Well, if at first
you don't succeed, I'll kill him, and you try again.
As usual, I'm here
to help you, and I... are you naked under there?
--Into the Woods
Oh, dear. If looks could stake.
--I Was Made to Love You
Is everyone here very stoned?
--Weight of the World
You scared me half to death. Or more to death.
I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a
flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
Debase the beef... canoe. //whap!// Why does that strike me as
~Whats My Line
Out. For. A. Walk.... Bitch.
~No Place Like Home
SPIKE: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
DAWN: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm not evil but I don't think I can be
SPIKE: Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.
XANDER: I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
SPIKE: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very
I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd
have done that, even if I didn't make it, you wouldn't have had to
jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of
course, but after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again,
and do something different. Faster, or more clever, you know? Dozens
of times, lots of different ways. Every night, I save you.
I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you
treat me like a man, and that's.... Get your stuff, I'll be here.
Yeah, ok, sorry. But I just had no idea that gods were such
prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer is going to kick your
skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap,
whorish, fashion-victim, ex-god like you.
Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't, for her
- to be hers. To be the kind of man who never...to be the kind of man.
And she shall look upon him with forgiveness and everybody will
forgive and love. And he will be loved. *lays across the cross*
everything's ok, right? Can we rest now, Buffy? Can we rest?
Who you gonna call? (Buffy looks at him) God, that phrase is
never gonna be usable again, is it?
~The Killer In Me
I've been alive longer than you and dead longer than that. I've
seen things you couldn't imagine. I've done things I prefer you
didn't. I've never had a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my
blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I
make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus
years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of... you.
asking you for anything when I say I love you. It's not because I want
you, or can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you
are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your
strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you and I understand
with perfect clarity what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're
the one, Buffy.
Buffy: (quietly) I don't wanna be the one.
Spike: I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic. We all have
crosses to bear.
Spike: You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to
Spike: Undo it, undo it!
Randy Giles? Why not just call me "Horny Giles" or
"Desperate-for-a-Shag Giles"? I knew there was a reason I hated
I have no dance.
You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took
That's what conquering nations do. It's what caesar did, and he's
not going around
"I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the
world is not people making friends.
better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it
kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag,
and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never
be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...
blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's
bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil
still a foot. That's not very industrious of you.
I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go
without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken?
Let's find her! She is the Chosen One after all. - Come on! Vampires!
Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice -
and for - the safety of puppies - and Christmas, right? Let's fight
that evil! - Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
'How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad hunk of a
night-thing.' 'No need, little lady. Your tears of gratitude
are enough for me. You see, I was once a bad-ass vampire. But
love and a pesky curse defanged me and now I'm just a
big fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No, not the hair. Never
the hair.' 'But there must be some way I can show my appreciation.'
'No. Helping those in need is my job and working up a load of
sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof
is truly thanks enough.' 'I understand, I have a nephew who's gay.'
'Say no more, evil's still afoot and I'm almost out
of that nancy-boy hairgel I like so much. Quickly! To the Angel-mobile.
~Angel tS, In The Dark
Angel: Might as well go home, Spike. The Gem of Amara stays with me.
Spike: Why? Cuz you're Angel, Vamp Detective now? Ooo. I'm so scared.
What's next? Vampire cowboy? Vampire fireman? Oh! Vampire ballerina!
Angel: I do like to work with my legs
~Angel tS, In The Dark
I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet and now he
doesn't chase the other puppies
anymore. I can't bite anything. I can't even hit people.
Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin' pig's blood from a novelty
mug. Doesn't rank huge in the Zagut's Guide.
SPIKE: Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home.
GILES: Yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your mud.
SPIKE: I'll admit... bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care
to have a crack at it?
~The I In Team
We ... we kissed, you and me. All Gone With The Wind, with the rising
music, and the rising ... music...
Yeah, and you chose to be in a consumer service profession.
I'm a consumer. Service me.
No, I'm a rebel. You're an idiot.
~All The Way
Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side.
What's your excuse?
Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
Spike: Well yes. Where have you been all night?
There's a cave in it. Look. I'm insane. What's his excuse?
~Same Time, Same Place
I like my plan better. Get up, get out, get drunk. Repeat as
needed. It's just more elegant.
I don't know your feelings, big guy, but to me, a tussle like that...
(strikes a match on the demon's ear,
brings the match up to his cigarette; Spike's now in human face) is
good for the soul.
~Get It Done
(re: Andrew) He's a breath of fresh air, isn't he? Thank God I
Yeah...I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin'
ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell,
but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til
last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And
it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.
~End of Days
Spike: I mean it! I gotta do this. (holds out his hand to stop her)
Buffy: (she take his hand and softly, looks into his eyes) I love you.
Spike: No, you don't. <pause> But thanks for saying it. (another
earthquake; Buffy lets go of his hand) Now go! (Buffy runs up the
stairs) I wanna see how it ends.
Many of my favorite Spike quotes from Angel season five are actually
exchanges between Spike and Angel.
Upon rereading them, I am struck again by how INSANE it is for WB
to cancel this fantastic show. But I digress. On to more quotes:
Spike: Never much for small talk, were you? Always too busy trying to
perfect that brooding block-of-wood mystique. God, I love that.
Angel: Not as much as I loved your nonstop yammering.
Spike: The way you always had to be the big swingy, swaggerin' around,
Angel: Never listening...
Spike: Always interrupting...
Angel: And your hair. What color do they call that, radioactive?
Spike: Never much cared for you, Liam, even when we were evil.
Angel: Cared for you less.
Angel: Good. (they sit in silence) There was one thing about you...
Angel: Yeah, I never told anyone about this, but I--I liked your poems.
Spike: You like Barry Manilow.
Spike: You pissed in the Big Man's chair? That's fantastic!
Gunn: Spike, can you please turn off that warm fuzzy?
Spike: What, the Lorne thing? Worn off. I just think that's bloody
~Life Of The Party
Angel: What happened?
Spike: I can explain. Apparently, when Percy here was younger, he used
to be known as "Head Boy."
Angel: Yeah, I already knew that.
Spike: Right. I have nothing else to report.
Spike: You had a soul forced on you--as a curse. Make you suffer for
all the horrible things you'd done.
But me...I fought for my soul. Went through the demon trials. Almost
did me in a dozen times over,
but I kept fighting. 'Cause I knew it was the right thing to do. (jumps
up to Angel) It's my destiny.
Fred: There haven't been any side effects since you recorporealized,
Spike: Bit of a hang over, but that's to be expected after all the
Young Woman: Thank you! Thank you! That thing was gonna kill me!
Spike: Well, what do you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood? I got
half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit.
Young Woman: What?!
Spike: I mean, honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a
dark alley? Take 2 steps, break your bloody ankle.
Young Woman: I was just trying to get home.
Spike: Well, get a cab, you moron. And on the way, if a stranger offers
you candy, don't get in the van! Stupid cow.
Angel: (re: Spike crashing through a 4-story window) What happened?
Spike: Oh, I just thought I'd see what it was like to bounce off the
pavement. Pretty much what I expected.
Spike: (re: Dana) She's...one of us now. She's a monster.
Angel: She's an innocent victim.
Spike: So were we...once upon a time.
Angel: Once upon a time.
Spike: Of all the bloody faces I expected to see down here.
Angel: You're a nazi.
Spike: What? Oh. No. I just ate one.
~Why We Fight
Spike: You're a bloody puppet! (Angel tackles Spike through the door
and brawls with him) You're a wee, little puppet man!
Spike: This goes all the way through to the other side. So I figure
there's a bloke
somewhere around...New Zealand standing on a bridge like this one
looking back down at us.
All the way down. There's a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to
~A Hole In the World
Spike: So what's on the agenda?
Angel: Uh, I have assignments for people. (snapping noise)
Spike: What? I'm listening. With beer.
Angel: Forget it. You know what? This isn't a meeting. This is you being annoying.
Gunn: Car's built to get us there. Once we have Lindsey, it's on us to find The Wrath.
Spike: The Wrath?! You know that's gonna be a giggle.
Wesley: I had a ....slight disagreement with Angel.
Spike: Oh, old broody-pants got you wound up, eh? Keep in mind, he can't get laid
without maybe going crazy. Makes it funny.
Illyria: In my time, a leader would punish your insolence with death.
Wesley: We're not being insolent, Illyria.
Spike: I am.
Illyria: This shell...you had affection for it. For Fred.
Spike: Tons. Loved the bird.
Illyria: Yet you strike at her form without sentiment.
Spike: You ain't her. I can see it. Lord knows I can smell it. And I got no problem hittin' it.
Illyira: You ask me to allow you to murder me.
Spike: It's not murder if you say yes.
Angel: Just admit it: you think you're gonna ride in, save the day, and sweep Buffy off her--
Spike: Like you're not thinking the same thing.
Angel: I'm already seeing somebody.
Spike: What, dog girl?
~The Girl In Question
Angel: Huh? Oh, yeah, here it comes. The part where you run off alone and play the big hero so
Buffy'll take you back. Well, news flash, Blondie Bear: never gonna happen.
Spike: Look! I know I don't have a shot with her, all right? Probably never did, but I
still care about her, and I'm not gonna let her end up with a jerk like The Immortal. Or you.
Angel: Well, ours is a forever love.
Spike: I had a relationship with her, too.
Angel: OK, sleeping together is not a relationship.
Spike: It is if you do it enough times.
~The Girl In Question
Angel: I helped saved the world, you know.
Spike: Like I haven't.
Angel: Yeah, but I've done it a lot more.
Spike: Oh, please.
Angel: Closed the Hellmouth.
Spike: I've done that.
Angel: Yeah, you wore a necklace. You know, I helped kill The Mayor and, uh, and Jasmine and--
Spike: Do those really count as savin' the world?
Angel: I stopped Acathla. That saved the world.
Spike: Buffy ran you through with sword.
Angel: Yeah, but I made her do it. I signaled her with my eyes.
Spike: She killed you. I helped her! That one counts as mine.
~The Girl In Question
Spike: Listen, you need some Boretz killing done, I'll have a go. I haven't had a decent tussle since the Blue Meanie and I stopped sparring.
Wesley: Yes. All right. Call me if you find anything. I'll be in my office learning what I can.
Illyria: He showed no regard for my presence.
Spike: Not that you require any creatures attention. (Illyria glares) Hey, wanna go find something to hit?
Spike: What do you think all this means for that Shanshu bugaboo? If we make it through, does one of us get to be a real boy?
Angel: Who are you kidding? We're not gonna make it through.
Spike: Well, long as it's not you.
~Not Fade Away
More quotes to come! Many thanks to City Of Angel
and Bloody Awful Poets Society
for posting these, not that
I'd mind rewatching all the eps again, of course, but I gotta go
to work sometime! :)