(After Ross decides to break up with Bonnie)
Ross “Well, yeah. I can’t-I can’t stay here all night, and if I
go in there she’s-she’s gonna wanna... do stuff.”
Rachel “Well, can’t you tell her that you are not in the mood?”
“No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn’t work either, I
can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...”
(interrupting) “Whoa-ho.”
“Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?”
“I don’t know.”
(Episode 401- “The One With the Jellyfish)
(To ease the pain of a jellyfish sting)
Joey “You’re gonna have to pee on it.”
Monica “What?!! Gross!!”
“Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.”
Chandler “Y'know what, he’s right. There’s something like uh, ammonia in
that, that like kills the pain.”
“Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!”
“If you want some privacy you can use my hole.”
(Episode 401- “The One with the Jellyfish”)
(After he finds out what Rachel meant by “Does it?”)
Ross “WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!”
Chandler “ Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break up with
you!”
(Episode 401- “The One with the Jellyfish”
Ross “Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that
beach trip an annual thing?”
Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!
(Episode 401- “The One with the Jellyfish”)
(The confession of the events on the beach)
Joey “Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s
eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.”
Monica (interrupting) “All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the
living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I
couldn’t walk.”
Chandler (following Monica) “We were two miles from the house. Scared and
alone. We didn’t think we could make it.” (He goes to put his
hands on Monica’s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete
the action and pulls back.)
“I was in too much pain.”
“And I was tired from digging the huge hole!”
“And then Joey remembered something.”
“I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...”
Ross “Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah!
About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and
turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!”
Phoebe and Rachel: “Ewwww!!”
“You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I
was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I
couldn’t...bend that way. So... “(looks at Joey.)
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) “Ewwww!!”
“That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help!
And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I
couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there
was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to
Chandler.”
(wails loudly into his hands) “Joey kept screaming at me,
‘Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!’ Sometimes late at
night I can still hear the screaming.”
(laughs) “That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall
to freak you out.”
(Episode 401- “The One with the Jellyfish”)
(Pleased with Ross “maturity”)
Rachel “Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned
up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown.
Y'know?”
Ross: (getting miffed) “I suppose.”
“You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean
my mom never thought this would work out. It was all, ‘Once a
cheater, always a cheater.’”
(getting angry) “Umm-hmm.”
“Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if
time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...”
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) “WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!”
(Episode 401- “The One with the Jellyfish”)
(still trying to convince Monica he’s boyfriend material)
Monica (sets down some cards) “Gin.”
Chandler “We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could
play this game naked.”
(Episode 401- “The One with the Jellyfish”)
(Writing down an answering machine message)
Monica: “Chip, is Chip Matthews.”
Ross: “The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you?”
“ ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute.”
“Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular guy in school!!”
“I know!!”
(402- “The One With the Cat)
(After Chandler tells Joey he’s selling their entertainment
center for $50)
Joey “What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an
accountant.”
Chandler: “Nooo.”
“Oh. What do you do?”
“I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for a living!”
Phoebe: “Yeah, I actually don’t know...”
Ross: “Good, so do I”
Rachel: “Something to do with numbers?”
(402 - The One With the Cat)
(On why she wants to go out with Chip)
Monica: “Look, you and I went to different high schools...”
Rachel: “Okay, that doesn’t help me, because we went to the same high school.”
* “You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off
Chip’s motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to
one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made.”
(shocked) “They had to have that specially made?!”
“It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.”
(stunned) “Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot!”
(Episode 402 - The One With the Cat)
(Rachel trying to get to Ross)
Ross: “Come on, you-you can’t tell me you actually believe that-that
there’s a woman inside that cat!”
Rachel: “I believe it.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No you do--y'know what, you’re not gonna suck me into this.”
“Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right.”
“I do not always have to be--okay, okay.” (starts to leave)
“Jurassic Park could happen.”
(Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.)
(Episode 402 - The One With the Cat)
(Of his new girlfriend, who Chandler is in love with)
Joey: “I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you,
then the least you can do is pretend.”
Chandler: “I am pretending.”
“Well then, do it better!”
“Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I
like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I
can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't
stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm
so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in
love with her, that for every minute of every hour of everyday
I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!”
“Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.”
(Episode 405- TOW Joey’s New Girlfriend)
(Of Phoebe kissing him in hopes to catch his cold)
Gunther: “Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I
also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty.”
Rachel: (confused) “Okay.”
“So umm, are we cool?”
(really confused) “Okay.”
“I knew you'd understand.”
(Episode 405- TOW Joey’s New Girlfriend)
(Of Ross’s hot new girlfriend)
Rachel: “Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see
who can bring home the biggest geek."
Ross: “Fine by me; hope she wins."
(Episode 406- TOW the Dirty Girl)
(Of Ross’ messy new girlfriend)
Joey: “All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! (Ross hesitates,
looks unsure) (Makes hilarious pig snort sound)
(406- TOW the Dirty Girl)
(After she asks Chandler if he needs a portable headset)
Ross: “Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your
office?”
Rachel: “You shouldn’t.”
(407- TOW Chandler in a Box)
(Ready to make up with Chandler)
Joey: “Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?”
Gunther: “I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of you is over there.”
(407- TOW Chandler in a Box)
(Of her going out with Richard’s son)
Monica: “Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a
lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points
to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey)
threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin’
in a box!!” (goes to her room)
(407- TOW Chandler in a Box)
(After Ross is upset that she returns all her gifts)
Rachel: “Don’t say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross what’s
in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an
eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed!
(Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from the first time
we… were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but
I keep the things that matter!”
Ross: “I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry. Though, you’re not supposed
to take these. (Points to the bone) It’s like a million years
old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.”
(Rachel glares at him.)
(407- TOW Chandler in a Box)
(After reading Monica’s horrible review of his restaurant)
Allesandro: “I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill!”
Monica: “I couldn’t eat it! I had five friends who couldn’t eat it,
and one of them eats books.”
“Well our service is not grossly incompetent.”
“The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants!”
“Well, you said that we accept the Discover Card, which we
do not!”
“All right, that I’ll retract. But I stand by my review, I know
food and that wasn’t it. Your marinara sauce tasted like tomato
juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery.”
(409- TOW They’re Going to PARTY!!)
(After spending the day “partying”)
Ross: “I’m kinda beat.”
Chandler: “Actually, me too.”
Joey: “Are you serious?!”
Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
“Thank God! I’m exhausted!
Gunther: “So you guys want coffees?”
“Yeah, but uh, I don’t want to be up too late, so uh, I’ll have
a decaf.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I
think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to
be so loud?”
“I can’t hear a word you’re saying, my ears are ringing so bad.”
"I’m just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y’know?
I used them as mittens, I didn’t want to touch a thing in that
last place.”
(pause)
”How sad are we?”
(409- TOW They’re Going to PARTY!!)
(Agreeing to let Chandler fix her up with someone from his work)
Rachel: “Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t
like guys with boring jobs.”
Chandler: “Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?”
(410- TOW the Girl from Poughkeepsie)
(After comforting Rachel about being alone)
Chandler: “Have you ever been with a woman?”
Rachel: “What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!”
“So there is no good time to ask that question.”
(410- TOW the Girl from Poughkeepsie)
(Of his new job at Ross’s museum)
Joey: “Check it out! Check it out! Guess what job I got?” [smoothes
the blue blazer he's wearing and has a big grin on his face]
Chandler: “I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.” [stops]
Ross: “What?”
“Blue blazer *back*. He, he wants it *back*.“
Rachel: “Well you said *black*. Why would he want his blue blazer black? “
Chandler: “Well, you, you know what I meant.“
Monica: “No, you've messed it up. You're stupid.“
(411- TOW Phoebe’s Uterus)
(Of he and Kathy)
Chandler: “Oh, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, but what's the big deal, you
know? This is special, and I want our love to grow, before we
move to the next level.”
[Monica and Rachel look at him with newfound respect.]
Rachel: “Chandler, that is so nice.”
Ross: “Yeah, that is nice......lying!! No way is that the reason.”
“Why, just because you're not mature enough to understand
something like that?”
“No, he's right, I'm totally lying.”
[Ross gives Rachel a smug, "I told you so" look. Rachel glares at
him and gives him that 2-fisted signal that represents the
finger. Ross, in turn, looks shocked.]
(411- TOW Phoebe’s Uterus)
(Of Chandler’s fear to have sex with Kathy because Joey was her
last boyfriend)
Ross: “And you're afraid you won't be able to *fill his shoes*.” [grins]
Chandler: “No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.”
[stops grinning] “Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.”
“Yes and I was saying the actual words.”
[Monica and Rachel have been trying not to laugh during this exchange.]
(411- TOW Phoebe’s Uterus)
(of the scientists eating lunch together, separate from
the tour guides)
Ross: “It's like that everywhere Joey. Okay, Mon, back me up here.
Where you work, the waiters eat with the other waiters and the
chefs eat with the other chefs, right?”
Monica: “I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me."
[Rachel puts her arm consolingly around Monica]
(411- TOW Phoebe’s Uterus)
(Wanting to make his sex better)
Chandler: “Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with
a woman. I know where everything goes. It's always...nice.
But I need to know what makes it go from "nice" to "My God,
somebody's killing her in there!"
Monica: “All right, I'm going to show you something a lot of guys don't
know. Rach, hand me that pad over there.” (Rach gets a pad and
pen off the table and hands it to Monica.) “All right. Now...”
(starts to draw)
“You don't have to draw an actual wo -- [looks at Monica's
drawing] Whoa, she' hot.”
“Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got, (starts
labeling her diagram) one, two, three, (Chandler nods impatiently),
four(now Chandler looks up, surprised), five, six, and seven.”
[shocked] “There are seven?”
Rachel: “Let me see that.” [looks at the drawing] “Oh yeah.”
Chandler: [points to diagram] “That's one?”
Monica (chuckles) “Kind of an important one.”
“Oh, you know what, I was looking at it upside down.”
“Well, you know, sometimes that helps.”
“Okay, now, most guys will hit one, two, and three and then
go to seven and set up camp.”
“And that's bad?”
“Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the
Matterhorn.”
“Well you might if it were anything like seven.”
“All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You
want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to
keep them on their toes.”
“Oh, TOES!!” [raises hands in air. They both look at her.]
“Yeah, for some people.”
* “Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one; a two; a one, two,
three; a three; a five; a four, a three-two; a two, a
two-four-six;” (Monica starts to get into it) “two-four-six;
four” (Rachel kind of moves back and stretches out) “a two;”
(Monica now has her eyes closed and is getting visibly
excited)“two; four-seven; five-seven” (Chandler looks away from
both of them as if he can't believe what's happening);
“six-seven; seven, seven,” (faster) “SEVEN, SEVEN,
SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-” (Chandler looks at her in disbelief)
“SEVEN-SEVEN!”(Monica, eyes still closed, leans back and
shudders and says silently, while holding up seven fingers,
"seven".)
(411- TOW Phoebe’s Uterus)
(The morning after Monica’s “lesson”)
[Kathy enters, hair disheveled, shirt buttoned up in the wrong
holes. She kneels by Monica's chair and hugs her.]
Kathy: “Thank you. Thank you. [hugs her again and then gets up to leave]
"Thank you. Yes, thank you!” [leaves]
(Monica looks pleased with herself)
(411- TOW Phoebe’s Uterus)
(Arguing about who knows who better)
Joey: “And I’m still right!”
Monica: “That is sooo not true!”
Rachel: “What?”
“She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means
she’s wearing her old lady underpants.”
(412- TOW the Embryos)
(Raising the stakes on their bet)
Monica: “I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the
rooster?”
Rachel: “Oooohh that’s interesting.”
Joey: “Hey, no way, that rooster’s family!”
“Throw in the duck too!”
“What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise!”
“Well, he gets the other one all riled up.”
“Look, we are not gonna…”
Chandler: (interrupting) “All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the
birds.”
(shocked) “Dah!!” (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
“But if we win, we get your apartment.”
“Oooooh!”
“Deal!”
(412- TOW the Embryos)
(Of Kathy’s new play)
Phoebe: “Ooh! How was Kathy’s play?”
Ross: “Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good
lookin’ guy.”
Chandler: “Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst
nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!”
“That’s a good idea for a business!”
“I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on
stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast
parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be
like, ‘So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?’
And she’ll go, ‘No-no-no, it’s Chandler.’ And he’ll go,
‘Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!’ “
Joey: (to Ross) “That-that is a good trick.”
(413- TOW Rachel’s Crush)
(Of Kathy and Nick, her co-star)
Joey: “Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors
are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between
them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got
nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when
you’re in trouble.”
Chandler: “Really?”
“Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in,
have I ever had chemistry on stage?”
Ross: “No.”
“Noooo!!”
(413 - TOW Rachel’s Crush)
(Of how to get a date)
Joey: “Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say,
‘Hey, how you doin’?’ “
Phoebe: “Oh, please!”
(to Phoebe) “Hey, how you doin’?”
(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
(413- TOW Rachel‘s Crush)
(While Joey prepares for his fishing trip)
Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) “Ohh, Geller’s got one
hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging
the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between
man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone
knocked over a lamp.”
(414- TOW Joey’s Dirty Day)
(Of Chandler’s Road to Recovery after his break-up)
Monica: “What’s Phase Two?”
Joey: “Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.”
Rachel: “How does going to a strip club help him better?”
Ross: “Because there are naked ladies there.”
“Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with
other women.”
“There are naked ladies there too.”
(414- TOW Joey’s Dirty Day)
(Of having to take her boss’ niece out instead of going on a
date with Joshua)
Rachel: “Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This
is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the
"Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all
right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
Monica: “No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you
smell.”
“Ohh! (Realizes that Ross is in the room.) Hi!”
Ross: “Hi!”
“So….”
“No.”
“Ohhhh, come on!!!”
(414- tow Joey's Dirty Day)
(Of the baby’s first kick)
Phoebe: “It kicked! I think the baby kicked!”
Monica: “Oh my God!”
“Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.”
(414- TOW Joey’s Dirty Day)
(Of Ross’ first date with Emily)
Monica: “He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!”
Phoebe: “What? Oh my God!”
Rachel: “What? Who the hell is Emily—(realizes) noooo!!”
(414- TOW Joey’s Dirty Day)
(Upset about Ross’ first date with Emily)
Rachel: “I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m
getting nowhere with Joshua that— y’know what still, you do
not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!”
Monica: “Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.”
“Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…
little…thing!!”
(414- TOW Joey’s Dirty Day)
(Obsessed with a switch that apparently does nothing)
Monica: “Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody
ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I
hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start
looking until Rachel realizes it’s Joey.)
Rachel: "It’s coming from Joey!"
Phoebe: “Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!!”
(415- TOW All the Rugby)
(Of Ross playing rugby to impress Emily)
Joey: “Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said
you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!”
Ross: “Hey, I can handle it! All right?”
Rachel: “Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with
my dad.”
“That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me.”
(415- TOW All the Rugby)
(Of the guy outside the scrum that Ross was going to act like
just getting attacked)
Rachel: “Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.”
(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)
(415- TOW All the Rugby)
(Of Monica’s obsession with the switch)
Rachel: “You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today,
and guess what happened?”
Monica: “He asked you out?!”
“No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.”
“Saucy!”
(refers to the table) What are these?
“Electrical plans for the building.”
“Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?”
“I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to
city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in
line for three hours.”
“Wow! If only more people knew.”
(415- TOW All the Rugby)
(Of getting killed in the rugby game)
Ross: “What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross!”
Joey: “Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be Dead Ross!”
(415- TOW All the Rugby)
(Of Phoebe sick being pregnant)
Phoebe: “Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.”
Joey: “Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.”
“That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too.”
(416- TOW the Fake Party)
(Of wanting to get Joshua in a social setting)
Rachel: “We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s
actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he
said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party
if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the
perfect opportunity to seduce him!” (Hands Ross a party hat.)
Ross: “Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I
aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to
come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special
evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party."
(416- TOW the Fake Party)
(Of the grossness of Joey and Chandler)
Mr. Treeger: “Ohhh, man!!”
Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) “What is that?”
Chandler: “Treeger’s snaking the shower drain.”
“What in the name of hell?”
“Maybe he found your flip-flop.”
(417- TOW the Free Porn)
Joey: “Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out!”
Phoebe: “Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my
OB-GYN today.”
(417- TOW the Free Porn)
(Learning she is going to have triplets)
The Doctor: “Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?”
Phoebe: “Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again,
I’ll hold onto your card, okay?”
“No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats.”
“Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one!”
.
.
.
.
“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few
months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’
around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log
rides where they just come shooting out!”
“Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different
from giving birth to one.”
“What do you know?!”
(417- TOW the Free Porn)
(Learning he’s having triplets)
Frank: “No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And
that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.”
(417- TOW the Free Porn)
(Of telling Emily he loves her and she didn’t day it back)
Ross: “What do I do now?”
Joey: “You play hard to get.”
“She already lives in London.”
“Then you go to Tokyo.”
Chandler: “All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her,
* it’s over.”
Monica: “It is not over! You’re over!”
“What?”
“You know!”
“Okay. (Pause) Good one.”
(417- TOW the Free Porn)
(Asking Phoebe another favor)
Alice: “Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favor.”
Phoebe: “Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in
my uterus.” (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see,
I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name
* one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.”
Chandler: “Wouldn’t that be Frank the III?”
“Don’t get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are
three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we
would be truly honored if you named the other boy baby.”
“Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.”
“You think about it.”
(418- TOW Rachel’s New Dress)
(Of Emily agreeing to show Susan around London)
Ross: “Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so…”
Emily: “Are you all right?”
Susan: “Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is
difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me.”
“Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true.”
(418- TOW Rachel’s New Dress)
(Convinced Emily will fall in love with Susan)
Ross: “Hey!”
Carol: “Hey! How’s Ben?”
“Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, ‘No.’ I
asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, ‘No.’ I asked him what
he wanted to do, he said, ‘No.‘ So, he’s sweeping. (We
see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.)
“Hey, Ben! Hey!”
“So umm, any word from Susan?”
“Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily.”
“Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to
you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little
too much fun?”
“What’s too much fun?”
“Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.”
“Oh my God, you are so paranoid!”
“Am I?!”
“Yes!”
Ross: “Am I?!”
Carol: “I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed
relationship.”
“Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a
moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off.
Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and
they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing,
y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s
electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there
isn’t even the slightest possibility of something
happening?”
“Maybe.”
“OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!!”
(418- TOW Rachel’s Dress)
(After Joey tells him his name is stupid)
Chandler: “Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.”
Joey: “So, you’re just Bing?”
“I have no name.”
Phoebe: “All right, so, what are we supposed to call you?”
Chandler: “Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.”
“No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint.”
“Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?”
“Umm, Gene.”
“It’s Clint. It’s Clint!” (He heads for his bedroom.)
“See you later, Gene.”
“Bye, Gene.”
“It’s Clint! Clint!”
“What’s up with Gene?”
(418- TOW Rachel’s Dress)
(telling the girls about Joshua’s parents walking in on their date)
Monica: “So, you wore your nightie to dinner?”
Rachel: “Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter
* spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.”
Phoebe: “Oh my God!”
“Oh, no!”
“No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs.”
(418 - TOW Rachel's Dress)
(totally obsessed with Emily falling in love with Susan)
Ross: “So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together!”
Monica: “Emily’s straight.”
“Oh, wake up!”
Phoebe: “Wow, Carol really messed you up!”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy,
jealous, sycophant.” (They all look at her.) “All right,
so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.”
“Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy,
jealous person.”
Rachel “Huh.”
“What?”
“She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked
out about Mark and there was nothing going on.”
“This totally makes sense!”
“It does not!”
“Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all
even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!”
“All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting,
then ’94 hit, Carol left him and bam! Paranoid city!”
“Absolutely! Absolutely!”
“This is so much fun!”
“This is not fun!”
“Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened
with Carol ruin what you got with Emily.”
“Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t.”
“Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.”
“What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.”
(418 - TOW Rachel’s Dress)
(Complaining about their apartment)
Rachel: “Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.”
Monica: “Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.”
* “Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the
floor!”
(419 - TOW All the Haste)
(Sick of being pregnant)
Phoebe: (angrily) “That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!”
Monica: “That’s also like the tenth time you told us.”
“Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya,
it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bring in da Noise,
Bring in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being
pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee,
which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!”
Ross: “Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?”
(starting to cry) “Thank you so much.”
Rachel: “So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?”
“I haven’t really had any yet.”
(422 - TOW the Worst Best Man Ever)
(Of Phoebe having contractions)
Monica: “Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised
it since the guys moved out!”
Rachel: “Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay.
I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up
some sheets!”
Phoebe: “No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labor. They said that,
that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.”
“Rachel, get the book! The book!”
“Okay!” (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.)
“Okay! Here!”
“The Bible?!”
“I don’t know!”
(422- TOW the Worst Best Man Ever)
(Of their plan to get the ring back from the stripper)
Joey: “All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind
the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t
recognize you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then
you buzz Ross and I.“(to Ross) “You be Mr. Gonzalez, and
I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.”
Ross: “Diverse”
(422- TOW the Worst Best Man Ever)
(When she leaves for London)
Monica: “Okay, if you need the vacuum, it's in my closet on the left-hand
side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator...”
Phoebe: “Okay, okay, but Rachel's gonna be here too, can't I just ask
her this stuff?”
“Yeah, okay, give that a try!”
(423 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part One)
(Telling Emily to postpone the wedding)
Monica: “But either way... You're gonna get married, you're gonna be
happy, my mom's gonna like you better than me.
(Emily smiles a bit and looks uncomfortable.)
“Oh, god... She's told you that already, didn't she?!”
(423-TOW Ross’ Wedding Part One - Uncut)
(On why Rachel didn’t want to go to the wedding)
Phoebe: “Eh, don't be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love
with was getting married...”
Rachel: (interrupting) “Still in love with?!”
“Yeah!”
“I'm not in love with Ross!”
“Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.”
“Phoebe, I'm not going to Ross's wedding because he is my
ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable.
* Not because, I'm still in love with him! I mean, hey, y'know,
I like Ross as much as the next guy, y'know? Clearly I have
feelings for him, but feelings don't mean love! I mean, I still
have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have
continuing feelings of love, but that doesn't mean that-that
I'm still in love with him. Y'know? I-I have sexual feelings
for him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my-why didn't you
tell me?!!”
“We thought you knew!”
“Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!”
“You all know? Does Ross know?”
“Oh no, Ross doesn't know anything.”
“Oh, I cannot believe you didn't tell me!”
“Well, because we thought you knew!! It's so obvious! God,
that would be like telling Monica, ‘Hey, you like things
clean.’ "
(423- TOW Ross‘ Wedding Part One)
(Of Monica’s talk with Emily)
Monica: “Hey!”
Ross: “Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.”
* (laughs) “Yes, I did! And you are welcome!”
“Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!”
“Umm...”
“Hey-hey, since you're the 'fix-it' lady, here's a pickle, what
do you do when the bride says she doesn't want to have the
wedding at all?”
“She said that?!”
“Yeah.”
“Why?!”
“I don't know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding
just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.”
“Oh my God. You're even dumber than I am!”
“Excuse me?”
(423 - TOW Ross Wedding Part One)
(Of Rachel’s decision to go to London)
Phoebe: “That's not why you're going! You're going because you hope
he's gonna say, ‘Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that
British chippy.’“
Rachel: “Ohh-Do you think he will?!”
“No! Because he's in love with the British chippy! Look,
Rachel, if you go, you're just gonna mess with his head and
ruin his wedding! Y'know, it's too late! You missed your
chance! I'm sorry, I know this must be really hard, it's over.”
“Y'know what? No. It's not over until someone says, ‘I do.’”
“I do! I do! I do!” (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn't
stop.) “I do!” (Gives up.) “Ugh, like I can really chase you.
I'm carrying a litter.”
(423 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part One)
(Getting her ticket to London)
Ticket Agent: “The last minute fare on this ticket is $2700.”
Rachel: (Pause) “Huh.. How about 600?”
“Sorry.”
“How about 600 and these earrings?”
“They prefer it if I don't barter.”
(looking through her wallet.) “Ohh, I just don't think I have
enough left on my credit card.”
“Well you can split it with another credit card.”
“Ohh, okay, how about five?”
(423 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part One Uncut)
(After a guest calls her Ross’ mother)
Monica: “Oh, my mother's right. I'm never going to get married.”
Chandler: “Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn't want you?”
“Ohh, Please?! I'm a single mom, with a thirty year old son!!”
(424- TOW Ross’ Wedding Part Two)
(Of the ticket agent’s refusal to call back the plane)
Rachel: “Look, If I don't get to London!! He is going to marry that other
girl!!!”
Ticket Agent: “I can't imagine why.”
“All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you
call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter
twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign
on the counter and tapping it twice.)
(424 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part Two)
(Coming into Chandler’s room)
Ross: (Screaming) “I'm getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!”
Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) “Morning, Ross.”
“I'm getting married, to..day!!”
“Yeah you are!!”
“Ahh, whoo-hoo!!” (He runs back out the door.)
* Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) “Do
you think he knew I was here?” (Chandler quickly looks at
Monica not knowing what to say.)
(424 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part Two)
(Of the set-up for the wedding)
Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It's like a fairyland."
Mrs. Waltham: “I know, it's horrible isn't it?”
Monica: “Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.”
“I just hope...”
(Angrily.) “You can let some of them go by!”
(424 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part Two)
(Of the parents’ arguing over the wedding bill)
Ross: (Stepping in between them.) “Okay! Okay! That's it!! Parents!!
Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day!
From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word.
NO GRANDCHILDREN!” (Pointing at his mother.) “That's
right!!”
(424 - TOW Ross’ Wedding Part Two)
(Ross’ infamous vows)
* Minister: “Now Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross...”
Ross: “I, Ross...”
“Take thee, Emily...”
“Take thee, Rachel...”(All his friends have looks of shock
on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says:)
“Emily.” (A slight chuckle.) “Emily.”
(424- TOW Ross’ Wedding Part Two)
(After Ross messes up his wedding vows)
* Mrs. Geller: “This is worse than when he married the lesbian.”
(501 - TOA Ross Said Rachel)
(After Ross says the wrong name)
* Joey: “Well, that went well. Yeah.”
* Chandler: “It could've been worse, he could've shot her.”
(501 - TOA Ross Said Rachel)
(At the reception)
Ross: “She's just fixing her makeup.”
Emily: “I hate you!!”
“And, I love you!!
Mr. Geller: “Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?”
“That's true, thanks, Dad.” (To All) “People should be dancing!
Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He
starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
(TOA Ross Says Rachel)
(Of their new relationship)
Chandler: “I'm just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.”
Monica: “I know. How could we have let this happen?”
“Seven times!”
(501 - TOA Ross Said Rachel)
(Of breaking the rules)
Monica: “Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn't eat
meat until she has the babies!”
Joey: “Well, I figured we're in another country, so it doesn't count.”
“That's true.”
Chandler: “The man's got a point.”
(TOA Ross Said Rachel)
(Of his maritial stress)
Joey: “Ross, hey, the band's ready outside for your first dance with
Emily, so...”
Ross: (sarcastic) “Oh! Oh-oh, the band's ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what
the band says-I don't care about the stupid band!!”
“You spit on me man! “ (Wipes his face.)
(501 - TOA Ross Said Rachel)
(After agreeing not to do it in New York)
Chandler: “I'm still on London time, does that count?”
Monica: “That counts!”
(501 - TOA Ross Said Rachel)
(Taking a bubble bath together)
* Monica: “You look cute in bubbles.”
* Chandler: “Ehh, you're just liquored up.”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(After Ross lost Emily)
Chandler: “I can't believe she can out run you man!”
Ross: “HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's
outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think
you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!!”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(After deciding she makes bad decisions)
Rachel: “Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and
from now on you make all of my decisions for me.”
Phoebe: “Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable
having that kind of power and control over someone's life.”
Monica: “I'll do it!”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Of Emily’s lingering hostility)
Ross: “It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red
roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily,
cut up into mulch!”
Rachel: “Oh, honey that's awful.”
“Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I
think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while.”
“But, it's not raining.”
“I can't catch a break!”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Of wanting to admit her real feelings)
Monica: “What the hell were you trying to do?”
Rachel: “Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted…tell him
y'know, that I'm still in love with him.”
(Gasps) “What?!! You cannot tell him that!!”
“Why? Why not?! People love to hear that!”
“I make the decisions, and I say no.”
“Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because
y'know what, you're fired.”
“You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not
fired!" Ha!”
“Well… (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry
and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to
run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to
find that Rachel had locked the door.)
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Of Emily’s anger)
Ross: “I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily.
(Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre.”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Telling Ross her feelings)
Rachel: “Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it.
Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you, Ross.”
(Ross is stunned.)
Ross: “Wow. Umm… Huh… I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now.”
(Rachel starts laughing hysterically.)
“What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean.”
(Laughing) "I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.”
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's
ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married
and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when I said
it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And,
and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel
(laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!"
“Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my
wife since the wedding.”
(laughs) “I'm sorry, that's not funny.”
“Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't
know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?"
Don't know! “
“Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think
that you just forget that I told you this?”
“Well, I kinda have to. I mean, because the thing is…”
“The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily.”
“That is what the thing is.”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Of Phoebe going into labor)
Joey: “Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking?”
Monica: “Oh my God! Your water broke!”
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Of what’s about to happen)
Monica: “I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!”
Chandler: “I know, it's beautiful. Amazing.” (They kiss)
* Chandler: “Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel
every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see
us having sex.”
* “Do you know anything about women?”
* “No.”
* “That's all right.”
* “Okay.” (They kiss again.)
(502 - TOW All the Kissing)
(Arriving at the hospital)
Phoebe: “Hi.”
Nurse: “Hi.”
“Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming
out of me.”
“Okay. Have you started having contractions?”
“Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?”
“Well…”
“Oh my God!”
Ross: “It's all right.”
* “Now, which of you is the father?”
* “Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.”
* “Okay…”
* Rachel: “I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(On their delayed arrival)
Monica: “Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.”
Chandler: “That's right.”
(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)
Rachel: “You-you're not wearing a jacket.”
“Oh man! I did it again!”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(On giving birth)
Ross: “Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.”
Phoebe: “That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out
your vagina!”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of her contractions)
Phoebe: “Ooh! Oh dear God, save me!”
Monica: “What?”
“I'm having my first contraction!”
Chandler: “Oh no.”
“Ooh, it's not bad.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of the double date she arranged that Monica won‘t go on)
Rachel: “What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's
been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and
you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why
you don't wanna go.”
Monica: “Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good
reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.”
“What?”
“Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of meeting some nurses later)
Rachel: “I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that
we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.”
Joey: (in a sexy voice) “Yep! There's always room for Jell-O…”
“Joey, how do you make that dirty?”
“Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh,”
(snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) “Grandma's
chicken salad…”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of her second contraction)
Phoebe: “Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt
either—Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the
blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of the new doctor Ross brought her)
Ross: “Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings
about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.”
Phoebe: “Hi! And you're going into what grade?”
Dr. Oberman: “Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot,
you see, I-I graduated early…”
(interrupting) “Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd
be needing a grown up doctor. “
“Oh no, I'm fully qualified to…”
“Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be
having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!”
(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)
Frank: “Oh cool! You made him cry!”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of the coming arrival)
Phoebe: “Can I tell you a little secret?”
Rachel: “Yeah!”
“I want to keep one.” (Giggles in excitement.)
“Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of wanting one of the babies)
Rachel: “Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you
cannot keep one of these babies!”
Phoebe: “Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!”
“Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to
keep all of their children!”
“Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe
they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them.
Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't
ask! Y'know?”
“Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.”
“Oh, just ask him!”
“Me?!”
“I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that
would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just,
y'know, feel him out!”
“No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his
kids!!”
“You're right.”
(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)
“Tell him it's for you.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(On having to have more than one baby)
Dr. Harad: “Okay. You ready to push again?”
Phoebe: “I already had a baby. Leave me alone.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(On the birth of the final baby)
Frank: “Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little
Chandler! Come on!”
Dr. Harad: “All right, he's coming. He's coming!”
(They both stare at the newborn.)
“Hey, where's his thing?”
“Chandler's a girl!”
Chandler: “Oh God, kindergarten flashback.”
“They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they
thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!”
“Okay, keep saying it!”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of saying he and Monica are only goofing around)
Chandler: “Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing
around in the dictionary… Well, I have, and the technical definition
is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing
sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this
new fangled dictionary that gets you mad at me, then we have to,
y'know, get you my original dictionary.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of holding a newborn baby)
* Monica: “I think you're my favorite.”
* Phoebe: “Which one do you have?”
* “I don't care.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Talking to the babies)
* Phoebe: “So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in
that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing
I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the
most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you
everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I
know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so
we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives!
(Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies
begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry.” (She starts crying.)
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Of having given birth [for someone else])
Monica: “Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!”
Phoebe: “I know.”
Rachel: “So does it really hurt as bad as they say?”
“Yeah. You won't be able to take it.”
(503 - The One Hundredth)
(Talking to Emily’s relatives to try to find her)
Ross: “I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy,
old twit!”
Joey: “Ross! Way to suck up to the family.”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(Of good deeds)
Joey: “Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry.”
Phoebe: “Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.”
“Well, may I ask for one example?”
“Yeah, it's… Y'know there's—no you may not!”
(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the
point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)
“That's because all people are selfish.”
“Are you calling me selfish?!”
“Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well
sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't
exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Claus right?”
* “I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you
evil genius.”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(Of their earlier discussion)
Phoebe: “Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Claus, you
meant...?”
Joey: “That he doesn't exist.
“Right.” (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.)
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(On the date she caught Monica waiting to arrive)
Rachel: “So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?”
Chandler: “Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.”
“So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?”
Monica: “Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone
yet.”
“Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.”
“I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever
had!”
(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)
“Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?”
“I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?”
“Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(Of his earlier conversations with her)
Ross: “Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.”
Chandler: “Yes!”
Monica: “That's great!”
“In London!”
“What?!”
“She wants me to move to London.”
“But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that.”
Rachel: “What-what-what are you gonna do?”
* “I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to
move to London with Ben.”
* “Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to
another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.”
* “It could happen.”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(Of not being able to find a selfless good deed)
Rachel: “Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.”
* Phoebe: “I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three
children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey
is right!”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(Her condition on fixing their marriage)
Emily: “All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this
work.”
Ross: “Oh that is so great! That's…”
(interrupting him) “As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(On not being able to decide whether or not to accept Emily’s
condition)
Ross: “Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult,
so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate.” (He
holds up and starts shaking a…)
Monica: “A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this
decision with a toy!”
Phoebe: “Ooh, it's not a toy.”
(504 - TOW Phoebe Hates PBS)
(Of their horrible weekend together)
Joey: “Hey, how was your chef thing?”
Monica: “Oh, it was awful.” (To Chandler) “I guess some people just don't
appreciate really good food.”
Chandler: “Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but
then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(Of overhearing them arguing)
Joey: “What are you guys woofing about?”
Monica: “Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!”
“Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly
find myself without twenties and you always have lots!”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(Of what Emily is making Ross do)
Joey: “Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.”
Chandler and Phoebe: “Yeah, me either.”
Monica: “Maybe I could do it”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(Of not being to see Ross anymore and therefore no longer them)
Rachel: “It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler)
He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time
before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed
Phoebe would be the one to go.”
Phoebe: “Ehh!!”
“Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift
right out.”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(Relating a phone message)
Joey: “Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone
left an eyelash curler in your room.”
Chandler: “Yes, that was mine.”
“'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it
there.”
“Yes, that would have made more sense.”
“Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you any more, man! All
right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And
whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you
not on a gay cruise?!”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(Of saying she lifts right out)
Rachel: “Phoebe?” (She turns her head further away.) “I'm sorry
about the whole lifting out thing.” (Moves over next to her.)
“You gotta come with me!”
Phoebe: “Come where?”
“Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group,
we're the best ones.”
“Okay, but try and get Joey too.”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(Of realizing they spent the weekend together)
Joey: “Oh! Ohh! Oh!!”
Chandler: “Joey, can I talk to you for a second?” (He grabs him and
starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)
“Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!”
(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)
“Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”
“Yes. Yes.”
* “You?! And-and you?!”
* Monica: “Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!”
* “How?! When?!”
* “It happened in London.”
* “IN LONDON!!!”
* “The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make
a big deal out of it.”
* “But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!"
(They both grab him and stop him.)
* “No-no-no-no-no! You can't!”
* “Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling
everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.”
(Joey thinks it over.)
* “All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but…”
* “I know, it's great!”
(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)
* “Aww, I don't want to see that!”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(To Rachel of the conversation going on in Monica’s room)
Phoebe: “We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're
trying to take Joey!”
(505 - TOW All the Kips)
(of the situations with Emily)
Joey: “No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let
Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence
Ross stops seeing us!”
Phoebe: “Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.”
Chandler: “Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence…”
(506 - TOW the Yeti)
(Of telling Ross they think Emily is being unreasonable)
*Joey: "I kinda feel like it's my fault.”
(Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)
* Chandler: “Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've
happened.”
* “Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days,
something was bound to slip out!” (He glares at Chandler.)
* “Well, I think it's very brave what you said.”
(506 - TOW the Yeti)
(After their last meal together before Emily comes)
Ross: “Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!”
(They all run over to the window.)
Rachel: “I haven't seen him in so long!”
* Phoebe: “Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!”
(Pause.)
Monica: “Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last
time we'll all be hanging out together.”
Joey: “It's almost as if he knew.”
(506 - TOW the Yeti)
(On the phone with Emily)
Emily: “I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all
the time.”
Ross: “Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage
is never gonna work if you don't trust me.”
“You're right.”
“So, can you trust me?”
(Pause.)
“No.”
(Ross lowers his head.)
[Cut to the inside of the apartment.]
Joey: “I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling.”
Monica: “How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head!”
“You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and
turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile!
Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging
up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey
alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a
second and heads back inside.)
(506 - TOW the Yeti)
(Looking at a National Geographic)
Chandler: “Are you looking at naked tribes women?”
Joey: “No, look.”
“That's a pig.”
“I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(The heatlth Inspector of her kithchen’s cleanliness)
Larry: “A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's
hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.”
Monica: “Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know
that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.”
“And where is your hat?”
“It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it. “
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the
door…)
“Ahh that's the 2 points.”
Phoebe: “Hey, you should really read that book you wrote.”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(Of his recent divorce)
Rachel: “How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.”
Monica: “He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute,
you're not gonna try…”
“Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff
again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And
* besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they
get divorced.”
* “Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(Of Danny’s housewarming party)
Monica: “So-so there is no party.”
Rachel: “No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is
still up for grabs. You follow me?”
“I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he
likes you.”
“Exactly.”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(Seeing Joey surrounded by Ross’ boxes)
Joey: “Hey.”
Chandler: “What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“You built a fort didn't ya?”
(smiles) “Kinda.”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(Of being invited to Danny’s party)
Rachel: “Walked right into that one didn't he?”
Monica: “What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!”
“Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he
would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an
invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me
right back in the driver seat.”
“Great. So the ball is in his court?”
“Ball? There is no ball.”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(At Danny’s party)
Rachel: “All right, whose court is the ball in now?”
Monica: “I thought there wasn't a ball?”
“Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go
anywhere, balls flying all over the place!”
Danny: “Rachel, this is my friend Tom.” (To Tom) “This is the girl I told
you about.”
“Oh, go on! You telling people about me?”
“You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle.” (Leaves.)
Tom: “So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.”
(laughs) “Yeah, okay, at ease solider!”
“I'm sorry?”
“No, it's all right, you can just drop the act, Tommy. I know
what's going on here. You're Danny's wingman right? You guys
are best buds. Frat bros!”
“I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.”
“Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."
(He walks off.)
“Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking
them right out of the park!”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(Seeing Joey back in the fort in a cowboy hat)
Chandler: “Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think
the cowboy hat is a little much?”
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on,
it's fun!”
“All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a
bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?”
Joey: “Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!”
(507 - TOW Ross Moves In)
(After thier Thanksgiving dinner)
Monica: “Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?”
Ross: “Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my
divorce or my eviction? Hmm.”
Phoebe: “Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with
anything.”
“I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever.”
Chandler: “No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just
swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.”
Rachel: “Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents
got divorced again are you?”
“Oh God, no.”
Joey: “Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without
Chandler bumming us out!”
“It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was
gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(Of having his head stuck in the turkey)
Joey: “Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.”
* Phoebe: “Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead
animal.”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(After Rachel only wants to go out with men)
Big Nosed Rachel: “Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They
are just silly. Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!”
Ross: “Umm, I'm sorry, Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack
were looking for.”
Fat Monica: “Call them Mom and Dad, you loser!”
(in a high pitched voice) “Monica!”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(Of his plans for the evening)
Ross: “So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe
play her that song we wrote last week.”
Chandler: “Emotional Knapsack?”
“Yeah.”
“Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're
gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.”
“Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her
all night.”
“Dude, don't do that to me!”
(Monica enters behind them.)
“All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.”
(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)
“No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night
with your fat sister.”
“Hey!”
(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out.
Only to be stopped by her parents.)
Mrs. Geller: “Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any
more room left in the fridge.”
Fat Monica: “No. No, thank you!”
* Mr. Geller: “Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(Seeing Monica for the first time after she loses weight)
Monica: “Hi, Chandler.”
Chandler: “Oh my God!”
“What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress?”
(She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)
“You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!”
Ross: “Dude!”
“Sorry!”
Mrs. Geller: “Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really
want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.”
“Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And
smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team.
Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!”
“So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.”
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and
admires the view.)
Mr. Geller: “Dude!”
“Sorry.”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(Trying to make him think she wants to have sex with him)
Monica: “Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box
feels against my cheek.”
Chandler: “Okay.”
“Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds
them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between
my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to
you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and
y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She
picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding
the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the
cold steel against umm, (Pause) my body.” (She doesn't have any
exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots
in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs
the knife on her stomach.)
“Are you all right?”
“Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—” (She drops the box
and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the
knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point
first down into Chandler's shoe.)
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(At the hospital after the knife went through his shoe)
The Doctor: “It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.”
Mr. Geller: “Of course it did. They're made of wicker.”
“Did you bring the toe?”
“Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice!”
“Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and---“
“What?! What is it?”
“You brought a carrot.”
Chandler: “What?”
“This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.”
Rachel: “You brought a carrot?!”
Mrs. Geller: “Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(After hearing Monica’s story)
Chandler: “That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!”
Monica: “I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.”
“That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!”
“I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!”
“Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail.”
“Chandler!” (Follows him out.)
Ross: “Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.”
Joey: “You're a dork.”
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(Trying to make Chandler feel better, Monica knocks on his
door with a turkey on her head)
Chandler: “Nice try.”
Monica: “Wait, wait, wait!” (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
“Look, Monica…”
“Look!” (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
“This is not going to work.”
“I bet this will work!” (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
“You are so great! I love you!”
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
“What?”
“Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just
stopped talking!”
“You said you loved me! I can't believe this!”
“No I didn't!”
“Yes you did!”
“No I didn't!”
“You love me!”
“No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!”
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back
into the hallway, screaming.)
(508 - TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks)
(Finding Chandler’s underwear in Monica’s couch)
Phoebe: “What am I sitting on?”
Chandler: “Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another
but can't) I'm out.”
“Ew-eww!! Undies!"
Rachel: “All right! Whose are they? Whose are they?”
Ross: “Well, they're not mine!”
“Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!”
Joey: “Yeah, they're mine.”
“See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's”
“Why are they here?”
“I don't know uhh…”(Pause as he thinks about it.) “Well, I'm Joey.
Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.”
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(Of covering for them with the underpants incident)
Joey: “You guys keep embarrassing me! Yesterday, Rachel found your
razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said
it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And
one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and
pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)
Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a
tough spot.”
“Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't…”
*Chandler: “All this lying has been hard on us too.”
* “Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!”
* “Well, yeah actually.”
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(Upset that someone ate his Thanksgiving leftover sandwhich)
Ross: “I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left
a note and everything.”
Chandler: (reading) “Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross
Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me.
Okay?”
Joey: “I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.”
Phoebe: “Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people
off. I learned that living on the street.”
“Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your
mitts off my grub?" “
“Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she
surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?”
“Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff.” (Writes him a
note and the gang reads it.)
All: “Whoa! Ohh!!”
Monica: “Phoebe, you are a bad ass!”
“Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.”
“Phoebe?”
“Well, he stabbed me first!!”
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(Of his co-workers reactions to Phoebe’s note)
Ross: “Phoebe! Your note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my
sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy
called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool
nickname like that.”
Monica: “Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.”
“That was the water fountain!”
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(Coming in with a date on Chandler and Monica, who have a video
camera set up)
Cynthia: “Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A
video camera? Oh my God!” (As she storms out, Rachel returns and
overhears the conversation.)
Joey: “Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!”
“I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us
having sex on the first date!”
“Hiya.”
Rachel: “Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the
room.) You were actually gonna…”
(Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.)
(Rachel stares in shock.)
Chandler: “What is going on here?”
“And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?”
(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)
“I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.”
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(Of his co-workers new fear of him)
Ross: “Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches.
Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked
bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put
my sandwich in the fridge over here… “
Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) “Oh, you know what?”
“What?”
“I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.”
“You ate my sandwich?”
“It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.”
(getting upset) “Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich
with a Moist Maker?”
“No.”
“Do you perhaps recall seeing a note on top of it?”
“There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind.”
(getting angry) “That said it was my sandwich?!”
“Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be
in the trash.”
“What?”
“Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it
away.”
“You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich
away!”
(losing control) “MY SANDWICH?!!!”
“MY SANDWICH!!!!!!” (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons
away.)
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(An explantation for all the unusual event)
Rachel: “Well, what is the truth?”
Ross: “Yeah, what's going on?”
Phoebe: “What's going on?”
Joey: (thinking) “I slept with Monica.”
Chandler: “Well let's….let's see what everybody thinks of that?”
Monica: “Oh no!”
“You slept with my sister?”
“Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London.”
“This is not good for my rage.” (Takes another pill.)
“Monica, is this true?”
“Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird
stuff that's been going on?”
“Yes, it's true.”
“Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found
your underwear in our apartment the other day?”
“Ahh—oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in
London. Right, Monica?”
“I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir.”
“My God, Monica!!”
“Are you sure, Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?”
“No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She
has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!”
“So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.”
“That makes sense!”
“And the video camera?”
“Uhh, Monica?”
“I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.”
“But sadly I could not be enticed.”
“Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why?
Why would you do that?!”
“I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their
underpants.”
(509 - TOW Ross’ Sandwich)
(Of Danny still ignoring her)
Rachel: “Oh my god. Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Watch. Just watch this.
(He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending
he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we
don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is.”
Danny: “Hey, guys.”
All: “Hey, Danny.”
Monica: “Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at,
right?”
“Thanks, Mon.”
“Well, of course.”
“Do you want to go out on a date with her?”
“Monica!!!”
“Absolutely! Is Friday okay?”
“Friday’s perfect...She can’t wait.”
(To Monica) “On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly?
(To Rachel) See ya Friday.”
“Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don’t answer me.
(Giggling) I have a date with Danny.”
(510 - TOW the Inappropriate Sister)
(of the New Year’s kisses)
Ross: “Well, who's gonna kiss my sister.”
Joey: “Chandler.”
“Awww, man! Really?”
* “Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or
Chandler?”
* “That's a good point.”
(511 - TOW the Resolutions)
(Of the New Year’s kisses again)
Joey: “Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.”
Rachel: “What?!”
“Well, everyone's
gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history.”
“So?”
* “So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?”
* “Oh, good point.”
(511 - TOW the Resolutions)
(of the start of a new year)
Ross: “Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!”
Rachel: “But your divorce isn't even final yet.”
“Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy
this year. I am gonna make myself happy.”
Chandler: “Do you want us to leave the room, or?”
(511 – TOW All the Resolutions)
(Of not being able to make fun of his friends)
Chandler: “Elizabeth Hornswoggle?”
Ross: “That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.”
“Horn-swoggle.”
Joey: “You all right, Chandler? Is there something funny about that
name?”
“No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before.”
“Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet!”
“Hi, Pheebs!”
Phoebe: “Hey!”
“Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth
(Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle.”
“Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.”
(511 – TOW the Resolutions)
(Of Phoebe’s names for the chords)
Chandler: “What an interesting approach to guitar instruction.
Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular.”
(511 – TOW the Resolutions)
(Rachel finding out about Chandler and Monica)
Monica: (on phone) “I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as
soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be
doing laundry for a couple of hours.”
Chandler: (on phone) “Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname?
(Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in
absolute amazement.)
(on phone) “Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…”
Rachel: “Arghh!!”
(511 – TOW the Resolutions)
(Hoping to be able to talk to someone about Chandler and Monica)
Rachel: “I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that
would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right?”
Joey: “Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be
okay. Yeah. Yeah!”
“Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to
Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me?”
“Now? You want me to go over there now?”
“Yeah!”
“Do you know something?”
“Do you know something?”
“I might know something.”
“I might know something, too.”
“What's the thing you know?”
“Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.”
“I can't tell you what I know.”
“Well then I can't tell you what I know.”
“Okay, fine.”
(Silence ensues.)
* “You don't know!”
* “All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into
Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that
I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!”
* (gasps) “YOU KNOW!!!!”
* “AND YOU KNOW!!!”
* “Yeah, I know!!!!”
* “Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!!
How long have you known?”
“Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone
about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything
about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen…”
(Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)
“Hey!”
Phoebe: “Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So…”
(Pause.)
“Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain.”
“Ohhh, yeah, me, too.”
(They both exit.)
“That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it.”
(511 – TOW the Resolutions)
(Of being out all night)
Phoebe: “What were you doing?”
Ross: “I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for
a while.”
Rachel: “You walked around all night in the city by yourself?”
Joey: “He hooked up! He hooked up with someone.”
“Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big
boy, I can do whatever I want!”
“He hooked up!! Tell us about her!”
Janice: “Ross, you left you scarf in…(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does
the laugh.)
(512 - TOW Work Chandler)
(Of him going out with Janice)
Ross: “Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say…”
Phoebe: “You two will have very hairy children.”
“Okay, I didn't know you would say that.”
(512 – TOW Chandler’s Work Laugh)
(Not being able to hold it in anymore and obviously not
going to get it out of Monica)
Rachel: “Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.”
Monica: “What?!”
“I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said,
"I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of
hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And
you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."”
“Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there,
Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out.”
“Well, I wouldn't
know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone.”
“Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me
call him Mr. Big…(Thinks)…ot.”
“What?!”
“Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes.”
“All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on
between you and Chandler.”
“Me and Chandler?!” (Does her fake laugh.)
(512 – TOW Chandler’s Work Laugh)
(Of Ross’ constant complaints)
Janice: “I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun.”
Ross: “Huh?”
(starting to cry) “You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I
don't think I can take another second of you whining!!”
“Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending
this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing
sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy
you, Janice.”
“Well yeah!!”
“OH…MY…GOD!!”
(512 – TOW Chandler’s Work Laugh)
(Coming in while Janice prepares to leave)
Joey: “Umm, hi.”
* Janice: “Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey.”
* (Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.)
(512 – TOW Chandler’s Work Laugh)
(Of going out with Janice)
Ross: “Dude, we got to talk.”
Chandler: “Okay.”
“I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from
someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had
uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.)
What you're-you're not mad?”
“Why would I be mad?”
“Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of
* stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's
ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.”
* (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to
him) “I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive
their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the
list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.”
“Okay.”
“I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free!”
“All right.”
“And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his
money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't
remember that, I think we should write it down—let's write it down!”
(512 – TOW Chandler’s Work Laugh)
(Of his new top hat)
Joey: “Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the
part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real
clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is
gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.”
Chandler: “And you're gonna make them all disappear.”
“Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.”
(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his
head.) “Done.”
(513 – TOW Joey’s Bag)
(On her grandmother’s last words)
Phoebe: “It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay
dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll
meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at
the checkout counter.”
(513 – TOW Joey’s Bag)
(Of the bag’s universal appeal)
Rachel: “Exactly! Unisex!”
Joey: “Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.”
“No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.”
“Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.”
(513 – TOW Joey’s Bag)
(Of Phoebe’s dad turning up)
Ross: “Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy
abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would
be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I
mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me
outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.”
Monica: “Well, at least you scared someone.”
(513 – TOW Joey’s Bag)
(Of Chandler pretending to like her massages)
Monica: “You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.”
Ross: “Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.”
* “But the minute we start to lie to each other…”(Pauses
after she realizes what she's saying.) “And by 'we' I mean
society.”
(513 = TOW Joey’s Bag)
(Of why he was a bad father)
Frank Sr.: “I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean,
I made up a song to help you sleep, but that made you cry even
more!”
Phoebe: “You make up songs?”
“Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see,
how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.)
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
Why won't you go to sleep?
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp!
(513 – TOW Joey’s Bag)
(Noticing Ugly Naked Guy packing)
* Rachel: “I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.”
Ross: “Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.”
“Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(of the apartment)
Ross: “Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't
believe I never realized how great it is!”
Rachel: “Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.”
Phoebe: “It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or
I'm gonna beat you to it.”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Learning the secret)
* Phoebe: “Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey!
Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each
other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!”
* Rachel: “What?!”
(screaming) “Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!”
* “Oh my God!”
* “CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!”
* “OH MY GOD!!!”
* “OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!”
“Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!”
“NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!”
“I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!”
“YOU KNOW?!!!”
“Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have
to stop screaming!!”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Of them not wanting to tell they know)
Joey: “Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your
secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!”
Rachel: “You don't have any secrets!”
* “Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal."
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Messing with Chandler)
Chandler: “What's going on?”
Phoebe: “I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so
long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you
just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you
sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just
something to think about. I know I will.”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Of his gorgeousness)
* Monica: “You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?”
* Chandler: “Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was
actually a tiny little bunny.”
“Okay, now you're even cuter!!”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Not believing what Phoebe said)
Chandler: “I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.”
Monica: “That's not possible!”
“Ow!”
“I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you
were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.”
“Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Of Phoebe’s behavior)
Chandler: “Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?”
Monica: “Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!”
“Are you serious?”
“Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the
only explanation for it!”
(a little hurt) “Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging
biceps—She knows!”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Of how to get the apartment)
Rachel: “You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to
bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation
about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.”
Joey: “I'm listening.”
(To Ross) “See?”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Messing with each other)
Rachel: “Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here!
(To Phoebe) It's Chandler.”
Phoebe: “Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.”
Chandler: “Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day.”
“Eh?”
“Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I
said I wasn't intrigued.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you
come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.”
“I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.)
Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!”
“Are you kidding?!”
“No!”
“I cannot believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly
and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.)
Joey, do they know that we know?”
Joey: “No.”
“Joey!”
“They know you know.”
“Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!”
“God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to
mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know!
(Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!”
“I couldn't even if I wanted to.”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Of how Ross decided to bond)
Joey: “Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked
friend!”
(They all run over to the window.)
Rachel: “Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! It's Naked
Ross!
All: “Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Ending their “date”)
Chandler: “Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!”
Phoebe: “And why not?!”
* “Because I'm in love with Monica!!”
* “You're-you're what?!”
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and
Joey both enter.)
* “Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk
together and hug.) I love you, Monica.”
* Monica: “I love you too Chandler.” (They kiss.)
* “I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you
were in love!”
Joey: “Dude!”
“And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might
I say your breasts are still showing.”
“God!”
“All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!”
“Well actually, Ross doesn't.”
“Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.”
(Joey suddenly gets very angry.)
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(Finding out)
Ross: “Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to
come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the
window.) No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is
slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(514 – TOW Everyone Finds Out)
(The confrontation by the big brother)
* Ross: “Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but
is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop
making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you
were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were
doing to my sister! Now get out here!”
Chandler: (To Monica) “Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it?
Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a
lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!” (He kisses
her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Monica: “What are you doing?!”
“Oh, I'm going on the lamb.”
“Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the
door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the
chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She
opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?”
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the
kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
“What the hell are doing?!!”
Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) “Hey, what's-
what's going on?!”
“Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.”
Joey: (panicking) “Dude! He's right there!”
* “I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best
friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!”
* “Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm
in love with her.”
* “I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but
it's true, I love him too.”
(There's a brief pause.)
* (happily) “My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs
them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna
get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!”
* “Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.”
(There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)
* “What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup
against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!”
* “Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how
you were going to react.”
(Pause.)
* (happily again) “You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to
react?” (He hugs them both.)
“Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of
here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business?
(Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking
here, he-he's the one doing your sister.”
(515 – TOW the Girl Who Slaps Joey)
(Telling him Monica is probably thinking of marriage already)
Rachel: “Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you
already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't
want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30,
and y'know it's Monica.”
Chandler: “I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the
one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted
to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just
started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right.
I'm right. Am I right?”
“No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes,
that makes everything different.”
“Okay. It's not different at all, is it?”
“Not unless different means the same.”
(515 – TOW the Girl Who Slaps Joey)
(Of Monica’s reaction to him freaking out)
Chandler: “It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me?
This is, this is fixable.”
Ross and Joey: “Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.”
“By me?”
Ross: “Oh, no!”
Joey: “No-no.”
“Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.”
“Yeah, big!”
(Monica enters.)
“Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.”
(515 – TOW the Girl Who Slaps Joey)
(Making a big gesture)
Chandler: “Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent!
Is she here?”
Monica: “I'm Monica.”
“I need to talk to you, it's urgent!”
“Okay.”
* “Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot
of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-
one way to do this.” (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one
knee.)
* “Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!”
* (getting out a ring box) “Monica…”
* “No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!”
* “Will you marry me?”
Ross: “Oh-no. No. No.”
Joey: “What a bad idea!”
Rachel: “Ohhhh, I cannot look at it!” (She doesn't move.)
“Chandler, why are you doing this?”
“I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.”
“Chandler.”
“I'm doing this because I'm sorry?”
“Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is
because you're sorry?”
“No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry
is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually
wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?”
“Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to
think about how ridiculous this sounds.”
“Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.”
“Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean
I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!”
“Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys.”
“Who? Two divorces and Joey?!”
Ross: “Hey!”
“She's right y'know.”
“Yeah, but still, cheap shot!”
“Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this
relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.”
“I didn't think I was!”
“Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?”
“Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend
the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've
seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door.”
(515 – TOW the Girl Who Slaps Joey)
(Freaked because he had a dream about Monica)
Joey: “Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing
someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriend's--and
I’m not him.”
Monica: “I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.”
“No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!”
“Are you saying I smell bad?”
“No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry.”
“What's with him?”
Chandler: “Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother
was shot by a hunter.”
(516 – TOW the Cop)
(After the salesman says he doesn’t see Ross and Rachel as a couple)
The Salesman: “Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know.
Ross: “Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.”
“Really? You two?”
“Yeah! Rach?”
Rachel: “Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am
carrying a very heavy couch.”
“Then tell him quickly.”
“Fine! We went out.”
“Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!”
“Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!”
“A loser you did it with 298 times!”
(516 – TOW A Cop)
(After Joey realizes he needs to be friends with a woman first)
* Rachel: “Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?”
* Chandler: “Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.”
(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)
* Monica: (laughing) “That's right.”
(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly
and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at
Rachel in a seductive way.)
“What's up Joey?”
Joey: (in a sexy voice) “How you doin'?”
(Rachel is stunned.)
(516 – TOW A Cop)
(Of when Chandler and Monica stopped being all over each other)
Phoebe: “Come on, seriously! When did it end?”
Monica: “I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.”
“Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.”
“Why don't you just calm down, Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t
you just get all your facts before you run around telling
everybody that you're the only hot couple!!”
* “God, I woke the beast.”
(517 – TOW Rachel’s Inappropriate Kiss)
(Of an audition where he’d play Ben’s father)
Joey: “Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get
an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's
father than his godfather.”
Ross: “You're not his godfather.”
“What?! Are you kidding?!”
“Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go, godfather.”
“All right!”
(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's
godfather.)
(518 – TOW Rachel Smokes)
(Of Monica taking over the plans for Rachel’s party)
Phoebe: “Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and
ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge
of cups and ice.”
Chandler: “Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done.”
(518 – TOW Rachel Smokes)
(Over which pair will get the commercial job)
Joey: “Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!”
Ross: Your kid's name is Raymond!”
“Yeah?! So's yours!”
(518 – TOW Rachel Smokes)
(Of smoking with her boss so she’ll listen to Rachel’s opinions)
Chandler: “Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!”
Rachel: “I did not!”
“Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!”
“All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!”
“I wish I had to smoke for my career…”
Monica: "That's so gross!"
“No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue
feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually
feel like I can throw up.”
“Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get
so good!”
(518 – TOW Rachel Smokes)
(Of the cups all over the place)
Rachel: “Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.”
Phoebe: “I was in charge of cups.”
“Oh, okay, not so weird.”
(518 – TOW Rachel Smokes)
(Of Chandler flirting with the pizza girl)
Ross: “Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!”
Chandler: “I was not and oh God, shh!”
(519 – TOW Ross Can’t Flirt)
(Of losing one of the earrings she borrowed from Phoebe)
Phoebe: “Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!”
Rachel: “Tell her to wear her own earrings.”
“These are her earrings.”
“Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed
to borrow her stuff!”
“Why not?”
Rachel: “Because I lose her stuff!”
(519 – TOW Ross Can’t Flirt)
(Of the earrings he bought Monica but she has now switched)
Chandler: “Let me see the earrings.”
Monica: “Oh, honey, the earrings…”
“They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?”
“My boyfriend really does have good taste!”
(To Ross) “Thanks for picking out the earrings man.”
Ross: “Hm-mmm.”
(519 – TOW Ross Can’t Flirt)
(Of Rachel getting their blender from Ross’ apartment)
Monica: “All right, his keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need
some cash.”
Rachel: “Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?”
“Nah, while you're at Ross' if you see any lying around…”
“What?!”
“What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!”
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Of his favorite meatball sub)
Chandler: “What is so great about that sandwich?”
Joey: “Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.”
“Okay.”
“Are you thinking about Monica?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, what's that like?”
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Of Emily’s message to Ross saying she’s wondering if
their divorce was a mistake, even though she’s getting remarried
tomorrow)
Rachel: “Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her.
I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that
still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!”
Monica: “I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get
hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help
him?"
“I don't think he's the one who needs help.”
“No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking
about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and
glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But
I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he
gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and
break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel
again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right,
but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a
lot of the same people.”
“Ugh!”
“Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's
trying to play on him.”
“Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded genuinely upset!
I mean, listen!” (She hits a button on the machine.)
Answering Machine: “Your messages have been erased.”
“Noooooooo!”
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Of having accidentally erased Emily’s message to Ross)
Rachel: “Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same
message.”
Ross: (on the machine) “Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this
feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the
fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye!”
Monica: “Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!”
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Of the experience that night during the ride along)
Ross: “The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number
was up. I had an actual near death experience!”
Rachel: “What?! What? What happened?!”
"Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?"
“Yeah!”
“And somebody took a shot at me!”
(gasps) “Really?!”
“No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought
somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I
was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-
I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every
opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.”
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Of the events of the evening)
Ross: “Okay, look, yesterday I wouldn't have even considered
calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have
a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean
something!”
Rachel: “Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That
was barely an experience!”
“You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that
I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?”
Rachel: “Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff.
Maybe this is about escaping stuff.”
“Huh.”
“I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it)
death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape
getting back together with Emily?”
“That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity,
but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.”
“Well, there you go!”
“Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.”
(laughing) “Close call day.”
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Knowing about Monica’s stealing problem)
Ross: “Hey umm, was-was Monica here?”
Rachel: “Yeah.”
“Yeah, I want my money back.”
“Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?”
(Ross is stunned.)
(520 – TOW the Ride Along)
(Of Gary wanting to ask Phoebe to move in with him so soon)
Chandler: "So, what are you gonna do?"
Phoebe: “I don't know. I'll just handle it—I'll ask you to talk to him!”
“Me?! Why me?”
“Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make
him scared like you! Make him a…man!”
“I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know?
Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.”
Monica: "That is so sweet!”
(To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) "Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No
problem.” (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her,
when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)
(521 – TOW the Ball)
(Of Chandler not talking Gary out of moving in with Phoebe)
Phoebe: “You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing
you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!”
(521 – TOW the Ball)
(Coming in to the guy’s place with her new hairless Sphinx
cat that’s not very nice and VERY ugly)
(Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to
get riled up.)
Joey: “Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!”
Monica: “Oh my—Oh good God!”
Rachel: “I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this
thing!”
Ross: “Baking it didn't help, huh?”
“So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?”
“I tried! They won't take her back.”
* Chandler: “Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.”
(521 – TOW the Ball)
(Of not being able to return the cat and get her cash back)
* Rachel: “No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all
scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like
a hand!"
(521 – TOW the Ball)
(Of being mad at Ross)
Monica: “Why are so mad at him?”
Phoebe: “Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?”
“Well, it just seems that…”
* “You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my
list by the way?”
* Chandler: “Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?”
* “Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.”
(522 – TOW Joey’s Big Break)
(Of her eye infection, but she hates touching her eyes)
Dr. Miller: “Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I
want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as
good as new.”
Rachel: “Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.”
“Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.”
“Great!”
“And I'll fit you for a glass eye.”
“Okay, just give me the damn drops!”
(522 – TOW Joey’s Big Break)
(The confrontation between Ross and Phoebe)
Ross: “Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something?
'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did!”
Phoebe: “Well, if you don't know I can't help you.”
“Well, I don't know.”
“Well, I can't help you.”
“Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay?”
“Apology accepted.”
“Okay. So we're, we're good?”
“Uh-huh.”
“All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay?”
(quietly) “Bye, fat ass."
“ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it
is I did that mad you so mad at me!”
“I don't know! I don't remember!”
“Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about
this?”
“Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about
the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney."
(522 – TOW Joey’s Big Break)
(A possible reason Phoebe may be mad at Ross)
* Monica: “Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's
grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!”
* Ross: "Yeah? Sometimes it's…” (Does the fist thing.) (522 – TOW Joey’s Big Break)
(Playing a game to see the first thing that comes to mind)
Ross: “Why are you mad at me?”
Phoebe: “You said I was boring--Ohh!”
“When did I say you were boring?!”
“Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!”
“Phoebe! You and I have never played chess!”
“Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We
were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took
off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay,
there's a chance this may have been a dream.”
(522 – TOW Joey’s Big Break)
(Of why she was late)
Monica: “Okay, you cannot tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.”
Phoebe: “Which Richard?”
“The Richard.”
“Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Of their one year anniversary the next day)
Chandler: “Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your
annoying friend Chandler.”
Phoebe: “Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler.”
“Huh.”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Of leaving a day later for Vegas)
Rachel: “Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment
to myself for a night.”
Phoebe: “Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.” (Like me. ;-)
“No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time.”
“Naked alone time.”
“No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk
* around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.”
* “Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Originally starting because he forgot Monica’s present)
Chandler: “Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on our anniversary ever!”
Phoebe: “Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard
thing.”
“What-what Richard thing?”
“Oh no.” [The patented version.]
“What Richard thing?”
“Simmons! Go with Simmons!”
Monica: “Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I
wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't
tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to
spoil our anniversary.”
(talking out of the side of his mouth) “I'm not mad.”
“Really?!”
“Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite!
It's no big deal.” (He still ain't happy.)
“Great!”
(Pause.)
“Okay, London 1…”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Of having seen Rachel dancing naked from his apartment window)
Ross: “Okay Rach, before anything happens I just want to lay down a
couple of ground rules. This is just about tonight. I don't
to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of
"Us." Okay? I just want this to be about what it is!”
Rachel: “And um, what-what is that Ross?”
“The physical act of love.” (Hisses at her.)
(laughs) “What?! Are you crazy?”
“Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your
nakedness?”
(gasps) “Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!”
“You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness.”
“Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have
sex with you?!”
“No! No! No! No-no-no-no.”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(After the previous conversation)
Ross: “All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack.”
Rachel: “Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh
settle the question of "us?"”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Of the coolness of Vegas)
Phoebe: “This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent
steak and lobster dinner. Huh!”
Monica: “Phoebe, you don't eat animals.”
“For 99 cents, I'd eat you.”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Almost making up)
Monica: “You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.”
Chandler: “Thanks.”
Joey: “Aww, there we go.”
Phoebe: “I love Vegas!”
“I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.”
“Next time?”
“Ooh, so close.”
“There's not gonna be a next time! You cannot ever see him again!”
“I cannot see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do!”
“That's so funny, because I think I just did!”
“Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night,
I really, I don't even want to be around you.”
“Fine with me!”
“Fine! Happy Anniversary!”
“Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously
just a big misunderstanding.”
“No it is not!”
“What are you talking…”
“Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here!”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Trying to embarrass each other Phase One)
Rachel: “Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking
off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not
an invitation to the physical act of love.”
Ross: (sarcastic) “Yep! That's hilarious!”
“I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.”
“Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too.”
“No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times.”
“Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.”
“Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass
that easily.”
* “What?! You totally get embarrassed!”
* “No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person
than you are.”
* “Is that so?”
* “Yeah.”
(Pause.)
* (loudly so that everyone can hear) “Hey lady! I don't care how
much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in
the bathroom!” (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(The embarrassing continues. Phase Two)
Guy: (To Rachel) “So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom.”
(Ross giggles.)
Rachel: “Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right?”
* (Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets
up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross
on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
* “Ross! What are you… I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just
really likes you.”
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get
Rachel again.]
* Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) “Hey! Y'know that
teacher who had a baby with her student?” (He points at Rachel.)
* [Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button,
takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]
“What the? What…”
(to the flight attendant) "Hi!"
The Flight Attendant: “Miss? May I help you?”
* “Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend
seems to have had a little accident.”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(The ultimate embarrassment)
(Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep
against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly
gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we
have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is
disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]
The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) “Welcome to Las Vegas.”
(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan.
He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant
just ignores it.)
(To Rachel) “Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?”
Rachel: “Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent.”
* (To Ross) “Hope you had a nice flight.”
* Ross: “Ohh, it was the best!”
(523 – TO In Vegas Part One)
(Rachel discovers that her face his masterpiece)
Rachel: “What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I
don't… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.)
* (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!”
* Ross: “Hey, you wet my pants!”
Phoebe: “Whoa, what kind of party was this?”
“Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane!
I can—you have so crossed a line.”
“Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way.”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of a woman who wins on the machine Phoebe had been playing)
Phoebe: “That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was
playing.”
Ross: “Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people.”
“M-M-Mole people?”
“What? No-no, a lurker.”
“Oh. What's a lurker?”
“Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out,
a lurker waits for you to give up and then…”
“Kills you?”
“No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.”
“Ohhh!”
“Uh-hmm.”
“How do you know about this?”
“My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance—
karate lessons.”
“Dance karate?”
“Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then
does a little dance-type sway.)
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of the permanence of Ross’ drawing)
Rachel: “It won't come off!”
Ross: “Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?”
“No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.”
Joey: “Hey-hey-hey you made it!”
“Joey!!”
“All right! Hey-hey!”
“Hi!!”
“Who's your friend? He's hot!” (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks
him with her purse.)
(To Joey) “Thanks man.”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of him coming down with his duffel bag to tell her he was leaving)
Monica: “Okay, this is empty.”
Chandler: “Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of her humiliation over her face)
Ross: “Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.”
* Rachel: “Ross, I am a human doodle!!”
“Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you
shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one
is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are
tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at
him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No
one will notice, I swear!”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of Monica’s lucky rolls)
Monica: “Okay, what do I want now?”
Chandler: “Another hard 8.”
“Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!”
* “Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight;
(pause) and we get married here tonight.”
* Drunken Gambler: “Go! Come on! Roll!”
* All: “Roll-roll!!”
* “Shut up!! It just got interesting!”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of Chandler’s second marriage proposal)
* Monica: “What did you just say?”
* Chandler: “You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.”
* “Are you serious?!”
* “Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.”
* “I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.”
* “Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do
it! What do you say?”
* “Okay!”
* “Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right!”
(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)
“Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?”
Drunken Gambler: “It went under the table.”
“Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I'll
look this way!”
“All right!"
“Here it is! Here it is!”
* “That could be a four or a five. It's your call.”
(Pause.)
* “It's a four.”
* “I think so too.”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Spending the evening so far getting drunk in their hotel room)
Rachel: “Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up,
without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more
alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers.
Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!”
(They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.)
Ross: “That must be our alcohol and beers!”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Of Joey’s “hand twin” not cooperating with him)
Joey: “Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone
is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!”
Ross: “I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
(He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though,
he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses
and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa!
Are you, are you okay?”
“Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! * Hey Rach, how you doin'?”
* Rachel: “I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'?”
* “Ross, don't let her drink anymore!”
“Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut!”
“Ohhh!!”
“Nope! Something else.”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(Looking for something new for Monica to get married with)
Monica: “Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old,
something new, something borrowed, and something blue.”
Chandler: “Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! Okay, here's
something, here's something blue and new.”
“You're so efficient. I love you!”
“Let's go!”
“No-no-no! We need something old!”
“Ohh, great, I have a condom in my wallet I've had since I was
twelve.”
“That'll work!”
“I don't think so.”
"Okay, now we just need something borrowed!”
“Here just…take this.” (Hands her the sweater.)
“That's stealing!”
“No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.”
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
“Ohh.” (Rubs her fake stomach.)
“Okay, one thing at a time.” (They run out to get married.)
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
(At the chapel to be married)
Chandler: “Hello! One marriage please!”
Monica: “Yep, we wanna get married!”
The Attendant: “Well, there's a service in progress. Have a seat.”
Chandler and Monica: “All right.”
(singing) “Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!”
“What are you doing?”
“Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?”
“No, only because that's the graduation song.”
* “Okay! This is it! We're gonna get married!”
* “Are you sure you wanna do this?”
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT
ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY
GOT MARRIED!!!!)
* Ross: “Well, hello, Mrs. Ross!” (Throws some rice.)
* Rachel: “Well, hello, Mr. Rachel!”
(524 – TO In Vegas Part Two)
Seasons 1-3 Quotes
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