Can't Not
Disclaimer: The usual. I don't own Dawson's Creek and if you thought I did.. well, that would be kind of funny.
Rating: R, sorry, no kiddies. There’s some semi-descriptive sexual scenes and even more innuendo, even a curse word.
Author's Note: Please read the Interrupted Melody series and Analyze This and Big Night, or you will be so confused. We ended with Joey giving Dawson an ultimatum about their friendship after also telling him she slept with Anderson. Thanks to Estelle for proofing it for me :)
Can’t Not
Joey stared at her reflection and scrunched up her face. She didn’t like what she saw. Her frown became deeper and she turned away, her eyes brimming with tears. She was so stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. The guilt pulsated throughout her body as she dwelled on what she had done.
”Just choose, Dawson,” she had said, the condom beginning to tremble in her hand. He chose yes. He kissed her with a renewed passion and then stroked her hair as she unrolled the condom over him. He rolled her onto her back, but then didn’t do anything. He just stared at her, and Joey knew what he was thinking from the intense expression on his face. She tried to return the intensity, but instead regarded him with a nervous confusion. Dawson seemed not to notice, though, and slowly slid her legs apart. He prepared to guide himself into her when he heard a whisper so mournful that it sent a wave of coldness through him.
“Stop.”
Dawson withdrew. “Stop?” he repeated back slowly. “We haven’t even started yet.” Joey barely nodded her assent and looked at him sadly. She sat up.
“I’m so sorry. I—We can’t do this. God, Dawson. I’m so sorry.” She suddenly realized that he had never seen her naked before. She self-consciously pulled the blanket over her, trying to convince herself that he adored her enough that he would have liked whatever she had to show him. The thought wasn’t comforting. She felt ridiculous.
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Dawson asked softly, putting his hand to her face. She shrugged it off.
“No. No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“What’s wrong then, Jo? I thought this was what you wanted.” He gently pulled the sheet back down to her stomach. “You’re so beautiful,” he said. “Don’t’ hide from me.” Joey rolled her eyes. He had hit the nail right on the head as he always did with her.
“I’m not hiding,” she argued, snatching the covers back up to her chin. Dawson just looked at her.
“Go home, Joey,” he sighed after a moment, putting on his boxers and throwing her clothes next to her. He turned around while she got dressed.
“Dawson, I really am sorry,” Joey went to kiss him. He didn’t stop her lips from lingering on his cheek but didn’t kiss her back, either. She climbed out the window, silently scowling at the fact that he could read her so well and half the time she didn’t know what he was thinking. At least she didn’t think she did.
Joey sat down on her floor, her arm up against her bed. Anderson, she had to call back Anderson. She had cheated on him, and he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve the silent treatment. He didn’t deserve any of it. She had to apologize and explain herself. She picked up the phone.
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“I was surprised to hear from you, Joey. It’s been a while since you called.”
Joey walked in the front door. “I didn’t know who else to call,” she shrugged. “Thanks for inviting me over.” Jen took her coat.
“What’s on your mind?”
“I don’t know what’s there, it’s all mixed up,” Joey said. “Maybe… maybe you can give me some advice. Let me be curt and ask you something pretty personal without you getting mad at me, though.”
“Okay,” Jen agreed, “I guess it’s okay. I know I can trust you.” Joey took in a breath.
“How could you live with yourself after sleeping with all of those people you realized you didn’t love? How did you handle the overwhelming desire to just blow them off when it was going to hurt them?”
“But why would you want to know about something like—“ Jen stopped. “I can tell you about the loveless sex, but not about the part where my not talked to them again hurt them. I always got the short end of that stick.
“After my first time,” Jen began, “I was pretty lost. I wasn’t ready. He didn’t love me. It was lousy. I had to grow up really quickly, and I felt empty. Something was missing. I had to fill it so I decided to try again and fill it with more sex. At first it was an accident. A friend of an older friend kind of took me under his wing. He dated me for a bit and then I let him sleep with me a few times, thinking sex had to be better then it was that first time or everyone wouldn’t always rave about it so much, and then I never heard from him again. I loved the chase, though, the dating and the affection. I craved it, even though I kept getting hurt in the end, it was addictive for me. And soon I began directly associating it with sex. When I finally realized that it was all an illusion and it had just made me come to expect the painful part, feel like I deserved it, I had even less than I did before. I broke down. You met me not too long after that.”
“How did you leave it behind and redeem yourself, though?” Joey asked. “You just woke up one morning and decided to like yourself again?”
“It was gradual, but the choice to overcome it started sort of like that. It had to start sometime…” Jen trailed off. “So are you going to tell Dawson?”
“Tell him what?” Joey asked with a nervous half-smile. “That your promiscuity resulted from a void left in your life caused by the people closest to you? I think not.”
“Joey, I can put two and two together.”
“I know,” Joey sighed. “I knew you already had. I made such a big mistake, Jen, and I can’t just make it go away.”
“Do you still love Dawson? Because he loves you, you know.”
“Of course I know. I can see it every time I look into his eyes and… it scares me. It scares me because I don’t deserve it and because I’m going to hurt him.”
“Why did you start dating Anderson?”
“Because I couldn’t let Dawson waltz into my life and expect me to drop everything.”
“Uh huh…” Jen gave Joey a knowing look.
“You know!” Joey suddenly realized. “You know everything. Dawson told you! God, I can’t believe this.”
“I don’t know everything. All I know is I went to see Dawson this morning and he was crying, Jo. He was crying. From the fragmented sentences I caught, you just waltzed back into his life and expected him to drop everything even though you have a boyfriend. Look, I know you wanted him to prove he was really ready to love you, and if he hadn’t already he did when he told you to go home last night.”
“You’re right,” Joey said quietly after a long silence. “I went over there to dump all my problems on him so he could make them go away.”
“I don’t know why you slept with Anderson, but I do know you chose him over Dawson because you didn’t think you deserved to be happy. You loved Dawson, but you didn’t think you were pretty enough or endearing enough or whatever. At least that’s how I’ve always seen it and my point of view is a little more objective than yours.”
“What are you doing, Jen, stalking us? When did you have time to be so observant?”
“The night you went into his room a few months ago and didn’t leave until the next morning,” Jen admitted. “Dawson never told me what happened, I never asked, but I do live next door. I saw you go up there, I heard you crying, and I didn’t see you leave until the next day. And then you chose Anderson.” Joey had an unreadable expression on her face.
“I don’t’ know if I like you knowing so much about me that I haven’t told anybody,” Joey said coldly.
“I’m sorry, but just take it as I know where you’re coming from and I can help,” Jen pleaded. “Call Anderson. Then talk to Dawson.”
“Okay,” Joey looked away. “Okay, I will.”
“The sooner you do it, the quicker you’ll find resolution, but you have to confront it.”
“I feel like I’m talking to Ann Landers,” Joey grinned and rolled her eyes. “I have a phone card, mind if I use your phone?”
“Grams is out, not at all. Here’s the cordless.” Joey took it and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.
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Dawson locked his window before leaving his room. Joey wasn’t going to surprise him again. It was already too much. He felt hurt, angry, rejected yet again, but he had no just cause for it. They weren’t together. She hadn’t cheated on him. They hadn’t ever been together. He couldn’t help he fact that he still loved her, though, and he couldn’t help that, more than anything else, he felt stupid. He felt so blind and so stupid. All this time, he had made himself believe that she still loved him. She had to if only because he loved her so much. She loved him so much, though, that she was able to give her virginity to someone else. When had she been able to get over him so absolutely?
Dawson locked the door to his house and stepped outside. He hadn’t even begun to try and analyze what had happened the night before. He needed to know how to react to Joey and Anderson first, for the sake of his own sanity. He walked to the dock. He was unable to stay in his room, he couldn’t bear to look at that bed, the bed where all his problems had disappeared twice for a night before reality gave him an even bigger kick in the butt.
Why did she want to have sex with Anderson and not him? He gripped the metal bar lining the dock tighter. His anger intensified, but he had no one to direct it at. Why was he so pathetic? He should have been over her months ago. Since that night at the dance, all his fantasies were about her. He could think of himself entering her, and that was all he needed to begin the excitement that would soon wield to a pleaseure almost incomparable to anything else… almost. He could still feel her arms around him. Her hands, her mouth… everywhere.
I should have been her first, the first is the important one, the one she will remember the most. How could she be fucking him after she had loved me for so long?
He was clenching the railing so tightly that his knuckles whitened. He wanted to scream, scream so loudly that Joey would be able to hear it, be able to feel it across the water. Jen quietly watched him from her house, wondering if there was any way Dawson could have known that Joey was sitting on her bathroom floor speaking with Anderson. She came to the conclusion that the answer was no and pulled her curtains together. She sank to the ground and started silently crying for them all.
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Feedback please? I haven't posted for a long time, so I'd appreciate it ;)