Slowly Xena regained consciousness and opened her eyes. Reflexively her arms jerked to touch her pierced neck, but could not. Looking around, she discovered that her wrists and ankles had been bound. She tried with all her might to break them, but could not because they appeared to be leather.
Xena decided that she must be somewhere inside the Amazon village due to the fact that she could hear one of their unmistakable burial ceremonies being held outside.
“Xena.”
The warrior abruptly turned her head towards the source of its voice. “Hercules. Is there a point to this conversation other then that you need to inform me of the fact that you plan to kill me?”
“Yes, there is a point, and no, I’m not planning on killing you.” He paused, eyes studying her. “I just want to know why.”
Xena sighed. “Why not? We all gotta die sometime, right? The way I figure it, you have to live life the way you want it, bending the world to your will and making a lasting impression. And besides, I what have I got to loose?”
“Your heart.”
“Ha. I already lost that.... Nothing is left,” she stated, her voice breaking.
“Listen Xena, I know about Gabrielle’s death, and I’m sorry, but this is not the way to live your life. She’s dead...you’re not.”
“Hercules, I would do anything to be dead now. Only in death do your find true paradise...and love. A love that can never be destroyed...not by war...not by hate...not even by death. You see, I envy Gabrielle.”
“If you want death so much, why don’t you just give into it?”
“Don’t you see? I can’t! I’m immortal.” She paused and then continued sarcastically. “A gift from Zeus.”
“When?”
“While Gabrielle and I were hiding in his temple.”
“You shouldn’t degrace his gift to you like that.”
“What gift?! It’s more of a burden...along with his other gift.”
“What other gift?”
“The power to heal. But what good are any of these so called ‘gifts’ if I couldn’t even save the one person I cared the most about?”
Slowly Hercules shook his head and sighed. “Xena listen to me ... you can’t let that evil ... that darkness that once controlled you to rule you again. You can’t! I won’t let you.”
“You have no way to stop me.”
“I just did.... You know this is wrong. Deep down you know this is wrong.”
“I know ... but I just don’t care.”
“Then you’ll have to stay here.”
Xena turned her head away from the demigod. She remained silent. Not saying a word, she shut her eyes as if to she could block out everything: her world and all the people in it. She could still sense Hercules’s presence until she finally heard him stand and walk towards the door. Slowly the door creaked open. Then listened as the receding footsteps slowly faded into the distance.
Meanwhile back in a camp in the woods the remains of Xena’s army had gathered together around a small campfire. The night would be soon upon them but no one was ready to go to sleep. Everyone was afraid. Some had their own reasons but the one that had everyone felling sick to the stomach was the warrior princess. They had lost her to the enemy then fled as soon as they could. They knew they couldn’t go back to the temple. They left Ares’ fiancée back in battle. He would kill them all. The soldiers knew they needed to get her back, but also knew they could never fight the whole amazon legion by themselves. No one really asked the question of what to do, but it was mumbled the entire night. Not one soldier fell asleep.
“Xena.”
Xena sighed deeply, opened her eyes, and then turned to the voice that had awakened her from a deep sleep.
“Ephiny.”
“I just wanted to know why.”
Xena shifted her gaze to the ceiling. “I’ve already explained my whole life story to Hercules and I really don’t wanna have to do it again. Just go ask him.”
“I know Gabrielle is dead and I sympathize. Do you think I wasn’t saddened when I was first informed? I knew her too and she was a close friend. But I dealt with my pain. Now what I want to know is why Ares? Couldn’t you have turned to someone who can actually help you with your grief, someone who cares for you. Ares doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about anyone ... except himself. Maybe he wants you, but certainly never cared about you. That isn’t the answer.”
“Oh? Then what is?”
“You need to ... you have to ... you just need to deal with it.”
“This is how I deal with it.”
“With Ares?”
“Exactly.... I love him.”
“No, I don’t buy it. Not the Xena who once helped me with defeating the centaurs. Not the Xena who once risked her life to save those of the entire amazon nation from a psycho goddess.... Not the Xena who came here years ago, learning to become a warrior, and vowing never to trust a god ever again.” Her voice slowly began to fade. “No...it can’t be that Xena.”
“You know you’re right.... It’s not that Xena. That Xena had something to live for. She had hope. Me, well all I’ve got is emptiness and grief.”
“Xena, I know you still have goodness in you. Please don’t give in. This is not what Gabrielle would want.”
Xena watched her leave. And could hear her and Hercules talking outside.
“Any luck?”
“No.... You know, she is the most stubborn and willful person I have ever met.”
“I know how you feel. What did she say?”
“Well, she is convinced she is in love with Ares, and refuses to listen to reason.”
“I know she still has that loving person I once knew inside her. She just needs a little help bringing it out.”
“Right now she’s not accepting help from anyone.”
“Tough. She’s just going to have to deal with me.”
Then the voices faded and the silence came once again. Xena blinked several times in an attempt to clear her vision which had become blurred. “Finally,” she mumbled to herself, and then smiled. Xena glanced up at her right wrist and revealed a small knife hidden in her hand. Ephiny came close enough for Xena to grab the dagger with had loosely been hung from her belt. Easily she wedged the dagger in between her skin and the leather. The tie broke and her wrist was free. Moments later she sat up, stretching her sore muscles. Standing up, she walked toward the door and shoved the dagger into the lock. It snapped and she was free. It wasn’t long before she had found her horse and was outside. She rode straight through the center of the village. No one could catch her. She left that vilage behind.
“I’m glad you got out,” Ares stated, looking over at the warrior.
“You never had any doubt. After all…you didn’t even try and help me.” Her anger was obviously rising as Ares tempted her already naturally low patience level. She didn’t even look at him.
“I didn’t know.”
“Tell it to someone who cares.”
“I honestly never knew about it. Your army never told me.”
“They’re afraid of you.”
“Now they have reason to be.”
Xena turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”
“They left you. That counts as a betrayal in my book. A good army never leaves a fallen commander. They must be taught a lesson.”
She stood up and walked over to him. “You mean killed.”
“Call it what you will.”
“Ares, no. They must learn loyalty through trust and they’ll never be able to trust if they’re fearing for their lives. Let me handle this in my own way.”
“I don’t want this incident ever to happen again. And sometimes you don’t make a strong enough point.”
“I’ll handle it.”
Ares shrugged. “As you wish.”
With that Xena nodded and stood up to leave, but a hand held her back. She turned around and was face to face with him. Gently their lips met and were one in a kiss.
Holding her by the arms he slowly broke the contact and looked into her eyes. “But we still must punish the Amazons. I didn’t forget about that,” Ares stated smugly.
“They couldn’t have done anything to hurt me anyway.”
“What?”
“I guess I should probably tell you.” She sighed. “Well…do you remember when you had all those gods chasing me and Gabrielle?” He nodded. “Well we had to find somewhere to rest, so we decided to seek shelter in Zeus’s temple if he would let us.”
“I know about that. Go on.”
“Well, Zeus was more than hospitable. We had all the food we wanted and new clothes. And as I was ready to leave he gave me two gifts, saying it would help me. But if I would have known how it’d turn out I would have never accepted. I could be with Gabrielle now, had I not accepted.” She paused, feeling the warmth of tears starting to form in her eyes. “Well anyway he gave me immortality and the power to heal.”
Ares had the look of shock on his face. “Power to heal as in the hind’s power to heal?”
“Something like that.”
“And why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I didn’t think of it. Besides I thought you knew me well enough to know that if Gabrielle died I’d want to go with her. I would have killed myself if I could.”
“Well at least you told me.”
“I was just waiting until the right time…. That’s why I do not wish to punish the Amazons. They did nothing except try to help me.”
Ares sighed and began stroking her hair. “I swear if you’d ever become a god it would be goddess of mercy.” He laughed silently to himself. “Then again you already are a goddess…my goddess. I love you, Xena.”
She smiled. “And I you…. Ares, there is something I need to do.”
“I understand.”
She gently touched her fingers to her lips and then to his. “Till I return.” She turned headed outside, mounting her horse.
Without saying a word, she approached the cliff she’d seen so many times in her nightmares. Sweat began to pour from her forehead and tears formed in her eyes as she approached its edge. Sadness enclosed around her, but she had to do this. She had to face these feelings. “Oh Gabrielle.” A wave of nausea hit her as she collapsed to the ground, head in heads, crying.
Suddenly there was the sound of a snap from behind her. A twig perhaps, but she knew someone was there. She turned her head in the direction of the noise. Sure enough there was a man in the woods staring right back at her. Hercules. She turned back toward the cliff and focused her gaze on the ground. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Xena remained silent hoping that he would just go away if she stayed quiet, but instead, he came towards her.
“Xena…I probably can’t understand what you’re feeling at this very moment, but I can try if you’ll just let me help.”
“Hercules, the only way you can help is by leaving me alone. I can handle it on my own…in my own way.”
“Is this what you call handling it?”
“Partly.”
“What’s the other part? Killing innocent people?”
“Hercules, no one is innocent. No one.”
“Not even Gabrielle?”
“No, she wasn’t, but she was as close as you could get.”
“Are you telling me that if Gabrielle was in a village and you didn’t know her, you’d just kill her?”
“I never said that.”
“Gabrielle is no different than any of those other people you kill every day.”
“She is different!” Xena yelled, shaking her head.
“Why? Because she knew you?!”
“No.”
“Xena, listen to yourself. Look at what you’re doing!”
“I know exactly what I’m doing.”
“I thought you would say that. That’s why I brought someone with me. Someone who honestly cares about you and loves you…not like Ares.”
He pointed towards the trees and Xena’s eyes followed his finger. Out from the woods emerged an old woman. A look of shock took over Xena’s expression. “Mother,” she said in almost a whisper. It was then that the feeling of guilt found its place in Xena’s heart.
“Xena, how could you?” Cyrene held her daughter close on the ground. Xena didn’t answer. She couldn’t face her mother. Not after the things she did. Gently Cyrene lifted her daughter’s head to look into her eyes. The once steely blue eyes displayed nothing but sorrow.
Cyrene smiled. “That’s what I thought…. You don’t know why you did it. It’s just how you vented your anger. Am I right?” Xena nodded, but turned away from her mother’s eyes. “You know it’s wrong.” Xena shut her eyes as she felt the tears return. She shook her head and tried to get up. Cyrene caught her arm and gently pulled her back. “Xena, I know the pain you must be in. Believe me I do. I felt the sane thing when your brother died. But even though you hurt, that is no excuse to make others hurt. You must do what’s right.”
“What is right? Before with Gabrielle that felt right. But then she died. Now that I’m with Ares that also feels right…. What is right?”
“Look inside your heart, Xena. That is where you will find your answer. No matter what you did I will always be here for you. I will always love you.” She stood up and embraced her daughter. Both were crying. She sighed. “My little one. You were always so strong. I know you will get through this. I know.”
Slowly Xena stepped away. She let her head hang down a bit. “I have to go.”
Cyrene nodded. “So be it. But please think about what I said.”
“I will.” Xena mounted her horse and rode into the forest.
“Did she listen?” asked Hercules coming out from the trees.
“She heard me yes, but I don’t know if she really listened. That’s up to her.”
Slowly Xena made her way back to the temple. She was in no hurry. She needed the quiet time. She needed to think about her life and it’s direction. That talk with her mother had stirred within her a kind of emotional battle. She felt her soul being torn in two. ‘Follow my heart?’ she thought. ‘In fighting for good I lost the one person I cared most about. That can’t be right. What am I supposed to do?’ She kept on riding. She never looked back though, always kept her eyes facing forward. Slowly she began straying from the path. She didn’t know where she was going, only that she must go. Never resting, never tiring, she never stopped. She rode for what seemed like an hour, but was in fact three days. It was then she decided to return. She still didn’t have the answers to all her questions…and wasn’t even sure what the questions were. She was tired though and needed rest.
By the time she reached Ares’ temple it was well into the night. It was pouring outside and Xena was completely soaked by the time she reached the temple. The rain had chilled her and she was now shivering. She pulled open the big metal doors leading to the great hall. She could see the light that shone from Ares’ corridor as it lit up the end of the poorly lighted hallway. Xena sighed. This would be a welcome sight after the last few days. Still she felt something was not right here. There was something wrong. She sensed it. Slowly she strolled down the hallway to the door and pushed it open.
In that moment Xena’s heart seemed to stop as she saw the sight in front of her eyes. Ares was making love to another woman. And not just any woman. This was one of his servants...Cleo. A servant that had always been there for Xena and someone Xena had called ‘friend’.
Ares looked up from the bed and a look of distress crossed over his face. “Oh my god. Xena, this is not what it looks like!” He immediately jumped out of the bed and his clothes reappeared on him. Slowly he walked toward the warrior. As if seeking to tame a wild animal. He timidly reached out to touch her, but she pulled away sharply.
Xena felt the tears which she had pushed back only minutes before returning. She wanted to tell him what she felt like inside. Wanted to tell him that with this little act, he had not just broken her heart, but shattered it. And tell him that even though she was trying to control the feelings of hate and pain, they threatened to overwhelm her, but all that came out was a simple, “How could you?” And with that she ran from the temple…into the storm.