Bianca would have been one of those girls in High school you just didn't get. She had it all. You'd expect her to be a bitch hanging with the socials crowd. But not Bianca. She wasn't like that. Bianca had her own set of rules. Her rules were "everyone mattered." Everyone counted. She was so nice, and sweet. She was the one girl in high school who knew everyone's name and face…and everyone knew hers. Although…with a mother like Erica Kane, my guess is it would be hard not. But I'm getting off topic here. I was talking about choices, right? Yes. Choices. I don't have one.
I didn't have a choice about the family I was born into. If so, I would have definitely chosen another one. My mother was…well to put it mildly, she was nuts. She found God, and as you can tell by both my twin sister and my names, she held on to God in every sense of the word. Maybe that's why when she named us Mary Margaret and Mary Francis she assumed we would be perfect, just as our namesakes were. Nope. No such luck. I was no angel…and Frankie…well Frankie was just a ticking time bomb. If there was trouble somewhere, Frankie was in on it somehow. I guess that's why I admired her so much. She didn't let anyone tell her what to do. Frankie played by her own rules…she made her own choices. Not me. I've got no choices.
The day I knew I had no choice about Bianca was about a month or so ago. We had been swimming. I thought it would be a good idea to get her out and enjoy the summer before she went to play on "team Erica" to make some scores. We swam, we laughed, and we made the most of the hours we had together. We always did. See, I had no choice. We were relaxing in the boathouse, attempting to recover our breaths from the swim when I stood there and watched her. I saw her smile at me, the traditional Bianca trade mark smile and I caught my breath. It was as if she was looking right into my soul. I know she felt it too because she turned away, looking down as if she was ashamed of it. But how could she be. We didn't have a choice.
I never considered myself gay. I mean I don't like to classify people, you know? I look and see mean people, nice people, happy people…I don't see gay people, black people, rich people, poor people, straight people…they're just people. I've never felt attraction to another woman like I have with Bianca. I knew for sometime now I'd been attracted to her. I could feel it every time she sat near me, or touched me in the simplest and innocence of gestures. But there was never another woman who I looked at and considered having a relationship with. I guess that's why I am having such a hard time with these feelings now. It's like I don't have a choice. My heart wants Bianca, as does my body. I can feel it in every nerve I have. But it's so much more complicated then that. I wish it didn't have to be. I've never been with a woman before. What if I'm not really feeling what I think I am? I actually had to close my eyes the other night and imagine what I would consider my relationship with Bianca if she were a man. If she were a man…I'd definitely say we were close to dating if not dating already. We ate together, hung out together, and even on occasion were more then slightly physical with one another. Yes…if Bianca was a man…I would have no troubles saying we were in love and were dating. But Bianca isn't a man. She's a woman. A woman I love.
Plus lets look at her track record with woman. I mean every single woman she's been in love with has screwed her in some way. She always gets the raw end of the deal. I know if I do this, I want to do it right. I want to be the best I can be for Bianca. She deserves it. But there is this other big problem…her mother. I know Erica has grown to accept Bianca is gay. I mean, she loves Bianca so much, there is no doubt about that in anyone's eyes. But accepting and understanding are two different things. I think Erica can accept Bianca being gay, but doesn't understand why she would want to date a woman. And how would she feel if that woman was me.
Would Bianca ever consider dating me? Would I be good enough for her? Would she ever just look at me and see me or would there always be a part of Frankie with us…haunting her and never allowing her to let go and move on. Would Bianca ever see me?
God I love her. I love her so much that I feel like it's eating me up inside. I feel like every time we're together I just want to scream out my feelings and make her understand why I act the way I do. But she'll come and I'll close down that part of me, that emotional wall I've built up around me heart. I never assumed anyone could break though…but she did. She and her smile and her love did just that. So this is how I feel. This is what I think. Read it and understand my thoughts.
I love you Bianca. I love you so much.
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