Rating: PG probably. Maybe PG-13, certainly nothing worse.
Author's note: This story is from Jen's point of view as she contemplates what happened the night of Dawson's surprise birthday party. I don't think there are really any spoilers, although it would be easier to understand the story if you've seen the episode "Be Careful What you Wish For" (which I really liked, by the way). Anything that sounds like a spoiler of a past episode I probably made up and isn't really. This is just a one part story.
Disclaimer: Don't own Dawson, Jen, Joey, Abby, Ty, or Jen's family. They are the product of Kevin Williamson, I am only manipulating them for my purposes. Don't own That Lonesome Road by James Taylor and Don Grolnick, either, I just think it's a beautiful song (well, depending on the version. Some of the choral versions are). Maybe I'll find a MIDI copy sometime and be able to post it. I'm sorry to say I don't know if I remembered the lyrics exactly.
When the Silver Moon
Walk down that lonesome road
All by yourself
Don't turn your head
Back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high
Above the trees
I watch the moon rise over the creek and wonder why exactly I'm here. In Capeside, I mean. It used to be because of my parents. They couldn't stand to look at me after they caught me with Billy. I couldn't stand to look at me after they caught me with Billy. The only one who believed in me was my gramps, and he's gone. Gram sort of believes in me, but through her own closed eyes. I thought Dawson believed in me... I even thought Ty could believe in me. But my past has followed me even here, hundreds of miles away from where I left it. And I can't bear to look at myself in the reflection of the glass as I kneel higher on the couch to watch the moon shine off of the water.
I tried to come here to escape my past and I've failed miserably, obviously. Everyone I start to love... they learn about it or know about it and can't see past it. Even Abby thinks I'm a slut. Abby. For someone like Abby to look down on you... god, what am I going to do? I can't even turn to you for answers, as far as I'm concerned you can't help me. Spiritual enlightenment never worked for me. I'm almost envious of Gram in that respect. She has unbending faith that helps to keep her strong. All I have is me.
She used to teach me to be good when I came to visit when I was little. I would just cock my head, pretending to listen, and laugh at her when she turned away. How could anyone accept such an unjustified belief? There was never any proof. I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had...
If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
Then maybe I wouldn't be on this road tonight.
And then there's Ty. I cared for him. For the first time, I really felt like I was getting over Dawson, like I finally found someone else who could see past the New York me and treat me a way I don't know if I deserve to be treated. Treat me with respect, someone who could make me happy. I could get lost in his eyes. As incredibally stupid as that sounds, I could put my arms around him and look into his eyes and feel like we were the only two in existance. If anyone else was around, it didn't matter, they weren't there as far as I was concerned. My happiest time wasn't making out with him in the car, although that was nice, obviously. It was the time I could stand in his arms and bring my face up to his just to gently rub his nose. There was no alterior motive to my soft kisses, I just wanted to be with him. It wasn't just lust this time. It could have been so much more. But no, I was the temptation. Even his entire religion spurns me, and that's really something. He's such a hypocrite. He can drink and party, but when it comes to me, he can't control himself enough. I'm too sexy for him, what a load of bull. He's afraid I'm going to seduce him and he'll like it? Why was he so quick to think the worst of me? How can I escape from my past when other people think enough of it that they fear their entire basis of living and beliefs can be upheaved by a simple kiss from me? I'm not a black widow, I'm not going to give anyone the kiss of death. I don't even have any veneral diseases, I tried to be careful in that sense. I'm not so evil.
Dawson Leery. He thinks I'm a slut, too. He gets drunk and tells me he wants to party with me. Of course, the one time he almost did, I wouldn't let him. I know he told Joey that he didn't sleep with me because he wasn't ready and I didn't want to, either. He was pretty ready from what I could see, very ready, actually. At least very willing. It was hard to miss the protrusion into my thigh. But I wouldn't let him. We got to third so I could alleviate his tension, but I couldn't sleep with him. I would have been sleeping with him for all the wrong reasons. I know he still loves Joey. It wasn't obvious or anything when he lurched at her in his drunken stupor, but at least he was being honest. That's what hurts the most about his offer to party with me, that wasn't a drunken delusion of his. He just let down his public persona as my psych class might call it. He lost his social inhibtions into the booze and let his real thoughts come out. I couldn't sleep with him because I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't take seeing him everyday knowing that I ruined him. His innocence and idealism. He wants his first time to be out of love, and I want him to have that. Even when he becomes a regular hormone driven guy, I know he wants to lose his virginity out of love. That's one of the things I love about him. But I don't know if that love is out of love romantically anymore or out of love for a friend. I can't sleep with him until I know I love him and he loves me. I can't have him see me as the slut and have visual proof with it. I respect him too much, and I wish I respected myself like that, too. Everytime I love someone, I lose them, though. Maybe I should just stop loving.
Carry on,
Never run feeling sorry for yourself
It doesn't help to save you from your
Troubled mind.
But I won't. I'll never stop. Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to. I still have so much love to give. I just need to find someone, besides just Grams, that I can give that love to who can see past the old me and love me back. So let Ty apologize that he can't control his male hormones. I didn't love him yet, and if I did, he just returned the love to me so I can bestow it on someone else when I heal. I'll beat the small minds here. And I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and even bestow some of that love on to myself.
Walk down that lonesome road
All by yourself
Don't turn your head
Back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high
Above the trees.
~"That Lonesome Road" by James Taylor and Don Grolnick