Intro Song - It's Called Histeria!
Intro - Megalomaniacs (song)
Sketch 1 - The Last Custard Stand
Father Time: Little Big Horn, Montana, and the Black Hills of the Dakotas. This area was
sacred to Native Americans.
BFB: [performs a war cry]
Father Time: The Treaty of 1868 designated this land as Indian Territory.
Indian Man: Awfully nice of them, considering the entire country used to be Indian territory.
Indian Woman: Don't get me started!
WOW: Shortly after signing the treaty, howsomever, gold was discovered
in the Black Hills. The government offered to buy it back from the indians,
but they said:
Indians: No way!
Miss Info: Finally, on June 25, 1876, in an attempt to take the land back by force, the
U.S. Seventh Calvary planned a surprise attack on the tribes who lived here.
Indian Woman: And we hate surprises.
Father Time: The calvary was led by General George Armstrong Custer. Native American Indians
called him 'Yellow Hair'.
Horse: I call him 'Stares In A Mirror'.
Custer: [played by Sammy Melman] I cannot wait until tomorrow, because I get
better lookin' every day!
Custer, riding on his horse, stops at the edge of a high, grassy cliff overlooking the area.
Custer: Men! Dismount! We'll make our stand...here!
Father Time: [playing a soldier] General Custer, ehh, I'm not sure this is the best place.
Custer: Colonel, don't insult my keen military mind! Why, from this bluff, everyone
will have an unobstructed view of...me!
Miss Info: So, it was here at Little Big Horn that the Seventh Calvary would battle
Native American Indians, in what would come to be known as "Custer's Last Stand".
Custer: I dare anyone to try and sneak up on us here!
Loud: [coming up from behind Custer] Hey, mister!!
Custer: [screams from shock]
Loud: We heard that there was a custard stand here, and we want some!
BFB: Ooh, yummy!!
Custer: Hmm?
Charity: Yeah! Gimmie a large pecan praline custard!
Toast: Dude! Make mine a cookie-dough deluxe with gummi-worm sprinkles!
Aka: I want a small double-mocha-java-chip! To go!
Custer: I don't understand.
Aka: It meeeeans, I don't wanna eat it here!
Custer: Your words are...foreign to me. Are you speaking Sioux?
Aka: Mmm-hmm. But my name ain't Sue.
Big Fat Baby drums up a rim shot.
WOW: Do you have any non-fat custards? I'm trying to watch my girlish figure.
Custer: That makes one of us.
Loud: So how 'bout some custard, mister?!!
Custer: I have no idea what you're talking about!
Aka: Hey! What's the dilly-o?! We've been standin' under this mean-old sun
doin' nothing but gettin' hot and hungry. Now come with it! Give us some
custard!
Custer: Listen to me, you're misinformed. There is no custard stand here!
Father Time: General Custer, the men are ready to make a stand on your order.
Custer: Very good.
Custer walks away from the kids, only to find them standing...oh, you've seen this joke
done before.
Custer: Why are you still here?!
Cho-Cho: Your name's Custer, right?
Custer: Yes.
Froggo: And you're making a stand here, correct?
Custer: Yes again.
Loud: So that would make this a custard stand, right?!
Custer: Well, I suppose, but...
Toast: Solid, bro! I'll take a cookie-dough deluxe with gummi-worm sprinkles.
Lucky Bob: Yes now!
Horse: Me, too.
Custer: Get out of here!!
After chasing the kids off, Pepper sneaks up from behind.
Pepper: Ah ha hah-ha-haa!! It's you! It's really you!
Custer: Don't do that! I thought we were under attack!
Pepper: I can't believe it's really you, you're my favorite, oh, I love you! [to herself]
Easy now, Pepper...easy...okay, settle down, take a deep breath...[breathes]...
Ah haah ha haa!! It's really you!! Oh, you're the best, this is so exciting.
Oh, can I have your autograph, pleeease?!?
Custer: I see my reputation preceeds me. Well, it's about time someone showed some
appreciation for my leadership qualities. Hoo! And the fellows back in West Point
said I would never amount to anything!
Custer finishes his autograph and hands the book back to Pepper. She looks at his autograph
and looks upset.
Pepper: Hey, you're not Haagen or Dazs!
Custer: Who?
Suddenly, a greenish gas starts floating across the bluff.
Custer: Hmm...I smell something. Something horrible. My instincts tell me trouble's
nearby. Men! Take cover!
Some of Custer's soldiers jump into bushes, hide behind horses, whatever they can find.
Custer: Okay, the Indians are communicating with each other using smoke signals. Whoo. I
gotta tell you, I do not know what they are burning, but it really smells bad.
Cho-Cho: Big Fat Baby needs a change!
BFB: Waaah.
Custer: Suffering stinkpots! When was the last time that baby had a new diaper?
Cho-Cho: Do you know when the Indians sold Manhattan for twenty-four dollars in beads?
Custer: 1626?
Cho-Cho: Before that.
Custer: Men! Retreat!
Custer jumps on his horse and charges right into a mass of Indian soldiers, stopping
just short of them. Arrows darken the sky. We cut to Cho-Cho, Big Fat Baby, Toast, and
Froggo, all wincing at the carnage.
Toast: Woah! Those dudes really want custard.
Miss Info: This might be a really good time to leave! We're packin' our teepee, people.
We're picking up the pace, we're andaleing! We're hittin' the trail. We're
walking, we're walking...we're stepping over calvary soldiers. We're
skedadalling! Please don't touch the sharp, pointy arrows that whiz past.
Thank you!
Father Time: Outmaneuvered by the Indians, Custer and his troops were wiped out in the fateful
battle of Little Bighorn. The only known survivor of Custer's forces was
Comanche, a horse.
Horse: I'm changin' my name to Lucky!
(commercial break)
World's Oldest Woman Jingle
Sketch 2 - Barry Ding Live with the Dowager Empress
Ding: During the 19th Century, a powerful woman emerged in China. She was a wife of one
emperor, mother of another emperor, the aunt of still another emperor. Until she
finally took control of China herself in 1898. Hi, I'm Barry Ding, and today my
guest is the woman herself, the Dowager Empress 'Kitty'.
Cixi: That's Cixi! [played by World's Oldest Woman, pronounced Chu-Shi]
Ding: Okay. Welcome to the show, empress, and I must say, those are some fingernails.
Cixi: All the better to gouge out your eyes if I don't like a question, Barry.
Ding: [laughs] Funny!
Cixi: No, I mean it.
Ding: Even funnier! I understand you've written a book.
Cixi: That's right, Barry. It's called "I Have Often Thought I Am the Cleverest Woman
Who Lived, and Others Cannot Compare With Me".
Ding: Catchy. Now, according to my sources, you arranged for your three-year-old nephew to
be named emperor in 1875.
Pule: [on screen, playing Tsai-t'len] Yeah.
Cixi: True, Barry. But I was really ruling China.
Ding: Fascinating. By the way, empress, I love Chinese food. You know what my favorite dish
is? The Number Five! [laughs]
Cixi: Very funny.
Ding: I know.
Cixi: [angered] ...I could have you purged in a nanosecond!
Ding: Fair enough. Now, it says here you thought your nephew was plotting against you, so
you seized power, locked him up, and began to rule China in your own name.
Pule: [on screen, in dungeon] Hey, that's not fair, I wanna be emperor! You're a big
meanie...[blubbers senselessly]
Cixi: Ohh...if you want a country run right, you just gotta do it yourself! So in 1908, I
arranged for another relative to take over the country. Pu Yi! [holds up BFB]
Ding: Interesting name, how'd the little guy get it?
Cixi: Take a whiff, Barry! [BFB farts]
Ding: Pu, Yi! I get it!
Cixi: I knew you would.
BFB: [squeals, coos]
Ding: You obviously enjoyed taking over China and wielding power with an iron fist.
Cixi: Let's put it this way...yes!
Ding: So in a nutshell, empress...you're a selfish madwoman and a power-hungry control freak!
Cixi: That's it, Barry! I've had it with you and your so-called funny Western jokes! I'm
gettin' rid of those silly suspenders, and takin' over this show!
Ding: What?!
Cixi: Guards!! [guards carry Barry off screaming]
Cixi: This has been the final broadcast of Barry Ding Live. Tune in next time for the all
new Dowager Empress Live! So long!
Sketch 3 - Histeria's Quote of the Day
Froggo: And now, with Histeria's "Quote of the Day"...Julius Caesar.
Caesar: Thanks, Kermit. I've said many things in my time, baby. Like I'm the one who said,
'Veni, Vidi, Vici', which means, 'I came, I saw, I conquered'! I made this boast in
ancient Anatolia, which is modern Turkey. Historians think that I said this after
defeating the King of Pontus. But Histerians know that I said it after finishing
the colossal falafel and tabuli combo plate at King Farnaceus' House of Hummus, with
two sides of cous-cous! The combo plate hasn't been made that can defeat Julius
Caesar. I came, I saw, I conquered...lunch!
Froggo: This has been Histeria's Quote of the Day.
Sketch 4 - Lucky Bob and Cho-Cho versus Genghis Khan
Father Time: The year, 1206 A.D.
Miss Info: And welcome to Mongolia! Having succeeded in unifying the Monghol tribes after
years of strife and bloodshed, the future world conquerer and megalomaniac,
Genghis Khan, was taking a well-deserved rest!
Genghis Khan, the megalomaniac in question, walks into his tent where Dr. Sigmund Freud
is waiting to psychoanalyze him.
Freud: [as Woody Allen] I'm afraid the pressures of holding together a marauding horde has
put you under a great deal of mental stress, Mr. Kahn.
Khan: [as John Wayne] It's true, doc, for a conquer I'm very high-strung.
Freud: Exactly, so...I want you should get plenty of peace and quiet. I'll come see you again
in two weeks.
Khan: All righty, then.
Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob come into the tent immediately after Freud leaves. They're wearing
aprons and foodservice hats.
Cho-Cho: Hello-o?? Hey mister! Wanna buy a waffle?
Khan: What?
Cho-Cho: Want a waffle? We're selling waffles!
L. Bob: Heeeere's....waffle!
Khan: No! I don't want a waffle! Get out of here! I need to relax! I'm under doctor's
orders!
Cho-Cho: No waffle?
Khan: No! [chases them out of his tent]
L. Bob: Hi-yo!
Khan: Crazy kids.
Genghis lies down on his bed, when suddenly Cho-Cho reappears, inches from his face.
Cho-Cho: [whispering] Hey mister!
Khan: [screams]
Cho-Cho: Wanna buy a cookie? We got cookies now! Better product!
L. Bob: Heeere's...cookies!
Cho-Cho: And they're warm, too!
Khan: Who keeps letting these kids in? The great Khan is tryin' to relax! Hello?! I'm
guessing someone in security wants to lose his head over this!
Toast: Ho-oh! Sorry about about that, great Khan dude. We got a little distracted.
Froggo: The WB is running the "Sister, Sister" marathon. Oh, how they make us laugh.
Khan: Out! Out! Get them out of here! They're stressing me out!
Toast: Woah, I this dude needs a chill pill.
Khan: I heard that!! I-I-I-I gotta get outta here. This place is driving me nuts!
Seeing a sun-drenched river bed nearby, Khan's face lights up.
Khan: I'll go fishing, uh-huh. That always calms me down.
Khan catches something. Reeling it in, he finds Cho and Bob at the end of the line.
Cho-Cho: Hey, mister!
Khan: (screams)
Cho-Cho: Wanna buy some cheese?
L. Bob: Heeere's...sneeze!
Cho-Cho: No. Not sneeze. Cheese.
L. Bob: Oh. Heeeere's...cheese!
Khan gags and flings the two kids into the air. He runs over to his horse.
Khan: Hey. That's it! A ride. Genghis needs a horsey ride!
Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob, riding a donkey, ride up alongside Genghis and his horse.
Khan: Sweet mother of pearl! Not you again!
Cho-Cho: Hey mister! Wanna buy some chips?
L. Bob: Heeere's...chips!
Khan: No! No! No!! I don't wanna buy a waffle, or a cookie, or cheese, or chips!
Leave me alone! You're driving me crazy! [sees horse has stopped] Giddy-up!
Horse: [shakes head, neighs]
Khan: What? What's wrong with you?
Horse: I want chips.
Khan: [shudders] That's it! I can't take it anymore! I'm outta here! Everybody mount
up! Come on, mangy rabble! We're gonna invade China! Monghol hordes, ho!!
Genghis and his soldiers storm off into the horizon. Miss Info stands on a nearby bluff.
Miss Info: So there you have it! For reasons heretofore unknown, Genghis Khan went nuts,
and decided to invade China!
Father Time: Genghis went on to conquer 4.8 million square miles of land, including parts
of Siberia, Mongolia, and Northern China, making him the number one conqueror
in all of history who controlled the most land.
Khan: Ah, China is mine! Now I can finally relax!
Cho-Cho: Hey mister, wanna buy some lo-mein?
L. Bob: Heeeere's...lo-mein!
Khan: [screams, runs off]
Cho-Cho: Oh well. I guess he shoulda bought a waffle.
L. Bob: Heeeere's...waffle!
(commercial break)
Sketch 5 - The Sound of Stalin (song)
Announcer: And now, live from 1944 in the Soviet Union, it's Josef Stalin!
Stalin: Greetings! You know, life of brutal dictator isn't always sunshine and
lollipopsky. Sometimes is looooonely job. But when I'm feeling cranky,
and a little blue, I sit around and consider the many things which make
me happy.
Lyrics
Sketch 6 - Megalomaniac Memories
Announcer: From Our Lady of the Hacking Cough Retirement Village in Saddle River, New Jersey,
it's Megalomaniac Memories, with your host Bill Straitman!
Bill: Welcome. We're here today with someone who personally knew many famous
megalomaniacs, the World's Oldest Woman. Hello?
WOW: [waking up] Bingo! I won a dollar! Oh...oh, it's you, my boytoy.
Bill: Sorry to wake you.
WOW: Hey, I'm glad to be woken. At my age, waking up is called 'a big surprise'.
Bill: And, how old are you, may I ask?
WOW: Remember when air was invented?
Bill: No.
WOW: I do.
Bill: That's old.
WOW: Yeah, I told ya. Hey, hey, hey, didja bring me the candy corn I asked for? You
know, the kind...that you get at Halloween?
Bill: No, no, I forgot, I forgot. Now, I understand that you were familiar with the
emperor Caligula.
WOW: No...I forgot. [turns away]
Bill: I'll bring the candy corn next time, I promise.
WOW: Oh yeah, good. And some of those sourballs, because they're good the whole year
'round. Anytime.
Bill: Fine. Now, about emperor Caligula.
WOW: Yeah, right, Caligula! You know, well, we went around for a while, hung out, but
I ended things because he had those...Roman hands, if you know what I'm talkin'
about, you know what I'm saying?
Bill: Well...history tells us, he killed everyone who stood in his way of his
bloodthirsty quest for power over the Roman Empire.
WOW: Blah, blah, blah, yeah, well sure, there was that, but did they ever mention his
laughing eyes? Huh? Answer me.
Bill: Wel...
WOW: [cutting him off] No! No, I didn't think so. See.
Bill: How about Atilla, leader of the invading Huns who ravaged the Italian countryside
in 450 A.D.?
WOW: Let me put it this way--
There once was a hun named Atilla,
Whose temper would scare a gorilla.
He thought it was keen,
To be vicious and mean,
I'd rather be dating Godzilla.
The audience applauds.
WOW: Thank you very much. You've very kind. I'll be here through Sunday.
Bill: Moving on. In 1542, you were briefly engaged to the ruler of England, Henry VIII.
WOW: Oh, Henry, he was so squeezy. Loved to get married. Whatever the question was,
he'd answer "I do". You know, he was considering me for his sixth wife.
Bill: Really.
WOW: Oh, yeah. But since he beheaded two out of his first five wives--chop, chop--
I thought it best that we just date, do you know what I mean.
Bill: Is it true about Ivan the Terrible, was he...was he truly terrible?
WOW: Daah...when I knew him he was called "Ivan the Not-So-Hot"
Bill: Really.
WOW: Yeah, he was only truly 'terrible' when he had a few...beverages in him, if you
know what I'm sayin', then look out! Woah! Total personality change.
Bill: Oh, boy.
WOW: Oh, it was frightening.
Bill: Ah, yeah. All right. Okay. Well, what I'm going to do now is name some names,
and, uh, tell me the first thing that comes to your mind, okay?
WOW: Okay, all right, but let's wrap this up pretty soon, because my arteries are
hardening.
Bill: Um...
WOW: About that time.
Bill: Lenin, father of the former Soviet Union?
WOW: Oh, yeah, you know, Lenin loved pastrami. But not too fatty. Oh, that reminds me
of a joke. You ready? We were in Russia, we were Hungary, so Vyet! You get it?
[laughs] That joke was huge! Huge in the twenties. It cracked Lenin up every
time.
Bill: Emperor Hirohito of Japan.
WOW: Quiet. But, uh, with a strange sort of an odor. He smelled of wet puppies. But,
you know, in a good way. Not, not a...you know, in a good way. I'm, you know.
Bill: [slightly disgusted] ...good way.
WOW: Yeah.
Bill: Uh, back to the names.
WOW: Yeah, okay.
Bill: Adolf Hitler, leader of Nazi Germany in 1933 and the cause of World War Two.
WOW: Not your morning person. You know, it took him three cups of coffee just
to wake up and invade Poland!
Bill: Oh, cranky fella?
WOW: Oh, the worst. You know, you're never supposed to wish ill on anyone, but with
him, I made an exception. I wished he'd die like a dog, and he did!
[opens up a door in the floor to a pit of flames] Good riddance, you monster!
Burn, baby, burn! Fry, you murdering yutz!
Bill: How about Iraqi strongman, Saddam Hussein?
WOW: In a word...ticklish. [laughs]
Bill: [laughs]
WOW: [moans in pain] Hey, hey, nature calls. And when you get to be my age, you answer,
but quick, you know what I'm sayin'?
Bill: Well, thank you, thank you for your insights, do you have any final words of
wisdom that you'd like to leave us with?
WOW: Oh, yeah, sure. [clears throat] I knew a lot of people who would do anything, no
matter how nasty, to get what they want. The beautiful thing is...nothing's
changed! So be nice, it doesn't hurt anybody. Hey, and next time, bring me
some candy.
Bill: Sour balls.
WOW: Yeah, both. Don't forget the candy corn.
Bill: Candy corn, corn, yes.
WOW: Yeah, now don't forget.
Bill: So long from Megalomaniac Memories.
WOW: You know, I also enjoy the occasional lemon drop.
Bill: Fascinating. [exit music begins to play]
WOW: Yeah, so go ahead and add them to the list.
Bill: Okay.
WOW: Yeah, and some root beer barrels, too.
Bill: Right.
WOW: Yeah, always good. Last a long time.
Bill: Right, right.
WOW: Yeah, don't forget. I'm the one that's supposed to forget things, not you.
Outro - Megalomaniacs (song)
