93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond said that he's still mentallysharp and he's running for re-election. Isn't that nice. He alsosaid that President Lincoln is doing a terrific job."
"Scientists have located the gene for impulsive behavior. Not surprisingly, it was getting its nipples pierced."
"Madonna was scheduled to testify against her stalker today,saying she saw him wherever she went and she was scared of him.Which is kind of how I feel about Madonna."
"A new study reveals that men in New York City have more sperm than men in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, so do New York Citycabs."
"According to a new poll, Mr. Ed is the TV pet people would like to spend the most time with. Surprisingly, second place went to Sam Donaldson's toupee."
"According to Nature magazine, scientists have discovered apowerful appetite suppressor. It's actually a naked picture of Newt Gingrich."
"The movie `Showgirls' was released on video this week.Apparently, many video stores will be renting it by the halfhour."
"Next week Geraldo Rivera will be doing a live show from Bosnia. My God, haven't those people suffered enough?"
"LaToya Jackson has started a 1-900 number where she'll reveal Jackson family secrets. The first secret is that she's broke."
"The postal service is coming out with a new James Dean commemorative stamp. Apparently, you'll be able to choose whetherit's the young handsome James Dean or the old pork sausage guy."
"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said every day as a kid she was beaten up by bullies. So finally, she had the bullies fired and replaced by her Arkansas cronies."
"Kate Moss turned 22 today. Apparently, right before she blew outthe candles she made a wish that she'd be able to keep the cakedown."
"In an interview, Paula Barbieri said she broke up with O.J. by leaving a message on his answering machine. I can't believe she wouldn't break up with him face to face."
"Scientists have announced that the sun is five billion years old. It just looks older 'cause it's spent so much time in thesun."
"Lisa Marie has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. Apparently, he wants custody of the kids -- any kids."
"In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger says his penis looks small because his muscles are so big. My excuse is that I'm so tall."
"Lisa Marie has filed for divorce. According to her attorney,she's going to make him pay through the noses."
"The judge who married Lisa Marie and Michael said he knew it wouldn't last. The tip-off was when she said `I do' and he said`I never have.'"
"First Michael Jackson had cosmetic surgery, then his problem with drugs, and now the big divorce. I guess that's what happens when your role model is Elizabeth Taylor."
"A new study shows men with a lot of older brothers have agreater chance of being gay -- Especially if their names are Titoor Germaine."
"This week, Al Roker got a really nice present. He's taking over Willard Scott's job on the "Today" show. Don't feel bad for Willard, though: He just made two million dollars selling his list of 100-year-olds to Dr. Kervorkian."
"Scientists announced that to keep up with the earth's rotation another second will be added to the world's clock on New Year'sEve. Which means Mike Tyson will be able to squeeze in one more fight in '95."
"Some good news: the Pope, who was sick over the weekend, has recovered from the flu and is feeling much better. Apparently, hesaid for a couple of days his head hurt so bad it felt like hewas wearing a giant twenty-pound hat."
"The New York Giants announced that 75 season ticket holders who threw snowballs will be banned from attending any more Giantsgames. I don't think they should be rewarded for that kind of behavior."
"Researchers are reporting that in 1995 the world population grewby over 100 million. They credit this to inadequate birth controland a really good year for Anthony Quinn."
"According to a new poll, the most popular New Year's resolutions are: losing weight and spending less. Which also happens to be President Clinton's '96 campaign slogan."
"It was reported today that someone has invented barbells that stretch your penis and make it bigger. The hard part is findingsomeone to spot you."
"A new server reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would bewilling to have sex with the remote for the TV.
"Over the weekend, Michael Jackson won best male artist in the MTVEuropean Music Awards. Apparently, Europe's definition of male ismuch more lenient than ours.
"Over the weekend, Johnny Depp bought his mother a 950,000 dollarhome in Florida. Then out of habit, he trashed every room.
For the first time ever Macy's has hired a woman to be their Santa Claus. Parents are warning their kids -- "You better watchout, you better not cry, 'cause Santa's got PMS."
Here's a strange story. In Denmark a kitten has been born withfluorescent hair. Apparently, Dennis Rodman really does getaround.
They're coming out with a new version of Hollywood Squares andRoseanne has agreed to sit in the center square. They're callingthe show The New Improved Structurally Fortified HollywoodSquares.
John Wayne Bobbitt has a new movie coming out. It's the typicalHollywood story: boy gets penis, boy loses penis, boy gets penisback.
A recent marketing poll shows that 32 percent of all diamonds arepurchased right before Christmas. And 50 percent are purchasedright after the test strip turns pink.
_The CIA said that they've spent nearly 20 million dollars onpsychics. A spokesman said, "Hey, at $3.99 a minute the billsreally start to add up."
Joey Buttafuoco is back in the news. He has a new book out called"How To Avoid Car Ripoffs." You know, I'd like to see a bookcalled "How To Avoid Joey Buttafuoco."
A local entrepreneur is selling scratch-n-sniff postcards of NewYork. Here's a little tip: save yourselves some money, just buyregular postcards and pee on them.
Hugh Grant told a British magazine that Elizabeth Hurley is theonly woman in the world who knows what he likes. You know folks,at this point, I think by now the whole world knows what helikes.
The world's biggest condom maker has launched a campaign on theInternet to teach proper condom use. Apparently, their firstsuggestion -- Turn off the computer and go find a girlfriend.
Woody Allen turned 60 years old today. Now he's got a bumpersticker that says, "Ask me about YOUR grandchildren."
Last night in a pub in Ireland, President Clinton had a beer withover a hundred of his distant relatives. Of course, when you'rebuying drinks in Ireland everyone claims to be your distantrelative."
Last night at midnight, the Federal Government shut down and800,000 workers were sent home. President Clinton said, "It won'taffect essential government jobs like the military, postalworkers, or the guy that gets my pizza."
The FBI is hoping to catch the Unabomber by tracing a librarybook he took out several years ago. If they're successful, he'llface life in prison ... and $7.00 in overdue fees.
It was reported today that George Washington grew hemp.Apparently he said, "I cannot tell a lie ... This is really goodstuff."
A New York City official is in trouble for calling in sick,everyday, for two years. He claims he had a 24-hour bug 730 timesin a row.
Yesterday, two Chinese women broke a Guinness World Record byspending 12 days in a room with 888 snakes. Apparently, therecord was for the two dumbest women in one room.
"It was reported today that 1500 New York City cab drivers do nothave valid driver's licenses. Apparently, the license isn't validif you're giving the finger in your picture."
In a recent interview Sharon Stone said she won't take herclothes off in any more movies. So, in her next movie she'll benaked the entire time.
Yesterday, Hooters' waitresses held a rally in Washington. Theparks department estimates the turnout at over 400 waitresses and800 hooters.
A new study reveals that guests on daytime talk shows are predominantly female. Of course, most of them weren't born thatway.
Officials in the Dominican Republic are checking the validity ofMichael Jackson's marriage. After hearing this, Jackson said,"It's as real as the nose on my face."
"This weekend the Vatican reaffirmed its ban on women priests. Toeven things out they also came out against male servers atHooters."
"The latest poll reveals 67 percent of Americans have a negativeimage of Newt Gingrich. The other 33 percent are overweight whiteguys with white hair."
"For the first time in over a hundred years, John is not one ofthe top ten names given to boys in New York. It is however, thenumber one name given to men in Times Square."
"The car that was used to chauffeur the Pope during his visit toNew York is being sold. The salesman claims a little old man onlyused it to go to church and back."
"Yesterday during a speech in Sicily, the Pope lashed out at theMafia. He said, `Stop using violence and scare tactics -- that'swhat nuns are for.'"
"Eighty-three percent of Britons say they forgive Princess Di forher infidelity. Apparently, the other 17 percent have nevergotten a good look at Prince Charles."
"The Beatles anthology is airing this week. It's six hours long.It was supposed to be eight hours, but Yoko came in and made thembreak up early."
"The average cost of Thanksgiving dinner for a family of 5 is$150. That includes the turkey, dressing, and the hour ofpsychotherapy you'll need afterwards."
"Good news ... this Thanksgiving the FDA has approved pills thathelp you lose weight by making you feel full. The recommendeddosage is 5000 pills a day."
"Today is Thanksgiving, so I want to say to everyone who's hadtheir meal and is sitting in front of the TV right now: `ForGod's sake, button your pants.'"
"A Domino's Pizza deliveryman won a sexual harassment suitagainst his female boss. Apparently, she kept asking to see hislarge pepperoni."
"I heard an interesting fact today. It's common during the Macy'sThanksgiving Day Parade for people to shoot at the giantballoons. Apparently some postal workers just can't take a dayoff."
"A teacher in Oklahoma is in a lot of trouble for operating on acat during class. Particularly, since he's the math teacher."
"Over the weekend, a man in New Jersey cut off his own penis.Folks, I don't mean to be sexist, but I think cutting off a penisis woman's work."
"It was reported today that Michael Jackson is strapped for cash.Apparently, things have gotten so bad he's even offered tobabysit."
"A woman in Virginia may go to jail for a year for not returningthe `Dumb and Dumber' video. I think having the `Dumb and Dumber'video for a year is penalty enough."
"Today, Colin Powell announced he's not running for president.Also today, for the first time in thirty years, Bob Dole was in agood mood."
"In Texas, a new law requires anyone who wants to carry a gun topass a pop-psychology test. The test questions are based on thebook `I'm Okay - You've been Shot in the Head.'"
"Here in New York a 14-year-old girl was arrested for punchingher teacher in the face. When asked why she hit her, she said `Ihad to, I forgot my gun.'"
"Mattel is coming out with the new school-teacher Barbie thatwears red pumps and a really short black dress. Apparently, she'svery sexy, so they're also coming out with a new I-can't-go-to-the- blackboard-right-now Ken."
"Folks, if congress doesn't pass a budget by Tuesday the FederalGovernment will shut down. Which means federal employees willhave to stop NOT working."
"Yesterday, the owner of the Washington Bullets announced he ischanging the name of the team to better represent the city ofWashington. The new name will be the Washington Weak CandidatePool."
"Yesterday, a policeman in Pennsylvania broke up a robbery at aDunkin' Donuts. When he was congratulated on the successfulstakeout he said, `What stakeout?'"
"A new study claims that Barbie dolls convey unrealistic bodyimages to girls. In response to this, Mattel has named their newdoll `You'll Never Have Knobs Like Me Barbie.'"
"Last week a dermatologist was called in to look at blotches onPresident Clinton's face. It turns out the blotches were justMcDonalds special sauce."
"It's Halloween and it's also Fashion Week here in New York. Sothere are a lot of people walking around the city looking likeskeletons."
"It's Halloween today. Of course, the holiday is known bydifferent names. In Britain, it's called `All Hallow's Eve' andat Michael Jackson's house it's called `Potential Lawsuit Day.'"
"Columbia Pictures is making a movie about a man who spends anentire night looking for condoms. It's called `Get Protection forShorty.'"
"Mike Tyson has cancelled his Saturday night fight with BusterMathis Jr. Right now, Fox is scrambling to find 30 seconds ofreplacement programming."
"It was reported today that Michael Jackson is going to star in anew German game show. Apparently, contestants can win big cashprizes by identifying marks on his genitalia."
"NASA announced today that they will begin researching sex inspace. They're already printing bumperstickers that say, `If thisshuttle's a rockin', don't come a dockin'.'"
"Yesterday, a scientist used the Hubble Telescope to takepictures of newborn stars. Immediately afterwards, Alec Baldwinpunched him in the face."
"Two New York City police officers were caught having sex inGrand Central Station. When they were walked in on they said,`Hey, what do you think this is, Grand Central Station?'"
"A new study reveals U.S. students have very little knowledge of American history. In fact, test scores are the lowest since theLincoln-Nixon debates."