Love the One You're With
By Danielle
Disclaimers: Jason Katims and the Roswell people own the characters, and Stephen Stills owns the title.
Notes: Okay, so after Tess, Lies, and Videotape and the preview for next week, we know that the Michael/Isabel things is actually going to happen no matter how badly we want to deny or stop it. Here's my take on a possibility for the plot of future eps. This one is dedicated to my sister Stephanie, whose birthday is tomorrow and who loves Michael & Isabel together, though I just cannot see it at all.
"There's a rose and the fisted glove
And the Eagle flies with the Dove
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Honey, love the one you're with."
- Stephen Stills, "Love the One You're With"
During my waking moments, it's still strange to be in bed next to her. I keep imaging waking up with a different blond. But that will never happen now. Her heart is broken. She hates me, and I'm left with the desire I still hold for Isabel. Unbidden and unwanted, the passion that drives us is uncontrollable, and no matter how much my brain wants Maria, my body wants Isabel.
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I don't know where it comes from, the need to touch Michael. He invaded my dreams, and now it won't stop. It's not his fault. Or mine. It's just there, always between us, like some desperate attachment to a past and lives long over. I wanted Alex. I still do. But he won't speak to me. Can you blame him? I was kissing him and I said Michael's name. That's when the truth about the dreams came out. Michael and I were avoiding each other like the plague anyway for fear we'd act on our impulses. But once his name escaped my lips, Alex needed an explanation. I couldn't lie to him. And then came the pregnancy scare.
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How could I tell Maria that every time our lips met, I was thinking of Isabel? I didn't want to - it was just happening. I couldn't stop it. And then Izzy told me she thought she was pregnant. And we couldn't lie to the rest of the group anymore. I mean, I knew she had told Alex. I could tell by the way that he looked at me every time I saw him. Like I ripped his heart out of his chest and held it out in front of him, still beating.
I can say it's not my fault from now until the end of eternity, and it would be true in a way. I mean, how can Izzy and I help it if we were genetically engineered to mate with each other to keep our species going? But if that's true then why the hell do I feel so god damn guilty every time I see Maria in the hall. She runs the other way when she sees me coming.
Izzy moved in with me a month ago. See, she wasn't pregnant when we told Maria, Max and Liz that we thought she was. But she is now. And that is what I feel most guilty about.
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We were alone together one night, right after we'd told everyone about the possible situation. I know it was stupid to be alone, but we needed to discuss things. Like what the hell we were going to tell my parents. I mean, granted, they like Michael a lot, felt for him because he was alone in the world, but that didn't mean they were going to jump for joy when they found out I was pregnant with his child. Max went out with Liz, and my parents were out for the night, too. The movies I think. Anyway, Michael and I sat about as far away from each other as two people could possibly be and still be in the same room.
I asked him what he wanted to do about… things. He didn't answer. He was staring at me like he'd never seen me before. I called out to him. "Michael?"
He popped up off the couch as if the sound of his name was an insult. He came across the room at me, and I finally caught his eye. He wasn't himself. It was like he was in a trance. And the worst thing is as soon as I saw what he intended to do, I couldn't stop him. My arms wouldn't work. Except to circle his neck as he pressed his lips to mine and whispered my name.
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The feeling of finally meeting her lips was heaven. I had been denied this bliss for too long, and she was here now, in front of me. Mine for the taking. A little gasp escaped her lips as I moved my hands over her body. My eyes drifted closed, and I pulled her tight against me.
I started to shake all over; the need was so strong. I touched her everywhere I could, my hands roving over the body I had watched grow from child to gorgeous woman. And she was mine, all mine. Was always meant to be mine. Without thinking I bent at the knees and scooped her into my arms, beginning the walk up the stairs to her bedroom. Our lips never parted as I lay her down on her bed and began to unbutton her blouse.
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I can't say it didn't feel good. Because it felt amazing. I've never felt anything like it in my life. My experience with guys has been pretty limited seeing as how I'm a different species than them, and I was afraid of getting in over my head. But with Michael, it was familiar. Like I knew exactly what to do, what he wanted and what I wanted. I wonder if I was his first. Because he was mine. I didn't want him to be, but that's what happened. And I'd hate to think of what Maria would be going through if she and Michael had… and now here he is with me.
I knew the second it was over that we had conceived a baby for real this time. I don't know how I knew, but I just did. I think he did as well. And you know what the saddest thing is? After it was over, I didn't want him to touch me. All the desire and passion that we'd been holding back for weeks was completely absent for once. For the first time in ages I didn't dream of Michael. We're mostly back to our old relationship now- joking and fighting like brother and sister. The few notable exceptions being that we live together and sleep in the same bed, and are having a baby together.
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Her parents took it well. Better than I expected actually. They wanted her to stay home with them and let them help with the pregnancy, but we decided that it would be better for Isabel to move in with me. Especially since we have no idea what to expect from our pregnancies. She might turn blue or something and her parents would freak out, when it might be a normal alien symptom. Who knows what could happen to her? To us. We're in way over our heads.
Like I said, it's strange waking up next to her. We're finally getting used to each other's little quirks. Isabel sleeps on her side with her right leg bent, her right hand tucked under her chin. I never wanted to know that. But I do. And I'll never know how Maria sleeps. I haven't dreamt of Isabel once since the night that we made love. But I dream of Maria constantly. I miss her.
I am going to be a father. That seems really strange since I've never had a family, but now… well, you know. It's not that I don't want the baby- in fact I am kind of looking forward to it. Having someone who I helped create. That'll always belong to me. It'll be cool. It'd be cooler if I was in love with the baby's mother. Don't get me wrong, I love Isabel. But not like she deserves to be loved. And it hurts to know that in her heart she wanted to be experiencing things like this with someone else. But I can't blame her. I feel the same way.
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Sometimes I wonder what he's doing at night. We used to go look at the stars together. It was our special thing. I wonder if he's looking at them alone now. Or worse- with someone else. Michael is sweet to me- he makes me breakfast and checks up on me to make sure the baby's doing fine. But he's not Alex, and he doesn't try to be. It's our unspoken rule that neither of us tries to replace who's in the other's heart.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I dream sweet dreams of Alex and I together and I wake up and cry. Michael holds me and rubs my back until I fall asleep again. We still feel that desire for each other, and a few times we've even made love again. Physically it's good- satisfying in a carnal, animal way. But it's obviously only lust. I know because I've heard him whisper her name as he touches me, and I'm sure I've cried out for Alex as I explode into nothingness. We're trying to make the best of it. Neither of us is happy right now, but that will probably change when the baby comes. Because I know Michael is going to be a good dad, and even though I'm scared, I love this baby.
So we're trying. Dealing with this situation that was predestined before we even emerged from our pods. And what can you do in a situation like this? It's a Catch 22. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Make the best of it, right? And I guess it's true. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
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