jenny looked up as Peter Benton and Hugh McIntyre entered the waiting area. The
minute she had heard that Peter was operating on John, she had been confident
that John would make it through the surgery. Looking at Peter's face, she could
see that she had been right to trust in his abilities.

Roland left his father and came to sit by her side once more. "How is John?"

"He's out of surgery. The surgery went well, with no complications. Barring any
unforeseen complications, he should make a full recovery. He's been taken to the
Intensive Care Unit for the next twelve hours. After that, he'll be moved to a
regular room."

"On the psychiatric floor?" Jenny asked.

"Yes," Hugh replied. "I'm sure that he'll be upset about that, but it is
standard protocol under the circumstances. Plus, it should help him as far as
the legal ramifications are concerned."

"What legal ramifications?" Millicent asked.

"John can be arrested for what he did," Jenny replied. It was something she had
not wanted to think about.

"For trying to commit suicide? That's outrageous."

"Mother, John is facing serious charges because he pulled a gun on the security
officers. The hospital can also press charges against him." Roland explained.

"John was obviously not in a normal state of mind today. They will have to take
that into account," Millicent stated.

"I'm sure they will, Mrs. Carter. I will do everything I can to convince the
hospital to not press charges or to fire him. We will be discussing the
situation later today," Hugh said.

"You might want to remind them that the clinic, which is being run so
successfully out of the Emergency Room, was begun by money from the Carter
Foundation."

"I'm sure they are well aware of that fact, Mrs. Carter. But, if I need to, I
will remind them," Hugh replied.

"We've been on the phone with a criminal lawyer and some friends of ours who are
on the police force. Inspector Garcia managed to get some obstruction of justice
charges dropped before, and he has promised to do what he can to help John
again."

Peter nodded. He had wondered how things had turned out after John had been
arrested before. There wasn't a single doctor at the hospital who agreed that
the charges had any merit. Peter was glad to discover that John had not been
prosecuted for his attempt to protect his patient. He didn't think that John
would be as lucky this time.

"When can we see him?" Jenny asked.

"Now would be a good time, but I'm afraid that only you and Mr. Carter can go
now. John has been given medication for pain and he's sound asleep. He was
insistent that he didn't want to see you, so if you want to see him, it will
have to be now, while he's not aware of your presence," Peter said.

"Can we go now? I don't want to take the chance that he'll awaken before we can
see him," Roland said.

"Sure. I'll take you back there now." Roland and Jenny left with Peter.

"I need to go now as well. If any of you would like to speak with someone about
what has happened, then I can refer you to one of our other staff
psychiatrists," Hugh said.

Barbara managed a smile, "Are you saying that you can only handle one Carter at
a time?"

"That's pretty much the truth, Ms. Carter," Hugh smiled back at her. "Seriously
though, I would consider it to be a potential conflict of interest since John
was my patient first."

"Thank you for your offer, Dr. McIntyre. You just might be hearing from some of
us," Branch said. He ignored his father's perturbed expression. He knew all too
well how his father felt about psychiatry, but this, like so many other issues,
was something they did not see eye to eye on.

Hugh gave Branch his card, then left to attend the meeting in Anspaugh's office.



Seeing John after the attack had been rough for Roland and Jenny, but seeing him
now was even tougher. A heart monitor was steadily beeping, showing that while
John's heartbeat wasn't yet what it should be, it was still there and getting
stronger. An automatic blood pressure cuff machine was keeping track of John's
pulse. The other equipment which was hooked up to their son was there to
facilitate his recovery - oxygen, two I.V. bags, one filled with fluids and the
other with antibiotics. A catheter and tubes to drain fluids from his body. John
was pale, so much so that the dark circles under his eyes looked like bruises.
With only a sheet covering his body up to the waist, it was obvious how
painfully thin John had become.

As Roland and Jenny approached John's bed, the two doctors who had been by his
side moved away to give them some privacy.

Jenny gently stroked John's cheek. "Oh, Roland, how could something like this
happen? I thought we were carefully watching over him, but we missed this. He
didn't seem so depressed today. He was so pleased that Chase is making
progress."

"He was pleased. But, earlier, on the way over, he was very despondent about
Chase's condition. Before that, he didn't even want to come out to the house. I
ended up having to threaten him in order to get him to come." Roland took a deep
breath, "Maybe I was wrong to do that. I keep thinking that if I would have left
him alone, then he wouldn't be here like this."

"Or maybe he would be laying dead in his room now. He's alive, Roland, that's
what we have to concentrate on. That, and finding some way to make him want to
stay that way."

Roland nodded his agreement, then he found the courage to ask Jenny a question
that he had wanted to ask for a long time.

"What made you want to live?"

"Mom made me see that I had a lot to live for. I had John and Barbara, who
needed me and loved me. I had you. My life was not over just because Bobby had
died, even though I felt as if a part of me had died with him. My grief kept me
from seeing that others loved me and needed me. Without being able to
acknowledge that fact, it was so easy to want to die."

"So you decided to live for us?"

"No. I decided to live for me, because I wanted to spend my life with the three
of you."

Roland grasped John's hand, "And then I kept you away from the children."

"You were only doing what you thought you had to do, Roland. I can see now that
I should have never let you get away with that, but at the time, it was just too
easy to let you have your way and not fight with you. We're both at fault for
the fact that our children feel as if we abandoned them."

"I've been trying to rectify that, Jenny. John just won't trust me."

"It's difficult for him. We need to give him time to realize that we are here to
stay."

"So, we need to find a reason for John to live."

"No, Roland. John is the only person who has to do that. But, we can certainly
give him a push in the right direction."

"Excuse me, but your time is up now," Peter quietly said from behind them.

"Thank you for letting us see him. We can find our own way out," Roland said.

Jenny leaned over and kissed John's cheek, then they returned to the waiting
area.

Peter, Dale, and Elizabeth returned to John's bedside.

"I don't want John waking up alone," Peter ordered.

"I'll stay with him," Dale offered.

Peter looked at him intently. There had never been any love lost between Dale
and John. They weren't even that friendly to each other at times. "You don't
need to do that. Elizabeth is my intern and she can stay."

"I want to stay with him, Dr. Benton. Look, I know that John and I aren't
friends, but we did work together. I would just feel better if I can stay." The
truth was that Dale had been appalled at John's physical condition. He knew he
didn't see John around work that much, just occasional glimpses if he happened
to be on call for the E.R., but John's thinness was a shock to him. He found
himself wondering how it was that those who worked with John every day had not
noticed how bad he looked. He obviously wasn't getting enough rest and that had
to have contributed to his suicide attempt. At least John hadn't thrown himself
in front of a train the way Dennis Gant had. From what he had heard, there had
never really been any chance of saving Gant's life. John had been lucky that the
security guards had not shot to kill.

Peter nodded, "Okay. Page me if you need me."

He walked out of the ICU, Elizabeth at his side.

"I guess that meeting has already begun," he said.

"Probably. What do you think will happen?"

"I don't know. I know that if they fire John or find some other way to keep him
from working, that it will destroy him. Work has been the only thing that's been
keeping his head above water lately. They can't take it away from him,
Elizabeth. They simply can't do that."

"I'm sure that Mark and Kerry will do everything they can to make sure that
doesn't happen, Peter."

"I know they will. I just don't know how Anspaugh feels about the subject. He
didn't say anything about it when he joined us in surgery."

"I think the fact that he wanted to assist in the surgery says quite a lot about
how Dr. Anspaugh feels. We just have to believe that things will work out all
right for John."

"I'm trying my best to believe that, I really am."



Much to Anspaugh's credit, he did not agree with the Chief of Security that John
Carter should be fired and have additional charges brought against him. Anspaugh
conceded that the Security Chief had valid concerns, but pointed out that John
had not been trying to harm anyone but himself. Even Amanda Lee had joined
Anspaugh in trying to convince the Security Chief to not pursue the matter.
Hugh, Mark and Kerry didn't have to say or do anything since Anspaugh and Amanda
did all of the talking. The Chief finally relented, agreeing to back Anspaugh's
decision, no matter what it finally ended up being.

"Of course, I still need to speak to the members of the hospital's Board of
Directors. I have already requested a meeting for tomorrow morning. I would like
to have something in hand to appease their desire to punish Dr. Carter. That
should forestall any attempts to fire him."

"I would think a stipulation that he has to continue with psychiatric treatment
for at least a year would help," Amanda said.

"Agreed." Mark nodded.

Kerry frowned, but she nodded, knowing that John would hate them all for that.

Everyone looked at McIntyre, waiting for his answer. "You can require that from
him. It won't mean that he'll cooperate with me. Hell, he barely cooperates with
me now. I can only hope that this incident will change that."

Anspaugh wrote down the stipulation. "What about a suspension? I don't think
that the Board is going to be inclined to let him get away with threatening to
harm other hospital personnel, even if the gun wasn't loaded and he knew it."

"For how long?" Mark asked.

"Well, he should be out on sick leave for about a month, so I think a four week
suspension should be adequate," Amanda said.

That made everyone smile and Anspaugh wrote that down as well. "I think this
might be enough. I can't do anything about any charges the police decide to
pursue though."

"I think that John's family is already handling that," Hugh said.

Anspaugh nodded, "Hopefully, he won't get arrested again."

"What about Maggie Doyle?" Kerry asked. Maggie had already met with Anspaugh and
Lee, and left by the time she and Mark had arrived for the meeting.

"She's going to be suspended for five weeks. We have agreed to overlook the fact
that she dispensed narcotics without a prescription. She has also promised to
not bring her gun onto hospital property again, even though the hospital does
not presently have a policy regarding firearms. I think that the Board will
rectify that tomorrow as well," Anspaugh said.

"Well, if there's nothing else, we need to get back to work. Donald, thanks for
being so understanding about John." Mark stood to leave.

"Dr. Carter is an asset to this hospital. I didn't agree to let him switch
residencies just to end up losing him over something that he had so little
control over. I realize that if it wasn't for the entire Litvak fiasco that
nothing would have happened today."

Mark caught Kerry's eye and they both silently acknowledged the fact that John
had been suicidal before Litvak had attacked him. But, Anspaugh didn't need to
know that.

"I'll walk down with you guys," Amanda said. "I'm sure you could use some extra
hands downstairs now that Doyle has been suspended."

The three doctors returned to the Emergency Room and Anspaugh sat down to plan
his strategy for dealing with the Board of Directors.



When John awoke again, he was still in the ICU and Dale was seated by his bed.

"How do you feel, John?" he asked.

"My mouth is still dry," John hoarsely whispered. It hurt his chest to breath,
let alone talk. He deserved all the pain he was feeling, he reminded himself.

"That is something we can easily take care of." Dale held a straw and cup up to
John's lips and encouraged him to take small sips of the water. When John felt
as if he had enough, he relaxed back onto his pillow and Dale put the cup on the
table.

"How am I?"

"Your pulse is good and your blood pressure is normal. So far, there's no sign
of infection. You'll be here for about another six hours as a precautionary
measure."

"And then they'll lock me up again," John dully said. He knew better than to try
to delude himself that he would be put in an ordinary room on an ordinary floor.

"I haven't heard yet where you'll go," Dale lied. He didn't want his patient
becoming more despondent.

"I know." John wondered if it might just be possible that McIntyre would not put
him in the lock down section. If not, then there might be a way he could get out
of the room. He had done it before and he felt confident he could do so again.
Once out of his room, he could leave the hospital and go someplace where he
couldn't be found. He could die in peace. He had nothing to live for now. His
actions on the roof of the parking garage had pretty much made his job and
career history. County General would discharge him and no other hospital would
hire him now. He was too ashamed to face his family and he knew that Mark Greene
must be angry with him because of the way he had acted. John couldn't really
blame him for that.

"What time is it?" he asked, wondering if it might be possible to leave a
message for Mark, letting him know how sorry he was about what he had done.

Dale checked his watch, "Almost two."

"In the morning?" It was too late to leave a message.

"Yeah."

"They're going to fire me, aren't they, Dale?"

"I haven't heard anything about that. You shouldn't worry about it right now.
You need your rest."

John stifled a yawn and closed his eyes, still trying to think of some way to
avoid being trapped on the psychiatric ward once again. He did fall asleep and
when he opened his eyes again, he saw that while Dale was still seated by his
bed, he appeared to be asleep. If Dale was watching him, then that meant none of
the ICU nurses would be checking up on him. He could bleed to death before Dale
awoke, provided he didn't make any noise to disturb him. If he remembered his
year as a surgical intern correctly, Dale was a fairly sound sleeper. That would
suit him just fine, he thought, glad that he wouldn't have to talk to any of his
friends and see how disappointed they were because of what he had done. First,
he yanked out the I.V. needle, then, using his bare hands, he tore open his
incisions, flinching against the pain, but managing to keep quiet. As he felt
his blood spread out over his skin, he closed his eyes, hoping that death would
come quickly.

Dale turned in his sleep, waking up abruptly as he almost fell off of the chair.
He glanced at his watch to see that it was only five in the morning. He had only
been asleep for an hour. As he stretched, he glanced at the monitor's, becoming
alert as he realized that the readings were all wrong. He then saw the blood
which covered John, soaking the sheets above and below him. Somehow, John had
managed to rip open his incisions and was bleeding steadily. Dale screamed for
help, then worked to stem the bleeding while trying to gauge just how much blood
John had already lost. "Don't let it be too much," he prayed. "Benton will kill
me for sure if John dies now."

With the help of the nurses and Elizabeth, who happened to be the intern
assigned to cover the ICU, the bleeding was slowed enough to enable them to get
John back into surgery to repair the damage.

Hours later, when Roland, Jenny and Barbara arrived, they were surprised to
discover that John was still in the ICU. A nurse paged Peter and he met them in
the waiting area.

"What's happened?" Jenny asked him. "You said he would only be in the ICU for
twelve hours. He should be in a room by now."

"There's been a set-back. Between four and five this morning, John managed to
pull out his I.V. and open his incisions in what we think was an effort to bleed
to death."

Jenny slumped against Roland, unable to hold back her tears. Things were going
from bad to worse, and she wasn't sure how much more she could take.

Roland put his arms around Jenny, holding her close. He didn't trust himself to
say anything because he was too close to tears as well.

That left Barbara, and she asked, "But, John's okay, right?"

"He lost a lot of blood and we had to transfuse him. The damage was repaired.
John has not yet regained consciousness, but we do expect him to wake up soon."

"Can we see him?" Jenny asked.

"Yes. We've put him in restraints, so be prepared for that. Right now we have no
reason to believe that he won't attempt to hurt himself again once he's awake."
Peter didn't see any need to tell them that John had tried to rip out his I.V.
the first time he had awakened after surgery.

"How did this happen? Don't the nurses watch the patients?" Barbara asked,
wanting to blame someone, anyone but her brother.

"Usually that's true. Last night, one of the surgical residents was watching
John. John woke up around two and they had a short conversation. John was
convinced that he was going to be locked up on the psychiatric ward and that he
would be fired. Dr. Edson thought he had reassured John on both points, but Dr.
McIntyre and I both agree that these fears may have triggered this attempt."

"Where is Dr. McIntyre?" Roland asked.

"He accompanied Dr. Anspaugh to the meeting with the hospital board."

"And if they decide to fire John, what will he do then?" Jenny wiped her eyes,
knowing in her heart what the answer to that question was. It would tear John
apart.

"We're hoping that we won't have to find out, Mrs. Carter. Let me take you back
to John. Ms. Carter, normally we only allow no more than two visitors at a time.
However, I'm willing to bend the rules if you want to come back with us."

"I'd like that very much, thank you."

Barbara was completely unprepared for seeing John surrounded by so much
machinery. It shook her to the bone to see him lying on the bed, so still and
pale. Normally, he was unable to sit still for long periods of time.

"He doesn't look any different than he did last night," Jenny noted as she used
her fingers to brush his hair back from his eyes. He might have been paler. It
was difficult to discern that in the low lighting of the ICU

John vaguely became aware of the fact he could hear his mother's voice. Someone
was holding his hand. Two someone's actually, because both hands were being
tightly gripped. There was a soft caress across his forehead and he knew that he
had failed once again in his quest to end his life. Tears of frustration filled
his eyes and he heard his mother murmur, "I know, Johnny. I know."

He opened his eyes to see that his mother was crying. So was his father, and
that really surprised him. Barbara was also there, but she wasn't crying. Not
yet anyway. He tried to bring his hand up to wipe his eyes, but instead
discovered that both of his hands were secured. They had put him in restraints
and that realization knocked the fight right out of him. He slumped back against
his pillow, totally defeated.

Jenny saw the resignation in his eyes and knew that the restraints were no
longer needed. John would not try to kill himself again. Still, she knew that
she wouldn't be able to convince anyone else of that fact.

"It will be okay. Trust me," she said.

John closed his eyes, blocking her out. He didn't want to hear her words of
comfort or encouragement. He had tried three times to die and three times he had
failed. God obviously wasn't done punishing him. He knew it would be a waste of
energy to even think about another attempt. To die would only end his torment
and he knew that he had a lot of sins to pay for.

Another benefit of keeping his eyes closed was that he didn't have to see the
hurt and disappointment that was so plain in his parents faces. His eyes
remained closed until he heard Peter tell them that their time was up and they
had to leave. He felt like a heel as all three of them told him they loved him
and kissed him goodbye. As soon as he knew they were gone, he began to cry
again, his sobs quickly becoming uncontrollably.

"John, you need to calm down, or we'll have to sedate you," Peter said as he
firmly grasped his hand.

John nodded, knowing that crying like this was not good for him. Yet he couldn't
stop. Not even the sedative was able to stem the flow of tears. It wasn't until
he was fully asleep that he no longer cried.

Peter asked a nurse to bring him a damp cloth, and he gently cleaned John's
face, washing away the tears. Then he had her replace John's pillow because the
one he had was now soaking wet. It pained him to see John in restraints, but it
pained him even more to know that he had tried once again to kill himself. The
John Carter that he had known over the years was a strong man - he had to be
strong in order to withstand the rigors of his training. Peter knew that he was
a tough teacher and that he had been rough with John on more than one occasion.
John had never broken though. For two years he had put up with Peter, then, when
he had a chance to learn from someone else, he had purposely chosen Peter to be
his teacher again. That had been the year that Peter had broken Dennis Gant's
spirit, mainly because he didn't know that he could do that to someone. John had
never reacted that way to his teaching methods.

Those teaching methods were history now, Peter reflected. He never wanted to be
a person who caused another person to give up hope. At least he knew that wasn't
the case with John. John had given up hope all on his own, despite everyone's
best efforts to help him. All of John's friends were healers, yet so far, they
hadn't seemed to be able to heal him. They were going to need to try harder,
Peter thought, provided the board of directors didn't fire John, and the police
didn't lock him up in jail. They would just have to find a way to make John see
that he had a future ahead of him. A good future.