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Beef Consommé

First aired: February 15, 2004
Episode written by: Richard Rosenstock and Chuck Martin
Episode directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar
Episode transcribed by: Mariko

STARRING (in alphabetical order)

Name of character

Name of actor/actress

GOB George Oscar "Gob" Bluth II  Will Arnett
MICHAEL Michael Bluth Jason Bateman
GEORGE MICHAEL  George Michael Bluth Michael Cera
TOBIAS Dr. Tobias Funke David Cross
BUSTER Byron "Buster" Bluth Tony Hale
NARRATOR The narrator Ron Howard
LINDSAY Lindsay Bluth Funke Portia de Rossi
MAEBY Mae "Maeby" Funke Alia Shawkat
GEORGE SR. George Oscar Bluth, Sr. Jeffrey Tambor
LUCILLE Lucille Bluth Jessica Walter


GUEST STARRING (in alphabetical order)

Name of character Name of actor/actress
JUDGE PING   Judge Lionel Ping   Michael Paul Chan
JAVIER Javier Jesus Nebot
MARTA Marta Patricia Velasquez
BARRY Barry Zuckerhorn Henry Winkler

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Arrested Development." They were created by Mitchell Hurwitz and belong to him, Imagine Television, The Hurwitz Company, 20th Century Fox Television and the FOX Television Network. This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and dry transcript of the episode "Beef Consommé." It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed. I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

[The opening credits are the usual ones.]

[Open with scenes of Michael and Marta talking at Tobias' and Lindsay's anniversary party, Marta allowing a man to come into her wardrobe, Michael confronting Marta, a still of a page of a Spanish-English dictionary with "hermano" highlighted, Michael reading the card with "Te Amo" written on it, all from "Marta Complex" (with the exception of the still).]

NARRATOR: Michael Bluth was infatuated with his brother's girlfriend Marta, a Spanish language soap opera star.  But when he found out she was interested in a man named "Hermano," he confronted her.  Unfortunately, he discovered too late that hermano, in Spanish, meant "brother," and the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself.

[Cut to prison, where Michael, George Sr., Lucille, and Barry are sitting at a table.]

NARRATOR (cont.'d): This was distracting Michael the next day, when he went to meet his father's attorney in prison.

BARRY: Look, there is nothing to it.  It's an arraignment.  They announce the charges; however, it would help if you all showed up looking like a loving, supportive family.

LUCILLE: (skeptically) For how long?

BARRY: Ten minutes, tops.

LUCILLE: See if you can get it down to five.

GEORGE SR.: You know, maybe I should confess to these crimes, save everybody the trouble.

LUCILLE: Oh, get off the mount.  You're coming home guilty or somehow found not guilty.

[George Sr. hangs his head.  Michael's cell phone rings, and Michael answers it.]


GOB'S VOICE: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Gob, who is talking on a cell phone while riding his Segway.]

GOB (cont.'d): I'm waiting to hear about Marta and this Hermano guy.

[Cut to Michael.]

MICHAEL: Yeah, I checked it out, and I do not think that she's cheating.  (He stands up and walks away from the table.)

GOB'S VOICE: I'm going over to Marta's.

MICHAEL: (stammering) No, don't, don't do that, okay?  Just lay low, be cool, I'll talk to her again, and that way you don't look so desperate, you know?

GOB'S VOICE: You're a good guy, mon frère.  [Cut to Gob.]  That means "brother" in French.  I don't know why I know that, I took four years of Spanish.

[Michael rolls his eyes and hangs up.  Cut to the exterior of Marta's house.  Michael puts the kick-stand up on his bike and knocks on Marta's door.]

NARRATOR: So Michael went to speak with Marta about the misunderstanding from the night before.

[Marta answers the door.  She looks surprised.]

MICHAEL: I owe you an apology.

MARTA: No, I owe you an apology.  I'm so ashamed that I was so disrespectful to your brother.

MICHAEL: Oh, who cares?  Nobody respects him.  You see, Marta, I have been interested in you since the first day that we met.

MARTA: (even more surprised, and happy) Really?

MICHAEL: (quietly) Yeah. (nodding) Yeah.

MARTA: (shakes head) It doesn't matter.  We live by a code, you and I.  To honor family.

MICHAEL: Yes.  That's one of the things that attracted me to you, your sense of right and wrong.  I also like your face and your hair and your breasts.

MARTA: You're so unlike your brother.

MICHAEL: Oh, thank you.

MARTA: Gob is like the [?] of the [?].  Not you.

MICHAEL: (smiling broadly) You're so kind.

MARTA: (sincerely) You're sensitive like a woman.

MICHAEL: That's enough.  (pauses)  We do have to do the right thing.

MARTA: And being together is the wrong thing.

MICHAEL: Very, very … wrong.

[He kisses her.  The two retreat into the house, still kissing, and into the bedroom.  They bump into a dresser and accidentally knock over a photo of Gob, which reveals a still-upright picture of Jesus.  Michael sets the photo up in front of the picture; after a second thought, he turns the photo so they cannot see Gob.  Michael and Marta resume kissing.  Michael switches on some music and takes off his jacket.  They kiss, but Michael pulls away when he hears a recording of Gob singing.]

MICHAEL: Is that Gob?

MARTA: He likes to make love to this.

MICHAEL: I'm gonna turn this off.

MARTA: Please.

[He does; they resume kissing.  They lie back on the bed, but Michael suddenly jumps back.  He pulls out a magician's wand from under a blanket.]

MARTA: Gob's wand.

MICHAEL: Oh, this is so wrong. (Marta starts to kiss him again; he pulls back.)  No, n-n-not not hot-wrong, you know, regular-wrong.  I gotta tell Gob.

MARTA: No, I have to tell him.

MICHAEL: (putting on his jacket) Yes, but you, you speak a little slowly and I really want to get this thing moving along.  So listen.  You do the noble thing and you tell him that you've met somebody else; I'm going to do the noble thing and tell him that it's me; while I'm doing my noble thing, you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand, (he cups Marta's face) and we can do the wrong thing the right way.

[Cut to the model home.  Walking down the stairs, Maeby overhears her parents bickering in another room.  She rolls her eyes and walks up to them.]

NARRATOR: And Maeby was getting tired of her parents' constant fighting.

LINDSAY (off-screen): I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.

TOBIAS (off-screen): Nothing has ever gone well for me and you know that!

LINDSAY: That's my point, you (sees Maeby) handsome cowboy you.

TOBIAS (still off-screen): Oh great, and now you're mocking me, you selfish cu (sees Maeby) –ountry music-loving lady.  (He and Lindsay smile at Maeby.) Hello, Maeby.

MAEBY: Nice cover.  Why don't you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?  (She walks away.)

NARRATOR: The night before, Tobias and Lindsay had chosen to sleep in separate rooms.

[Cut to a split-screen of scenes from "Marta Complex."  Lindsay and Maeby sit in one bedroom, while Tobias and George Michael talk in another.]

NARRATOR: And Tobias had dropped an intriguing bit of information.

TOBIAS: And then of course we couldn't conceive, so there was that famous ordeal!

GEORGE MICHAEL: What do you mean, you couldn't conceive?

[Tobias' cell phone rings and Tobias goes to answer it.]

GEORGE MICHAEL (cont.'d): Was Maeby adopted?  Is she not really related to me?  Is she just some girl I know?

NARRATOR: George Michael never got an answer.

TOBIAS: (whispering) It's Carl Weathers.  (He answers the phone.)

[Cut to George Michael, who is sitting on a couch and looking through a photo album.]

NARRATOR: So, he set about doing some investigating of his own.

GEORGE MICHAEL: (to Maeby, who is off-screen) Hey, have you ever seen any pictures of your mom pregnant?

[Pull back to show Maeby, who stands next to him.]

MAEBY: Don't talk to me about my mom.  She's crazy.  Both of them are!  Sometimes I wish we weren't even related.

GEORGE MICHAEL: (eagerly) Hey, you know maybe we're not.  'Cause I mean, when you think about it we don't even really look like each other.

MAEBY: No, I was talking about my parents.  God, what's wrong with this family?  (She walks away.)

GEORGE MICHAEL: (quietly) Maybe we're not a family.  And maybe that's very, very right w– Uncle Gob!

[For Gob has just walked into the room.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, um, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?

GOB: (distractedly) Oh yeah, dozens of times.  Hey, is your dad, uh, around, or –?

[Gob walks into the kitchen at the same time that Michael does.  Michael sees Gob and stares, awkwardly.]

MICHAEL: Hey Gob.  Marta call?

GOB: (half-smiling) She sure has.

[Cut to Michael, who waits apprehensively.]

GOB (cont.'d): Four times, but I didn't take the calls.

MICHAEL: Oh, no?  Why not?

GOB: Because of you.  You said to lay low.  It's working.


GOB: Tell you what.  You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women.  I'll give you that.

MICHAEL: Uh-huh.  Listen Gob, you can't just ignore her.  I mean, maybe you should talk to her.  She is your girlfriend.

[Gob walks to the refrigerator and gets out a can of Sprite.]

GOB: Exactly.  And I want to keep it that way.  For all I know, she's calling to break up with me.  I don't answer the phone, that doesn't happen.  And it's all because of you, fratello.  That's Italian for "brother."  Now all I gotta do is find this Hermano guy.  I'm gonna kill him.

BUSTER (off-screen): Hey, brother.

MICHAEL: Hey, Buster.

[Buster walks on.  He sees Gob.]

BUSTER: Oh, hey brother.

GOB: Hey, Buster.

MICHAEL: Gob, there's no need for violence.  There never is.  I'd like to think that we're all, you know, intelligent, mature … um, adults that-that can settle their differences, whenever they come to light, with words.

GOB: Yeah, well I let my fists do the talking.  (holds up his fists; then, opens his right fist and lets his hand fall)  Not this one, 'cause obviously I need it for coin tricks and stuff, but this one, I let it speak for both of them.

BUSTER: Wait.  Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted.  That's what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight.

MICHAEL: I think that was about being attacked by bears.

BUSTER: I know.

[Cut to a flashback of Buster in high school.  He is eating his lunch when a kid in a bear suit confronts him.]

KID: Hey rich kid, give me your lunch money.

[The younger Buster immediately drops to the ground and curls into a ball.  The kid nudges him with a paw.]

[Cut back to present.]

BUSTER: But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today.

MICHAEL: (deadpan) Well, you'd be a much bigger ball.

BUSTER: (excitedly) I mean, there is so much in life that I haven't experienced.  And now that I'm away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live!  I want to dance, I want to make love to a woman, I want to get a checking account! (giggles) I wanna know what it's like to get my face socked in!

[The phone rings.  Michael goes to answer it.]

GOB: Michael, don't get that!  It could be Marta.

[Michael presses the "talk" button.]

MICHAEL: Oops, too late.  Hello?

[Cut to Lucille, who plucks her eyebrows as she answers.]

LUCILLE: Michael?

MICHAEL: Oh, hi Mom.

[Cut back to the kitchen.  Buster creeps up behind Michael.]

BUSTER: (quietly to Michael) I'm not here.

[Cut to Lucille.]

LUCILLE: Is that Buster?  Tell him I'm fine without him.

[Cut to Michael, who walks outside with the phone.]

LUCILLE'S VOICE: Why haven't you called me back?  I'm worried about your father's hearing.

MICHAEL: Mom, listen.  It's going to be fine.  I'm on it, okay?  I'll be there first thing Friday morning.

[Cut to Lucille.]

LUCILLE: It's tomorrow at four-thirty!

[Cut to Michael.]

MICHAEL: Oh.  I should write that down.

[Cut to Lucille.]

LUCILLE: Where is your head, Michael?

[Cut to Michael.]

MICHAEL: Listen, everything's going to be fine.  They just read the charges and we look like a loving family for, like, six minutes.

[Cut to Lucille.]

LUCILLE: Ten minutes.

[Cut to Michael.]

MICHAEL: We couldn't get that down?

[Cut to George Michael's (and currently Tobias') room, where Tobias is lounging on the lower bunk-bed.]

NARRATOR: George Michael, meanwhile, went to speak with Tobias.

[George Michael enters the room and hands Tobias a few sheets of paper.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: This was faxed to you.

TOBIAS: Oh, great!  The rewrite.  Let's see if they beef up my part.  (studies paper)  I got three lines!

GEORGE MICHAEL: (nervously) So uh, I've been thinking about that, uh, that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from, and, uh, I was just wondering if you could – you could finish that thought.

TOBIAS: Yes, okay, uh, well, have a seat.  Uh (they sit down) um … (he puts his arm around George Michael) When a man … needs to prove to a woman that he's actually – When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love to her, something very very special happens and, uh, with deep, deep concentration and – and great focus, he is often able to achieve an erec–

GEORGE MICHAEL: I'm sorry, I'm gonna stop you.  I know what you're – I – I didn't mean babies in general.

TOBIAS: (relieved) Oh!  Well that's good, 'cause it was about to get a little gross.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah.  No, I meant specifically with Maeby.

TOBIAS: (standing up, brandishing his script at George Michael) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  This isn't right.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I know.  You're right.  I'm sor–

TOBIAS: No, (gesturing to script) it says it's a shower scene.  I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene.  It has nudity!  (crosses to dresser, pinching forehead in frustration)

NARRATOR: Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.

TOBIAS: I don't do nudity.  It says that right on my résumé!  Okay, what – what do you think I wear these for?  (he takes a pair of denim cut-off shorts from the dresser)

GEORGE MICHAEL: I was never actually clear on that.

[Cut to kitchen, where Gob and Buster have stayed.]

BUSTER: (casually) So, you're not, uh, you're not with Marta anymore?

[Gob gets out a package of spaghetti.]

GOB: Well, my plan is to get her wanting me but bad, and I spring it on her.  "I know you've been cheating on me, and you just cost yourself one fine man and one fine CD of him singing "Love is in the Air." (takes bite of uncooked spaghetti)

BUSTER: Well, I've only known her through this while you were still going out, but uh, if you're done with her, (quietly) I'd sure like a crack at her.

GOB: (smirking) Right, right, okay.  That sounds great.  Go for it, buddy.  But you know that she's used to being with me, right?  So, it'd sort of be like going from prime rib to … I don't know, weird brother prime rib.

[Buster looks insulted.]

GOB (cont.'d): Do you even know her?

BUSTER: I met her.  I fell for her.  I've been watching her program, "El Amor Prohibido," the love that is forbidden.  She's the love that's forbidden.  I love my hermano.

[Gob looks up.]

GOB: Wait a second.  You know Hermano?

BUSTER: Hermano is "brother" in Spanish.  As in, (soothingly) "Hey, hermano."

GOB: Brother!  Hermano means "brother"!


GOB: Well, sounds like "Hermano" is about to get his ass kicked.

[Buster grins.]

BUSTER: Well, (removes his glasses) this is what I said I wanted.  So, all right.  Let's get it over with.  (closes eyes, grunts)


[Buster still has his eyes closed.  Gob looks at him oddly.]

BUSTER: So, you gonna hit me?

GOB: No.  I'm not gonna hit you.

BUSTER: You're not?

GOB: No.  You're not the brother Marta's cheating on me with.

BUSTER: Oh. (puts on glasses) So who is?

GOB: How the hell should I know, Buster?

BUSTER: You know, there is a guy who plays her older brother on her show.  I think his name is Tio.

GOB: Tio?  Well, sounds like someone who you think's name is Tio is about to get his ass kicked.  Thanks for the tip, Buster.

[Gob leaves.  Michael walks into the kitchen, finishing up his phone conversation with Lucille.]

MICHAEL: All right, I'll be sure to tell Buster.  All right.  Bye. (hangs up) Mom wanted me to tell you that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in the blue sweater.

BUSTER: Damn it!  I hate the blue sweater.

MICHAEL: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.

BUSTER: Damn it!  She's right.

MICHAEL: Where's Gob?

BUSTER: I think he's heading down to the set of Marta's soap opera.


BUSTER: (gossipy) Get this.  She may be cheating on him with the guy who plays her brother.  I mean, I still like her, but we're gonna have to deal with this.

MICHAEL: (grabbing his briefcase) I gotta go stop him.

BUSTER: Well, I've got a blue sweater to steam.

MICHAEL: Good luck.

[The two go their separate ways.  Cut to shots of Gob on his Segway, and Michael following him with the stairs.]

NARRATOR: Gob raced to confront Tio, with Michael in hot pursuit.

[Cut to George Michael, who enters Lucille's penthouse.]

NARRATOR: George Michael, having failed to get the information from anyone else, made the ultimate sacrifice and went to visit the keeper of the family secrets.

[Cut to the penthouse kitchen, where George Michael stands on one side of an island.  On the other side, Lucille prepares tea.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: So, uh, it's about Maeby.

LUCILLE: Oh!  That's a lost cause.  But you get what you pay for, eh?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah.  Wait, what?  What do you mean, "pay"?

LUCILLE: Fertility tests, lab fees, donors and implants.  She's not real.  She was made in a cup.  Like soup.  (pours tea) A hundred and thirty-thousand dollar cup of soup.  How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone?  All I know is it took an extra year before we could add a den.

GEORGE MICHAEL: So are you saying we're not directly related?

LUCILLE: I'm saying she already spent her inheritance getting here.

[She offers him a cup of tea; George Michael accepts it with a smile on his face.  Cut to the set of "El Amor Prohibido."  Gob asks a crew member where he can find Tio.]

NARRATOR: Gob, meanwhile, had finally shown up at the "El Amor Prohibido" set.

[Gob strides purposefully over to Tio.]

GOB: Hey, guy.  (Tio looks up.) They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother Tio.

TIO: ¿Como?

GOB: Oh, you're gonna be in a "como," buddy.

[He takes a swing at Tio.  Before he can hit him, the screen freezes.]

NARRATOR: Unfortunately, the actor who played Tio had also starred in a Mexican film about the life of Oscar de la Hoya.

[Cut to photo of Oscar de la Hoya.  Cut back to the set, where Tio proceeds to knock Gob out.  Cut to later.  Gob has a bruise on his left cheek and is lying in a hospital bed.  Michael approaches him.]

MICHAEL: Gob, hey.  (Gob wakes up with a start.) You all right?

GOB: Where am I?  Am I in … two-thirds of a hospital room?

[Pull back to reveal that Gob is, in fact, just lying in part of the set of "El Amor Prohibido."  Michael sits on the bed.]

MICHAEL: Yeah.  Listen … it's me.  I'm the guy that she likes.  Hermano is "brother."  Me.

GOB: (with a small smile) Well, if I had known it was you I wouldn't have minded.

MICHAEL: You wouldn't?

GOB: Michael, you're a great guy.  If you'd liked her I would've said "Go for it."

MICHAEL: I do kind of like her.

GOB: Go for it.

[Michael smiles.  Cut to the exterior of Marta's house.  Michael is wearing a tuxedo and is carrying a bouquet of roses and a bottle of champagne.  Marta opens the door.]

MICHAEL: Hi.  (He holds out the flowers and champagne.)  My brother says … we can do it.  That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but …

[They kiss and head indoors.  As they do, we see Buster holding a bunch of balloons and a mariachi band approaching him: he has hired them to serenade Marta.  Buster is heartbroken.  Cut to Marta's bedroom, where she is now on top of Michael.  Michael's pants are off, but all other clothing is still on the respective bodies.]

MARTA: Everything is finally perfect.

[Michael's cell phone rings.]

MICHAEL: (mumbles something unintelligible) I jinxed it.  I didn't turn it off.  (looks at cell phone)  It's just my mother.  She's probably worried about my dad's … hearing.

MARTA: Oh.  With my dad, it is the vision.

[Cut to Tobias and Lindsay, who are in the bathroom of the model home.]

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn't do the part.

TOBIAS: The play's naked, okay?!

[The two walk into Lindsay's (and currently Maeby's) bedroom.  Tobias pulls on a pair of pants over his cut-offs.]

LINDSAY: Tobias, we're gonna have to deal with this sometime!  I mean, I understand you not wanting to do it on film but you can't even get undressed in front of me!

TOBIAS: It is not you, Lindsay!  I can't get undressed alone, I can't get undressed by myself.  I mean, this is a real affliction.  I – you know, I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the States.  But I know for a fact that there are two members of German parliament that are called "Nie-nude"!  But they're German, so … they speak German, so they have a different

LINDSAY: Yeah, well it's not normal, and ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.  You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

TOBIAS: Please.  Please don't make fun.

LINDSAY: I'm not making fun.  Look.  How about we do this together.  You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket.

[Cut to the living room, where Maeby is sitting on a loveseat and reading a magazine.  George Michael enters.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: You know, this family can be pretty screwed-up sometimes.  But the good news is, I just found out –

MAEBY: Actually, I used to think that too; but it's better than the alternative.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, have you explored all the alternatives?  'Cause I guess what I'm getting at is –

MAEBY: No, but I'm glad I have this family, you know?  'Cause I know I say some bad stuff, but it's much better here than it was in Boston.  And I have a cousin here, so even if my parents do get divorced, I have you, right?

NARRATOR: George Michael realized that no matter how much it upset him, he didn't want to take Maeby's family away from her.

[George Michael sits down next to Maeby.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, you got us all right.

MAEBY: Now all I need is a boyfriend.


[Lucille sits in the courthouse.  She applies make-up.  Gob enters the courthouse and sits down next to her.]

NARRATOR: Lucille was left alone with her oldest son at the courthouse.

GOB: Just you and me, huh?  God, I'm the only one who ever comes through in this family.

[Cut to George Sr.'s prison cell, where a guard releases him.]

NARRATOR: And George Sr. was led into the courtroom.

[George Sr. enters the courtroom.]

GEORGE SR.: Where the hell is everybody?

GOB: (rises) I'm here, Dad.

GEORGE SR.: I can't believe no one showed up.  I dunno, maybe it's for the best.  Maybe I should just stay in prison so my family can be free.

LUCILLE: (also rises) Look, you're my husband and you belong back at home with me.

GEORGE SR.: (smiles) You really love me.

LUCILLE: Call it what you want.  I'm tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish.

[Barry rushes into the courtroom.]

BARRY: Sorry I'm so late.  I had another hearing.  Here's the good news: I think I'm gonna get off.  (smiles widely)  I have a good lawyer.  [Cut to George Sr., who looks troubled.  Barry kisses Lucille on the cheek.]  You look great in red.  Anywho, what are we doing here?  What's the plan?

LUCILLE: The plan?!  You're our lawyer!

BARRY: Oh, it's a figure of speech.  You're gonna be fine.

[George Sr. doesn't look so sure.  Just then, Buster and the mariachi band enter the courtroom.]

LUCILLE: Oh, for God's sake!  He's on his own for two days and he joins a gang.

BUSTER: These guys?  Oh, I've got them for the afternoon.  Besides, (dramatically) they're the only thing I have left to live for in this world.

LUCILLE: (rising) Oh, stop being so dramatic.  You know where I live.

BUSTER: I wasn't talking about you, Mom.  I was talking about Marta.  [Cut to Gob, who looks at Buster interestedly.]  Excuse me.  [He cuts past Lucille and sits down next to Gob.]

GOB: You were serious?  'Cause I got news for you, pal.  Marta's been interested in Michael.  That's right.  (disparagingly)  Dull, [? episode lost sound temporarily] Michael.

BUSTER: I know.  I saw them making out at her front door.

GOB: What?  When?

BUSTER: Just now.  Stuff I've gotta work out with Marta keeps piling up.

GOB: (dangerously) Unbelievable.

BAILIFF:  All rise.  This court is now in session.  [Cut to Judge Ping, who sits down.]  The Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.

BARRY: (whispered, furiously) Oh, we've got Ping!

JUDGE PING: (looking directly at camera) I must remind you that there are no cameras in my courtroom.

[Cut to five minutes later.  The camera, in accordance with Judge Ping's orders, is stationed just next to the courtroom doors.  Michael quietly rushes in, smoothing his hair.]

JUDGE PING: (listing George Sr.'s crimes) … conspiracy, evidence tampering, fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft …

BARRY: (rises) Wow, I did not get that page.

[Michael tries to slip in inconspicuously, but Gob rises when he sees Michael.]

JUDGE PING (cont.'d, sotto): … resisting arrest …

GOB: Michael, how dare you.

[The doors close.  For the next few moments, we can only hear what is going on.]

MICHAEL'S VOICE: Now come on, you said it's okay.  And nothing happened.  You know, take it easy, all right?

[We hear a gavel being pounded.]

GOB'S VOICE: Is that my belt?!

MICHAEL'S VOICE: Well, so what?


MICHAEL'S VOICE: Get your hands off me!

[The courtroom doors bang open as Michael forces Gob out of the courtroom.  He shoves Gob against the wall, and they continue to push each other.]

GOB: What is your problem?!

[The brothers continue to yell at each other unintelligibly.]

LUCILLE: What are you doing?!  What's the matter with you?!  Get off him!  George!

[Cut to inside the courtroom.  As various people stand to take in what is happening, we see a door swinging open and shut.  George Sr. is nowhere to be found.]

NARRATOR: George Sr., having never heard his charges listed consecutively in one sitting, panicked and ran with great intensity.

[George Sr. runs down a stairwell.  Cut to Gob and Michael, who are still going at it.  They headbutt each other outside the courthouse.  Lucille, Buster, and the mariachi band follow in hot pursuit.]

NARRATOR: Gob and Michael continued their fight onto the courthouse steps.

LUCILLE: Stop that!  Before someone gets hit in the face!

NARRATOR (cont.'d): Buster realized this was his opportunity to fulfill a long-time fantasy.

[Buster hands his glasses to Lucille, lets out a war-cry, and attempts to get in on the fight.  Lucille finds herself surrounded by the mariachi band members.]

LUCILLE: Oh, for God's sake!  Barry!

[Cut to Barry, who is running frantically.]

NARRATOR: Barry, too, felt overwhelmed by the charges leveled against his client, and also took flight.

[Barry and George Sr. pass each other in their mad running.]

BARRY: What are you doing?!  They'll add ten years to your sentence!

GEORGE: They'll never catch me!  (He opens a door at random and runs through it.)

GUARD'S VOICE: Oh, good.  (approaching George Sr. unconcernedly)  We'd better get you back in your cell.  It's getting kind of crazy out there.

[He leads George Sr. into the cell, which happens to be in the exact same room George Sr. had picked to run into.  Cut to the model home, where in Lindsay's (and currently Maeby's) room we see clothes piled on the floor.  We can only see Tobias from the knees down.]

NARRATOR: And back at the model home, things were heating up for Lindsay and Tobias as well.

TOBIAS: I can't, I can't, I can't.  I can't.

LINDSAY'S VOICE: For me, Tobias.

[Tobias' cut-offs drop to his ankles.]


[A tube sock drops to the floor.]

LINDSAY'S VOICE: You did it.

TOBIAS: Now what?

[Lindsay (from the knees down) steps on-screen.  She is presumably nude as well.]

LINDSAY: Now this(moves close to Tobias.)

NARRATOR: And for the first time in years, Lindsay and Tobias became intimate.

[Cut back to outside the courthouse.  Followed closely by Gob and not quite so closely by Buster, Michael runs and jumps onto a sculpted hedge.  Gob pulls Michael off the hedge.  They wrestle.]

NARRATOR: The brothers' fight, meanwhile, continued into the park, with Buster still hoping to take a punch.

GOB: Kill you!

BUSTER: Go, go, go, go!

[Pan to Lucille, who gets in a car.]

NARRATOR: Lucille had decided that perhaps she was better off without any of them.

[Michael frees himself and runs.  He runs behind a very skinny tree, and Buster chases him, therefore blocking Michael's view of Gob.]

MICHAEL: Move, Buster!  Get out of the way!

BUSTER: Hit me in the face!  Hit me in the face!  Hit me in the face, please, hit me in the face!  

[Lucille drives off.  Michael attempts to climb a different tree.  Gob attempts to pull him out, and Buster tackles Gob.  All three wrestle.]

MICHAEL: Buster!

BUSTER: Hit me in the face, please!

NARRATOR: While Marta, who had been told that the hearing would only last ten minutes, got tired of waiting.

[Marta runs over to the brothers.]

MARTA: Hey!  Hey!  

[The brothers look over at her; Buster attempts to run away.]


GOB: Marta?

MARTA: What is wrong with you?!  I thought you were good people!  I thought you were noble!  I thought you cared about family but you clearly don't!

[Michael and Gob look at each other, ashamed.]

MARTA (cont.'d): It's over.  With both of you!  It's over.

BUSTER: (rushing to Marta) Wait wait, what about me?

MARTA: I'm sorry, I'm not totally sure who you are.

[Buster reels back.  Marta leaves.]

BUSTER: (heartbroken) Wow!  Wow!  That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.

[Cut to Gob and Michael, who are still lying on the ground, winded.]

GOB: Can you believe that?

MICHAEL: Yeah, lecturing us about family.

GOB: Oh, who needs that?

MICHAEL: What are we doing?  Hey, we're brothers.  That's got to count for something.

GOB: That counts for everything.

MICHAEL: We're not gonna throw it away over some woman.

GOB: (cockily) Especially not my woman.  (returning to semi-seriousness) But you're right, you're right, this (gestures to himself and Michael) is what's real.  This is what lasts.  Everything else is just petty.

MICHAEL: Yeah, totally beneath us.  (starts to get up)  By the way, I don't know how you called her "your" woman, as she clearly prefers me.  She was all prepared to be my girlfriend, call me her boyfriend

BUSTER: (approaching them) Wait, wait, wait, wait –

MICHAEL: Hang on.  One second.

BUSTER: You know, first of all this is all moot because she never got a chance to know me.  Now will someone please have the decency to to punch me in the face?

[Gob and Michael look at each other.  Gob gestures to Michael, "Go ahead."  Michael brings back his fist, but before he can hit Buster, Buster yelps and falls to the ground, curled in a ball.]

MICHAEL: Well, it's effective.

GOB: Yes.


NARRATOR: On the next "Arrested Development"

[Cut to Tobias, who is apparently shirtless.  The camera zooms out and we see that, in fact, he is completely nude.  He strolls into the dining room where Buster, Gob, Lindsay, and Michael are all eating breakfast.]

NARRATOR: Tobias quietly overcompensates.

TOBIAS: (yawning and stretching) Oh, please tell me there's some coffee left.  (pouring himself a cup)  I slept very well last night.  (gives Lindsay a kiss on the cheek and strolls away.)