"We better make camp Lou," Kid said as the light started to fade.
They were almost halfway between Sweetwater and Seneca. The pair had intended to get an early start but their start had been postponed as Teaspoon arrived back at the station after what looked like a long night to tell them that Creeping Fox had escaped and killed Barnett in the process. It had been a long silent ride. They hadn't talked much, both insecure in their own way and feeling a sense of urgency demanding that they get to Seneca as fast as possible. Both figured it was better not to touch areas that might stir up the fight. It was safer to be quiet and quiet wasn't so bad with the Kid. He was still there, she could feel that. She could even feel that, like her, he wasn't as angry as he'd been, they just didn't have to put everything into words. Lou didn't know how to take back what she'd said to him the day before. Just being together seemed enough for them right now.
Lou slid off Lightning and extended her hand to take Katy's bridle. "Better keep them apart," Kid smiled, "I don't trust that stallion of yours, Katy's just been in season."
Lou blushed. She'd never have believed she would blush so easily, not after what she had seen, heard and been through. But something in Kid's voice, the teasing underlying implication, had her cheeks turning bright red. She couldn't believe he was teasing her after what she'd said to him, what she'd accused him of. Lou knew now that she'd been scared and it was her fear that had made her defensive and angry. She didn't like feeling uncertain and scared. Her hand fell back to her side at his remark. Kid smiled that smile of his before he turned and tied Katy to a tree far away from the stallion.
She started to collect twigs for the fire. It was a warm night but she knew they both needed some warm food; they had a long way ahead of them. Kid crouched beside her and she watched as he fought to get the fire started. Silently he sat beside her and her hands started to shake, her thoughts running rampant and uncontrolled. The thought that had just entered her brain was one she never had expected--those warm hands touching her body in places Lou never imaguned she'd ever want a man to touch her again. She wanted him in a way she'd never thought possible, his soft breathing at her side, the movements he made when he leaned in to blow on the flames, the glance he threw her when the fire picked up and spread. Lou shook her head slightly to clear it trying desperately to think about the fight they'd had, the words she'd said anything to take her mind off the man next to her. Dammit Jon was in danger and here she was thinking impure thoughts about a man who drove her crazy most of the time.
His presence was intoxicating and she felt she needed to run away, but at the same time something held her back. She wanted this to happen. Other men had wanted her and shown it too. Kid just sat there making her unsure and it excited her more than the overt invitations from others. She had no idea how to treat men like him. Sometimes he was an enigma--like now when he looked at her with the same gaze she remembered from that first day. He knew her and he knew her well, but he was not hers and might never be. And she so wanted him to be.
"Better get some water," Lou said and rose. Walking to the stream she sensed him walking up behind her. Lou's hands started trembling again and she stuffed them in her pockets. When she stopped at the small stream she cursed herself, she had forgotten the canteen.
Kid stepped up beside her and handed her what she had forgotten, an amused smirk on his face and humor in his eyes. Lou smiled at him, apologizing wordlessly for the silliness. Kid's eyes rested on her and she could tell his breath had quickened just as her own. Reaching to grab the canteen from Kid, her fingers landed on his and he wouldn't let go. The warmth of his skin under her hand had her reflexively wetting her lips with her tongue. Looking into his eyes, she let go of the canteen and it fell to the ground. His eyes held that question she had seen before, the question, an invitation almost, that only she had the answer to. They stood there, looking at each other, the air around them filled with an almost tangible attraction.
What happened next wasn't clear to her. Suddenly she found herself in his arms, his strong arms around her and his lips pressed to hers. The velvet touch she remembered so fondly in her dreams made her close her eyes as his tongue softly traced the crack of her lips. Opening her mouth she kissed him deeply, like she'd never kissed him before, extending her own invitation. One of his warm hands lay low against her spine, the other in the middle of her back as their tongues met in slow, mind-shattering movements and Lou's arms clenched around Kid's neck. Her heartbeat rose and the intimacy was turning her inside out. She drowned in the kiss, it made the surroundings evaporate. There was no ride, no Jon or Jimmy or Amber, there was just the two of them in this moment that felt so right.
She felt his heart beat against hers and his breath caress her chin as he pulled away. Lou drew him closer, she didn't want him to go, she never wanted him to go. He must have seen it in her eyes. The blueness of his had her knees shaking. This had been happening for so long, it had been gradually building up between the two of them, leading them to this moment, but now it felt like too much and too sudden. She was about to lose herself in him and she didn't care.
"Lou," he whispered breathlessly before he rubbed his nose tenderly against hers. The caress was like nothing she had expected, it was not just physical need, it was something so much more than that. She needed everything he was and she knew he understood that. And he was willing to give it all to her. They stood there face to face, their eyes drinking each other. Her hands wandered into the curls she longed to feel run through her fingers. She was swung up into his arms as if she were a child and he walked the few steps to the bedrolls extended on the sand.
For one moment Lou was afraid he'd take her just as brutally as Wicks had and a scared whimper left her lips. Kid stopped in midstride and was about to let go of her. His eyes started at her reaction and he gazed at her as his arms loosened their grip on her. She looked into those wells of love, those eyes she could always read, and knew he would never hurt her. He would never ask anything of her that she wasn't willing to give and for those eyes and the expression lodged in them she would give everything.
Her lips searched for his again and the hunger in her kiss had Kid falling down on his knees in the sand. She landed straddled on his lap, her fingers wandering by their own over his face, over his strong neck onto his chest. He was shivering under her touch and she deepened the kiss, telling him how much she wanted him. And she wanted him more than anything she'd ever wanted anything before in her life.
Her fingers opened the buttons of his shirt. His held her tight up against the strong body that had her shivering with need. Their bodies took command, shedding the clothes that confined them and they found themselves passionately exploring each others' nakedness. She let her need take over and obeyed it blindly. There were no real words between them, just whispered endearments that each hoped the other meant. Sinking into each other they hardly moved. The feeling of each other so close was enough to throw them right into a vast ocean of quivering lust and need. Lou's hands grabbed onto the Kid as he slowly came inside of her and gently pushed her over the brink into a pleasure she had never even dreamt about. Pleasure enfolding her, she whimpered his name and lost herself totally in him. With a soft moan he joined her and Lou buried her face against his neck, sobbing as he whispered her name over and over again.
Their hearts stilll beat wildly, their breaths haggard as Kid weakly lay back against the bedrolls, pulling her with him. Lou lay her head on his chest, her hand absently stroking the warm skin. They lay like that for long minutes trying to hold onto the incredible thing that had just occurred neither wanting to be the first to shatter the silence.
A cool wind had struck up and blew over her body causing goosebumps and clearing her head enough to think. Lou was incredibly aware of every sensation, her skin and senses suddenly hyper-aware. She could feel his arms around her warm and secure, his bare skin beneath her body, feel the decelerating heartbeat beneath her cheek, hear his still fast breath acting as counterpart to hers.
Oh, God what have I done, she thought horrified. Tears began to fill her eyes and she squeezed her lids shut hoping to stem the tide threatening to overflow. This wasn't supposed to happen. He's engaged to Amber. The thoughts came fast and furious to her cleared head. This was so wrong. Then how come it felt so right, a small voice said. No, he doesn't love me. It was wrong. Guilt and fear left Lou feeling empty after what had been the most incredible and fulfilling experience she'd ever had. For a few all-too-brief minutes she'd been happier than she'd ever been and knowing that it was both the first and last time added to the tears now slipping from her lashes and falling onto Kid's bare chest.
Kid lay holding Lou close and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was the way it was meant to be. She was his, created for him and he for her. He knew that parting with Amber, although a difficult decision, had been the right one. There was so much he wanted to say, to tell her but his heart was too full. So, he simply held her. Kid loved her, but the words 'I love you' seemed too simple, too inadequate to capture how he felt. Placing a gentle kiss on the top of Lou's head, he vowed, I will love you and no one else for as long as I breathe. He felt a warm wetness on his chest and looked down in confusion as Lou began to untangle herself from his arms.
"Lou," he said reaching a hand out to her even as she pulled away and wrapped a blanket around her bare form. His heart broke as she moved to the end of the bedroll and sat staring into the darkness as the tears fell down her cheeks. Oh, God she regrets it, he thought painfully. What have I done?
I've given myself to a man who doesn't love me, she thought miserably. Then another thought entered Lou's head, another doubt. What if we started a baby? No, she wouldn't think about that possibility until she had to.
They sat like that for long silent minutes, Lou stifling her tears, her arms wrapped protectively around herself at one end of the bedroll while Kid sat watching her miserably at the other end having dragged the other blanket over to cover himself. "You okay, Lou," he finally ventured after the silence had driven him crazy for too long. He hated himself for hurting her, for listening to his instincts instead of his head for once. You should have controlled yourself, Kid.
She glanced at him briefly before turning away again. The sight of him reminding her of her own guilt and uncertainty. "I don't know," Lou answered deciding to be honest with him. Her worst fear was that what had happened would irrevocably change their relationship, that they couldn't get past their indiscretion.
"A couple of hours ago, the only thing on my mind was gettin' on with what we'd been puttin' off for so long," Kid said, his voice carrying an apology along with his words.
Lou brought her hands up to her face, blushing at the memory of where they'd been recently, what they'd done. She laughed lightly as she glanced at him over her shoulder. "Me too," she admitted with an embarassed smile.
Even Kid blushed at the memory and looked down quickly. He realized sadly that they'd gotten it backwards. They'd made love before declaring their love. "Seems like endin' all that waintin' was," he paused gesturing helplessly "more important to us than the reason we wanted to end it."
She nodded, unable to look at him as she took the plunge and voiced her greatest fear. "Do you think we made a mistake," Lou asked trying to sound casual.
"No!" Kid exclaimed quickly. He scooted closer to her and repeated it in a softer, warmer voice, "No." He kissed her shoulder gently, the fingers of one hand drawing comforting invisible circles on the bare skin of her neck and opposite shoulder. "I don't see as we coulda done anythin' else anyway."
Lou nodded, some of her worry fading. He didn't regret it so maybe there was some hope for them? He was trying so hard to comfort her. His gentleness even now moved her.
"Things are gonna be different between us now," Kid continued. There was no way they couldn't be. Sex changed everything in every relationship he'd ever seen. Making love to Lou had changed him. He'd go to the end of the earth to see her smile, to protect her from anyone including himself. Kid'd loved her before but now she consumed him.
She'd known the truth before he'd even said it. Sex complicated things and for them it could either perfect or ruin what they had. Lou stared off into the darkness praying this newfound intimacy did the former rather than the latter. "Maybe better?" she suggested optimistically.
God I hope so, Kid prayed. At that moment he had no more words so he stayed silent and simply kissed her shoulder again.
Making a final decision regarding her feelings, Lou turned to him with a new sense of purpose. She brushed a barely-there kiss on his forehead and ran her finger up the strong column of his neck to tip his head up. He met her eyes and she put all of the feelings she felt for him there for him to see. Her stomach churned as she said quietly, "I love you Kid."
He could feel her holding her breath nervously as she awaited his response. In the silence, his eyes softened as he realized that Lou was laying her heart on the line for him, laying herself completely bare and trusting before him. Kid's own heart swelled in response, his throat tightening emotionally. "I love you too, Lou," he returned, his voice cracking slightly with the depth of his emotion. He exulted in the look of relief on her face and reached out to draw her close as he lay back on the bedrolls once again.
Lou let him lay her back down and she kissed his arm as she snuggled deeper into his embrace, his warmth wrapping around her securely. Kid settled her against him marveling at how right and perfect they felt together. He knew she was scared, he was too, and he gently kissed the top of her head offering her the only comfort and assurance he could.
"Where do we go from here?" she whispered, staring into the flames of their campfire. Would he love her forever? Could he love Jon as his own? Could she build up her own hopes for the future on the foundation of their love? There were so many unanswered questions.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. Kid hugged her tighter and moved so that he could kiss her neck. "All I know is that I need you and I love you. We'll figure the rest out as we go."
"What about Amber?"
"We're over," Kid said softly. "We should never have been."
Lou could hear the hurt in his voice, the apology and turned over in his arms so that she could look at him. There was a pain in his eyes that she couldn't stand and she pulled his head down to rest against her breasts, stroking his hair like she did when Jon woke from nightmares.
"I've been such a fool, Lou. I should've broken it off long ago when I first fell in love with you, but I was too scared to. I went there the other night to get some answers. She told me she found out about Jon by going through your things one day when no one was at the station. She said she'd been jealous and curious about your past, but that she never told anyone about what she'd found."
Lou felt the anger begin to build inside her but said nothing as he continued. "She was really worried that something had happened to Jon when you fainted so she asked. Once she asked she was too ashamed and embarassed to tell you the truth about how she found out so she dragged me into it. I guess hearing that made me realize just how unmatched we really were," he said sadly.
"I can't say I'm sorry to see her go," Lou admitted. "I'm just sorry you got hurt in the process." She couldn't be angry with the girl especially since it was Lou who was gaining from Amber's heartache.
Mischievously, Kid turned his head slightly and began to move his lips over her bare skin, his hands fumbling to unwind the blanket from around her torso. "You're the perfect cure for all my hurts, you know," he muttered.
Lou giggled at the line and his frustration when he couldn't find the end of the blanket. Her hands moved to help him and together they pulled the cloth away. "And I suppose you've got a heap of healin' to do," she replied sarcastically as he stared down at her with awed eyes.
Kid leaned down and placed tiny kisses along her collarbone and worked his way up to her lips. He kissed her deeply before pulling back slightly. "Yup, lotsa healin'. Could take years, maybe a lifetime," Kid said archly.
"More like all night," Lou said against his lips as she pulled his head
down for another kiss anxious to lose herself in him again.