"Kisses for Kaos"
Transcribed by Kristina Johnson © 2001
Scene: Max is gardening outside a consulate building. 99 arrives dressed as a nursemaid pushing a baby carriage. The "baby" starts crying.
99: Oh! Baby must be hungry. (she puts a bottle into what we thought was a baby but is really a tape recorder and the crying stops) 86?
Max: 99.
99: The chief wants your surveillance report.
Max: Right. 8:40, the council general entered. At 9:12 a telephone repairman went in and came out again at 9:46. Nothing suspicious there.
99: A telephone repairman? But, Max, a telephone repairman could hide anything in his repair case.
Max: He was checked out by security. Believe me 99, I know what I’m doing!
99: I know Max, but suppose this man was trying to blow up this consulate.
Max: We don’t know that 99. All we know is the anonymous tip said that the consul was in danger! Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to get on with my report.
99: Sorry, Max.
Max: At 10:15 a state department official entered. He left at 11:22. At 12:06, a man delivered a painting and came out just three minutes ago. Now give me your pen and I’ll sign the report.
99: Right. (Hands it to him. He signs it and hand it back to her. Suddenly the consulate explodes. 99 hands him back her pen).
Max: 12:09… the consulate blew up.
<Opening Credits>
Scene: Chief’s office. Max, 99, and the Chief are at the Chief’s desk.
Chief: Where’d you find this?
Max: In the wreckage in the consulate, Chief in part of a painting that was delivered from and art gallery directly before the explosion.
Chief: An art gallery owned by a man named Rex Savage?
Max: Right, Chief. How did you know that?
Chief: Pieces of paintings from the Savage gallery have been found at the scene of the last two explosions.
99: Where were the other two explosions, Chief?
Chief: An embassy and a police station.
Max: Any connection between them?
Chief: All three places had information on file that would have been detrimental to Kaos. That information was destroyed in each location. I think its time for Intelligence to give us a run down on Rex Savage.
Max: Now wait a minute chief. I’ve already taken care of that. I’m having the info transferred here through our inter office transfer relay. I think its coming through now, Chief. (a rock breaks through the window) I’ll get it.
Chief: Thank you, Max. (looks at the rock) The Intellegence section apparently has no file on Savage, no picture, no fingerprints, nothing.
Max: That can’t be right, Chief. Well either our boys are lying down on the job or this rock is a forgery. (grabs the rock)
99: That’s the official CONTROL rock Max, look.
Max: Oh, yes our name and address is on it ‘if found drop in any mailbox.’
Chief: I want Savage’s fingerprints and a picture taken of him right away. 99, we’ll give you the cover of a wealthy society girl.
99: A patron of the arts, right?
Chief: Correct. Make contact with him and use this pencil. (holds out a pencil)
Max: Now wait a minute, Chief. Won’t it look a little suspicious if she starts drawing his picture?
Chief: It’s for his fingerprints Max. This pencil has been scientifically treated. If you can get him to touch it with his fingers, it will leave an impression of his prints.
99: Right. (takes the pencil and places it in her purse)
Max: Now what about me, Chief?
Chief: You can pose as her chauffeur.
99: Oh that’s a good idea.
Max: Thank you.
Chief: And have the Parker hide a micro camera somewhere in your uniform so you can take Savage’s picture.
Max: Right, Chief. Come on 99.
99: Okay. (They exit)
Scene: The Savage gallery. Rex is chatting with a blonde woman).
Rex: Here you are, my dear. A little gift for you. (hands her a painting)
Woman: Thank you, Rex. See you soon?
Rex: Of course.
Woman: Bye!
Rex: Goodbye! (she leaves. Mondo enters)
Mondo: Rex, I thought you were through with that woman. Her consulate has already been blown up.
Rex: She came in and started asking questions.
Mondo: She must be eliminated.
Rex: She will, Mondo. I just gave her one of our ingenious works of art with the time explosive paint and in 5 minutes there won’t be a trace of her.
Mondo: What a combination of talents! Here am I one of the world’s greatest artists and you, one of the world’s most ingenious chemists!
Rex: And after our next painting is delivered, the whole world will hear of us!
Mondo: Where will it hang?
Rex: In the Pentagon.
Max and 99 enter. Camera cuts to them. They're both dressed in their disguises.
99: I don’t think I understand modern art, Max. What do all these paintings mean?
Max: Its really quite simple. Let’s take this painting over here as an example. (Walk over to a painting).
99: Okay.
Max: Now, let me see. I think this is a street scene. The buildings in the background symbolize the vast forces of nature. And the loneliness insignificance in constant struggle of man is represented by that little black dot. (The dot turns out to be a fly and it flies away. Max and 99 follow it with their eyes)
(Cut to Rex and Mondo)
Rex: It’s almost 8:00. We’ll close the gallery as soon as these people leave.
Mondo: Yes, Mr. Savage. (He leaves)
99: Max, that’s Savage. Is your camera ready?
Max: I’ll check. (he takes off his hat and start pointing out the parts of the camera) Now, all I have to do is get to get his face in front of this lens and press this button and I’ve got his picture.
99: Right and I’ll get his fingerprints on the special pencil. (takes out the pencil from her purse. She’s wearing gloves so she won’t get her fingerprints on it. Max isn’t.).
Rex: (walking over to them). Good Evening. I’d be honored to offer my assistance to someone so attractive.
Max: Well thank you, but it’s the lady who’s interested in buying a painting.
99: (she rolls her eyes) Yes, I um- Oh my! (drops the pencil).
Max: Oh! I’ll get it. (He bends over and gets it while 99 rolls her eyes again.)
99: Thank you, Maxwell. (wipes his fingerprints from the pencil).
Rex: What style of painting do you feel most at home with Miss?
99: Uh, Westbrook- Melissa Westbrook. Oh I like many different styles uh, my own collection is very- Oh! (she drops the pencil again).
Max: I’ll get it. (realizes what she’s doing) Uh- after you, sir.
Rex: Here you are. (hands it to her. Max and 99 move up closer and see he’s wearing gloves. They look at each other then 99 takes the pencil.) Does the modern technique of painting appeal to you?
99: Oh, yes, very much in the hands of the proper artist of course.
Rex: Well, uh, we have a beautiful selection in that corner we have some rather interesting examples of impressionist paintings. (Rex starts leading her around to all the paintings. Max follows trying to he in front of them so he can Rex’s picture but he keeps changing directions each time Max gets to him). And over on that wall are some of our better, non-objective works. And of course here are examples of pubistic, surrealist and event the naturalistic techniques. (he takes 99 aside). There’s something wrong with your chauffeur.
99: Oh, uh, Maxwell is a lip-reader.
Mondo: Mr. Savage! (from offstage)
Rex: (Max takes the picture just as Rex turns around to respond) Just a moment…. Excuse me. (he walks away)
99: Of course!
Max: Missed.
99: Set it up again, Max. Oh that’s a shame about the pencil.
Max: You don’t suppose the chief would go for a nice set of glove prints, do you?
99: Wait a minute! If I could just get him alone…
Max: Right. (Max’s jealousy kicks in) What do you mean alone!?!
99: Well, he can’t keep his gloves on forever!
Max: Yeah well I don’t think you should be alone with him.
(Cut to Mondo and Rex.)
Mondo: That man. There’s something peculiar.
Rex: What do you mean?
Mondo: I’m sure I’ve seen that man before.
Rex: Get his picture and we’ll check it through Kaos headquarters. I’ll keep the girl busy. (turns to her) Uh, Miss Westbrook.
99: Yes Mr. Savage.
Rex: Please, call me Rex.
99: Thank you. Please call me Melissa.
Rex: Melissa, take a look at these. (takes her off again.)
Mondo: (walking over to Max) Hello, sir!
Max: Just call me Maxwell.
Mondo: Maxwell, there’s a painting over here, I think you ought to see.
Max: I’d love to. (they walk over to a painting of a camera).
Mondo: I think this is one of the finest examples of realistic paintings that we’ve ever hung.
Max: What is it called?
Mondo: The Camera.
Max: How provocative.
Mondo: If you look a little bit more closely, you can see that the painter has included every detail. Marvelous work, isn’t it! Is there anything else I could show you?
Max: Yes, how bout some cold compressors for my eyes?
Rex: The funniest looking painting I’ve ever seen-
Max: Uh, Miss Westbrook, Are you ready to leave now?
99: Mr. Savage is going to drive me home, Maxwell. You can go on ahead.
Max: Well, what about me? I mean- why can’t I drive the two of you?
Rex: Two’s company- three’s a crowd.
Max: Well maybe I could get a friend.
Rex: Just the two of us.
99: That’ll be all, Maxwell.
Rex: It’s a beautiful evening. I thought perhaps we might take a drive through the park.
Max: Oh, Mr. Savage!
Rex: Yes? (Max starts poking his hat trying to take his picture before he leaves but he can't find the button. It looks like he's just poking his hat. 99 and Mondo walk away in confusion.)
Scene: Lover's Lane. Max drives up and parks near 99 and Savage. He then reveals that his steering wheel is a phone and starts to call the Chief.
Max: Hello, Chief? Max. I’m in Lover’s Lane. Listen, Chief, before I fill you in, I want you to give a message to Parker at the lab. Tell him that there are a few adjustments that needed on the steering wheel phone. Every time I turn the corner, I dial the operator.
Chief: Nevermind that, Max. Just give me your report.
Max: Right, Chief. 99 is in the car with Savage. She’s still trying to get his fingerprints. I think he’s beginning to help her.
Chief: I hope you’re not in Lover’s Lane by yourself. It could draw attention to you.
Max: Don’t worry, Chief. I’ve got my inflato-girl with me.
Chief: Okay, Max.
Max: I’ll check in later.
(Cut to 99 in Rex's car)
99: Do you know something?
Rex: What?
99: Your glove is scratching my cheek. I wonder if you could. . .
Rex: Why of course not, my dear. I’m sorry.
99: Oh, it’s nothing.
Rex: (He puts another glove over the glove he had on before) Is that better?
99: (Rolling her eyes) Lovely, thank you.
(Cut to Max's car. A police officer arrives)
Officer: All right fellow, what are you doing out here?
Max: Actually, nothing, officer, we’re just sitting here looking at the trees.
Officer: What about the dummy?
Max: Well this is Lover's Lane, isn’t it? I’d look pretty peculiar out here all by myself.
Officer: I think you ought to tell me what you’re doing here.
Max: You see officer, I’m a secret ag- no, I’d better no reveal my identity. Officer, do you know where I could get a flat fixed?
Scene: Control HQ. Max and the Chief are sitting at the Chief's desk.
Chief: Max, I told you to be careful and not call attention to yourself.
Max: But I wasn’t doing anything wrong, Chief! I was just sitting in my chauffeur’s uniform with my rubber dummy.
Chief: Well what did they charge you with?
Max: Violating section 27-B of the Penal Code.
Chief: Which is?
Max: sitting in my chauffeur’s uniform next to a rubber dummy.
99: I just made a date with Rex Savage. He’s coming to my apartment tonight for an intimate supper.
Max: You did what? Did you hear that Chief? Having an intimate supper date with that potential killer!
Chief: Good work, 99.
Max: Good work, 99. I knew you’d like our plan, Chief.
99: Apparently, there are only two occasions when Rex takes his gloves off. One is when he eats and the other is when he bathes. He’s coming up to my place at about 11:00.
Max: Isn’t that a little late for a bath?
99: No, Max, it’s an intimate supper.
Chief: Excellent.
Max: Listen, Chief, why don’t they come to my apartment and I could act as the butler and keep my eye on Savage.
Chief: Good idea Max. your apartment is larger and it’s more the type of place Melissa Westbrook might live in. This may give us a chance to get a full dosiege on Savage. Let’s go down to the lab.
99: Right, Chief.
Scene: The Control Lab. The Chie,f 99, and Max are gathered around the professor.
Professor: This tableware is specially rigged. When the subject sits down to his meal a fuddle of things will happen. This chemically treated soupspoon will trigger a camera built into the bottom of the soup plate. Every time I take a spoonful of soup, the camera takes my picture.
Max: What about the flash? Won’t he see the flash?
Professor: Ah! It’ll be absorbed by the soup!
Chief: And you’ll have to remove the soup plate before he gets to the bottom of it.
Professor: And this roll is made out of a special composite. When the subject takes it it’ll make a perfect impression of all of his fingerprints!
Chief: Which means you’ll have to get it away from him before he eats it.
Professor: Or, uh, use another roll.
Max: Anything else professor?
Professor: One more device. This bowl of fruit will give us an example of the subject’s speaking voice. There’s a tape recorder built into this apple.
Max: (eating a banana from the fruit bowl) That’s fantastic professor, but where’s the microphone?
Professor: It’s right (He looks in the bowl and then at Max)… in your stomach!
Scene: Max's apartment. 99 and Rex are sitting on the couch drinking champagne.
99: (Rex hands her a glass) Thank you.
Rex: To you.
99: To us!
Rex: Melissa, ever since I’ve met you there’s been only one thing I’m able to think about.
99: What’s that, Rex?
(They lean in to kiss eachother but a very jealous Max storms out just in time. He bangs a pan with a spoon right in their ears.)
Max: Five minutes ‘til dinner!
Rex: I thought we were going to be alone tonight.
99: Oh, uh, Maxwell, he’s just here to serve supper. After that, I assure you we’ll be quite alone.
Rex: I hope that this will be the first of many midnight suppers.
99: So do I, Rex.
Rex: As I was saying, the only thing I’ve been able to think about all day is….
(Yet again Max arrives just in time to bang his pan.)
Max: Come and get it!
99: Maxwell! Well I guess we had better go and eat supper. Oh come on, Rex, don’t let Maxwell bother you! Actually, he’s been in the family for years and I still don’t know how to handle him.
Rex: (grinding his teeth) May I suggest the rack?
99: (Max hands her a bowl of soup) Thank you, Maxwell.
Max: You’re welcome, 99.
Rex: What did he call you?
99: He said, ‘nighty night.’ It’s just a little game we used to play as children. Nighty, night, Maxwell. . . . Try the soup, Rex. I think you’ll like it.
Rex: What kind is it?
Max: Cream of Technicolor.
Rex: Very good!
99: Very!
(Max takes the bowl away from him).
Rex: I wasn’t finished.
Max: We don’t want the soup to get cold, sir. Here. Why don’t you try a roll?
Rex: Thank you.
(There is a knocking on the door)
99: Who could that be?
Max: I’ll get it ma’am. In the meantime why don’t you two just talk amongst yourselves. (Turning a banana in the fruit bowl at the center of the table towards Rex.) And don’t be afraid to speak up!
99: Maxwell, tell who’s ever at the door to come back tomorrow.
Max: Yes, ma’am…. (opening the door) I wonder if you could come back tomorrow? (an arm appears holding a gun right at Max's head) Some people just can’t stand rejection.
Mondo: (entering) Stand back and keep your hands up.
Rex: Mondo, what are you doing here?
Mondo: You’ve been tricked Savage, this man is no butler.
Rex: You’re telling me!
Mondo: According to the report at Kaos headquarters, he’s Maxwell Smart, an agent for CONTROL.
99: Max, here! (She tosses her gun to Max)
Max: Good throw, 99. (Mondo intercepts it) Good catch, Mondo!
Scene: Savage's lab. Max is tied to a chair with his shirt off while 99, Mondo, and Savage are standing next to him.
Max: You’ll never get away with this Savage.
Rex: Oh, why Mr. Smart?
Max: Because at this very minute 25 CONTROL agents are converging outside this building. Would you believe it? 25 CONTROL agents!
Rex: I find that hard to believe.
Max: Would you believe 2 squad cars and a motorcycle cop?
Rex: I don’t think so.
Max: How about a vicious street cleaner and a toothless police dog?
Rex: If you were expecting help, it would have been here already. Now my dear Melissa, you are going to paint Mr. Smart to death.
Mondo: This can contains explosive paint with a timing device in it. This can contains vibration paint that detinates the moment a door or a window is slammed. And this can contains nitro floor paint. It explodes the instant anyone steps on it. Now you, start painting Mr. Smart with the timing explosive mixture…. (99 takes a paint brush and begins to walk over to Max. She then, quickly, knocks the gun out of Savage's hand and spills a bucket of paint right on the floor.) Nitro floor paint!
99: That’s right! Once false move and you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come! (She runs over to Max and unties him) Come on Max!
Max: (putting his shirt back on) Good work 99! Well, we’ve done it again! They think just because we’re on the side of good that we’re soft. But what they don’t know is that we’re tough and hard and do a very nice job. That’s why they’re trapped in this room and can’t get out. Come on 99. (They start walking away).
Rex: Wait a minute! Don’t move! You’re in the same position as we are. You can’t leave this room either. If you take one step, we’ll all be blown to bits!
Mondo: That’s right!
99: (leans over to Max) Got any ideas, Max?
Max: Well why don’t we all join in a big chorus of help!
ALL: HELP!!!
Max: Shh! The vibration paint!
(Max takes off his shoe and proceeds to call the Chief)
99: (whispering) Help! Help!
<commercial break>
Scene: Max and 99 are in Max’s apartment.. Max is on a ladder painting the wall. 99 is leaning on another ladder by the couch.
Max: Well that finishes up the apartment with a nice fresh paint job. (He climbs down the ladder and walks over to 99. He then begins to wipe the paint off of his hands).
99: You did a beautiful job, Max.
Max: Thank you 99. You know when the chief rescued us and I saw all of these cans of paint lying around Savages art gallery, I thought, I might as well put them to good use. What do you say we go down to the diner and I buy you a cup of coffee while the paint dries?
99: I’d love to. (They start walking over to the door. 99 stops looking concerned.) Max, are you sure this paint’s all right?
Max: Of course it is! I checked every can of paint in the gallery and memorized the non-explosive ones. Come on. (They exit. Cut to them in the hallway. As soon as Max closes the door there is and explosion from inside his apartment.)
99: Max!
Max: Don’t worry 99, I covered the furniture.
