I Love Him So
By Cathy Roberts
huntersglenn@yahoo.com

This was written for a song lyric story challenge on ERFFCC.  Enjoy!

Timeline: Before "ER" began.

Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. However this story may not be used, distributed or archived without the permission of the author.

Author's Notes: This was going to be an Anna Del Amico story, where she thinks about her feelings regarding John Carter. Then Carol pushed Anna out of the way and this happened instead. "I don't Know How To Love Him" is by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice.

"I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else

I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man, he's just a man
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways
He's just one more"

Carol leaned against the door, her fingers lightly resting on her lips as she savored Doug's kiss. She hadn't meant to kiss him again. Hadn't meant to fall into bed with him one more time. What they had was done and over. So why couldn't she get him out of her head?

She remembered their first date, him showing up, his crooked smile melting her heart. They had never gone out to the movies as planned, instead they had spent the evening in her bed, loving each other. After the way that Doug had been so wild as they made out on the kitchen floor, Carol had been surprised at his tenderness later.

"Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?"

It was just as well that she didn't get up the nerve to tell him how she felt. It would have been so humiliating for her to bare her heart to Doug Ross and then to find that he was screwing around on her. Wasn't she enough for him? Why couldn't he feel the same about her as she did about him?

Slamming the door in his face after telling him to get lost should have felt good. Instead it had felt as if her life were over.

"Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so"

Carol had given up on dating after that, keeping her mind on her job, making the ER run efficiently. And then one day John Taglieri asked her out. She had seen him around the hospital, knew that he was a hot shot ortho doc. Cute. So, she had said yes. Maybe it was because she liked Tag. Or maybe it had been because Doug was watching her at the time. The look in Doug's eyes as he heard her later announce to her friends that she was moving in with Tag stabbed her heart. He was truly upset, and yet, in Carol's mind, he had no right to be. She wasn't the one who had really ended their relationship -- he had done that all on his own by not being able to keep his pants zipped up when apart from her.

So, why then did she think about Doug when Tag kissed her? Why did Doug's face hover in the darkness of their bedroom as Tag loved her?

"Yet if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head, I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so"

It was a good thing that Tag was working a double shift because he would be able to take one look at her and know something was wrong. Carol turned on the hot water and let the tub fill, adding bubble bath before easing her satiated body into the tub. She knew she needed to scrub the scent of Doug Ross from her body. Scrub away the memory of the sex they had shared that day. It should never have happened, not with her living with Tag.

But it had happened. Doug had looked deeply into her eyes, smiled crookedly and said that he missed her. Missed the feel of her under him as she came. And then Carol found herself in his arms, her lips on his and her hands undressing him.

As the memories of a few hours earlier swept over her, Carol found herself crying. Doug Ross was not the right man for her. He was a cheat and a liar and a rogue. He was passion and promise and excitement. He wasn't what she needed in her life. John Taglieri was what she needed. Everyone around her kept telling her that. Tag was dependable, kind, considerate. An inventive lover.

So why didn't she get excited by merely looking at him the way she did when she looked at Doug? Not that it mattered. She would stay away from Doug Ross from now on. She had been wrong to give in to her carnal desires. Wrong to think that he could return the love she felt for him. Wrong to ignore the warnings in her head that told her he was bad news. Just plain wrong, and it would never happen again. Never.

"I love him so"

Finis