Slide
By Danielle
Disclaimers: Though I wish I owned them, we all know I don't. Boo.
Author's Notes: This is fic #2 in my new Dido, "No Angel" series. It's Alex POV while he's stuck in the cave in HTOHL with Kyle.
"So when they find us dead, what's the one thing you're most going to regret about your life?"
Alex looked over at his co-victim of entrapment. "Huh?"
Kyle shook his head. "I dunno. It's the kind of thing you see in movies. When people are about to die slowly in a small enclosed space, one of them always asks if the others have any regrets. Thought I'd make conversation."
Alex nodded. "I see. What's my biggest regret? I'd have to think about it."
Kyle looked around the room. "I think we have time."
Alex shrugged, knowing Kyle was right. He thought back about the past 16 years of his life, and he knew without a doubt that he'd be able to think of tons of things if he really tried. But he also knew that there was one that stuck out above all others. It was also the one he figured Kyle was hinting at.
"Okay. I guess my biggest regret is never getting a second chance with Isabel."
Kyle nodded in understanding. "Mine is never having kissed Tess when I was feeling something for her. It's kind of too late now. Well, besides the obvious fact that we're going to die, I kind of stopped feeling what I felt, you know?"
"I guess. I just can't believe this is how it's going to end for us." Alex quieted, thinking about his admission to Kyle. He remembered back to the beginning of the year, when all he wanted was to be with her. He didn't mind if she didn't want to be with him, as long as she wasn't with anyone else. That hadn't lasted too long.
Of course Isabel Evans would move on. Why would she waste her time with someone like him when someone like Grant was just around the corner? He was almost happy when it turned out that he was the bad guy in all of this mess. But in addition to ruining his love life, the guy was going to be responsible for his death now, too. Jerk.
That's why Alex was happy he had Leanna. She was someone who would miss him when he was dead. And even though he didn't get to see or talk to her too often, he knew she cared about him. Of course it didn't help him to know that the only real reason he was with her was to get over Isabel. Now that he was dying he could admit it to himself. He'd never really gotten past the Isabel thing. He wanted her more now than ever. But he refused to slide back into being her doormat. His time away had at least given him enough self-respect to walk away when he was being used.
Kyle's voice again broke through his thoughts. "So, what would you do different? With the Isabel thing."
Alex frowned. What would he do differently? For starters he would never have been so willing to let her find her destiny last May. He had always believed that once things were settled she would have come back to him. Another stupid mistake. But hey, he was only human- everyone makes mistakes like that. Especially with their first relationship, right? Thinking about it now, he would have tried to be a stronger person in the relationship. He'd let her control everything from day 1. She had always taken advantage after that.
"Maybe I'd have taken more of the initiative in things. Like making sure she knew how I felt and standing up for myself. I kind of let her walk on me."
Kyle looked at him. "Dude, how can you stand up to Isabel? If it were me I would have been thanking my lucky stars she even knew my name, you know?"
Alex chuckled. "Yeah, I know. But seriously, I just wish I'd been more vocal about how I was feeling instead of always worrying about her first. I mean, yeah it's a good quality, and she really needed me to be there for her, but I kind of lost myself in the deal. Never asserted myself or whatever."
Kyle nodded. "Yeah. It's like when Tess moved in. I gave her my room because I knew it would be nice, but my ass is suffering because of it."
"How is it that girls can always get guys to do stuff like that for them?"
"Who knows. It's the feminine mystique."
"Feminine mystique? When did you become a philosopher?"
"Since I got shot and killed and Max brought me back to life."
"Oh. Right." Alex looked down at his hands. Never again would they pluck at the strings of his bass. Never again would they ache to touch Isabel Evans or to stroke her hair or skin. It was then that a decision was made. "That's it. You know what, I'm done with it. The whole Isabel infatuation. I take it back- I have no regrets when it comes to her. I never did anything wrong. I was always honest with her- she knew how I felt and she pushed me away anyway. Multiple times. I shouldn't regret that at all. What I do regret is that even after she told me it was never going to happen, I still waited for her. Like I was begging for a chance to be with her when she wasn't even interested. I am never going to be like that again. I refuse to slide back into that mode. If she ever wants me, she knows where to look."
Kyle's eyes widened. "Wow. Good for you, man. Be strong."
Alex nodded. "Yeah", he mumbled, "strong." It got quiet again and Alex was left to his thoughts. It's easy to be strong when you're not around her, he thought. When you're about to die and hoping to save a little bit of self-respect by promising yourself that if you live things will be different. That you won't go back to being the man you were before Sweden. That you won't slide back into loving the most amazing creature on earth when you know she barely thinks of you. Easier said than done.
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SLIDE by Dido
Even on a day like this when you're crawling on the floor
Reaching for the 'phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore
It's all right to make mistakes, you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Staring at the same four walls, have you tried to help yourself
The rings around your eyes they don't hide, that you need to get some rest
It's all right to make mistakes you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment
Don't slide
Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far
Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all
It's all right to make mistakes you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment
Don't slide
You bought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there
Lie here and rest your head and dream of something else instead
Don't slide.
Questions, Comments, feedback to Danielle
