Homeless Once More, Part Three
By Cathy Roberts
glroberts@bigfoot.com
A John Carter story, rated PG

"ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No
infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was
written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be
downloaded for your own pleasure. However this story may not
be used, distributed or archived without the permission of
the author.

A special thanks to my editor, Melissa, for all her help
and advice.



When Carter awoke he noticed two things. The first was that
he had somehow managed to sleep all night without a single
interruption. The second was that his pillow smelled fresh
and clean. He took in a deep breath as he snuggled deeper
into the sheets. He had almost forgotten what fresh and clean
smelled like. He frowned as he suddenly remembered why he was
sleeping on clean sheets once more. He was in the spare bedroom
of Kerry Weaver's apartment. The previous day was a blur to
him now and he hoped it would stay that way. Right now, all
he wanted was to sleep some more. A soft tapping at the door
told him that wasn't going to be happening.

"I'm awake."

The door opened and Kerry came in, a cheerful smile totally
transforming her face. "I hope you slept well."

He sat up in the bed and nodded, "I slept great. Dr. Weaver,
thank you for letting me stay here last night."

"It was no problem, Carter. You're welcome to stay here until
you're able to get your own place again."

"I can't impose on you like that!", he shook his head.

"It wouldn't be an imposition. It would be a help. You could
help me out with the rent or something and still be able to save
money for your own place."

"I'll think about it."

"You do that, but I don't see where there's anything to think
about, Carter. You don't have a place to live and I have an
empty room. I can use the financial help. It's almost eleven,
and I thought you should have something to eat before your
appointment at one. Would you care for breakfast or lunch?"

He had forgotten that he was supposed to talk to one of the
hospital psychiatrists today. In the light of a new day, he
really didn't see where he needed to talk to anyone. All he
had needed was a good night's sleep. Still, with Dr. Weaver
watching him, there was no way he could get out of going.

"Well, what will it be?", she prodded.

"What will what be?", he asked.

Kerry sighed. She had hoped that a decent night's sleep
would do him a world of good. While he looked rested, his mind
still wasn't back to par.

"Do you want to eat breakfast or lunch?"

"Have you eaten breakfast yet?"

"I ate when I got up this morning."

"Lunch would be fine then. Is it okay if I take a shower
before I eat?"

"That would be fine, Carter. As a matter of fact, I've
already put clean towels and a washcloth in the bathroom
for you. There's also a razor and some shaving cream.
Your bags are over there in the corner. I'll be in the
kitchen if you need me."

Carter waited until Kerry had shut the door before he got
out of bed. He was gratified to see that he had remembered
to change into his sweat pants and a T-shirt before he fell
asleep. He must not have been that far gone last night.
He had been keeping his clean clothes and dirty clothes in
separate suitcases and it was obvious that he would need to
do laundry soon. He found some clean pants that weren't too
wrinkled, and some clean socks and underwear. His last clean
button-up shirt was way too wrinkled to wear. He could ask
Dr. Weaver if she had an iron, but he didn't want to impose
any further on her generosity. He pulled out a sweater that
would match the pants. After finding his toothbrush, tooth-
paste and shampoo, he took his stuff down the hallway to the
bathroom. It was tastefully decorated in tones of rose and
hunter green. This was definitely a woman's apartment, he
thought as he pushed aside the flowered shower curtain and
stepped into the tub.

Kerry could clearly hear the shower from her kitchen so she
was able to time the lunch preparation so it would be ready
at about the same time Carter was finished in the bathroom.
She hoped she hadn't prepared too much. He definitely looked
as if he could use a good meal and she had tried to provide him
with one. She smiled as she wondered what her work colleagues
would say if they knew she was a whiz in the kitchen. As a
child she had been unable to play outside with her brothers
and sisters. A kid could only read so much during the day and
when she was bored with books, she would find stimulation in
her mother's bright kitchen. Her mother would always let her
help, no matter how fancy or simple the dish. As a result,
Kerry could make something edible out of just about any food
there was. It had been a talent which had come in handy when
she had been working in Africa. She ladled her home-made
tomato soup into bowls and set them on the table. A salad,
fresh bread and milk would round out the meal. Carter smiled
as he entered the kitchen.

"Something smells good."

"Thank you. I hope you like tomato soup."

"I love it.", he stood by his chair and Kerry finally realized
that he was waiting for her to sit down first.

"It's still hot, so be careful not to burn yourself.", she
warned.

He gently blew on his first spoonful, then took a taste.
"This is really good. It did not come from a can!"

Kerry grinned, "You're right. I made it from scratch."

"I didn't know you could cook like this."

"Well, it's not a topic that would come up during a normal
day at work."

"Definitely not. Is this home-made bread, too?"

"Well, I do cheat a little with that. I own a bread machine.
I just don't have the time to do the old-fashioned way."

They ate in silence for a little while and Kerry was glad to see
that he was managing to eat most of what she had prepared for
him.

"Carter, I was curious about something."

"What's that?"

"When was the last time you ate a meal?"

He had to stop to think about that one. He never did stay
long enough to have dinner with his parents on Halloween, but
he really couldn't remember if he had eaten lunch that day or
not.

"To tell you the truth, Dr. Weaver, I don't know. I can tell
you that I haven't eaten this much in a long time. I just
haven't had much of an appetite."

"Well, hopefully, that will change. Feel free to eat all you
want. There's more soup on the stove."

"Thanks, but I'm feeling kinda full right now."

"I'll get this cleaned up and then we can leave for the hospital."

"I'll help. I can do the dishes or something.", he said as he
carried his bowl to the sink.

"I have a dishwasher, so that's not necessary. You can load it
while I put away the left over food."

While he was helping Kerry clean up, he was able to take a good
look at her kitchen. It seemed that hunter green was the main
color in her decorating scheme. It was in the spare bedroom, the
bathroom, and here in the kitchen. He hadn't noticed if it was
in the living room. Probably was. The kitchen was mainly green
with bright yellow highlights and white appliances. It was a
cheery room and somehow it reminded him of the kitchen at his
grandparent's house on Martha's Vineyard. That had been the
only room where the children were allowed complete freedom.
His grandparent's cook, Marissa, had worked for them for forever
and she loved children. Every summer she managed to spoil them
rotten. He frowned as he realized that he had no idea if Marissa
had a family of her own. There had never been any mention of
one. That simply was one of the topics you never discussed with
the hired help, even if that hired help had worked for you for
over twenty years. It would never occur to his grandparents to
even ask about something like that.

Kerry noticed his frown, "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing's wrong. I'm finished here, so I'll go brush my
teeth."

"Okay." She watched him walk away and wondered for the
thousandth time why this young man mattered so much to her. The
answer was obvious, but it wasn't one that she wanted to pay much
attention to. John Carter reminded her of her younger brother.
Adam Weaver had bright blue eyes and the blonde hair so the
resemblance wasn't a physical one. Rather, it was one of
personality. Adam had always confided in her and she in him.
The two had a very special bond, even though he was ten
years younger. From the very first time she met Carter, she
was struck by how much he was like Adam. She didn't dwell on it
though because Carter was working with Benton. Even after Carter
convinced her to allow him to switch to trauma she was able to
keep her distance. It was only this past summer that she felt
the walls of her defenses begin to crumble whenever he was
around. He wanted so desperately to please her and Mark and
he took it so personally when he failed. Kerry had learnt long
ago to please only herself and the Hell with pleasing anyone
else. It was a lesson that Adam had never learned and it seemed
as if it was a lesson that Carter would never learn either.

"I'm ready."

Kerry jumped slightly when he spoke. She hadn't heard him return
to the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.", he said.

She laughed, "It's not your fault. I was too deep in thought
to hear you come in. Give me few minutes and we'll be on our
way."

"No need to hurry."

She looked up at the clock, "Oh, yes there is! If we get caught
in the lunch hour traffic we might not make it there in time."

Kerry rushed out of the kitchen and he wandered into the living
room. Sure enough, hunter green was the dominant color here.
One wall was painted in that color while the other walls were
a cream color. The green wall was adorned with tribal masks
from Africa. Other African art and artifacts were hanging on
the other walls, the lone exception being the bookcases that
surrounded her entertainment center. Her book collection was
diverse and interesting. Medical books, fiction, cook books,
and biographies made up her library. He was looking at her
CD's when she returned.

"I see that you like jazz.", he commented.

"Some. I really like this one guy who plays the organ."

"Jimmy Smith.", he grinned.

"You know his work?", she asked.

He nodded, "I have a few of his discs."

"See, we have some things in common, don't we? Are you ready?"

"I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

"It won't be that bad, Carter."

"Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?", he asked.

"No."

"Then you can't say that, can you?"

"A psychiatrist is a doctor, just like you and me."

"Maybe I don't like seeing doctors who are just like you
and me?"

"You'll survive. I promise." Kerry smiled up at him and he
smiled back at her. It was just like old times with Adam and
she told herself that she had might the right decision when she
offered Carter a place to stay.

"Let's get on the road, kiddo!"

Kerry dropped him off in the reception area of the psychiatrist. She
assured him that she would be back there in about an hour, but there
was something she needed to take care of while she was at the
hospital with him. She headed straight for Litvak's office, hoping
to have a word or two with him.

His secretary was not at her desk, not too surprising since it was
still lunch time. But, Litvak was in and Kerry knocked on his door
frame.

He looked up from whatever it was he was looking at on his desk.
"Dr. Weaver, come on in."

Kerry entered his office, closing the door as she did, "I need
to speak to you in private, Dr. Litvak."

"Dr. Weaver, if you're here to talk to me about John Carter,
then you can save your breath. I had a long talk with Ross
and Greene about him yesterday."

"You did?" Kerry didn't remember Mark or Doug mentioning
anything about going to talk to Litvak.

"I did. I will tell you the same thing I told them. I
understand that Dr. Carter is a little troubled right now and
I can make an allowance for that. I'm sure that if he were
thinking clearly then there wouldn't be this type of
misunderstanding."

"What type of misunderstanding are you talking about, Dr.
Litvak?"

"The way he mistook my overtures of friendship and my wanting
to get to know my staff as, well, as a sexual come-on. I can
assure you that I did not make any type of a pass at him."

Kerry had to use all of her will power to keep from telling
him that she knew better than to believe that. She knew what
she had seen in his eyes yesterday. She also knew that Carter
had never mentioned Litvak to her. She licked her lips, not
sure of what to say in reply to his lie.

"Dr. Weaver, I can tell that you still have your suspicions,
and I can appreciate your hesitance to believe me over someone
that you've known for such a long time.", he smiled, "I won't
hold that against you. I just want you to keep in mind that
John Carter is a very troubled young man. I'm sure that once
he has his head on straight that he'll realize that he was
jumping to conclusions and imagining things that just weren't
there."

"I'm sure he feels that way already.", Kerry stood, "Thank you
for your time. I won't bother you any longer."

"My door is always open for my staff, Dr. Weaver. Please feel
free to drop by at any time. By the way, do you know how Dr.
Carter is doing today? Dr. Greene told me that you were drove
him home after the incident yesterday."

So Mark had not told him that she took Carter home with her.
Good. The less Litvak knew about that, the better.

"Mark gave him the day off, so I suppose that we won't know how
he's doing until we see him tomorrow."

"But, he does have an appointment with a psychiatrist today,
doesn't he?"

Kerry noticed the worried look in Litvak's eyes and she knew
then that Litvak had definitely been lying about Carter. What
she couldn't tell is whether Litvak was truly worried about
Carter or if he was worried about what, if anything, Carter
would tell the psychiatrist about him.

"I believe that he made an appointment for today. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I have something I need to attend to
downstairs."

"Of course. I'll see you in the morning then. Oh, by the way,
you did a good job on that report."

"Thank you," she said.

Kerry left his office and went straight to the E.R. to see what
Mark and Doug had to say about their conversation with Litvak.
Again, her luck held out. Both doctors were on duty and both
were available to speak to her.

"How's Carter doing?", Mark asked her.

They had gone into the lounge for coffee and a little bit
of privacy.

"He seems much better today. He slept until eleven, although
he might have managed to sleep even longer, but I had to wake
him up so he could eat before his appointment."

"Did he actually eat something?", Doug asked.

She nodded, "He ate some salad and half a bowl of soup. I
could tell that he didn't want to come here today, but he
didn't fight me on it.", she checked her watch. "He should be
in his appointment by now."

The two men nodded, then Mark cleared his throat, "We spoke
with Dr. Litvak after you and Carter left yesterday."

"I know. I saw him before I came down here."

"Then you know that he claims that he never pulled anything
with Carter."

Kerry looked directly into Mark's eyes, "That's what he said.
I don't believe a word of it."

"Kerry, Litvak is right about Carter's state of mind," Doug
began.

She cut him off, "I watched Litvak speak with Carter yesterday
and I saw the look that was in his eyes. It was lust, Doug.
Pure lust. He's just lying now in an effort to save his own
butt."

Mark sighed, "Kerry, I can't dispute what you thought you saw,
but even you have to admit that Carter hasn't been thinking
right lately."

"I will admit that. But, I know what I saw. Randi saw it,
too! I don't think that the two of us were imagining the
same thing!"

"Look, you may be right,", Doug said, "But, you may also be
wrong. I think that from now on, we'll all just keep our
eyes wide open whenever Litvak is anywhere near Carter. If
he really did make a pass at him before then the chances are
he will do so again."

Mark nodded, "I agree. It won't hurt to keep a close eye
on things."

They both looked at Kerry and she finally nodded, "I don't
see any real alternative right now. But, I'll tell you one
thing. If Dan Litvak does try something with Carter, then
his ass is mine."

She slammed her coffee cup down on the counter and stalked
out of the room. Doug whistled, "Reminds me of a mother lion
protecting her cub."

"Doesn't it though? What I want to know is, when did she ever
feel that way towards Carter?"

"When did Kerry Weaver ever feel that way toward anyone?"

"Doug, she's not inhuman."

"Yeah, I suppose that's true. Every now and then she slips
up and a real human being with feelings emerges," he shook
his head. "Man, I would not want to be in Dan Litvak's shoes
if she goes after him."

"If Litvak hurts Carter in any way, shape, or form, then
there'll be more than just Kerry going after him."



Carter sat across from his doctor, very nervous about being
there. The psychiatrist that he was seeing was new to the
hospital and Carter had not heard of him before. He was
somewhere in his fifties, with salt and pepper hair and kind
blue eyes. His name, according to his name plate, was Hugh
McIntyre.

"So, Dr. McIntyre, are you from Chicago?"

"No. I'm from the Los Angeles area. Have you ever been there?"

"Once. When I was a kid we went there to see a medical
specialist."

"What about you? Are you from around here?"

Carter nodded, "Born and raised in the Chicago area."

"I understand that you're a resident in our Emergency Room?"

"Yeah.", Carter nodded. He didn't know what to do with his
hands. He had put them on the arms of the chair when he first
sat down, but when he found himself tapping the wood, he
figured he had better find something else to do. He didn't
want Dr. McIntyre to see that he was nervous about being
here, even though he was. Maybe if he sat on them...no, that
wouldn't look good either. He finally clasped them together
in his lap.

"May I call you John?"

"Sure."

"John, there's really no reason for you to be nervous. When
Dr. Ross called me to set up your appointment, he told me a
little bit about what had happened to you yesterday."

Immediately suspicious, Carter asked, "What did he tell you?"

"That you haven't been sleeping well lately. That you haven't
been eating right. That you didn't return to work after meeting
him for lunch at Doc Magoo's and that he and Dr. Greene found
you up on the roof, soaking wet and a little, shall we say,
disoriented?"

"I was cold. "We" should say that. Look, I really don't think
I need to be here. I only agreed to see you because Dr. Greene
and Dr. Weaver didn't give me much a choice yesterday. As a
doctor, I realize that poor nutrition and lack of sleep can play
havoc with a person's ability to make reasonable decisions."

"And that's what happened in your case?"

"Exactly!"

"And is this the reason why you hang up on your father every
time he calls you here at work?"

"Who told you that?"

"That's not important, John. What is important is that a lot
of bad things have happened to you. The human psyche can only
handle so much at one time. Sooner or later, something has
to give."

"I want to know who told you that! Have people been talking
to you about me?"

"No. I did ask Dr. Greene and Dr. Ross some questions. It
is common knowledge that yesterday you hung up after a caller
was identified as your father. Several people witnessed this.
John, let me ask you a question."

"As if I can stop you.", Carter looked down at his hands. How
could his friends betray him like this? How could they tell
his man his business?

"You can."

As the silence grew longer, Carter realized that Dr. McIntyre
was not going to ask him this question. He looked up to find
that the doctor was staring at him, waiting patiently for an
answer.

Carter shrugged, "Go ahead then."

"When they found you on the roof, you told them that you had
tried to jump, but that you couldn't. Is that true? Did you
try to kill yourself yesterday, John?"

Carter looked away, seeing the scene in his mind. Remembering
how much he wanted the pain to go away. He nodded.

"Tell me what happened.", the doctor softly said.

"There's not much to tell. I climbed over the railing, but
I just couldn't let go. I even stretched out, but...I just
couldn't bring myself to let go."

"And do you know why you couldn't let go?"

"Because I was too scared."

"No, it was because yesterday, you wanted to live too much.
The same may be true for today, I don't know. I do know
that if you walk out that door now, with the attitude that
you don't need any help, with the attitude that there's nothing
wrong with you that a little sleep and good food won't cure,
then I can guarantee you that next time, you will go through
with it. And believe me, John, there will be a next time. I'm
not trying to scare you in an effort to keep you as a patient.
I'm trying to get you to see and acknowledge the fact that
sometimes you can't handle things by yourself. Now, if you
can't admit that, then you should leave right now. The choice
is yours, John."

Again, a long silence. A weariness settled upon him, a weariness
that had been a companion for far too long lately. "I'm tired,
Dr. McIntyre. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling
as if I've been abandoned."

"How long have you been feeling this way?"

"When haven't I felt this way would be a better question." He
closed his eyes and rested his face in his hands, trying to
remember the last time he had felt as if he truly belonged to
anyone or anyplace.

"It was before Bobby got leukemia."

"Who's Bobby?"

"My older brother. He was my older brother. It killed him
when I was ten years old. He was diagnosed with it when I
was eight."

"Is he the reason your family went to see a specialist in L.A.?"

"Yeah. My parents and grandparents didn't waste any money in
their efforts to save his life. It didn't matter though.
There wasn't anything the doctors could do to save him. But,
the doctors here were great. Not here, at this hospital, but
here in Chicago. They were so wonderful with Bobby, making
him feel like he wasn't a freak or something worse. They
treated him as if he really mattered. And they didn't ignore
me, either. Bobby was insistent that I be with him when he
had to do anything - chemo, regular visits, all of it. His
doctors would take the time to talk to me about what was going
on with him. And with me. That was when I decided that I
wanted to be a doctor when I grew up."

"Even though they couldn't save your brother?"

"They tried their best and they never lost track of the fact
that he was a human being with feelings. They really cared
about him and our family."

"And yet you felt abandoned."

He shook his head, "Not then. Not when Bobby was alive. It
Was when he died. It was autumn when he died. I was riding
my bike home from school and all of a sudden I could see him
standing there on the side of the road. I had to brake hard
and I fell off the bike. When I got up, he was gone and I
started crying right then because I knew that he had just
died. He had promised me that he wouldn't die unless I was
with him. But, I guess that he couldn't hold on any longer.
We lived in this nice house out in Glen Ellyn. My father had
vowed that he would never live off of his father's money.
He was determined to make it on his own. Of course, when
Bobby got sick, Grandfather insisted on helping out financially.
It kept us from losing our house. The week after Bobby's
funeral, dad and mom sat us down in the living room and told
us that they were going international with their law practice
and that going international meant they would have to travel
a lot. At first, I was excited about the idea. I thought
that Barbara and I would be travelling with them. I was wrong.
They had made arrangements for us to finish our school year
in a boarding school here in Illinois. By the end of the week,
we were there. They never asked us how we felt about them
going away. Why did they do that to us? Couldn't they see
how much we needed them? Bobby was dead. Precious Bobby, the
first-born grandchild. The one who was supposed to follow in
Grandfather's footsteps was dead. And we were treated as if
We didn't matter at all to anyone. Our parents stuck us in a
school and left the country. I think that dad said something
about mom needing to get away, but Barb and I needed to get
away too, and we needed to have our parents with us. We lost
our brother and then we lost our parents - all within two weeks."

"I can see why you felt abandoned by them."

"Yeah. You know, we had a dog and a cat at the house. When
we came home for Thanksgiving, we found that the house had been
sold and the dog and cat had been given away. I don't even know
who took them or if they ended up in good homes. We stayed
with my grandparents over Thanksgiving. When Christmas came,
we hoped that we would be able to have our parents to ourselves,
but that didn't happen."

"You stayed with your grandparents again?"

Carter nodded, "Yeah. Our parents didn't come home that
Christmas. They were busy in Europe. They sent presents,
but they didn't come home. It was bad enough to have to
spend Christmas without my brother, but, I don't understand
why they didn't come home. I can remember sitting on the top
of the staircase and hearing my grandparents arguing with my
aunt and uncle about it. Grandfather defended them, saying
that it couldn't be helped. My uncle said that my dad was a
lousy excuse for a father if he couldn't even be bothered to
be with his kids on Christmas. The next day, he was really
great with us. He treated us as if we were his own kids.
His son Chase, who is my age, didn't seem to mind. Usually,
the two of us fought over any little thing. They didn't come
home for Easter, either. We didn't see them again until we
arrived at our grandparents house on Martha's Vineyard. I
was so happy to see them. I knew that God had finally
answered my prayers. He was making us a family again. But,
they only stayed for two weeks and then they were gone. We
didn't See them again until Thanksgiving. I guess that all
of that dedication to work paid off for them, because now
my dad is among the 30th richest men in the Chicago area.
He always beats out grandfather. Eventually, my Uncle joined
his business, although I think he did that so he could
get away from grandfather. Once Bobby was no longer "the heir"
my grandfather needed to find someone else to train to run the
company when he wanted to retire. My dad was out of the
country and therefore out of the picture. My aunt was a woman
and he refused to consider her because of that. That left my
uncle. He didn't want the job, so he took off. That left the
grandchildren: me, Chase, Barbara and A. C., who is my aunt's
daughter. Since my Grandfather was chauvinistic, Barb and A. C.
were not in the running. That left me and Chase. I wanted to
be a doctor and Chase wanted to be an artist. We were told
that we would go into business or law and follow in his
footsteps. It really made him angry when my parents backed
my decision to go to medical school." Carter stopped talking
as he realized that he had gotten off track.

"Are you okay?", McIntyre asked him.

"Yeah. I was just realizing how little time I've spent with
my parents since Bobby died. Some years I see them more than
others. I didn't even see them last Christmas. They didn't
come home. The Christmas before that, I didn't go to my
gandparents house, although I did see my parents on Christmas
Day. They say they love me. They say they care about me.
If all that is true, then why did they leave me? Why won't
they stay here where they belong?"

"I wish I could give you an answer for that, John. All I can
say is that sometimes a person can be so blinded by their own
pain that they're unable to see the hurt that's in someone else."

"Maybe. But, they should have seen it. They're our parents
and it's their job to see things like that, isn't it?"

"It should be. Sometimes we miss things like that in the
people we care the most about. How could they go to another
country if they didn't think that you and your sister were
handling things well?"

"We weren't."

"But your parents couldn't allow themselves to see that. To
do so would mean they couldn't go with a clear conscience."

Carter looked askance at the doctor. Was he supposed to say
things like that about his parents? Dr. McIntyre seemed to
be agreeing with him. Was that allowed? Wasn't he supposed
to tell him that he should forgive his parents because, after
all, they were only doing the best they could at the time?

"Is something wrong?", Dr. McIntyre asked.

"I was wondering why you were agreeing with me."

"Was I?", he asked with a grin.

John smiled. This was more like it!

"I've never believed in answering questions with more questions.
You didn't come here to have me ask you why you think you feel
the way you do. I'm here to help you find out why you have
these feelings and how to find a healthy way to deal with them.
So, tell me, did your parents ever buy another house here?"

Carter nodded, "Dad's perseverance paid off for him. They
bought a huge house. A great big empty house. Barb and I
were picked up at school by grandfather and he took us there.
It was one of those rare holidays when my parents were here
and not in Europe or the Caribbean. They had already decorated
our rooms for us." He shook his head, "It didn't feel like home.
Home was our house in Glen Ellyn. This was like a hotel or
something. We never even got to pick out our own rooms.
I've never really felt comfortable there."

"I'd say that you and your sister were lucky to have your
grandparents around."

"Yeah, we were. At least we felt as if there was a place
where we belonged. Of course, after a while, I came to feel
as if I belonged at school. I don't know how Barb felt.
She just seemed to go along with whatever happened."

"But, you didn't?"

"No. I wanted us to be a family once more, even though Bobby
wasn't there any longer. I used to think that if I was good
enough then they would want to stay with me. I was determined
to be the best at what I did. Not that it mattered. No matter
how good I was at track, wrestling, or dressage, they couldn't
be bothered to come and watch. I made excellent grades, but
that didn't matter much either. They did come to my graduation,
and they were proud that I had been accepted at Penn, which is
where they went to school. But, that was it. Of course, by
then, I was old enough to not need them any more."

"Were you? Do you really feel that you don't need your
parents now?"

"I think I liked you better when you weren't asking questions."

"Sorry. John, I'm in my fifties and my parents are still
alive and in good health. I still need them. I turn to my
father for advice and to my mother for comfort. I don't think
that's something that a person ever outgrows."

"It wouldn't matter if I did need them. They're not around.
I know that this isn't right, but sometimes I get so angry
with Bobby for dying. I start to think about how different
things would have been if he would have lived! I know it
wasn't his fault for dying. The doctors did everything they
could and so did I."

"I'm sure that you were a comfort to your brother or else he
wouldn't have wanted you with him all the time."

"We were very close. When the doctors told me that my bone
marrow was a match for Bobby, I just knew that it would make
him well." Carter frowned, "It didn't matter at all. At the
time, I felt so guilty because I felt I had gone through all
that for nothing. Of course, my pain was nothing compared to
his suffering."

He wiped his eyes, ashamed to be crying in front of a stranger,
"I really miss him."

"I'm sure you do. And I'm sure your parents feel the same
way, John."

"I wish I could know that for sure."

"Why don't you ask them?"

Carter shook his head, "No one talks about Bobby around them.
It's almost as if he never existed. His photos are on the
walls, but that's about it. No one has enough guts to say,
"Hey, do you remember when you and Bobby used to do such and
such?", no there's none of that. Not around my parents' house
or at my grandparents place. I used to be able to talk to
Chase about Bobby, but I can't do that anymore."

"The two of you don't get along anymore?"

"Once we grew up, we got along great. When my apartment
building burned down a couple of years ago, Chase gave me a
great present. He had copies made of all the childhood
pictures he could find. A lot of pictures of me and Bobby.
It was a really great present. Of all the things I lost in
the fire, it was my photo albums that mattered the most."

"You managed to be a doctor, which is what you wanted to be.
What about Chase? Did he end up being an artist?"

"He tried. He was a great photographer. But, he let
grandfather railroad him into the corporate life and he just
couldn't deal with losing his dreams. He turned to drugs.
I discovered that he was a heroin addict. He begged me to
keep quiet about it and to help him and like a fool, I did.
With the help of one of my friends from work, Chase kicked
the habit. It was Hell. There were more than a few moments
there when I didn't think he was going to get through it, but
he did. I still should have told someone though. It wasn't
all that long after he kicked the habit that he ended up in the
E.R. with an overdose. He had been down for over ten minutes,
but I refused to let him die. I did everything I knew how to
do, even when those around me were telling me that it was no
use. And, I brought him back. May God forgive me, but I brought
him back.", Carter squeezed his eyes shut against the tears.
"Of course, he suffered a lot of brain damage. He will never
come anywhere close to being the way he was before. He can't
even hold a camera in his hands, he can't draw, he can't speak.
I don't even know if he's aware of what's going on around him.
And it's all my fault. Any other patient, and I would have
called it. I know I would. But, I just couldn't let Chase go.
The worst part is that I don't know if I fought so hard because
I care about him, or if I fought so hard because I didn't want
any pressure from grandfather to give up medicine and work for him."

He reached for some tissues and took a few moments to compose
himself. He had never told anyone else his fear that he had
saved Chase for purely selfish reasons.

"Are you okay now?", the doctor asked.

Carter nodded, "Yeah, I guess. You know, I'm supposed to be
a healer. I'm not supposed to be the reason why someone is
a living shell of what they once were." He shook his head.
"I wanted to help people, not hurt them."

"I know how you feel, John. I don't have an answer for you
though. I can't look into your heart and see why you did what
you did for Chase. But, I would bet that even if it had been
another patient, that you still would have done all you could
to save him or her."

He took a pad of paper from his top drawer and began to write
on it. "I'm going to give you a prescription for something
that will help you get some rest once you get to sleep. I'm
just going to give you enough for one week, but you don't have
to use it. I'll leave it up to you. However, I think that
you should take a pill each night."

"Are you sure you can trust me with a prescription?"

"I think so. Besides, you are staying with someone right
now, aren't you?"

Carter nodded, "At least for a few days."

"Good. I'm sure that you can trust Dr. Weaver to hold onto
them for you."

"I'm sure I can, too. So, does this mean I'm done here?"

"For today. I'd like to see you again tomorrow, but if
you can't manage that, then a week from today will have to do."

"I don't know."

"John, no one is going to think any less of you because you're
seeing me."

"You don't know my family."

"I think I'm beginning to know them. You have to do what's
right for you, John. I don't think you'll get into any
trouble with your supervisors if you take an hour out of each
day to talk to me."

"That's true enough.", he nodded, "Fine. Tomorrow it is."

"Great." Dr. McIntyre stood and walked around his desk. As
Carter stood, he handed him the prescription, "You should get
this filled today and start using it tonight."

"Okay." They walked out to the reception area where Kerry
was waiting.

"Tina, make him an appointment for the same time for every
day this week."

"Yes, sir.", the receptionist replied.

Kerry raised her eyebrows questioningly, but she refrained
from saying anything. If Carter wanted to talk to her about
what had gone on in there, then he would tell her. If he
didn't, then she would just have to accept that.

"We need to go by the pharmacy so I can get this filled."
He gave her the prescription. "He wants me to take one tablet
every night."

She noted the medication and the dosage and she nodded her
agreement, "I'm not in any hurry to get back home."

"Did you get everything taken care of downstairs?", he asked
as they left the office.

"Yes, I did. Mark and Doug were glad to hear that you're
doing much better today."

"I don't know how I'm going to face them tomorrow. Any of
them. I feel like such a fool."

"Carter, no one is thinking any such thing about you! You
have nothing to be ashamed about, so don't even think about
how you're going to face them!"

"I'll try,", he said, "but, I'm not making any guarantees."

"Good, because I'm not asking for any. Besides, I've come
to find that there are no guarantees in this world."

"That's the truth!"

She made a face, "A sad, sad truth. Let's get this filled
and get the hell out of here!"

"I thought you weren't in a hurry to get home?", he teased.

"I'm not, but I'm not anxious to spend all afternoon here,
either. I get enough of this place during working hours."

"I like it here."

"You should, you've certainly spent enough time here, Carter."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It could be. I think that we both spend way too much time in
this hospital. What we need is a life. A real life."

"I didn't think I could have a life if I wanted to be Chief
Resident someday."

"Looking back, I think that having a life is worth more than
being Chief Resident. Ambition is fine, but I'm beginning to
question if certain sacrifices are necessary. I gave up a
life in order to pursue my quest for a good position with the
hospital, and what do I have to show for it now? I'm still
an attending and Dan Litvak is my boss. I should have opted
for the life, Carter."

"So, you don't think I should try for Chief Resident?" Kerry
had always been the one pushing ambition.

"I think that you should do whatever it is that makes you
happy," she replied. "If that means being Chief Resident, then
go for it. If it means not being that, then let it go. Just
be happy, Carter."

"Are you happy?"

Kerry paused to think about that and she realized that if she
Was truly happy then she wouldn't need to think about it. She
would just know. "No. Right now, I'd have to say that I'm not
happy with my life. And it isn't just losing out on Morgenstern's
old job. My life is empty."

"I know the feeling."

She didn't want to get him even more depressed, so she forced
a smile, "See how much we have in common? Carter, you have got
to decide to stay. I think we'll get along great."

"Yeah, two depressed individuals under one roof. Can't
beat that."

"Smartass!"

Carter was prevented from replying to that un-Kerry like
comment by the fact they had reached the pharmacy counter
and he had to deal with the woman behind the counter. Never
in a million years would he have pictured Kerry Weaver as
having a sense of humor. She was a war-horse. She was
invincible and, well, she was a real bitch at times. But,
now he was seeing a new and different side to her. It was
a pity that she didn't behave this way at work - maybe more
people would like her.

After a short wait, he got his prescription and they left the
pharmacy. As they walked down the hallway, Carter noticed that
Kerry was favoring her leg more than usual. Guilt washed over
him because he knew that it would be a long walk for them to
reach the parking garage. Unless they took a back elevator
and cut through the E.R. Hell, he was going to have to face
everyone tomorrow anyway, so what difference would it make if
he saw them today?

"Dr. Weaver, why don't we take these elevators down?"

She looked up at him, "These go to the E.R., are you sure you
want to go down there?"

He pushed the button, "I'm sure. I need to see if Lucy has
managed to screw up anything today."

"Aren't you being a little hard on her?"

"I don't know. Every time I think that I am, she goes and
pulls something that makes me think I'm not being hard enough
on her."

"Well, don't forget that at the end of her rotation, she will
get the opportunity to evaluate you."

He groaned, "Don't remind me. I remember how happy I was when
I found out that I got to evaluate Benton. I did get a bit
carried away, but I was lucky that Dr. Hicks allowed me a
chance to re-write it."

The elevator arrived and they got on, selecting the ground
floor. He continued, "Still, I have to teach her the best
way I can, and I can't allow a fear of a poor evaluation
keep me from doing my job."

"I suppose that's one way to look at it. The important thing
is that she comes away from this rotation with a working
knowledge of what happens in an E.R."

"Right now, I'm settling for her getting out of the rotation
with me still being alive and in one piece!"

She glanced up at him and was relieved to see that he was
joking with her about that. At least she hoped that little
smile meant he was joking. Having his sense of humor back
was certainly a good sign that he was feeling better.

When they arrived in the Emergency Room, Carter was relieved
to find that no one treated him differently then they did on
any other day. There was no mention of the events of the
previous day. He had just sighed with relief when he noticed
someone at the admit desk talking to Randi.

Kerry stopped when she noticed that Carter was no longer
walking with her. She went back to where he stood, "Is
something wrong?"

"You might say that."

She looked to see who or what he was staring at. The only
new person in sight was the absolutely beautiful woman who
was at the admit desk. She was petite, with a full head of
dark hair. She was impeccably dressed and her clothes
reflected her wealth. When he woman looked her way, Kerry
saw that she and Carter had the same dark eyes. This is
definitely a relative of his, she thought.

With a wavering smile, the woman approached them.

"John, I was hoping to catch you here at work.", her voice
was warm and vibrant.

"Actually, I'm off today. Why are you here? Where's Dad?"

"Your father is still in Paris. As to why I'm here, well,
I think we need to talk. I thought about calling, but
seeing as how you won't give your father a chance on the
telephone, I didn't want to take the risk that you'd hang
up on me. So, here I am."

Kerry looked from the mother to the son. Carter was visibly
tense and ill at ease. She wondered if that was a usual
condition for him when he was around his mother, or was it
because of everything that had been going on with him lately?
She still had no idea why he was refusing to speak with his
father, so maybe his anger with him also extended to his mother.

"I can't talk right now. Dr. Weaver and I are on our way
somewhere."

"Dr. Weaver?"

"I'm Kerry Weaver, one of the attending physicians here in
the E.R." Kerry took the liberty of introducing herself since
it was apparent that Carter wasn't going to do it. "And,
Carter, our plans can be changed. It isn't often that you
get a chance to talk to your mother alone."

"John has mentioned you before and it's a pleasure to be able
to meet you, Dr. Weaver. By the way, my name is Jenny Carter,"
she extended her hand and Kerry shook it. Both women had strong,
confident grips and they sized each other up fairly accurately
in that brief period of contact.

"Then I guess we can talk. Where would you like to go?"

"I would say our house, but right now I don't think you'd be
willing to go there. How about the Aquarium? You've always
enjoyed going there."

"That's fine. Why don't you go on outside and I'll meet you
there in a minute or two?"

She nodded, "That will be fine." She turned her attention
back to Kerry, "It was nice meeting you."

"Same here. Take care, Mrs. Carter."

Kerry watched Carter as he watched his mother leave the
building. She saw many emotions flit across his face, but
joy was not one of them.

"I'm sure things will go fine, Carter."

"I wish I was sure. She's never left Dad behind before.
She must be really angry with me."

"She didn't sound or act angry."

"She never does," he scowled. "I know this sounds dumb, but
I wasn't paying much attention yesterday when we went to your
place. What's your address and how do I get there?"

Kerry smiled, "It doesn't sound dumb at all." She grabbed
a pen and some paper from the desk and quickly jotted down
the information.

She handed it to him with a smile. "If you want, I can drive
Out to the Aquarium. That way you'll have a ride when you're
done."

"Thanks, but there's no need for you to go to all that trouble.
I'll be fine. I'll see you back at your place later."

"I'll walk out with you."

As they left, they didn't notice that Dan Litvak had been
behind them during the last part of their conversation.

"So, Kerry Weaver is so concerned about John Carter because
she's having her own little fling with him." His smile was
more than evil, it was down right malignant, "Well, I wonder
what Dr. Anspaugh has to say about this little development
in the Emergency Room?"



Note: For those of us who are not "horsey" (myself included),
dressage is, in my terminology the process of putting a horse
through a series of movements (not jumping). Think of the
Lippazaner Stallions. This reference comes from an episode
where a very wealthy man

(who had funded the cardiac wing of
the hospital) came in with a cut to his hand and Swift directs
Benton to sew him up. After the man recognizes Carter as one
Of his son's former school-mates, Carter is in there as well.
The man mentions seeing Carter and his pony Marigold at the
school and that he thought they moved well together. This
was the same episode where Benton, Malik and Jerry discover
that Carter's father, Roland, is in the top 30 list of
wealthiest men in the Chicago area. Last season, Anna and
Carol saw a painting of Carter on the pony (although at that
time, Marigold was called a thoroughbred). It was hanging on
the wall of the music room in the home of Carter's grandparents.